Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Fifty Shades On Film - The Tedious Fuckery Continues

Having spent a sizeable amount of time word-punching my way through the first two Fifty Shades books, going to see the film adaptation was pretty much inevitable. I kinda backed myself into a corner there, so the other night I dragged my lovely BFF (and former blogmate - *tips a 40 on the curb*) Tess along, who has never read the books but fancies Jamie Dornan. (Or at least, fancied. I must check if that's still the case.) I was probably going to be somewhat biased going into the film, what with it being based on THE DUMBEST! BOOKS! IN THE WORLD! So Tess was a means of balancing my scorn for the source material, having successfully - and quite rightly - avoided it entirely.

We actually missed the very start, as we were too busy finishing off our pints in The Black Sheep beforehand and I overestimated the usual twenty minutes of ads before a film starts in Cineworld. (Fucking ADS like, not even trailers.) As we arrived, Dakota Johnson was in the middle of shyly interviewing Jamie Dornan at his desk, so I don't know if Ana fell arse over tit into his office like she did in the books, or if she began the film by staring glumly at her reflection in a mirror, moaning about her eyes being too big and how hard it is to be a beautiful skinny white woman.

In any case, to be fair to Dakota Johnson (and to my complete surprise) she actually managed to make Ana, a highly unlikable fuckwit, into someone tolerable and even kinda funny at times. And considering the fact that EL James was constantly on set wrecking everyone's heads, they were probably the times when she was looking the other way, distracted by something shiny. Film Ana was actually entertaining in places, such as when she drunk-dials Christian and takes the piss out him by putting on a gruff voice and mocking his idiotic indecisiveness. "Stay away from me, wait, c', no, go away." And she has the self-preservation instinct to be disturbed rather than overjoyed when Christian tracks her down in Georgia to berate her for having a few cocktails with her mother, which made a nice change.

However, Book Ana would still manage to elbow her way into the film every so often, perhaps most notably during their sex contract negotiations (during most of which Film Ana showed 100% more wit, backbone and general cop-on than EL James's pathetic lip-biting twat) when Dakota Johnson was presumably coerced into saying the line "What are butt plugs?" I mean, of all the many and varied devices that you can either attach to, or stick inside a person, butt plugs are probably as straightforwardly named a thing as you can get. IT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE, GODDAMMIT. THIS HAS EL JAMES WRITTEN ALL OVER IT.

Jamie Dornan had his work cut out for him, playing irredeemable prick Christian, and when it came to delivering ridiculous lines like "I don't make love...I fuck. Hard.", instead of collectively swooning, the cinema audience burst out laughing. Upon hearing the line, Tess actually folded herself into a tiny ball in her seat, quietly whimpering "'s so cringey." She was not having a good time.

Speaking of the audience, there was a weird, giddy atmosphere in the cinema, with high-pitched squeals of laughter at completely random moments and one guy theatrically clearing his throat every time Ana's knickers came off. It was like we were all on holiday from accepted cinema etiquette, but the movie was so stupid, it was actually fine. Distractions were welcome, if anything.

Unfortunately, there's no getting away from EL James's shoddy dialogue and barely-existent plot, so for the most part, it's actually quite a boring film to watch. Dakota and Jamie are both good-looking people, but their complete lack of chemistry makes the sex scenes about as titillating as watching two shop mannequins repeatedly bump into each other.

It also means that the decision Ana makes towards the end, i.e. allowing Christian to wallop her with a belt even though she wants no such thing, makes just as little sense onscreen as it did in the book. Particularly when there was so much emphasis on the agreed safewords in the run-up to it. JUST SAY RED FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

At this point, Tess was checking her emails, something which would be unacceptable were it literally any other film, but as I said, regular cinema etiquette had gone out the window and I just didn't care. It would have been nice if the girl in the row behind me stopped kicking my fucking seat though.

Anyway, the film managed to gloss over a lot of Christian's utter dickishness and because we're not hearing Ana's thoughts, which is mostly a relief, as it means we're spared her infuriating inner goddess fuckery, we also don't hear how constantly afraid she is of Christian, how she doesn't trust him and how she considers escaping out of her bedroom window when he LITERALLY BREAKS INTO HER HOUSE TO FUCK HER.

Unsurprisingly, it's not a good film. But it doesn't even have the decency to be the fun type of bad, like Showgirls bad. It might have had a shot at that particular brand of cult movie status had they included the tampon scene (which was really the most outrageous sex-thing in the entire series), or Christian throwing a big-boy tantrum when Ana tries to pay for their pancakes, so instead we're landed with a below-mediocre, boring sex film.

But then again, that's pretty much what I expected.

Tess's verdict: "Well that was shite."

Stray notes:
  • When Ana wakes up in Christian's hotel room and he says he "had no choice" but to undress her before putting her to bed. FUCK. RIGHT. OFF.
  • Also, the bit when he crawled up onto the bed and bit the toast out of her hand was hilariously stupid. Dude, what are you doing. Fuck away off from her toast.
  • I'm not sure why the film wanted us to hate Kate, but they pretty much immediately turned us against her when she declines Ana's offer to make her a sandwich, then changes her mind and TAKES ANA'S SANDWICH OUT OF HER HAND LIKE SOME KIND OF FUCKING ANIMAL. RUDE.
  • Rita Ora! With Louise Brooks hair! For about four seconds.
  • Just when we thought we were safe from the book's interminable MOTHERFUCKING EMAILS, they go and include them in the film. BOOM, EMAILED RIGHT IN THE FACE. Although at least they're streamlined down to name and message, but I'll just bet EL James was there in post-production, looking over everyone's shoulder and making the case for including timestamps and subject lines and dumbass signatures.
  • Ana's old-ass flip phone. Girl.
  • TAYLOR! My hero. Also about a thousand percent sexier than anything else in the film. Just like the books.
  • Jennifer Ehle, I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed. I even deployed your disapproving face as a means to tell Ana to shut up back in my first few recaps of the book. And now you do me like this.

(Also, last week, I was on 96fm in Cork for a chat about the books, which you can listen to here, should that be of interest. I turn up around the 30 minute mark.)

Tuesday, February 03, 2015

Paris In The Springtime

I rewatched classic 90s romantic comedy French Kiss while at home over Christmas, for the first time in yeeears. I'd forgotten how much I liked this film. It's properly funny, has great lines, Kevin Kline practically defining roguish charm and a catchphrase that became part of my family's vocabulary, namely, "eet makes my ass twitch". While watching it, I decided I would write a recap post, inspired by Bim Adewunmi's fantastic posts about 90s films. Although this one probably won't be half as well written as hers, and indeed, if you get bored halfway through (it's pretty long after all, and when I was in the middle of writing it I considered just abandoning the idea, because who wants to read 2000ish words from me about a film from twenty - CHRIST! - years ago?), I urge you to read Bim's wonderful posts about While You Were Sleeping, She's All That and 10 Things I Hate About You, because they're funny and insightful and you just should.

So. French Kiss! Let's go!

The movie opens with a close-up of Meg Ryan's eyes, nervously screwed shut. Her character Kate is apparently on a plane before takeoff. This is peak Meg Ryan, it's two years after Sleepless In Seattle and three years before You've Got Mail, she's cute as a goddamn button and her hair looks great.

(Also, fun fact - I've just discovered that Meg voiced Dr. Blight in Captain Planet! Remember? The sexy villainess scientist with the great jawline and the cool haircut that covered a massive scar on her face? Had an evil computer sidekick called MAL? Who, it turns out, was voiced by Tim Curry at one point! What a great cartoon.)

Anyway, Kate is mad nervous and quite clearly terrified of flying. The voice over the intercom suddenly addresses her by name, telling her to stick to the plan of thinking of a little stone cottage to calm herself down, because this ain't no plane bitches, it's actually a simulator at a place for curing people of their fear of flying. It must be a lucrative business, because their pretend plane setup is highly elaborate and Kate manages to get a refund from the company when she freaks out and goes tumbling out the cabin door in a panicked attempt to escape. It turns out that she was trying to get over her fear so she could go to Paris with her fiancee Charlie for a medical conference he's attending.

Back at home, Charlie tries to convince Kate to come with him while packing for his trip, but Kate is pretending she doesn't really want to go anyway, because she doesn't like French people (harsh enough, Kate) and while she would love to see the Eiffel Tower, she isn't actually supposed to leave the country while her application for Canadian citizenship is coming through. Oh yeah, because we're in Canada you see, and this film does its utmost to provide the audience with little background reminders of that fact, which I enjoyed immensely. Would you like to see some? I've decided that you've said yes. And I've taken the liberty of pointing them out. Shoutily.

So. That evening, Kate drags Charlie out for a drive so they can look at a lovely house up for sale. Charlie's all like, "What are we doing outside this house, which is for sale?" so we can only assume that he's never seen a film before in his life, because Kate quite obviously has something big to tell him. That thing is that Kate's been saving her money for years and she has a nest egg of 45,000 dollarybucks, so they could actually buy said house, with a little help from his parents. Charlie's reaction to this exciting news is to quietly say "my whole life is passing before my eyes and I don''t even have children yet." Charlie appears to be significantly less excited than Kate. Charlie is kind of a dick.

Cut to Kate watching telly at home, getting a phonecall from Charlie in Paris, who goes on about how "incroyable" the sauce that came with his dinner was (dick), at which point Kate slightly panics and warns him that she saw a thing on 60 Minutes, where "the sauce has to be incroyable to cover up the horsemeat!" However, they don't actually hide horsemeat in France, Meg. There are literally pictures of horses on the signs outside French butchers.

Anyway, we see Kate get a few more calls from Charlie, in which he gets increasingly brusque, talking over Kate (dick) and doesn't appear to have any interest in talking about their plans to buy the house they looked at. Finally, he rings while Kate is making dinner (in a wonderfully 90s midriff-baring blue polo neck), and he sounds kinda drunk. He launches into telling Kate about this "goddess" he's met and how sorry he is, but he's not coming back because he's in love "like in a sonnet" and he feels like he can do anything, even pee with someone standing in line behind him (which appears to be something he was previously unable to accomplish). DICK.

Kate is understandably distraught while he's telling her all this, but gets her plucky rom-com heroine game face on and gets herself on a plane. Unsurprisingly, she is having a terrible time and all the stone cottages in the world don't seem to be helping. Her thought exercises are then disrupted by the sound of a French man arguing with one of the flight attendants, a French man who just happens to be played by the utter delight that is Kevin Kline.

Oh hai.
He's Luc, the Frenchest French man ever to French, and ends up seated beside Kate, which she's none too happy about, but he's not joint top-billed on this film for nothing, so get on board, Kateypants! I love Kevin Kline. Frenchie Luc looks on with mild interest while Kate begins to freak the fuck out as the plane is taxiing (I had to Google how to spell that properly and it still looks weird) and gearing up for takeoff. He then makes fun of her for being all prim and proper with her shirt all buttoned up and, in his opinion, "afraid of life, love and sex". She tells him he's rude and he ends up provoking her into a full-scale argument to distract her from takeoff because he's SECRETLY LOVELY.

Also, here's one last background-Canada before they leave the country altogether, and because all that shouting ended up reminding me of Benny and his "SPACESHIP!" in The Lego Movie...

Kate ends up telling Luc all about Charlie and they discuss love and relationships and such. Luc tells Kate that he lost his virginity at the age of twelve to a prostitute called Magda. Kate was eighteen and her first time was with a jock called Jeff in her basement on Valentine's Day, with Jeopardy on in the background. Apparently Jeff got all the questions wrong, except for the sports round.

At one point, Luc gets all jumpy when Kate pats his arm and when he runs off to the airplane bathroom, we see that he's got a baby vine all wrapped up with a diamond necklace squirreled away in an inside pocket of his leather jacket. When he gets back to his seat after carefully watering the vine, Kate is asleep so he hides both the plant and the necklace in her backpack. When they arrive at the airport, as far as an unassuming Kate knows, she has nothing to declare, so she breezes past customs, while Luc is immediately stopped, due to the big shifty head on him and then approached by a cop. Who is played by Jean Reno because OBVIOUSLY. He's pretty much the go-to guy when it comes to French cops. His character is called Jean-Paul, which is great because Jean Reno is the most Jean-looking guy in the world, so why bother pretending otherwise?

I mean..right?
Jean Reno drags Luc off to his car, while he helplessly watches Kate get into a taxi with his loot in her bag. Jean goes through all of Luc's stuff on the journey into Paris, he's actually with his family and explains to his kids that Luc saved his life back in the day, so they're kinda buddies I guess?

Kate turns up at George V, the fancy hotel that Charlie is staying at, but the concierge is unhelpful and rude because Charlie has a do not disturb notice on his room phone, like the bastard he is. Kate tries to bribe concierge man, but he's having none of it, haughtily declaring; "It is my duty as concierge to safeguard the privacy of our guests." Pretty sure it's to order taxis and sort out show tickets for rich people, but whatever.

With no other option available, Kate waits in the lobby, hoping that Charlie will show up soon. In the meantime, she's joined by a suave dude in a bad yellow shirt (with matching pocket square) who seems to be chatting her up. However, Kate is preoccupied with her and Charlie's last conversation and ends up asking this dude if he can urinate with someone standing behind him, which leads to a great misunderstanding about sexual watersports and this dude, who is quite clearly a gigolo, kindly offering to facilitate.

However, while these wires are being crossed, Charlie descends in the glass lift accompanied by a gorgeous bird with swooshy Kelly Kapowski hair and the sight of them together causes Kate to faint. Suave Gigolo Guy nicks her luggage while she's passed out and briefly meets Luc in the revolving door on his way out. Luc arrives on the scene to revive Kate, who is most upset at all her bags being stolen. "My money, my passport, my VITAMINS!" She then goes on a slightly out-of-it rant about all men being bastards and it's just wonderful. It turns out that Luc knows the guy who took her luggage, and his name is Bob. "Of course you know him, all you bastards know each other."

Also, now that Kate is left without her luggage, it means that she's stuck with this outfit for most of the film:

I know, Kate. I don't know why you chose that sweater-vest thing either.
However, Kate is nothing if not a resourceful dresser, and actually manages to knock quite a few looks out of this particular combination of clothes. As fashion people say, layering is your friend and it certainly worked out for Kate in this instance. See?

So, back to going after Kate's stuff, Luc steals a car (setting something of a precedent here that French dudes do a lot of stealing, unless they're cops called Jean) and they go to find Bob. On the way, Luc asks why Kate has come all the way to Paris for Charlie to humiliate her to her face but she's convinced that once he sees her in person it will break whatever spell this girl has put on him with her fancy French vagina. 

Bob lives in a sad little apartment, they retrieve her backpack but her money, passport and for some reason most importantly, vitamins, are all gone. Luc ransacks the place looking for his baby vine and finds it on the windowsill, so he grabs it and whispers to it like it's his tiny leafy girlfriend.

Kate realises that Luc was only helping her so he could get his vine back, so they get into yet another row, this time over him using her as an unwitting mule. He explains that he needs the plant so he can mix it with French vines and start his own unique vineyard, but Kate doesn't care and just wants rid of him at this stage. They separate and Luc discovers that the necklace is missing, so he goes back to Bob and holds him up by the neck until he says it must still be in Kate's bag.

Kate makes her way to the American embassy and sleeps outside the gates, waiting for it to open. In the morning, looking remarkably fresh for someone who slept outside on the footpath, she gets to a counter and ends up being told that the embassy won't help her because she needs her Canadian citizenship stuff for them to give her a US passport. For some reason, the American counter lady seems to take it personally when Kate explains that she's applying for Canadian citizenship. Relax, counter lady. Kate then has to trundle off to the Canadian embassy and explain that there was an emergency, which was why she had to leave the country. Canadian embassy guy is nice and polite, but it turns out that Kate was arrested as a college student when she was caught with a joint, and because she was convicted her visa is denied. Womp womp. Poor Kate.

Also, while she's been forlornly wandering around Paris, Kate has been unknowingly playing a game of hide and seek with the Eiffel Tower, which is being lousy and hiding on her at every opportunity.

She ends up coming across Charlie and Juliette having a sexy lunch and Juliette has a massive engagement ring on her finger. Kate calls Charlie's sister from a phone box and refers to his mother as Mom which is a little bit weird. They know that Charlie got re-engaged and is going to the south of France to meet Juliette's parents, and they all think he's a dick for the way he's treated Kate. Who at this point is sobbing in a phone booth, but still determined to win him back. "I will triumph!", she declares between sobs with a raised fist, while the wide shot reveals the Arc de Triomphe in the background. It's cheesy as hell but I like it. (Although the Arc de Triomphe has taken on a new meaning since I've started watching Broad City.)

Back at the fancy George V hotel, Bob gets picked up in the lobby by Jean Reno before he can score some rich-lady sex. Kate also arrives back at the hotel to find that Charlie has already left, so she dings the concierge's bell until he tells her where Charlie is staying in Nice. Bob tells Jean Reno to ask Luc about a stolen necklace, so he follows Luc to the train station, where Kate is now getting a ticket to Nice. Luc catches up with her and says he's there to make it up to her and help, and after a crafty little chase sequence involving train carriages and hiding from Jean in luggage carts, he gets on the train with Kate. And now, as she's leaving Paris, she finally gets to see the Eiffel Tower from the train window, a great, clear view of the whole thing so it can't run off and hide on her again. Hooray!

Kate tells Luc how she met Charlie at a party in Toronto (CANADA, REMEMBER?)

"It wasn't like a thunderclap or lightning bolt, it was more like a..."
Luc: "Light drizzle?" 

Luc tries to talk her out of this whole plan to win Charlie back and tells her that she'll forget about him in time and be able to begin again. It's quite a sweet moment from Luc and looks like he's really starting to care about how this turns out for Kate. Later on, Kate falls asleep and Luc tries to root around in her bag, which she is using as a pillow, for the diamond necklace. But Kate ends up sort of cuddling up to him in her sleepy state and sleep-shifts him. Luc sits back in his seat defeated for now but also kinda dazed, because it looked like a very, VERY good kiss.

The next morning, Luc finds Kate in the dining car, positively horsing her way through a plate filled with amazing French cheese. She tells him how energised she feels and that it's partly down to a dream she had that was "delicious" (SLEEP-SHIFT) and talks about how great cheese is. Which I can entirely get on board with. I mean, look at the breakfast she's having, for god's sake. I'm so jealous.

Kate enthusiastically remarks on how beautiful the passing French countryside is and Luc is all "pssh" and unimpressed because he was born there. "Here? But this is so charming!" Suddenly Kate feels sick from all the cheese because it turns out she's lactose intolerant (what the hell, dude? Don't eat ALL THE CHEESE!). They have to get out at a little countryside station as the rocking motion of the train wasn't helping matters, and we see Kate emerging from the bathroom after having a massive poo I guess, or whatever it is that happens to lactose intolerant people. The next train isn't for another two hours, so they wander off to a plaza, where Kate does a pretty solid impression of Luc, which mostly revolves around his wonderful catchphrase, "my ass is twitching".

A random dude then drives into the plaza, parks right up in front of them and launches into a fight with Luc. They do some manly tussling and Luc gets the upper hand, punching the guy out (there's even a smattering of light applause! French people appreciate a swift, efficient row). Luc then reveals to a bewildered Kate that this guy is in fact his brother and they end up going to the family vineyard. It turns out that Luc lost his half of the family business in a drunken poker game with his brother and then slept with the brother's wife, hence the punchy greeting.

Luc says that his family hates him, but is immediately proven to be a big liar, as we cut to his dad being clearly delighted to see him, happiness etched all over his old French face. They all have an outdoor lunch together (there's a whole load of people there, so I suppose everyone just lives there together like a big vineyardy commune) at a big long table in the sunshine and it looks like an ad for olive oil.

Luc's mother is watching Kate being cute and charming across the table and tells her wayward son that she's impressed. Luc says they're just friends, but they're getting along so well and their particular brand of chemistry is hard to ignore, so Maman is not fooled. Afterwards, Luc has another go of looking through Kate's bag while she's occupied elsewhere, but there's still no sign of the necklace.

Kate asks to see Luc's room and he ends up showing her a project he made while he was in school. It's a wooden box filled with little containers of herbs and was about demonstrating how smelling lavender and rosemary and whatnot helps to discern the flavours in wine (because OF COURSE French schoolkids do projects about tasting wine. After losing their virginites to the local working girls, I guess), which he then gets Kate to do and she's suitably impressed. She's seeing a new, softer, non-stealy side to Luc and kisses him on the cheek as they leave the room. He then shows her an abandoned vineyard that he was planning on buying one day, but now his plan for money to fund it has fallen apart (i.e. the necklace). He'd do anything for his vineyard dream, "even beg", like Kate has said that she'd do for Charlie so they begin to see that they're not that different. As such, Luc promises to help Kate get Charlie back. For real this time, as now that he's lost the necklace, there's no ulterior motive involved.

Back at the train station, Kate asks what Luc's plan was to get the money for the land. He explains that he had something to sell but lost it, Kate asks what the thing could possibly be and asks whether it was something "LIKE ZISSS?", revealing that she's wearing the diamond necklace under her shirt. Tricksy Kate! She knew the score all along!

They get to Nice and Luc advises Kate how she should play it when she finally sees Charlie. The main point is not to make a big scene. However, as they're checking into the hotel, Kate spots Charlie with Juliette and her family having lunch together and tries to spy on them. But in the grand tradition of clumsy, beautiful rom-com heroines, Kate ends up noisily falling arse-first into a fully-laden dessert cart, hitting the floor all covered in cake and quickly crawling away. Charlie thinks he sees her and goes to investigate but she manages to lose him, despite the fact that she's surely left a trail of whipped cream behind her.

In the hotel room, after Kate has washed all the dessert carnage off herself, Luc urges her to make Charlie feel like he can't have her, but who are we really talking about here, Luc? HMM? The next morning (in some new clothes! Hooray!), Kate casually pops over to Charlie and Juliette on the beach and plays the breezy ex to utter perfection, acting completely unfazed by a frosty Juliette and her pouty, 90s supermodel beauty.

Charlie is caught completely off guard and Kate tells him to chill, that she's fine and not there to fight with him. She explains that she had initially intended to try to win him back, but then met Luc in Paris, who turns up playing the cool new French dude and Charlie is completely at a loss as to what the hell is going on.

Afterwards, Kate is buzzing as phase one of the plan has gone so well and she's arranged to meet Charlie later that evening for dinner to do breakup admin. But then the intrepid Jean Reno shows up like a big buzzkill and gets Kate on her own so he can explain that the necklace is stolen. However, due to him and Luc being star-crossed buddies and all, he says that the necklace can be returned to him and Luc won't be arrested because he owes him one.

Luc's plan is to sell the necklace in Cartier the following day, so Kate sees an opportunity to get him out of trouble and offers to do it. Luc figures it's a better plan, as Kate has such an innocent-looking head on her, so agrees to let her take care of it. That night, before meeting Charlie, Kate gets herself all dolled up and her entrance is essentially a classic movie makeover, as up until this point, she's been rearranging the same outfit, being violently sick on a train and getting covered in soufflé. She looks gorgeous. Luc gives her the necklace to wear for the night and they dance in the hotel room so she can practice her relaxed, give-a-fuck routine. Kate wonders aloud when she should stop pretending that she's not still in love with Charlie, Luc says he's going to bang Juliette to keep her out of the way for the evening, Kate shushes him and they have a lovely quiet moment while dancing and potentially realising that they'd actually prefer to just hang out together for the evening instead.

Kate goes for dinner with Charlie and runs through a list of who should keep what. Charlie is still thrown by Kate's new carefree attitude and asks her if she hates him. Charlie feels guilty about being so terrible to her and asks her for one last dance. Cut to Juliette and Luc drinking at the hotel bar and Juliette is most unimpressed that Charlie has ditched her for the night to go for dinner with his ex.

Charlie remarks on how different Kate is and laments the fact that he wasn't the one to make her as happy as she seems now.

Suddenly, it's blue-lit sexytime with Juliette and Luc, but mid-tumble he calls her Kate by accident, essentially cockblocking himself. Kate and Charlie are doing the same (also blue-lit) but Kate tells him to stop when she realises that he just wants what he can't have. She gives out to him for already dumping his new fiancée for her and he's all "I'm sorry, I was afraid of getting married". But not to Juliette, as Kate points out and she finally realises that he's a massive douchebag and she doesn't actually want him back anymore.

The next morning, she tells Luc that Charlie wants to come back to Canada with her and he lets on that he hooked up with Juliette. They go to Cartier, Kate goes in but is actually meeting Jean Reno in there and hands over the necklace in exchange for a cheque which is actually her nest egg money. Not the nest egg! The necklace is worth over €100,000 so Luc isn't too impressed at first when she comes out with a €40,000 cheque. He eventually admits that it actually is enough to get started with his vineyard and thanks her. They have bittersweet moment on the seafront as Kate says she has to go and that Charlie is waiting. (LIES!)

Luc walks sadly along the pier when Kate leaves and I just have to point out this couple that ambles past him:

I love that this lady is just awkwardly holding a baguette with a little serviette around it, like it's not even in one of those paper baguette bags. Where are you going, baguette lady? And what kind of shoddy boulangerie just hands you a baguette with nothing wrapped around it? What are we, peasants? This is NICE for fuck's sake! It's like the director panicked and went "Quick! Take this baguette and walk by in the foreground, so no one forgets we're in France!" It's the new "CANADA!"

However, Luc then spots Charlie (in a hilariously terrible shirt) arguing with Juliette and then making up, suddenly realising that Kate is NOT in fact going back to Canada with him. Then Jean Reno appears, like a benevolent matchmaking French genie. Luc gestures to Charlie and Juliette in the distance and says "that's not love". Jean Reno tells Luc that he knows a love story but maybe Luc can help with the ending. The screen fades away as he begins to tell Luc what Kate has done for him, to keep him out of trouble.

Cut to Kate on the plane with her eyes closed, and GASP! There's lovely Luc on the seat beside her to tell her she shouldn't be flying anywhere. Woohoo for pre-9/11 lax airport security letting people onto planes at random! Kate realises that she wants to stay with Luc and they have a lovely kiss where they're both actually awake this time. Then we finally jump to them shifting in the middle of a lush green vineyard, her in a floaty floral dress and - look! - her motherfuckin' STONE COTTAGE in the background! Yeah bitches!

They walk away hand in hand so they can make their awesome hybrid sex wine and Louis Armstong sings La Vie En Rose over the credits.

THE END. Yaaay!

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Sweet Valley High Revisited - Crash Landing!

After all that board-game excitement and boyfriend thievery, I suppose it's time to see what's been going down in Sweet Valley town. And this one has an exclamation mark in the title, so you just KNOW it's going to be good.

Sweet Valley High #20: Crash Landing!

Enid Rollins is in the air in a two-seater Cessna with her boyfriend George, on his first flight as a qualified pilot. She's having a lovely time, but George is wracked with guilt because he has to break up with her after this, having fallen in love with Robin Wilson, who used to be fat, as we are constantly reminded. But before George can come clean, there's a problem with the plane's engine and they go crashing into Secca Lake. George is knocked out from the impact and Enid saves his life by pulling him out of the cabin before the plane sinks, but damages her spine in the process, resulting in her losing all feeling in her legs.

The pair are rescued by the emergency services, while Todd and a bunch of Sweet Valley students watch from the lakeside, where they had been having a picnic and playing football like the sexy, wholesome teenagers they are. I particularly enjoyed this exchange between Todd and Ken Matthews (I almost typed Ken Adams there, and that's what happens when repeat episodes of Friends on Comedy Central are the background noise of my life):

"Does anyone know what happened to the people in the plane?" Todd continued, worried.
"We don't know yet," Ken Matthews said, soberly. 
"But it's not just people, Todd. According to Robin Wilson it's Enid Rollins and George Warren."


Jessica and Elizabeth are in the police station after the whole Jessica-almost-being-murdered thing and hear about the accident on the police radio, prompting Jessica to exclaim "I'll die if anything happens to Enid!" Which, as we all know is BULLLLSHIIIIITTTTTT seeing as Jessica has slagged Enid off in every single book so far, deliberately tried to ruin her reputation and constantly wishes that Elizabeth wasn't her BFF.

They all rush off to the hospital to find that George is fine but Enid is now paralyzed from the waist down. George is utterly miserable and decides that Enid must never find out about him and Robin and that he's going to stay with her now because he blames himself for what happened.

Meanwhile, Jessica and Lila have signed up for a gourmet cooking class because Lila has been banging on about how important it is to know how to make "elegant dishes" (says the girl with actual servants) and talked Jessica into joining her. It's awkward at first but they make up quickly after the events of the last book, because "Jessica was too good a friend to stay mad at for long" (wuh? Jessica is a TERRIBLE FRIEND. She literally JUST STOLE YOUR BOYFRIEND.)

Anyway, the teacher arrives and he's a sexy French dude called Jean-Pierre, so naturally Jessica is immediately on high alert. He's "the handsomest man she'd ever seen" (in this book anyway) and is all crooked smiles and charm and sexy Frenchness.

On the way home in Lila's lime green Triumph (so amazing), Lila tells Jessica that Robin Wilson has broken up with her boyfriend for some other guy and as they're passing Robin's house they see George Warren coming down the driveway to his car. Escandalo!

Robin wasn't actually home and George was calling over to tell her that they can't see each other anymore and he's staying with Enid. In any case, Jessica runs to Elizabeth with her wrong end of the stick and tells her what she saw, launching a Sweet Valley High cold war against Robin. The next day at school, Jessica and Cara are frosty and mean to Robin, with Jessica justifying it afterwards as them doing what they can to help Enid. Because bullying someone is the perfect way to help Enid. Of course.

This bit is swiftly followed by yet another reminder that Robin used to be fat and a line with a message so outrageously bad it's actually hard not to laugh.

A strict diet-and-exercise regime had helped Robin to become one of the prettiest girls in the junior class.


Anyway, Jessica continues to justify being horrible to Robin, with the following logic:

Fair's fair, she told herself. Robin shouldn't see George behind Enid's back. And that's all there is to it.

Because she's clearly forgotten EVERYTHING THAT JUST HAPPENED.

Poor Robin doesn't understand why her friends are giving her the brush-off and can't figure out why Jessica and Cara seem to be mad at her.

I'm just getting paranoid, Robin decided, looking hungrily at the ice-cream Cara had left uneaten in her bowl.

LOOKING HUNGRILY. Because lest we forget, Robin Wilson is nothing if not a walking bag of food issues and a fat bird at heart. However, even Elizabeth is short with her when she asks how Enid is doing, so something is definitely wrong when even Saint Liz won't give her the time of day. Afterwards, Robin eats a massive slice of chocolate cake with ice cream on top, because "it wouldn't matter if she did get fat again" now that "it didn't look like she had any friends left to notice". Goddammit ghostwriter, don't make me come over there.

ENIIIID! I am highly enjoying everyone's t-shirts on this cover. Although considering that Elizabeth wasn't there for the crash and she doesn't actually see Enid until she's in hospital, I'm not sure what's going here, unless Elizabeth is after sneaking into Enid's room to prop her up while she's asleep. Much weirder stuff has happened in these books.

Elizabeth visits Enid in hospital, but George is there and it's all a bit tense and awkward. Elizabeth mentions the upcoming school dance and Enid becomes all sad and wistful that she's going to miss it. The school has so many dances though, it's a wonder they can get through a single curriculum, so there isn't really anything to be too worried about on that front. Elizabeth feels guilty about keeping the truth about George and Robin from Enid and George feels terrible too, so as it stands, everyone is miserable.

Everyone except Jessica, who's still eye-banging her sexy cooking teacher and has come up with a plan to surprise her parents with a spectacular and romantic dinner on their wedding anniversary. This is because Jessica forgets it every year and then feels like an asshole when Elizabeth gives them some thoughtful and meaningful present. But really, what kind of jerk sibling doesn't give you a heads-up if they're getting your parents a cool gift for a special occasion, especially when you're all living in the same house? Liz is the asshole here.

Robin persuades Elizabeth to meet her in Casey's after school, because she's lonely and sad and needs someone to talk to, as everyone in school is freezing her out. She actually says "You're my only hope!" I see you, Star Wars fan ghostwriter. I see you. Robin orders a sundae and immediately regrets it, telling Liz that she's started to put weight back on.

"You look fine to me," Elizabeth fibbed. As a matter of fact, Robin did look as if she'd gained some weight.

FUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUU! Elizabeth Wakefield, the Obi Wan of quietly judgemental bitchery.

Elizabeth tells Robin that she's been avoiding her because she feels awkward about the whole her and George thing and Robin insists that they haven't even spoken since they both decided to stop seeing each other unless Enid gets better. Elizabeth is having none of it and storms out, leaving Robin and her sundae alone together, at last.

Enid has an operation on her back that all went well, but she's still in a wheelchair, even though the doctors said she should be able to walk again now. Elizabeth decides to host a dinner party for Enid, George and Todd at her house, because an integral part of being a Sweet Valley teenager is to act like a fucking middle-aged married couple. There's even classical music on in the background. It turns out that Enid has been skipping physical therapy and feels like there's something up with George, who is all quiet and nervous, so the whole evening ends up being weird and tense.

Meanwhile, Jessica has resolved to ask Jean Pierre to be her date to the dance, despite the fact that he's well into his twenties and that's surely the type of thing that'll put your name on some kind of register. However, before she gets the opportunity to ask him and make a show of herself, his gorgeous redhead wife appears, which thankfully puts an end to that scheme.

The night of the dance arrives, Jessica is looking foxy and tanned in her cream coloured dress, Robin Wilson is definitely getting fat (She really looks like she's gained some weight, Jessica thought critically) and then Enid shows up in a wheelchair and a hush falls over the whole gym like it's a wild west saloon, because the kids at this school are dicks.

Enid is super self-conscious and tells George to go dance with someone. The idiot goes and dances with Robin and apparently it's obvious to everyone that they're in love. Things haven't been right between George and Enid since the crash, so she figures out what's going on and confronts him, confirming her suspicions.

A few nights later, Jessica makes dinner for the family as a trial run for her surprise anniversary dinner for Ned and Alice, but manages to give everyone food poisoning with dodgy clams. FINALLY, something that Jessica isn't spectacular at.

Enid's mother calls over to see Elizabeth, because she's worried about her daughter's lack of progress, and of course even the adults in Sweet Valley come to Elizabeth Wakefield for help. Mrs Rollins explains that Enid's spine is physically back to normal and she should be able to walk by now, but the doctors seem to think there's some kind of psychological block stopping her from recovering fully. Elizabeth then drops over to Mr Collins at his house to pester him outside school hours for help, because being a teacher in Sweet Valley is a 24/7 job. Which must suuuck.

The Wakefields go out for dinner once they've all recovered from Jessica poisoning them, and she's getting fed up of everyone taking the piss out of her disastrous cooking. Then to top off her bad mood, Elizabeth surprises Ned and Alice with tickets to a dinner-theatre evening for their anniversary on Friday. Dick. So Jessica's secret plan to make dinner for them goes tits up and nobody seems to care when she tells them about it. Womp womp.

Elizabeth has come up with a plan to jolt Enid past her mental block and get her out of the wheelchair, so she invites her over to the house one evening. She's recruited Mr Collins' six year old son Teddy to take part in this mysterious plan, which turns out to be her leaving Teddy and Enid alone for a few minutes in the back garden and having Teddy PRETEND TO DROWN IN THE POOL.


Anyway, her insane plan works and Enid jumps out of her chair to save Teddy (who can actually swim really well) and everybody is super happy because Enid can walk again. Enid then cuts George loose so he can be with Robin and later that day everyone goes to Casey's for ice cream or whatever and Elizabeth gets a STANDING OVATION when she walks in. Because even when you've overcome a psychological hurdle and propelled yourself out of a wheelchair to save a drowning child, Elizabeth Wakefield is somehow still the hero.

Notable outfit:
Another disappointing lack of hilarious dresses and ruffles and whathaveyou, so this one goes out to the ever-foxy Mr. Collins and the Robert Redford head on him.

That night Mr. Collins looked even more dashing than usual in a white linen jacket and navy blue trousers.

You forgot to be on a yacht, Roger. With Don Johnson.

Things I counted:
Number of pages:151
References to the twins' blue-green eyes: 8
References to the fact that the twins are blonde: 6
Amount of times people bite their lip: 7 (We're almost getting Fifty Shades of Grey levels of lip biting up in here.)

Monday, January 05, 2015

Sweet Valley High - THE GAME!

I demand a recount. Christmas can't be over, it just CAN'T. Although considering the fact that the other day, when I bent down to pick something up, a button LITERALLY pinged right off the front of my coat, maybe it's just as well. Christmas belly has reached critical mass. So now we're all back at work, trying to remember passwords and what it is that we actually do here (I had to write something down a minute ago and suddenly realised I hadn't even held a pen in two weeks), I'm going to distract you with something frivolous and fun.

Among the very cool presents that the Bear got for me this Christmas, one in particular was RIDICULOUSLY exciting to open. For you see it was the 1988 pastel-coloured masterpiece of board game tie-ins, the Sweet Valley High game.

I took it home to Waterford for the Christmas break and roped my mother, my brother Fish and his girlfriend Princess into playing it with me. I was Enid (I'm probably secretly most like her anyway, despite my delusions of Lila Fowler awesomeness and caviar sandwiches), Mam was Jessica and seemed to revel in Jess's bad behaviour, Fish strapped on a pair of goody two shoes to play as Elizabeth and Princess played as Lila. (I was kinda jealous.)

Each player gets a scoreboard which has a list of items to collect for their respective big dates, including a teacher and a boyfriend. For some reason Enid's boyfriend is Winston Egbert, which, as we all know, is clearly crazy talk. Also, Mr. Collins is part of Elizabeth's items to collect for her "Weekend Bike Tour", because as ever, there's a man who wouldn't know how to be appropriate if his life depended on it. Step away from the sixteen-year-olds, Roger. Also, why the hell is this old Mr. Fellows dude at Lila's birthday party? Goddamn Sweet Valley High teachers. You can't take your eye off them for a second.

The person playing as Jessica gets to roll first, because obviously, and if it was any other way, you just know that she'd come up with some kind of scheme to ruin your life. She's done it for less. The object of the game is to make your way around the board, collect all your items and get back to your home square with everything intact. The item cards are all upside down too, so you need to try to remember what's where once they've been looked at. (I couldn't for the life of me remember where Enid's surfboard was, and could only seem to say it like Beyoncé, so there was quite a bit of "Where the hell is my surfboard? MY SURFBORT!")

Also, it's not so easy when there's frequent "Change Boyfriends" squares to land on, which led to quite a lot of boyfriend-stealing and Ken Matthews being passed around the table like some kind of man-whore, as he was the only boyfriend card we unearthed for a lot of the game. (We didn't even find Todd until the game was over. Fish/Elizabeth was most displeased with Todd's excellent hiding skills. "Todd, you bastard!")

In amongst the items there are also "Go to detention" cards to trip you up and make you miss your next turn, as well as a deck of cards to draw from when you land on a "play a card" square that could either make things easier for someone or mess up their scoreboard completely. They mostly seemed to focus on Jessica constantly screwing people over for, like, no reason, as is to be expected.

In the end, as in life, Jessica (and in this case, Mam) was victorious and managed to sneak back to her home square with everything she needed for her prom date (including Bruce Patman), while everyone else was ganging up on me and stealing Winston from my grasp - Elizabeth's goody two shoes came loose pretty effing fast, let me tell you - when I was almost back to my square with a full card.

It's actually really good fun to play and the boyfriend stealing side of things is hilarious. Those Sweet Valley boys get around even more than Jessica does. And that's saying something.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Quelque Chose #28

I've had an idea to write a post about lady wrestlers in the 40's and 50's knocking around my head for the last while, (as there were quite a few and they were all pretty amazing), but I just haven't gotten around to it due to being, in turns, either quite busy or very lazy. (Murder She Wrote and Jem aren't just going to watch themselves on Netflix now, are they?) But while looking for photos for such a post, I found these deadly ones of a vaudeville act in the 1910s, that comprised of two sisters who would box and wrestle onstage.

And they were called the Bennett Sisters, which is pretty cool.

Oh Mr. Collins, please just take no for an answer, would you?

Hey Mr. Wickham, running off with my underage sister, are we?

(Photos via)

Friday, December 05, 2014

Sweet Valley High Revisited - Showdown

Oh it feels amazing to be free of EL James and her woeful writing! I had to take a bit of a break there to shake off the sense of despair that 50 Shades instills in me. Now I'm back and it's high goddamn time we checked in on the denizens of Sweet Valley and see what Elizabeth and Jessica have been up to. I bet it involves them being spectacularly beautiful. Let's do this thing!

Sweet Valley High #19: Showdown

The Wakefield twins are doing the dishes after a family brunch on a Sunday and discussing a pool party that Lila Fowler is throwing later that day. You see, she has a new boyfriend and as Elizabeth notes, "she probably invented this whole pool party just to lure him over to her house and show him off to everyone". That's exactly what Lila is up to, but Elizabeth laughs "good-naturedly" after saying as much, because she's a wonderful person you see, and wasn't being bitchy because that's just not possible. She's honesty personified, after all.

Jessica, however, is already on a mission to steal Lila's new boyfriend, without even having met him. Lila screwed Jess over at the end of the last book by only getting her a D in the term paper she wrote for her after losing a bet and Jessica swore she'd get back at her. Although even if none of that had previously gone down, I expect Jess would still try to poach this dude anyway. ♫ That's what frenemies are forrrr...

So everyone is at Lila's mansion and hanging out by the pool, Elizabeth and her "lithe, tanned body" are making out with Todd and his "lean, muscular build" because they're both just SO FREAKING SEXY, Nicholas Morrow and Winston Egbert are having doggy paddle race in the pool and Olivia Davidson is playing her guitar under a tree somewhere like the goddamn hippy she is.

Lila's new beau eventually shows up and his name is Jack, he's super handsome and wears Lacoste shirts and Top-Siders (which I had to Google and appear to essentially be Dubarry shoes). When Jessica spots him, she leaps into action, whipping off her robe to reveal a tiny turquoise bikini and backflips into the pool like a fucking pro. She then calls Lila and Jack to join her and notes that Lila's shiny black bikini is as skimpy as hers and that "Lila's trim figure was almost as good" as Jessica's. Almost. All the money in the world can't buy those sexy Wakefield genetics, Fowler!

Jack charms everyone at the party, but doesn't really talk about himself and gets all squirrelly and flustered when Nicholas Morrow says he looks familiar and tries to figure out if they've met before. Jessica eventually gets Jack to herself when Lila has to answer the phone (it's the servants' day off, you see) and tells him to give her a call sometime. They're in the Fowler mansion foyer and there's no pen or paper nearby, so Jess grabs a book of matches, strikes one, blows it out and writes her number on the inside of the cardboard cover with it. It's a small detail but I love it, because Jessica appears to be the MacGyver of hooking up with cute boys.

However, it turns out that Jack is actually a construction worker, which makes Jessica back off for a while, because ew, Jessica Wakefield couldn't possibly be seen with a mere manual labourer. She might get poor on her. You'd think Lila would have a similar attitude, but she reckons there's more to Jack that he's not telling her. Later on, when all the guests have gone home, her suspicions are confirmed when Jack tells her that his father is a very powerful man and was trying to run his life for him, so he left home to see if he could make it on his own. They arrange to meet up the following Friday, as Jack can't go out during the week, what with work and all.

"I'd love to." Lila's smile was as genuine as the diamond pendant hanging around her neck.


Lila promises not to tell anyone Jack's secret, but that night when she's alone in her room with her pale blue princess phone, she simply can't resist confiding in Cara Walker, so naturally the next day at Sweet Valley High, everyone thinks Jack is a runaway prince or something.

At lunch, Lila mentions that Jack is taking her out that Friday night and Jessica is furious, because all it should take is her saying hello to give a dude a permanent boner, so what the hell is up with Jack? By the by, Lila has a "butter and caviar sandwich" with her for lunch because OF COURSE SHE DOES. She also mentions that her father is angry with her for having a party while he was away and all his fancy cufflinks and tie pins have mysteriously gone missing. HMMM. WHO COULD POSSIBLY BE RESPONSIBLE?

During the week, Jack calls Jessica and arranges to meet up with her on Wednesday night, because no-one is impervious to the sight of Jessica Wakefield in a bikini. Elizabeth isn't so sure about Jack though, she has a funny feeling about him and wonders what kind of a guy "would date two girls at one time". Jack and Jessica go for a romantic walk on the beach and Jessica is already convinced that she's in love.

Meanwhile, Elizabeth has taken over editing The Oracle, while Penny Ayala is out sick with mono. A mystery photographer has been taking hilarious candid pictures and leaving them outside the office, so Liz brings them with her when she calls over to Penny's house to discuss the upcoming issue. Penny's little sister Tina answers the door and when Liz introduces herself, Tina replies:

"I know". Tina grinned. "Everyone at Sweet Valley High has heard of you and Jessica."

It's all quite eye-rolly. But then I realised that while the Wakefields would probably be the kind of teenagers that are famous on Instagram and have Tumblr blogs dedicated to them and their perfect hair, they're most likely well-known due to the near-death motorbike crash, the kidnapping incident, the bar fights and the false rape accusations. I assume.

While Penny and Liz discuss the articles for the paper, they mention one that Robin Wilson has written about the flying lessons she's been taking. Penny is impressed with Robin's writing and had no idea that Robin wrote so well. What follows is...odd.

"She used to write all the time" Elizabeth explained, "before she lost all that weight. Remember? When she was the butt of everyone's jokes instead of the girl all the boys want to date?"


Well, it turns out that she was good at writing, as well as cheesecake-eating, but now that she's skinny and hot, she doesn't need no stinkin' creativity! WRITING IS FOR FATTIES.

Jessica hasn't told anyone that she went on a date with Jack and she's been avoiding Lila because she can't bear to hear her going on about Jack like he's all hers. Lila is meeting him that Friday for a date and Jessica is convinced he's going to finish with her, so she's none too pleased when it turns out that they hung out all weekend and are the talk of the school.

Jessica looks like she's about to BATE the head off Lila, possibly using her weirdly massive jawline as a weapon. Lila looks lovely and perfectly stuck-up.

However, Jack calls a few days later and arranges to meet Jessica for another midweek date. Liz asks Jessica if he's explained what's going on with Lila yet, which sends Jess into a huff until they descend into a tickle fight for some reason. The doorbell rings and Jessica is horrified that Todd is calling over to sniff some glue with Liz, no wait, STUDY, I meant study with Liz, because he might find out that Jack is seeing Jessica. It turns out that both boys are waiting outside as they arrived at the same time, so Jessica's secret is out. Jack is all charming and handsome as per usual, but Elizabeth notices that his eyes are red and when she makes a lame French joke, he doesn't get it, despite previously saying that he was fluent in French. VERY SUSPECT.

Jessica's wallet goes missing during the date and Jack convinces her she must have left it at home. He also insists that he and Lila are just friends and promises that he'll make that clear to Lila that weekend. Jessica is satisfied with this so they go make out at Miller's Point, where all the Sweet Valley teenagers go to have sex in their cars.

On Thursday night, Elizabeth is finishing off the issue of The Oracle that she's been working on, and runs into Tina Ayala in the corridor outside. It turns out that Tina is the one who's been taking the great photos and leaving them under the office door, because she didn't think her older sister Penny would take her seriously or some such nonsense. This whole subplot is really just a means for Elizabeth to see a particular photo that Tina took out on the airfield. And it's a photo of Robin Wilson (you know, used to be a big giant fat girl? Ate a lot of ham?) and George Warren (Enid's boyfriend) "locked in a heated embrace!"

Meanwhile, Jack has no intention of breaking up with Lila and they spend their next date drinking wine in the Fowlers' outdoor sculpture garden like a pair of forty year olds.

"Mmm," Jack said, swirling the wine in his glass and savoring its bouquet, "this wine is almost as exquisite as you are. But not quite."

This dude is meant to be like seventeen or eighteen. I'm not buying it. No teenager is that into wine. They should be drinking alcopops and they know it.

Anyway, they say that they love each other and end up getting engaged, but it has to be a secret because Jack doesn't want his father to find out where he is. By the way, Lila doesn't even know this guy's last name.

Elizabeth decides to confront George and Robin about their shenanigans, so she drives out to the airfield on the afternoon that the flying class are getting their pilots licenses. After the ceremony, Elizabeth approaches them and they end up explaining that they've fallen in love and never meant for any of it to happen like this. George says that he's planning on telling Enid that night after bringing her up for a spin in the plane and Robin says she's already ended things with her boyfriend, Allen.

Lila is supposed to be meeting Jack for a special celebration that night, but she's got the flu and has to cancel. So Jack arranges to meet up with Jessica instead and tells her that he's levelled with Lila, prompting Jessica to come into Elizabeth's room to gloat about her victory.

"I mean why would any guy want to spend time with Lila, when he could spend it with me?" She ran her fingers through her hair in an imitation of a femme fatale.

"Ah, yes, my dear, you are so bee-you-tee-ful, they are breaking down the front door just to get a glimpse of you. In fact, you are almost as bee-you-tee-ful as me." Elizabeth mimicked Jessica's femme fatale imitation perfectly.

Then they both collapse into giggles over how beautiful they both are. They're just so relatable.

Jessica and Jack go for pizza and run into Nicholas Morrow and a friend of his called David. Jack gets all weird again when he spots the two of them and scares Jessica a bit with how angry he suddenly becomes. He reels it back in and when they've finished he practically runs out of the place after paying the bill. Jessica stops to say hi to Nicholas on her way out and then agrees to go back to Jack's place with him, thinking she might find out more about him.

Nicholas tells his friend that he thinks he knows Jack from somewhere and eventually they both figure out that he previously went to school with them and got kicked out for robbing a girl he was dating at knifepoint. As in, he robbed her at knifepoint. He wasn't dating her at knifepoint. That would be extremely difficult. YOU LOOK LOVELY! HERE ARE SOME FLOWERS, BITCH!

Nicholas and David drive to the Wakefields' house, hoping that someone there might know where Jessica and Jack are headed to next. On the way there, David explains that Jack's family died in a boating accident and afterwards Jack started doing drugs and making up stories about how rich and powerful his family are and would steal stuff to keep himself well dressed and looking like a rich kid, but would fly off the handle if anyone asked too many questions.

They find Elizabeth and fill her in on what's happening, so they all rush off to find Jessica before it's to late. After checking a bunch of places, Elizabeth calls Lila to find out Jack's address and ends up having to tell her all about how Jessica has also been seeing him and about Jack's lies and violent tendencies. Elizabeth eventually gets the address after some shrieking and a horrified cry or two from Lila.

Meanwhile, Jessica is poking around in Jack's bathroom, looking for some clues about his background, as his apartment isn't giving her anything.

She'd never been in an apartment quite this gloomy before.

I have to wonder if she's ever actually been in an apartment before at all, though. It seems like only poor and/or shady people live in apartments in Sweet Valley. Anyway, she finds a box filled with "all kinds of drugs" (I kinda love how vague that is) under the sink and figures that this must be the reason for Jack's strange behaviour. Instead of making her excuses and leaving, Jessica bursts into the living room, brandishing the box and demanding to know what's going on. She catches Jack rooting through her bag and realises that he took her wallet and stole Mr. Fowler's cufflinks. Jack loses the rag, lunges at Jessica and starts choking her.

Elizabeth, David and Nicholas arrive just in time and break down the door, only by then Jack has a knife and they all end up in a mad tussle. Jessica manages to break free and CHEERLEADER-KICKS THE KNIFE OUT OF JACK'S HAND. It's actually kind of amazing.

And the game was finally up for Sweet Valley's mystery prince.

And he would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those pesky kids.

Notable outfit:
This one is not particularly hilarious, in fact it sounds kinda nice:

Jessica stood in the middle of Elizabeth's cream-coloured bedroom and modeled a slinky, royal blue dress. It fell softly to just below her knees, with a slit up both sides to mid-thigh.

It also sounds a bit slutty, which makes no sense as it's meant to belong to Elizabeth and she usually dresses like a Victorian babysitter. It seems like Jessica is the only one who wears Elizabeth's sexy clothes.

Things I counted:
Number of pages: 150
References to the twins' blue-green eyes: 9
References to the fact that the twins are blonde: 6

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery 2 (Vol. 14)

You guys! We made it! It's the last installment of this rage inducing series! And OH BOY am I looking forward to the palate-cleansing sorbet of Sweet Valley High after this shit sandwich of misogyny, emotional abuse and mind-numbing fuckery. So without further ado, let's crack on with Volume 14!

(Catch up: Vol. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 and 13) Phew!

Now that Kate is confronting Ana and Christian, EL James uses all the words from her bag of word-magnets and ham-fistedly jams them into Ana's reaction:

All the color drains from my face as my blood turns to ice and fear lances through my body.

WELCOME TO METAPHOR CITY. POPULATION: YOU. Kate demands to know what the hell is up with all this contract business and asks Ana what Christian has done to her. Ana tells her it's none of her business and it turns out that the email was in the pocket of a jacket Christian had left on the back of Ana's bedroom door. Ana's response to this is really something, coming from her.

What the hell is she going through my clothes for? It’s usually the other way round.


Christian asks Kate if she has told anyone about the contract, but she hasn't and Ana then reassures Kate that everything is good between them (I...give up) and the contract stuff is in the past.

“Ana has consented to be my wife, Katherine,” he says quietly.

Imagine a 27 year old talking like that. Because that's how old Christian Grey is, by the way. Twenty fucking seven. Actually no, it's his birthday so now he's twenty eight. MUCH BETTER.

Once Kate has been assured that Ana is happy with her terrible relationship, she's delighted for her and everything is fine and that whole chapter-ending cliffhanger is resolved within a page and a half, so it was just another load of pointless tension that went nowhere.

Christian's mother comes into the dining room to get them, because there's a crowd of people waiting to welcome their guest of honour and they all burst into applause when Christian comes into the living room. And everyone is there! All his friends! And by friends I mean employees! i.e. Mac from the boat, a random black guy that was briefly seen in Christian's office in the first book and hasn't made an appearance since then, Ros the assistant and even Dr. Flynn, turning up to his patient's social gatherings like a big weirdo. Oh AND Elena is there. Because she's a friend of the family and we need to manufacture some last minute drama, goddammit!

But first, Gretchen the sexy blonde waitress (who was also in the first book) turns up with a tray of champagne, just in time for Ana to remember that she hates her, "flushing and fluttering her eyelashes at Christian" like the big smelly whore she undoubtedly is. Everyone comes forward to wish Christian a happy birthday, including Elena, who hugs and kisses Christian and asks why he hasn't been returning her calls. He gives her the brush off and says he has an announcement to make to the room.

"This beautiful woman” - he glances down at me - “Miss Anastasia Rose Steele, has consented to be my wife, and I’d like you to be the first to know.”

Again with the consenting. Why can't he talk like a normal fucking person? It's an especially weird choice of words, considering that he couldn't give a tiny twirly fuck about Ana's consent in literally every other situation. Ana looks around the room, which is again filled with applause and notes how jealous all the other women are. Because obviously there's no point in getting engaged if everyone else isn't choked with envy.

Lily (Mia's bitchy friend who is in love with Christian and was kinda mean to Ana previously), who is standing beside Mia, looks crestfallen; Gretchen looks like she’s eaten something nasty and bitter. As I glance anxiously around at the assembled crowd, I catch sight of Elena. Her mouth is open. She’s stunned - horrified even, and I can’t help a small but intense feeling of satisfaction to see her dumbstruck.


Mia then asks to see the ring and Christian says they're going to choose one together, while "glowering" at his sister for asking a perfectly legitimate question.

“When will you get married? Have you set a date?” She beams up at Christian.
He shakes his head, his exasperation palpable. “No idea, and no we haven’t. Ana and I need to discuss all that,” he says irritably.

I know I gave out about Mia being a pretentious headwrecker in the first book, but it seems like Christian is constantly mad at her for no fucking reason. These are the questions that LITERALLY EVERY engaged couple get asked when they make the announcement and he's acting like she's asked whether they've had anal sex yet. (They haven't, by the way.)

Ana and Christian end up chatting with Dr. Flynn and his wife Rhian. Dr. Flynn congratulates Christian on his engagement by saying “That was one googly you bowled there, Christian”, because he's English and sure we all know that Brits can only communicate through the medium of tea and royal babies and cricket references that they know full well Americans wouldn't understand. 

I had no idea Dr. Flynn would be here, or Elena. It’s a shock, and I rack my brains to see if I have anything to ask him, but a birthday party hardly seems the appropriate venue for a psychiatric consult.

Jesus Christ. YA THINK.

While chatting to Rhian, Ana realises that Christian and Dr Flynn are discussing Leila and she just can't help trying to listen in, "rather rudely tuning out Rhian". Well at least this time she knows she's being fucking rude. Anyway, they're talking quietly so she can't make out what they're saying but they stop when the group is joined by Ros and her girlfriend Gwen.

She’s one of the few women I’ve met who isn’t dazzled by him...well, the reason is obvious.


Grace then announces that dinner is being served buffet-style in the kitchen, which seems unlikely for a giant mansion with servants doing the rounds with trays of champagne, but whatever, this book is almost over so let's just power through.

While everyone makes their way towards the food, Mia catches up with Ana and offers her a lemon martini.

I glance up at Christian, who releases me with a best-of-luck-I-find-her-impossible-to-deal-with-too look, and I sneak into the dining room with her.


Mia says she needs some advice, and can't talk to her friend Lily, who is apparently very judgemental (Ana is the best of all the women, you see) and also very jealous of Ana because she fancies Christian and thought she had a shot with him.

This is something I will have to contend with for a long time - other women wanting my man.

Well, that's the price you pay for winning the Woman Hunger Games, Ana. Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown, and all that.

Anyway, Mia's problem is that Ethan doesn't want to date her because his sister (Kate) is going out with Mia's brother (Elliot) and he thinks it's all a bit "incestuous", but Mia knows he likes her. Ana's advice is to give it some time, seeing as Mia has only just met him, which she at least realises is a bit rich coming from her and tells Mia to try talking to Kate, which she runs off to do.

However, as soon as Mia leaves, Elena appears and closes the door, cornering Ana alone in the dining room and suddenly shit gets real. And by real I mean so ridiculously over-dramatic that the Dynasty and Dallas writers would probably have found this conversation a bit much.

“I would offer you my heartfelt congratulations, but I think that would be inappropriate.” Her piercing cold blue eyes stare frostily into mine, filled with loathing.

Oooh, piercing! Cold! Frostily! WHAT A VILLAIN!

“I neither need nor want your congratulations, Elena. I’m surprised and disappointed to see you here.”
She arches an eyebrow. I think she’s impressed.

KA-POW! Such verbal sparring! This goes on for a while, and involves words like "worthy adversary" being carelessly bandied about, Elena asking Ana what she thinks she's doing "consenting to marry Christian" and Ana replying with "what I’m consenting to do with Christian is none of your concern". I don't think I've ever in my life heard anyone refer to getting engaged as "consenting to marry" their other half, and the characters in this book literally can't stop saying it. It's so weird.

In any case, Elena calls Ana a "mousy little gold-digger", at which point Ana throws her drink in Elena's face. It's actually kinda refreshing to hear Ana being described as something other than beautiful and amazing and witty and shrewd. Christian then enters the room, unwittingly knocking Elena off-balance with the door before she can lunge at Ana and pull her hair or whatever, and then proceeds to shout at Elena, when he sees what's going down. They have a big loud argument about their previous creepy relationship when Christian was younger and next thing you know, Grace appears and overhears what her friend got up to with her then-teenaged son. Grace slaps Elena and kicks her out of the house and Ana runs off to Christian's room upstairs while Grace and Christian have a mother-son chat.

After a while, Christian comes looking for Ana and tells her that his and Elena's business relationship is over and then gives out to Ana for drinking without having eaten.

"You need to eat. It’s rule number one. I believe we’ve already had that discussion after our first night together.”
Oh yes. The Heathman.

Oh yes, the time when they didn't really know each other and he said he was going to take her back to her place when she was blind drunk and instead took her to his hotel room, took her pants off and watched her sleep all night like a terrifying fucking psycho. A magical night.

When the last of the guests have left, Christian brings Ana to the boathouse and she gets all giggly on the way there, thinking about the last time he brought her there. The time that he dragged her there over his shoulder while furious at her for resisting him groping at her crotch under the dinner table while his parents were there and she had to plead with him not to spank her. AGAIN. MAGICAL.

This time, however, the boathouse attic is filled with flowers and fairy lights and Christian gets down on one knee so he can re-propose, only this time it's all romantic and what have you and he's got a ring. "Jeez - it's big..." Ana says yes again and tells us that they're "meant to be" and I guess it's meant to be all wonderful and lovely, despite Christian being:

And just when you think it's over and you can throw this book into a fire, BOOM! POINTLESS EPILOGUE! RIGHT IN THE FACE!

A shadowy figure is hiding outside the Grey mansion, blowing smoke rings and drinking "cheap bourbon", so you KNOW he's bad news.

The helicopter had been a rash and bold move. One of the most exhilarating things he'd ever done in his life. But to no avail.

ERMAHGERD, SABOTAGE. The shady new narrator goes on about how Christian underestimated him, just like everyone else always does, but that his chance will come soon and it's all super ominous and mysterious, except it's clearly creepy Jack, Ana's former boss. Who seems to think that attempted murder is a reasonable reaction to him losing his job. When it was his own fault for trying to rape his employees.


So despite the fact that everything could have been wrapped up at the end of this one, there's an entire third book, because this is basically Twilight after all, so there has to be a wedding and a demon-baby or something. A demon-baby that Christian will probably be jealous of and end up insisting on a C-section delivery, because no one is allowed near Ana's vagina but Christian. NO ONE.

It took two years for me to calm down sufficiently before I could even entertain the notion of recapping this one (Fifty Shades Darker, as it's actually called), but I probably will do Fifty Shades Freed at some point. Just not right away.

For now, I'm out.