Sweet Valley High Revisited - Alone In The Crowd

Ok, I know that the last book was pretty much a snoozefest, but this one not only picks things up, it picks them up and has Jessica Wakefield emotionally torture them while she repeatedly tosses her glossy hair over her shoulder. What I'm saying is, it's much better craic.

Sweet Valley High #28: Alone In The Crowd


It's lunchtime in Sweet Valley High and the Wakefield twins, Lila Fowler, Cara Walker, Enid Rollins and Winston Egbert are all sitting together in the cafeteria, which seems unlikely really, seeing as Jessica can't bear Enid, Elizabeth thinks Lila is a snob and let's face it, Winston is probably an absolute dose to be around for any length of time. The cheerleaders need to fundraise for new uniforms and Jessica has been struck by inspiration, declaring to the table that they should have a rocking chair relay, where each squad member takes turns in a rocking chair and gets people to sponsor them for every half hour they rock while a big party goes on around them. It'll be called the Rock Around The Clock relay, Jessica's going to get the Droids to play and then she dashes off to check with the office about using the gym. Elizabeth sees her sister almost crashing into tall, quiet Lynne Henry on her way out.

Recently Elizabeth had been noticing the tall, reclusive junior and wondering what she was like.

So it's only a matter of time before Elizabeth overhears or discovers something she shouldn't have and dangles it over Lynne's head until she confides in her. Tricking people into telling her their secrets is kind of Elizabeth's thing.

Meanwhile, poor ol' Lynne is just trying to get through the day. She feels lonely and awkward and during class she daydreams about playing her guitar and writing songs. Lunchtime sucks in particular because she feels really self conscious eating alone, but no one ever talks to her and she feels like a nobody. :((((((

Then, just when I'm about to declare the students of Sweet Valley High to be Total Dicks, Guy Chesney, the keyboard player from The Droids strikes up a conversation with Lynne while she's walking home from the bus stop. She finds it really easy to talk to him and they chat about music and liking Linda Ronstadt and when Lynne reaches her house, Guy says that it was good talking to her, so Lynne is delighted. At home, it's just Lynne and her super glam mother, as her father died when she was three. Her mother Jade is a stone cold fox and runs a beauty spa called the Silver Door. She often urges Lynne to try contacts as her thick glasses hide her lovely eyes and when she suggests that Lynne comes to the spa with her on Saturday so some lady called Rhoda can do something with her hair, Lynne takes it the wrong way and says she knows she's "no beauty" and to leave her alone.

The next morning, she runs into Guy again while walking to school, they chat the whole way there and I get that Guy is supposed to come off like a super sound lad, but oh my god:

He was so forthright, so eager to talk about himself and his feelings.

Best of all he didn't press her or ask her questions.

She hated being put on the spot. But Guy didn't ask her anything, yet he listened carefully to everything she had to say.

WOWEE! A guy who just wants to talk about himself and doesn't ask her anything ever? Uh, jackpot? Anyway, next thing you know, Jessica Wakefield comes barreling into their conversation (which is either Guy talking or Lynne telling him how great he is) and beeps at them from the twins' red Fiat Spider. Her blonde hair is glinting in the sunlight and Lynne thinks she looks like a movie star and is in awe of her hotness and confidence. Jessica has been looking for Guy in her efforts to organise the band for the big dance and fundraising event and tells him to hop in, totally ignoring Lynne. RUDE, JESSICA. He asks Lynne if she minds and tells her they'll talk again after school. By the way, Jessica flips her hair twice between getting their attention and pulling away with a "silvery peal of laughter", while various bits of her are "shimmering" and "sparkling" in the sunlight, like some kind of demented mermaid.

On Friday afternoon, there's a juniors softball game at Secca Lake (sponsored by Mr. Collins and Mr. Jaworski, whatever that means), so everyone heads out to either play on the team or doss around in the sun by the water. Elizabeth notices Guy talking to Lynne ("Lynne appeared to be listening attentively") and realises that she hardly recognised her at first because Lynne was smiling.

With a smile on her face and a sparkle in her eye, Lynne Henry was actually almost pretty!

ACTUALLY ALMOST PRETTY. My GOODNESS Elizabeth. Throw the girl a fucking bone, why don't you. At the lake, Guy hangs out with Lynne, who keeps internally beating herself up over almost everything she says and thinks he'll laugh at her if she tells him that she plays guitar and writes songs, as well as giving lessons at the Music Center. I like how we're continuing the Sweet Valley trend of giving places the most unimaginative names possible. (Previous excellent examples were The Designer Shop, The Sports Shop and The Tennis Shop.) Before the softball game gets underway, Dana Larson announces that The Droids are holding a song competition and the winner's song will be performed at their next gig. Lynne is super excited and decides to submit a song, but she's going to do it anonymously, what with her crushingly low self-esteem and all.

In the meantime, Lynne's mam is worried about her daughter and tries to get her to open up as it's painfully obvious how lonely and miserable Lynne is but she won't talk to her about how she's feeling and instead throws herself into working on her new song for the competition. It's called On the Outside Looking In, it's about Guy and it's emo as HELL.

Lynne is actually much cuter than Elizabeth on this cover. I mean, her glasses are veering slightly into Deirdre Barlow territory but that's a foxy hipster right there. The absolute bang of condescension off Liz though. Christ.

Jessica meets up with all the cheerleaders at Helen Bradley's house ("She's got a rocking chair, and we have to practice." What.) but arrives to find out that Helen's family are moving to LA and takes it personally that the cheer squad will be down by one member.

She was thinking that she was the one who had to suffer most when they had auditioned Annie Whitman, but she didn't dare mention it, not with Annie right in the room. The poor girl had tried to commit suicide when she hadn't made the squad. Everyone had gone almost crazy with fear and worry. Finally they expanded the squad and let her on. The last thing Jessica wanted was to go through something like that again.

Well maybe this time don't bully the girls who are trying out to the point that they TRY TO KILL THEMSELVES. JESSICA.

On Wednesday morning, Lynne tries to sneak into The Oracle office without being seen, so she can submit the cassette with her song on it, but Elizabeth is coming out when she opens the door. Lynne lies and says she got the wrong room and scurries off around the corner until Elizabeth is gone, so she can drop in the tape unseen. A few days later, The Droids play all the tapes for a crowd out on the lawn and everyone is stunned by Lynne's downer of a song. Hers is one of the "richest, throatiest, most gorgeous voices they had ever heard" and Guy is suddenly desperate to find the girl who wrote this amazing song. He and Lynne walk home from school again and he tells her all about the spectacular song they found and plays it for her on his Walkman. Guy gushes about how great this mystery girl is and says that playing backup for her would be like playing with Linda Ronstadt. Lynne decides that he expects the girl to be a knockout like Linda too and figures that he'd only be disappointed if he found out it was actually just plain ol' her. (Full disclosure, I had to look up Linda Ronstadt because they kept banging on about her in this book and HOLY SHIT that girl was beautiful. Like a Seventies Katy Perry and giving me serious fringe envy to boot.)

Everyone at school wants to know who the mystery singer-songwriter girl is and at the Beach Disco, Guy asks Elizabeth if she has any idea who she is, because she's such a good reporter. But Liz has no leads and feels terrible for Guy, as she reckons he's after falling in love. While everyone is at the disco, Lynne is at home with the place to herself and fed up with feeling shitty about her appearance, so she takes a bath, plucks her eyebrows and tries on a jumpsuit that her mother bought for her but was never worn. I actually remember reading this particular book as a young wan and my two prevailing memories of it are thinking, "Rhoda? What kind of name is that?" and being baffled by the idea of a jumpsuit. I asked my mam to explain what this exotic American piece of clothing was, but came away even more confused because my only frame of reference for an all-in-one trousers and top combo were the overalls that people wore for painting, or the flourescent yellow ones my parents wore on Civil Defence exercises and neither of those were particularly glamorous. Anyway, Mrs. Henry comes home unexpectedly and sees Lynne with her makeshift makeover and Lynne bursts into tears, thinking she looks stupid. Jade hugs her and tells her she looks wonderful. Lynne wants to go to the Silver Door after all because she's tired of being such a mess and her mam says of course but also reassures her that looks aren't everything. "What matters is feeling good about yourself - really good about yourself." Jade is sound.

On Saturday morning, Elizabeth heads to the Music Centre (I can't stick with the American spelling, it looks weird) to buy a Billie Holiday record. While she's dawdling around afterwards, what does she hear? Only the voice of the mystery girl, giving a lesson to a kid, so of course she barges in to see who it is and interrupts the class. Lynne pleads with her not to tell anyone and when Liz tells her that The Droids are freaking out and want the writer to perform the song with them, it only strengthens her resolve, because she's too scared to perform in public. Elizabeth figures out that Lynne is super into Guy Chesney and that the song is about him, and Lynne explains that he's expecting a hottie like Linda Ronstadt to be behind the song and that she'll only disappoint him. Elizabeth thinks Lynne isn't giving herself a chance but promises to keep her secret.

It's the night of the Rock Around The Clock relay and the event is a huge success. Most of the kids have come dressed in Fifties style outfits (Jessica is wearing a skirt with a poodle on it! Elizabeth has come dressed in black calf-length slacks and a sleeveless white blouse like a total fucking buzzkill), the Droids are playing and the place is hopping. The band end up playing Lynne's song and Elizabeth talks to Guy afterwards, who's going out of his mind wondering who wrote it. Elizabeth tells him he's got to stop looking for her and tells him the girl doesn't want to be found out, because she's really shy. Well done keeping that secret, Liz. Guy keeps asking questions and Elizabeth tells him that this girl thinks everyone's expecting Linda Ronstadt or something. Guy immediately realises who the girl is, but Elizabeth can't figure out how. While all this is going on, Lynne herself is in the next town at the Silver Door with her mother and ends up telling her all about the song and Guy and they end up bonding during her makeover and it's all quite lovely really.

On Monday morning, Guy meets Lynne on the way to school and tells her she looks terrific. (She's wearing contacts and "sleek black jeans, a white t-shirt and a crayon-bright cotton vest" instead of her usual ill-fitting jeans and baggy jumpers.) He tells her that The Droids are announcing the winner of the song competition, that Outside Looking In has won and that the mystery has been solved. Lynne's like "wuh?" and Guy explains that his father's friend is a police sketch artist, so he described the singer to him as he pictures her and the drawing is going to be on a flyer that'll be distributed all over school. This is all just so unnecessary. Lynne feels terrible that Guy is hung up on an imaginary girl, but then at lunchtime, everyone in the cafeteria is congratulating her and telling her she's deadly. Lynne is all confused until she sees the flyer with the song printed on it, along with a drawing of her face. Guy appears, begs her to sing for them and drags her in front of a microphone that's in the cafeteria for some reason. This is the New Lynne Henry now though, the one in eyeshadow and espadrilles, so she sings in front of everyone while Guy plays along on guitar and she gets a massive round of applause. Then Guy brings her out to the deserted patio and shifts the face off her. Everything is solved by a blowdry and new clothes, hooray!

Notable outfit:
It's got to be Lynne's jumpsuit, mostly because I have such strong memories of being bamboozled by the idea of it.

At last she chose a cotton jumpsuit in a bright royal blue print. 
She layered the jumpsuit over a t-shirt, tied a sash around her waist and and even found a pair of her mother's earrings that didn't look half bad. 

Outrageous. Truly truly truly outrageous.

Things I counted:
Number of pages: 136
References to the twins' blue-green eyes: 5
References to the fact that the twins are blonde: 3
Amount of times Linda Ronstadt's name is mentioned: 11

Sweet Valley High Revisited - Lovestruck

Every time I read the title of this book, my brain immediately goes to that Madness song from 1999 and fills in the rest with "...I've faaaallen for a lampost". Anyone else? No?

Fine.

Sweet Valley High #27: Lovestruck
 

Elizabeth Wakefield is trying to relax in the sun by the pool in the back garden on yet another perfect Sweet Valley day, much like how the last book began. However, Jessica won't shut up about all the work she has to do for the centennial celebration picnic that she's organising. This centennial thing has been going on since literally NINE BOOKS AGO when there was a really boring subplot about Bruce Patman getting voted president of the student committee for it. Jessica talks Elizabeth into helping her out by manning the kissing booth (Christ) and writing the copy for the posters.

"I mean a centennial only comes along once every hundred years."

That's right, Jessica. Very good.

There's also a big exhibition high school football game as part of the celebrations, but apparently Sweet Valley won't have a chance against Palisades (lousy Palisades, the Shelbyville to Sweet Valley's Springfield, the Eagleton to their Pawnee. Actually Sweet Valley is probably the Eagleton in this scenario) if Ken Matthews can't play. He's failing English you see, and the kids that play football have to keep their grades up in order to stay on the team, so no pressure Ken, but if you don't ace the next assignment then Sweet Valley will lose the game and in that case they might as well burn the whole place down and start over because Sweet Valley is NOT A LOSER TOWN.

The twins know about Ken's troubles because Bruce Patman told them about it for some reason, so Elizabeth calls Ken and offers to help him out with the short story he has to write for Mr. Collins. Ken is slightly annoyed at first, and asks where she heard about all this, to which Elizabeth replies "that doesn't matter", because it's none of your damn business how the Wakefields go about inserting themselves into your life. Ultimately, Ken is delighted with Elizabeth's offer to help him out and he's going to drop by the house that evening. We then switch to Ken's point of view as he's tying his shoelaces in the locker room after football practice. He's thinking about the meeting from two weeks before where his football coach and Mr. Collins went through his grades from the last while and came to the conclusion that he'll have to pass the next English assignment or he's off the team. Also, most inappropriately...

Bruce Patman was also there, and that seemed a little strange until Ken remembered that Bruce was the student president of the centennial committee.

Nope, it's definitely strange Ken. I kinda love how all the authority figures in this school haven't the faintest idea what they're at. "Let's have a classmate unnecessarily present while we go through your grades and detail how badly you're doing in English! It won't be humiliating at all and it's definitely integral to his role as student centennial committee president, because that's A Real Thing."

On his way out of school, Ken runs into his new girlfriend Suzanne Hanlon, who Elizabeth thinks is snobby, so I guess we're supposed to hate her. Everyone thinks they're a mismatched couple, because Suzanne likes classical music and can tell French dialects apart, whereas Ken likes the Rolling Stones and plays football, but she makes Ken happy, so everyone else can jog on. Suzanne invites Ken over for dinner that night to meet her parents. He hasn't told her about his failing grade and last ditch attempt to pass, because she's too fancy to understand it all and agrees to come to dinner later.

Ken drops over to the Wakefield house and Jessica immediately ropes him into being the boy half of the kissing booth for the picnic after the big game. He and Elizabeth then chat about his upcoming assignment, which is a short story, and how he's having trouble with it. Elizabeth suggests reading some good short stories for inspiration on how to structure one properly and then gives him a loan of one that she wrote, along with her notes and the outline and makes a big deal about it because she's never shown it to anyone before and she's trusting him with it now, like it's the One Ring.

Later that evening, Ken drives to Suzanne's mansion up on the hills where all the rich families live, mistakes the butler for her dad when he answers the door and generally has an evening of feeling awkward and out of place, particularly when Mr. Hanlon goes on a rant about how schools should spend more time on drama and arts rather than sport and producing "more stupid athletes." Ouch. This makes Ken sad and he starts to wonder if he's just a dumb jock, until Suzanne reassures him after dinner. He goes home and tries to make a start on his short story, but keeps faffing around, his typewriter is too loud, so he switches it off and then it's too quiet, he's got maths homework to do as well, so he does that first and then it's half ten at night. Suzanne calls him and invites him to the cinema with her friends the following night to see the Ingmar Bergman film The Seventh Seal and reacts in disbelief when he says he's never seen it and I'm starting to like her a lot less now. Ken's English homework is due in two days time though, so if he doesn't get it done right now then he'll have to do it the following night instead of going to the cinema. He knows all this but says yes anyway. Dammit Ken. Then he falls asleep at his desk and wakes up the next morning, knowing it's due the next day and he's still got nothing. DAMMIT KEN.

At school, Suzanne invites him to dinner with her mates before the cinema, but that will only leave him with an hour and a half between school and meeting everyone to get his short story written.

Ken knew he should say no, but as he looked at Suzanne's smile, he knew he couldn't.

SERIOUSLY, KEN. Oh and then it turns out that football practice is going to run late that evening in order to nail down their new plays for the game, so this whole day is going tits up pretty quickly for him. He goes to the film that night and thinks it's really boring, but all Suzanne's friends love it and talk about it afterwards like it's the best thing since Battleship (I seriously love Battleship, you guys. I may have to distill my stupid love of that stupid film into a blog post at some point). Anyway, her friends are terrible and make Ken feel like a dick for thinking that Ingrid Bergman was in the film.

Ken could see the utter distaste in the condescending look Mark gave him. "Don't worry Ken," he said. "People make that mistake all the time. The two of them look so much alike."

Fuck you, Mark.

Suzanne reassures Ken afterwards again, and says that her friends aren't any smarter than he is, they've just seen more "truly great" films than he has and that in a few months time he'll be familiar with all of Bergman's films. However, Ken would rather spend an evening stepping barefoot on upturned plugs than watch another Bergman film and it's becoming clear that Suzanne is more interested in changing Ken than in trying to do any of the things that he likes. Either way, Ken is back at home and now it's two in the morning and he's still trying to write his short story. Elizabeth's one is amazing of course, and Ken thinks about how easily writing comes to her and how she hasn't shown this particular story to anybody else. It's called The New Kid and is about a guy who moves from New York to Sweet Valley and it's all about how brilliant the town is. Ugh. After a quick bit of inner turmoil, he does what we've seen coming from the moment Liz handed it over and retypes the title page with his name on it, thinking that no one will ever know, because only Mr. Collins is going to see it.

The next morning, Ken runs into Liz in the school car park and she asks how his story turned out. Ken gets all weird with her and is about to come clean because he "just couldn't betray Elizabeth" but then Jessica bursts in between them to give out about Lila Fowler, who is going off to New York and leaving Jessica to organise the picnic alone, so Ken goes through with the plan and feels terrible about it. That evening there's a poetry event that Suzanne has put together for the centennial and Elizabeth is reading something at it. Everyone else's poem sucks, of course:

The girl sat down, and the audience, led by Suzanne, burst into applause. Elizabeth began to giggle. She knew how much the poem must have meant to the girl, but it just seemed silly. 

It would appear that those perfect Wakefield parents forgot to teach their perfect daughter any fucking manners. Elizabeth gets up and reads a poem about her mam and of course everyone wets themselves over how totally amazing it is and she finishes to a round of "full and sincere" applause because everyone else all night was just getting pity applause. She chats to Ken afterwards and he gets all squirrelly again when she mentions how relieved he must be to have handed in his story at school, so she starts to suspect that something might be up with him.

I love that the rich-girl uniform of Sweet Valley is floofy hair and old lady pearls. O-P-U-L-E-N-C-E. And look at Ken there. So conflicted and hyandsome.

A few days later, Elizabeth is in the school newspaper office finishing off her column for the centenary edition of The Oracle when Jessica bursts in (she does a lot of bursting into places in this story. I think it's her main mode of transport in this book) and she's in a state because the posters from the picnic have come back from the printers with the wrong date on them, because she was looking at the wrong month when placing the order so now she has to tipp-ex out the date and write in the correct one on a big heap of posters. This is not interesting enough for a subplot Jessica. More life-ruining next time, please.

Suddenly the editor, Penny Ayala, comes running into the office, declaring that she's got the perfect addition to the upcoming issue, a totally amazing short story that Ken Matthews has written! It turns out that Ken hasn't actually submitted it though, Mr. Collins just brought it in and handed it over to The Oracle staff without asking him first and now Penny has made copies for everyone to read in the staff meeting they're about to have. NOT COOL MR. COLLINS. Jesus, what is with these adults. Elizabeth reads the piece and realises Ken has stolen her story and tries to talk the staff out of publishing it at the meeting with some lame excuse about how they don't publish fiction, because she doesn't want to drop Ken in it without speaking to him first. Of course, the staff are hell bent on printing the story because it's "perfect", they're "awestruck", it's the most special and wonderful thing ever written (all of which functions as vicarious praise for Elizabeth's astounding writing skillz).

Elizabeth waits outside the boy's locker room to confront Ken, who then emerges lookin' all sexy.

His hair was wet and uncombed, and his shirt was hanging out of his pants. He looked as if he had just finished his shower.

HOWYA KEN.

A tenacious writer and truth-seeker like Elizabeth isn't swayed by hot quarterbacks though and asks him what the hell he's playing at, in a matter of words. Ken is duly ashamed and apologises to Elizabeth, explaining the pressure he's under and how he couldn't face what would have happened if he'd failed the assignment, that he was planning to come clean to Mr. Collins after the game and offer to write a new story. Elizabeth then informs him of the story's upcoming appearance in The Oracle and Ken's total despair at this news makes her feel sorry for him. He resolves to sort it out himself somehow and heads off with his handsome face "set in determination". Suddenly he's ambushed by Suzanne who's heard about his story and tells him how proud of him she is and starts babbling about how he could win some writer's competition where the prize is to go to a seminar in Yale and if he gives up football he'll have more time to focus on writing instead. All poor Ken gets to say during the whole conversation is "Suzanne-", "Yale?", "Drop football?" and a glum "Yeah" before she runs off all excited.

That evening, Ken goes home and sits in front of his typewriter. Suzanne calls him up and invites him to a centennial exhibit at the library, but he tells her he's got work to do and can't come and she immediately gets all mean and snappy and slams the phone down, pretty much making her an insta-villain. Ken gets on with typing as a story forms itself in his head and he ends up with five pages of a short story, all his own work. On Monday morning he catches Elizabeth on her way to the printers with the finalised edition of the paper and persuades her to swap out the stolen story with the new one he hands to her. She reads it and agrees and when the paper comes out, all anyone is talking about is Ken Matthews, because his story explains everything that happened and now rumours are flying that he's going to be kicked out of school.

Ken is summoned to the principal's office, where Coach Schulz and Mr. Collins are also waiting for him. (Bruce Patman must have been busy.) Ken explains everything and Principal Cooper tells him that normally he'd be given a failing grade in English and suspended for three days, but these are "extenuating circumstances" (i.e. we've got a game to win and rules don't apply to football players, which is definitely something that's never gone horrifically, appallingly wrong) and they're all super impressed with his honesty and bravery and the replacement story was so well-written that Mr. Collins is going to give it a C, even though it deserves an A, but it means he can still play in the exhibition match against Palisades. Yay. He runs into Suzanne afterwards, who gives him shit, saying he humiliated her and that she never wants to speak to him again. Ken is sad until he meets the rest of the football team and they all think he's great, so that cheers him up.

It's the day of the game and the centennial picnic and Jessica is in yet another crisis because she forgot to call back and confirm all the food with the caterers, so there's nothing to eat at the picnic now. After declaring that she's going to leave town and that it's the biggest disaster since the Titanic, (surprised she didn't throw her usual "137 kinds of.." into her outburst here, really) Jessica calms down, works out that she's got five hours to figure something out and decides that SHE'LL be the caterer. Elizabeth and Enid are at the game and it looks like it's going to be a tie between Sweet Valley and Palisades. Then there's a few pages of football, football, football, Ken does a thing and wins and everyone is delighted. There's a huge crowd around him to congratulate him and Suzanne turns up, asking him to forgive her and they kiss. Then she immediately starts bossing him around again and tells him to hurry up and change so they can go to some history lecture at the library and meet her terrible friends afterwards for dinner. Ken's like "eh, nope, I'm going to the picnic" and Suzanne tells him to grow up, that he doesn't really want to go. Ken tells her he's going and realises that he was never really in love with her after all and that she must not have been either because she kept trying to change him.

"You see, Suzanne, history lectures bore me, art films bore me, your friends bore me, and if you want to know the truth, I guess you bore me too."

DAMN, KEN. So that's that anyway. The picnic is in full swing, the decorations look great, The Droids are playing on the bandstand, because duh, and Elizabeth takes a break from the cold sore station, I mean kissing booth, where she "must have kissed a hundred and fifty guys this afternoon". In the meantime, the food at the picnic turns out to be peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and loads of crisps and Jessica has been hiding in the bushes because she thinks everyone is mad at her over it. Bruce comes over and finds her while she's talking to Elizabeth and pulls her up on stage. Jessica still thinks she's in trouble but Bruce makes an announcement that Jessica's cost-cutting measures for the food means that more money was raised for charity and isn't she brilliant for thinking of that, yay everything is great!

Notable outfit:
Thank GOD for Dana Larson, is all I'll say.

Dana Larson, the lead singer was wearing a red parachute-silk jumpsuit and prancing around the stage in a near frenzy.

LOVE YOU DANA.

Things I counted:
Number of pages: 160
References to the twins' blue-green eyes: 1 (Shoddy.)
References to the fact that the twins are blonde: 3
Number of Suzanne's mates with excellent names: 1 (His name was ALLAN PARTRIDGE!)

Sweet Valley High Revisited - Hostage!

Man, to look at, Hostage! promises so much. It's got the exclamation mark title, which has served us pretty well in the past, it's got Regina being threatened by what's presumably a chloroform-soaked rag, held by some dude in a giant shirt, but it's actually just not that good. Plus, nothing depicted on this cover ever actually happens. But we're not going to let that stop us now, are we? ARE WE?

Sweet Valley High #26: Hostage!


Jessica and Elizabeth are sunning themselves in their back garden by the swimming pool and Elizabeth is trying to convince Jessica that something weird is going down over at Regina Morrow's house. Also, it's literally the second page and we've already had aquamarine eyes darkening with concern and golden hair being tossed from shoulders. And they're covering themselves in BABY OIL. GIRLS. WHAT ARE YOU DOING. Man, I've missed these sexy idiots. Anyway, Elizabeth heard from a student who works part-time as a delivery boy for the supermarket that Regina Morrow is back from Switzerland, having been over there for the last few books to undergo treatment to restore her hearing. Elizabeth called over to the house to welcome her back but the gates were locked and the place looked deserted. Also, Bruce Patman hadn't heard anything about it and when he rang the house, a strange woman claiming to be Regina's aunt answered the phone and told him that Regina was sleeping and her parents were away. But Regina doesn't have any aunts! Ruh roh!

Elizabeth is determined to investigate further so she calls by the house again, and the door is answered by a severe looking woman who must be up to no good, because severe looking people aren't allowed in Sweet Valley. Look wholesome and have twinkling eyes or GTFO. The woman tells Liz that Regina isn't there, but while trying to give her the brush-off, Regina appears in the lobby and looks frightened. The mystery lady tells her to go back upstairs and says that Regina is unwell and can't see anyone, before closing the door in Liz's face.

Convinced more than ever that something's afoot, Elizabeth tells Jessica about what happened and they come up with a plan. They find out from Eddie - the kid who works in the shop - when the next delivery is to be made to the Morrow's place and get Bruce to pose as a delivery boy. They hide a note for Regina in a copy of Ingenue magazine, asking if she needs help and instructing her to drop a message for them out her bedroom window and they'll come for it that night.

Cut to Regina sitting sadly in her bedroom, thinking about how everything went tits up for her when she got out of a taxi at the airport in Bern eight days previously. Her parents had sent a message saying that they were coming to visit and to meet them there, but instead it was the cross woman with a gun in her bag. She made Regina call her doctor and tell him that her parents are taking her home for a while. It turns out that Regina's parents are being held hostage and if she doesn't comply, they'll be killed. The lady took Regina back to Sweet Valley, where an equally severe looking dude was waiting for them. The kidnappers' plan is to steal a revolutionary prototype microchip from Mr. Morrow's computer company by having Mr. Morrow call his office, tell them that he's been detained "in Europe" and that he's sending Regina in to collect the microchip. Unnecessarily convoluted corporate intrigue! Gasp!

The lady kidnapper, Claire, tosses the copy of Ingenue into Regina's room, presuming the delivery boy made a mistake by including it in the order. Regina finds the note from Bruce, Liz and Jessica and drops a reply stashed in a silver compact out her bedroom window, onto the lawn below. The Scooby Gang collect the letter under the cover of darkness and find out all about Regina's parents, the kidnapping, the microchip plan and Regina warns that if she and her parents aren't all rescued at the same time, the kidnappers will kill whoever is left. She also tells them that her brother Nicholas is staying with a friend in San Francisco and to let him know what's happening. Oh and they can't get the police involved, or there'll be some dead Morrows.

They call Nicholas and fill him in on the situation, so he comes back straightaway. Regina mentioned that she thought she heard Claire say "money is heaven" while on the phone (she can't hear perfectly yet, so her hearing is at like 80%) but none of the intrepid investigators can figure out what it means. It clearly means Monday at seven. Nicholas and Elizabeth check out the house again and see a man coming out of the driveway in a blue car. Not one to miss an opportunity, Nicholas gets Liz to make out with him in the car so the guy won't suspect them. Goddammit Nicholas. They get the reg plate and Nicholas realises he's a guy called Philip Denson who was fired from his father's company years before for stealing. He went to prison and only got out last year and appears to have held a grudge about the whole thing.

Elizabeth finds a P. Denson listed in the phone book, so she, Jessica and Bruce cut school the next day and go with Nicholas to check out the house listed as Denson's possible address. There's a hot guy around Bruce's age mowing the lawn outside the house, so they deploy their secret sex weapon, i.e. Jessica, to go talk to him and find out whatever she can. Jessica tells him she's taking a census for a school project and blasts him with enough hair tossing and smiling sweetly to find out that he's Mitch Denson and his father works in computers. When Mitch goes inside to get Jess a drink of water, she creeps up to the sitting room window and looks inside to see Mr. and Mrs. Morrow on the couch. When she gets back and tells the rest of the gang what she saw, they have to convince Nicholas not to run in and punch Mitch in the face. They head back homewards and decide that they need to figure out when the kidnappers are arranging for Regina to go into her father's office before they can do anything else. It's Monday at seven, guys. Come on.

When the twins get home, Alice has left a message for Elizabeth saying that someone called Suzanne rang looking for her from the office at school. Elizabeth panics, worried that it's related to her skipping school, but when she calls back it turns out it was just Suzanne Hanlon, a sophomore who's organising a literary evening and wanted to know if Elizabeth would read something at it.

Privately, Elizabeth thought Suzanne was a little bit affected. She seemed to like giving everyone at school the impression that she was sophisticated and very cultured. But Elizabeth didn't want to judge her.

DIDN'T WANT TO JUDGE HER! Oh my god that whole bit is just Elizabeth in a nutshell. You little wagon.

On Saturday, the twins and Nicholas are over at Bruce's mansion and put their heads together in a effort to break the fiendish "money is heaven" code. They don't get far with it (MONDAY AT SEVEN, GODDAMMIT) and try to logically work out when the kidnappers are most likely to send Regina into her father's plant. While they're busy doing that, Jessica suddenly cracks it and works out that it'll be Monday at seven. (Suck it, Elizabeth.)

"I told you reading all those mysteries would pay off one day, Liz."

Oh come on, being a bookworm is totally out of character for Jessica. As if she's ever sat at home reading Agatha Christie with a hot chocolate. Those boyfriends won't steal themselves, you know. What are you even doing, Ghostwriter Lady.

Anyway, they come up with a plan to try to rescue Regina's parents while Claire is with Regina at the plant, so Claire won't know what's happening and even so, Regina will be relatively safe as the plant is guarded. The only snag is that they don't know where Philip Denson will be while all this is going down, so everyone turns to Jessica to act as sex-bait for Mitch Denson again and try to find out from him where his dad will be. She reluctantly agrees and then tries to throw Bruce into the pool. Yeah I don't know why, either. Then they all go to beach for the afternoon.

On Sunday morning, Skye and Kurt Morrow are in the Denson's kitchen eating a breakfast that Mitch made for them, while Skye reassures her husband that none of this is his fault and he says things like "My business is very high-profile. I get so much publicity." which sounds like Tommy Wiseau dialogue from The Room. Then Philip Denson comes in, with a toothpick hanging from his mouth because he's a Bad Guy, see. He fills the Morrows in on the plan for tomorrow and how he's going to sell the microchip to some guy in Rio and when the Morrows ask what's going to happen to them he tells them not to worry about it, leaving them convinced that they're going to die. BAD GUY!

Regina. That yellow sweatervest. I'd kidnap you too, if only to take you to Topshop.

Meanwhile, Jessica arrives at the house in a carefully-chosen blue denim miniskirt and a halter top and rings the doorbell. Mitch answers and Jessica launches her charm offensive, inviting him to a beach party the following night. He says Monday isn't a good night for him and doesn't give a straight answer when she asks if his dad will be there that night, so Jessica looks hurt, strokes his arm and gets him to agree to her dropping by at seven and if he's busy she'll go on to the made-up party without him. So she doesn't actually get to find out where Philip will be and Mitch is too squirrelly to get any further info out of him.

Monday rolls around and Philip gets Kurt to make a phonecall at gunpoint. He calls the plant and tells them that he's been held up in Switzerland and has an important meeting in a few days and is sending Regina in that evening to pick up the microchip before she catches a plane back to Bern.

Jessica, Nicholas, Elizabeth and Bruce all meet up and run over their plan one last time. Nicholas and Elizabeth are going to go to the plant, where Elizabeth will intercept Claire and Regina on their way out and stall them. There's a payphone just out of sight of the main entrance to the plant, which is where Nicholas will be positioned. He'll call Jessica and Bruce who will be in Nicholas's Jeep (which has a carphone) over at the Denson place as soon as he sees Regina enter, which will be their queue to send Jessica to the door to keep Mitch occupied while Bruce sneaks into the house and rescues the Morrows. Then Nicholas has to call the cops while Elizabeth is talking to Regina and Claire.

Everyone takes their position and Jessica and Bruce eventually get the call. Jessica rings the doorbell and Mitch answers again, but tells her that it's not a good time. He sees his father's car coming towards the house and tells Jessica that he likes her but she has to leave right away, for her own good. Philip goes in the side entrance of the house, so Jessica screams for Bruce to warn him and runs in past Mitch, but collides full tilt with the Morrows and Bruce, at which point Philip is pointing his gun at all of them. Mitch shouts at him to leave them alone and knocks him over, giving them all a chance to make a break for it and run to the Jeep.

Back at the factory, Elizabeth pretends to be a reporter for the Sweet Valley News and bothers Claire with a bunch of questions while Nicholas calls the cops. Claire pulls Regina away and they begin to leave, so Nicholas runs over and grabs Regina. Claire says she's got a gun but then Jessica, Bruce and Mammy and Daddy Morrow arrive on the scene in the Jeep, closely followed by Mitch and Philip, so everyone ends up together with both Claire and Philip pointing guns at them. Philip does some Bad Guy talk explaining how terrible his life has been since getting out of jail, but then there's the sound of police sirens approaching, so Nicholas and Bruce jump on Philip and pin him to the ground, Claire fires a shot and just misses Nicholas and then a bunch of cops arrive and arrest Philip, Claire and Mitch.

Everyone goes back to the Morrow's mansion for takeaway pizza and champagne. It turns out that Regina won't have to go back to Switzerland to complete her hearing treatment and can finish it off in an outpatient clinic in LA instead. The Morrows are going to throw a Hooray Nobody Died party to celebrate all this great news and also because there hasn't been a party or dance in this book yet. Oh and Mitch was let off because he was being lied to by his dad and wasn't really involved and is moving to New Jersey to live with his aunt. So that's nice!

Notable outfit:
Jessica runs home with this one in her outfit for the party at the end of the book.

Jessica was wearing a black leather miniskirt and a white t-shirt, the short sleeves rolled up. She had two clips in her hair that looked as if they should be holding loose-leaf notebook paper, and a brand new pair of sandals.

What.

Things I counted:
Number of pages: 135
References to the twins' blue-green eyes: 5
References to the fact that the twins are blonde: 4
Amount of times the kidnappers are described as "mean": 4

Sweet Valley High Revisited - Nowhere To Run

I know, I KNOW. I've been neglecting my Sweet Valley progress most terribly of late, but work and things kept getting in the way. Things like organising my brother's stag because I'm best woman at his upcoming wedding and gender roles can SUCK ITTT. Anyway, let's do this thing!

Sweet Valley High #25: Nowhere To Run


Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield are having lunch at school and giddy with excitement because their grandparents are coming to visit from Michigan and they haven't seen them in over a year. It's cute how enthusiastic Jessica is about it, but also seems a bit out of character for her to be that excited about grandparents, to be perfectly honest. While discussing their upcoming plans, Elizabeth "couldn't help overhearing" the conversation going on between Dana Larson and Droids drummer Emily Mayer at the next table. Girl please, I bet she almost slid right off her cafeteria chair trying to listen.

Emily's new stepmother Karen has just had a baby and things are super tense at home. Emily feels like Karen is trying to push her out so it'll just be Karen, Emily's dad and the new baby in the house, so she suddenly tells Dana all this, gets upset and runs off. Later that day, Elizabeth is proof reading her latest column for The Oracle in the office after school when sexy Mr Collins arrives.

"I'm glad you're here," Elizabeth told him. "I could use some help on the article I'm writing on the tenure system."

Yeah, because sixteen year old high school students totally give a fuck about the details of their teachers' employment contracts. Great article there, Liz.

Mr Collins tells Elizabeth that Emily Mayer wants to try out for the editorial staff on the school paper, and that he told her Liz might be able to help her, whereupon Liz reacts like Emily has shown up and pissed on her doorstep.

"Emily!" Elizabeth exclaimed. "But why does she want to work for The Oracle? She's a musician, not a journalist!"

AND IT'S NOT LIKE YOU CAN BE BOTH, JESUS EMILY GET BACK IN YOUR BOX ALREADY.

Emily shows up, but looks like she's been crying. "Elizabeth caught her breath when she saw the girl. She looked awful." Well you'd better tell her how terrible she looks Liz, seeing as that's like your favourite thing to do. For once in her life, Liz manages to reel it in and instead asks her why she's thinking about joining the paper. Emily explains that it was her stepmother's idea and asks Liz if she can confide in her, despite the fact that they don't actually know each other that well.

"I've always admired you so much," she added wistfully.

STOP ENCOURAGING HER. GAWD.

Emily explains that her stepmother, Karen, has it in for her and is trying to convince Emily's dad to send her off to boarding school. She also hates Emily's drums and won't let her practice at home because of the baby (who is named Karrie by the way, which seems like criminally lazy naming on the ghostwriter's part) and thinks that writing is a much better pursuit than music, so Emily is just trying to do whatever Karen wants her to, so she won't have an excuse to kick her out.

However, Karen is a total wagon and keeps moving the goalposts, insisting on a curfew for Emily, which means she won't be able to practice with The Droids during the week, freaks out when Emily plays her drums even though it's within the agreed time slot and lands Emily with looking after Karrie on a night that Emily has plans, because she "doesn't trust" babysitters and knows that Emily can't risk saying no and kicking off a huge row.

Meanwhile, the twins are having a lovely time hanging out with their grandparents, who are of course, the most perfect old people ever. At a family dinner, their eyes twinkle no less than three times within two pages. It must be like trying to eat beside a discoball. While all this is going on, Alice Wakefield has started to feel like she doesn't spend enough time with the girls and gets all sad when she springs last minute plans on the twins but they're already doing something with the grandparents. She comes home early to make a surprise steak dinner for everyone, but the twins are going for Chinese with Grandma and Grandpa, and Alice and Ned couldn't possibly join them because Ned doesn't like Chinese food. Like, just stick the steak in the freezer and Ned can either get the Chicken Maryland or stay at home and make his own fucking dinner. Come on, Alice.

Anyway, Emily totally fancies The Droids bass player, Dan. He's been covering for her when she can't make it to band practice because of Karen's dumb curfew, although she's been keeping her troubles at home a secret from him as she doesn't think he'd be interested in her if he knew what a mess things were. Also, Emily has always told people in school that her mother died when Emily was young, but the truth is that she left without any explanation and fucked off to Chicago. Elizabeth is the only other person that knows this, because she's so amazing that she's easier to confide in than any of Emily's actual friends. This is explicitly stated, by the way.

So, Dan has arranged to call over to Emily's house after school so he can check out the new cymbals she ordered from LA and Karen will be out of the house at a doctor's appointment with Karrie, so what could POSSIBLY go wrong? Only Karen arriving home with the baby before Emily realised and immediately screaming at her for having a boy over without her permission and totally humiliating Emily by bringing her mother into it. She tells Emily that she's turning into her mother and that she won't have her baby growing up in a house with a tramp, and all in front of Dan. Karen! You fucking bitch! She then runs off upstairs crying, like she's the victim somehow and poor Emily is left there sobbing as Dan awkwardly leaves and it's all just HORRIBLE.

A distraught Emily then calls Elizabeth at home and tries to tell her what happened but breaks down crying.

"You sound terrible Emily, why don't you come over right away and we can talk about whatever it is that happened?"

Just couldn't help herself, could she. Emily decides to walk over to the Wakefields' house and honest to god, we get an ENTIRE page of Emily thinking about how great Elizabeth is, because when your life is falling apart, the transcendent Wakefield twins are the only thing to keep you going. Emily arrives at the house and ends up telling everyone at the dinner table all about what happened. She asks if she can stay with them "for a while", which is pretty awkward, considering that she and Liz are essentially casual acquaintances. Ned says that she can stay for the night, but only if she calls her father to let him know where she is. However, when she calls her dad he's clearly taken Karen's side and won't listen to anything Emily says, demanding that she come home or else he'll put her drums out on the street. Not cool, Dad.

The absolute hack of Emily here. I mean, she looks nice and all, but she's the drummer in Sweet Valley's hottest band who are practically Jem & The Holograms, not some square tennis player who probably wears their jumper knotted around their shoulders. COP ON, EMILY.

The next day at school, Dan tries to talk to Emily, but she's acting all cold and says she's quitting The Droids and selling her drums. She asks Liz to put an ad in the school paper for her drums, at which point Liz bombards her with questions about what happened when she got home, despite the fact that Emily just said she didn't want to talk about it. Elizabeth and Dan then decide that Emily giving up music is a terrible idea, as it means so much to her, so they come up with a plan where Dan will buy the drums for safe keeping. They also keep referring to her as a kid (Elizabeth: "You poor kid!" / Dan: "That crazy kid") which is weird and pretty patronising, considering they're all the same age.

At home, Karen continues to be mad at Emily for essentially no reason and when Dan calls to say that a friend of his will buy her drums, Emily is upset that he doesn't try to talk her out of it. Her father comes to talk to her that evening and when she tells him that she sold her drums he accuses her of being a martyr and says that he had hoped the three of them could come to a reasonable solution, which is a bit fucking rich, considering that he hasn't once listened to Emily's side of the story and appears oblivious to the fact that his awful wife is Lady Tremaine-ing the living fuck out of his daughter and is the one who has pushed her to this point.

For the next while, all Emily does is go to school and babysit Karrie. One evening, Karen gives Karrie a doll with beads for eyes because she's a fucking idiot, and the baby ends up swallowing one of the beads and starts to choke. Karen freaks out and starts shaking her and won't let go, so Emily ends up having to slap Karen to make her let go of the baby and then saves Karrie's life. Emily's dad arrives in to see the baby screaming crying, Karen being hysterical and Emily about to faint and immediately accuses Emily of trying to murder the baby or something. Karen doesn't bother her hole explaining the situation or even being the tiniest bit grateful, she just stands there crying, so Emily's dad, as usual, won't listen to Emily when she starts to explain and just tells her to get out, because he's a dickhead.

Emily ends up back over at the Wakefields' place, with her money from selling her drums and a plan to head for Chicago to try to find her mother. She calls the apartment where her mother had been living the last time they were in touch, four years previously, but it turns out that her mother remarried and moved to Mexico. Grandma Wakefield then comes in and tells Emily some conveniently relevant story about how Grandpa Wakefield had a son from a previous marriage when they got together and how difficult it was for her and this random uncle of the twins who is never mentioned again in the entirety of this series to get along at first, particularly after she had Ned.

While all this is going on, Elizabeth called Emily's dad to let him know where his daughter is (Jessica calls her a rat for doing so - ha!) and he turns up at the house with Karen and Karrie in tow. Karen apologises for being a horrible cunt to Emily and begs her forgiveness, explaining that she was jealous of Emily because she and her dad were so close. Emily immediately rushes over and hugs her and the baby and all the Mayers end up in a group hug, although her dad didn't actually apologise for being a tool and accusing her of trying to hurt her sister, but everyone's happy now so I guess that's all just FINE.

Meanwhile, Alice's weird jealousy of all the time the twins are spending with their grandparents is resolved when Ned tells the twins that their mother feels left out lately, so they ask her to help them plan a going away party for Grandma and Grandpa and that fixes everything in that completely pointless subplot that went absolutely nowhere. The Mayers are invited to the party too and Elizabeth surprises Emily by having The Droids set up in the dining room with her drums and the band then plays a set because these people are all fucking ridiculous. Afterwards, Emily figures out that Dan was the one who bought her drums and she tells him he's wonderful.

The look she gave him said it all. She had a feeling the two of them were going to make some pretty special music together.

Read: boning.

Notable outfit:
There was a CRIMINAL lack out outfits in this one. Literally nothing! A blue scarf is about all we got out of it and I for one am DISAPPOINTED. Do better, ghostwriter.

Things I counted:
Number of pages: 153
References to the twins' blue-green eyes: 2
References to the fact that the twins are blonde: 2
(TWO? How are we supposed to remember that the twins are blonde with only TWO references?)
Amount of times Karrie is referred to as "little Karrie", in case we forgot she was a baby: 19

Sweet Valley High Revisited - Super Edition: Special Christmas

First of all, I apologise for this, but...

JUST HEAR THOSE SLEIGHBELLS RINGIN' AND RING TING A LING A DING DOOOO

It's quite strange to be writing about Christmas in the middle of a heatwave, but here we are. It's Super Edition time, which means taking yet another confusing jump out of the usual Sweet Valley timeline. This particular book technically comes between Say Goodbye and Memories, despite the fact that Todd has been in Vermont for an unspecified amount of time in this one, but he was still visiting Sweet Valley (after only just moving) at the very beginning of Memories, so Special Christmas seems to slot in a little better after that one. I think. I don't even know anymore, continuity is for squares, let's just get to it!

(Also, please like my Facebook page. Because I'm not above begging.)

Sweet Valley High Super Edition: Special Christmas


It's almost Christmas in Sweet Valley and everyone is giddy and excited. Elizabeth is looking forward to seeing Todd, who's back to visit from Vermont on Friday, and Jessica is eyeing up a German exchange student called Hans who seems to have materialised out of nowhere and is convinced that he's her Secret Santa (the entire school does Secret Santa and the students all buy each other a series of little presents up until the Christmas dance (OF COURSE), where everyone is revealed). However, Lila Fowler is trying to wreck Jessica's Christmas buzz, by deciding that she wants to be Miss Christmastime this year, a title that Jessica has decided is hers after being runner-up last time. RUNNER UP?! The fuck is this?! Who could possibly have beaten Jessica Wakefield to a crown? In the very first book, she is literally described as "the most adorable, most dazzling sixteen-year-old girl imaginable". 

Anyway, the twins are in great form when they get home after school, because they're now on holidays and Steven is home and everything is awesome. That is, until Steven breaks the news that Suzanne Devlin is coming to stay with them for two weeks during the holidays and now CHRISTMAS IS RUINED.

Quick reminder, Suzanne Devlin is the daughter of one of Ned Wakefield's friends who came to stay in Sweet Valley a while back. She was hotter than every other girl in town, stole Elizabeth's lavaliere and falsely accused Mr. Collins of trying to assault her, almost costing him his job. And in Sweet Valley, all three of those crimes are equally grave.

Apparently Suzanne's father rang Ned and Alice and told them that Suzanne had "been through a great deal recently" and wanted to come out to see them all to make up for being so horrible the last time she was there and this is happening whether the twins and Steven want it to or not.

"Look," Mr. Wakefield said, "we feel terrible about imposing Suzanne on you three. But I'm afraid there isn't much we can do about it. Suzanne is intent on coming out here."

Oh, well if she's intent, then what can you do? It's not like you can just say "No, sorry, that doesn't suit, what with it being Christmas and all and really, staying for two weeks is pushing things fucking slightly, don't you think?"

In the meantime, Elizabeth has gotten anxious over her reunion with Todd, as she's not sure that they'll still have the old spark between them and feels like their relationship has become more of a friendship since he moved away. On Saturday morning, Jessica appears in the kitchen, dressed in a fugly homemade Christmas elf costume.

She was wearing kelly-green tights and green slippers with curled-up toes and bells jangling from their tips. She had made a strange little suit out of a green plastic garbage bag, cutting leg holes in the bottom and arm holes in the sides and stapling the whole thing up at the shoulders. Something - probably newspaper, from the look of it - was being used as stuffing to make her look round. Underneath the sack she wore a red long-sleeved T-shirt. There was green paint on her face.

Frankly, I'm disappointed that Jessica wasn't a pioneer of the sexy elf costume movement.

She explains that Cara Walker was supposed to be volunteering as one of Santa's elves at the mall but is sick and needs Jess to fill in for her. However, the interviews for Miss Christmastime are later that same day, but Cara assured Jessica that she'd be done elfing in plenty of time.

Unfortunately for Jessica, this was all a sneaky Lila Fowler scheme (which Cara was tricked into) to keep Jessica busy all day so she couldn't make it to the Miss Christmastime tryouts. ALL TEE ALL SHADE. At the end of her day at the mall, Jessica ends up telling Santa all about missing her chance to be Miss Christmastime and to be on the special parade float (oh yeah, there's a Christmas parade too, because why the fuck not), so he kindly offers her a spot on his one, where she'd be an elf again. Jessica accepts and immediately beings to formulate a revenge plan, which is pretty much her default status, regardless of whether revenge is actually warranted or not.

When she gets home, Jessica reveals her dastardly scheme to Elizabeth, which will involve her taking Lila's crown and dress (because Lila won, obvs) from the changing room in the civic centre on the morning of the parade and replacing them with her terrible elf costume, so Lila will have to be an elf on Santa's float, or risk revealing the dick move she pulled, and Jessica will get to be Miss Christmastime by straight-up stealing the title.

Suzanne Devlin arrives in Sweet Valley, and the twins and Steven have decided to make life difficult for her, so she'll pack up and go join her parents, who are in Saint Moritz for Christmas. This dastardly plan so far involves Jessica pretending to forget that Suzanne was coming and "short-sheeting" her bed, whatever that means. I looked it up and Google's answer was "make (a bed) as an apple-pie bed" / "give an apple-pie bed to (someone)" so that was really fucking helpful. I think it's something to do with folding the sheet so the person's legs can't get to the end of the bed or something. It doesn't appear to have anything to do with apple tarts. Americans, man.

Anyway, after the first evening, Steven has decided he's going to stop giving Suzanne a hard time, as she seems like a nice person this time around and Elizabeth is starting to have doubts about being mean to her too. Jessica isn't buying it for a second though, and reminds them of how well Suzanne had everyone fooled the last time she was in town. Todd calls Liz that night and she fills him in on Sweet Valley's newest arrival. After the phonecall, we discover that Todd actually bumped into Suzanne recently, while he was on a school ski trip.

His new friend Jerry tried to chat Suzanne up and they all went for dinner together. Todd expected Suzanne to ruin the trip, after being such a gowl previously, but she appeared to be a completely different girl this time, and actually fun to be around.

She smelled good, he found himself noticing. Not like the perfume she used to wear. No, now she smelled like soap and pine needles and fresh air...

Perfume is for skanks.

They had a talk and Suzanne apologised for her behaviour and explained that she was angry at her parents but took it out on everyone else and they have a moment where they almost kiss but don't and Todd realises that he totally fancies her now that she's all sound and smelling like a Yankee Candle. Naturally, he doesn't tell Liz any of this.

The next morning, Liz comes downstairs and sees Suzanne slipping a bottle of pills back into the pocket of her dressing gown. She's also noticeably lost some weight, so the twins are suspicious as to what's going on with her. (I say suspicious, but Jessica pretty much immediately runs around telling everyone that Suzanne is a drug addict. Jessica gonna Jessica.) Suzanne tries to properly apologise to Elizabeth about being terrible before, but they're interrupted by Jessica, who gets a delivery of daises to the house from her Secret Santa. She's convinced it's sexy German Hans, as she's already gotten a little jewellery box that plays Für Elise when opened and that's "European", so it stands to reason. (However, we already know that Hans is actually Lila Fowler's Secret Santa, because he had to ask Liz who Lila was when he drew her name.)

Todd is back and shows up at the house, but when he comes in and Suzanne sees him, she starts trembling and drops the vase with Jessica's daisies in it, smashing the lot and runs off crying. Jesus, try to be cool Suzy. Todd gets a chance to talk to Suzanne alone and they agree not to tell Liz about their meeting while skiing, but Jessica overhears their conversation and deduces that Todd and Suzanne are in love and that Suzanne is up to her old tricks, trying to steal Liz's boyfriend. Jessica kicks things up a gear with her plan to drive Suzanne away, so she enlists Aaron Dallas and Winston Egbert to be Suzanne's Secret Santas but for doing mean things instead of leaving her nice presents.

You will always know Elizabeth by her barettes and jumpers. I wonder what's in the box? More barettes, probably. Jessica looks like she's just been given a dig in the shoulder.

Liz and Todd have barely had any time alone since he got back, because he's just so goddamn popular, and they end up going to the Beach Disco, where Ken Matthews has organised a welcome home party. The Droids are playing and have even written a song especially for Todd and Elizabeth, called I'll Wait For You, because everyone's lives revolve around the Wakefields and their respective relationship statuses.

The next morning, it turns out that Aaron and Winston have sent Suzanne an anonymous ransom note that spells out SUZY DEVLIN GO HOME and Elizabeth is first on the scene.

"Suzanne, what is it? You look awful!" Elizabeth blurted out.

This bitch has a great knack for telling people who are visibly upset just how terrible they look. Suzanne ends up telling Elizabeth all about how lonely she was in New York and that her parents were never really around. She almost lets slip some manner of secret, saying "But when I found out -" before stopping herself. She's also been having dizzy spells and the twins overheard her saying she was having problems with her vision. INTRIGUE. Elizabeth forgives her and reckons that she should stay and encourages her to try to make it up to the others.

Meanwhile, Jessica has been working on a plan and gets Aaron Dallas to invite Suzanne to a pre-party at his cousin's house before the big Christmas dance (which is happening at Bruce Patman's Patmansion, despite it being a school event). He's then supposed to call her on that evening and tell her he's having car trouble and ask her to meet him at his cousin's place, but instead he'll give her the address of a creepy old haunted house on the outskirts of Sweet Valley and she'll be left there all alone and sad. It's pretty mean.

Elizabeth and Todd have been arguing and things don't seem to be the same between them anymore. Liz meets up with Enid for a bit of Christmas shopping and feels better after hanging out with her.

As always, Elizabeth felt immensely cheered, sitting across the table from her dearest friend. "One look at you, and my problems don't seem so insurmountable," Elizabeth told her warmly. 

Real nice, Liz.

It's time to put up the Christmas tree and everyone is having a nice time, but Suzanne is suddenly overcome by another dizzy spell and collapses. She's brought up to bed to lie down and the twins demand to know what's going on, while Ned and Alice nod meaningfully at each other. They finally get it out of their parents that Suzanne has issues with muscle control, which are aggravated by stress, but Ned and Alice explain that they promised Suzanne they'd keep it a secret for her, so they won't say any more than that. Elizabeth is all concerned for Suzanne now, but Jessica thinks she's faking it and just looking for attention.

The night of the big Christmas party arrives and while getting ready, Suzanne tries to call her doctor back in New York, as he sent her new medication but there were no side effects or precautions with the pills, but he's not in the office, so she leaves him a message. She takes her new pills anyway, and joins the twins, Steven and Todd downstairs for a glass of champagne. Then the planned call from Aaron Dallas comes, so Suzanne reluctantly agrees to meet him at the address he gives her. She's anxious about driving, but Jessica assures her she'll be fine and tells her to take their car. Ned and Alice have been over to see their neighbours and come home just before Suzanne's doctor calls, trying to reach her. It turns out that the new meds are super strong and Ned comes running out in a panic, because Suzanne had some champagne before leaving.

"She's on very strong medication, and a glass of wine could completely knock her out - maybe even kill her!"

Now come on. I highly doubt that any meds could cause a glass of champagne to ACTUALLY KILL YOU. But anyway. Jessica tearfully confesses her whole scheme to everyone and they take off in the car in pursuit of Suzanne.

While making her way to the address she was given, Suzanne couldn't focus on the road and ended up passing out, flipping the car on the road. Two cops on the road see the whole thing happening:

"Jesus!" the police officer in the squad car said to the officer next to him.

Mr. Policeman! LANGUAGE!

On the way to find Suzanne, everyone is furious with Jessica for pulling such a nasty trick (this isn't even the first time that Jessica's carry-on has almost killed someone), and Ned reveals that Suzanne actually has MS but didn't want anyone to know, as she wanted people to forgive her on her own merit and not out of pity.

They end up finding out that Suzanne has been taken to hospital and Jessica notices that Todd has the same look on his face as he did when Elizabeth was in a coma after their motorbike accident. She realises that he's in love with Suzanne and it wasn't a ploy on Suzanne's part at all.

Todd ends up telling Liz all about meeting Suzanne in Vermont and how nothing happened between them but that he's been feeling confused since. Elizabeth can tell that he's got feelings for Suzanne, and it turns out that she's going to be ok after all, so they all head off to the Patman's house for the party and to talk things out. Elizabeth tells Todd that she was thinking of telling him that they weren't right for each other anymore, but she still cares about him. So they remain close friends and have a friendly break-up, so Todd can be with Suzanne now. Also, Jessica discovers that her Secret Santa has been Winston Egbert all along is disgusted to find that Hans was Lila's.

The next day though, Jessica's other, non-potentially-fatal revenge plan goes off without a hitch, and she's resplendent as Miss Christmastime on the parade float, in Lila's dress and crown, while Lila is dressed like a Brussels sprout on Santa's one.

Later on, all the Wakefields go back to the hospital to see Suzanne, who's looking much better. They all make up and forgive each other and everything is cool between everyone. Then one of Suzanne's doctors comes into the room to talk about the most recent tests they've done, and explains that she actually only had a virus and not MS at all. She was suffering from a complication from mononucleosis all along and all these fancy doctors have just been treating her for a disease she never actually had. Slow clap for the doctors of the Sweet Valley High series. They greet sixteen year old girls by telling them how hot they are, prescribe "being a cheerleader" to pull a someone out of a coma and now this. Med school must only take two years in the Sweet Valley universe. Great job guys. Heroes, one and all.

Notable outfit:
We did much better on the fun outfit front this time out. We had Suzanne in "a denim skirt and red silk shirt", just throw on a pair of cowboy boots and she's away in a hack. There were also Jessica and Elizabeth's foxy outfits for the Christmas dance:

Elizabeth looked terrific in a shimmery, peach-coloured dress with spaghetti straps. And she herself was wearing her new blouse with a pair of black satin pants.

Mmm, flammable.

But Notable Outfit this time around goes to Suzanne, in a dress borrowed from Liz for the party:

The blue velvet dress she had borrowed from Elizabeth had a high neck, edged in cream-coloured lace.
A simple strand of pearls at her throat completed the look.

Elizabeth's Victorian ghost realness strikes again and I LOVE IT.

Things I counted:
Number of pages: 233
References to the twins' blue-green eyes: 6
References to the fact that the twins are blonde: 5
Amount of times Jessica references the number 137: 2

Sweet Valley High Revisited - Memories

This book was a bit of a snooze, to be honest. But let's give it a crack anyway.

(Also, please come on over and like my new Facebook page! Yep. Still plugging it.)

Sweet Valley High #24: Memories


"Steven! What's wrong?"
Ned Wakefield looked up from the book he was reading as his son streaked by the master bedroom.

I'd like to think that by streaking, they mean Steven has just run past in the nip, as it would have made this book infinitely more interesting. Unfortunately there isn't a wang to be had and Steven just ran quickly to his room and this whole story is basically just about him being sad. BOOORING.

You see, Steven had the nerve to enjoy hanging out with Cara Walker at Lila's party the previous night, prompting Betsy Martin to make a huge scene, giving him a load of shit for forgetting about her dead sister Tricia. It's pretty rude of her, considering how he took it upon himself to look after her when Tricia died and cured her of her drug and alcohol problems through the sheer power of Wakefield charisma.

However, Steven decides that she's right and feels like he's betrayed Tricia's memory, vowing never to do it again, so he starts to spend loads of time hanging around with Betsy, while she tells him about the time Tricia was a robin in a school play.

Jessica continues to be mean to Betsy for being a no-good skank (i.e. doing exactly all the things that Jessica does, but is poor, therefore she's a trashy slut rather than a mischievous flirt) and is pointedly rude to her when she calls over to the house one morning to meet Steven. However, it's soon followed by a classic Alice Wakefield burn, when she asks the twins to do the washing up.

[Following a conversation about how Jessica wants to be a movie star]
"Right now, though, the only roles we're casting for are the kitchen help." She got up and brought a few plates to the counter. "Anybody want to audition?'
"I don't mind trying out." Jessica grimaced. "But don't count on my taking it up as a career."
"Honey," her mother joked, "I never count on you for anything."

ALICE! I swear, this woman is a shade-throwing QUEEN.

Meanwhile, Elizabeth continues to pine for her boyfriend Todd, who now lives in Vermont, and she keeps seeing some guy around town who looks just like him. Could it be that Todd is leading some manner of double life and might actually have an interesting secret of some sort? Of course not. This guy is Michael Sellers, the captain of the Big Mesa volleyball team, Sweet Valley High's opponents in an upcoming charity match. The twins are on the team, naturally (winning at life includes being an excellent volleyball player, despite your prowess never being mentioned once over the course of 23 books) but on the night of the event, Elizabeth sucks for the first game, as she's all flustered by Michael's presence. He even has coffee brown eyes like Todd's! GIVE THOSE EYES BACK MICHAEL, THEY'RE NOT YOURS.

Despite Liz's shaky start, the Sweet Valley team eventually draw level and end up winning, with Elizabeth hitting the winning point, (or whatever the deal is with volleyball) because god forbid someone else in that school should get a moment of glory when there's a Wakefield on the team.

There's a big dance afterwards (duh) and when the twins go home to change before it, they, along with Steve's friend Artie who dropped over, convince Steve to come with them and do something non-dead-girlfriend-related. Cara sees Steven there and decides to go over and say hello, despite the fact that he ditched her at Lila's party after Betsy Martin's outburst and never fucking apologised. And even though he's excited to see her, Steven decides that the last time they hung out gave him "so much pain" that "he wanted no part of her tonight". Steady on, Steve. So instead of even being basic-level polite to her, he's frosty and immediately walks off to talk to Betsy, who's just arrived. Cara is humiliated and it's just so fucking RUDE of him. Also, what is the deal with all these college-age kids hanging around at a school dance for sixteen year olds? Can you imagine being in first year in college and hanging around at the Junior Cert disco? You'd be SCARLET.

Cara's a pretty sailor, but what's going on with her facial expression? Also, Steven, is that a velour shirt? Because it sure looks like one.

Meanwhile, Elizabeth has been dancing with Michael, marvelling at how much he looks like her ex-boyfriend. Always a good reason to hook up with someone, said no one ever. However, Elizabeth soon realises that in terms of personality, he's nothing like her beloved Todd (in that he actually has one), as he slags off the food that Winston made and has the audacity to put his paper plate under his chair when he's done, rather than in the bin. SHAAAME.

While all this has been going on, Jessica's been scheming away as usual in her subplot, after overhearing her mother talking to Mrs. Egbert about a movie director relative coming to stay at their house and how she'll keep it a secret for her. As a result, Jessica's been prowling after Winston and has inveigled her way into doing an English project with him. She goes over to his house one afternoon so they can work on it together and while there, learns that it's Mrs. Egbert's cousin Marty that's coming to stay in a few days time.

Later that night, Steven and the twins are having pizza for dinner as Ned and Alice have gone out for the evening. The subject of Cara Walker comes up, as Steve's friend Artie is supposed to be taking her out on a date, which Steve is grumpy about despite the fact that he's been nothing but awful to her for the last while. Jessica hints that Steve and Cara should get together, but Elizabeth reckons they're not right for each other.

"I'm sorry. Cara has pulled too many nasty stunts and told too many secrets for me to think that she'd be a match for Steve."

Oh fuck right off, Liz. Mind you don't fall off that high horse. Cara has never actually done anything to her and the shit that Jessica routinely pulls is genuine villainy, whereas all Cara has ever done is be prone to a bit of gossip and has the nerve to fancy Steve. Fucking Elizabeth.

Anyway, Steve gets mad at the two of them for talking about him like he's not even there, and it escalates into an argument between the three of them, with Jessica dropping truth bombs all up in his face. She calls Steve out for being too scared of what Betsy would say if he went out with Cara, which is 100% correct and tells him he's being incredibly rude to Cara, WHICH HE TOTALLY IS.

Steven slammed his fist on the counter. "I've told you, Jess, stay out of it. I'll live my life the way I want."
"OK," Jessica said. She shrugged. "But remember Cara's got one advantage over Tricia. She's alive."

YAAAS. Epic burn Jess.

Steven runs off crying because the truth hurts, BITCH and after thinking it over, decides that he really should apologise to Cara. HEY, YA THINK? He calls her up and it turns out that she didn't go out with Artie after all, so they arrange to go for a picnic the next day. Cara offers to organise some food and Steven's just like "yeah, see you then", when the least he could do is get off his fucking hole and sort out some goddamn cheese and bread and lemonade to make up for being such an utter turd to her, particularly since the picnic was his idea.

They go to the zoo for the day and after a wander around, head to a picnic area, where Cara lays out some fried chicken, pasta salad and a chocolate cake.

"I'm impressed," Steven said as he stretched his tall frame out on the blanket. "I didn't know you were such a good cook."
"I'm not," Cara confessed. "I bought the chicken and the salad."
"Hey," Steven said, sitting up. "That's cheating."

Hey, fuck you Steven, literally all you have contributed to this picnic is the fucking BLANKET. He sucks SO BAD. Anyway, they have a nice time somehow, so progress, I guess.

At school that week, Elizabeth catches up with Cara in the hallway and tells her TO HER FACE that she didn't think she was good enough for her precious asshole brother, but now that she sees how happy Cara has made him, she approves of her. LIZ. WHAT THE HELL. It's so unbelievably rude and unnecessary and the fucking NERVE of this girl. However, Cara is overjoyed that Saint Elizabeth hath bestowed her divine blessings upon her as a lowly not blonde apartment-dweller, and thanks her instead of telling her to go fuck herself.

It's Cara's birthday that weekend, so Steven is taking her out for dinner. He tells her to pick the restaurant, so she books the Valley Inn, a charming old place outside of town. However, it's also the place where he and Tricia went for dinner before she got too sick to leave the house. Steven bravely soldiers through (what a fucking trooper) and they have a lovely dinner together. A band starts playing, so they get up to slow dance, but then they start to play Tricia's favourite song and Steven freaks out, runs off and LEAVES CARA THERE. WITHOUT A LIFT HOME. ON HER FUCKING BIRTHDAY.

And breathe.

Meanwhile, Jessica heads over to Winston's house again and meets his mother's cousin, Marty. They have all these ambiguous conversations about his work, without ever actually stating what it is he does for a living, so you can probably guess how well this is going to turn out. Jessica tells him how interested she is in his line of work, and Marty offers to show her his latest project, which is DEFINITELY a movie script, right? Right? To quote Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, (as my good friend Billy so often does) "assumption is the mother of all fuck-ups" and it turns out that the "script" is actually a strategy for waste disposal in LA, because Marty's an engineer and his brother Phil, who couldn't make it, is the famous director. Foiled again, Jessica.

After ditching Cara yet again, Steven has been moping around the house, wrecking everyone's buzz and hanging around with Betsy to do depressing stuff like look at old photos of Tricia. Elizabeth comes up with a plan to snap Steven out of it, which involves going over to Betsy Martin's house in the gross part of town.

Trash littered the sidewalk, and pieces of broken glass sparkled in the sun. This did not seem at all like the Sweet Valley Elizabeth knew and loved.

Ewwww, poor people. Elizabeth manages to survive the litter and broken glass and tells Betsy about how she was the first one to find out that Tricia had leukemia and was sworn to secrecy because Tricia was trying to push Steve away so she wouldn't be holding him back. Betsy realises she was being a massive downer for Steve and agrees to let him live his life and actually give him a chance to move on.

In order to do this, a typically stupid and convoluted plan must be hatched, which involves Steven and Cara being lured to meet each other outside the school under false pretenses and Roger Collins' six year old son Teddy cycles over to hand them a mysterious package each. Teddy Collins is like the Sweet Valley rent-a-kid for annoying schemes in these books. It turns out that the packages contain portraits of both Steve and Cara for each other, with a note from Betsy, telling Steve to embrace life or whatever. Cara tells him that if he wants to begin again, she's there for him (RUN CARA, RUN!) and they kiss and everything is great.

Steven's heart swelled with happiness, and he felt as if Tricia were smiling down on them.

Greaaaat. I bet Tricia's never going to come up again as an issue in this relationship. Nope. No siree.

Notable outfit:
UGH this book was so boring and that goes for the clothes too. Elizabeth had a side-swept ponytail at one point, and Cara puts her hair into a topknot for her ill-fated birthday dinner with Steve. That's about as exciting as it got.

Things I counted:
Number of pages:151
References to the twins' blue-green eyes: 3
References to the fact that the twins are blonde: 5