Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery 3 (Vol. 5)

HELLO.

I have returned. Well, I actually returned last week, but jetlag and work and going for a load of pints and a hangover and more work and finally unpacking my suitcase and thinking I wasn't jetlagged anymore before bursting into tears during an episode of The Mindy Project all conspired to keep me from bothering my hole to sit down and write. But I'm here now! And I may try to squash the whole ridiculous-amazing Caribbean cruise experience into a blog post at a later date, if I can get around to it.

But for now, let's see what's been going down in Tedious Fuckery Town! (Spoiler: infuriating shit, but what's new.)

(Catch up here: Volumes 1, 2, 3 and 4.)


The following morning (because most chapters end with them fucking/going to sleep and then start with the next morning) Christian tells Ana that he has to go to New York on business and will be away for one night that week. Ana asks if he's going there in Charlie Tango, the helicopter that was sabotaged, because going across the entire country of America in a helicopter seems plausible to her. Ana then brings up the loaded gun in the study. It turns out that it's Leila's gun and Christian gets all prissy and tells Ana that he doesn't want her "messing with guns", even though it turns out that she actually knows more about firearms than he does.

“I don’t want you messing with guns. I hope you put the safety back on.”
I blink at him, momentarily stupefied. “Christian, there’s no safety on that revolver. Don’t you know anything about guns?”
His eyes widen. “Um...no.”

So why the fuck do you have a LOADED GUN IN YOUR HOUSE YOU MASSIVE BAG OF ASSHOLES? It turns out that Christian is very anti-gun and supports a bunch of gun control bills in Washington or something. Which is all well and good, but just makes even less sense for him to KEEP ONE IN HIS HOUSE.

Ana asks about Leila and it turns out that she's with her parents in Connecticut and has enrolled in art school. Apparently she's all better now and Ana's reaction to the news isn't "well that's nice for her" or "shouldn't she be somewhere secure, seeing as it was mere months since she had a breakdown and tried to kill me?" Nope, Ana's jealous of her. Again. And wonders why Christian feels responsible for her. It's definitely not because of the sustained emotional abuse he put her through, which was probably what made her snap in the first place. Ana goes to work and there's paaages of irritating emails full of terrible flirting and SUPER witty signatures such as "Priapic CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.", "Now Moist Commissioning Editor, SIP" and "CEO & Ass man, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc." SUCH. A. DELIGHT.


Christian goes to New York and Ana has plans to meet Kate for a few drinks after work. Christian calls her when he lands and asks what she's getting up to with Kate that evening. Ana's immediate thought is "Oh no", which is such a great little indicator for how horrible their relationship is. Ana tells him they're going for a drink and then heading back to the penthouse, but Christian's not having it, even though Ana would have Ryan, Sawyer and a new lady bodyguard called Prescott with her at all times.

“Ana, I don’t want to keep you from your friends. (AHAHAHA! YES YOU ABSOLUTELY DO YOU MASSIVE LIAR!) But I thought she was coming back to the apartment.”
“Okay,” I acquiesce. “We’ll stay in.”

Cool. Cool cool cool.

Also, as soon as it was pointed out that Prescott is a black woman, I was sure that Ana would be all over her, as she's usually all "I like them immediately" whenever she meets a minority, because she's definitely not racist. However, when Ana is talking about her, she says "I’ve yet to warm to her, maybe because she’s too cool and professional." Which is EXACTLY how Taylor and Sawyer and Ryan and Reynolds and Phillipe and Gaston and the rest of the clown car full of security dudes have been so far, as that's called DOING YOUR FUCKING JOB in that particular line of work. But if she's not fawning all over Ana, then I suppose she must be an icy bitch.

Kate arrives at the office at the end of the day and convinces Ana to go for a cocktail instead of going straight home. This is definitely going to go well. The security detail tell her they're supposed to go to the apartment, but Ana insists that it's just one drink and they make their way to a bar. On the way in the car, Ana finds out from Kate that security has been tripled for all the Greys and is annoyed that Kate seems to know more about the whole impending danger situation than she does, because Christian won't tell her anything. They go for strawberry mojitos and bitch about Gia (who had a fling with Elliot before, like some kind of terrible person), engage in some pregnancy foreshadowing (please just get it over with) and have no dinner and a whole bunch of drinks. On her way home, Ana checks her phone to find five missed calls, a text and an email from Christian, so you can guess how he's been reacting to his wife going for a few with her mate.

I'm not sure who I'm more annoyed at here really, because Ana KNEW that he'd freak the fuck out if she went for drinks without telling him, and didn't have the cop on to check her phone every so often. HOWEVER, Christian can go fuck himself for being mad at her for seeing her friend and not sealing herself up in their sterile, charmless museum of an apartment forever and ever. They're both terrible, is what I'm saying.


Ana gets back to the apartment with Sawyer beside her, only to find a smashed vase in the lobby. Sawyer tells her to stay put and runs in to see what's happened. Jack Hyde is unconscious, slumped on the floor and Ryan is standing over him. It turns out that Ryan saw him coming in through the service entrance on the CCTV and then let him in because he "knew we'd have him", which seems like a ludicrously stupid and risky plan, as Jack was armed and this was all about ten minutes before everyone else got back. Ana suggests that they call the police (FINALLY!) but the worst security team in the world all just look dumbly at each other because they need Taylor to tell them what to do and he wasn't answering his phone. Ana tried calling Christian but his phone is off "because he’s so mad" so she leaves him a voicemail saying there's been an incident but everyone's ok. The cops arrive and the detective tells her to come to the station the next day to make a statement, instead of just doing it right there, because reasons.

Ana wakes up later that night to find Christian sitting across from her, just watching her again like the enormous creep that he is. He'll barely talk to her though, so I don't know why he's fucking hanging around there in the first place. He tells her that he's "burning with rage" but he's also sad or something? UGHHHH I don't caaare.

“I want to punish you,” he whispers. “Really beat the shit out of you,” he adds.

ROOOMAAANCE.

Also, correct me if I'm wrong here, but is Christian mad at her for NOT being there when Jack tried to break in and kidnap her while armed with a gun? I mean, surely the normal reaction to this situation would be to be super relieved that your wife wasn't stolen or whatever. LIKE A PRICELESS ASSET.

He tells Ana to go back to sleep and when she wakes up in the morning, he's about to get into the shower and is still mad at her. So she follows him into the shower, because sex usually solves all their problems, but Christian turns her down, which sends Ana into a ridiculously overdramatic spiral.

I release him, immediately. He’s saying no? My mind goes into free fall - has this ever happened before? My subconscious shakes her head, her lips pursed. She glares at me over her half-moon glasses, wearing her you’ve-really-fucked-up-this-time look. I feel like I’ve been slapped, hard. Rejected. And a lifetime of insecurity spawns the ugly thought he doesn’t want me anymore. I gasp as the pain sears through me.

Oh my GAAAAD, the pain sears through her? It's probably cystitis from all the non-stop fucking.

Ana gets dressed for work, throwing on her "favorite plum dress and black sandals", so I guess we've just given up on the fact that it's Kate's motherfucking dress. She goes to work, accompanied by Prescott, while Christian sulks in his study. He's arranged for the detective to come to her office for her statement and emails to let her know, kicking off another tedious fucking merry-go-round of messages going back and forth. Ana begins to wonder if he came back from New York because she went for drinks, or because of the Jack attack. He doesn't answer her so she points out that he doesn't actually tell her anything about what's going on, so maybe if he kept her in the loop then she'd have been more careful or whatever.

She also keeps referring to him as "Mr. Burning Rage" throughout the day. Other things that she calls Christian throughout this book:

Mr. Mercurial
Mr. Sex-on-legs
Mr. Unbelievably Angry
Mr. Orgasmic
Mr. Sexpertise
Mr. Exacting
Mr. Sexpert

Mr. Mercurial gets no less than four mentions, so I guess that makes him the boss of this depressing little gang. Worst. Mr. Men. Ever.

Ana gets home, again accompanied by Prescott ("She’s been so quiet today. I think I prefer her this way." FUCK YOUUUU) but on the way, her heart has grown "heavier and heavier" because she knows that once she gets home, she and Christian are probably going to have a massive row and it's just really sad because her life is basically going from fights with her horrible husband to sex with her horrible husband and nothing in between. Anyway, she arrives home to find Christian waiting for her, in those jeans, his sexy sexytime jeans (we don't know if they're hanging from his hips in that way though, which is disappointing) and it looks like some shit's about to go down. But we're going to have to wait and see if they just bone their problems away, as usual. THE SUSPENSE.

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery 3 (Vol. 4)

Hnghh. I have returned from Electric Picnic and now everything I do is accompanied by a groan or a sigh and the light from the computer screen is hurting my eyes. I have to say, only for the fact that I had this post locked and loaded pre-Picnic, there would have been nothing but tumbleweeds up in here for the week. So, good job, Past Kitty.

Now for the bad news. Well, it's good news for me, because I'm bailing on out of here on my holidays on Friday and flying out to Florida for a cruise followed by a week of theme park divilment with the Bear and my mad family, which means I won't be posting anything for the next two weeks. I might be knocking around on Twitter and Facebook at intervals during the holiday fun, but that'll be about it.

In any case, let's catch up with these two assholes for now.

(Volumes 1, 2 and 3.)


Ana recognises that it's Jack Hyde in the CCTV footage, so Christian is like "thank you darling, that's really helpful". KIDDING! He gets mad at her, of course.

“You seem to have studied your ex-boss in some detail, Mrs. Grey,” he murmurs, sounding none too pleased.

He talks with his security guy some more and when he hangs up, he tells Ana that she's "not only decorative, but useful, too", because treating your wife like an object is SO CUTE. C-Bag is hungry, so Ana goes into the kitchen to make him a sub sandwich. Mrs. Jones is in there making a bolognese sauce and Ana's "heart sinks" when she sees her, because she's an ungrateful little bitch. 

“Um - so what does Christian like in a, um...sub?” I frown, struck by what I’ve just said. Does Mrs. Jones understand the inference?

First of all, no one cares about your sex life as much as you think, Ana and secondly, she's married to this guy and doesn't even know what kind of sandwich he likes? These two idiots have literally never spent any meaningful time together. SANDWICHES ARE IMPORTANT, PEOPLE.

Christian comes in and makes a crack about her being “Barefoot and in the kitchen”.

“Shouldn’t that be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen?” I smirk.
He stills, his whole body tensing against me. “Not yet,” he declares, apprehension clear in his voice.
“No! Not yet!”

She's so fucking pregnant.

Ana wants to watch telly for a bit, so they go into the tv room, where Christian is instantly as condescending as humanly possible.

“Any specific drivel you want to see?”
“You don’t like TV much, do you?” I mutter sardonically.
He shakes his head. “Waste of time. But I’ll watch something with you.”


Oh fuck off Christian, not liking television doesn't make you smarter or better than anyone else. It's a huge facet of popular culture and makes as much sense as saying "I don't like websites and you're an idiot if you think otherwise." It also makes you hard to make small talk with.

Ana wants to make out in front of the tv and Christian is "horrified" by the suggestion, because he couldn't have a normal reaction to something if his life depended on it. You see, he's never done that before, and instead of just getting down to it, they have to have a whole conversation where he jealously grills Ana about the guys she fooled around with when she was a teenager.

“I want to know. So I can beat whoever it was to a pulp.”
I giggle. “Well, the first time...”
“The first time! There’s more than one fucker?” He growls.

HE'S JEALOUS OF THE DUDES SHE SHIFTED WHEN SHE WAS FIFTEEN. SO HEALTHY! SO NORMAL!

ALSO, the first book very definitely implied that Ana had never made out with anyone before in her life. I actually went back to find the exact wording (which appears to be more than EL James bothered doing) and it's as follows: "for the first time in twenty-one years, I want to be kissed" and "no one has ever held my hand". So what's with all the sudden teenage makeout sessions? Have we just abandoned continuity altogether at this stage?

They eventually get down to it and Christian gets carried away. Ana protests that she doesn't want to have sex, just make out. Christian says “No sex, huh?” and they proceed to have sex. This. Fucking. Guy.

The next morning, Christian drops Ana off at her office and tells her that she doesn't have to work. He's brought it up a few times now and every time he does, Ana says she wants to work, but whenever Ana is talking to him it probably just sounds like the adults in the Snoopy cartoons until it's time to fuck again. At work, everyone is a bit distant with Ana, except for her assistant Hannah, a woman who Ana mysteriously doesn't seem to hate. Just before ten o'clock, so Ana has most likely been in the office for just under an hour, it's email time! Christian has sent her a message demanding to know why an email sent to an Anastasia Grey account bounced back. Because surely the first thing she'd do on her first day back in the office after three weeks off is get the IT guys on the phone to set up a new account for her married name, scribble over her old name on her office door and replace it with MRS. CHRISTIAN GREY, surrounded by lovehearts, right?

Wife
I sent the e-mail below and it bounced.
And it’s because you haven’t changed your name.
Something you want to tell me?

Yeah, GOOOO FUCK YOURSELF! The email subject there was "Errant Wives", by the way.

Ana replies, saying that she doesn't want to change her name at work and that she'll explain that evening when they're at home. Ana then has lunch in her office with Hannah, when who should show up, only Fuckface McGinty himself. I mean, Christian. He pointedly calls her Ms. Steele and when they're left alone and Ana asks what he's doing there, he replies:

“I’m just looking over my assets.”
“Your assets? All of them?”
“All of them. Some of them need rebranding.”


Hannah comes back in to bring Christian a coffee and is "all breathless" when he thanks her, so Ana thinks "I want to roll my eyes at her." There it is!

Christian continues to be a sexist fucking prick and says things like how he likes to drop in on his businesses, because it "keeps management on their toes, wives in their place" and I am actually about to spontaneously combust with rage. Ana is mad at him, until he makes out like she's hurting his feelings by not changing her name at work and Ana's all "oh NO! His feelings!" and I'm like HE'S MANIPULATING YOU, STAPLE HIM TO YOUR DESK AND RUN THE FUCK AWAY. He says that he wants everyone to know that she's his, and Ana's like "I married you, dummy", but it's NOT ENOUGH and this goes on and on and literally everything he says just makes me want to shove him out an upper-storey window.

Ana explains that she wants to put a bit of distance between them at work, as everyone thinks she only got the Commissioning Editor job after Jack was fired because she's married to the guy that bought the company. Which turns out to be the case (shocker) and Christian tells her that management decided to give it to her as they needed someone to caretake for the role during the sale. He then tells her that he plans on changing the name of the company to Grey Publishing and giving the company to Ana. He basically then badgers her until she gives up and says that she'll change her name if it means that much to him.

“Good.” He claps his hands, and all of a sudden he stands.
What now?
“Mission accomplished. Now, I have work to do. If you’ll excuse me, Mrs. Grey.”

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED? FUCK THIS FUCKING GUY WITH A RUSTY RAKE.

That evening, Ana is still mad at him for how he handled her disagreeing with him and says that she's not a child and not an asset. Christian says he knows and then IMMEDIATELY SAYS:

"You’re so precious to me. Like a priceless asset, like a child."


DO YOU EVEN HEAR YOURSELF?

They then just change the subject because Gia is calling over in a while with the plans for the house. Christian tells Ana that if she's still mad at him, she can take it out on him in bed later. Gia arrives, and has the nerve to be a "tall, good-looking woman". She's blonde too, and Ana automatically hates blondes.

She is well groomed - one of those women who grew up with money and breeding, though her breeding seems to be lacking this evening; her pale blue blouse is undone too far. Like mine. I flush.

Wait, is Ana trying to fuck Gia or compete against her? They go over the plans and Ana is excruciatingly possessive the whole time. Gia touches Christian's arm at one point and Ana comes and stands between the two of them. Taylor appears and calls Christian away to discuss something urgent, leaving Ana alone with Gia. Ana then proceeds to make an absolute show of herself and tells Gia to keep her hands off her husband, or she's fired. She actually says these words. Gia is mortified and scared of Ana now, so she's all formal when Christian comes back and she leaves. Because that is how rational, grown women do business apparently.

They go back to their earlier argument and it's essentially the same fight that they've had twice already. Christian panics and starts to think Ana is going to leave him or whatever, she gives in to reassure him, and Christian gets his way. They've been having the same argument for the last three books. Best-selling series OF ALL TIME.

Christian needs a haircut and Ana is going to do it for him. Five pages later, all she's done is wash his hair, because everything takes for-fucking-ever when these two dickheads are involved.

Ana helpfully goes into great detail about how hot Christian is:

Sculptured, chiseled, whatever, it is a beautiful mouth and he knows exactly what to do with it.

Ooooh, whatever. EL James, with this literary magic you are really spoiling us.

They can't even contain themselves for the fifteen minutes it would take to cut his hair, and Christian ends up pulling Ana onto his lap and making her come just by playing with her nipples. He could probably poke her in the eye and she'd have an orgasm. They have sex and then Ana cries because she's SO IN LOVE.

inside my joy unfurls and stretches lazily

No. NO! There is no room in Ana's head for any more characters. You better furl back up, immediately.

They go back to the hair-cutting and Ana needs a scissors. There's one in Christian's study so she goes to get it, but on the way, notices that the door of Taylor's office is open and Mrs. Jones is in there.

Taylor is running his fingers down her face and smiling sweetly at her. Then he leans down and kisses her.


Yes! Fucking YES! TAYLOR you DREAMBOAT! Totally called it in the first book. And if anything should be rewritten from a different perspective in this series, it's Taylor and Jones and their sex adventures! Ana is scandalised by the fact that the staff don't just sit around all day, thinking about their boss's sex life and scampers off to the study.

I’m reeling. I always thought Mrs. Jones was older than Taylor. Oh, I have to get my head around this.

Imagine! A man being interested in a woman slightly older than he is! What larks! Also, I've just realised that Ana makes Mrs. Jones sound like an old lady, but she also previously referred to thirty as old, so Taylor and Jonesy are probably only in their late thirties/early forties. I bet they're smokin' hot. Anyway, Ana gets the scissors and also finds a loaded gun in an unlocked drawer, but doesn't mention it to Christian, so that's definitely not going to come up later as part of some big, pointless drama. She tells Christian about Taylor and Jones hooking up, but he was already aware, and he suggests that they include rooms for them in the plans for the new house, so Taylor's daughter could stay with him there from time to time.

“Why doesn’t she stay here?”
“Taylor’s never asked me.”
“Perhaps you should offer. But we’d have to behave ourselves.”
Christian’s brow furrows. “I hadn’t thought of that.”

Because god forbid you'd have to keep it in your pants for a whole evening and actually talk to each other. Ana asks him what Taylor's daughter is like (shy, pretty) and Christian reveals something that really casts him as the villain in The Sexy Adventures of Taylor and Jonesy.

"I pay for her schooling.”
Oh! I stop combing and stare at him in the mirror.
“I had no idea.”
He shrugs. “Seemed the least I could do. Also, it means he won’t quit.”

What a great way to inspire loyalty in your employees! Hold their children's education to ransom so they can never leave and have to stay working for a rude, self-obsessed, controlling man-baby!

Ana eventually gives him his fucking haircut and they go to bed. Ana then tries to explain that she doesn't want to run the publishing company and that it's not something that ever appealed to her. As usual, Christian doesn't listen to her and insists that she'd be good at it (she really wouldn't) and tells her to think about it. Ana then asks him what he meant when he said that she could take her anger out on him in bed, and if he meant letting her tie him up. But his eyes go all sad and fearful and he's like "that's not what I meant at all" and instead of actually just fucking telling her what he meant, they have sex again. In my notes for this whole bit about what he meant, I just have "Pegging! PEG-GING! PEG-GING! PEG-GING!" written down. (Edit: Exercise caution if you need to Google it, as I'm mostly just looking for an excuse to make a Broad City reference.)

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery 3 (Vol. 3)

In amongst the list-making and obsessive weather forecast-checking for Electric Picnic this weekend, I've got the next volume ready to go, because I'm sound like that. However, the two weeks that I'm away on holidays for in September will be less conducive to blog posts, but I guess we'll deal with that when we come to it. For now, look! It's volume three!

(Catch up on Volumes 1 and 2 and sure come on over and like my Facebook page too while you're at it.)


Ana wakes up from her nightmare and panics because Christian isn't beside her. I swear, every time one of these assholes wakes up and the other one isn't right beside them, they freak the fuck out. I love the Bear, but if I wake up and he's not there, it's STARFISH TIME because he's probably just fallen asleep on the couch while watching a BBC4 documentary about space.

Anyway, Christian is sitting in a chair across the room, watching her sleep, like a serial killer. It's the last day of the honeymoon and Christian wants to go for a spin on the jetski with Ana driving before they leave. They climb on and put us through some of their usual fucking tedious banter. Lately they've been incessantly calling each other Mr. Grey and Mrs. Grey during said banter - "Is that so, Mr. Grey?" "It is indeed, Mrs. Grey" and so on. It's adorable and definitely doesn't make me want to fling every copy of this book into a tornado. They take off across the water, and Ana sees that the airport is nearby, so heads that way for a look, before being startled by a plane like the genius she is, and falling off the jetski, taking Christian with her. Ha ha ha these crazy kids.

Eventually they get back home (they fly home on a commercial airline, which makes no sense. Where's the private plane?) and Christian carries Ana from the car up to the penthouse like she's a fucking child. He tells her she's put on weight, which is a ridiculous thing to do, considering her weird food issues and his continued insistence that YOU MUST EAT, ANA over the last two books. There's actually been hardly any of that this time around though, so she must be packing on the pounds. Even though she just said earlier that she's leaner and fitter than ever before. HEY, LOOK OVER THERE, A DISTRACTION FROM THIS TERRIBLE WRITING! (Copyright Anastasia Grey)

The next morning, it's Ana's turn to be creepy, so she watches Christian sleep for a little while, before he wakes up. While watching him, she wants to kiss him, but decides not to disturb him.

My subconscious glares up at me over her half-moon spectacles, distracted from volume two of the Complete Works of Charles Dickens, and mentally chastises me. Leave the poor man alone, Ana.
 
Hey, volume two! Good for you, Subconscious, you're so lucky you don't have to read this exasperating pile of shite. Swapsies?

Ana's thoughts then turn to the fire at the office and the lurking threat that we all know is Jack Hyde after the last book's epilogue, who has been doing an exceedingly shoddy job of trying to kill Christian so far.
 
My blood chills. Who could want to harm Christian?
 
They go to lunch at Christian's parents house, and Ana is feeling out of sorts. She teases Christian about letting her drive his Audi R8 and gets all snappy when he teases her back. At lunch, he mentions that Gia the architect is calling over the following day, which riles Ana up as well, because Gia's a no-good big-boobed homewrecker. Probably. She tells herself that she has no reason to be jealous and wonders what's up with her mood.

Shit, I am up and down today. What’s wrong with me? 

You're pregnant. It's Twilight after all, so there's a demon baby to be had, and the whole weight thing earlier was a typically masterfully subtle and nuanced foreshadowing of this fact. Christian tells her that he's going to spank her unless she snaps out of her weird mood. After lunch, everyone is chatting and Christian starts singing softly to himself while playing the piano.

Suddenly, as one, all the Greys stop talking and gape at Christian.

It's some big moment because none of his family have ever heard him sing before, and Grace is all overwhelmed and cries a bit because it's apparently such a big breakthrough or whatever. Problem is:


When they leave the house to head home, Christian allows Ana to drive the Audi, but they get a call from Sawyer and Ryan who are behind them in an SUV, because UH OH they're being followed by a car with fake license plates. Although it's never actually explained how they know the plates aren't real. So instead of telling Ana to drive to the nearest police station, or whatever, Christian and his security detail tell her to drive like a fucking crazy person along the freeway. She weaves in and out of traffic at speed and this whole underwhelming car chase goes on for fucking everrrrrrr.

They eventually pull into a random car park and Sawyer informs them that the other car kept going and they managed to lose the tail. The guys in the SUV follow the mystery car and Ana and Christian fuck in the car park. Seriously. At first, Ana is shaken and starts crying, so Christian tries to console her.

He reaches over and, despite the limited space we have, pulls me over the handbrake console to cradle me in his lap.

I don't know how big the inside of an R8 is, but pulling a fully grown human off their seat and onto your lap would surely be a fiesta of elbows and knees and banging your head on the ceiling. Then again, Ana is so frail and tiny that it's probably more like picking up and moving a bundle of twigs. They bang in the seat (Ana takes care to mention "the sheer fine lace" of her "designer underwear" - but WILL SHE EVER GET USED TO BEING RICH?) and then head back to the apartment. It turns out that the driver of the car that was following them was a woman and Sawyer is waiting for them when they get home. However, they're both still horny even after having just had sex in the car, so Christian tells Sawyer he wants to be debriefed in an hour. Instead of right now, as there's badly described sex to be had!

Christian leads Ana to the playroom and she's all coy and embarrassed for some reason.

I blush, knowing that Mrs. Jones must have been in here cleaning while we were away on our honeymoon.

Poor Mrs. Jones. Nobody should have to clean up Christian Grey's spunk and sweaty ass-prints. Christian bends Ana over a table and puts a butt plug in her ass, with the usual vagueness.

His fingers are massaging me there again. Lubricating me...there!

Where? There? Oh the other there? Wuh?

Anyway, they have sex and lie there in the playroom for a bit.

“Who cleans these toys?” I ask as I follow him over to the chest. He frowns at me, as if not understanding the question. “Me. Mrs. Jones.”


DUDE. WHAT. Clean your own goddamn sex toys! JESUS. Mrs. Jones doesn't need this kind of shit. They go for a bath afterwards and Christian mentions that they should look over the plans for the house before Gia comes by the next day.

That woman is coming back again. My subconscious gazes up from volume 3 of The Complete Works of Charles Dickens and glowers.

Volume 3! She's flying through them! I am now officially more invested in her subconscious's reading list than the actual plot here.

Christian finally goes to talk to Sawyer, while Ana does Mrs Jones a favour and washes the butt plug herself. She then thinks about how she has to go back to the office the following day, how she doesn't plan on changing her name at work and that she knows Christian will be mad when she tells him. Oh god, we're going to have to endure that fucking fiasco at some point, please let's just get it over with. Instead, Ana uploads the photos from the Nikon she bought for Christian and finds PICTURE AFTER PICTURE of her asleep on it. She's sucking her thumb in some photos. Come on, Ana. Anyway, it's TERRIFYING. But as usual, me and Ana have the opposite reactions to these things, and she's overwhelmed with love and jumps up to find him.

She comes into his study while Christian is on the phone to someone and crawls onto his lap. The part of Ana in this book is being played by a tiny baby. She sees that he's looking at grainy CCTV footage of a man going into the server room at Grey House on his laptop, while the guy at the other end of the phone line enhances the picture. Suddenly Ana gasps, because ERMAHGERD it's Jack Hyde and we already knew that and it's no surprise whatsoever.

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery 3 (Vol. 2)

Alright, it's that time again. I forgot to mention last time that the plan is to post one of these a week, and hopefully I won't have lost the will to live by the end of it all. Also, I won't be recapping Grey, because the thoughts of having to relive the entire series and all the boring conversations they have over and over again but from a different point of view would be some next-level form of psychological torture.

So, onwards with volume two!

(Catch up on Vol. 1 here and the first two books are here. Also, giz an aul like on Facebook there, because I know you're sound.)


Ana is quite correctly furious about the marks all over her boobs and wonders how she didn't feel him doing it to her at the time. She was blindfolded while they were fucking and claims that the reason she didn't notice was because "Mr. Orgasmic was using his fine-motor sexing skills on me", which...what the fuck kind of sentence is that? Also, bullshit, I don't care how intense the whole thing was, you would definitely notice someone sucking on your skin to the point of bruising. Repeatedly. And in case you were wondering what her subconscious and inner goddess are up to, because I know you were:

My subconscious peers over her half-moon specs and tuts disapprovingly, while my inner goddess slumbers on her chaise longue, out for the count.

Ana then tells us how much sexier she's gotten, while considering her refection. "I’ve become leaner and fitter, and my hair is glossy and well cut. My nails are manicured, my feet pedicured, my eyebrows threaded and beautifully shaped" and then immediately says she doesn't want "to think about grooming at the moment", after detailing how very well-groomed she is now. But back to being mad. She picks up a hairbrush and when Christian asks if she's ok from the other room, her subconscious "folds her arms beneath her small bosom" and Ana comes out and flings the hairbrush at him, before storming out onto the deck. Now jump overboard and swim to freedom! Go! Before he goes all Billy Zane in Dead Calm on your ass!

Instead, she tells Christian that she's mad at him, that he made his point on the beach and he has to stop trying to bring her to heel.

“Well, you won’t take your top off again,” he murmurs petulantly.

LOUD. NOISES.

I need this pointy fish to jump onboard and stab Christian through the heart. Any minute now.

Ana insists that it's a hard limit for her and pulls the neckline of her top down to show him what he's done. She wants to shout at him but stops herself.

I don’t want to push him too far. Heaven knows what he’d do.

HE WOULD MURDER YOU LIKE BILLY ZANE IN DEAD CALM, THAT'S WHAT. (I'm not even sure how well-known a reference Dead Calm is, it's just all I can think about for this whole bit.)

Christian apologises and Ana starts thinking about something that Christian's therapist Dr. Flynn said. Namely, that Christian is emotionally adolescent, as he bypassed that part of his life and focused on business instead. Which is no fucking excuse really, and if that is the case, then surely the absolute last thing he should be doing is getting married. Anyway, Ana seems to think this is reason enough to forgive him when he asks to be and then she asks if she's forgiven (UM, FOR WHAT, EXACTLY?) and they're all good again. Or you know, as good as this appalling relationship can be.

The next morning, Ana is watching Christian shave and it's time for another fucking pointless flashback, wherein Ana shaves her pussy while they're in London, because she thought Christian would like it, but she made a hames of it and missed a few bits. Christian suggests that he finishes off the job for her and Ana is horrified.

My subconscious slams down her Complete Works of Charles Dickens, leaps up from her armchair, and puts her hands on her hips.

Aww, but WHICH VOLUME?

Christian tells her he knows her body better than she does AND SHE FUCKING AGREES. AGAIN. So he gets a razor and finishes it off, followed by banging. Back to the present, and Ana decides "Hmm...it's payback time" and gets Christian to sit so she'll finish shaving his face. Ana is up to her old "hmm" tricks again in this book. More often than not, she's thinking hmm instead of it being part of her dialogue and it always looks ridiculous.

Hmm...Christian speaking fluent French wakes me.

Will I ever understand this man? Hmm - this crème brulée is delicious.

Hmm...love barefoot Christian.

The word "hmm" appears no less than 79 times in this book. 79. That's 24 times more than the last book, which clocked in at 55. SEVENTY FUCKING NINE!


So Ana finishes shaving Christian's face (instead of taking her chance, punching him in the throat and jumping overboard) and they go to a medieval hilltop village for the day, to look at galleries and buy some artwork.

Art...he wants to buy art. How can I buy art?

Try the massive amount of money you just married into. Christian says that they can pick out some pieces for their new house and mentions the architect that's doing some work on it for them.

He had to remind me of her...Gia Matteo, a friend of Elliot’s who worked on Christian’s place in Aspen. During our meetings, she’d been all over Christian like a rash.

Ah yes, and as a woman she of course wants to steal Ana's husband. They all do. Poor Ana. She's locked him down and these bitches still don't know their place. They go to the village and look at a display of photos of naked women, which makes Ana wonder whether she should let Christian take nude photos of her. They move on and Ana picks out three paintings of peppers to buy, as she is the most basic of all the bitches.

Ana has red marks on her wrists and ankles from the handcuffs, and more importantly, from Christian being a horrendously bad Dom and closing them so tightly. So they go to a fancy jewellery shop, where he buys her a €30,000 platinum cuff that hides the redness on her wrist. The other one is obscured by the "platinum Omega watch" he gave her on the first morning of the honeymoon. I can't even make fun of this part, because it just makes me so sad. He leaves visible marks on his wife and buys her expensive things that cover it. It's their abusive relationship in an epically bleak nutshell. The bleakest of nutshells. The most miserable squirrel in the world be like "Nope. That nutshell is too depressing, even for me."

On the way back in the car, he examines the marks on her ankles and feels all sad about it, but Ana insists that they don't hurt and it's just the love bites that she doesn't like. Things start to heat up in the backseat, Ana's inner goddess "looks up startled from her Jackie Collins" (there is NO NEED to drag Jackie Collins into this mess) but they get cut short when Christian gets a phonecall. There's been a fire in the server room at his office, but nobody was hurt and a fire suppression system put it out before too much damage was done. He tells the person at the other end of the line not to call the police or fire department, so clearly this is going to play out just like that last book, where a disturbed woman was roaming around with a gun, trying to kill Ana, but he didn't call the cops as that would have just solved things and removed all the needless suspense. Oh, and while he's on the phone, Ana starts to "fiddle nervously with the fifteen-thousand-euro bracelet" because EL James can't keep her story straight within three pages.

They're back on the boat and Christian has been in the study for ages, making calls to the office. Ana is bored, so she tells him she's going shopping. She has to take Taylor and one of the twins with her, and decides she wants to use the jetski to get to shore. Taylor shows her how to use it and she zips around on the water, doing two laps of the yacht.

This rocks! No wonder Christian never lets me drive.


Which. Just. I. IF HE WAS ANY ACTUAL GOOD AS A PERSON HE'D BE LIKE "BABE THIS IS SO MUCH FUN, HAVE A GO, ISN'T IT GREAT, I'M SO GLAD WE CAN SHARE IN THIS SUPERFUN ACTIVITY." I hate him so much you guys. So very very much.

Christian sees her on the jetski and is "gaping" at her, because she didn't tell him she was going on it and when she, Taylor and Gaston get to shore, Taylor tells her that Christian is "not entirely comfortable" with her being on the jetski, and he's clearly just gotten an angry phonecall from his dickhead boss about it. Ana gets into the waiting car and fires off an email to Christian. Even on their honeymoon they find a way to crowbar fucking emails into the story. I genuinely don't understand why they don't just text each other. She has said she'll get the boat back to the yacht so they're all cool there again. Ana goes to a small touristy shop and buys herself an ankle bracelet for a fiver, thinking how much more her it is than all the fancy stuff she's gotten lately and wonders again if she'll ever get used to all the sudden wealth. Which really starts to ring pretty hollow when she constantly goes out of her way to name-check all the expensive stuff she's surrounded by. It's always Bollinger champagne, a Mercedes car, her Omega watch and her "hideously expensive" bikinis.

Anyway, she wants to buy something for Christian and decides to buy him a camera. She's not sure what to get though, so she rings up José, waking him up in the middle of the night, to pester him for advice on cameras. And when he answers, understandably groggy and sleepy and is confused when she says they're staying on a boat, she sighs and thinks "I don’t need this right now" and is generally incredibly fucking inconsiderate. He helps her out anyway and she gets back on the boat, gives Christian the camera, saying it's for portraits "and the like", inferring that it's for taking naked photos of her.


However, the gift backfires and makes Christian all sad because we need some kind of drama at this point, I guess. He only ever used to take photos of the women he was with as his "insurance policy" i.e. the box of photos of his subs from the last book, and thinks he'll be objectifying Ana by taking photos of her. Even though she's asking him to. And really, NOW is the point where he starts thinking about feminism? It's all really stupid and goes on for ages and ends up with them fucking and then Ana reciting her marriage vows afterwards because something's up with Christian and he won't talk to her. He eventually tells her that the fire back in the office was arson, so between that and the helicopter sabotage from the last book, they know someone is after them and Christian is worried for Ana's safety. We know it's Jack Hyde, from the epilogue of the last book. Quick refresher: He was Ana's boss and tried to rape her. Taylor then beat the shit out of him and Christian fired him because he'd bought the company at that stage. Also, he's doing an exceedingly bad job of killing Christian thus far.

Suddenly, flashback time! I'm presuming this is the case anyway, as all of a shot, they're strolling through Versailles, which is nowhere near the south of France. The timeline in this book is incredibly exasperating. This series is annoying enough at it as, the last thing it needs is another fucking gimmick, particularly when each flashback scene could be summed up in one sentence. "We got married and banged on a plane", "We didn't sign a prenup", "Ana shaved her cooch and made a balls of it, so Christian finished it off" and in this case "We went to Versailles". THAT'S IT. All it does is provide a setting for a nightmare that Ana has in a bit.

Back on the boat, they've just had dinner and Christian has some work to do, so Ana checks her emails. Kate is online too, so Ana sends her a Skype message and they chat a bit. She didn't email! PROGRESS! I mean, anyone else would probably video chat, it being Skype and all, but look. Still progress. Kate asks about the fire, so Ana goes "I try my patented distract-tenacious-Kavanagh technique" and asks after Elliot and Ethan. Changing The Subject © Anastasia Grey.

That night, Ana has her aforementioned nightmare, in which she realises that her deepest, darkest fear would be losing Christian. That Versailles flashback definitely wasn't a massive waste of time, then.

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery 3 (Vol. 1)

*steady breathing* *warms up the Caps Lock key*

Ok let's do this. Like ripping off a plaster.

(Recaps for books 1 and 2 are here.)


We begin with a prologue from the perspective of baby Christian Grey, just like the last time around and it's just as immediately fucking annoying to read. In this pointless flashback that adds absolutely nothing to the story, Christian's mother is dead on the floor while baby Christian narrates such improbable lines as "I fetch my blankie", as if an American toddler has ever said the word fetch.


Cops arrive and baby Christian is shouting "Mommy!" (the word Mommy is used 20 times within this one relatively short paragraph and I already need a drink) and suddenly adult Christian wakes up, as again, just like last time, t'was all a dream. The point of view then clumsily switches to third person and describes Christian saying "let's not fight" to Ana.

"The vows. No obeying. I can do that. We'll find a way."

Sure, here's a way, just leave that bit out at the wedding. Done. Next.

CHAPTER ONE! Christian and Ana are on honeymoon in Monaco, the sky is blue, Christian is hot, they're sunbathing on the beach.

We are staying, of course, on board a luxury motor yacht.

Of course. Because hotels are for peasants. Christian pulls Ana's sun lounger into the shade, telling her she'll get sunburned and "If you burn, I won't be able to touch you" because remember, Christian's boner is more important than Ana's well-being. Ana floats the idea of her going topless on the beach, like all the other women there and in a move that will shock absolutely no one, Christian is having none of it.

"I'm not very happy about you wearing so little right now." He leans down and whispers in my ear. "Don't push your luck."

SO SEXY. SO ROMANTIC. SO THE PREAMBLE TO BEING FUCKING MURDERED ON YOUR HONEYMOON.

Ana seems to take this as a playful challenge, rather than the bone-chilling warning sign of an abusive relationship that it is, and while Christian goes for a swim, Ana whips off her bikini top, lies on her front and dozes off in the heat.

And just when we thought we'd get away with not having to endure their wedding, boom, flashback, right in the face. Christian has just kissed his bride and one of the first things he says to his new wife is...

"Don't let anyone take that dress off but me, understand?"

DUDE. The priest and all of your respective parents are RIGHT THERE. Christian Grey is so unbearably devoid of chill. Later on, when the party is in full swing, Christian tells Ana it's time to go, because they're going to do that thing where the couple leave their wedding halfway through the night, y'know that thing that no one has done since the mid-80s, because your wedding day is supposed to be a super fun party with all your favourite people. However, they get intercepted by Christian's grandparents.

I groan inwardly...Grace's mother has found us.

It's kind of hilarious how much Ana seems to hate this woman and for literally no reason, like she has been nothing but lovely to her and doesn't even want to bone Christian, like every other woman/threat in this series and every interaction they have is just Ana thinking "UGH, this old bitch again". Eventually they get going and head to the airport and onto Christian's Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. jet and laugh about misusing company property like the rich assholes they are. There are two other women on board though, First Officer Beighley and Natalia the flight attendant, so naturally, Ana hates them both. Christian has a quick conversation with the pilot (a dude called Stephan, so at least they're not at risk of Ana scratching his eyes out for looking at Christian) and I'm only including their interaction here, because Ana sounds like such a fucking halfwit during it.

"We have the all clear. Weather is good from here to Boston."
Boston?
"Turbulence?"
"Not before Boston. There's a weather front over Shannon that might give us a rough ride."
Shannon? Ireland?
"I see. Well, I hope to sleep through it all," says Christian matter-of-factly.
Sleep?

See, Ana doesn't know where they're going on their honeymoon (of course she wasn't allowed to make any decisions), but surely it's possible for a writer to convey their protagonist piecing together clues in a way that doesn't involve them dumbly repeating what their horrible fuckturnip of a husband has just said.

Anyway, it turns out that they're going to London, Paris and the south of France, and stopping to refuel in Shannon. Even though planes stop in Shannon to fly to the US. I mean, if you can get across the Atlantic but need to stop to refuel before a bunch of little flights that take no more than an hour each, then that's just bad planning. Makes as much sense as a billionaire in his twenties that's supposed to have built an entire empire out of nothing but doesn't appear to do any actual work.

They have dinner on board followed by some airborne banging, before which Ana treats us to such timeless newlywed bride quotes as "Jeez...a bedroom." and "...the mile high club. I’ve heard about this." Insightful as ever. Throughout the whole sex scene, Christian says "mine" eight times and it's WILD creepy, particularly because we know he feels like he actually owns Ana's body.

His hands travel around to my behind.
“Mine,” he breathes as his hands spread across my backside.

Although it also makes him sound like a seagull from Finding Nemo.

Talk dirty to me.

Ana is then woken up from her flashback/memory sequence with the record scratch of Christian shouting at her. Yep, shouting at his new wife because she fell asleep and rolled over, revealing her boobs to the topless beach in France, where no one cares, except Christian. Because they're really his boobs you see, and he never signed a permission slip for them get out in the open for a while. Bad boobs!

Christian continues to be furious and then shames Ana when she protests that no one is looking.

“Trust me. They’re looking. I’m sure Taylor and the security crew are enjoying the show!” he snarls.

For fuck's sake, you would think that he'd trust his security team enough to do their jobs and not be distracted by his wife's tits, but of course Ana is the most special lady with the most special boobs ever, and the entirety of Monaco probably ground to a halt so everyone could rush over for a look.

Apparently paparazzi are also a concern, because Christian is suddenly Kate Middleton and they were besieged when news of their engagement got out. Grumpy Christian packs everything up because they're heading back to the boat, now that Ana has ruined everything by thinking she had bodily autonomy. Also, he puts on his t-shirt and then a pair of shorts over his swimming trunks and it makes him sound like such a massive fucking nerd. I mean, men's swimming trunks are, by their very nature, shorts. Idiot.

"Hey baby. Wanna fuck?"

Making their way back to the boat, Christian signals to Taylor (TAYLOR! YAAAY!) and the extra security hired for the honeymoon. Guys. Meet the French dudes that got the job:

...he signals up to Taylor and his two sidekicks, the French security officers Philippe and Gaston. Weirdly, they are identical twins.

Ohmygod this is even better than Ryan and Reynolds from the second book! Sometimes EL James's complete lack of imagination can result in actual giddy delight. "I've totally researched France for this part of the book, I mean I watched Beauty and the Beast like SEVEN TIMES!" Christian takes Ana to the boat on a jetski and the spin across the water seems to snap him out of his bad mood. When they get back on board, they have a drink and he chastises her, saying that she wouldn't want her mother and Ray to see her boobs all over the tabloids. BECAUSE SHE'S THE ONLY WOMAN IN THE WORLD TO HAVE BOOBS, YOU KNOW. Ana tries her "patented distraction technique", (because she invented distractions) by asking about who owns the boat.

“A British knight. Sir Somebody-or-Other. His great-grandfather started a grocery store. His daughter’s married to one of the Crown Princes of Europe.”

So Christian can't remember the guy's name but knows his fucking family tree? Okay cool.

The conversation turns to the fact that Ana is now super rich as well and her insisting that she'll never get used to her sudden wealth, and there's a TOTALLY SEAMLESS transition to another fucking flashback. They're all done the exact same way, with Ana remembering something that previously happened and then < DREAMY HARP MUSIC > and we're back there!

This time, it's to an argument over getting a prenup. Ana was having breakfast with Christian and his family, when Mia read out a gossip item about their engagement that finished with "Bet she’s reading one helluva prenup!", kicking off a row because Carrick thinks Christian should get one, at which point Christian actually shouts "No prenup!" at his father, like a fucking teenager. Anyway, all we actually learn here is that they didn't get a prenup. So that was totally worth our time and energy.

Back to the boat, and Christian wants to bang. He tells Ana they're going to bed and tells her not to pee beforehand.

My subconscious looks up from her book - The Complete Works of Charles Dickens, Vol. 1 - with alarm.

Really? REALLY? The Complete Works of Charles Dickens, and not just any volume, but Vol. 1? Was that detail TOTALLY NECESSARY?


Anyway, Christian tells her it's not what she thinks, god forbid they engage in any actual kink or fetish, other than vanilla sex and being tied up the odd time. He removes his trunks and shorts "in one
graceful move" which just doesn't sound possible and produces two pairs of handcuffs. He then cuffs each wrist to an ankle so she can't move and rides her while demanding to know why she defies him, even though he already told her she's not his sub anymore, so shut up Christian. Ana has the most intense orgasm is the history of orgasms (because of her full bladder, apparently), in fact she's left sobbing after it and describes it as being ripped apart, and really, you can keep it Ana.

Afterwards, Ana gets up to go to the bathroom and gets a shock when she sees her reflection, BECAUSE CHRISTIAN HAS BITTEN HICKEYS ALL OVER HER BOOBS. HE HAS BRUISED HER TITS SO SHE WILL LEARN HER LESSON. FUCK THIS FUCKING GUY ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS BULLSHIT.

Me and Christian, hangin' out.

AND WE'RE GOING TO LEAVE IT HERE FOR NOW WHILE I GO FIND A WALL TO PUNCH.

BYEEE.

Hawaii Five-No

This post originally appeared on Ramp.ie a few years ago, but we recently rewatched Hard Ticket To Hawaii and it was exactly as much stupid fun as I remember, so I decided to dust off this post and stick it up here. The whole film is on YouTube, but make sure to skip past the intensely creepy introduction from director Andy Sidaris, because there's just no need for it and I wish he'd take his hand off that bikini lady's knee.


It’s so hard to decide where to begin with Hard Ticket To Hawaii. The frisbee death scene? The skateboarding assassin? The snake infected by deadly toxins from cancer-infested rats? (No, really. That description of the snake is actually a direct quote from the film.)


The credits kick things off in gleefully awful fashion, showing a bunch of moustachioed dudes moving crates around a warehouse, with the cast’s names printed out on brown paper and glued to the side of them. It’s kind of amazing. Next thing you know, an incompetent forklift driver has knocked the ominous “CONTAMINATED” sign off one crate in particular, which as it turns out, contains a GIANT MUTANT CANCER SNAKE.


The actual plot centres around two Government agents (although we don’t find out what actual agency they work for, it’s just referred to as ‘The Agency’) called Donna and Taryn, who are undercover as island-hopping pilots for a Hawaiian cargo company. I have to admit, I only got all that after reading up on it after actually seeing the film. While I was watching it, there was a fair amount of ‘Wait, are they cops or something? No, they’re pilots. Oh, hang on, what’s this agency they keep mentioning? WHO ARE THESE WOMEN AND WHY DO THEY KEEP TAKING THEIR CLOTHES OFF?’ Both actresses were 1980s Playmates, which might explain the second part of that last question, actually. The film doesn’t waste time explaining things like character background, instead it distracts you from niggly details like that with BOOBS. In one particular instance, by showing Taryn taking off her bikini top in order to take an outdoor shower under a tree, while talking to Donna. As one does.

Anyway, Donna and Taryn have to transport a newlywed couple and a regular, non-cancery snake to another island, so off they go, only UH OH THEY’VE GOT THE WRONG SNAKE! Once they’ve landed on the island and dropped off the tourist couple, they see a toy helicopter containing two small packages landing near the beach. But then two henchmen that the delivery was actually meant for suddenly appear so the girls have to fight them off. Luckily they came equipped with nunchucks and ninja stars hidden their tiny, sideboob-exposing uniforms so they make their escape with one of the packages. Once home, both Donna and Taryn strip off and get into the hot tub to have a think. They open the package to discover it contains diamonds, Donna decides to call Rowdy, a fellow agent, and they both climb back out of the hot tub. That is literally the whole scene. They get naked, sit in the hot tub, open the bag and get back out.


Also, I’d like to point out that there’s a scene where Taryn is showing Donna her new movie posters. She loves James Bond and spy movies, and there on the wall of their house, is a framed poster for Malibu Express, which she makes a particular point of. This film is the sequel to Malibu Express. Rowdy is meant to be the cousin of the main character IN Malibu Express. It’s so meta that if you think about it too much, your brain may be in danger of melting out of your ears.

After some more fights between henchmen and the girls (in which their clothes come off a bit), the snake escaping from its crate (which ended up in their garage for some reason I can’t remember) and some random scenes that are completely irrelevant to the plot, we eventually meet Rowdy and Jade, the two manly agents who are going to save the day. But as they’re on the way to meet Donna and Taryn, they are passed on the road by a man doing a handstand on a skateboard. They surmise that he’s been ‘smoking some heavy doobies’ and carry on as before. BUT then he comes after them, only this time he’s carrying a rifle and A BLOW UP SEX DOLL. FOR NO REASON.


He shoots the tyre of the jeep that the agents are driving, which inexplicably results in Jade getting a bullet in the chest. They then drive into the assassin, somehow sending him flying into the air AND BLOW HIM UP WITH A ROCKET LAUNCHER. For realz! It’s incredible! And just when you thought it couldn’t get any more ridiculous, THEY EXPLODE THE SEX DOLL TOO! We actually had to rewind this scene to watch it again, just to make sure we weren’t tripping our collective balls off the first time around.

Other things of note include a restaurant called Edy’s that the characters frequent, which has a maître d’ whose sole purpose seems to be sleazing all over anyone with tits. Not to mention dialogue like ‘if brains were birdshit your cages would be empty’ and ‘one man’s dream is another man’s lunch’ and a villain called Mr. Chang, despite the fact that he’s a white dude who looks like a low-rent Malcolm McDowell.


Anyway, things start to come to a head as the agents plan to take down the criminal boss who’s involved in the whole diamonds and drugs thing. There’s a great bit where Taryn and Donna are gathering information on the boss’s compound with a bright yellow video camera. I love it because it reminded me of that trend in the 80s and 90s where gadget companies used to bring out a yellow and supposedly waterproof version of an existing product and called it the ‘Sports’ model. Anyway, all of this leads up to the one scene that convinced me that I absolutely HAD to see this film, in which Rowdy disposes of one of the compound’s henchmen. Who is called Shades, by the way. It’s the frisbee death scene, kids. Are you ready for this?



There are around three big finales to this film, involving someone stabbing a door down instead of just kicking it in and the snake making a spectacular return to the storyline, which I won’t spoil because you just have to see it for yourself. The snake is brilliant for many reasons, one of which being that it’s quite obviously someone’s arm encased in a slimy, elaborate sock puppet.

Hard Ticket To Hawaii is completely ridiculous. The women take their clothes off at the drop of a hat, there are scenes showing a henchwoman all oiled up and posing with nunchucks for about four minutes for absolutely no reason, the supposed heroes do racist Japanese accent impressions, the dialogue is hilariously bad and outrageously sexist, the sets are wobbly and the plot is unnecessarily convoluted. But in spite of all these completely dumb things, it is also a huge amount of fun. If you enjoy terrible films, then you really, REALLY have to watch this one.

And if you’re still not convinced, then just check out the badass trailer:

Sweet Valley Guy

Over on my Facebook page recently, a reader (hi Chrissy!) posted a link to the website of James L. Mathewuse, the artist who created the gorgeous book covers for Sweet Valley High. I know I rip the piss out of the cover art in my recap posts, but it's done with affection, as I genuinely love these pictures. I'd frame every goddamn one of them if I could. Mathewuse created over 250 paintings for the Sweet Valley series, each one a pastel-coloured vignette of 80s teen hotness, emotion and questionable pants. His are the classic covers, and when the series started using photos of blonde models, or the Daniel twins from the TV show, they lost some of that original charm. His website is here, fyi, and it's a testament to his work that I can actually forgive the liberal use of Comic Sans all over it. Because he's the man responsible for doozies like this!

via jimmyart.com

Also, there's this excellent photo of him at work, which I absolutely adore. GIANT WAKEFIELDS!

Also via jimmyart.com

Anyway, while I was trying to find a bigger version of that great photo, something even better happened. I ended up on 80s book blog CliqueyPizza, and more specifically, on their post titled "I'VE FOUND THE REAL JESSICA AND ELIZABETH WAKEFIELD!" They had a tip-off from a commenter that an actress called Jonna Leigh Stack was the model for the pictures of the Wakefield twins and she was in some old soap series called Santa Barbara. There was a video clip of an episode showing her in action as her character Summer Blake, however the video clip in the post was no longer working. Boo. So I did a quick search for the actress in question...

...AND HOLY SWEET FUCKING LAVALIERE VALLEY LOOK AT HER.

OH
MY
GODDD

I actually can't get over her face. She's Elizabeth! She's Jessica! She's blowing my fucking mind!


I couldn't find any quotes or interviews with her that actually confirmed that she was the model for the cover art, but there really isn't any denying that face, to be fair. Jonna's iMDB page is pretty sparse, the only credits on it are for her Santa Barbara episodes (in a most un-Wakefield turn of events, she was eventually killed off) and something called Paradise Motel. She ended up going to law school and nowadays she lives in Florida, providing legal services and mediation, dabbles in photography and runs an anti-aging and skincare company. (TOFU-GLO!)

Here's a working clip from Santa Barbara, so skip to 2.20, 6.20 and 10.50 to see a real life, three dimensional Wakefield twin, walking around and talking and generally being the face of my childhood reading obsession.



Also, here are two more recent photos of lovely Jonna and her lovely face, essentially showing us what Elizabeth and Jessica would look like now.


Still cute. Good job, ladies. I mean, lady.

Sweet Valley High Revisited - Nowhere To Run

I know, I KNOW. I've been neglecting my Sweet Valley progress most terribly of late, but work and things kept getting in the way. Things like organising my brother's stag because I'm best woman at his upcoming wedding and gender roles can SUCK ITTT. Anyway, let's do this thing!

Sweet Valley High #25: Nowhere To Run


Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield are having lunch at school and giddy with excitement because their grandparents are coming to visit from Michigan and they haven't seen them in over a year. It's cute how enthusiastic Jessica is about it, but also seems a bit out of character for her to be that excited about grandparents, to be perfectly honest. While discussing their upcoming plans, Elizabeth "couldn't help overhearing" the conversation going on between Dana Larson and Droids drummer Emily Mayer at the next table. Girl please, I bet she almost slid right off her cafeteria chair trying to listen.

Emily's new stepmother Karen has just had a baby and things are super tense at home. Emily feels like Karen is trying to push her out so it'll just be Karen, Emily's dad and the new baby in the house, so she suddenly tells Dana all this, gets upset and runs off. Later that day, Elizabeth is proof reading her latest column for The Oracle in the office after school when sexy Mr Collins arrives.

"I'm glad you're here," Elizabeth told him. "I could use some help on the article I'm writing on the tenure system."

Yeah, because sixteen year old high school students totally give a fuck about the details of their teachers' employment contracts. Great article there, Liz.

Mr Collins tells Elizabeth that Emily Mayer wants to try out for the editorial staff on the school paper, and that he told her Liz might be able to help her, whereupon Liz reacts like Emily has shown up and pissed on her doorstep.

"Emily!" Elizabeth exclaimed. "But why does she want to work for The Oracle? She's a musician, not a journalist!"

AND IT'S NOT LIKE YOU CAN BE BOTH, JESUS EMILY GET BACK IN YOUR BOX ALREADY.

Emily shows up, but looks like she's been crying. "Elizabeth caught her breath when she saw the girl. She looked awful." Well you'd better tell her how terrible she looks Liz, seeing as that's like your favourite thing to do. For once in her life, Liz manages to reel it in and instead asks her why she's thinking about joining the paper. Emily explains that it was her stepmother's idea and asks Liz if she can confide in her, despite the fact that they don't actually know each other that well.

"I've always admired you so much," she added wistfully.

STOP ENCOURAGING HER. GAWD.

Emily explains that her stepmother, Karen, has it in for her and is trying to convince Emily's dad to send her off to boarding school. She also hates Emily's drums and won't let her practice at home because of the baby (who is named Karrie by the way, which seems like criminally lazy naming on the ghostwriter's part) and thinks that writing is a much better pursuit than music, so Emily is just trying to do whatever Karen wants her to, so she won't have an excuse to kick her out.

However, Karen is a total wagon and keeps moving the goalposts, insisting on a curfew for Emily, which means she won't be able to practice with The Droids during the week, freaks out when Emily plays her drums even though it's within the agreed time slot and lands Emily with looking after Karrie on a night that Emily has plans, because she "doesn't trust" babysitters and knows that Emily can't risk saying no and kicking off a huge row.

Meanwhile, the twins are having a lovely time hanging out with their grandparents, who are of course, the most perfect old people ever. At a family dinner, their eyes twinkle no less than three times within two pages. It must be like trying to eat beside a discoball. While all this is going on, Alice Wakefield has started to feel like she doesn't spend enough time with the girls and gets all sad when she springs last minute plans on the twins but they're already doing something with the grandparents. She comes home early to make a surprise steak dinner for everyone, but the twins are going for Chinese with Grandma and Grandpa, and Alice and Ned couldn't possibly join them because Ned doesn't like Chinese food. Like, just stick the steak in the freezer and Ned can either get the Chicken Maryland or stay at home and make his own fucking dinner. Come on, Alice.

Anyway, Emily totally fancies The Droids bass player, Dan. He's been covering for her when she can't make it to band practice because of Karen's dumb curfew, although she's been keeping her troubles at home a secret from him as she doesn't think he'd be interested in her if he knew what a mess things were. Also, Emily has always told people in school that her mother died when Emily was young, but the truth is that she left without any explanation and fucked off to Chicago. Elizabeth is the only other person that knows this, because she's so amazing that she's easier to confide in than any of Emily's actual friends. This is explicitly stated, by the way.

So, Dan has arranged to call over to Emily's house after school so he can check out the new cymbals she ordered from LA and Karen will be out of the house at a doctor's appointment with Karrie, so what could POSSIBLY go wrong? Only Karen arriving home with the baby before Emily realised and immediately screaming at her for having a boy over without her permission and totally humiliating Emily by bringing her mother into it. She tells Emily that she's turning into her mother and that she won't have her baby growing up in a house with a tramp, and all in front of Dan. Karen! You fucking bitch! She then runs off upstairs crying, like she's the victim somehow and poor Emily is left there sobbing as Dan awkwardly leaves and it's all just HORRIBLE.

A distraught Emily then calls Elizabeth at home and tries to tell her what happened but breaks down crying.

"You sound terrible Emily, why don't you come over right away and we can talk about whatever it is that happened?"

Just couldn't help herself, could she. Emily decides to walk over to the Wakefields' house and honest to god, we get an ENTIRE page of Emily thinking about how great Elizabeth is, because when your life is falling apart, the transcendent Wakefield twins are the only thing to keep you going. Emily arrives at the house and ends up telling everyone at the dinner table all about what happened. She asks if she can stay with them "for a while", which is pretty awkward, considering that she and Liz are essentially casual acquaintances. Ned says that she can stay for the night, but only if she calls her father to let him know where she is. However, when she calls her dad he's clearly taken Karen's side and won't listen to anything Emily says, demanding that she come home or else he'll put her drums out on the street. Not cool, Dad.

The absolute hack of Emily here. I mean, she looks nice and all, but she's the drummer in Sweet Valley's hottest band who are practically Jem & The Holograms, not some square tennis player who probably wears their jumper knotted around their shoulders. COP ON, EMILY.

The next day at school, Dan tries to talk to Emily, but she's acting all cold and says she's quitting The Droids and selling her drums. She asks Liz to put an ad in the school paper for her drums, at which point Liz bombards her with questions about what happened when she got home, despite the fact that Emily just said she didn't want to talk about it. Elizabeth and Dan then decide that Emily giving up music is a terrible idea, as it means so much to her, so they come up with a plan where Dan will buy the drums for safe keeping. They also keep referring to her as a kid (Elizabeth: "You poor kid!" / Dan: "That crazy kid") which is weird and pretty patronising, considering they're all the same age.

At home, Karen continues to be mad at Emily for essentially no reason and when Dan calls to say that a friend of his will buy her drums, Emily is upset that he doesn't try to talk her out of it. Her father comes to talk to her that evening and when she tells him that she sold her drums he accuses her of being a martyr and says that he had hoped the three of them could come to a reasonable solution, which is a bit fucking rich, considering that he hasn't once listened to Emily's side of the story and appears oblivious to the fact that his awful wife is Lady Tremaine-ing the living fuck out of his daughter and is the one who has pushed her to this point.

For the next while, all Emily does is go to school and babysit Karrie. One evening, Karen gives Karrie a doll with beads for eyes because she's a fucking idiot, and the baby ends up swallowing one of the beads and starts to choke. Karen freaks out and starts shaking her and won't let go, so Emily ends up having to slap Karen to make her let go of the baby and then saves Karrie's life. Emily's dad arrives in to see the baby screaming crying, Karen being hysterical and Emily about to faint and immediately accuses Emily of trying to murder the baby or something. Karen doesn't bother her hole explaining the situation or even being the tiniest bit grateful, she just stands there crying, so Emily's dad, as usual, won't listen to Emily when she starts to explain and just tells her to get out, because he's a dickhead.

Emily ends up back over at the Wakefields' place, with her money from selling her drums and a plan to head for Chicago to try to find her mother. She calls the apartment where her mother had been living the last time they were in touch, four years previously, but it turns out that her mother remarried and moved to Mexico. Grandma Wakefield then comes in and tells Emily some conveniently relevant story about how Grandpa Wakefield had a son from a previous marriage when they got together and how difficult it was for her and this random uncle of the twins who is never mentioned again in the entirety of this series to get along at first, particularly after she had Ned.

While all this is going on, Elizabeth called Emily's dad to let him know where his daughter is (Jessica calls her a rat for doing so - ha!) and he turns up at the house with Karen and Karrie in tow. Karen apologises for being a horrible cunt to Emily and begs her forgiveness, explaining that she was jealous of Emily because she and her dad were so close. Emily immediately rushes over and hugs her and the baby and all the Mayers end up in a group hug, although her dad didn't actually apologise for being a tool and accusing her of trying to hurt her sister, but everyone's happy now so I guess that's all just FINE.

Meanwhile, Alice's weird jealousy of all the time the twins are spending with their grandparents is resolved when Ned tells the twins that their mother feels left out lately, so they ask her to help them plan a going away party for Grandma and Grandpa and that fixes everything in that completely pointless subplot that went absolutely nowhere. The Mayers are invited to the party too and Elizabeth surprises Emily by having The Droids set up in the dining room with her drums and the band then plays a set because these people are all fucking ridiculous. Afterwards, Emily figures out that Dan was the one who bought her drums and she tells him he's wonderful.

The look she gave him said it all. She had a feeling the two of them were going to make some pretty special music together.

Read: boning.

Notable outfit:
There was a CRIMINAL lack out outfits in this one. Literally nothing! A blue scarf is about all we got out of it and I for one am DISAPPOINTED. Do better, ghostwriter.

Things I counted:
Number of pages: 153
References to the twins' blue-green eyes: 2
References to the fact that the twins are blonde: 2
(TWO? How are we supposed to remember that the twins are blonde with only TWO references?)
Amount of times Karrie is referred to as "little Karrie", in case we forgot she was a baby: 19