Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Valley Girls

So it appears that one Diablo Cody is set to make a Sweet Valley High movie. Internet folk seem to be divided in opinion that this will either be amazing and clever and a 1980s-set Clueless, or that it's going to be a complete disaster and travesty, quoting the fact that Jennifer's Body made all of $40 (give or take) Stateside as a reason. I for one am in the excited-and-think-it-could-be-awesome camp. I haven't seen Jennifer's Body, but I've read the woeful reviews it's gotten and reckon I'll give it a shot when it's out on DVD. Or download, if I'm to be honest. And I am, see? It might even be a pleasant surprise since terrible reviews tend to remove any expectations you have for a film so that if it makes you laugh even once you'll think, "Hey that was pretty good, actually!". Such was the case for me with Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull anyway. Despite Shia LaFuckface.

I really like Diablo Cody's writing style, I loved Juno (like everyone else in the world, pretty much) and her book Candy Girl, about her year spent as a stripper. So all this coupled with Sweet Valley High? Yes muthafuckin' please!

Growing up, I loved the Sweet Valley Twins series, and graduated to the High School books at the wise old age of whatever I was in 6th class or thereabouts. Ah, Jessica and Elizabeth, the supermodel-hot twins with eyes the colour of the Pacific ocean. Every time, the books would start with lengthy descriptions of the girls and their "long tanned legs", "peaches and cream complexions" and always with the eyes the colour of the flipping Pacific ocean, Alright, they're sexy, we get it! And Lila Fowler, remember her? What a bitch!

Just look at the big delicious Eighties heads on them.
I think someone needs to tell Jessica that Bill is more likely to break
HER heart when he reveals that he prefers to have sex with men.

Fantastic story lines though. The first great one that comes to mind is one that ran for a couple of books about some mentalist called Margo who just so happened to look EXACTLY like the twins, and had a nefarious scheme to KILL ELIZABETH AND REPLACE HER! The diabolical bint! Thrilling stuff it was. And perfectly realistic too. After a quick Googling it turns out that this was far from the only outlandish plot line in the series, oh no. There were elements such as:

* The twins battling a werewolf in London. Could happen.

* Jessica falling in love with a vampire. My, how very Twilight!

* The twins and friends being chased by escaped criminals in Death Valley.

* A former classmate of their mother Alice's luring them to a beauty spa with the intention of stealing Alice's face via a face transplant. WOW! I did NOT come across this one in the local library at the time. I'll bet it was before Face/Off and everything.

* Elizabeth receiving at least three marriage proposals before age 20.

* Jessica having at least five boyfriends who died in the series. She must be riddled. Get checked out, woman!

Christ, Jessica is at it again. The question here really isn't
"Is Jessica as grown up as she thinks she is?",
more like "Is her Freddie Mercury tache-sporting boyfriend
as straight as she thinks he is?"
Answer: No.

So there it is. Any one of those story lines could instantly make a movie. And it appears that some already have, albeit with different characters and settings and whatnot. So bring it on Miss Cody, I think it could be great.


  1. LOL Kitty! Was also a big fan, although fairly embarrassed about their Aryan hotness and how I wanted to be them. Not very cool but very moreish.

    Dudes on the covers totally wrock. Totally.

  2. anyone else think diablo looks a wee bit like Danni minogue there

  3. Sarah - SO Aryan, my God! Oh that Francine Pascal. What was she at.

    Red - It's most likely the hair I'd say. In newer pictures of her she's got it all chopped up and blonde but I don't like it so I've chosen to ignore this development.

    Jelly - It's all VERY exciting.

  4. In fairness, I've had a screenplay featuring those twins in my portfolio for years.
    It's a guaranteed winner.

  5. Maxi - Ah but does it feature any of the REALLY STRAIGHT LOOKING boyfriends? No doubt they've been replaced by strap ons.


    Seriously, I *have* to go see that movie. Make it now, Diablo, now!!!

    Did you ever read the prequel books about the twin's Ma and Da and how they got together? Alice nearly got with Bruce's Da. Shame for her, she would have been super rich.

    Ah those books were amazing.

  7. Oh oh oh! Forgot to say that I once met Francine Pacsal at a book signing in Hughes and Hughes. I asked her why she never wrote any of the books which she politely ignored. Haven't a clue where that books gone. It must be worth at least a fiver at this stage.

  8. That made me laugh and laugh. God I read a lot of those books. The Sweet Valley Twins where Elizabeth gets her period first even though Jessica's sure it will be her (because she's so much more mature) was responsible for my Mammy having to explain to me all about menstrual cycles when I was 7.

    Bring on the high! It's gonna be steamy.

  9. Annie - Fair play for asking her! The cheeky wagon, showing up and signing books she didn't write!

    Lemur - Oh those wayward Wakefields have taught us so much. It would seem.

  10. Ha, hilarious, I had the exact same experience as Demur Lemur.

    I remember my friends and I discussing it and thinking a 'period' was a like a special class and that is was like *so* obvious Elizabeth would get it first cause she was the brainy one.

    I loved Lila Fowler, I always thought we had a lot in common.

    The memories.

    Todd was some nancy boy eh? Wuh-PAH.

  11. Wow a quick flash down memory lane and I'm on the phone to the mammy to see if my old SVH books are still up on the attic.

    And do you remember the SVU series which followed? *sigh*

    This has made me happy and sad all at once.

    Must lay off the coffee.


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