Thursday, December 03, 2015

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery 3 (Vol. 13)

Unlucky thirteen but not for me because this finally spells the end of the odyssey of poorly written ballsack that has been the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. I've been asked a few times if I'll recap Grey, the latest mutation from the laptop of EL James in which she rehashes the entire first book from Christian's perspective because I suppose we'll need something to burn for warmth after the apocalypse. And the answer to that is I'm sorry but no fucking way and also, why do you hate me? My blood pressure is dicey enough at the best of times, so this is the end of the Tedious Fuckery journey, but fear not, because soon I'll be back to the lovely and non-rage-inducing silliness of Sweet Valley and it's going to be such a massive flipping relief, let me tell you.

So! Let's finish this bitch off once and for all! And thank you for sticking with me. You guys are lovely.

(Catch up: Volumes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 aaaaand 12.)

Christian starts telling Ana all about how he and Elena started banging back when he was fifteen or sixteen or whatever and Ana's reaction the whole way through it is "Do I want to hear this?", which, after three books of obsessing over Elena and desperately wanting Christian to talk to her and tell her stuff, leads me to wonder; "are you fucking kidding me?" The gist is that he was doing work in the back garden of the Lincoln's house, Elena brought him some lemonade, he made some smart remark, she slapped him, kissed him and slapped him again before walking back into the house like nothing happened. He was a tortured, lonely, sexy adolescent with a wheelbarrow full of issues and her predatory banging made him cop on and sort his life out, apparently.

He goes on about how meeting Ana changed everything and how his life before he met her suddenly seemed "dull, empty, mediocre". Which, incidentally, would be a frankly generous review of this entire series.

Their conversation goes on for-fucking-ever and essentially goes in circles, so we have this exchange on one page:

“I fell in love,” he whispers.
I stop breathing. He caresses my cheek.
“So did I,” I murmur with the little breath I have left.
His eyes soften. “I know,” he mouths.
“You do?”
Hallelujah! I smile shyly at him. “Finally,” I whisper.

Followed not two pages later by:

"Your stupid stunt”—he stops—“that saved my sister,” he whispers, his words full of relief, awe, and disbelief. “That’s how I know.”
“Really know that you love me.”
I frown. “You do?”

They are quite literally the most tedious couple that have ever existed. Mrs Jones and Taylor need to orchestrate their escape, pronto. Christian then tells Ana how he tried to go see Dr. Flynn after storming out on her, but he was at a school parents evening. (“Ironic,” I whisper. Christian smirks in agreement. Kill me. Kill me now.) So he ended up walking and walking and before he knew it, he found himself outside Elena's salon, she invited him for a drink and tried to make a pass at him. Christian recoiled from her, she backed off and said she missed his friendship and that she sees his life is with Ana now, so they said goodbye and Christian said he wouldn't see her again. Guys, this whole conversation goes on for about eight and a half pages. It's such a last-ditch attempt at wrapping everything up and yet achieves nothing of the sort.

On Monday morning, Ana wakes "with a start", presumably because Christian isn't beside her and decides she's going to go to work.

It’s Monday, and I spent all of yesterday lounging about in bed. Christian only let me go out briefly to see Ray. Honestly, he’s still such a control freak. I smile fondly. My control freak.

My husband has such a tight leash on me that I'm barely allowed to see my stepfather who almost died recently and is still recuperating in hospital! IT'S SO ADORABLE! Ana gets dressed in something sexy to make Christian want to fuck her, as he's actually listened to the lady doctor's advice and still hasn't had sex with Ana. She heads to the kitchen, where he's eating breakfast and to the surprise of exactly no one, he immediately insists that she's not going to work, as the doctor told her to take a week off.

I slide onto a bar stool beside him and hoist my skirt up a little. Mrs. Jones places a cup of tea in front of me.“You look good,” Christian says. I cross my legs. “Very good. Especially here.” He traces a finger over the bare flesh that shows above my thigh-highs. My pulse quickens as his finger runs across my skin. “This skirt is very short,” he murmurs, vague disapproval in his voice as his eyes follow his finger.
“Is it? I hadn’t noticed."

Mrs Jones holds her hand over the burning ring of the oven hob, just to feel something. Anything. A smile comes to her face as she pictures herself surreptitiously lacing two plates of scrambled eggs with poison. "Enjoy your breakfast, Mr. Grey. Mrs. Grey." Enjoy it, you fucks. No more mornings spent trying not to vomit while you practically dry hump each other on the breakfast bar and act like I'm not even here. No more picking up after you in your sex room, cleaning jizz off carpets and washing your janky vibrators. Turning her attention back to Ana's breakfast, she felt a little better after her murderous daydream. Soon.....soon.

Ahem. Anyway, it turns out that Christian isn't going to work that day, so Ana decides not to either.

“I’m not sure this look is suitable for the workplace,” he murmurs.
“Well, since I’m not going to work, that’s a moot point.”
“Moot,” I mouth.

They go to the site of their new house and see how Elliot is getting on with the work there, and he reckons that they'll be able to move in before Christmas.

Holy cow - Christmas overlooking the Sound. I can’t wait. A bubble of excitement blooms inside me. I have visions of us trimming an enormous tree while a copper-haired little boy looks on in wonder.

You're due in May, you fucking dope.

They have a little wander around the house and go for a picnic in some long grass nearby, apparently out of the sight of the construction crew, and continue to talk shite. Christian has been taking work calls the entire time because there's nothing more romantic than listening to your husband being snappy on the phone to his subordinates while dicking around in a meadow. The last call he takes makes him sit bolt upright and get super serious all of a sudden.

The change in his mood is instant. Gone is my teasing, flirtatious husband, replaced by a cold, calculating master of the universe. He narrows his eyes for a moment then gives me a cool, chilling smile. A shiver runs down my back.

No wait, there's nothing more romantic than being genuinely afraid of your husband and his sudden changes in mood. Oooh.

Apparently Elena's ex-husband is the one who bailed out Jack Hyde when he was in custody, so Christian calls Ros and has her do some things with the shares he owns in Lincoln Timber that mean the ex (who he calls Linc, so is he Linc Lincoln? Who knows! Who cares!) has now been fucked over and bankrupted or something. Years ago, he beat up Elena when he found out that she was fucking Christian and now getting Jack out of jail was the last straw.

“I didn’t mean to frighten you,” he whispers.
“You didn’t,” I lie.
He arches a brow, amused.
“You just took me by surprise,” I whisper, then swallow. Christian is really quite scary sometimes.

Then it's time to fuck, which they do right there in the meadow and I don't care how out of the sight of the crew working on the house they think they are, if there's anyone on the roof then they're getting the whole show. The sex scene goes on for four entire pages and features this immortal line:

My panties disintegrate.

Because Christian can't just move them aside, he has to physically rip through them because he's a passionate and super strong vampire, I mean billionaire.

Christian previously mentioned that he missed doing his (terrible, irresponsible) Dom thing, so a few days later, Ana puts on some sex clothes and kneels by the bedroom door with Christian's sex jeans folded neatly on the floor beside her and (OF COURSE) emails him from the next fucking room WHY OH WHY WON'T YOU JUST TEXT EACH OTHER WHY. He arrives in and sees what Ana wants, puts on his sex pants and leads her to the playroom.



Ana is lying on a blanket outside "The Big House" enjoying the peace and quiet and because this author is the legit fucking worst, we get a flashback to "last night at our home in Escala" and at first I thought it was a flashback to the scene that ended the last chapter but it isn't, it's the previous night at this new later point in time because that's totally fucking necessary. Ana fills us in on how Christian flogged her arse and rode her and then we section break back to Ana on the blanket. Christian is lying beside her and puts his hand on her pregnant belly.

“How’s my daughter?”
“She’s dancing.” I laugh.
“Dancing? Oh yes! Wow. I can feel her.” He grins as Blip Two somersaults inside me.
“I think she likes sex already.”


Then, another goddamn section break has Ana waking up to the sound of her son squealing in delight and playing with Christian and I guess we're still on Ana lying on the blanket day? Who the fuck knows. Their son is called Teddy and Taylor's daughter Sophie is there too, who asks if she can take Teddy for a walk.

“Don’t go too far.”
“No, Mr. Grey.” Sophie’s hazel eyes are wide and serious. I think she’s a little frightened of Christian.

Cool, your husband frightens ten year old girls. Definitely a fucking keeper.

Christian tries to convince Ana to stop working (again) and she brings up the possibility of naming their daughter after his birth mother (whose name was actually Ella, rather than The Crack Whore, as this entire series would have you believe) but that make Christian cross and Ana immediately backs down.

Shit...I don’t want to anger him.

Anyway, won't they have to call her Carlace or Grarla?

In the meantime there's been a whole story arc about Teddy getting a popsicle and dropping it on the ground and being upset about it and I have no idea why all this extraneous bullshit is required oh my god will this nightmare never end. They all head towards the house and there's a mention of Taylor fixing an old motorbike which was the only interesting thing in the last eleven pages of epilogue. Then we hear about Christian reading The Lorax to Teddy at bedtime and HEY ANOTHER FUCKING FLASHBACK ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME EL JAMES.

Ana's in labour and the doctor is saying they need to do a C-section.

“About fucking time!” Christian growls at her.

Nice to see that he's consistent in being a cunt to the healthcare professionals that look after his wife. Ana has her C-section and the only reason we have to endure her going on about the whole thing and how scared Christian looks is literally because Twilight has a delivery scene so this does too. Thankfully Christian manages to stop short of biting off the umbilical cord like he's Brian Blessed and the whole thing is ultimately pointless and serves no purpose in this epilogue. Then we're back to the house and Ana says she was thinking about Teddy's birth.

Christian blanches and cups my belly.
“I am not going through that again. Elective caesarian this time.”
“Christian, I—”
“No, Ana. You nearly fucking died last time. No.”

Oh, YOU can't go through that again, can you Christian? And tell me, how has your C-section scar healed up? Did you get stretch marks? How is your vagina these days? Also, not your fucking choice so shut the hell up. Then Christian sets up a train set for Teddy because it's his birthday the following day and Ana tells us how everyone is coming over for his birthday party and just when I'm starting to wonder if I'm actually in Hell and this epilogue is never actually going to end and I'm trapped here forever, IT FINALLY FUCKING DOES.

Oh, apart from the Author's Note that details a conversation that Christian had with the bank manager to explain away how Ana could withdraw an insane amount of money with no notice, a "Bonus Materials" chapter of "Fifty's First Christmas", written from the infuriating perspective of baby Christian's first Christmas with the Greys AND THEN another fucking chapter which is their first meeting from the first book from Christian's perspective.

To all of which I say...

Thursday, November 26, 2015

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery 3 (Vol. 12)

I'm off work sick today, which to be perfectly honest is the only reason I've managed to crank out this week's post. While at home and coughing like a dying girl in a Victorian BBC drama, because I'm that sound.

(Catch up: Volumes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 and 11.)

The next chapter begins with Ana in the hospital, unable to open her eyes and overhearing Christian talking to a doctor and asking about the baby, who is fine, and Christian is relieved.

He wants the baby. Oh thank God. I relax, and unconsciousness claims me once more, stealing me away from the pain.

And then Ana wakes up and is fully informed of everything that has happened in the intervening time since she passed out.

Of course not! First we have to endure SEVEN FURTHER POINTLESS VIGNETTES in which Ana wakes up and then loses consciousness again, locked in an epic battle against...

As I surface from the fog, consciousness hovers, a seductive siren just out of reach.

The fog closes in.

The fog lifts but I have no sense of time.

Dad! He’s here. I fight the fog...fight... But I spiral down once more into oblivion. No...

The fog surrounds me once more, and I’m dragged down...down. No!

Ooh that lousy fog, with its murderin' sailor ghosts! No wait, different fog. Pity.

While Ana is busy providing us with these not at all annoying snatches of dumb conversations we discover things, such as the fact that Mia is recovering from being roofied, Grace has given out to Christian for being an asshole, Elizabeth is telling the cops everything and then lots of bits with Christian sounding anguished. There's also this exchange between Ana's stepfather Ray and Christian:

“If you don’t take her across your knee, I sure as hell will. What the hell was she thinking?”
“Trust me, Ray, I just might do that.”

My face almost got stuck like this.

And then Detective Clark tries to interview an unconscious woman:

“Detective, as you can see, my wife is in no state to answer any of your questions.”
Christian is angry.
“She’s a headstrong young woman, Mr. Grey.”

Ana finally fucking wakes up properly, putting an end to this nonsense (or you know, this particular bit of nonsense seeing as there is nothing but wall-to-wall nonsense in this never ending book). Christian is there, of course, and Ana needs to pee. She tries to sit up, but she's weak, so Christian tells her to stay still and calls for a nurse while Ana still tries to sit up.

“Will you do as you’re told for once?” he snaps, exasperated.

Cool. She hasn't even been awake for a full minute and he's already exasperated. WHERE OH WHERE IS MY CHRISTIAN GREY, HE'S JUST SO GODDAMN FANICABLE.

The nurse comes in ("She must be in her fifties, though her hair is jet black. She wears overlarge pearl earrings." This bitch just doesn't miss a single opportunity, does she?) and tells Ana that she has a catheter, but Ana's like, ugh gross, I want to get up to pee, so the nurse is going to remove it for her.

"Mr. Grey I am sure Mrs. Grey would like some privacy.” She looks pointedly at Christian, dismissing him.
“I’m not going anywhere.” He glares back at her.

Ana has to literally beg him to leave the room, which he eventually agrees to.

“Fine!” he snaps and runs his hand through his hair. “You have two minutes,” he hisses at the nurse.

Isn't it SEXY how he doesn't even pretend to entertain his wife's wishes? Isn't it SO HOT how he's so aggressively rude to the people who have been looking after said wife in the hospital, who work their fucking asses off and have to do so for ludicrously long hours, while having to deal with entitled, arrogant, ungrateful pricks like Christian Grey? It's all just SO FUCKING SEXY.

Also, fun fact, Christian "hisses" at people (mostly Ana) a total of 20 times in this book, leading me to believe that he's actually a giant snake disguised in a copper coloured wig. Like Chicken Boo, but a cunt.

Christian then barges back in, presumably after counting out the two minutes on his diamond Omega watch through gritted teeth while standing outside the door, and insists on taking Ana to the bathroom, instead of allowing the trained medical professional to do so, who protests the entire time. He lifts Ana up into his arms like the tiny pregnant baby that she is and carries her to the toilet.

“Mrs. Grey, you’re too light,” he mutters disapprovingly as he sets me gently on my feet.

Yeah, you should definitely get on her case about her weight immediately after her being in a fucking coma. He then won't leave the bathroom when Ana asks him to, and tries to make her pee while he stands there, staring at her. He eventually agrees to stand at the open doorway with his back to her, and in real life I imagine the nurse would have called security by now to get this fucking asshole out of her way and away from the woman he's essentially harassing.

The nurse then checks out Ana's blood pressure and asks her how she's feeling. Ana's hungry, and Nurse Nora (surely she's Nurse Dye Job or Nurse Tacky Jewellery or something, no?) says that they'll have to get her doctor's approval before she can eat anything. So naturally, Christian calls Taylor and tells him to bring Ana some chicken soup, because he knows better than some dumb doctor. He even puts it in front of Ana while the doctor is with her, without checking if she can actually eat yet, because Christian is Master of the Universe and some woman doctor isn't going to tell him how to live. When they're alone, he tells Ana that what she did was both brave and stupid, but it must be mostly stupid because he's then really mad at her and tells her that Taylor is mad at her too, because she must not be feeling bad enough about trying to save Mia I suppose.

“I have died a thousand deaths since Thursday.”

Hmm? Oh nothing, just bits of the video for that song from the soundtrack of that other completely unrelated and not-really-that-similar series which this one certainly hasn't unashamedly ripped off.

Anyway, it turns out that Christian was able to find Ana and step in to rescue her in time (although it was probably Taylor doing all the rescuing and beating up the bad guys, let's be honest here) because she had borrowed the bank manager's phone, which was the one Elizabeth threw in the bin, while Ana's one was stashed with the bags of money, because it's really a good thing that Christian tracks Ana's whereabouts through her phone. When it's night and time for Ana to sleep, she gets Christian to climb into the hospital bed with her so they can sleep together and I can't imagine how fucking awkward and uncomfortable that would actually be, not least because Ana's hooked up to a goddamn IV, but I suppose their love heals all neck cricks and stabbing pains in your back from sleeping at a weird angle all night.

Christian is gone the next morning and Carrick comes to visit Ana to check on her and remind her that everyone is mad at her for saving Mia. Man, these guys must really hate Mia. Christian comes back, bringing Ana's breakfast with him and they talk about the fact that Ana's pregnant. Ana suggests that Blip might be a girl, so of course Christian has to have a weird fucking reaction.

 “Two women, eh?”
Alarm flashes across his face, and his dark look vanishes. Oh crap.
“Do you have a preference?”
“Boy or girl.”
He frowns. “Healthy will do,” he says quietly clearly disconcerted by the question.

Presuming he's disconcerted at the thought of a daughter because he'd need extra security if he's got another female subject to control and manipulate. And also a tower to build and a dragon-guard to hire. Christian changes the subject and reads the paper to Ana while she has breakfast. Detective Clark then comes a-knockin' for Ana's statement and Christian is so overly and unnecessarily hostile to him that any other cop would start to think this dude has something to hide.

“Mr. Grey, Mrs. Grey. Am I interrupting?” 
“Yes,” snaps Christian. 

“My wife should be resting.” Christian bristles. 

And it's certainly not the fact that he's a huge asshole, anyway.

When Ana is done recounting what happened with Jack, she's cleared to go home, but not before Christian privately chats to her doctor about whether or not he can fuck his wife for the next while, because remember, Christian's boner is the most important thing in the world. (They actually can't have sex for a while though.) They go to visit Ray on the way home, who picks up the Everyone Is Mad At Ana parade until they tearfully hug. In the car on the way to Escala, Christian tells Ana that his investigator guy Welch has found out something about Jack Hyde and is coming in from Detroit to tell him. Not that he just volunteered that information of course, first Ana had to ask what was wrong because he looked nervous. He'd actually never tell her anything if it wasn't for her constant, and as it turns out, quite necessary wheedling.

When they get home, Ana is suddenly overcome by everything that happened and breaks down in tears. Christian sits her down and she apologises between sobs "for everything. For making you worry, for risking everything - for the things I said." Christian then comes out with:

“I’m sorry. It takes two to tango, Ana.” 

Yeah and it only takes one inconsiderate wankstain to berate and storm out on his newly pregnant wife before completely avoiding her for two days. Dick. They take a shower together and Ana continues to cry and then has the worst possible epiphany.

And in that moment it occurs to me; any explanations on his part have to come from him. I can’t force him—he’s got to want to tell me. I won’t be cast as the nagging wife, constantly trying to wheedle information out of her husband. It’s just exhausting. I know he loves me. I know he loves me more than he’s ever loved anyone, and for now, that’s enough. 

Nope. Nooooope nope nope nope. This is a terrible idea and what did I literally JUST SAY about how her wheedling is actually necessary in this relationship? IS THIS THING ON?

Anyway, Christian then proceeds to wash Ana and his "anger is palpable" as his fingers skate over the big purple bruise on her hip, because he's the only one allowed to bruise his wife, you see.

 “I want to kill him. I nearly did,” he whispers cryptically. 

Yeah fucking right, Christian, we both know that Taylor was probably the one who did the actual ass kicking during that confrontation and is also someone who wouldn't put bruises all over his wife's tits so go fuck yourself. Afterwards, Ana wonders why Elizabeth went along with Jack's plan and Christian says he knows why, and swiftly tries to change the subject yet again, which Ana ignores and gives him her "tell-me-more expression" because WHEEDLING IS INTEGRAL IF SHE'S GOING KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON. Christian eventually tells her that Jack had videos of himself having sex with Elizabeth and all his PAs, which was somehow blackmail material? I don't see how that's the case, particularly if those women were coerced into it, so how does proof of their possibly being raped work as blackmail against them? Then again, we've pretty much given up on anyone's motivations making any sense at this stage of the game. Also, since coming home, Christian has gone out of his way to turn Ana on and then tell her no when she responds and it's all just so fucking unnecessary and stupid and typically controlling of him. I hope his dick falls off.

Ana take a nap and when she wakes up, Welch has just left and it turns out that Christian and Jack lived together for a few months after his mother died. They were with the same foster family for around two months before the Greys adopted Christian, but he doesn't remember any of it. Ana convinces him to call his parents as they'll be able to fill in the blanks for him, so they call over that evening with Mia in tow, who has also invited Kate, Ethan and Elliot and decided to make it a welcome home party for Ana with no fucking notice in a house that isn't hers. This is the kind of shit that makes your family wish that you hadn't been rescued from a hostage situation, Mia. Continuing in that vein, it's then Kate's turn to be mad at Ana. She then tells Ana that they've set a date for their wedding and it'll be May the following year, but Ana's like "uh oh, that's when I'm due, oops it's going to have to be all about me I guess" but doesn't tell Kate that she's knocked up.

When everyone has gone home, Christian tells Ana that some of the memories from that time are coming back to him and figures that Jack is trying to murder him and ruin his life because the Greys should have adopted him instead or something. It makes, like, no sense. When they're getting into bed, Christian then starts to tell Ana a "bedtime story", which is about sixteen year old Christan working in the back garden of the Lincoln's house and END CHAPTER BECAUSE HALF ASSED CLIFFHANGER.

Nearly there. So very nearly there.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery 3 (Vol. 11)

I actually didn't think I was going to get this one written in time this week, but here we are! I'm not even pretending like I can give any preamble to these anymore though, as at this point I'm just trying to get to the end of this endurance test and move the fuck on to some sweet sweet Sweet Valley. Let's go!

(Catch up: Volumes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10.)

Ana is freaking out over the text from Elena, sinking into a chair and weeping and rocking back and forth, but then again that's probably how she'd react to running out of her precious Twinings teabags, because normal human reactions are unequivocally Not Her Thing.

His wrath and fear, his need to lash out at me I can understand, and forgive - just. But this...this treachery is too much.

Mmm hmm. Sounds healthy.

Ana then hatches a plan, which is just her forwarding the text to her Blackberry and then forwarding it on again, to Christian's phone (which is where the text already is) with her own text asking if he wants Mrs. Lincoln to join them when they eventually discuss the aforementioned text. It's as pointlessly convoluted and fucking stupid as this entire series. Anyway, in the process of her ingenious scheme, Ana sees that Christian's wallpaper on his phone is a collage of photos of her, "a patchwork of tiny Anastasias in various poses", like a total psychopath, and she finds an email from Barney the investigator guy, detailing a bunch of stuff found on Jack's computer and mentioning that a woman rented the car that chased them a while back, or something. It serves absolutely no purpose, so of course we get the entire email and list in full, before getting back to Ana's fiendishly clever plan. She then locks herself into the playroom and sleeps there for the night, waking up in the morning to the sound of Christian banging on the door and freaking out because oh no, she wasn't there when he woke up and this is the worst punishment these idiots can bestow upon each other apparently.

Ana emerges and pointedly ignores Christian when he follows her to the bathroom asking her where she was. Because the locked room with a bed in it couldn't possibly be the answer I guess. She locks the door of the bathroom and takes a shower and Christian is still waiting outside when she's done.

His expression is wary, that of a hunted predator.

Jesus fucking Christ, do words just not mean anything anymore? AM I LOSING MY MIND? Christian tries to talk to Ana while she gets dressed, but she cuts him off every time and bizarrely and quite intentionally puts on something of a show in the process, dropping her towel, "shimmying" into her La Perla knickers and bending over to dry her hair, which is a really weird way to be mad at someone. Christian actually has the nerve to ask her why she was snooping on him, which is fucking rich coming from someone who literally has Ana's birth cert and bank account numbers in a folder from BEFORE THEY EVEN GOT TOGETHER. WIND YOUR FUCKING NECK IN, GREY. Ana tells Christian that him running off to Elena really hurt her and that he needs to cop the fuck on and then starts talking like she's in the Bible for some reason.

"You may not be happy about this baby. I’m not ecstatic, given the timing and your less-than-lukewarm reception to this new life, this flesh of your flesh."

Right. She also tells him that when she gets home from work she's going to move her stuff into the spare bedroom and then Christian threatens marital rape, because he's such a FUCKING DREAMBOAT.

He swallows and takes a step forward. I step back and hold my hands up.
“Don’t even think about it, Grey,” I whisper menacingly.
“You’re my wife,” he says softly, threateningly.

“I’m the pregnant woman you abandoned yesterday, and if you touch me I will scream the place down.”
His eyebrows rise in disbelief. “You’d scream?”
“Bloody murder.” I narrow my eyes.
“No one would hear you,” he murmurs, his gaze intense, and briefly I’m reminded of our morning in Aspen.

Really? Because I'm reminded of a terrifying serial killer, the tagline for the classic sci-fi horror Alien and the fact that you need to RUN THE FUCK AWAY.

They continue to argue and get precisely nowhere, so Ana heads for the office, while talking to "Little Blip" and saying things like "Let's go kick ass at work", which is ridiculous because all Ana seems to do all day at her job is cancel appointments and fight with her husband. When she gets home that evening, Christian is working late and not home by the time she goes to bed. Then the next morning he's gone before she wakes up and I pretty much spent this entire chapter just shouting "FUCKING BAIL, DUDE!" Christian sends Ana a terse email saying that he's flying to Portland that day and doesn't even allude to sex or change his email signature so things are obviously going terribly for these two fucknuts. Ana then gets a call from Mia, but when she answers, it's Jack Hyde on the phone. Quick! We need some manufactured drama to drown out any opportunity for this truly awful couple to meaningfully resolve anything about their monumentally horrible relationship!

Jack tells Ana that she and Christian fucked up his life and now they're going to pay. Jack wants "his fucking money" and is demanding five million dollars, giving Ana two hours to get her hands on the money and make the drop. (Really? Dude's a billionaire Jack, go big or go home.) And if she calls the cops or tells Christian or the security team, he'll somehow just know and then Mia is dead. Ana runs out of the office, tells Hannah to cancel her appointments (yet again) and gets Sawyer to drive her home, telling him she's not feeling well. She then has to orchestrate an escape from the apartment and her security detail because Ana lives in an actual prison. A shiny and sleek and expensive prison, but a prison nonetheless. Before doing that, she finds the gun that Christian still has left in a desk drawer like a fucking dope and takes it with her.

He knows nothing about guns. Jeez, he could get hurt.

Jeez, ya think? Maybe you should leave more guns around the place actually, do us all a favour. She also grabs a duffle bag and Christian's gym bag, because two hand held bags are definitely enough to transport five million dollars in cash. She drives to the bank after manufacturing a distraction for Sawyer and making a dash to the lift to get out of Escala unaccompanied and with the chequebook for a joint account in her and Christian's name.

“May I help you, ma’am?” The young woman gives me a bright, insincere smile, and for a moment I regret changing into jeans.
“I’d like to withdraw a large sum of money.”
Ms. Insincere Smile arches an even more insincere eyebrow.

Even under pressure like trying to withdraw ransom money on a tight deadline to avoid her sister-in-law getting murdered, Ana still finds the time to be a cunt to other women and bestow her patronising nicknames upon them. It'd almost be impressive if it didn't make me want to fling her into the sun. Once Ana clarifies to the lowly information desk clerk that she is, in fact MRS. CHRISTAN GREY, she stares at her in "disbelief and awe" and immediately becomes pleasant and helpful (because all these tertiary bitches are mean to poor little Ana until rightfully put in their place) and brings a manager to her.

Ana informs him of her intention to withdraw five million dollars and he's like "we normally ask for notice for large amounts of money, but sure! Why not!" and accepts her fucking credit card as proof of ID because her driver's licence still has her old name on it. This bank is ridiculous and everything that happens in it is total nonsense. Oh, and Ana has a gun jammed down the back of her jeans while all this is going on. The entire transaction is painfully stupid, so I'll just skip to the part where the manager calls Christian and Ana acts like he's after ratting her out or something, despite the fact that she's asking for actual millions from a joint account with zero notice and acting all squirrelly about it to boot. Christian thinks she's leaving him and Ana has to lie and say that she is, because she thinks if he gets involved then Mia will end up dead.

“But why the cash? Was it always the money?” His tortured voice is barely audible.
No! Tears roll down my face. “No,” I whisper.
“Is five million enough?”
Oh please, stop!
“And the baby?” His voice is a breathless echo.

How can someone's voice be an echo when they're not even repeating anything that's already been said, and not actually an echo at all? Hmm? I see that 'words not meaning anything' is becoming a recurring theme here in Fifty Shades of Phoning It In. Manager Guy then comes back in and tells Ana that it'll be about half an hour to get the money ready in this alternate dimension where this is all totally plausible.

A few moments, minutes, hours later - don’t know - Miss Insincere Smile reenters with a carafe of water and a glass.
“Mrs. Grey,” she says softly as she places the glass on the desk and fills it.
“Thank you.” I take the glass and drink gratefully.

But not gratefully enough to stop calling her names, I see.

When the money is ready and Ana is about to leave, she suddenly sees Sawyer waiting at the entrance to the bank, so she tells manager guy that there's someone following her. He asks if he should call the police and she says no and then asks if she can use a back exit of the bank. This lady in his bank is visibly distressed, has been bawling her eyes out for the last half an hour and now has someone following her, all while withdrawing millions in cash. In real life, the cops are already there. Anyway, she calls Jack on Mia's phone and there's an SUV with blacked out windows waiting out the back for her. The manager has two clerks help with the bags and there are two security guards with them too, who all stand by and wave her off as she climbs into this hilariously suspect vehicle with her massive amounts of money.

The driver’s door swings open, and a woman clad in black with a black cap pulled low over her face climbs gracefully out of the car. Elizabeth!

Who? I actually had no idea who this was supposed to be, but it turns out it's the head of personnel at Ana's office or something. She was in the last book I think? Christ, who even cares at this stage. Elizabeth throws Ana's phone into a bin so they can't be traced and they set off to meet Jack. Ana deduces that Jack must have something on Elizabeth for her to go along with this plan. They come to some dilapidated old buildings and meet Jack, who keeps calling Ana "bitch" and then smacks her across the face, knocking her onto the ground.

I scream a silent cry of suffering and shocked terror.


Jack kicks Ana in the ribs, Ana grabs the gun out of her arse, shoots him in the leg and passes out. But not before hearing cars screeching and doors opening and "Christian’s voice...Christian’s agonized voice" before the darkness closes in. Oh GREAT.

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery 3 (Vol. 10)

Look at this! Two posts in one week! Ka-blammo!

And now, back to this drawn-out pile of bollocks.

(Catch up: Volumes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9.)

Ray has woken from his coma and Ana has reverted to being a toddler. "He’s back. My daddy is back." She proceeds to call him Daddy for the rest of their interactions, even though up until this point she only ever called him Ray, and while I know some women might still call their fathers Daddy even in their twenties, it's Ana so it's really fucking annoying. She goes out to the waiting room to tell Christian, who, after asking how he is, immediately comes out with:

"Now that he’s awake, I want to get him moved to Seattle. Then we can go home, and my mom can keep an eye on him."

Like...what? Pretty sure it's not actually your call there, Chrissypants. The man is literally just out of a coma and he's like "Right! Let's get the fuck out of here and move this severely injured man completely unnecessarily and away from his doctors!" Ana at least recognises that this might be a bit much.

“I’m not sure he’s well enough to be moved.”
“I’ll talk to Dr. Sluder. Get her opinion.”
“You miss home?”

Oh ok cool, let's make it all about you then. Also, I suppose Ray doesn't actually get a say in this then, no? I'd also just like everyone to bear in mind that Christian Grey is 28 years old. For a handy equivalent, he's the same age as Zac Efron. Imagine some lad the same age as Zac Efron bossing you around, telling your da what's best for him and deciding he knows better than a bunch of doctors? Get the fuck out of here, High School Musical.

They head back to the hotel in Ana's new birthday car and as she hands the keys to the valet, notes how "He’s eyeing my car with lust, and I don’t blame him." Oh, to be Anastasia Grey. Women want to fuck her husband and men want to fuck her car. They get into the room, order in some dinner, accompanied by Dido "warbling on about white flags". Then there's some of their trademark excruciating flirty banter, followed by banging. Christian ties Ana up with the belt of one of the hotel dressing gowns and changes the track on his iPod to Sweet About Me by Gabriella Cilmi. Or, if you're EL James:

A sweet, almost childlike female voice starts to sing about watching me.

The sweet voice sings that there’s nothing sweet about her.

The next morning, they go back to see Ray in the hospital and he wants coffee and donuts, so Ana heads out to get him some, stopping to tell Christian, who's alone in the waiting room talking on his phone. He tells Ana to take Taylor with her when she leaves, so Ana rolls her eyes.

“There’s no one here.” His voice is deliciously low, and I know he’s threatening to spank me. I am about to dare him, when a young couple enters the room.
She is weeping softly.
I shrug apologetically at Christian, and he nods.

GAWD, can't these gross normal non-millionaire people take their potential family bereavement somewhere else so Christian can fuck Ana over a hospital waiting room chair? So RUDE.

Later that day, the detective working on Jack Hyde's case arrives because he wants to interview Ana about Jack and for some reason has come all the way to Portland to do so. He tries to talk to Ana alone, but of course Christian isn't having it. He tells her that Jack has been saying that it was actually Ana who was sexually harassing him, rather than the other way around. Ana tells Detective Clark exactly what happened and how she took Hyde down when he cornered her. Clark mentions that all the PAs who previously worked for him won't say anything bad about him and Christian mentions that his security chief had the same issue when he interviewed all five women.

“And why’s that?”
Christian gives him a steely glare. “Because my wife worked for him, and I run security checks on anyone my wife works with.”
Detective Clark flushes. I shrug apologetically at him with a welcome-to-my-world smile. 

Your world fucking sucks.

Anyway, as far as I can tell, the whole point of this exchange and Clark coming all the way to Portland for this useless interview is so we can notice that Clark asks whether Christian has had any further thoughts about "the note" and Ana's like "Huh? Note?" because of course Christian is still keeping important information from her. And that's pretty much the only reason that the last four pages happened.

The next day, everyone is back in Seattle, including Ray. The literal day after he woke up from a coma, they shoved him onto a helicopter and horsed him into a rehabilitation centre in another city. Where he doesn't even live. Because Christian Grey. While Ana is leaving Ray's room, she bumps into Dr. Greene, who rushes over to ask Ana why she cancelled her last four appointments. Ana suddenly realises that she's missed her birth control injection each time and SURPRISE! SHE'S PREGNANT. THANK FUCK FINALLY.

Dr. Greene does an ultrasound and ascertains that Ana is four or five weeks pregnant. Her patient is visibly shaken at this news and has just told her that she's shocked and Greene says:

“Looks like the shot ran out early. Oh well, that happens sometimes.”


She points out a "tiny blip" on the screen which means that we have to endure Ana referring to the foetus as Little Blip from now on. She heads back to the car and while Taylor drives her to the office, freaks out thinking about how badly Christian is going to react and how it's too soon for this to happen.

Perhaps I...perhaps I should end this. I halt my thoughts on that dark path, alarmed at the direction they’re taking. Instinctively my hand sweeps down to rest protectively over my belly. No. My little Blip.

"Dark path." "Alarmed." "Instinctively." "Protectively."

I see what you're doing, EL James. I see you. And fuck you.

Ana falls asleep in the car on the way because she's a narcoleptic toddler and has a dream about her stupid baby which then turns into a nightmare with Christian walking away from her in disgust. She gets back to the office and is all snippy with her assistant Hannah because it's apparently her fault that Ana's a fucking idiot. She's mad at her for cancelling appointments when she asked her to and for not assuming responsibilty for her boss's contraceptive choices, I guess. Anyway, Ana continues to quietly panic about telling Christian for the rest of the day.

When will I tell him? Tonight? Maybe after sex? Maybe during sex. No, that might be dangerous for both of us.

Dangerous for both of us. Nothing says romance like the threat of bodily harm or murder.

Christian collects Ana from work and is cross at her for not having eaten that day.

He shakes his head in frustration. “Do you want me to add ‘feed my wife’ to the security detail’s list of duties?”

Do you want to go fuck yourself?

Ana tells Christian over dinner that she's pregnant and he:
  • Bangs his fist on the table and shouts at her
  • Calls her stupid
  • Accuses her of getting knocked up on purpose
  • Shouts at her some more when she starts crying
  • Shouts even louder when she says he'll be a good father
  • Storms out and slams the door

Ana falls asleep in the library and Christian isn't home yet when she wakes up, so she sleeps on the couch in order to be there when he gets in. Christian eventually falls in the door absolutely hammered and Ana has to put him to bed. On the way there he suggests that they bone, she tells him he needs to sleep and he starts sulking and going on about how "it begins", and he's heard that "babies means no sex". Because why wouldn't she want to ride you after you screamed at her, disappeared for hours and came back gee-eyed? You fucking gremlin.

He runs his hands up and down my hips then jerks me forward, pressing his mouth against my belly.
“And we have an invader in here.” I stop breathing. Holy cow. He’s talking to Little Blip. “You’re going to keep me awake, aren’t you?” he says to my belly.

I swear to god, I was half expecting him to punch Ana in the stomach at this point. He goes on to whinge about how she's going to "choose him over me" because he's literally and actually jealous of a foetus right now. He eventually goes to sleep and when Ana picks his clothes up off the floor, his phone falls out of a pocket, revealing a text from Elena, saying it was good to see him and that he'll make a wonderful father, which explains where he's been all night. Fuck me, does anyone even care at this point? BECAUSE I SURE DON'T.

Monday, November 09, 2015

I Spy With My Little Eye

It's Brief Exchange time again! This is the exhibition that my lovely friend Noeleen has organised over the past few years, and entails a bunch of designer types each writing a brief for a poster, which then all get switched around and assigned at random. This year, the brief I got was short, sweet, and left me wondering how the hell I was going to do it.

I spy with my little eye...

So I thought, "Alright then! Spies it is!" While trying to figure out where to go from there, the Bear was helpfully suggesting subjects like Edward Snowden or the Cambridge Spy Ring, which led to me declaring "I don't care about dudes! It's going to be about LADY SPIES!" Having decided that much, (who am I kidding, of course it was going to be about lady spies. The lads always get the epic historical biopics and tales of derring-do.) I then remembered reading an incredible obituary a few years ago, of a woman who was known as The White Mouse during the Second World War, and set about reading up as much as I could about her. Because historical bad girls are my jam. (That, and strawberry.)

Her name was Nancy Wake and she was not to be fucked with.

Born in New Zealand, married to a French dude and with a reputation for being a party girl, Nancy wasted no time getting stuck in when Germany kicked off, working as a nurse and driving an ambulance during the invasion of Belgium. When France had fallen, she worked as a courier for the Resistance, set up a safehouse and smuggled hundreds of Allied airmen across the Pyrenees to Spain, so the Nazis couldn't get their hands on them. When she got word that the Gestapo were closing in on her she escaped across the mountains, but not before a failed attempt that involved her jumping from a moving train with German bullets whizzing past her as she legged it through a vineyard. By then, she was the top of the Gestapo's Most Wanted list, with a five million franc bounty on her head and cool nickname to boot. The White Mouse, because she always managed to escape the Nazi's traps for her. She reached London and was trained by the Special Operations Executive (which was excellently nicknamed the Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare) in espionage, combat and guerilla tactics.

Nancy was then parachuted into occupied France as a field agent, led and organised local resistance groups and co-ordinated successful attacks on German bases. When she landed, her parachute became tangled in a tree and the resistance agent that was meeting her made some sleazebag remark about how he wished that all trees "bore such beautiful fruit", to which she replied "Don't give me that French shit." You could say that she was exactly my kind of broad. Apparently she went nowhere without her Chanel lipstick and made a point of looking good during the war, so she wouldn't look like a hunted woman. Her brazen confidence had her winking at German checkpoint guards while she'd saunter past, flirting her way out of danger, but she's also a woman who killed a Nazi guard with her bare hands before he could raise the alarm during one of her raids. She was quoted after the war as saying; "In my opinion, the only good German was a dead German, and the deader, the better. I killed a lot of Germans, and I am only sorry I didn't kill more." She was basically a real life Agent Carter, but more murdery.

Click to enlarge.

So, armed with amazing details like all of that, I went about putting my image together, which involved an afternoon spent carefully drawing the outlines of WWII machine guns, Enfield revolvers, Sten guns and grenades, because, seriously, you didn't mess with Nancy. I decided to make the shape of a mouse, illustrated using bits and pieces from her frankly astounding time spent fucking things up for the Gestapo, as well as stuff she liked, such as her drink of choice (double gin and tonic), cigars and heels, as well as her many service medals. The mouse's tail is Morse code, repeating the text underneath and the silhouette in the second A of her name is actually based on a shot of Peggy Carter, as it sort of seemed apt. There was TV movie based on her life made in 1987, which she hated, because it depicted her making breakfast for the lads and having an affair with a soldier. “For goodness sake, did the allies parachute me into France to fry eggs and bacon for the men? There wasn’t an egg to be had for love nor money, and even if there had been, why would I be frying it when I had men to do that sort of thing?” Top notch saltiness.

The whole exhibition is online on the Brief Exchange site and there's a heap of brilliant design going on over there, so do check it out!

Thursday, November 05, 2015

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery 3 (Vol. 9)

It's another late-ish one this week, as I seem to have lost track of the usual passage of time and have ended up being mad busy with stuff and also things. As well as all that, I've now caught up on myself as all along I'd managed to get these Fifty Shades posts written a little in advance so I wasn't under pressure to get one out every week so let's see how THAT pans out for the next few installments!

(Catch up: Volumes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 and 8.)

Ana rushes out of the office, but not before describing her assistant Hannah as "pale" and "pinched" because there's always time to remind us that Ana is beautiful and all other women are garbage, even in the midst of a family emergency. She tells Sawyer that she needs to get to the hospital in Portland immediately because her dad has been in an accident and calls Christian on the way, to let him know. He's got some super important meeting that he can't cancel, but he'll follow her there as soon as he can.

“I have a meeting with some guys over from Taiwan. I can’t blow them off. It’s a deal we’ve been hammering out for months.”
Why do I know nothing about this?

Because Christian doesn't tell you anything, ever.

Ana and Sawyer arrive at the hospital and Ana gets directions from an "officious nurse with a myopic stare" (EL James has such a cromulent command of the English language).

“My father, Raymond Steele. He’s just been admitted. He’s in OR-4, I think.”
Even as I say the words, I am willing them not to be true.
“Let me check, Miss Steele.”
I nod, not bothering to correct her as she gazes intently at her computer screen.


"The waiting room’s there.” She points toward a large white door helpfully labeled WAITING ROOM in bold blue lettering.

That's right, fill that word count out Erica. You've definitely earned that net worth of $60 million.

José and his dad are in said waiting room, and José fills Ana in on what happened. The three of them were on a fishing trip in Astoria and their car was hit by a drunk driver. José has bruised ribs, his dad has a broken wrist and ankle and Ray's in surgery because the car hit the side he was on. Ana starts shaking, so José puts his jacket around her and Sawyer gets her some tea. Ana's main focus for the rest of the time sitting there is on her tea, until Christian arrives.

Sawyer reenters, bearing a paper cup of hot water and a separate teabag. He knows how I take my tea! (Hot water and a teabag, how revolutionary!)

I slowly sip my tea. It’s not Twinings, but some cheap nasty brand, and it tastes disgusting.

I glance at my watch: 2:15 p.m. He should be here soon. My tea is cold... Ugh!

I love a good cup of tea, but oh my god, shut the fuck up, Ana. Eventually, the door swings open and it's everyone's favourite buzzkill.

Christian strides in. His face darkens momentarily when he notices my hand in José’s.

Seriously dude. SERIOUSLY.

Christian sits with them, and is filled in on events so far, while "eyeing José’s jacket" and then a doctor arrives in with news. He asks Ana if she's Ray's next of kin, she tells him she's Ray's daughter and then this happens:

“Miss Steele—”
“Mrs. Grey,” Christian interrupts him.


Once Christian stops swinging his dick around the room and stapling MRS. CHRISTIAN GREY labels all over Ana, the doctor tells them that Ray had severe internal injuries and swelling in his brain so he's in an induced coma for now and is stable but still critical. Ana can go to see him in half an hour, so José and José Sr. head home for a rest and will come back later. Ana and Christian go to see Ray, who is being attended by a blonde nurse called Kellie.

I glance up in time to see her gape. She’s finally gotten a good look at my husband. I don’t care. She can gape at Christian all she likes as long as she makes my father well again.

I'm actually running out of things to say about this whole series to be honest. There's only so many ways to say FUCK THIS ENTIRE STUPID THING AND EVERY FUCKNUGGET IN IT.

ANYWAY. Christian takes a call outside and Ana prattles on to a comatose Ray about the weekend in Aspen and going sailing and their plans for the house and oh my god, imagine being trapped in a coma and having to listen to Ana babble incessantly at you. Just pull the plug on him guys, it's the kindest thing to do.

Ana and Christian go to the Heathman hotel to rest for a bit and are staying in the same suite where Christian took her when Ana was drunk and unconscious and he kidnapped her from a night out with her friends in the first book. It was super cool of him. Christian asks Ana what she wants to do and she realises that he's "rudderless" and doesn't know what to do because for once he can't "manipulate and predict" the situation.

“A bath. I’d like a bath.” I murmur, aware that keeping him busy will make him feel better, useful even.

Cool how Ana has to worry about her man-baby husband's inability to deal with not being the centre of her attention as well as her father potentially dying. They take a bath together and then head back to the hospital, where they meet José on his way out from seeing Ray. José and Ana hug and say goodbye and Ana congratulates Christian "for not frothing at the mouth", because they're such a super well-adjusted couple.

It turns out that Christian's mother, Grace is in the room with Ray and she knows the doctor who's looking after him and assures Ana that she's an expert in her field. Ana and Christian go back to the hotel, get into bed and Christian tells Ana to get some sleep, thus ending the chapter. Ana wakes up the next morning (beginning the next chapter, in accordance with The EL James Centre For Writing Books Good) and remembers with a start why she's in a hotel room.

“Shit! Daddy!” I gasp out loud, recalling with a gut-wrenching surge of apprehension that twists my heart and starts it pounding why I’m in Portland.

That is probably the most unwieldy goddamn thing I've ever seen. I had to read it three times before it made any sense. It's Ana's 22nd birthday today, so after asking “I want to wish you happy birthday.
Is that okay?”
(this is the man who basically doesn't take no for an answer when it comes to sex, but for this he asks permission) Christian gives her a little gift wrapped box with a charm bracelet in it. Ana tells us all about each charm and how they all relate to their honeymoon, the helicopter and Christian's precious feelings (i.e. a key “To my heart and soul” and so on). There's even a letter C charm, because god forbid Ana would have her own initial on it. In fact there's nothing relating to Ana's personality on the bracelet, and to be fair, I suppose you'd be hard pressed to mine that bitch for ten charms.

The last time I was here I was single, and now I’m married at twenty-two! I’m getting old.

Christian has also gotten Ana a white Audi R8, because money CAN buy you love, and they go to the hospital to see Ray. They wait around while Ray is having a CT scan done and Christian talks to his father on the phone about the drunk driver, saying things like "I want you to throw the fucking book at him, Dad", despite the fact that they're in a completely different state to the one where Carrick practices law, and as other bloggers have pointed out, he has absolutely no business getting involved, as he's not the District Attorney for the area. Which would be Clatsop County, where Astoria is. And the DA is this guy:

His name is Joshua Marquis and look how much he loves Astoria! Can't get enough of the place.

Doing more research into the things that happen in this book than EL James has done continues to be a theme in this series of recaps.

ANYWAAAAY, Ana then realises that maybe she should call her mother to let her know about Ray and wonders why she hasn't already gotten in touch to wish Ana happy birthday, but there's no answer when Ana rings. It turns out that the swelling has gone down in Ray's brain and he'll be taken out of the coma the following day, so he's healing up at a spectacular rate, almost as if the writer of this story has just given up on reality altogether. Then a bunch of exceedingly boring scenes happen, in which they go for a drive in Ana's new car, have lunch and end up back seeing Ray in the evening, until Christian decides it's time to go.

“I want to feed you. Come. It’s late.” Christian sounds insistent.

He also sounds like a grumpy zookeeper.

They go back to the hotel, change clothes and head down in the lift, to have dinner.

The two women inside shoot admiring glances at him and less generous ones at me. I hide my smile. Yes, ladies, he’s mine.


They walk into a dining room and it's a surprise party for Ana, her mother is there with her husband Bob, along with the Josés, Kate, Elliot and all the assorted Greys. It's a dinner party and nothing really happens, the next morning they all have breakfast together and Ana opens her presents because none of these idiots knows how a birthday party works. Ana and Christian go back to the hospital and Ray wakes up. Ta daah.

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery 3 (Vol. 8)

It's Thursday already! Four days weeks really are the way forward. Although it also means I mostly have no idea what day it is, which is why this one is coming a bit late in the week. Anyway. Let's gooooo!

(Catch up: Volumes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7.)

Ana wakes up the next morning feeling fuzzy and hungover, and thinks how amazed she is that Christian let her drink so much. Super. It's literally the first line of this recap and I'm already doing a search for "exasperated gif". Christian wakes up, immediately asks Ana what's wrong (because she woke him up when she moved a bit) and then talks about how much he likes taking care of her and looks pleased about it.

It’s like he’s won the World Series or the Super Bowl.


They end up boning and start things off by wrestling a bit because Christian reveals that he likes it and that this is what he was talking about when he mentioned to Ana about taking her anger out on him in bed before. So it wasn't pegging after all.

Later that day, everyone is heading back home on the plane and Ana remembers that Christian quietly called Elliot "Lelliot" when congratulating him on getting engaged.

What did Christian call him? Lelliot. Perhaps that’s a family nickname?

Yes. It clearly is. This does not warrant any further discussion or energy. My brother Joseph has been called Joefish by me and my immediate family since forever, and I highly doubt that anyone, on hearing it, has thought about it later on and wondered "Is it a family nickname? WHAT COULD IT POSSIBLY MEAN? I NEED ANSWERS."

Anyway. We're told about them being on the plane and getting back to the apartment, during all of which, literally nothing happens. Then Christian reminds Ana that they're meeting Gia that evening and then it just skips to Ana brushing her teeth before bed. I'm pretty sure you're supposed to skip the boring bits and focus on the scenes where potentially interesting things might actually happen. EL James doesn't play by the rules and she sure as fuck doesn't get results. But hey, I'm not the billionaire author here, so what do I know.

Ana fills us in on what went down with Gia earlier, apparently she told Gia that she saw her in Aspen and her being there turned out to be a coincidence.

She’d camped out at her holiday place to work solely on our plans. For one awful moment I’d thought she’d had a hand in choosing the ring, but apparently not. But I still don’t trust Gia. I want to hear the same story from Elliot.

What fucking story?! Jesus Christ, just make out with her and be done with it.

Ana continues to think some thoughts and realises that Christian was so super relaxed over the weekend (he was scowling and snappy the entire time and literally knocked a guy out in the club. Christian was about as relaxed as a kick in the hole) because he was around his family.

Maybe that’s the answer. Maybe he needs his own family. I shake my head in denial - we’re too young, too new to all this.

Oh GOD, please just get this fucking pregnancy arc OVER WITH ALREADY. It hasn't even started and I'm already sick of it.

A few days go by and the passage of time is illustrated through the medium of FIFTEEN FUCKING EMAILS because there's just no other reasonable way of doing things I suppose. I'm starting to forget what it's like to enjoy reading a book. This series its doing its absolute utmost to ruin reading for me. In any case, time has passed and one morning, Hannah comes into Ana's office to tell her that Leila is waiting for her in reception, along with some other girl. Prescott was in the jacks so she didn't have a chance to stop Leila from getting this far, and explains to Ana that Leila is on a list of proscribed visitors that Ana apparently has. Christian has essentially created a list of people banned from Ana's life and she DOESN'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT IT.

Despite Prescott's insistence otherwise, Ana agrees to meet Leila and the mystery lady and has Prescott search both women in a meeting room beforehand. She also fires off an email to Christian, because we definitely haven't had enough of those lately, letting him know what's up. Hey, I wonder if he's going to show up, kick the door down and generally be furious?

Ana meets Leila, who introduces the girl she's with. Her name is Susi and she looks like both Leila and Ana, so she's another former submissive of Christian's. She tells Ana that she wanted to come with Leila so she could meet Ana, the woman who locked down Christian Grey.

“We call ourselves the sub club.” She grins at me, her eyes shining with mirth.

Ok, here is another alternate point of view story that I would heartily enjoy, along with The Sexy Adventures of Taylor and Jonesy. Christian's former subs all meet up and plot together to psychologically torment their careless, evil former Dom, exacting their revenge, like a sexy, violent First Wives Club. GIVE ME THREE BOOKS OF THAT INSTEAD.

This whole dance sequence could remain pretty much unchanged.
Christian has been calling Ana since she emailed him and was typically furious on the phone when she eventually stepped out to answer. Apparently he gave her "specific instructions" which she disobeyed, even though HE NEVER FUCKING TOLD HER ABOUT THE LIST. FUCK YOU IN THE EAR CHRISTIAN. Ana hangs up on him, so he's probably going to murder her now.

Leila tells Ana she wanted to see her so she could apologise and also tells her that she wants to thank Christian for paying for art school. Surely she could have just sent him an email to do that though, I mean all he seems to do in work is sit around scowling at people and sending emails. Leila then tells Ana that she's only ever loved her husband who recently died, and also Christian.

“I know. He’s very easy to love,” I whisper.


They both start giggling at this point, and it's time to check in with Ana's subconscious:

My subconscious rolls her eyes at me in despair and goes back to reading her dog-eared copy of Jane Eyre.

You and me both, lady. And hey, Jane Eyre! That's some speedy reading.

Apparently Christian has been refusing all of Leila's requests to meet, so she came to see Ana, knowing that Christian would show up. Which he does, fires Prescott on the spot, and is then horrible to Leila, telling her that if she comes near Ana again, he'll cut off all support, i.e. art school, doctors, medical insurance. He tells her to go back to the East Coast and that if she takes "one step west of the Mississippi, it’s all gone". YOU ARE NOT IN CHARGE OF HER YOU HORRIBLE FUCK.

Anyway, Leila agrees to all this and then leaves. Christian and Ana then have a bit of an argument, in which Christian keeps trying to distract her so they won't actually get to resolve or work through anything and when she asks him why he was so cold and callous to Leila, he replies:

“Anastasia,” he says as if to a child. “You don’t understand. Leila, Susannah - all of them - they were a pleasant, diverting pastime."

Eh, no, dickhead, they were women who you treated awfully, if your relationship with Ana is anything to go by and the sooner they team up and murder you in your sleep, the better.

Ana tries to get Christian to admit that he still cares about Leila, because she doesn't like how mean he was to her and it's a big, drawn-out conversation that ends up with Christian alluding to sex as usual, so they won't talk about their many many issues and they go home.

Cut to them mid-bang, with all the usual "you are mine" inanity, Ana referring to her vagina as "the center of my universe", before coming when Christian commands her to. Then there's two more emails to show that more time has passed, followed by Ana getting a call at work, because her stepdad Ray is in hospital after an accident.


Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery 3 (Vol. 7)

Alright then, let's do this thing.

(Catch up: Volumes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6.)

The gang arrive in Aspen and head to Christian’s fancy house there, while talking about skiing and what have you. Ana’s the only one who’s never been there before and has also never gone skiing.

“I’m hoping my husband will teach me how to ski.” I glance up at my man. 
“Don’t bet on it,” Christian mutters. 
“I won’t be that bad!” 
“You might break your neck.” His grin gone. 
Oh. I don’t want to argue and sour his good mood, so I change the subject.

Jesus Christ, Christian literally couldn't be less craic if he tried. CHILDREN GO SKIING but suddenly it’s far too dangerous a pursuit for his fragile, idiot wife? When learning to ski, you’re starting off on teeny tiny little slopes and the actual worst that will happen is you fall down into some soft snow, or maybe get slightly tangled in a mesh fence and kick yourself in the arse with the ends of your skis while trying to get up again. Y'know. So I hear. Shut up, Christian.

Ana notices that Kate is being quiet and wonders what the problem could be.

Then I remember. Aspen…Christian’s house here was redesigned by Gia Matteo and rebuilt by Elliot. I wonder if that’s what’s preoccupying Kate. I can’t ask her in front of Elliot, given his history with Gia. Does Kate even know about Gia’s connection to the house?

Excuse me, but what the fuck was this sequence of sentences, exactly? And why does Ana think everyone is as fixated on Gia Matteo as she is? They get to the house and Christian continues to be irritated by literally nothing.

Mia grabs Ethan’s hand and drags him farther into the house. Christian narrows his eyes at their departing figures, his mouth thinning.

Imagine having to spend an entire weekend with someone who reacts like that to his sister showing her friend/boyfriend around his fancy holiday home that he never uses. No wonder Kate is quiet, she’s probably planning her escape from this awful fucking trip. Christian shows Ana around the house, and everything is state-of-the-art and sleek and reminds her of his Escala apartment back home, so I guess that means it’s completely devoid of any personality and about as much fun as a slap in the head. Ana is once again overwhelmed at the wealth that is now hers too and will definitely, DEFINITELY never get used to it, no siree. Also, let’s take a look at how terrible EL James is at describing things:

The interior décor is stark and reminds me of the great room at Escala - all white walls, dark wood, and contemporary abstract art.

The state-of-the-art kitchen is all pale marble countertops and black cupboards.

These two descriptions happen within half a page and I’m all throbbing forehead veins and disbelief that this author is so outrageously successful.

Ana brings up Gia again and asks Christian what her involvement was with the house. Christian is like “why are we talking about Gia?” and I’m like “DUDE I KNOW, RIGHT?” at which point Ana asks him if he knows that Elliot previously had a fling with Gia.

“Elliot’s fucked most of Seattle, Ana.” 
I gasp. 
“Mainly women, I understand,” Christian jokes. 
I think he’s amused by my expression. 

Jesus Ana, just because you stayed in reading Jane Austen for your entire life before meeting Christian doesn’t mean everyone else did too. Ana then spends the rest of the chapter internally referring to Elliot as “manwhore”, because she’s a judgmental fucking bitch. Christian then mentions that before meeting Ana, his family thought he was gay.

I giggle and begin to relax in his arms. “I thought you were celibate. How wrong I was.” I wrap my arms around him, marveling at the ridiculousness of Christian being gay.

Because, hey, we’ve already had rampant misogyny and a smattering of racism in this series already, why not go the whole hog and throw in a spot of homophobia too?

The gang (a term that makes them sound like way more fun than the shower of shallow, self-obsessed idiots that they are) tries to decide on an activity for the day, but it starts raining, so the proposed hike is out. Instead the girls are going shopping, Ethan and Christian are going fishing and Elliot needs to get a watch battery, apparently. Mia brings Kate and Ana to a fancy boutique where they buy dresses and do you want to know what the shop is like on the inside? Of course you do, because it’s “all pink silk and faux-French distressed rustic furniture” and there are literally no other ways to convey what an interior looks like than “all something and something”. While Kate and Mia are in the changing rooms, Ana sees Elliot come out of a jewellery shop across the road, BUT HE’S WITH DEMON WOMAN GIA MATTEO. They cordially say goodbye and Ana is agog because WHAT COULD HE POSSIBLY BE DOING IN A JEWELLERY SHOP WITH A FEMALE ACQUAINTANCE WHEN HE’S RECENTLY BEEN ACTING A BIT DISTRACTED WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND, HMM?

Anyway, Ana says nothing to the other two when they emerge from the changing rooms and they pay for their stuff, while Ana hates on the shop assistant for absolutely no fucking reason.

The young sales assistant - who has more gloss coating her lips than I have ever seen in one place - smiles at me. 
“That’ll be eight hundred and fifty dollars.” What? For this scrap of material! 
I blink at her and meekly hand over my black Amex. 
“Mrs. Grey,” Ms. Lip Gloss purrs.


Afterwards, Ana asks Kate how things are between her and Elliot and wonders whether she should tell Kate about seeing Elliot with “Miss Well-Groomed-Sexual-Predator” and Ana's little nicknames for all these female background characters can fucking well do one. Kate says she doesn’t want to talk about it right now and indicates to Mia, who is out of earshot.

I give her my I-completely-understand-and-will-respect-your-privacy nod.

I do my someone-needs-to-pry-the-fucking-hyphen-key-out-of-EL-James’s-laptop dance. It’s very sexy. And angry. Mostly angry.

They go back to the house and drink strawberry daiquiris in front of a roaring fire, even though it’s summer and usually around 20°C and upwards in Aspen in late summer. I know this because I checked. Also, who the hell drinks frozen cocktails in front of a blazing fire? Oh wait, I forgot what I was reading. Nothing makes sense in this book.

Kate mentions that she thinks she’s in trouble with Elliot for getting Ana into trouble when they went for a few drinks after work and no one got kidnapped or raped.

“You heard about that?” 
“Yes. Christian called Elliot; Elliot called me.”

Now hold on a fucking second. Christian called Elliot, because he’s Kate’s boyfriend to tell him, what, exactly? To rein his woman in? Because Elliot is in charge of what Kate does and that’s how relationships work? I hope Christian gets eaten by a fucking bear while he’s out fishing. That bear would be a goddamn hero.

Christian gets back from fishing, Ana runs him a bath, but they end up boning instead and leave the bath running.

“Shit, the water!” I struggle to sit up, all post-orgasmic and dazed.


They’re all going out for dinner that evening so Ana gets ready and puts on her new dress. It’s silver and short and backless and she looks sexy in it.

I’m all legs, especially in the high-heeled Manolos and my indecently short dress.

I just can’t.

Also, because she looks so damn good in it, she needs Christian to approve before she can wear it out of the house. Which is honestly just too depressing to make fun of. So, Ana goes to the door of the room and calls for Christian to come take a look – no wait, what am I saying? She EMAILS HIM OF COURSE, even though he’s in the same fucking house, because it’s been AAAGES since he’s had the opportunity to change his email signature to something relating to the conversation that is both HILARIOUS and WITTY and NOT AT ALL TEDIOUS.

He comes into the room, tells her she looks “…wow” and then fingers her, telling her “this is mine”, but just like all the other times he does stuff like this, it’s not sexy because he literally believes that Ana’s vagina belongs to him, along with the rest of her. Amazingly, he’s allowing her to wear the dress out in public, with the caveat; “be a good girl and don’t bend down”.

Anyhoodle, they all go out for dinner and Ana continues to obsess over Gia and is “half expecting to see Gia calmly saunter her well-groomed ass across the restaurant to us.” It’s very strange how Ana acts like “well-groomed” is an insult. It’s also the third time in one chapter that she’s described Gia as such. And this is coming from someone who gave us a detailed rundown of precisely how well-groomed she is now, while looking at her reflection on the yacht. So, they’re having dinner, when – oh my god, never saw this coming – Elliot proposes to Kate. Ana’s reaction, which is pretty much her reaction to everything, is “Holy shit!”

Amount of times Ana says “Holy shit!”: 33
“Holy crap!”: 23
“Jeez”: 57

Kate says yes and the whole restaurant applauds, because everything came to a standstill at that moment, of course. Everyone congratulates them, and Christian’s comment to Kate is “I hope you are as happy in your marriage as I am in mine.” I kinda love how he doesn’t realize what a massive burn that is.

Mia wants to go clubbing, so they all head to the fanciest, most exclusive spot in Aspen, where Ana and Christian take turns being jealous fucking morons because the staff are friendly, i.e. doing their jobs.

Ana is wearing Mia’s trench coat to cover her arse, (at Christian’s insistence, because of course you can wear that dress darling, as long as you cover it up entirely) and hands it over to the cloakroom guy:

“Nice coat,” he says, gazing at me intently. Beside me Christian bristles and fixes Max with a back-off-now glare. He reddens and quickly hands Christian my coat check ticket.

The female staff wear a uniform of black hotpants and a shirt, with a little red bowtie. It sounds pretty cute, but is unfortunately ripe for Ana’s infuriatingly condescending nicknames for tertiary women all throughout this horror show of a series.

“Let me show you to your table.” Miss Satin Hot Pants flutters her eyelashes at my husband, flicks her long blond hair, and sashays through the entryway. I tighten my grip around Christian, and he gazes down at me questioningly for a moment, then smirks as we follow Miss Satin Hot Pants into the bar.

Kate and Elliot are all giddy and excited and at one point, Kate squeezes his thigh and they kiss, prompting Ana to shout "Get a room!" at them. Ana, who was fingered by Christian in a lift WITH STRANGERS IN IT in the last book.

Mia drags Kate and Ana onto the dancefloor, but not before Christian “growls” at Ana not to bend over and when she gets a head rush from standing up, he tells her to drink water, “a warning clear in his voice”. Not concern, not tenderness, a warning. Awesome. They go dancing and Ana thinks about how for the first twenty years of her life she “chose reading over dancing”, because apparently the two are mutually exclusive and "Jane Austen didn’t have great music to move to". Excuse me, but Jane Austen was ALL ABOUT dancing and music. "To be fond of dancing was a certain step towards falling in love", ring any fucking bells, lady?


When Ana feels a pair of hands on her hips that then squeeze her arse, she assumes it’s Christian, but - uh oh! – it’s not. She spins around and screams at the creepy dude to get his hands off her. He’s all “hey baby, it’s just a bit of fun”, which is pretty much exactly the kind of attitude that cunts like this have when they go around sexually harassing women in nightclubs. Ana slaps him and for once I’m like “YES, I can actually relate to Ana for once, having done the same thing myself and she was dead fucking right in her actions”, until she, as usual, finds a way to ruin it by shoving her rings in his face and shouting “I’m married, you asshole!” So you see, creepy guy, you’re feeling up another man’s property and if she was single then it’s definitely no big deal to put your hands on a woman, uninvited.

Of course, Christian suddenly materializes and punches the guy, knocking him to the ground. The dude legs it and Ana has to force Christian to look at her, essentially proving that this is all about Christian being mad that someone played with his toy and nothing to do with whether Ana is actually ok or not. Remember, he was MAD AT HER when Jack Hyde tried to assault her in the last book. This is his M.O. Ana gets him to dance with her and we find out that the reason why she slapped the guy wasn’t actually anything to do with righteous female anger, but because she knew how Christian would react and it was the thought of some “nobody” making Christian lose his self-control that actually made her mad. Anastasia Grey, making lemons out of lemonade since 1989.

They dance and drink a bit more and then it’s time to go home. Ana is drunk and tired, so Christian takes her shoes off and then leads her into the bathroom, where he takes her makeup off, like she’s a fucking child who can’t take care of herself. Now, imagine for a moment, that you’re coming home after an eventful night out with your boyfriend or husband and he sits you down, tells you to close your eyes and then goes to town on your face with cotton wool and some cleanser. I don’t think your reaction would be “Holy crap, he’s holding a cotton ball!”, followed by meekly sitting there, it’d be “what the fuck are you doing you weirdo, give me that, you’ll take my fecking eye out.”

While Christian undresses her for bed, Ana notes how it's "progress" that he's not mad at her for once, but mad at someone else. Progress. It's progress that he's not mad at her for getting felt up. And the worst part is that it's actually true.

Christian orders Ana into bed and has some calls to make. She pleads with him to join her, but he won't because she's tired and needs to sleep and if he gets into bed with her they'll have to have sex and it's not like he can just lie down beside her and not paw at her long enough so she can have a snooze. Don't be ridiculous.