Sweet Valley High Revisited - Memories

This book was a bit of a snooze, to be honest. But let's give it a crack anyway.

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Sweet Valley High #24: Memories


"Steven! What's wrong?"
Ned Wakefield looked up from the book he was reading as his son streaked by the master bedroom.

I'd like to think that by streaking, they mean Steven has just run past in the nip, as it would have made this book infinitely more interesting. Unfortunately there isn't a wang to be had and Steven just ran quickly to his room and this whole story is basically just about him being sad. BOOORING.

You see, Steven had the nerve to enjoy hanging out with Cara Walker at Lila's party the previous night, prompting Betsy Martin to make a huge scene, giving him a load of shit for forgetting about her dead sister Tricia. It's pretty rude of her, considering how he took it upon himself to look after her when Tricia died and cured her of her drug and alcohol problems through the sheer power of Wakefield charisma.

However, Steven decides that she's right and feels like he's betrayed Tricia's memory, vowing never to do it again, so he starts to spend loads of time hanging around with Betsy, while she tells him about the time Tricia was a robin in a school play.

Jessica continues to be mean to Betsy for being a no-good skank (i.e. doing exactly all the things that Jessica does, but is poor, therefore she's a trashy slut rather than a mischievous flirt) and is pointedly rude to her when she calls over to the house one morning to meet Steven. However, it's soon followed by a classic Alice Wakefield burn, when she asks the twins to do the washing up.

[Following a conversation about how Jessica wants to be a movie star]
"Right now, though, the only roles we're casting for are the kitchen help." She got up and brought a few plates to the counter. "Anybody want to audition?'
"I don't mind trying out." Jessica grimaced. "But don't count on my taking it up as a career."
"Honey," her mother joked, "I never count on you for anything."

ALICE! I swear, this woman is a shade-throwing QUEEN.

Meanwhile, Elizabeth continues to pine for her boyfriend Todd, who now lives in Vermont, and she keeps seeing some guy around town who looks just like him. Could it be that Todd is leading some manner of double life and might actually have an interesting secret of some sort? Of course not. This guy is Michael Sellers, the captain of the Big Mesa volleyball team, Sweet Valley High's opponents in an upcoming charity match. The twins are on the team, naturally (winning at life includes being an excellent volleyball player, despite your prowess never being mentioned once over the course of 23 books) but on the night of the event, Elizabeth sucks for the first game, as she's all flustered by Michael's presence. He even has coffee brown eyes like Todd's! GIVE THOSE EYES BACK MICHAEL, THEY'RE NOT YOURS.

Despite Liz's shaky start, the Sweet Valley team eventually draw level and end up winning, with Elizabeth hitting the winning point, (or whatever the deal is with volleyball) because god forbid someone else in that school should get a moment of glory when there's a Wakefield on the team.

There's a big dance afterwards (duh) and when the twins go home to change before it, they, along with Steve's friend Artie who dropped over, convince Steve to come with them and do something non-dead-girlfriend-related. Cara sees Steven there and decides to go over and say hello, despite the fact that he ditched her at Lila's party after Betsy Martin's outburst and never fucking apologised. And even though he's excited to see her, Steven decides that the last time they hung out gave him "so much pain" that "he wanted no part of her tonight". Steady on, Steve. So instead of even being basic-level polite to her, he's frosty and immediately walks off to talk to Betsy, who's just arrived. Cara is humiliated and it's just so fucking RUDE of him. Also, what is the deal with all these college-age kids hanging around at a school dance for sixteen year olds? Can you imagine being in first year in college and hanging around at the Junior Cert disco? You'd be SCARLET.

Cara's a pretty sailor, but what's going on with her facial expression? Also, Steven, is that a velour shirt? Because it sure looks like one.

Meanwhile, Elizabeth has been dancing with Michael, marvelling at how much he looks like her ex-boyfriend. Always a good reason to hook up with someone, said no one ever. However, Elizabeth soon realises that in terms of personality, he's nothing like her beloved Todd (in that he actually has one), as he slags off the food that Winston made and has the audacity to put his paper plate under his chair when he's done, rather than in the bin. SHAAAME.

While all this has been going on, Jessica's been scheming away as usual in her subplot, after overhearing her mother talking to Mrs. Egbert about a movie director relative coming to stay at their house and how she'll keep it a secret for her. As a result, Jessica's been prowling after Winston and has inveigled her way into doing an English project with him. She goes over to his house one afternoon so they can work on it together and while there, learns that it's Mrs. Egbert's cousin Marty that's coming to stay in a few days time.

Later that night, Steven and the twins are having pizza for dinner as Ned and Alice have gone out for the evening. The subject of Cara Walker comes up, as Steve's friend Artie is supposed to be taking her out on a date, which Steve is grumpy about despite the fact that he's been nothing but awful to her for the last while. Jessica hints that Steve and Cara should get together, but Elizabeth reckons they're not right for each other.

"I'm sorry. Cara has pulled too many nasty stunts and told too many secrets for me to think that she'd be a match for Steve."

Oh fuck right off, Liz. Mind you don't fall off that high horse. Cara has never actually done anything to her and the shit that Jessica routinely pulls is genuine villainy, whereas all Cara has ever done is be prone to a bit of gossip and has the nerve to fancy Steve. Fucking Elizabeth.

Anyway, Steve gets mad at the two of them for talking about him like he's not even there, and it escalates into an argument between the three of them, with Jessica dropping truth bombs all up in his face. She calls Steve out for being too scared of what Betsy would say if he went out with Cara, which is 100% correct and tells him he's being incredibly rude to Cara, WHICH HE TOTALLY IS.

Steven slammed his fist on the counter. "I've told you, Jess, stay out of it. I'll live my life the way I want."
"OK," Jessica said. She shrugged. "But remember Cara's got one advantage over Tricia. She's alive."

YAAAS. Epic burn Jess.

Steven runs off crying because the truth hurts, BITCH and after thinking it over, decides that he really should apologise to Cara. HEY, YA THINK? He calls her up and it turns out that she didn't go out with Artie after all, so they arrange to go for a picnic the next day. Cara offers to organise some food and Steven's just like "yeah, see you then", when the least he could do is get off his fucking hole and sort out some goddamn cheese and bread and lemonade to make up for being such an utter turd to her, particularly since the picnic was his idea.

They go to the zoo for the day and after a wander around, head to a picnic area, where Cara lays out some fried chicken, pasta salad and a chocolate cake.

"I'm impressed," Steven said as he stretched his tall frame out on the blanket. "I didn't know you were such a good cook."
"I'm not," Cara confessed. "I bought the chicken and the salad."
"Hey," Steven said, sitting up. "That's cheating."

Hey, fuck you Steven, literally all you have contributed to this picnic is the fucking BLANKET. He sucks SO BAD. Anyway, they have a nice time somehow, so progress, I guess.

At school that week, Elizabeth catches up with Cara in the hallway and tells her TO HER FACE that she didn't think she was good enough for her precious asshole brother, but now that she sees how happy Cara has made him, she approves of her. LIZ. WHAT THE HELL. It's so unbelievably rude and unnecessary and the fucking NERVE of this girl. However, Cara is overjoyed that Saint Elizabeth hath bestowed her divine blessings upon her as a lowly not blonde apartment-dweller, and thanks her instead of telling her to go fuck herself.

It's Cara's birthday that weekend, so Steven is taking her out for dinner. He tells her to pick the restaurant, so she books the Valley Inn, a charming old place outside of town. However, it's also the place where he and Tricia went for dinner before she got too sick to leave the house. Steven bravely soldiers through (what a fucking trooper) and they have a lovely dinner together. A band starts playing, so they get up to slow dance, but then they start to play Tricia's favourite song and Steven freaks out, runs off and LEAVES CARA THERE. WITHOUT A LIFT HOME. ON HER FUCKING BIRTHDAY.

And breathe.

Meanwhile, Jessica heads over to Winston's house again and meets his mother's cousin, Marty. They have all these ambiguous conversations about his work, without ever actually stating what it is he does for a living, so you can probably guess how well this is going to turn out. Jessica tells him how interested she is in his line of work, and Marty offers to show her his latest project, which is DEFINITELY a movie script, right? Right? To quote Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, (as my good friend Billy so often does) "assumption is the mother of all fuck-ups" and it turns out that the "script" is actually a strategy for waste disposal in LA, because Marty's an engineer and his brother Phil, who couldn't make it, is the famous director. Foiled again, Jessica.

After ditching Cara yet again, Steven has been moping around the house, wrecking everyone's buzz and hanging around with Betsy to do depressing stuff like look at old photos of Tricia. Elizabeth comes up with a plan to snap Steven out of it, which involves going over to Betsy Martin's house in the gross part of town.

Trash littered the sidewalk, and pieces of broken glass sparkled in the sun. This did not seem at all like the Sweet Valley Elizabeth knew and loved.

Ewwww, poor people. Elizabeth manages to survive the litter and broken glass and tells Betsy about how she was the first one to find out that Tricia had leukemia and was sworn to secrecy because Tricia was trying to push Steve away so she wouldn't be holding him back. Betsy realises she was being a massive downer for Steve and agrees to let him live his life and actually give him a chance to move on.

In order to do this, a typically stupid and convoluted plan must be hatched, which involves Steven and Cara being lured to meet each other outside the school under false pretenses and Roger Collins' six year old son Teddy cycles over to hand them a mysterious package each. Teddy Collins is like the Sweet Valley rent-a-kid for annoying schemes in these books. It turns out that the packages contain portraits of both Steve and Cara for each other, with a note from Betsy, telling Steve to embrace life or whatever. Cara tells him that if he wants to begin again, she's there for him (RUN CARA, RUN!) and they kiss and everything is great.

Steven's heart swelled with happiness, and he felt as if Tricia were smiling down on them.

Greaaaat. I bet Tricia's never going to come up again as an issue in this relationship. Nope. No siree.

Notable outfit:
UGH this book was so boring and that goes for the clothes too. Elizabeth had a side-swept ponytail at one point, and Cara puts her hair into a topknot for her ill-fated birthday dinner with Steve. That's about as exciting as it got.

Things I counted:
Number of pages:151
References to the twins' blue-green eyes: 3
References to the fact that the twins are blonde: 5

Sweet Valley High Revisited - Say Goodbye

Does everybody else have that Madonna song stuck in their heads now too? Thought as much. Let's proceed!

Sweet Valley High #23: Say Goodbye


Elizabeth Wakefield is miserable. She feels like a part of her is "dying", her aqua coloured eyes are brimming with tears, tears that are probably getting all up in her sun-kissed blonde hair, and when she takes her perfect size six body outside the house, she's so upset that she's "blind to the beauty of her neighbourhood." The reason that Elizabeth's perfect California face isn't paying any attention to her perfect California surroundings is that her perfect California boyfriend is moving away to stupid Vermont in a week's time.

Todd's father has to move for work, so in between crying on each other, he and Elizabeth have decided to have a long distance relationship and not see other people, even though they don't even know when they'll get to see each other again. Both Enid and big bro Steven think it's a bad idea, though. Steven has seen this kind of thing with his college buddies and it never works out, apparently.

"People have what they call 'hometown honeys' - girlfriends or boyfriends they've left behind."

Because Steven is going to college in 1940s wartime America.

Meanwhile, Jessica owes her parents almost a hundred dollars after buying an outfit in Lisette's and charging it to Ned and Alice's account without telling them. She has to find a part time job to earn enough to pay them back and ends up with a job as a receptionist at the Perfect Match Computer Dating Agency. Most excellent. While she's telling Steven about her new gig, Jessica decides it's high time he got his fine ass back out on the market.

He's so good looking, she mused.

Pretty weird, Jess.

The agency is owned by Mary Ann, a "pert brunette" in her twenties and the office has heart shaped notepads, a heart shaped keyring for the keys, pink index cards and pink pencils, because Mary Ann respects a theme, goddammit. Jessica ends up telling her new boss all about Elizabeth and Todd and how boring she thinks Todd is. While chatting to her, Jessica hits on the idea of setting Elizabeth up with the handsome and fabulously wealthy Nicholas Morrow. Remember Nicholas Morrow? He's the college-aged dude who was new in town and relentlessly pursued Elizabeth, a sixteen year old with a steady boyfriend, and guilted her into going on a date with him, despite her repeated protestations. Nice guy.

One evening in the dating agency's office, Jessica compiles a shortlist of ladyeez to set her brother up with, one of which is a forty three year old divorceé called Beatrice. She calls Beatrice up and tells her that the computer has found her perfect match, and gives her Steven's phone number. Steven is eighteen.

Anyway, it's time for Todd to go, so he and Elizabeth have a mega-tearful goodbye in the driveway of his parents house and she sadly watches the car drive away. Elizabeth then proceeds to spend all her time moping around her room, writing letters to Todd, letting her work for the school paper slide and generally being antisocial.

But the worst, the very worst was the apathetic look in her blue-green eyes.

Noooo! The eyes of a Wakefield twin FLASH and SPARKLE and SHINE! They're practically a pair of tiny turquoise headlights, this just won't do!

Jessica tries to get Elizabeth back to her old self by asking sexy ol' Mr Collins to send Liz to the upcoming regatta to cover it for The Oracle. She then convinces Nicholas Morrow to offer to take Liz to the race, as he's sailing in it and one of the favourites to win. Liz goes with him and the race is all super exciting and Nicholas wins. Oh and he shows her his boat beforehand, it's called Seabird but he tells her that its secret name is My Favourite Twin. Bleuuuuugh.

After the race, Nicholas invites the twins to come for a fancy lunch on his dad's yacht and is all over Elizabeth. He tells her that he's there for her if she needs a shoulder to cry on, even though he quite clearly wants to get into her pants. Elizabeth is relieved that he just wants to be friends, but also doesn't quite 100% believe that and feels guilty for enjoying his attention and company. The next day, the twins go to the Morrow's house for a barbeque being held in honour of Nicholas's cousin Jeffrey, who's in from New York. Jessica briefly "considered falling in love with him", but decides not to (because that's how it works) as all the money is in Nicholas's family and Jeffrey is probably a poor relative.

Jeffrey was twenty one, with brown, crinkly hair and wire-frame glasses.

He wants to be an archeologist and keeps talking about the Aztecs and I have to say, I'm kind of into Jeffrey. He sounds like Classroom Indiana Jones and as we all know, he can get it. Nicholas asks Elizabeth whether she and Todd have decided to date other people, she tells him they haven't and he asks her to the cinema. But he does so "huskily", so he must mean business.

Todd. That jacket. No.

In the meantime, Beatrice has been calling up Steven and asking him out to dinner and quite rightly, he's completely weirded out and can't figure how she got his number. Jessica decides that she'll have to deploy her second choice for Steven, some bird called Jody, and calls her up, telling her to come by the house on Saturday. I'm not sure which part of this she thinks is a good idea.

Todd calls the house while Elizabeth is over at Enid's and Jessica takes the opportunity to tell him that Elizabeth is miserable and not going out with her friends or writing for the school paper, making out like he's holding her back and urging him to let her go. She pretty much guilts Todd into agreeing with her and instead of actually talking to his girlfriend about it, he just takes the word of her sister, a notorious liar, schemer and shit-stirrer and just stops returning Liz's calls or replying to her letters. Great job, Todd.

Liz goes to the cinema with Nicholas to the new James Bond film (going by the date of this book, it's A View To A Kill, fyi) and they kiss afterwards. Nicholas apologises and Elizabeth says she needs more time. He tells her to think everything over and not to push herself and then IMMEDIATELY pesters her to go for ice cream with him at the weekend. How is she supposed to think things over when YOU WON'T LEAVE HER ALONE? Riddle me that, Morrow.

The next day, Steven and Elizabeth are hanging out by the pool when the doorbell rings. Elizabeth answers to find some punk rocker chick waiting outside and looking for Steven. Elizabeth "repressed the desire to burst out laughing" because she's a judgey little bitch and invites her in. It turns out that this is Jody and Steven naturally has no idea what's going on. When she tells him he's supposed to be her other half, he suggests that she has the wrong house and Elizabeth bursts out laughing, which is RUDE. But I guess we're not supposed to feel bad for this girl, because she lights a cigarette and has long nails, so for some reason it's fine that Elizabeth is ridiculing her TO HER FACE. It's not Jody's fault that Jessica is an exasperating schemer, after all.

Anyway, Elizabeth has seemingly thrown herself into dating Nicholas, despite still pining for Todd and not knowing why he hasn't returned any of her calls. Steven and Enid are concerned and think she's rushing into it, even though they both thought that Liz and Todd doing long distance was a bad idea, so make your goddamn minds up jerks. Elizabeth decides that she's been unfairly leading Nicholas on, as she's still in love with Todd, so she resolves to tell Nicholas how she really feels and to write to Todd to find out what exactly is going on. However, she won't get a chance to talk to Nicholas until the following night, when they're supposed to be going to a party at Lila Fowler's house, so she decides not to ruin his evening and will break up with him after the party.

It was going to be a terrible blow when he found out that Elizabeth wanted to cut things off.

A fate worse then death, being denied that sweet Wakefield ass.

The next day, Todd is back in town to close his father's bank accounts and "make enquiries about the furniture", and tie up various other loose ends that it seems a bit odd to send a sixteen year old to do. He hasn't told anyone that he's back in town, and wants to drop by Elizabeth's house to surprise her. Even though he decided to ignore her phonecalls in an effort to make her move on, with no explanation. He's all confused about his feelings and chickens out of calling to the house, instead deciding to show up at Lila's party that night.

"I'm too much of a coward to face her alone", he admitted. 

Todd has an entire conversation with himself in the car, while he works it all out. Sunset Beach style.

Steven is on the way home for dinner before Lila's party, and sees a girl pulled in off the side of the road with a flat tyre. It turns out that it's Cara Walker, which shocks him for some reason.

It was Cara Walker - just about the last person Steven would have expected to run into on Route 29. Somehow he'd always gotten the impression that Cara was incapable of driving to the supermarket, let alone taking the car out on the expressway.

Is that because you're a massive dickhead, Steven? I think it miiiight beeee.

He helps her change the tyre and she thanks him but gets a bit upset, as she's been having family problems and has had a lot on her mind lately. Steven graciously takes pity on her and they go for coffee at a nearby place, where she fills him in on the fact that her parents have separated and how hard it's been, not least because they've split her and little brother up, and he's now living in Chicago with their father.

Steven couldn't get over the change in Cara. The tragic battle that had been waged in her household had had one positive effect: Cara had grown up. Gone was the spoiled, silly girl Steven had once known. In her place was a sensitive, intelligent young woman, whom Steven thought he wouldn't mind getting to know better.

Ok FIRST OF ALL, she's still sixteen Stevie, so put those pants back on. SECOND OF ALL, fuck you. She's a kid and shouldn't HAVE to "grow up" and deal with this kind of thing. Sixteen year old girls can be both silly and intelligent, you massive dick. It's what being sixteen is FOR. You just couldn't bother your hole getting to know her properly, so now that she's going through a terrible time you suddenly deem her worthy of your precious attention. And her misery giving you a boner is not a "positive effect", it's you being CREEPY.

They decide to go to Lila's party together and spend their time there in deep conversation, which enrages Betsy Martin, (sister of Tricia, Steve's former girlfriend/Victorian ghost doll who died from leukemia a few months previously - these kids live in an actual soap opera) because she feels like it's too soon after Tricia.

Todd then shows up, surprising everyone, especially Liz, who is caught rapid dancing with Nicholas with her head on his shoulder. Todd runs off and Nicholas takes Liz home because she wants to be alone. When they get to the house, she tells Nicholas that she's not ready to be involved with him and apologises. He's hurt, but accepts her decision for once in his life, which is something. Jessica comes home shortly afterwards and confesses to Elizabeth that she told Todd to leave Liz alone. Elizabeth runs off to track Todd down and eventually finds him sitting outside his old house.

They have a big long talk and decide that they'll lead their separate lives and date other people, but they still love each other so they're leaving things open ended for now, whatever that means. Elizabeth decides that they're both better off now, so she's not mad at Jessica for interfering any more, because Jessica literally gets away with EVERYTHING so why change the habit of a lifetime? Also, it turns out that after they left the party, Betsy Martin kicked off at Steve and made a huge scene, accusing him of forgetting about her sister. Steve stormed out without saying goodbye to Cara and everyone involved is pretty upset, so now we have our storyline for the next book. Woo!

Notable outfit:
Shoutout to Jody McGuire, injecting some much-needed rock 'n roll into a town full of squares.

Wearing a black leather jacket and skintight leather trousers, the girl who stood there looked like someone in a movie about punk rockers. She had at least six earrings in one ear and the longest fingernails Elizabeth had ever seen.

You know, apart from being a dick move, Elizabeth laughing at this girl was a risky move, because she sounds like she would fuck. Her. Up.

Things I counted:
Number of pages:153
References to the twins' blue-green eyes: 4
References to the fact that the twins are blonde: 10
Amount of times people look "miffed": 4

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Sweet Valley High Revisited - Too Much In Love

This post was supposed to go up yesterday, but when I went into my drafts folder to publish it, the bastarding thing had gone and fucking disappeared. I still have no idea what happened, and after moping on Twitter for a bit, I went home and rewrote the whole entire thing while vowing never to entrust a completed post with Blogger ever again. And swearing quite a bit.

ANYWAY. Let's jump back into the Sweet Valley timeline, after that summer bike trip tangent.

*cough*pleaselikemyfacebookpage*cough*

Sweet Valley High #22: Too Much In Love


It's dinner time at Casa Wakefield, and Ned and Alice are going to be out of town for a few days, as Ned is working on a big case and there's another lawyer in Mexico City who has a bunch of documents there that he needs and apparently there's no such thing as the postal service in this universe. The twins convince their parents that they can take care of themselves while they're away and certainly don't need a babysitter. Ned and Alice agree to let them stay home on their own, after all it's not as if either of them have ever been kidnapped, or tried to run away from home, or got into a near-fatal motorbike accident, or ended up abandoned in a forest at night, wearing nothing but a bikini after being almost sexually assaulted by a college dude.

Elizabeth is in charge of organising an upcoming school talent show and calls up DeeDee Gordon to ask if she'll design the sets for the background of each act. However, DeeDee is all squirrelly and weird and won't commit to doing it until she talks to her boyfriend Bill about it first. Elizabeth is puzzled by her reaction, as Bill has nothing to do with the show and DeeDee is usually super excited about design projects. Elizabeth mentions it to Patty Gilbert, DeeDee's BFF, "a beautiful black girl with short, dark hair and large, sparkling brown eyes." Oh my god! It's only taken 22 books to introduce a person of colour, other than Penny Ayala. DIVERSITY! Apparently, Patty is "one of the most popular, talented girls in her class", although how popular can she really be, if this is the first we've heard of her, HMM? Anyway, Patty has also noticed a change in DeeDee and tells Liz that she'll get her to commit to doing the set design.

It turns out that DeeDee is being all strange and insecure because her parents split up and her mother told her it was because she and DeeDee's father didn't make enough time for each other in their relationship and then things just fell apart. As a result, DeeDee has gotten super clingy with Bill and has abandoned all her other interests, like the art classes she was attending. She turns up at his house unannounced, freaks out if he doesn't seek her out to say hello before homeroom and waits around outside the boys locker room for him to finish swimming practice.

Meanwhile, poor Bill is feeling smothered by the sudden change in his girlfriend and feels like he's spending all his free time smoothing things over with DeeDee because she keeps getting upset at how busy he is. We discover that DeeDee is also acting this way because her art teacher had told her about her own divorce and how her ex has remarried a plain and unthreatening woman, who had no career or other pursuits to distract her. Teachers are always confiding in their students in this town and it's really pretty weird.

They're supposed to have a double date with Patty and her boyfriend from out of town on Friday night, but Bill ends up qualifying for regionals (like Glee! But with swimming!), and instead of just going out with her friends and meeting up with Bill later on, DeeDee drags Patty and her boyfriend to the swim meet. She then proceeds to make a holy show of herself when Bill wins, running down the steps to the pool, screaming his name and throwing her arms around him, mortifying the poor fella.

With the Wakefield parents out of the way for the week, Jessica immediately starts planning a massive house party and enlists Lila Fowler to help her, as the key to an excellent party is down to the guest list, apparently. Lila is seeing a college guy called Drake, and decides to invite him and some of his mates along to liven things up. So that's definitely going to go well.

That weekend, Bill is supposed to meet DeeDee on Saturday night, but he has the day to himself and has arranged to go see an old movie with fellow film buff Dana Larson that afternoon. He feels guiltily relieved to get a break from his newly overbearing girlfriend and hasn't told her about his cinema plans, as it would only upset her. Unfortunately, as they're leaving the cinema, they run into Jessica and Cara out shopping for the day. Never one to miss an opportunity to ruin someone's day, Jessica tells DeeDee about Bill's trip to the movies, making it sound like DeeDee has something to be worried about, even though she knows full well he and Dana are just friends. For all her suntanned, "All American" good looks and winning smile, Jessica is essentially a cruel person. You see, Bill had the nerve to go and hook up with DeeDee instead of Jessica, like fourteen books ago, but nothing holds a grudge like Jessica Wakefield's vagina.

These are supposed to be sixteen year old kids! DeeDee looks positively middle aged! Real Housewives of Sweet Valley howareya. Also, Bill looks like an Eighties Aryan villain of some sort. That's a sinister jawline if ever I saw one.

At school, DeeDee and Bill end up having a massive row and breaking up and of course Elizabeth just HAPPENS to be nearby and runs into DeeDee right after Bill has stormed off.

Just then Elizabeth walked into the lounge, "DeeDee!" she said, startled. "What's wrong? You look terrible!"

Fucking hell Liz, put the boot in anyway.

Elizabeth tells DeeDee to try talking to Bill again when they've both calmed down. She does so, but Bill says he needs more time. "He just wasn't ready to be shackled again." Ouch. Without Bill to pester, and with her self-esteem at an all-time low, DeeDee starts plaguing Elizabeth looking for help and advice with the sets for the talent show. Elizabeth already has loads to do and DeeDee is driving her cracked, so she and Patty come up with a plan to help DeeDee realise that she can do this, get her confidence back and take her mind off Bill in the process.

Elizabeth calls DeeDee and tells her that she's sick and can't come into school and asks DeeDee to take over setting up the show. After a chaotic organisation meeting where everything seems to be going wrong, DeeDee eventually gets into the swing of things, sorts out all the problems that have sprung up and starts to enjoy design work again. She has a chat with her mother, who explains that the divorce happened because she and her father had become different people and it wasn't because she had her own interests. DeeDee ends up throwing herself into the work and becomes so busy that when Bill calls one evening she doesn't even come to the phone because she's painting and in the zone.

The night of Jessica's free gaff party arrives and it's all going rather well, until Drake and his friends show up "reeking of beer" and end up taking the party up more notches than Jessica is ready for. The neighbours complain about the noise and two cops show up at the door, looking for someone over the age of eighteen who can take responsibility for the party, when Steven materialises out of a nearby hedge.

"I'm over eighteen," a familiar voice said behind Sergeant Malone. The next minute Steven Wakefield stepped out of the shadows.

Spoopy Steve.

As the Wakefield kids survey the damage after the party, they discover that a floor plan for a big important job their mother is working on has had beer spilled all over it and it was the only copy. (Although if it's actually that important then it seems pretty unlikely that it's the only copy, but whatever.) Jessica rushes over to DeeDee the next morning to see if she can replicate the drawings somehow. She apologises profusely for trying to sabotage her and Bill and DeeDee is way, WAY too nice to her.

"You don't have to apologise just to get me to help you."

Ehh, YES SHE FUCKING DOES. And the only reason she actually IS apologising is because she needs a favour, you can be sure she wouldn't bother her perfect size-six hole otherwise. DeeDee comes back to the house with her and redraws the plans in half an hour (HA!) just in time for the Wakefield parents to arrive home. Jessica ends up having to tell them about the party anyway though, because a fancy crystal vase got smashed. After being angry with her for all of four seconds, Ned and Alice forgive her and Jessica continues to lead her consequence-free life, despite being a terrible person.

The talent show goes really well and DeeDee gets a big round of applause for all her hard work. She's back to her old, confident self and she and Bill make up during the show, now that she's an independent woman (throw your hands up at me).

Olivia Davidson was the first entrant in the show. She played a love song on her guitar, and she sang in a sweet, clear voice that made tears come to DeeDee's eyes.

Fucking Olivia and her fucking guitar. I swear to god.

Eventually it's Todd's turn, but instead of doing a stand-up routine like he said he was going to, he goes all Buzz Killington and recites a Christina Rossetti poem about sorrow and death, because it turns out that he's moving away from Sweet Valley and is apparently a massive diva. He breaks the news to Elizabeth afterwards and we end with them holding each other and crying. CLIFFHANGER!

Notable outfit:
There were no outfit description in this one at all, which quite frankly just isn't on. So I'm going with the little intro we got for Dana Larson, who is always a delight.

She was a tall, pretty girl with a short, New Wave haircut, a dynamic smile, and a funky, offbeat wardrobe.

YES. TELL US MORE PLEASE.

Things I counted:
Number of pages:153
References to the twins' blue-green eyes: 9
References to the fact that the twins are blonde: 4
References to people crying: 26 (It's mostly DeeDee. She does a LOT of crying.)

Sweet Valley High Revisited - Super Edition: Perfect Summer

Right, it's Super Edition time you guys, because this one appears to have been the next book published, although it seems that number 22 in the series picks up where Runaway left off, so this is a standalone story that sorta jumps out of the established timeline. Just go with it.

(Also, please throw my new Facebook page an aul like, as I've managed to go and lose all my previous likes by getting kicked out of the account and page I had been using. Sigh. So that's where you'll find me on Facebook from now on.)

Sweet Valley High Super Edition: Perfect Summer
 

It's summertime and the Wakefields are going on a month-long bike trip along the California coast with Todd, Annie, Lila, Olivia, Roger, Bruce, Bruce's friend Charlie who we've never heard of before and Barry Cooper, the principal's nephew from Ohio. Chaperoning this trip are sexy Roger Collins and also-sexy Nora Dalton, teachers who have split up recently and are apparently willing to give up a month of their summer holidays to cycle around with their ex and the students they see every day. Yup. Sounds like literally none of the teachers I know. And I know a LOT of teachers. My extended family is like 80% nurses and teachers. Why yes, I *am* a culchie, however did you guess?

So, everyone arrives at the school with their bikes and all their gear, and when Chrome Dome Cooper pulls up in his car, everyone is excited to see what his nephew looks like. It's Sweet Valley, so everyone expects him to be a Grade A Ohio ridebag and nothing less, as only beautiful people are allowed into this town, but UH OH. Looks like border patrol were caught napping, because poor ol' Barry is a bit of a chubster.

All eyes were on the pudgy, pale-faced boy who waddled out.

Pudgy. Pale. Waddled. WADDLED, like. HE JUST GOT HERE, LAY OFF.

Elizabeth felt a sinking sensation in the pit of her stomach. She suspected that Mr. Cooper's roly-poly nephew had come all the way from Ohio for a whopping big dose of trouble.

Roly-poly! Fuck you, Liz! Immediately before this, Jessica refers to him as a toad and Lila calls him a loser. All of these insults get tossed at Barry in ONE PAGE. It's basically pre-diet Robin Wilson all over again.

The gang sets off on their bike trek and go camping, taking turns to cook dinner, light the campfire, cycle with the group equipment and so on. Elizabeth writes letters to Enid that get us up to speed on what everyone's deal is, such as the fact that Annie Whitman and Ricky Capaldo broke up recently and Charlie seems to fancy Annie, Bruce being mean to his cousin Roger, because Roger's a Patman now, Mr. Collins and Ms. Dalton being frosty to one another and Barry being a hopeless misfit, slow at cycling and incapable of doing anything right.

Barry Cooper had just emerged from the tent he had shared with Mr. Collins (the fuck, Roger?) and was trying, without much luck, to stuff his sleeping bag - as bulky and inappropriate for camping as Barry himself was - into a sack made for a much sleeker kind of sleeping bag.

AS BULKY AND INAPPROPRIATE FOR CAMPING AS BARRY HIMSELF WAS.

Apparently only skinny people are good at camping. How DARE he sleep in a tent, and he a fat kid. CAMPING IS FORBIDDEN FOR FAT PEOPLE. WAKE UP BARRY.

After a few days of cycling and camping, the group arrive in Los Angeles, where a friend of Bruce Patman's dad, Steve Thomas, has offered the group the use of the grounds attached to his fancy mansion. So instead of putting them up in what is clearly a massive fucking house, the kids and teachers have to camp in his garden. Thanks for nothing, Steve. Mr. Thomas has a beautiful but obnoxious daughter named Courtney, who's rude to everyone, including her dad, and has a no-good, motorbike-riding, mowhawk-sporting boyfriend called Nolan, who wears leather wristbands and is quite clearly Bad News. Nolan turns up when Courtney is supposed to be showing the Sweet Valley group around, so she calls the SV kids a bunch of goody-goodys and takes off on the back of Nolan's bike.

Mr. Thomas later confides in Roger Collins and Nora Dalton (who he's literally just met) that Courtney is a bratty pain in the hoop and asks if they could take her with them on the rest of their expedition, as it might do her some good to be away from LA and around some wholesome team players who don't wear leather. For some reason, they agree to take his nightmare daughter with them and the next day Courtney is suddenly all sweetness and light and fresh blueberry muffins. Everyone is amazed at her transformation, but Jessica isn't fooled, as she's still annoyed, nay, OUTRAGED at being referred to as goody-goody.

"Nobody calls me a goody goody and gets away with it." You tell 'em, Jess. How VERY dare she.

Courtney charms the whole group, but Elizabeth isn't entirely convinced by her sudden personality change either and is none too happy that she seems to be sidling up to Todd quite so much. The group leave LA with their new member, and Jessica and Lila pretty much immediately begin to scheme and plan for a way to get Courtney off the trip. Neither of them are buying Courtney's act and Jessica can see that Courtney's play for Todd is making Liz miserable. Todd, however, is totally oblivious and is just being friendly as far as he's concerned.

The group arrive at a youth hostel, and Jessica spots a guy "too gorgeous for words", so naturally, she must have him. She later finds out from other kids staying at the hostel that his name is Robbie October (!!!) and he's cycling along the coast with his brother Danny. But, the other kid warns, they're "totally wild" and were kicked out of the first hostel they stayed in for throwing beer bottles out the window. Rock 'n roll, Robbie!

Meanwhile, Courtney is writing a letter to Nolan, outlining her fiendish plans to steal Todd away from Elizabeth, as having a good boy like Todd by her side will somehow lead to her being allowed to come home early from the bike trip. She's going to make up a bunch of stories about a troubled home life and is pretty much seconds away from an evil cackle the whole way through the letter, as she is a Bad Gal.

It turns out that Jessica and Lila's dastardly plan to get Courtney to leave the trip involved secretly putting lime jelly in the bottom of her sleeping bag to gross her out. However, Lila got the sleeping bags mixed up and put the jelly in Nora Dalton's one by mistake. Jessica thinks she did it on purpose, because Nora has gone back to dating Lila's dad and Lila is none too happy about it.

Jessica writes a letter to Cara Walker, bitching about Courtney and I'm really only mentioning it because of this line in it:

What's absolutely incredible is that all she has to do is toss her mane of hair and smile, and everyone buys her act. Especially boys.

Which is hilarious, because that's BASICALLY YOU, JESSICA. It's so funny how any other girls that come into these books and act exactly like Jessica does are cast as devious villains. I mean, flirting with someone's boyfriend is a quiet day for Jessica, but when Courtney does it she's pure evil.

Ooh also, while she's giving out about Courtney throwing herself at Todd and Todd being too dopey to see what's going on, she writes:

"Somebody ought to give both Todd and Courtney a sound spanking!"

DAMN GURL. I'm not sure that would play out quite the way she intends.

Look at Elizabeth on this cover! SO pretty! Well done, cover artist for not making her look like she's forty like they usually do. Her high-waisted shorts are super cute, but a frankly terrible idea for cycling, as they would 100% end up wedged up your hole. Jessica looks like an eejit.

Anyway, the gang are staying in another hostel and Jessica and Bruce are on dinner duty, when Lila bursts into the kitchen to talk to Jessica about their plan to get Courtney to leave the trip. Jessica leaves Bruce chopping onions, and he is decidedly not impressed.

"Next time I'm going to remember to bring my cook along when I go away," he mumbled.
Jessica sighed. "Honestly," she said when they were out of Bruce's earshot, "he's as bad in the kitchen as you are. What do you people do on the servants' night off, anyway?" 
Lila looked Jessica straight in the eye. "Cold lobster and caviar," she said earnestly.

COLD LOBSTER AND CAVIAR. Lila Fowler you magnificent bitch. I love you.

Lila wants to back out of the plan to sabotage Courtney's trip, because Courtney's stories about problems at home and her father being an alcoholic have made their way around the group and Lila doesn't want to pick on her anymore. They have a bit of an argument because Jessica doesn't believe a word of it, but their disagreement is cut short by the appearance of none other than Rock 'n Roller Robbie October. Jessica gets her game face on and runs up to him, throwing her arms around him while exclaiming "Bart! Bart Templeton!", because player gotta play. After acting all embarrassed at her "mix-up", it turns out that Robbie is off to a bar in the next town, like the bad boy rebel he is, and asks/dares her to come with him. He also acts like she's a total square for being on a group bike trip with all their "rules and chores and people looking over your shoulder all the time", but come on Robbie, cycling along the California coast with your brother isn't exactly the work of a hellraiser. Before Jessica can decide if she's going to ditch her kitchen duties, Bruce interrupts, telling her to knock off "the enchantress act" and come back to help him. Robbie leaves, Jessica is distraught that she's missed her chance with him and in a move completely inconsistent with his character, Bruce is really sweet and funny with her because she's so upset.

Lila gets chatting to two boys in the hostel (called Pat and Don, which makes them sound like a pair of fifty year old men), who recognise Ms. Dalton as Beth Curtis, a French teacher who used to work at their school in Arizona and mysteriously left town a year and a half ago. Lila finds out that Nora Dalton was married to some rich dude who killed himself when she left him and then uses her knowledge of Nora's secret identity to make her do stuff like carry the pots and pans when it's actually Lila's turn and other incongruously small-scale things, considering she's blackmailing her teacher.

For one of the stops on their trip, the gang end up setting up camp in an unused greenhouse owned by a random kindly lady in return for doing some chores in her flower shop. They all sleep in this old greenhouse for the night, which seems like a fucking outrageously terrible idea. I mean it's bad enough waking up in a tent at Electric Picnic on a vaguely sunny morning, sweating your actual face off, nevermind a GREENHOUSE in CALIFORNIA in SUMMER. YOU'LL BE COOKED ALIVE, YOU FOOLS. Anyway, this merry band of idiots are delighted with their sweatbox camp for the night.

Todd held Elizabeth close as he hummed along with the guitar Olivia had brought with her. On the other side of the old greenhouse, several of the kids sat around Olivia in a circle, singing as she strummed.

Fucking Olivia. There's always one. Also, this means that she's been cycling for this entire trip with a guitar strapped to her back, just so she can inflict Blowin' in the Wind on her mates. Which is what she's playing at this point. Goddammit Olivia.

Later that night, when everyone's asleep, Elizabeth wakes up to hear Courtney crying and notices that this LA bitch has also maneuvered her sleeping bag so she's lying on the other side of Todd. Before Elizabeth can say anything, Todd wakes up and comforts Courtney, stroking her hair before they both go back to sleep holding hands. Fuck. This. Girl. Also, extremely uncool Todd. Come on, dude.

The next day, Todd and Liz have a big row about Courtney, Todd insists that they're just friends and that Liz should be more sensitive towards Courtney, what with all her alleged family problems, but Liz reckons that he crossed a line. They can't manage to agree on anything and the row escalates to the point where they break up and Liz is left alone, crying into the spaghetti sauce she's making for everyone's dinner.

Weirdly, no one seems to have noticed that golden couple Liz and Todd have broken up, and the group have moved along the coast to a state park campground in Big Sur, where Jessica manages to run into that rebel on a pedal bike, Robbie October. The fact that on this occasion she's "barely covered by a copper-coloured bikini" and expertly throws a frisbee back to Charlie Markus means that she actually gets Robbie's attention this time and they arrange to meet for a night-time hike when the Sweet Valley group are asleep so Jess can sneak away.

"I'll bet you're a night person, anyway." She arched one eyebrow suggestively.
Robbie took another careful look at her, his gaze caressing every inch of her. "You're right!" he said finally. "I am a night man."

Aaaaand now I have to leave this here. (Trust me, this is hilarious if you watch It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.)


The next morning, everyone wakes up but there's no sign of Jessica. Elizabeth eventually gets it out of Lila that Jessica had planed to meet Robbie to go see some waterfall in the middle of the night. Todd knows where the waterfall is, so Mr Collins tells him to take Elizabeth along one of the paths to it, and he'll check the other route with Charlie, Roger and Barry. (Mr. Collins gently tries to talk Barry out of coming, because he's fat and slow, you see.) Courtney says she wants to help too, so she goes with Todd and Elizabeth and proves to be totally useless, screaming at the sight of a tiny water snake and moaning that she's getting a cold because it's been raining while they've been searching. Todd thinks they should go back to the camp if Courtney's getting sick, and Liz is like "eh, no, I'm going to keep looking for my sister, obviously". It looks like Todd is going to have to choose between Elizabeth and the crafty bitch that's trying to steal him away, but just in time, the other group shows up, so Liz goes with them and frostily tells Todd to take Courtney back.

Meanwhile, Jessica and Robbie are trapped in a cave with a black bear because they got lost on the way to the waterfall and ended up in the cave when it started raining, without realising it was already occupied. The group that Liz has joined then comes across the cave and see what's happened. Charlie goes to throw a rock at the bear, like an idiot, and Barry stops him, because the bear is just trying to protect her cubs and black bears aren't usually violent, unless confronted.

Elizabeth and Mr Collins exchanged a look of total astonishment. Who would have guessed that under his insecure, butter-fingered pudgy exterior, Barry was an expert on animals?

Jesus Christ, maybe people who AREN'T terrible? Just because he's heavy doesn't mean that his only interests are cake and sandwiches, you DICKS.

Also, while they're taking this moment to get some digs in at Barry, despite the fact that he's actually being helpful and stopping Charlie from making the situation worse, let's take a look at some of the other ways this book and its characters has referred to him, since Liz's "roly poly" thought, up till now.

"tub of lard", "butterball", "jelly belly", "awkward, heavy-set boy", "big fat klutz","slow as molasses"

Real nice kids, that Sweet Valley group.

Anyway, Barry then runs at the bear and gets her to follow him while he tries to lead her away. Jessica and Robbie get a chance to come out of the cave and the bear doubles back when she hears one of her cubs crying. Mr Collins then runs over, "scooped the exhausted boy up and hoisted him over his shoulder", which seems unlikely if Barry is as hefty as the book is constantly telling us. Unless Mr Collins is built like The Rock or Terry Crews. After the incident, everyone is really sound to Barry and Jessica even kisses him on the cheek and deigns to give him some of her valuable attention. Because if you're not sexy, you have to literally save someone from getting eaten by a bear to get any respect from these assholes.

That night, after everyone is gone to sleep, Courtney wakes Todd and tells him she has to talk to him about her father. While she's waiting for him to get dressed, she smokes a Marlboro (because she's evil) and we find out that she called her father a few days ago and convinced him to let her come home after saying that she missed him and that Todd was going to come back with her. Steve Thomas has agreed to let her leave early, because he thought Todd was the best guy ever when he met him, so Courtney's plan has all fallen into place. When Todd comes over to her, she finishes her cigarette, "carelessly flicked the rest of it into the bushes behind her" and tells Todd that she has to go home because she's "so worried" about her dad and his drinking and he just sounds worse and worse every time she calls home. She convinces Todd to come back to LA with her, kisses him and says that they can leave the following day.

Later that night, Elizabeth wakes up and smells something burning, because OH NO, FOREST FIRE. Everyone scrambles to try to put the fire out, Lila is freaking out and when Nora Dalton tries to calm her down, she starts screaming about how Nora just goes around ruining people's lives, like her husband's, and Roger Collins is like "Husband?! Wtf!?" but now is really not the time you guys. The group work together and eventually put the fire out. Afterwards, Roger Collins asks Nora what the this whole husband business is about and she tearfully tells him that the man she married turned out to be horrible and violent, so she left him and when she wouldn't come back to him, he killed himself. His wealthy and powerful family then turned on Nora/Beth and said they'd ruin her life if she told anyone what he was really like, so she fled and changed her name to get away from them. It also turns out that George Fowler knows this family and realised who Nora really was, so he was blackmailing her into dating him or something. It's pretty dark, but they sort of breeze past that bit. Anyway, Nora, or Beth as I'll have to call her now, unless they pull an Armin Tamzarian on us, makes up with Mr. Collins and they get back together.

In the meantime, Elizabeth is blaming herself for the forest fire, as she was the one responsible for putting out the campfire that night. She has a heart-to-heart with Mr. Collins and tells him all about Todd and Courtney and that Todd is no longer her boyfriend.

"The astonishment on his face was clear. And it was no surprise. Elizabeth and Todd had been the first to agree when people said they were a perfect couple."

Insufferable.

Mr. Collins then tells Elizabeth that Steve Thomas sent his daughter on this trip to get her away from Nolan Ruggers and they agree that neither of them believe a word of Courtney's sob story. The group reassembles and Beth Curtis has been telling everyone about her true identity, even though it's none of their goddamn business. Afterwards, Liz confronts Courtney in front of everyone, pushing her on the real reason for her being on the trip. Todd jumps to her defence and Liz tells everyone that she's leaving the trip too, because the fire was her fault. Everyone is astonished and about to cry because if the group is losing Saint Elizabeth, they might as well have all died in the fire. Todd then pipes up about Courtney and her nefarious fag-smoking ways, prompting her to lose her shit and start screaming at everyone, showing her true colours. EVIL COLOURS. She gets sent to stay with her aunt, Liz and Todd are reunited, Patmans Roger and Bruce are all good, Annie and Charlie have hooked up and everyone has a nice time for the reminder of their trip.

It was actually a pretty sucky summer overall, so the title seems like a bit of a misnomer here.

Notable outfit:
There wasn't much in the way of fun outfits in this one, seeing as the group had to carry whatever clothes they packed while cycling, so Courtney gets this one for her ensemble at the send-off dinner her father hosts in the mansion before the group departs from LA.

She was swathed in an exotic Indian silk sari, shot through with gold threads. Her hair was gathered loosely off her face, but a few stray black curls cascaded softly down around her shoulders. To complete her outfit, a pair of crescent-shaped hammered-gold earring dangled from Courtney's ears.

GAWD Courtney, cultural appropriation, much? Inapprops.

Things I counted:
Number of pages: 249
References to the twins' blue-green eyes: 10
References to the fact that the twins are blonde: 5
References to Todd's coffee-brown eyes: 6 (Get in there, Todd!) 

Sweet Valley High Revisited - Runaway

Shall we check in with those crazy kids in the Valley they call Sweet? Let's!

Sweet Valley High #21: Runaway 
 

The twins are in Jessica's room, bickering over a new blue silk blouse (foncy!) that Elizabeth bought and Jessica borrowed without asking, when their brother Steven arrives home from college. It turns out that he's dropped out for the rest of the term because he hasn't gotten over Tricia's death. Apparently that was only a few months ago, although we've been through nine books since then, which is why it feels more like years, rather than months, have passed.

Jessica feels a momentary twinge of guilt over what an absolute wagon she was to Tricia when she was alive, giving us some inkling that she may not actually be 100% blonde hair and pure evil. Of course, Jessica's attempts to ruin Tricia's life and make her own brother Steven miserable are breezily dismissed as "well-intentioned tampering", because this bitch just gets a pass on everything.

In any case, the twins decide to invite Steven to a party at Cara's house in an effort to cheer him up a bit and Elizabeth talks Jessica into being the one to do the asking. The Wakefields gather for dinner, and Ned has been on cooking detail, the massive dreamboat.

Her father, wearing an apron over his shirt and tie, was standing at a counter and fussing over the salad. On anyone else, the apron might have been comic, but Ned Wakefield was the kind of man who looked good in almost anything.

Alright ghostwriter, put your pants back on.

At dinner, Steven is distant and quiet but when Jessica brings up the party, he flies off the handle at her, thinking that she's trying to set him up with Cara again and accusing her of trying manipulate everyone's life, before furiously storming out. Then Ned and Alice have a go at Jessica for being insensitive, and only lay off when Elizabeth explains that it was actually her idea and that they didn't mean anything by it. Jessica is filled with righteous indignation, as her parents never yell at Elizabeth and she's always the one getting in trouble, so she flounces off to Dairi Burger to meet Cara.

While there, she runs into Nicky Shepard, a fast car-drivin', longish hair-havin', Shady Lady drinkin' bad boy who's a quiet, mysterious loner at school, yet is built like a football player. Sounds legit. He flirts with Jessica, and she reckons she sees a fragility or something in his eyes, so she's fascinated.

Cara's party is in full swing the following night, and while Steven eventually agreed to go, he's moping in the corner while everyone else is apparently having a wonderful time.

In one corner a group of people were playing Trivial Pursuit.

ROCK ON, KIDS.

Fed up with Steven's glum demeanour and everyone generally talking about how brilliant Elizabeth is, Jessica stomps out to the back garden and runs into Nicky. He smokes a cigarette and talks about how his parents don't care about him, that his dad works all the time and his mother is constantly busy with his younger brother Danny, who has asthma, so she never has time for him. Like, just get that kid some Ventolin and everyone chill. Be grand. Anyway, Jess and Nicky bond over feeling unwanted and they end up kissing and then dancing up a storm back inside, scandalising their square-as-fuck fellow students. They end up leaving the party together, while Elizabeth and Steven look on disapprovingly.

The next day, Elizabeth tells her parents that she thinks something is up with Jessica, as she's been withdrawn and passive, but Ned and Alice aren't concerned, and while they admit that she hasn't seemed like herself lately, it seems like "a change for the better". BURN! Alice, you shady bitch. Elizabeth then points out:

"It may be nice, but it just isn't Jessica."

HAA! SUCK IT, JESS!

Elizabeth then confides in Steven that she thinks something is up with Jessica. He tries talking to Jess but it all goes a bit wrong and they end up arguing, leaving Jessica feeling sad and like everyone prefers Elizabeth to her. In an effort to show that she's changed, Jessica makes dinner for the family but they all make jokes about how she gave them all food poisoning the last time and when Ned starts talking about an ongoing court case involving Ricky Capaldo's family, he dismisses Jessica's opinion and is all ears when Elizabeth chips in, and even invites her along to the hearing so she can write about it for the Sweet Valley News. (Sure why wouldn't the local paper want a sixteen year old writing their court reports?) In any case, all the Elizabeth-love makes Jessica feel even more like no one wants her around.

Fed up, Jessica goes out alone for the evening and runs into sexy Nicky being a sexy loner, sitting on the bonnet of his car, like a lukewarm Sweet Valley James Dean. He takes her to a gazebo in the town's oldest park, a place he likes to go to but has never shared with anyone else. However, Jessica is special, and she sees how sensitive he is while they bond some more over being misunderstood. He then confides in her that he's got a plan to run away to San Francisco and go into business with his friend Denny.

Hang on.

San Francisco?

DENNY?


WHAT KIND OF DRUGS, DENNY?

(If you have no idea what I'm talking about, I must insist that you watch The Room. You won't regret it. Although a few drinks probably wouldn't go astray.)

The next morning, Elizabeth is all set to join her Dad at the courthouse for the hearing and tries to get Jessica to come with her, but she's not having it and they end up arguing. Ned and Elizabeth head off to the hearing, and the paper has agreed to print Liz's articles about the case, because of course they'll want a sixteen year old court reporter when she's a Magical Wakefield. The deal with the case is that Ricky's parents got divorced and his father upped sticks and stopped paying child support. As a result, Ricky's mother is struggling and is trying to stop the grandparents on the dad's side from seeing Ricky and his sister, in the hopes that they'll pressure their son to pay up. Unsurprisingly, Ricky is none too pleased that his classmate is writing a story about his family troubles for all to read in the local newspaper, and he angrily asks Elizabeth not to write the story.

That evening, Jessica is at a party with Nicky, but this one doesn't have kids playing Trivial Pursuit in the corner. Oh no. This one has beer and joints and punky girls called Sheila with bright red hair and too much eyeliner. Jessica ends up telling Nicky about all her arguments with her family and how she feels like they don't want her around, so he asks her come to San Francisco with him when he leaves in a few days time. She decides that she couldn't leave, so Nicky tells her to think about it and they leave the party together. He's had a few beers but doesn't seem drunk, so Jessica reluctantly lets him drive, and in a twist that will surprise no one, they crash into a telephone pole on the outskirts of Sweet Valley.

Neither of them are hurt, and when Nicky calls his parents, they're furious with him and more concerned about the damage to the car, never once checking to see if their son and his friend are ok. They drop Jessica home, who manages to get out of it without her parents finding out, and that night she resolves to talk to her family and get everything out in the open the following day.

Unfortunately for Jessica, everyone else is super busy and has places to be the next morning, resulting in a series of conversations where each family member that she tries to talk to goes running out the door in a hurry. When she's finally left alone in the house, Jessica calls Nicky, who reveals that he's leaving town that night, as things have gotten so bad at home after the car crash, so Jessica decides she's going to follow him to San Francisco the next day. She tells her family that she's spending the weekend at Lila's house, packs up her shit and writes a suitably melodramatic note to Elizabeth, beginning with "By the time you get this, I will be far away", where she apologises for all the trouble she's caused and tells everyone she loves them. Jessica realises that she's only really leaving a note in the hopes that they'll come and find her, because she doesn't actually want to go. But hey, attention doesn't grow on trees. She leaves the note in her bedroom, but as she closes the door, a breeze knocks it over and it falls down behind the dresser it was left on. Ooooh, you jerky dramatic effect breeze!

Jessica looks like she's going to the gym in her Jennifer Beals from Flashdance jumper. But she's VERY SAD ABOUT IT. Also, there's hardly anything in that bag.

Meanwhile, at the courthouse, Ned's case to help Ricky's grandparents retain the right to see their grandchildren isn't going super well, as Ricky and his sister appear to support their mother in her decision. At one point during Ned's closing argument, Ricky walks out of the courtroom. His girlfriend Annie goes to follow him, but "Elizabeth stopped her with a look". Which seems unlikely really, I mean I know she's a Wakefield and all but have a seat bitch, this does not concern you and Ricky is not your boyfriend. Anyway, Elizabeth finds Ricky crying in the corridor and when he cuts her off to angrily tell her that she has no idea how he feels or what this whole ordeal has been like for him, the little wagon GETS MAD AT HIM. She essentially calls him a quitter and says that he's hurting his grandparents when all they've ever done is love him and other tough love pep talky stuff.

When Elizabeth reenters the courtroom, Ned is winding up his argument and comes over all Helen Lovejoy, "Think of the children. The children. That's what's really at stake here. Think of them." And right when the judge is about to wrap things up in favour of Ricky's mother, Ricky comes back in and interrupts proceedings to say that what's happening isn't right and that it isn't fair to any of them.

When he caught Elizabeth's eye, he smiled.

Oh PLEASE. Can't her meddling ever just backfire for fuck's sake? The judge takes the lot of them into the back and they all reach an agreement between themselves, so Elizabeth saved the day yet again by wading into other people's issues uninvited and waving her big wooden stirring spoon of honesty personified around.

When Elizabeth gets back home, she goes into Jessica's room to return a scarf that she borrowed and immediately realises that something is very wrong, as Jessica's chocolate-brown painted room is perfectly tidy and the wardrobe is completely empty. She alerts her parents, who have just arrived home and they rush to call Lila to see if she knows anything. Then Steven turns up, so Alice informs him of the news.

His mother turned to him from her chair. Worry lined her youthful face.

Yes, we get it, Alice could PRACTICALLY be their older sister, so gorgeous and un-aged is she. Lila has no idea where Jessica is, so Steven suggests that she might be with Nicky. Elizabeth and her dad head over to Nicky's parents house, but his mother is rude and unhelpful, eventually admitting that they haven't even tried looking for Nicky because they're a shower of bastards.

Meanwhile, Jessica is mournfully sitting in the bus station, waiting until the very last bus in the hopes that she'll be rescued from the public transport nightmare (if pop culture has taught me anything) that is American buses. Deciding that her family don't actually care about her, she resigns herself to her runaway plan and boards the bus. Back at the house, Steven is on the phone to a guy who's in with Nicky's crowd and finds out that he's gone to San Francisco, which must be where Jess has headed.

Steven and Elizabeth drive to the bus station and discover that Jessica just got on the last bus, as they see it pull away. They race the bus to the next stop in Carver City and catch it just in time to run onboard and find Jessica and then cry all over each other. They bring Jessica home and everything is great. Woooo.

Notable outfit:
Caroline Pearce was looking fly as fuck at the Trivial Pursuit party:

Her soft, ivory skin seemed to glow from within, and the green jumpsuit she was wearing set off her red hair and green eyes dramatically.

Get it, Car.

But I really must give a shout-out to Elizabeth's courtroom hack outfit:

Elizabeth was dressed like the perfect reporter in a smartly tailored tan suit. 

She wears this with a green scarf tied around her neck, borrowed from Jessica. No sixteen year old girls' wardrobe is complete without a tailored tan suit. Murphy Brown realness.

Things I counted:
Number of pages:169
References to the twins' blue-green eyes: 5
References to the fact that the twins are blonde: 3 (Aw. But they're SO BLONDE! And SUNKISSED!)

Sweet Valley High Revisited - Crash Landing!

After all that board-game excitement and boyfriend thievery, I suppose it's time to see what's been going down in Sweet Valley town. And this one has an exclamation mark in the title, so you just KNOW it's going to be good.

Sweet Valley High #20: Crash Landing!


Enid Rollins is in the air in a two-seater Cessna with her boyfriend George, on his first flight as a qualified pilot. She's having a lovely time, but George is wracked with guilt because he has to break up with her after this, having fallen in love with Robin Wilson, who used to be fat, as we are constantly reminded. But before George can come clean, there's a problem with the plane's engine and they go crashing into Secca Lake. George is knocked out from the impact and Enid saves his life by pulling him out of the cabin before the plane sinks, but damages her spine in the process, resulting in her losing all feeling in her legs.

The pair are rescued by the emergency services, while Todd and a bunch of Sweet Valley students watch from the lakeside, where they had been having a picnic and playing football like the sexy, wholesome teenagers they are. I particularly enjoyed this exchange between Todd and Ken Matthews (I almost typed Ken Adams there, and that's what happens when repeat episodes of Friends on Comedy Central are the background noise of my life):

"Does anyone know what happened to the people in the plane?" Todd continued, worried.
"We don't know yet," Ken Matthews said, soberly. 
"But it's not just people, Todd. According to Robin Wilson it's Enid Rollins and George Warren."

AND GODDAMMIT, SWEET VALLEY HIGH KIDS ARE SO MUCH BETTER THAN REGULAR OL' PEOPLE WHOSE EYE COLOUR DOESN'T EVEN GET MENTIONED EVERY EIGHT SECONDS.

Jessica and Elizabeth are in the police station after the whole Jessica-almost-being-murdered thing and hear about the accident on the police radio, prompting Jessica to exclaim "I'll die if anything happens to Enid!" Which, as we all know is BULLLLSHIIIIITTTTTT seeing as Jessica has slagged Enid off in every single book so far, deliberately tried to ruin her reputation and constantly wishes that Elizabeth wasn't her BFF.

They all rush off to the hospital to find that George is fine but Enid is now paralyzed from the waist down. George is utterly miserable and decides that Enid must never find out about him and Robin and that he's going to stay with her now because he blames himself for what happened.

Meanwhile, Jessica and Lila have signed up for a gourmet cooking class because Lila has been banging on about how important it is to know how to make "elegant dishes" (says the girl with actual servants) and talked Jessica into joining her. It's awkward at first but they make up quickly after the events of the last book, because "Jessica was too good a friend to stay mad at for long" (wuh? Jessica is a TERRIBLE FRIEND. She literally JUST STOLE YOUR BOYFRIEND.)

Anyway, the teacher arrives and he's a sexy French dude called Jean-Pierre, so naturally Jessica is immediately on high alert. He's "the handsomest man she'd ever seen" (in this book anyway) and is all crooked smiles and charm and sexy Frenchness.

On the way home in Lila's lime green Triumph (so amazing), Lila tells Jessica that Robin Wilson has broken up with her boyfriend for some other guy and as they're passing Robin's house they see George Warren coming down the driveway to his car. Escandalo!

Robin wasn't actually home and George was calling over to tell her that they can't see each other anymore and he's staying with Enid. In any case, Jessica runs to Elizabeth with her wrong end of the stick and tells her what she saw, launching a Sweet Valley High cold war against Robin. The next day at school, Jessica and Cara are frosty and mean to Robin, with Jessica justifying it afterwards as them doing what they can to help Enid. Because bullying someone is the perfect way to help Enid. Of course.

This bit is swiftly followed by yet another reminder that Robin used to be fat and a line with a message so outrageously bad it's actually hard not to laugh.

A strict diet-and-exercise regime had helped Robin to become one of the prettiest girls in the junior class.

NOOO! STOP THAT! BAD GHOSTWRITER.

Anyway, Jessica continues to justify being horrible to Robin, with the following logic:

Fair's fair, she told herself. Robin shouldn't see George behind Enid's back. And that's all there is to it.

Because she's clearly forgotten EVERYTHING THAT JUST HAPPENED.

Poor Robin doesn't understand why her friends are giving her the brush-off and can't figure out why Jessica and Cara seem to be mad at her.

I'm just getting paranoid, Robin decided, looking hungrily at the ice-cream Cara had left uneaten in her bowl.

LOOKING HUNGRILY. Because lest we forget, Robin Wilson is nothing if not a walking bag of food issues and a fat bird at heart. However, even Elizabeth is short with her when she asks how Enid is doing, so something is definitely wrong when even Saint Liz won't give her the time of day. Afterwards, Robin eats a massive slice of chocolate cake with ice cream on top, because "it wouldn't matter if she did get fat again" now that "it didn't look like she had any friends left to notice". Goddammit ghostwriter, don't make me come over there.

ENIIIID! I am highly enjoying everyone's t-shirts on this cover. Although considering that Elizabeth wasn't there for the crash and she doesn't actually see Enid until she's in hospital, I'm not sure what's going here, unless Elizabeth is after sneaking into Enid's room to prop her up while she's asleep. Much weirder stuff has happened in these books.

Elizabeth visits Enid in hospital, but George is there and it's all a bit tense and awkward. Elizabeth mentions the upcoming school dance and Enid becomes all sad and wistful that she's going to miss it. The school has so many dances though, it's a wonder they can get through a single curriculum, so there isn't really anything to be too worried about on that front. Elizabeth feels guilty about keeping the truth about George and Robin from Enid and George feels terrible too, so as it stands, everyone is miserable.

Everyone except Jessica, who's still eye-banging her sexy cooking teacher and has come up with a plan to surprise her parents with a spectacular and romantic dinner on their wedding anniversary. This is because Jessica forgets it every year and then feels like an asshole when Elizabeth gives them some thoughtful and meaningful present. But really, what kind of jerk sibling doesn't give you a heads-up if they're getting your parents a cool gift for a special occasion, especially when you're all living in the same house? Liz is the asshole here.

Robin persuades Elizabeth to meet her in Casey's after school, because she's lonely and sad and needs someone to talk to, as everyone in school is freezing her out. She actually says "You're my only hope!" I see you, Star Wars fan ghostwriter. I see you. Robin orders a sundae and immediately regrets it, telling Liz that she's started to put weight back on.

"You look fine to me," Elizabeth fibbed. As a matter of fact, Robin did look as if she'd gained some weight.

FUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUU! Elizabeth Wakefield, the Obi Wan of quietly judgemental bitchery.

Elizabeth tells Robin that she's been avoiding her because she feels awkward about the whole her and George thing and Robin insists that they haven't even spoken since they both decided to stop seeing each other unless Enid gets better. Elizabeth is having none of it and storms out, leaving Robin and her sundae alone together, at last.

Enid has an operation on her back that all went well, but she's still in a wheelchair, even though the doctors said she should be able to walk again now. Elizabeth decides to host a dinner party for Enid, George and Todd at her house, because an integral part of being a Sweet Valley teenager is to act like a fucking middle-aged married couple. There's even classical music on in the background. It turns out that Enid has been skipping physical therapy and feels like there's something up with George, who is all quiet and nervous, so the whole evening ends up being weird and tense.

Meanwhile, Jessica has resolved to ask Jean Pierre to be her date to the dance, despite the fact that he's well into his twenties and that's surely the type of thing that'll put your name on some kind of register. However, before she gets the opportunity to ask him and make a show of herself, his gorgeous redhead wife appears, which thankfully puts an end to that scheme.

The night of the dance arrives, Jessica is looking foxy and tanned in her cream coloured dress, Robin Wilson is definitely getting fat (She really looks like she's gained some weight, Jessica thought critically) and then Enid shows up in a wheelchair and a hush falls over the whole gym like it's a wild west saloon, because the kids at this school are dicks.

Enid is super self-conscious and tells George to go dance with someone. The idiot goes and dances with Robin and apparently it's obvious to everyone that they're in love. Things haven't been right between George and Enid since the crash, so she figures out what's going on and confronts him, confirming her suspicions.

A few nights later, Jessica makes dinner for the family as a trial run for her surprise anniversary dinner for Ned and Alice, but manages to give everyone food poisoning with dodgy clams. FINALLY, something that Jessica isn't spectacular at.

Enid's mother calls over to see Elizabeth, because she's worried about her daughter's lack of progress, and of course even the adults in Sweet Valley come to Elizabeth Wakefield for help. Mrs Rollins explains that Enid's spine is physically back to normal and she should be able to walk by now, but the doctors seem to think there's some kind of psychological block stopping her from recovering fully. Elizabeth then drops over to Mr Collins at his house to pester him outside school hours for help, because being a teacher in Sweet Valley is a 24/7 job. Which must suuuck.

The Wakefields go out for dinner once they've all recovered from Jessica poisoning them, and she's getting fed up of everyone taking the piss out of her disastrous cooking. Then to top off her bad mood, Elizabeth surprises Ned and Alice with tickets to a dinner-theatre evening for their anniversary on Friday. Dick. So Jessica's secret plan to make dinner for them goes tits up and nobody seems to care when she tells them about it. Womp womp.

Elizabeth has come up with a plan to jolt Enid past her mental block and get her out of the wheelchair, so she invites her over to the house one evening. She's recruited Mr Collins' six year old son Teddy to take part in this mysterious plan, which turns out to be her leaving Teddy and Enid alone for a few minutes in the back garden and having Teddy PRETEND TO DROWN IN THE POOL.

WHAT THE FUCK LIZ. NO.

Anyway, her insane plan works and Enid jumps out of her chair to save Teddy (who can actually swim really well) and everybody is super happy because Enid can walk again. Enid then cuts George loose so he can be with Robin and later that day everyone goes to Casey's for ice cream or whatever and Elizabeth gets a STANDING OVATION when she walks in. Because even when you've overcome a psychological hurdle and propelled yourself out of a wheelchair to save a drowning child, Elizabeth Wakefield is somehow still the hero.

Notable outfit:
Another disappointing lack of hilarious dresses and ruffles and whathaveyou, so this one goes out to the ever-foxy Mr. Collins and the Robert Redford head on him.

That night Mr. Collins looked even more dashing than usual in a white linen jacket and navy blue trousers.

You forgot to be on a yacht, Roger. With Don Johnson.

Things I counted:
Number of pages:151
References to the twins' blue-green eyes: 8
References to the fact that the twins are blonde: 6
Amount of times people bite their lip: 7 (We're almost getting Fifty Shades of Grey levels of lip biting up in here.)

Sweet Valley High Revisited - Showdown

Oh it feels amazing to be free of EL James and her woeful writing! I had to take a bit of a break there to shake off the sense of despair that 50 Shades instills in me. Now I'm back and it's high goddamn time we checked in on the denizens of Sweet Valley and see what Elizabeth and Jessica have been up to. I bet it involves them being spectacularly beautiful. Let's do this thing!

Sweet Valley High #19: Showdown


The Wakefield twins are doing the dishes after a family brunch on a Sunday and discussing a pool party that Lila Fowler is throwing later that day. You see, she has a new boyfriend and as Elizabeth notes, "she probably invented this whole pool party just to lure him over to her house and show him off to everyone". That's exactly what Lila is up to, but Elizabeth laughs "good-naturedly" after saying as much, because she's a wonderful person you see, and wasn't being bitchy because that's just not possible. She's honesty personified, after all.

Jessica, however, is already on a mission to steal Lila's new boyfriend, without even having met him. Lila screwed Jess over at the end of the last book by only getting her a D in the term paper she wrote for her after losing a bet and Jessica swore she'd get back at her. Although even if none of that had previously gone down, I expect Jess would still try to poach this dude anyway. ♫ That's what frenemies are forrrr... ♫

So everyone is at Lila's mansion and hanging out by the pool, Elizabeth and her "lithe, tanned body" are making out with Todd and his "lean, muscular build" because they're both just SO FREAKING SEXY, Nicholas Morrow and Winston Egbert are having doggy paddle race in the pool and Olivia Davidson is playing her guitar under a tree somewhere like the goddamn hippy she is.

Lila's new beau eventually shows up and his name is Jack, he's super handsome and wears Lacoste shirts and Top-Siders (which I had to Google and appear to essentially be Dubarry shoes). When Jessica spots him, she leaps into action, whipping off her robe to reveal a tiny turquoise bikini and backflips into the pool like a fucking pro. She then calls Lila and Jack to join her and notes that Lila's shiny black bikini is as skimpy as hers and that "Lila's trim figure was almost as good" as Jessica's. Almost. All the money in the world can't buy those sexy Wakefield genetics, Fowler!

Jack charms everyone at the party, but doesn't really talk about himself and gets all squirrelly and flustered when Nicholas Morrow says he looks familiar and tries to figure out if they've met before. Jessica eventually gets Jack to herself when Lila has to answer the phone (it's the servants' day off, you see) and tells him to give her a call sometime. They're in the Fowler mansion foyer and there's no pen or paper nearby, so Jess grabs a book of matches, strikes one, blows it out and writes her number on the inside of the cardboard cover with it. It's a small detail but I love it, because Jessica appears to be the MacGyver of hooking up with cute boys.

However, it turns out that Jack is actually a construction worker, which makes Jessica back off for a while, because ew, Jessica Wakefield couldn't possibly be seen with a mere manual labourer. She might get poor on her. You'd think Lila would have a similar attitude, but she reckons there's more to Jack that he's not telling her. Later on, when all the guests have gone home, her suspicions are confirmed when Jack tells her that his father is a very powerful man and was trying to run his life for him, so he left home to see if he could make it on his own. They arrange to meet up the following Friday, as Jack can't go out during the week, what with work and all.

"I'd love to." Lila's smile was as genuine as the diamond pendant hanging around her neck.

SHE'S EXTREMELY WEALTHY, YOU SEE. IN CASE THE EARLIER MENTION OF SERVANTS DIDN'T GIVE IT AWAY.

Lila promises not to tell anyone Jack's secret, but that night when she's alone in her room with her pale blue princess phone, she simply can't resist confiding in Cara Walker, so naturally the next day at Sweet Valley High, everyone thinks Jack is a runaway prince or something.

At lunch, Lila mentions that Jack is taking her out that Friday night and Jessica is furious, because all it should take is her saying hello to give a dude a permanent boner, so what the hell is up with Jack? By the by, Lila has a "butter and caviar sandwich" with her for lunch because OF COURSE SHE DOES. She also mentions that her father is angry with her for having a party while he was away and all his fancy cufflinks and tie pins have mysteriously gone missing. HMMM. WHO COULD POSSIBLY BE RESPONSIBLE?

During the week, Jack calls Jessica and arranges to meet up with her on Wednesday night, because no-one is impervious to the sight of Jessica Wakefield in a bikini. Elizabeth isn't so sure about Jack though, she has a funny feeling about him and wonders what kind of a guy "would date two girls at one time". Jack and Jessica go for a romantic walk on the beach and Jessica is already convinced that she's in love.

Meanwhile, Elizabeth has taken over editing The Oracle, while Penny Ayala is out sick with mono. A mystery photographer has been taking hilarious candid pictures and leaving them outside the office, so Liz brings them with her when she calls over to Penny's house to discuss the upcoming issue. Penny's little sister Tina answers the door and when Liz introduces herself, Tina replies:

"I know". Tina grinned. "Everyone at Sweet Valley High has heard of you and Jessica."

It's all quite eye-rolly. But then I realised that while the Wakefields would probably be the kind of teenagers that are famous on Instagram and have Tumblr blogs dedicated to them and their perfect hair, they're most likely well-known due to the near-death motorbike crash, the kidnapping incident, the bar fights and the false rape accusations. I assume.

While Penny and Liz discuss the articles for the paper, they mention one that Robin Wilson has written about the flying lessons she's been taking. Penny is impressed with Robin's writing and had no idea that Robin wrote so well. What follows is...odd.

"She used to write all the time" Elizabeth explained, "before she lost all that weight. Remember? When she was the butt of everyone's jokes instead of the girl all the boys want to date?"

HEY REMEMBER WHEN ROBIN WAS SO FAT AND DISGUSTING THAT THE VERY APPEARANCE OF HER NAME WAS SWIFTLY FOLLOWED BY A MENTION OF HER FAT ARMS OR HER IMMEDIATELY EATING AN ENTIRE CHEESECAKE?

Well, it turns out that she was good at writing, as well as cheesecake-eating, but now that she's skinny and hot, she doesn't need no stinkin' creativity! WRITING IS FOR FATTIES.

Jessica hasn't told anyone that she went on a date with Jack and she's been avoiding Lila because she can't bear to hear her going on about Jack like he's all hers. Lila is meeting him that Friday for a date and Jessica is convinced he's going to finish with her, so she's none too pleased when it turns out that they hung out all weekend and are the talk of the school.

Jessica looks like she's about to BATE the head off Lila, possibly using her weirdly massive jawline as a weapon. Lila looks lovely and perfectly stuck-up.

However, Jack calls a few days later and arranges to meet Jessica for another midweek date. Liz asks Jessica if he's explained what's going on with Lila yet, which sends Jess into a huff until they descend into a tickle fight for some reason. The doorbell rings and Jessica is horrified that Todd is calling over to sniff some glue with Liz, no wait, STUDY, I meant study with Liz, because he might find out that Jack is seeing Jessica. It turns out that both boys are waiting outside as they arrived at the same time, so Jessica's secret is out. Jack is all charming and handsome as per usual, but Elizabeth notices that his eyes are red and when she makes a lame French joke, he doesn't get it, despite previously saying that he was fluent in French. VERY SUSPECT.

Jessica's wallet goes missing during the date and Jack convinces her she must have left it at home. He also insists that he and Lila are just friends and promises that he'll make that clear to Lila that weekend. Jessica is satisfied with this so they go make out at Miller's Point, where all the Sweet Valley teenagers go to have sex in their cars.

On Thursday night, Elizabeth is finishing off the issue of The Oracle that she's been working on, and runs into Tina Ayala in the corridor outside. It turns out that Tina is the one who's been taking the great photos and leaving them under the office door, because she didn't think her older sister Penny would take her seriously or some such nonsense. This whole subplot is really just a means for Elizabeth to see a particular photo that Tina took out on the airfield. And it's a photo of Robin Wilson (you know, used to be a big giant fat girl? Ate a lot of ham?) and George Warren (Enid's boyfriend) "locked in a heated embrace!"

Meanwhile, Jack has no intention of breaking up with Lila and they spend their next date drinking wine in the Fowlers' outdoor sculpture garden like a pair of forty year olds.

"Mmm," Jack said, swirling the wine in his glass and savoring its bouquet, "this wine is almost as exquisite as you are. But not quite."

This dude is meant to be like seventeen or eighteen. I'm not buying it. No teenager is that into wine. They should be drinking alcopops and they know it.

Anyway, they say that they love each other and end up getting engaged, but it has to be a secret because Jack doesn't want his father to find out where he is. By the way, Lila doesn't even know this guy's last name.

Elizabeth decides to confront George and Robin about their shenanigans, so she drives out to the airfield on the afternoon that the flying class are getting their pilots licenses. After the ceremony, Elizabeth approaches them and they end up explaining that they've fallen in love and never meant for any of it to happen like this. George says that he's planning on telling Enid that night after bringing her up for a spin in the plane and Robin says she's already ended things with her boyfriend, Allen.

Lila is supposed to be meeting Jack for a special celebration that night, but she's got the flu and has to cancel. So Jack arranges to meet up with Jessica instead and tells her that he's levelled with Lila, prompting Jessica to come into Elizabeth's room to gloat about her victory.

"I mean why would any guy want to spend time with Lila, when he could spend it with me?" She ran her fingers through her hair in an imitation of a femme fatale.

"Ah, yes, my dear, you are so bee-you-tee-ful, they are breaking down the front door just to get a glimpse of you. In fact, you are almost as bee-you-tee-ful as me." Elizabeth mimicked Jessica's femme fatale imitation perfectly.

Then they both collapse into giggles over how beautiful they both are. They're just so relatable.

Jessica and Jack go for pizza and run into Nicholas Morrow and a friend of his called David. Jack gets all weird again when he spots the two of them and scares Jessica a bit with how angry he suddenly becomes. He reels it back in and when they've finished he practically runs out of the place after paying the bill. Jessica stops to say hi to Nicholas on her way out and then agrees to go back to Jack's place with him, thinking she might find out more about him.

Nicholas tells his friend that he thinks he knows Jack from somewhere and eventually they both figure out that he previously went to school with them and got kicked out for robbing a girl he was dating at knifepoint. As in, he robbed her at knifepoint. He wasn't dating her at knifepoint. That would be extremely difficult. YOU LOOK LOVELY! HERE ARE SOME FLOWERS, BITCH!

Nicholas and David drive to the Wakefields' house, hoping that someone there might know where Jessica and Jack are headed to next. On the way there, David explains that Jack's family died in a boating accident and afterwards Jack started doing drugs and making up stories about how rich and powerful his family are and would steal stuff to keep himself well dressed and looking like a rich kid, but would fly off the handle if anyone asked too many questions.

They find Elizabeth and fill her in on what's happening, so they all rush off to find Jessica before it's to late. After checking a bunch of places, Elizabeth calls Lila to find out Jack's address and ends up having to tell her all about how Jessica has also been seeing him and about Jack's lies and violent tendencies. Elizabeth eventually gets the address after some shrieking and a horrified cry or two from Lila.

Meanwhile, Jessica is poking around in Jack's bathroom, looking for some clues about his background, as his apartment isn't giving her anything.

She'd never been in an apartment quite this gloomy before.

I have to wonder if she's ever actually been in an apartment before at all, though. It seems like only poor and/or shady people live in apartments in Sweet Valley. Anyway, she finds a box filled with "all kinds of drugs" (I kinda love how vague that is) under the sink and figures that this must be the reason for Jack's strange behaviour. Instead of making her excuses and leaving, Jessica bursts into the living room, brandishing the box and demanding to know what's going on. She catches Jack rooting through her bag and realises that he took her wallet and stole Mr. Fowler's cufflinks. Jack loses the rag, lunges at Jessica and starts choking her.

Elizabeth, David and Nicholas arrive just in time and break down the door, only by then Jack has a knife and they all end up in a mad tussle. Jessica manages to break free and CHEERLEADER-KICKS THE KNIFE OUT OF JACK'S HAND. It's actually kind of amazing.

And the game was finally up for Sweet Valley's mystery prince.

And he would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those pesky kids.

Notable outfit:
This one is not particularly hilarious, in fact it sounds kinda nice:

Jessica stood in the middle of Elizabeth's cream-coloured bedroom and modeled a slinky, royal blue dress. It fell softly to just below her knees, with a slit up both sides to mid-thigh.

It also sounds a bit slutty, which makes no sense as it's meant to belong to Elizabeth and she usually dresses like a Victorian babysitter. It seems like Jessica is the only one who wears Elizabeth's sexy clothes.

Things I counted:
Number of pages: 150
References to the twins' blue-green eyes: 9
References to the fact that the twins are blonde: 6