Sweet Valley High Revisited - Playing With Fire

While it may not look like it, this post was very nearly a disaster of the unmitigated variety. I had just gotten stuck into book three of the series in ebook format and all was going to plan. There was a dance contest at the school (of course), Lila was wearing a yellow dress that "looked like it had been ripped right from the pages of In Style" (In Style? Ok, maybe it's been around since the Eighties, thought I), however, there seemed to be a suspicious lack of hilarious outfits but then we got to the school band playing onstage and shit got real, because these guys were called Valley of Death. VALLEY OF DEATH? Stall the fucking BALL, who the hell are these jokers?

Next thing I know, it's being explained that the dance competition used to be totally lame but "since all the crazy reality TV dance competitions started popping up, it had become one of the most popular events of the year". Reality TV? In the Eighties? I BLOODY WELL THINK NOT.

It turns out I was reading a 2008 rewrite. I would have flung it across the room in disgust, only I was reading it on my iPad and that probably wouldn't be the best idea ever. Let me tell you, the town of Sweet Valley in 2008 is a frightening and unfamiliar place. For one thing, Bruce no longer drives his black Porsche, he now has a Cadillac. Are Porsches not cool enough anymore or something? Dairi Burger has mutated into Casa del Sol, a burritos and nachos Mexican restaurant. What the hell was wrong with burgers? People still eat burgers, you rewriting jerks! As I've already pointed out, The Droids are now called Valley of Death. Ugh. WORST. NAME. EVER. As if that wasn't bad enough, it describes drummer Emily Mayer's outfit thusly: "Her dark hair was combed into her face and her eyes were rimmed with black kohl liner. She was wearing a faded black t-shirt with a red peace sign on the front and baggy shorts with combat boots." You IDIOTS! The Droids dress like Jem and The Holograms, not like My Chemical Romance rejects! For shame, ghost writing lady. FOR. SHAME.

Anyway, the day was eventually saved by eBay and my slightly panicked snapping up of the first six books of the series. So here we go, the untainted, unspoiled, un-mobile-phones-being-awkwardly-shoehorned-in-at-every-opportunity version of book the third.

Sweet Valley High #3: Playing With Fire


So, big dance contest hoo-ha. It seems that the very fabric of Sweet Valley High would be under serious threat if there wasn't a dance of some sort held at least once a week. Thanks to Elizabeth's dastardly revenge plot at the end of the second book, Jessica has to attend the dance with nerdy Winston Egbert, as they're the reigning king and queen of something or other. Jessica is all huffy because she wants to dance with the minted and handsome Bruce Patman and Winston keeps stepping on her foot. We're also introduced to Robin Wilson, who has the audacity to want to be friends with Jessica and who, by the sound of it, is the only fat person in all of Sweet Valley. The way the book describes her is actually so cruel and unnecessary, practically every mention of her has some reference to her size - "the overweight girl", "running as fast as her plump legs could carry her", "the pudgy girl standing before her" - Jesus, alright Francine, we get it, you hate fat people. Way to fuck with preteen reader body issues. Anyway, Bruce eventually swoops in and rescues Jessica from Winston's left-footedness with his nifty dance moves, lifting her high in the air and spinning her over his shoulders because it seems that they're actually Johnny Castle and Baby. Naturally, they win and Jessica ditches Winston to go off to Ken's house party with Bruce, after Elizabeth does the requisite bit of nagging her to be careful.

At the party, when the group all go for a splash in the lake, Jessica and Bruce swim away from the rest to grind against each other like dogs in heat. They're having a watery shift when suddenly Jessica realises that Bruce has UNTIED HER BIKINI TOP. They're up to their shoulders in water and all but still, it's totally SAUCY you guys. The book even says the word breasts! Can you HANDLE the SCANDAL? THIS is why these books were barred from certain households in the early Nineties. Jessica begins to back off a bit, so Bruce essentially calls her a prick tease and even though Jessica wants to slow things down a notch, they sneak off to the woods together because logic is for losers.

Elizabeth comes over all Helen Lovejoy, clutches her pearls and follows them into the trees to save Jessica from having sexy fun with the handsome boy she likes. She reminds me here of the Joan Rivers-voiced lady version of C-3PO in Spaceballs and her Virgin Alarm. Jessica tells Elizabeth to fuck away off and stays out all night with Bruce like the horny teenager she is.

The next morning, Elizabeth is moping over breakfast while Ned and Alice give us a little insight into their seemingly perfect relationship. Alice reads in the paper that George Fowler is expanding his business so she decides to show him her interior design portfolio, seeing as that's her job and all. It turns out that Ned has heard that the job is going to some big firm in San Francisco and never mentioned it to her because it didn't seem important. "She was unhappy with her husband's lack of interest in her work, but she had no desire to make an issue of it on this bright, clear Sunday morning." And it seems that she never gets the desire to call Ned out on his disinterested bullshit, because that's the last we ever hear of it. Fuck you, Ned Wakefield!

In the meantime, aka Subplot-land, The Droids are all excited because a record company rep came to their gig at the dance competition (he wore red leather pants. RED LEATHER PANTS) and said he's going to be their manager and make them famous.

Jessica starts spending all her time according to what Bruce wants to do, skips classes to indulge in a spot of frottage on school grounds, collects dry cleaning for him and stops going to cheerleading practice because he thinks cheerleading is stupid. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but according to every piece of pop culture ever, high school boys are all about the cheerleaders, no? Well, not in Bruce's case anyway. He's also going around the school saying he gets whatever he wants, when he wants it from Jessica because she's a total hobag. Meanwhile, Jessica acts like a simpering doormat to keep Bruce happy, because he seems to like his women braindead. She's all excited about playing tennis with him, but he gets really annoyed that she's better at it than he is, so she throws the match to keep him sweet. By sweet I mean mentally abusive. She also changes the way she dresses, going on a shopping spree for the most boring clothes ever. A matching brown wool blazer and skirt and two oxford shirts, to be precise. I actually missed the diabolical sociopathic Jessica at this stage. I mean, yeah she was out of her devious mind most of the time, but at least she wouldn't ever let an Eighties douchebag cliché order her around.

He's even got a jumper over his shoulders, which is the universal symbol of smug twats worldwide. He also has Jessica in some manner of choke hold, but hey, who doesn't enjoy a little light choking now and again?

For some reason, Jessica makes plans with Robin (who is fat by the way) to give her a makeover (because she's so fat and all) but blows her off because Bruce whistles for her so she comes running. Elizabeth invites Robin out to a Droids gig that's been organised by their fancy red pants wearing manager. They go along with Todd and Winston, but the club is a dive and hardly anyone shows up. Everyone has a miserable time and it turns out that Mr. Red Pants actually just wanted to get into lead singer Dana Larson's sparkly and/or velvet pants and never had any intention of making The Droids a nationwide success. It seems like a lot of effort for a grown man to go to just to get the ride off a high school student, but whatever.

Boring New Jessica eventually comes to her senses on the night of Bruce's birthday party. He ignores her for the entire shindig, dancing with every girl at the party except her. The party then moves to Guido's for some pizza, but after making a call at the payphone, (in the stupid new version, his mobile goes off and his ringtone is This is Why I'm Hot. Barf.) Bruce announces to Jessica that he has to go because his grandmother has suddenly been struck down by a mystery illness. Elizabeth smells a rat and offers to take Jessica home and with Todd's help, bundles her off into his crap Datsun. They drive around for a bit and Elizabeth pretends that she's left her keys at the pizza place so they have to go back. When Jessica sees that Bruce's car is still there, she comes in too, only to find that Bruce has been joined by some random redheaded hottie. Jessica finally snaps out of her Stepford stupor, throws a pizza slice in Bruce's face and dumps a soda over his head, causing him to topple backwards into the restaurant's indoor fountain. Revenge, Wakefield style. He emotionally abused her, made her change her whole personality and fucked her around the entire time, but it's ok now because he's got cheese on his shirt and he got wet. Yeah. Although I am actually glad that the deranged psycho Jessica is back. Yay!

Notable outfit:
"Dressed in a bright blue, skin-hugging mini-dress and matching tights, Jessica was an eye-catching sight."

I'm sure that anyone who went to a school dance dressed as Smurfette would be an eye-catching sight.

Things I counted:
Number of pages: 149
References to the twins' blue-green eyes: 2 (Disappointing.)
References to the fact that the twins are blonde: 3 (Disappointing x2)
References to Robin Wilson being fat: 11
References to Jessica being "starry-eyed" over Bruce: 3

Sweet Valley High Revisited - Secrets

Between scrambling for second hand copies on eBay and acquiring downloaded pdfs, it appears that I'm managing to get my hands on the first ten or so Sweet Valley High books. Which means that there'll actually be some manner of sequence to this series, temporarily at least. Yay! And with that, onwards to book two!

Sweet Valley High #2: Secrets


It would seem that after suffocating us at the beginning of book one with the "all-American" (what does that even mean?) genetic supremacy of the Wakefield twins, they decided to lay off ever so slightly this time around. Jessica is only referred to as "bewitching" twice, after all. The story kicks off with Jessica desperately hoping she'll be crowned Queen of the Fall Dance, even though there was already a school dance about ten minutes ago. Also, she's totally in love with Bruce Patman because he's rich and hot and drives a Porsche and those are the most important things in life after all.

Meanwhile, Elizabeth and Enid are making cookies in Casa Wakefield (it's a Spanish tiled kitchen, you know) and Enid is all on edge about her boyfriend Ronnie finding out about her TERRIBLE SECRET. Dramatic! Two years earlier, Enid lost the run of herself entirely and started hanging around with a BAD CROWD. She got involved with a ne'er-do-well called George and they did a load of drugs and drinking, culminating in them going joyriding in George's car (is it joyriding if it's your own car?) "stoned out of their minds" (so...they were driving at around six miles an hour then?) and knocking down a little boy, breaking his arm, the hooligans. George was shipped off to boarding school and Enid straightened her life out, becoming the boring sidekick we now know and tolerate.

While she's telling Elizabeth all of this, her thoughts segue into a description about how gorgeous Liz is, lest we forget that even when the story doesn't actually concern them, we should in fact be talking about the Wakefields. So Enid still keeps in touch with George and she's scared of telling Ronnie because he'll freak the fuck out, due to him being a possessive dickhead who gives her shit for talking to anyone male about anything ever. She shows one of his letters to Elizabeth and then they suddenly have a lame pillow fight where neither one of them notices one of the letters falling onto the bedroom floor. THANKS, FREDDIE FORESHADOWING.

Elizabeth's shocked expression = sex doll face. I'm sorry. Also, lavaliere necklaces! Yay!

At school, Jessica is busy being furious that her sister has the cheek to be friends with someone as boring and nerdy as Enid, and at one point even says "what if someone thought it was me hanging out with Enid?" Just to hammer the point home that Jessica is a terrible person and all. She's also got her knickers in a twist over Enid because she's somehow her competition for the Fall Dance Queen thing and Ronnie is head of the dance committee and Jessica seems to think everyone is as mental and devious as she is. I'm not quite sure what the deal is with Enid being her competition though. If pop culture has taught me anything (and it has), it's that the popular, bitchy girls are the ones that get nominated for these things. So surely Jessica's friends or the other sorority girls would have been more likely? If I was Lila Fowler I'd be all kinds of pissed off about it. So anyway, Jessica finds one of George's letters in Elizabeth's room (I DID NOT see that coming) and obviously does the most psychotic thing possible, leaving a copy of it in Ronnie's locker in an attempt to ruin Enid's life over a temporary and ultimately meaningless title.

Anyway, as expected, Ronnie breaks up with Enid, but not before getting all grabby in the car and being generally awful to her. While he's berating her about George, she covers her face with her hands while crying, so he "pried them away, forcing her to look at him. His fingers bit into her wrists, cutting off the circulation". What the HELL Ronnie!? Let go of her, you horrible fuckbag! Maybe Jessica was actually doing her a favour, in her own skewed, sociopathic way.

Over in sub-plot land, there's a rumour circulating around the school that foxy French teacher Miss Dalton is screwing Ken Matthews, one of her students. The rumour was started by Lila, because Miss Dalton is actually dating Lila's father so she's jealous due to her raging case of daddy issues. It all comes to a head when someone leaves a message on the classroom blackboard that reads: IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A FRENCH KISS IS, ASK KEN MATTHEWS. Which is so pathetic I'm amazed that the teacher herself didn't break her hole laughing at how lame it is. Instead she runs off crying and doesn't show up in school for a while.

Anyway, seeing as Elizabeth was the only person that knew about George, she gets the blame and Enid stops talking to her, which confuses Elizabeth no end. She confides in Jessica, who tells her that she's better off without Enid and then dashes off to a party at Lila Fowler's house to eyefuck Bruce Patman. How and ever, it turns out that Bruce is busy hanging out at a college party and apparently bringing a nineteen year old bird to the upcoming dance. I can't speak for anyone else, but when I was nineteen, I'd have been MORTO if I was going out with a sixteen year old boy. Anyway, when Jessica hears all this and realises that she wore her ribbed burgundy sweater dress (hot!) for nothing, she talks Ronnie into taking her to the dance, presumably so he'll swing the votes for Queen in her favour and with Bruce being a shoe-in for King, they'll totally hook up for lots of fun sexytimes. PROBLEM. SOLVED.

At school on Monday morning, Jessica tells Elizabeth that she'll talk to Enid in an effort to fix their friendship. Of course, seeing as Jessica is FUCKING INSANE, all she does is pretty much tell Enid that it WAS Elizabeth who ratted her out to Ronnie and then proceeds to twist the knife by telling her that Ronnie's being going around calling her a dirty whore since the breakup. Later that day, after hearing them on the phone, Elizabeth asks Jessica why she's going to the dance with Ronnie, so she passes it off as an attempt to get him back together with Enid. Oh, and this exchange all takes place while Elizabeth is doing her homework, which happens to be a paper on Julius Caesar. HEAVY HANDED METAPHOR ALERT, BITCHES.

The day of the big dance, the twins are instructed to clean their rooms and while doing so, Elizabeth discovers George's letter to Enid. Using her mad Jessica Fletcher skillz, she finally deducts that it was her unhinged sister that told Ronnie about George. Of course, instead of confronting her like a normal person, Elizabeth begins to plot her revenge. Seeing as the last book established her unique brand of crap vengeance, she's probably just planning to hide Jessica's hairbrush or something.

In the meantime, newly-single Enid has decided to stop feeling sorry for herself and go to the dance even though she no longer has a date. While she's getting ready, the doorbell rings and who should appear, only George all dressed up in a fancy blazer and slacks. He heard she was now single and conveniently, he's now a great big ride and is taking her to the dance so they shift the faces off each other. While her Mam is still there from what I can gather. Anyway, yay Enid!

At the dance, Enid apologises to Elizabeth and they make up. Elizabeth then spreads a rumour that Jessica is hot for nerdball Winston Egbert, the other nominee for Fall Dance King, so Jessica gets crowned Queen and to her horror, Winston is announced as King, and not Bruce like she expected. That's it. Elizabeth strikes again. Retaliation is definitely not her strong point. Oh and Miss Dalton turns up at the dance, has a bop with fellow hot teacher Mr. Collins and everyone just gets on with their lives with no need for an investigation into the salacious and potentially career-destroying rumour that was buzzing around. Yay sexy Miss Dalton!

Notable outfit:
"Tonight she was decked out in tight black velvet jeans, a pair of sparkly pink leg warmers and a purple satin blouse." 

Dana Larson, you glorious glam rock creature. NEVER CHANGE.

Special mention must go to Jessica and the trashiest swimsuit of all time, though:

"She wished she was at the beach instead, soaking up the rays in the bronze, wet-look, one piece she'd bought the week before at Foxy Mama."

A wet-look swimsuit. Jessica, you total GENIUS.

Things I counted:
Number of pages: 176
References to the twins' blue-green eyes: 4
References to the fact that the twins are blonde: 6
Eye colour mentions in general: 18
Mentions of the word "tears": 25

Sweet Valley High Revisited - Double Love

Just to keep things confusing, the second part of my Sweet Valley High Revisited series deals with the first book. Like I said before, I'm doing this as I get the books, so the order isn't going to make any sense at all, m'kay? Let's do this!

Sweet Valley High #1: Double Love


The story begins with Jessica Wakefield whinging into the mirror about how fat and disgusting she is. But FEAR NOT fellow mortals, for we are immediately reassured that Jessica is in fact preternaturally beautiful. This being the first book of the entire series, the descriptions of the soon-to-be-legendary Wakefield hotness are particularly heavy handed. For example, we are informed that Jessica's reflection is actually that of "the most adorable, most dazzling sixteen-year-old girl imaginable". Those are the actual words used. She's just SO RELATABLE. When all her moaning causes her twin sister Elizabeth to doubt her looks, a glance in the mirror quickly sets everything to rights again. "If Jessica were such a hopeless case, she might be in trouble, too. But the image she saw reflected in the mirror was hardly cause for alarm." PHEW. Bullet. Dodged.

Anyway, the school's superhot basketball star Todd Wilkins rings the house looking for Elizabeth. But Jessica answers the phone and immediately proceeds to cockblock the fuck out of Liz by lying about her being in the shower so she can't come to the phone and gloats to Liz afterwards that Todd wanted to wish her luck with getting into some sorority that day. Now, I thought that sororities were a college thing in the States, but then again, Sweet Valley doesn't exactly adhere to reality at the best of times. So Elizabeth gets all quietly upset because she fancies Todd but now she thinks Todd likes Jessica and not her. "And why not? What girl could possibly compete with the dazzling Jessica Wakefield?" Hmm, well let's see...HER IDENTICAL TWIN, PERHAPS? Elizabeth is already being an infuriating pushover and it's only page eleven.

Look! It's the EXQUISITE LAVALIERE NECKLACES! They're just boring gold pendants. What a non-event. Also, note that Jessica is quite clearly the slutty, wayward twin with her edgy stonewashed denim jacket, while Elizabeth is being all sensible and sincere in her wooly jumper. Jumpers = Sincerity

The twins go about their day at school and Todd arranges to meet (not meet meet, just actually meet) Elizabeth that evening after class. However, Elizabeth is running late and by the time she gets there, she sees Todd getting into the car with Jessica. So instead of being furious with Jessica for abandoning her, leaving her to walk home and OBVIOUSLY hijacking her hook-up with Todd, her heart sinks and she gets all emo about it, instead of strapping on a pair, telling Jessica to cop the fuck on and asking Todd why he bailed on her. The next day at school, the place is abuzz with the news that Jessica and Todd are Sweet Valley's hottest new couple, causing Elizabeth to cry like, ALL THE TIME and mope about how she won't stand in their way and "do the decent thing. Die." Oh my GOD, Liz. Meanwhile, Jessica repeatedly hints to Todd with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer that she wants him to take her to the upcoming dance, but Todd keeps asking if Elizabeth has a date. To deter him from her sister, Jessica makes her out to be a cock hungry skank, saying she's always rushing off to meet guys and she can't keep up with her trampy schedule. When he still doesn't get the hint and ask her to the dance, Jessica storms off home and decides to walk there, swinging her hips so creepy guys will pay her attention from their cars and she'll feel validated. Insert facepalm.

Enter Rick Andover. He's cool and dangerous, he dropped out of school and has an eagle tattoo, so you KNOW he's bad news. She gets into his car after this dynamite chat up line: "Pardon me, Heaven - which way to Mars?” Be still my beating knickers! Nothing gets a girl going like astrally inclined direction requests. Am I right, ladies? He drives her home, saying that he makes a habit of "knowing where all the foxiest chicks in Sweet Valley live". Which doesn't at all sound like something a sex offender might say. The next night he takes her out to a scuzzy roadhouse bar called Kelly's, gets shitfaced after ONE shot of whiskey and starts a bar fight. The cops show up and an officer takes Jessica home, but mistakes her for Elizabeth. I sense a classic mix-up here, folks.

The school gossip overhears the cop calling her Elizabeth when she gets out of the car, so the big scandal in school the next day is that Elizabeth Wakefield was arrested for starting a riot at Kelly's. Rather than seeing that it might make her kind of a badass, the school's population act like she murdered someone and unquestioningly buy that it was the boring, sensible sister that did it, rather than her CARBON COPY who is always pulling shit like this. Elizabeth confronts Jessica who then does precisely fuck all to dispel the rumour, while Elizabeth just bends over and takes it, even hugs her all tearful later, telling her how wonderful she is. Are you KIDDING ME Elizabeth? These girls are MESSED. UP.

Meanwhile, the twins think their lawyer father is screwing his work colleague, Marianne, who they keep referring to as a "divorcée", because you just know that being a "divorcée" makes her a no-good, sex-crazed, Ned-stealing homewrecker. Also, the Patman and Fowler dynasties are scrapping over the school's football field because the school is run by incompetent halfwits who allowed the lease to run out and now both families want to buy the land and build a decorative garden or a factory on it, respectively.

Anyway, while everyone at school is giving Elizabeth a hard time and banging on about how "unforgivable" the whole thing was (Sweet Valley High students are a big self-righteous pint of no craic), Jessica eventually starts to show some signs of a guilty conscience, rather than acting like a remorseless sociopath, and breaks down in front of Todd, telling him it was her that went to Kelly's with Rick. Todd thinks she's being noble and taking the blame for Elizabeth, so he proceeds to shift the face off her and ask her to the dance. Also, he's an idiot. After hearing about Jessica and Todd scoring each other in the middle of the school, Elizabeth cries a bit more and agrees to go to the dance with resident class clown, Winston Egbert. Who, by the way, sounds terrifying in this book. When they decide on a time for him to pick her up, he "turned and raced madly across campus, screaming like a deranged chimpanzee." I'm sorry, WHAT? Does that sound like normal behaviour to anyone else? Yeah. DIDN'T THINK SO.

So on the night of the dance, Todd keeps eyeing up Elizabeth, which winds Jessica up no end. When he takes her home and pecks her on the cheek, she decides that he's humiliated her beyond reason and tells Elizabeth that he tried "just about everything" and that she had to beg him to stop groping her. Guys, Jessica is an actual psychopath. Her boyfriend-stealing attempt doesn't pay off so instead of dealing with it and getting on with her ridiculously charmed life, she cries rape. She's just the WORST kind of person.

Back in school, Todd tries to talk to Liz and tells her that he forgives her for going out with Rick. FORGIVES HER! Who the HELL does he think he is? Asshat. Anyway, Elizabeth keeps ignoring him because she thinks he assaulted Jessica, so suck on that, Toddface.

In subplot-land, the fight over the football field goes to court, with the twins' father representing the school or whatever, along with sexy divorced Marianna. The school wins the case so they get to keep their football field. Yay! Ned announces at dinner that night that Marianna is being made a partner in the law firm, which explains that all the time he's been spending with her was work-related and not sexy divorcée sex after all. Yay! Case closed.

A few days later, Elizabeth and Jessica are driving home from Dairi Burger (what kind of a name is that though? A dairy burger sounds weird. Like a burger of yoghurt. Or cheese. Cheese. Maybe they're on to something, actually) and they notice a car following them. When they stop at a light, they realise it's Rick, who somehow manages to jump into the car and start driving it, because the Wakefields have never heard of door locks. He's drunk and tries to drive them to Kelly's, careening through the Dairi Burger (someone bring me some CHEESE) car park on the way, where Todd happens to be and he sees that the twins are terrified. He drives after Rick and beats the shit out of him outside Kelly's. Elizabeth, who at this point, remember, still thinks Todd tried to rape her sister, is all "whatevs, that was totally hot, Todd" and lobs the gob. Back at the Wakefield house (it's split-level, you know) Todd and Elizabeth work out through brilliant reasoning that Jessica has been lying her ass off to the pair of them, Elizabeth is not actually a dirty whore and Todd did not actually get all grabby with Jess.

Elizabeth then concocts a tremendous revenge scheme against Jessica, where she basically tricks the school into throwing Jessica into the swimming pool fully clothed. That's it. That's her big payback for her psychotic sister who tried to take her boyfriend for herself, lied about him trying to rape her, let the entire school think Elizabeth was a hobag and generally acted like a spoiled, selfish brat the entire time. Yeah, wet hair TOTALLY evens everything out. Elizabeth would be the worst vigilante ever. Murdered someone, eh? Well how do you like it when your ICE TRAYS ARE EMPTY!

Ugh. They both suck.

Notable outfit:
“This sounds like a job for my new tuxedo shirt,” Elizabeth offered. “Could I wear the pants, too?...And the little bow tie?”

*dies laughing*

Things I counted:
Number of pages: 159
References to the twins' blue-green eyes: 8
References to the fact that the twins are blonde: 8
References to Elizabeth's tears/the fact that she's crying: 19
Amount of times people blush:15

Sweet Valley High Revisited - Out Of Control

The other night, while looking through the bookshelves for something to read in bed, I came upon a Sweet Valley High book that I had recently bought while charity shop shopping. It was number 35 in the series, Out Of Control was the title and I thought to myself, "why yes, I'll have some of that". What followed was an immediate nostalgia buzz. The opening line was about Elizabeth Wakefield brushing her blonde hair, with the following pages repeatedly beating me over the head with the fact that she and her twin had the most amazing blue-green eyes OF ALL TIME.

I had already posted about the genetically superior Wakefields here, back when I first heard that Diablo Cody was writing a Sweet Valley High film and then I included Crazy Margo in my list of favourite lady villains here, but I wanted to write about them again. All those long denim-clad legs and peaches-and-cream complexions and insane storylines are just TOO DELIGHTFUL. Which is why I decided to track down as many books from the series as I can and review each one as I read them. They won't be in sequence, as I'll just be picking up whatever I can find, but hopefully that won't matter all too much.

So without further ado, here is the first installment of a shiny new series: Sweet Valley High Revisited!

Sweet Valley High #35: Out Of Control


We are introduced to the Wakefield twins in the usual style and assured of their golden blonde hair, dazzling blue-green eyes and matching lavaliere necklaces. I had to look up what exactly a lavaliere is and it would appear that it's just a fancy way of saying pendant necklace. (Thanks for making that unnecessarily confusing, Francine.) So once we've established what a pair of rides Elizabeth and Jessica are, it transpires that Jessica has decided to get involved in selling Tofu-Glo, a line of natural health and beauty products made from soybeans, which is IN NO WAY a scam.

Elizabeth drives to the school to watch her boyfriend Jeffrey at football training (well, soccer, if we're going to be all American about it) and "deftly" pulls the car into a parking space. I love how they felt the need to say how brilliant she is at parking, for not only are the Wakefields amazing at life, their spatial awareness is SECOND TO NONE.

Anyway, Jeffrey's teammate and best friend Aaron has been super cranky lately and keeps shouting at people for like, no reason and even though Elizabeth KNOWS that this is because his parents are splitting up, she moans about how much time Jeffrey spends with him and can't seem to get her head around why he's still friends with him. Eh, maybe because his best mate is having a really hard time at home, you insensitive wagon. She's also really mean to Aaron's girlfriend Heather, dismissing her as a vain, shallow twit based solely on the fact that she dresses well (too well for Elizabeth - "wasn't it a little elaborate for the Valley cinema?") and wants to be a fashion designer. Elizabeth is in no position to snark on what Heather wears. Just look at the state of her pants on the book cover.

Exhibit A.
Are those even pants? Either way that is one HIGH ASS waistband, woman.

Oh, and Heather has the nerve to try to be friends with Elizabeth, which seems to piss her right off. Doesn't she realise that it's up to The Glorious Wakefields to decide if you're worthy to be their friend, not the other way around? FOOLISH HUMAN. Elizabeth then proceeds to take the piss out of Heather behind her back by doing a cruel impression of her at Jessica's Tofu-Glo party, when all Heather has ever done is have the cheek to be nice to her. I have to say, for the twin that's meant to be the sound one, Elizabeth is a right little geebag in this book.

Continuing in this bitchy vein, Elizabeth then writes an article about Aaron punching a teammate on the pitch during training, explaining how he's going to be booted off the team if he has another outburst. She half-assedly debates whether or not she should publish it, as it'll make Jeffrey and Aaron really mad at her, (Aaron already has enough to be dealing with what with his parents' divorce and all, not that she gives a chocolate covered fuck) but she has some notion that she's a totally hardcore journalist, honour-bound to report the facts and not actually a teenager writing a gossip column for her school newspaper. As expected, Jeffrey and Aaron are pissed off with her and when she and Jeffrey have a big row, she blames Aaron for it! For real! She held him entirely to blame for causing this argument. What the actual FUCK, Elizabeth? However, Heather thinks it might be what Aaron needed to get him to cop on to himself. Elizabeth then realises that Heather is actually really creative and sweet, which is what everyone else who wasn't a judgemental asshole already knew.

To reassure herself that she did the right thing, Elizabeth consults her favourite teacher/school paper's advisor, Mr. Collins. They have a brief exchange where his eyes seem to twinkle an inordinate amount and he playfully says "Oh please! Never call me that!" when she refers to him as an authority figure. Dude, you're a teacher. Cop the fuck on. Also, he winks at her when she's leaving. It's all pretty inappropriate. I got the feeling that if they ever got freaky together she'd probably call him Daddy mid-fuck. Shudder.

In the meantime/story that nobody really cares about, Jessica has sold her Tofu-Glo tat to half the town, who are now demanding their money back seeing as the products are a load of shite and were meant to be kept refrigerated.

ANYWAY. Elizabeth and Jeffrey kiss and make up, but then it all kicks off when they run into Aaron and Heather. Aaron demands an apology from Elizabeth for writing her stupid article, Jeffrey tells him he's acting like a spoiled brat, everyone gets a bit het up and Aaron decks him and runs off crying. Of course, punching his mate now means that Aaron is off the football team. Oh no! There's a big game coming up and everything! Heather talks him into seeing the school's guidance counseller, while Elizabeth lords it over Jeffrey that she was right all along. "Do you believe me now?" Elizabeth asked, her voice gentle. There was no satisfaction in being proven right. Get ta fuck, Liz! You're only loving it! What's the weather like up on that high horse of yours?

So everybody makes up with each other and Aaron goes off to Mrs. Green, the counsellor. They have a chat and when he asks her if she thinks he has an emotional problem, she LAUGHS IN HIS FACE. Where the hell does this high school get their staff from? If they're not creeping on sixteen year old girls, they're taking the piss out of troubled young fellas. Anyway, after she's laughed at him, they straighten the whole thing out and he gets to stay on the football team. Sweet Valley win their big match, Aaron's rage problems seem to have dissolved entirely and everybody's friends again. Yay!

Oh, and Jessica ended up stuck with all that Tofu-Glo crap, in debt and having to pay for it all to be taken away to the dump. BUT it turns out that the twins' dad Ned conveniently made some enquiries and discovered that there's a big lawsuit going on against the company and all the suckers that bought into the scheme are getting settlements, so she gets all her money back plus damages and doesn't have to learn any life lessons. Double yay!

Notable outfit:
Seeing as Heather was the fashionable one who made her own clothes, this is her moment.

The dress, of pale peach cotton, fell gracefully from a dropped waist. A collar made of dozens of overlapping "petals" in white and pink added a lovely flowerlike quality to the otherwise simple design.

Erm, yes. Lovely.

Things I counted:
Number of pages: 154
References to the twins' blue-green eyes: 4
References to the fact that the twins are blonde: 6
Amount of times Elizabeth shakes her head: 13
Appearances of the words "eyes" or "eye": 75