Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery 2 (Vol. 5)

Alright! It's this week's 50 Shades Day!

LET'S DO THIS MOTHERFUCKER.

(Catch up: Vol 1, 2, 3 and 4)


So, all the lipstick drawing naturally leads to yet another sex scene, identical to most of the previous ones, full of "Oh baby", "I want you", foil packets and "Oh my", as per usual.

Amount of times Ana says "Oh my" altogether: 40 (Forty. COME ON.)

Foil packets: 15

Let's talk about foil packets for a minute. I mean, surely it's not REALLY necessary for EL James to inform us of "the telltale rip" of a goddamn condom wrapper every single time Christian and Ana bang. Every time! At this stage you kind of have to wonder if there's some manner of Pavlovian response deal going on here. Like, if Christian rips the foil on a microwave dinner, or, like, some tin foil, is Ana just automatically taking her pants off? Worth investigating, surely.

Anyway, after all the sexy sexing, Christian whips off his condom "dropping it unceremoniously on the floor beside the bed" because he's gross as well as a terrible person. His poor housekeeper, having to clean up his spoogy carpets. Bleh.

"I hate those things. I've a good mind to call Dr. Greene around to give you a shot."

Hey, cool, have your girlfriend forcibly injected with birth control hormones without even consulting her first. ROMAAAANCE. After a little while, the subject of Elena comes up again when Ana starts touching his chest along the agreed lines.

"My past is my past. It's a fact. I can't change it. I'm lucky that you don't have one, because it would drive me crazy if you did."

Oh, ok, so he's telling Ana to get over the fact that he has a past, but if she had one it'd be the biggest deal EVAR? Yeah that sounds totally fair and not at all like a ridiculous double standard. Fucker.

They're supposed to be going to some big charity event that evening at Christian's parents' house, so Ana gets ready, putting on fancy clothes from the wardrobe that Christian had stocked for her, taking care to tell us exactly how much her new underwear, dress and shoes all costed. Then Christian arrives into the room with the ben-wa balls from the last book and has clearly decided that an evening where she has to hang out with his parents is the perfect time to stick them into Ana.

Before they leave for the charity thing, Christian gives Ana a decorated mask (the one on the book cover, in fact) because the event that night is a masquerade ball. Then Christian shows her the library in his apartment that EL forgot to include in the first book, which has a pool table in the middle of the floor. I can't think of any reason for this bit, other than introducing the pool table so they can angry-bone on it later.

In the car on the way to the gala thing, Ana asks Christian where he got the lipstick from earlier.

He smirks at me and points toward the front. "Taylor" he mouths.

What? Really? Is Taylor a secret ladies man? Or into drag? Either way, I want to know more. Taylor is easily the most interesting character in this entire series. MOAR TAYLOR.

They get to the party and there's a fuckload of boring descriptions of everything, including how many entrances there are to the dance floor. For real. I know any time I read about a fictional party, my first thought is to hope there's enough fire exits. Anyway, Christian's sister Mia appears and brings Ana over to her friends to introduce them.

I shoot a quick panicked glance at Christian, who shrugs in a resigned I-know-she's-impossible-I-had-to-live-with-her-for-years way, and let Mia lead me over to a group of four young women.

I mean, introducing people? At a party? HOW BLOODY INAPPROPRIATE. GODDAMMIT MIA, YOU LEAVE PRINCESS ANA ALONE.

They sit at their table with Christian's parents and Ana is introduced to his grandparents.

"Grandmother, Grandfather, may I introduce Anastasia Steele?"
Mrs. Trevelyan is all over me like a rash. "Oh he's finally found someone, how wonderful and so pretty!"

Like a rash. This is how Ana reacts to someone's GRANDMOTHER being NICE TO HER.


For some reason, we get the entire pretentious dinner menu listed on one of the pages, because "oh my" and "holy fuck" can only fill up the word count to a certain point, I suppose. It actually really annoyed me because it's so pointless, even though I'm really into George RR Martin describing every bit of food going in A Song Of Ice And Fire. Although I suppose the major difference there is engaging and enjoyable writing, compared to EL James and her mission to ruin sex and the English language for everyone.

Ana decides she's had enough of the sex toys currently inside her (because she's still got a cooch full of ben-wa balls, remember) and gets up to go to the bathroom. Christian "darkly" says he'll show her the way (he says most things "darkly"), but Mia insists on taking Ana, so he sits there and sulks because he doesn't get to bang his girlfriend in the bathroom at his parents' party.

There's a list of auction prizes (which, like the menu, we pointlessly get the entirety of) and one of the items is a weekend in Aspen, donated by a Mr. C. Grey. Taken aback, Ana asks Christian if he owns the place in Aspen (the basement of which is presumably filled with the bones of Colorado cheerleaders). "He nods, surprised at my outburst and irritated, I think." WHY. Why would he be irritated by that? I hate this fucking guy so much.

The bidding moves on to the Aspen weekend and as it's about to go for twenty thousand dollars, Ana suddenly bids the twenty four thousand that Christian put in her account and wins. I have no idea why she does this. She's just paid for a weekend at Christian's own house.

Of course, her first thought is how mad Christian is going to be and true to form, he leans over to Ana with "a large fake smile plastered across his face" and whispers in "a very cold, controlled voice":

'I don't know whether to worship at your feet or spank the living shit out of you."

Instead of finding that completely fucking terrifying, Ana finds it totally hot. Yeah, fake rictus grins and a cold, controlled voice are exactly what gets a girl going, apparently. Christian then takes her hand and puts it on his lap, so she can jack him off through his pants AT THE TABLE WITH HIS GRANDPARENTS. NO.

Their wildly inappropriate fondling is interrupted by Mia dragging Ana towards the stage for the First Dance Auction, which is exactly what it sounds like. A bunch of the girls at the party line up on stage so rich men can bid on a dance with them and the MC refers to the women as "comely and compliant wenches", which is gross. The girls before Ana all go for around four or five thousand dollars and when it's her turn a mystery stranger gets into a bidding war with Christian, resulting in Christian winning the auction with a one hundred thousand dollar bid. Ana is standing there, telling us how mortified she is, but if anything I feel bad for the girl who went for three thousand earlier. Sucks to be her.

After the meat market auction there's a bit of time before the dancing kicks off, so Christian takes Ana up to his old childhood room for some spanking and banging, during which he says "This is going to be quick, baby". Between that and "put the chicken in the fridge", Christian really needs to up his dirty talk game. They go back outside for the dancing and after the first song, the mystery dude from earlier arrives to cut in and turns out to be Dr. Flynn, Christian's therapist. Who he surely shouldn't be hanging out with at social occasions, I would have thought.

"I'm glad to finally meet you, Anastasia. Are you enjoying yourself?" he asks.
"I was," I whisper.

Remind me again why everyone is so crazy about this rude, whiny, discourteous little bitch? Seriously. She's just awful. Later on, when she's alone, Ana is confronted by Elena, who tells Ana that Christian obviously loves her and that she's never seen him like this before.

A hundred images dance through my head: the iPad, the gliding, flying to see me, all his actions, his possessiveness, one hundred thousand dollars for a dance. Is this love?

At this point I actually shouted, quite loudly, "NO! NONE OF IT FUCKING IS!"

NOT A SINGLE ONE OF THOSE THINGS IS LOVE. THEY ARE ALL CHRISTIAN THINKING HE OWNS YOU.


Anyway, Elena continues and says that she's happy for the two of them, but if Ana hurts Christian again, she'll come after her and...I dunno, beat her up or something? She just says "I will find you, lady, and it won't be pleasant when I do." At this point, Ana actually gets her sass on and surprisingly manages to stand up for herself instead of running off crying and biting her lip or whatever.

"Christian and I have nothing to do with you. And if I do leave him and you come looking for me, I'll be waiting - don't doubt it. And maybe I'll give you a taste of your own medicine on behalf of the fifteen year old child you molested and probably fucked up even more than he already was."

We'll just breeze past the part where Ana appears to be threatening to have sex with Elena. She storms off and finds Christian, who says he'll talk to Elena and asks Ana not to let the encounter ruin their evening. Then while Ana is in the bathroom, he rings Elena, telling her to back off, even though she's like, right over there. They can probably see each other while they're talking on the phone.

At midnight there's a fireworks display and while Christian and Ana are in the crowd, Taylor and the extra security guys that Christian has hired due to Leila are milling around. After the show, Christian mentions that the fireworks have probably aged Taylor by a hundred years. Has he got PTSD? Was he in the army? Seriously, why can't this book be about Taylor instead?

Ana is tired so they decide to leave the party and say goodbye to Christian's parents.

"Please do come again, Anastasia, it's been lovely having you here," says Grace kindly.
I am a little overwhelmed by both her and Carrick's reaction.

Overwhelmed. By people being polite to her. Which is far more than she deserves.

Fortunately, Grace's parents have retired for the evening, so at least I am spared their enthusiasm.


As Christian and Ana head back to the car, Christian says that the following day "Dr. Greene is coming to sort you out." Sort her out? Fuck you, buddy! Ana asks why and what follows made me so angry that I almost smashed my iPad.

"Because I hate condoms," he says quietly. His eyes glint in the soft light from the paper lanterns, gauging my reaction.
"It's my body," I mutter, annoyed that he hasn't asked me.
"It's mine too," he whispers.


THE FUCKING FUCK IT IS, YOU ABSOLUTE COCK. YOU DID NOT JUST TELL A WOMAN IN ALL SERIOUSNESS THAT HER BODY BELONGS TO YOU. SOMEONE BRING ME MY WALLOPING STICK.

I'm not sure what's worse though, Christian legitimately thinking he owns Ana's body, or her reaction to that rage-inducing reply.

Yes, my body is his...he knows it better than I do.

Would it too much to ask for the aforementioned paper lantern to explode in flames and set both of these assholes on fire? Or for Leila to jump out from behind some bushes and murder the fuck out of both of them? Come on Leila, step it up a notch for fuck's sake.

When they get into the car, Sawyer (new security man working with Taylor) hands Ana a note that has been addressed to her. It's from Elena, and says that they've misjudged each other and to call her if she needs to "fill in any of the blanks". Of course, what they should both do here is just ignore Elena, but I somehow doubt that's what's going to happen.

They get back to Christian's apartment, but Sawyer stops them from entering, as he has just been informed that someone has slashed the tyres of Ana's Audi and thrown paint all over it. It was clearly Leila's doing, so the security team want to be sure that she isn't in the apartment. Christian goes in too, leaving Ana outside with Sawyer, and says that Leila can't have gotten in, even though she did just that while he was in Georgia, but hey. Oh and also, Taylor is going in through the service entrance with two other security lads called...for real...RYAN and REYNOLDS.

You rang?

This book is truly the gift that keeps on giving. I mean, it's a terrible gift that no one asked for, but it sure does give.

Queen of Hearts

Drag superstar, self-proclaimed court jester "whose duty is to say the un-sayable" and national fucking treasure Panti Bliss is the subject of the perfectly-titled documentary in progress, The Queen of Ireland. The filmmakers have been following the fabulous Panti for the last few years and will continue up to next year's referendum on equal marriage. It's ALSO going to chart the behind the scenes goings-on of Panti's life, which will include this year's Pantigate, when she called out the Iona Institute for being the jerkbags they are and recorded the amazing Noble Call speech in the Abbey Theatre.


It all sounds super exciting and I just want to watch it now. However, the post-production and equipment and licensing and all that type of stuff needs dolla dolla bills y'all and as such the team have got an IndieGoGo page where people can donate to help with the funding. The rewards include fun stuff like a thank you in the credits, t-shirts, badges and a download of the finished film.



There's seven days left to go for the funding deadline, so if you've been meaning to get involved and throw a few quid towards this glittery sparklebomb, well now's the time! It's going to be like a really fun, shiny and equality-driven episode of Reeling In The Years, without the IRA bombings and U2 songs. I can't wait to see how it turns out.

And even if you weren't aware of this project, then how could you not want to help a documentary about someone who went on the Maury Povich show for a "back to boy makeover", pretending to be Katherine Lynch's brother and slipping cigarettes and pep talks to teenage tearaway show guests between filming? AND had David Quinn and John Waters (the shite John Waters) clutching their pearls and crying into their lawyer's wigs? I mean, really.

You can donate HERE and you SHOULD because it's going to be deadly.

The Queen of Ireland is also on Facebook and Twitter.

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery 2 (Vol. 4)

Look at that! I wrote a post about Electric Picnic earlier in the week and NOW ONE OF THESE! I've never been this organised in my life, but I did say back along that I'd endeavor to post a shady Shades post once a week and dammit I WILL NOT LET YOU DOWN.

Also, please vote for me in the Image Blog Awards if you haven't already! Thaaanks!

(Catch up on previous volumes here: 1, 2 and 3.)

Let's do this thing!


Understandably enough, Ana is not happy to be in the place where Christian has clearly brought all his former subs to be groomed and waxed and polished to his liking, like some sort of sex steaks and where his former lover now appears to be working. Although Ana being Ana, this is how she describes her unease:

My scalp is trying to leave the building. It’s prickling with apprehension, and my subconscious is screaming at me to follow it.

Which just makes me picture her hair trying to make a break for it, dragging her along through the door after it. Follow that scalp, Ana.

She watches Christian talk to Elena (Mrs Robinson if ya nasty) and tries to figure out what's going on.

She nods, and I think she's wishing him luck, but my lip-reading skills aren't highly developed.

I know, Detox. I know.

Christian says goodbye and makes his way back over to Ana, who is furious at this stage and says she wants to go. Christian is baffled by her reaction and genuinely doesn't seem to understand why she isn't totally delighted to be there. Ana storms out and Christian follows her.

She points out how messed up the whole situation is and Christian admits that she's right and runs his hands through his hair. He does it a lot in this book. Fifteen times, in fact. It's the new "pants hanging from his hips". While they're talking, his phone rings and he has another snappy conversation where we hear him say things like "Killed in a car crash? When?" in amongst lots of dot-dot-dot bits. While this is going on, Ana contemplates how amazingly special she is.

People bustle past us, lost in their Saturday morning chores. No doubt contemplating their own personal dramas. I wonder if they include stalker ex-submissives, stunning ex-Dommes and a man who has no concept of privacy under United States law.

Christian eventually finishes up and Ana has to make him tell her what's going on. It turns out that Leila left her husband three months ago and ran off with a guy who was killed in the aforementioned car crash four weeks ago. Christian then tells Ana to gets in the car and come with him back to his place, seemingly forgetting that he and Ana were in the middle of a conversation, until Ana reminds him. Amazingly, the world doesn't pause itself when he takes a phone call. He says they're going back to his place and Ana's like "eh, no, I'm getting a haircut, jerk". So Christian arranges for a hairdresser named Franco to come to his apartment and tells Ana that she's coming with him, even if he has to drag her there by her hair. How lovely! HOW ROMANTIC. EXCUSE ME WHILE I SWOON.

We glare at each other - and abruptly he sweeps down, clasps me round my thighs and lifts me. Before I know it, I am over his shoulder.

I swear I could illustrate this whole mess solely through the medium of Drag Race gifs.

Apparently passers-by in Seattle aren't concerned by the sight of a man throwing a woman over his shoulder and carrying her down the street while she screams, because the people around them just stare instead of doing anything, which doesn't really seem like real life as surely at least one person would be calling the cops right about then.

He finally releases Ana from his caveman grip when she agrees to go with him and she suddenly realises that something drastic must have happened with Leila for him to get so freaked out all of a shot. Christian (again, after much convincing because he doesn't seem to think that Ana's wellbeing is any of her business) tells her that Leila has gotten a concealed weapons permit, apparently without a background check. Many other people online have pointed out that that would actually be pretty much impossible, as background checks are mandatory in the state of Washington and after Leila's suicide attempt, there's no way that would actually happen for real. But this book doesn't concern itself with pesky and unsexy things like facts. Facts are for squares.

Ana's anger disappears at the thought of Christian being hurt, even though, newsflash idiot: Leila is gunning for you too. Self-preservation is also for squares.

On the way to Christian's place, Ana asks about Elena and is told that she runs the beauty salons and Christian is a silent partner. She was a bored trophy wife and helped him out back when he dropped out of Harvard, loaning him money to start his first business. He also mentions that her then-husband wouldn't let her work.

"You know, he was controlling. Some men are like that." 
He gives me a quick sideways grin.
"Really? A controlling man, surely a mythical creature?"

HA HA HA. BECAUSE CHRISTIAN'S CONTROLLING BEHAVIOUR IS SO CUTE AND FUNNY AND TOTALLY NORMAL AND NOT AT ALL A CAUSE FOR CONCERN.

Also, while they're talking about Elena, during her narration of the conversation Ana refers to her as "Mrs. Extraordinarily-Glamorous-In-Spite-Of-Being-Old" and it's like...she's only in her late thirties or possibly early forties, you little bitch. My god, she's practically DECREPIT.

They get to Christian's apartment and we find out in passing that Taylor has a daughter. Ana asks about her, while Christian stands by impatiently and CHRIST he's just so fucking rude to everyone that works for him. He goes off to make some calls, so Ana wanders up to her room in the apartment and rings her mother. She tells Ana that her and her husband Bob are thinking about moving to Vegas from Georgia and Ana's self-involvement can pretty much be summed up by her reaction to this news:

Oh, someone else has problems. I'm not the only one.


Christian finds her and she finishes up talking to her mam immediately, even though she's had to wait around for ages every time he takes a call. Franco arrives to cut Ana's hair and speaks in a Super Mario accent the whole time and is, like, super-gay so he manages to avoid being choke-slammed into the wall by Christian for touching Ana.

After her haircut, Christian asks Ana if she's still mad at him and when she says yes, he suggests that they have sex instead of talking about it. He's intent on fucking all their problems away. Ana says no, so they decide to talk about it over lunch.

"I'm hungry, and not just for food" is what Christian says. You see, his go-to attempt at flirty humour is to pretend that he's confusing sex with food and he does this ALL THE TIME. He's practically Oscar Wilde.

Before lunch though, he explains that his repeated outrageous invasions of Ana's privacy is totally fine, because he does background checks on ALL his submissives. Because that's SO much better. He shows Ana a folder with her name on it that contains her birth certificate (which there is absolutely no good reason for him to need) and a bunch of other stuff about her, but it's fine because he doesn't MISUSE all the information that he collects about these women. In his filing cabinet. HE LITERALLY HAS BINDERS FULL OF WOMEN.

Ana points out that he does in fact misuse these details, as he put a load of money into her account that she expressly did not want. But it's ok, says Christian because he's SUPER RICH and the money meant nothing to him. Because, again, her feelings on the subject are irrelevant.

"Anastasia, I earn roughly one hundred thousand dollars an hour."

THEREFORE I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT REGARDLESS OF HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT IT.


Ana makes a Spanish omlette for lunch, while dancing around to Beyoncé in the kitchen. Buzz Killington then arrives and switches the music to I Put A Spell On You.

I watch him, enthralled as slowly, like the predator he is (NOT A GOOD THING), he stalks me in time to the slow sultry beat of the music. He's barefoot, wearing just an untucked white shirt, jeans and a smouldering look.

So again, fully dressed. Also, someone "stalking" their way across a kitchen in time to music would look totally ridiculous and it's just yet another time that Christian is supposedly being devastatingly sexy, whereas in real life you'd actually laugh your ass off at him.

They eat their tortilla and then Ana goes to her room to look up multiple personality disorder on her laptop, because of Christian's mad mood swings. Seriously. Oh yeah, and she "fires up Google" again, because she's like a hundred years old when it comes to technology. (Although that's actually not fair to elderly people. My Grandad is in his nineties and on Viber for god's sake.)

Christian arrives into the room and they have some playful chit-chat about serious mental illness. Tee hee. He then produces a tube of red lipstick (that he just had lying around, I guess?) and suggests that they draw the boundaries he has when it comes to Ana touching his chest, as he's been freaking out every time she so much as glances at his torso from the beginning. He takes off his shirt and gets her to draw a bunch of lines on him, cordoning off all the bits around his still-mysterious cigarette burn scars and it takes, like an entire page of dicking around before it's done.

It looks like he's wearing a bizarre skin-coloured vest with a harlot red trim.

Don't you hate it when someone turns up in the same outfit as you?

Ana also throws out yet another "holy fuck" mid drawing session, so will we take a look at the amount of times she comes out with one of her annoying exclamations? Let's.

Holy cow: 38
Holy fuck: 29
Holy crap: 7
Holy hell: 7

Aaand for fun, the amount of times the word "crap" appears in the entire book: 34

Fitting, really.

Stradbally Shenanigans

Ah God. Another Picnic over and I had forgotten just how utterly banjaxed I tend to be after it. I appear to have developed a weird neck-pain-and-headache-combo two days later and I'M JUST SO SLEEPY.


It was however one of the best Electric Picnics yet, thanks to a combination of deadly people to hang out with, an excellent line up, mostly dry weather and just somehow managing to get loads of acts in without any stress or disappointments. And here are some of the things we saw.


A very angry girl wearing a floral headband in the Oscar Wilde campsite furiously declaring "I just want some fucking chocolate. THAT'S ALL I WANT."

Booka Brass Band's cover of Talk Dirty To Me. A terrible song made awesome by a ton of brass and whittling the stupid lyrics down to the song title. Amazing fun.


A nice bit of camping in the Janis Joplin site (or the Jackie Jormp-Jomp site - hello 30 Rock fans!) with actual space between the tents and no screaming teenagers covered in marker and stickers and Native American headdresses. Just lovely.

Sitting in Body & Soul when I Want You Back by the Jackson 5 came on, resulting in me dancing like Baby Groot, while Billy played the part of Drax.

Crow Black Chicken in both the Electric Sideshow tent and Jimmy Lee's Juke Joint, who you'd swear are from some magic Louisiana blues swamp, rather than Clonmel.


Pie. Pie pie pie. I LOVE PIE.


Rubberbandits tearing the fucking roof off the Comedy Tent. Their set was without doubt one of my all-time festival highlights. The usual sit-down affair that the comedy tent tends to be was immediately thrown out the window, as we all clambered onto our feet to dance and sing/scream along to Spoiling Ivan, Dad's Best Friend and Fight Me At Mass. Their creepy Gabriel Byrne puppet made an appearance for Fellas and they even knocked out a crafty, hilarious and perfectly-aimed song about abortion (or to be more specific, a song about trying to avoid conversations about abortion). It sounds impossible, but if anyone can do it, Rubberbandits can. I wanted to jump onstage and shift the pair of them for being such utter fucking legends.

Realising that pretty much every fun party song from the last forty years was written by Nile Rodgers.


The joy that glowsticks bring to people. They're the best €2 you'll spend before heading to a festival and you get loads of them in a cardboard tube. After the weekend I now have a new system that ranks happiness on a scale of 1 to Aoife With Glowstick Bracelets.


This Side Up at the Salty Dog at three in the morning, bringing their Sligo Shtyle hip-hop to the Stradbally forest and tearing it the hell up. I particularly love their "These lads/Are feckin' class" refrain, especially when it's followed by "See you? You're feckin' class", which is something that I then proceeded to say to everyone for the rest of the night. Or morning, as it were.


Lily Allen putting on a hell of a show, with bloody gorgeous purple hair, great stage banter and rows of giant milk bottles.

My friend Gary being held aloft in the Comedy Tent by some big strong lads, including the Bear for Abandoman's last song, which was about Gary having a jetpack and meeting Bill Clinton.

Catching Kelis just in time for Milkshake.

Beck opening with Devil's Haircut and setting the pace for a fantastic, outrageously entertaining set that included a guitar solo ending with the guitarist being good-naturedly dragged offstage by the legs, Beck proclaiming that "There's nothing quite like a moist crowd" (the Sunday night drizzle had just kicked in) and the entire band's shuffling group hug exit from the stage.

All in all, it was a blast. EP 2015 had better bring it.

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery 2 (Vol. 3)

Are you ready for more Fifty Shades of Unbearable Drivel? Hooray! First of all though, I've been shortlisted in the Humour category for the Irish Blog Awards and the Wildcard category for the Image.ie Blog Awards so a HUGE thank you and awkward hug to the people who nominated me. The Image.ie one is decided by votes, so if you enjoy my sweary rambling, then please click here and vote for me!

(Catch up: Vol 1 and 2)

And now, this.


Christian and Ana finally get around to making that stir-fry, although I imagine Ana did most of the work on that front, seeing as Christian was bewildered by unchopped red peppers earlier. They're sitting on Kate's Persian rug, eating their noodles and drinking white wine (easy known Kate is away, otherwise I'd hope that she'd tell these jerks to stop eating on her nice rug and use the damn table, fucking pronto) and Christian is described thusly:

Christian leans against the couch, his long legs stretched out in front of him. He’s wearing his jeans and his shirt with his just-fucked hair, and that’s all.

Two things.
A - Did she have sex with his hair?
and B - He's wearing jeans and a shirt and "that's all"?
That's pretty much fully dressed, Ana.

Their conversation eventually turns back to Christian buying the company that Ana works for, when she tells him that she's still mad at him.

“I know but you being mad, baby, wouldn’t stop me.”

Sound.

“If I leave and find another job, will you buy that company, too?”
“You’re not thinking of leaving, are you?” His expression alters, wary once more.
“Possibly. I’m not sure you’ve given me a great deal of choice.”
“Yes, I will buy that company, too.” He is adamant.

So apart from being infuriatingly condescending AND CRAZY, here's another situation where Ana has told him how she feels about his actions and he's just like "you're so cute when you're mad, and I couldn't give a fuck about what you want, remember? Let's fuck!" 

So instead of Ana being utterly horrified by the amount of control that Christian is hell-bent on having over her work life, they do some terrible, unamusing banter where they're supposedly being sarcastic with each other and then go have sex with vanilla ice cream thrown in the mix. VANILLA, GEDDIT? LIKE THE SEX THEY'RE HAVING! HA HA HA. THEY'RE SO FUNNY.

At least Ana actually uses the word vagina this time, so that's progress and a definite improvement on "down there". She also tells us really helpful things like "Oh...it’s cold" when Christian eats ice cream off her boobs. Such insight. Oh and when they both come, it's described as such:

Like the sorcerer’s apprentice I am, I let go, and we find our release together.

I don't know about you, but if I hear the words "sorcerer's apprentice", I immediately think of this:

Yeah, Mickey. You dirty little mouse.

After all the sticky sex and frankly, wasting of perfectly good Ben & Jerry's ice cream, Ana drifts off to sleep and has a nightmare about the girl that approached her outside work the previous night. She wakes up screaming and tells Christian about the encounter and to the surprise of exactly no-one, it turns out that it was Leila, his ex-sub.

What if she means a lot to him? Perhaps he misses her? I know so little about his past...um, relationships. She must have had a contract, and she would have done what he wanted, given him what he needed gladly. Oh no - when I can’t. The thought makes me nauseous.

Bear in mind that Ana is talking about a girl who was bedraggled and gaunt and quite clearly in a bit of a state when she saw her, not to mention the bloodied bandage on her wrist, which would read as a suicide attempt to anyone else, but Ana's main concern is that Christian might still be into her.

On hearing this news, Christian jumps out of bed in a panic to call someone named Welch, tells them to "find her", says he'll talk to Leila and that she's in trouble. Ana follows him out to the kitchen and offers to make tea.

“Actually, I’d like to go back to bed.” His look tells me that it’s not to sleep.

AH HERE. His unstable ex-sub has been FOLLOWING Ana and he said himself that Leila is in some kind of trouble, and therefore desperate but hey, let's bone. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

In fairness to Ana, she says she wants to know what the fuck is going on, in so many words. Christian is all "it doesn't concern you" only, eh, the fuck it doesn't, as this girl has TRACKED HER DOWN AT HER PLACE OF WORK. It turns out that "the situation" he kept banging on about in the last book when he had to leave Georgia in a hurry, was Leila turning up at his apartment and trying to kill herself.

Christian asks Ana why she didn't tell him about Leila yesterday, but she just forgot about it apparently and now it's time for more sex.

“Forget about her. Come.” He holds out his hand.

Oh, ok then. I suppose having TWO scary stalkers isn't anything to be worried about then.


The next morning, Ana is fiddling with her hair in the mirror, but oh it's just TOO LONG. Just like how she's TOO THIN and TOO PRETTY. She asks Christian how often he works out and he tells her about his personal trainer, Claude. He says she'd like him as a trainer and that he needs her fit for what he has in mind for her. Clearly Claude is on the approved list of men that she can be around, as Christian isn't flying into a rage at the thought of him LOOKING AT HIS PRECIOUS ANA AND MAYBE TOUCHING HER ARM SOMETIME.

“Okay, I’ll meet Claude.”
“You will?” Christian’s face lights up in astounded disbelief.

Astounded disbelief. I swear to god, these people have the weirdest reactions.

His expression makes me smile. He looks like he’s won the lottery, though Christian’s probably never even bought a ticket - he has no need.

BECAUSE HE'S SUPER RICH YOU GUYS, REMEMBER?

Ana says she wants to get her hair cut, lodge a cheque that Christian had given her from before (when they broke up, I think?) and buy a car. Christian then hands her the keys to the Audi he bought her for her graduation in the last book, which she had given back. Ah, no, the cheque was him reimbursing her for selling on her old VW Beetle. Something like that. Something boring. And again, way to leave people who haven't read the first book at all (or read it ages ago and can't remember all the interminable admin that went on) completely in the dark as to what the fuck is going on.

Ana tries to hand him back the cheque so she'll be buying the Audi off him instead of just being given one.

“Oh no. That’s your money.”
“No, it isn’t. I’d like to buy the car from you.”
His expression changes completely. Fury - yes, fury - sweeps across his face.

FURY x2. Again with the weird reactions. "Hello, I saw your car on DoneDeal, what's your best price?" "FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FUCK." Sounds fair.

Ana rips up the cheque, so Christian storms off into another room and makes a phonecall, depositing a heap of money into her bank account.

"How do you know my account number?”
My ire takes Christian by surprise. 
 (Because he DIDN'T think that was an insanely intrusive thing to find out, unasked?)
“I know everything about you, Anastasia,” he says quietly.

NOOOOOOOOPE. NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE.

And just to be clear:


However, they're both standing there, really mad at each other, her at him for being a controlling asshole, and him at her for showing some backbone. So naturally, they end up making out up agin' a wall, but he's out of condoms so they go for breakfast instead of riding on the carpet. THANK GOD.

“Okay,” I acquiesce and just like that, our fight is over.

AGAIN. NOPE. Your fight isn't over, you're both just ignoring the glaring issues in your horrible relationship and going for pancakes instead. I mean, granted, pancakes can probably solve most problems, but I don't think a controlling, manipulative, fucking insane boyfriend would count among them.

Ana pays for breakfast, which makes Christian all grumpy, like the last time when she offered to pay for their meal in IHOP and he was TOTES EMASCULATED. Independence in women is SO UNAPPEALING.

Christian then brings Ana to a fancy salon called Esclava (which is the Spanish term for female slave, so at least EL went to the trouble of looking up at least one word in a dictionary) and we get another classic James description, like all the GLASS and STEEL of Christian's office building in the first book.

The interior is all white and leather. At the stark white reception desk sits a young blond woman in a crisp white uniform.

It's WHITE, you see, and the reception desk is WHITE and WHITE WHITE WHITE THIS WORD HAS LOST ALL MEANING. WHITE.

Ana is completely baffled by the fact that the receptionist and Christian know each other, like really really unnecessarily confused. I just thought maybe he gets his hair cut here, but I forgot about him being a super-successful super-rich super-businessman for a second, so it turns out that he owns the salon, along with three others. Suddenly, a gorgeous older woman in a black salon uniform appears  and Christian goes over to talk to her.

Ana refers to her as Platinum Blonde while describing her, which is something that Ana does constantly when she meets or sees someone whose name she doesn't know. Every time. So far in this book we've had Miss Very Short Hair and Red Lipstick (the girl who welcomed them to José's show), Blond Shock (a guy with "a shock of bright blond hair" who had the audacity to say that the portraits of Ana were nice) and Ghost Girl (Leila). It's extremely annoying.

Anyway, there's all this build-up to Ana figuring out who this foxy woman is, eventually culminating with:

Then it hits me like a wrecking ball, and I know, deep down in my gut on a visceral level, I know who it is. It’s her. Stunning, older, beautiful.
 
It’s Mrs. Robinson.


DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN. Mrs. Robinson is what Ana has been calling Elena, a friend of Christian's who had a fling with him when he was fifteen. Well, that and Mrs. Paedo. Because Ana is a massive child.

****
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WILDCARD, BITCHES!

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery 2 (Vol. 2)

Heyoooo it's that time again!

Catch up with Vol. 1 here.


Christian and Ana get to the restaurant and he immediately orders steak for the two of them, without so much as looking at Ana. He's essentially the asshole character from an Eighties film that Molly Ringwald finally realises is terrible and walks out on and everyone cheers. He is the opposite of a romantic hero. But apparently an arrogant, cruel, controlling and abusive fuckface is what women are looking for in a man nowadays and if you'll excuse me, I'm off to BURN DOWN EVERYTHING.

Over dinner, Christian angrily tells Ana off for leading José on with her hug and kiss, as if his fucking planet-sized jealousy isn't actually the issue here. This is a guy who literally just bought seven giant portraits of Ana's face so OTHER PEOPLE CAN'T LOOK AT HER.

He snaps at the waiter he orders wine from (nothing gets a girl going like her date being unnecessarily rude to waiting staff) and Ana wonders what his problem is. But really, for a guy who's meant to be so WONDERFUL and MISUNDERSTOOD, he does an awful lot of snapping at and generally being an asshole to people he clearly sees as less important than he is. Would you like to know how often Christian "snaps" at people? Because I counted.

32 times. (He is CONSTANTLY SNAPPING. Although he only snarls at Ana 8 times.)

Isn't he a fucking DELIGHT?

In the meantime:

"Somewhere in the depths of my psyche, my inner goddess rises sleepily, stretches, and smiles. She's been asleep for a while."

Oh here we fucking go. Someone please shoot that bitch with a tranquiliser gun and maybe she'll go back to sleep.

They talk some stuff over, he tells her she should have used the safe word during their last encounter (which is true, although he also could have read the situation a little better) and says that he's been miserable for the past five days too, although his way of saying that is "I’m in perpetual night here".


Anyway, they eat dinner (when her steak arrives, Ana's reaction is "Holy hell. Food" because she's forgotten that she's in a restaurant, I guess?) and Christian says he has a proposition for her.

He has a proposition? What now? A couple of scenarios run through my mind: kidnap, working for him. No, nothing makes sense.

If KIDNAP is something that legitimately comes to mind when, over dinner, your ex-boyfriend says he has a proposition for you, THEN WHAT THE JAYSUS FUCK ARE YOU STILL DOING THERE?

They get into the car after dinner and Taylor drives them back to Seattle, while they discuss this proposition, which basically turns out to be something along the lines of "let's keep fucking, but this time I won't wallop you with a belt". Although Christian's opening gambit, said with an entirely straight face and without a hint of humour (because it's Christian and he's precisely zero craic) is:

"Do you want a regular vanilla relationship with no kinky fuckery at all?"

Imagine saying that and being dead serious. Imagine. Kinky fuckery, like. State of him.

They agree to do away with all the rules and punishments, but Christian still doesn't want to be touched because of his childhood, crack whore mother, etc etc, whatever. He actually calls his mother "the crack whore" in that conversation, because the writing in this is just so awesome. Also, he reveals that his mother killed herself and it took four days for her body and baby Christian to be discovered.

All that takes three pages of outrageously boring dialogue, with a few nonsensical Anastasia classics thrown in, such as:

"My anxiety level has shot up several magnitudes on the Richter scale."

On a completely unrelated note, MAGNITUDE IS THE KID WHO PLAYED LEE JORDAN IN THE HARRY POTTER FILMS. I discovered this fact about a month ago and still can't believe it.

"I stare at him, stunned, with no thoughts in my head at all - like a computer crash."

No thoughts in her head at all apart from the computer crash one, which isn't anything like what a computer crash actually is.

Christian drops Ana off at her place and gives her a big gift-wrapped box and says he wants to see her the following night.

“My boss wants me to go for a drink with him tomorrow.”
Christian’s face hardens. “Does he, now?” His voice is laced with latent menace.
“To celebrate my first week,” I add quickly.

LATENT MENACE. HOW LOVELY.

He agrees to collect her after her work drinks, Ana goes inside and opens the box to find the MacBook and Blackberry she had previously given back, along with a new iPad. See, latent menace is no big deal when it's swiftly followed by expensive gifts! Yaay! Also, the iPad has a playlist of songs that Christian put on it, to tell Ana how he feeeels because he has the emotional capabilities of a grumpy teenager.

The next day after work, Ana is heading for the bar across the road where everyone from the office is having a drink. Before that however, there's an infuriating amount of emails between her and Christian, many of which are only one sentence long, so I find myself hissing Have you cunts ever heard of texting? at the page.

Ana eventually leaves the office, only to be approached by a pale, dishevelled girl who looks a bit like her and knows her name. Her clothes are too big for her, she's got a manky bloodied bandage around one wrist and sadly says things like "What do you have that I don’t?" before wandering away.

"My subconscious rears her ugly head and hisses at me - She has something to do with Christian."

Ah, subconscious. Good of you to join us. Also, thank you Captain Obvious. She may as well have had TROUBLED FORMER SUB stamped on her forehead.

Ana gets to the bar, a bit shaken, has a few beers with her colleagues and proceeds to forget about the whole thing. Even though any normal person would be like "The weirdest thing just happened!" to the first person they'd meet. She gets talking to Claire, the receptionist and because Ana is just plain rude despite her innocent virgin act, starts to absent-mindedly wonder how Kate is doing on holiday, instead of listening to what Claire is saying. Thinking of Kate then reminds her:

Oh, and Ethan her brother will be back next Tuesday, and he’ll be staying in our apartment. I can’t imagine Christian is going to be happy about that.

OH HAI RED FLAG. For God's sake, it's none of Christian's business who Kate has over to HER APARTMENT, just because Ana happens to be sponging off her, rent free. And seriously, if your stupid boyfriend is going to freak out every time you interact with a man you're not related to, then it might be time to cut your losses and, as I've previously stated, RUN THE FUCK AWAY.

Anyway, Ana ends up chatting to Jack, her boss, (UH OH, UNSANCTIONED CONVERSATION WITH A MAN WHO HAS A PENIS) and when he asks her if she has any plans for the weekend, Christian magically appears and drapes his arm around her shoulder "in a seemingly casual display of affection - but I know differently. He is staking a claim, and on this occasion, it’s very welcome." OH PHEW, CRISIS AVERTED.

So he's meeting Ana's boss for the first time and instead of introducing himself and shaking his hand like a normal human, he wordlessly drapes himself all over his girlfriend, kisses her and "stares at Jack, his expression impassive." Then when Ana does the introductions, Christian goes “I’m the boyfriend.” Dude. Calm the fuck down. He's genuinely one step away from peeing in a circle all around Ana.

They leave and head to Ana's apartment, and Christian gives her a "scorching, panty-combusting look", which sounds downright painful. On the way there, Christian starts asking if Jack Hyde is good at his job and that he'd better stay away from Ana or "he’ll find himself on his ass on the sidewalk." Ana's all like "Eh, he hasn't done anything and you don't have that kind of power."

Christian gives me his enigmatic smile.
“You’re buying the company,” I whisper in horror.


CHRISTIAN HAS BOUGHT THE COMPANY THAT SHE WORKS FOR. ABORT ABORT GET OUT OF THE CAR. TUCK AND ROLL TIME, STEELE.

For once in her life, Ana actually has an appropriate reaction to something and is furious with him. He goes on about how he wanted to get into publishing anyway and SIP is a profitable company blah blah blah, it's clearly bollocks though, not least because his first explanation was “Because I can, Anastasia. I need you safe.” CHRIST ON A TRAMPOLINE. THE FURTHER SHE GETS AWAY FROM YOU, THE SAFER SHE IS. To her credit, she calls him an arse, although it's a wildly unlikely thing for an American to say, so well done there EL James. However, they both end up laughing, because his frightening need to control everything in Ana's life is actually hilarious, I suppose.

“Just because I have a stupid damn grin on my face doesn’t mean I’m not mad as hell at you,” I mutter breathlessly, trying to suppress my high-school-cheerleader giggling. Though I was never cheerleader - the bitter thought crosses my mind.

Really. Even with your sparkling personality. Quelle sur-fucking-prise. And surely right now you should be a little more concerned with the fact that your boyfriend is A TERRIFYING STALKER.

They get into the house and there's so much goddamn tedious conversation I can hardly stand it. He does his usual What's Ana Eaten Today? segment and when she says she hasn't eaten since lunchtime, he gets all frowny-faced, particularly when she says they'll have to go to the shop for food as there's nothing in the house and I keep thinking "Please just get a fucking takeaway and spare me a scene where you two insufferable titwipes go food shopping together."

“When was the last time you were in a supermarket?”
Christian looks out of place, but he follows me dutifully, holding a shopping basket.

Bastards.

Thankfully it's quick, but also completely pointless and doesn't actually move the plot along in any way, shape or form. They get back to the apartment, Ana gets started on a stir-fry and Christian says he wants to help.

I place a chopping board and some red peppers in front of him. He stares down at them in confusion.
“You’ve never chopped a vegetable?”
“No.”

Oh my fucking god. CONFUSED BY A VEGETABLE. Good luck making that sexy, Jamie Dornan.

Anyway, Ana has come up with a dastardly plan to drive him wild and makes sure to brush off him constantly while moving around the kitchen. Her plan works and Christian is overcome with desire:

“I think we’ll eat later,” he says. “Put the chicken in the fridge.”
This is not a sentence I had ever expected to hear from Christian Grey, (?) and only he can make it sound hot, really hot.

Wow, "put the chicken in the fridge"? Talk dirty to me Christian. "I've finished peeling those spuds." OOHHHH. "Is there any ketchup in the press?" SOOOO SEXYYYY. Tools.

He carries her to the bedroom and says that she has to tell him exactly what she wants.

“Undress me.” I am panting already.
“Good girl,” he murmurs.

And my face does this:


Then follows an excruciating sex scene, where Ana has to repeatedly tell us how hot the entire thing is and there are terrible parts like "he then reaches down to his discarded jeans, and like a good boy scout, produces a foil packet." What the hell are boy scouts getting up to these days?

Also, while Ana is mid-blowjob, she thinks to herself "I feel like Aphrodite".

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery 2 (Vol. 1)

Alright then!

I'm going to try to post one of these a week and hopefully it won't take until this time next year. So here's Fifty Shades Darker, aka Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery 2, Volume One.

Let's go!


We begin with a short prologue from the immediately grating perspective of baby Christian Grey, hiding under a table while an unnamed man is shouting at and beating up his mother. Most of this prologue is taken up by the words “You are one fucked-up bitch” as the phrase is repeated six times in a row for no reason other than to fill up the word count, I suppose. Welcome back to Terrible Writing Town, kids! Haven’t you missed it?

The man turns on baby Christian Grey, at which point adult Christian wakes up with a start, for ‘twas all a dream and I guess we’re supposed to feel bad for him and his unpleasant childhood, which is nigh on impossible given what an irredeemable asshole we know him to be.

But back to sad-sack protagonist Anastasia Steele, who is balls-deep in misery since breaking up with Christian at the end of the last book, which you would have to have read before this as there’s absolutely no indication for the uninitiated as to what the fuck is going on.

Ana has started a new job at a publishing company and OF COURSE her new boss wants to bone her because every male character in this series immediately wants to have sex with Ana, despite her being completely devoid of personality.

After her first day at the office, she comes home to an empty flat as Kate is away on holiday and so she stares at a brick wall for the evening. Seriously. Then a delivery of two dozen white roses arrives with a note from Christian, congratulating her on her first day of work. A perfectly normal thing to do once you've broken up with someone, yes?

"Dutifully, I make my way into the kitchen to hunt down a vase."

Dutifully. Because even inanimate flowers can boss Ana around.

Get us some water, bitch.

Also, Ana hasn't eaten in FIVE DAYS apparently because she's SO SAD, which just seems like such utter bollocks. I just had my lunch and I'm hungry again.

Then, at work, an email from Christian arrives (he's tracked down her work email address, but this doesn't bother Ana in the slightest) and OH MY GOD I FORGOT ABOUT ALL THE PAINFUL EMAIL EXCHANGES. From, Subject, Date, Time and To ARE NOT NECESSARY EVERY FUCKING TIME.

Anyway, Christian is asking whether Ana wants a lift to José's art show opening the following night back in Portland and because she's never heard of public transport, she says yes. This takes six emails, with either "Christian Grey, CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc." or "Anastasia Steele, Assistant to Jack Hyde, Commissioning Editor, SIP" at the end of every one, because email signatures must be somehow integral to plot development.

So Ana borrows Kate's plum dress and black boots because she still doesn't own any goddamn clothes of her own, although "The dress is looser on me than it was, but I pretend not to notice."

Who is she pretending to, exactly? No one has pointed it out, she's narrating this to herself, so she HAS noticed and is trying to convince herself that she hasn't? That sentence makes no fucking sense and I hate it.

Before meeting Christian after work, Ana sadly checks out her reflection in the bathroom mirror.

"I am my usual pale self, dark circles round my too-large eyes."

Ugh, how awful for her, being a skinny white woman with large eyes. Gross.

She then wishes that she knew how to use make-up, before USING SOME MAKEUP and adjusts her hair "so that it hangs artfully down my back. I take a deep breath. This will have to do." Life is such a struggle and her hair only looks ARTFUL this evening. THE HUMANITY.

Christian's car is waiting for her outside, so Ana gets in.

"I turn and climb into the back, and there he sits - Christian Grey - wearing his gray suit, no tie, his white shirt open at the collar. His gray eyes are glowing."

Grey, grey, grey, grey, grey, grey, grey.


Fun fact! The word grey (or gray for 'Merica spelling) is used 77 TIMES in this book. NOT INCLUDING HIS NAME. EVERYTHING IS GREY. SO SUBTLE. MUCH STORYTELLING.

So there she is, sitting in the car marvelling at his Greyness and guess what the first thing he says to her is? Go on, maybe something like "Hello!" or "It's nice to see you!" Right?

FOOLISH HUMANS.

“When did you last eat?” he snaps as Taylor closes the door behind me.
Crap. “Hello, Christian. Yes, it’s nice to see you, too.”
“I don’t want your smart mouth now. Answer me.” His eyes blaze.

FUUUUUUUUUUCK OFFFFFFFFFF.

Take your "blazing" eyes and use them to set FIRE to your stupid fucking FACE.

Taylor drives them to Christian's helipad, he manages to calm the fuck down somewhat, there's a bit of general "wahh I've missed you" carry-on and as they're getting out of the car:

"He gives me a warm, avuncular smile that makes me feel safe."

Uh oh. EL James has been at the thesaurus again. Avuncular literally means LIKE AN UNCLE. So that's not creepy at all. And I know this because I bothered to LOOK IT UP. I have already done more research for this book than she has.

Christian straps her into the helicopter and apparently there's massive, throbbing sexual tension going on between them, even though the part of Ana could be perfectly played by a plank with a sad face drawn on it. They do that infuriating "Mr Grey", "Miss Steele" thing that makes me want to punch them both in the throat and there's also a bit of "Icarus being drawn to the sun" bollocks thrown in (twice in quick succession, in fact), because she only has the one goddamn simile.

As they're being driven to the gallery for José's show, Christian pulls on his cranky-pants and gets on Ana's case again.

“Those beautiful eyes look too large in your face, Anastasia. Please tell me you’ll eat.”


They get to the gallery and for the entire evening, Christian refers to José as "the boy" in his conversations with Ana, which is both condescending and vaguely racist. WHAT A DREAMBOAT.

It turns out that part of José's show is a series of close-up portraits of Ana's face, which she didn't know about and really, it was kind of a dick move for José to include them without asking her first. Naturally, Christian is furious and buys all seven pictures.

"I don’t want some stranger ogling you in the privacy of their home.”

First of all, put your pants back on Christian, they're just photos of her face, it's not like she's got her tits out and secondly, isn't it just as well she doesn't have a Facebook profile so? Although considering how amazed she was to have an email account in the last book, the idea of Facebook might blow her tiny mind altogether.

Christian then laments the fact that Ana is never that relaxed and happy looking with him, (YA THINK?) so she quite rightly bats back with:

“You have to stop intimidating me if you want that,” I snap.

“You have to learn to communicate and tell me how you feel,” he snaps back, eyes blazing.

For fuck's sake Christian, she told you how she felt ALL THE TIME in the last book, and you just chose to ignore her, you ASS. Then, Ana lays out her exact feelings on the subject, how he tells her not to defy him, but says he loves her "smart mouth" and how generally confusing it is being with him. So there, that's her communicating, just like he says he wants. AND HE IMMEDIATELY CHANGES THE SUBJECT.

He then tells her to say goodbye to José so they can go get dinner, she wants to stay but he's having none of it. So instead of telling him to go fuck himself and that she'll get the bus home, she says goodbye to José, who she hugs and kisses on the cheek, seeing as he's her friend and all. However, Christian flies into a sex-rage and drags Ana out of the building, down a side alley and kisses her "violently". But it's totally hot, so no big deal, I guess.

“You. Are. Mine,” he snarls, emphasizing each word. He pushes away from me and bends, hands on his knees as if he’s run a marathon. “For the love of God, Ana.” (Kick him in the crotch and run the fuck away!)
 
I lean against the wall, panting, trying to control the riotous reaction in my body, trying to find my equilibrium again.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper once my breath has returned.

YEAH, HEY SORRY FOR MAKING YOU DRAG ME INTO AN ALLEYWAY AND SHIFT THE FACE OFF ME EVEN THOUGH WE'VE BROKEN UP AND I NEVER FUCKING ASKED YOU TO.

This guy.

My blood pressure is not going to thank me for this.

Throwing Shade

I said I wouldn’t do it. The first time around it made me so angry, so irritated and generally brought about such a sense of despair for both humanity and reasonably decent sentence structure that I decided that would be the end of it.

But it’s been two years. And recently my curiosity woke up from beneath her fur-lined blanket, peered over her horn-rimmed glasses and poked me in the side, to borrow and paraphrase a fucking awful literary device familiar to many.

I read the first chapter of Fifty Shades Darker. And it was exactly as terrible as I expected. If not more so.


Weirdly, the very next day, the first trailer for the film was released. (Which I've already talked about over on Beaut.ie) And now I kinda feel compelled to point out, in detail, how outrageously stupid the second book is. It would seem that I can’t read about that particular horrible relationship without grabbing it and tearing it to pieces through the means of swearing and gifs and caps lock.

I know a lot of people are over Fifty Shades and all it entails and don’t want to hear any more about it, and I completely and entirely get that. However, I’m just doing this for my own amusement and if anyone wants to join me on this second little odyssey of anguish, then super. I’m going to try not to let it take over the entire blog (and my life) this time around, so I will hopefully have other things to talk about in between angry recap posts.

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery 2: Coming soon.

And frequently. A lot like Ana Steele, really.

Wish me luck.

That's Limerick City

Brief Exchange is back! And this time it's landed in Limerick, as part of the City of Culture shenanigans, so there are lovely weird posters all over the place down there, including mine!

This time around, the brief I got was:

"Art is not what you see, but what you make others see.” Edgar Degas Escher, Duchamp and Dali were pioneers in the art of visual manipulation. They each, using their own unique methods, mastered pieces which created illusions and took the viewer's eyes on a journey; forcing a double take. Contemporary artists, too, are digitally creating illusions which transform standard images into entertaining conundrums through a simple trick of the viewer's brain. You are invited to create a little visual trickery of your very own. Whether it's a painting or photograph that looks too surreal to be reality, or a simple graphic with a hidden image, your challenge is to design a poster which changes the familiar and causes the viewer to look twice.

Hoo boy.

I was stumped for ages and then ran off on holidays for two weeks, only to arrive back with six days to the deadline and STILL no idea what to do. However, our last day of holidays was spent in Disneyland (SUPERAMAZINGFUN), so I was on a bit of a Disney buzz when I got home and decided I wanted to do something princess-related.

The whole visual trickery thing was proving to be a difficult box to tick though and I also wanted there to be some kind of creepy element to it, because it's me. In fact, this is actually the first Brief Exchange poster I've done that doesn't have a zombie in it. I eventually came up with an idea that I was happy with, so here it is:


While I was putting it together I wasn't really sure if the underground part worked, as all I could see was the giant insect monster, but the Bear assured me that it does also look like a cave full of bunnies, like it's meant to.

However, my poster was almost immediately ripped by a passer-by (it's being replaced though - yay!) and I've decided that someone tried to steal it, rather than it being wanton destruction, so I'm taking as a big compliment from Limerick. Thanks, lads! They really went to town on it, actually.

The posters are all over Limerick city and on the Brief Exchange site, along with a map showing each one's location. There's some really brilliant design in this show, so do take a look.

Quelque Chose #26

You guys. I know I've been woefully remiss lately in terms of posting anything. At the end of June I ran off to LA and Vegas for a super amazing holiday, had tons of fun and then came back and had a HAPE of work to do, with a bit more work on the side. But I'm here now! And I have PLANS. PLANS, I TELL YOU.

But for the moment, join me in admiring this picture of a little known 1950s pin-up girl called Hilda, created by artist Duane Bryers and one of the only plus-size pin-ups to appear on American calendars.

So gorgeous!

More here.

Sweet Valley High Revisited - Head Over Heels

Let's do this thang. But first, have you taken the Buzzfeed "Which Sweet Valley High Character Are You" quiz? Because you should. I got Lila Fowler. SUCK IT, BITCHES.

Sweet Valley High #18: Head Over Heels


You may remember from the last book that there was mention of Bruce Patman and Regina Morrow being very cosy together. There was also the mention of Elizabeth being all concerned about it, (while berating Caroline Pearce for being a busybody, of course) and that's still on her mind at the beginning of this book. Well, that and the upcoming carnival that the school is throwing, "to raise money for handicapped children" (Cringe. Welcome to 1986.) at Fowler Memorial. Liz is the chairperson of the carnival committee, because she has a flair for organising "and this was a cause she believed in". Liz is so special, because it's not like everyone in the world would agree that raising money for disabled kids is a good idea.

But even Elizabeth Wakefield isn't quite as special as Regina Morrow. Beautiful, vivacious, raven-haired, beautiful, deaf - did I mention beautiful? - Regina. In the space of five lines, the word "perfect" is used three times in relation to her. It's amazing that Jessica hasn't already scratched her sparkling blue eyes out. But then again, Regina inspires happiness wherever she goes, and farts rainbows too. Perfect little rainbows.

It turns out that Elizabeth isn't the only one unimpressed with Bruce and Regina's rich-kid romance, though. Jessica is none too happy that Bruce is so smitten with Regina, treating her so well and fawning all over her, after he was such a dick to Jessica that time they briefly hooked up. Lila is also cranky, but that's just because she has a random vendetta against Regina, for also being rich and hot, but she reckons that Bruce and Regina might go the distance as a couple. And seeing as the lives of other kids at Sweet Valley are mere playthings to Jessica and Lila, they decide to make a bet. Jessica proclaims that they'll be broken up by the day of the carnival, Lila says no way and the loser has to write the victor's term paper. (Because betting money is "vulgar", according to Lila's daddy.)

After school, there's a carnival committee meeting with sexy Mr. Collins (did you know that he looks like Robert Redford? Because he does. 1980s Robert Redford, to be precise), where Elizabeth divides up all the carnival tasks and then everyone goes to the beach. Liz invites Mr. Collins to go with them, but he decides to actually be appropriate for once in his life and politely declines.

Not much actually happens at the beach, apart from Jessica seeing Bruce and Regina walking hand in hand, all loved up, which makes her vow to find a way to break them up. But really, the only reason I'm talking about the beach is because it's casually mentioned that both Jessica and Elizabeth slather on BABY OIL. WHILE SUNBATHING. IN CALIFORNIA. Good luck keeping those fabled peaches-and-cream complexions past the age of twenty, girls.

Regina goes for dinner at the Patman's Patmansion and it's a super stuffy affair, with five of them seated around a table big enough for fifteen and Bruce wearing a blazer and a tie. Chillin': you're doing it wrong. Bruce's mother is being really embarrassing and practically shouting questions at Regina, with mad exaggerated lip movements. She also gets weirdly competitive when it comes up that Regina's mother is the parent advisor for the carnival committee and that Mr Fowler has donated a bunch of timber for the booths, because she hates the Fowlers.

"According to Marie Patman, the Fowlers were nouveaux riches - newly rich. Not like the Patmans and Vanderhorns, who were among the first families in Sweet Valley."

Hang on, who the eff are the Vanderhorns? And why hasn't Jessica Wakefield tried to ride any of them yet?

Anyway, Regina comes home after a bit of canoodling with Bruce at Miller's Point, to find her family all excited and pouring champagne. It turns out that there's a doctor in Switzerland who might be able to restore her hearing with a year of special treatments at his hospital.

"You'll be able to hear as well as the rest of us. Concerts and birds singing and babies crying."

Who actually wants to hear babies crying? That is not the way to sell this thing, Morrows. Anyway, after her initial excitement, Regina freaks out when she realises how long it will take. You see, she's in love (sing it with me) for the verrrry firrrrst tiiiime and doesn't want to leave Bruce and all her friends behind for so long when she's just settled in and is happier than ever. So she decides she's not going to go and she's not going to tell Bruce about it either.

"If a day without Bruce feels like a year to me, what would a year without him feel like?"

I'm not very good at maths but I'm pretty sure the answer there is 365 years. There you go, Regina. You can have that one for free.

Elizabeth calls over to Regina's house to meet with Mrs Morrow and discuss their ideas for the carnival. However, Mrs Morrow isn't feeling well, because she gets stress headaches when things don't go well for Regina, due to her GUILTY SECRET. And of course, seeing as Elizabeth is the one person in town that people seem to randomly confess things to, Skye Morrow takes her chance to unload it all onto a teenager she hardly knows. It's why Elizabeth's hair is so big - it's full of secrets. And she wears the barrettes to keep them all in place.

So Skye tells Elizabeth all about her former days as a model in New York and how she took diet pills for a swimwear shoot in the early days of her pregnancy with Regina. The pills affected Regina's ear tissue and permanently damaged her hearing, so Skye blames herself for her daughter's deafness. She also tells Elizabeth all about the doctor in Switzerland, that Regina is refusing to go and asks her if she could try to change her mind about it.

Elizabeth figures that Regina hasn't told her parents that Bruce is the reason she doesn't want to go, but wonders how she can throw away such an opportunity and "felt she owed it to Regina to intervene."

"On the other hand, Elizabeth hated to interfere."

Bitch, PLEASE. You live for this shit and like nothing better than getting all up in other people's biznizz.

Aw, Regina looks cute. Bruce appears to have the exact same expression on his face as he did on the cover of Playing With Fire. He's like one of those gifs of Paris Hilton making the same face in every photo.

Meanwhile, Ken Matthews is cranky because he's running for president of the Student Centennial Committee (yeah, I don't know either) and had been running unopposed but suddenly Bruce Patman has declared his candidacy with a week to go until the election. Ken tells Jessica all about it and how Bruce is probably a shoe-in now that he's going out with Regina and is more popular than ever. Naturally, Jessica manages to come up with a way to use this information to fuck things up for Bruce and Regina and immediately begins scheming.

She decides to drop over to Regina's house, but calls beforehand, hilariously asking for Regina on the phone when her mother answers.

"Hello, is Regina there?" Elizabeth shot her a look. Jessica's cheeks turned bright red. "Oh how thoughtless of me, Mrs Morrow," she said quickly, "Of course she can't."

Oh Jessica, you beautiful, psychopathic dope.

Once she's gotten to the house, under the pretense of asking Regina and Skye to take part in a mother-daughter fashion show for the carnival, Jessica puts her plan into action. After complimenting Regina on a diamond bracelet that Bruce had given her, she casually mentions that there have been rumours going around about the two of them which suggest that Bruce is just dating her so people will vote for him in the totally not at all pointless Student Centennial Committee thing. Regina didn't know about Bruce running for the election, so she buys Jessica's lies. I really don't know why anyone believes a word that comes out of Jessica Wakefield's constantly lying mouth.

While she's on her way out, Jessica runs into Donald Essex, who's been staying with the Morrows. Donald was a patient of the Swiss doctor that Regina's parents want to send her to and he was invited to stay with them in an effort to convince Regina to give it a shot, as his hearing has been restored. Donald is super sexy of course, because only good-looking people get invited to Sweet Valley. There are definitely border patrol hotness checkpoints around that town. So Jessica flirts her pretty face off with Donald and then speeds off in the red Fiat, satisfied with her discord-sowing efforts and encounter with a random handsome dude.

Regina confronts Bruce about the election and he gets all weird about it, because he had intended it to be a surprise for Regina if he won, although I don't know how that would have worked as a surprise, seeing as it'd surely involve some manner of campaigning in the lead-up and she's deaf, not blind, dude. Regina takes his unwillingness to talk about it as proof that he's been using her, so they get into an argument that culminates with them breaking up and Regina flinging a ruby pendant at him that he had previously given her. Rich Kids of Instagram have fucking NOTHING on Sweet Valley's elite teenagers.

Elizabeth and Todd have some carnival business to discuss with Skye Morrow, so they call over to Regina's house. Sexy Donald answers the door and is all flirty and familiar with Elizabeth, thinking she's Jessica. Also, literally every time Donald turns up in the book, his sandy hair and green eyes get mentioned. He's practically a Wakefield! Anyway, for some ridiculous reason, Elizabeth is baffled by his reaction to her.

He looks as if he's seen me before, she thought. But I don't know who he is!

Christ on rollerskates Elizabeth, has it escaped your attention that you have an IDENTICAL GODDAMN TWIN? We're only reminded of it every eight seconds you know and really, this kind of thing happens all the freaking time to twins. My mother is a twin, so I know this to be true. It makes no sense at all for her not to realise what's happening here, especially since she KNOWS that Jessica had been over at the house previously. Anyway, Mrs Morrow isn't home, so Donald takes a message for her. And as they leave, Todd gets his knickers in a twist over how friendly and flirty Donald was and goes all huffy with Liz over it.

"What was all that about?" Todd demanded, following Elizabeth down the walk. "He seemed pretty friendly Liz, where'd you meet him?"

"Come on Todd", Elizabeth said lightly, getting into the car and fastening her seat belt. "I don't even know that guy!"
"Well he sure seems to know you." Todd said moodily.

HOW WILL WE EVER SOLVE THIS MYSTERY? Idiots.

Meanwhile, Regina has agreed to go to Switzerland after all, now that her and Bruce are splitsville. She tells Elizabeth about her decision and her view of what happened between her and Bruce, conveniently leaving Jessica's role out of things. Elizabeth ends up talking to Mr Collins about it, who reckons she shouldn't be so hard on Bruce and that people can change and she should keep an open mind about him. I mean, it's not like he tried to rape her when she was vulnerable and out of sorts after a motorbike accident or anything. OH WAIT.

Elizabeth and Todd eventually make up when they discover the glaringly obvious fact that Donald had mistaken her for Jessica. Well done, geniuses. It turns out that Todd is also of the opinion that Bruce has changed his ways and is genuinely miserable without Regina, so much so that he encourages Elizabeth to go to Bruce's house when he asks her over because he wants to talk to her. Sweet Valley collective amnesia. That must be what's happening here.

Elizabeth is wary at first (too bloody right) but sees that Bruce is really torn up. He breaks down crying, asking her if she has any idea why Regina broke up with him. Elizabeth takes pity on his sorry ass and explains Regina's reasons. He tells her that it was all a misunderstanding and he had wanted to keep the election stuff a secret in order to surprise Regina, etc etc. Then Liz drops the bombshell that Regina is leaving for Switzerland in a few days and that he shouldn't try to work things out with her or she'll never go.

That night, Bruce decides to write a letter for Regina, explaining everything and telling her how much he loves her. It's all very melodramatic, with lines such as:

"By the time you read this it will be too late for you to change your mind about the treatments."

He asks Elizabeth to sneak the letter into Regina's luggage, so she'll know the truth but will still go through with the procedures in Switzerland. Elizabeth obliges, because she sees that Bruce has really changed and is no longer a rapey asshole. So she drops over to Regina's house while she's packing and puts the letter into a scrapbook of photos in her suitcase.

At the carnival committee's final meeting, Elizabeth convinces everyone to vote for Bruce Patman in the centennial student rhubarb rhubarb president thing because he's such a GOOD GUY now. I can't remember what it's actually called and it's so pointless I'm not bothering to check.

Regina discovers Bruce's letter while on her flight and is all happy and crying and finds the ruby pendant in the envelope, the one that she had previously flung back at him. So that's all grand now, although so much shit goes down on a weekly basis in Sweet Valley, who knows what things will be like when she gets back in a year's time.

The day of the carnival arrives and it's a roaring success, there's food and games and people get to throw pies at Winston Egbert's face for a dollar a go. They raise a bunch of money for the hospital and Bruce wins the stupid election thing. Seriously, this might have been the most boring subplot so far. NEEDS MOAR VILLAINY. Speaking of which, seeing as Lila had technically lost the bet with Jessica, she wrote her term paper for her, but screwed Jessica over, only getting her a D. Considering how Jessica is never held accountable for her attempted life-ruining actions and tactics, this is probably as much retribution as we can expect. Oh, and now she's vowing revenge on Lila, as all good frenemies are wont to do. The end.

Notable outfit:
There wasn't nearly enough outfit descriptions in this book, so I'm giving it to Regina's Sunday morning ensemble:

"She got up and dressed quickly, putting on a pair of white cotton jeans and a striped t-shirt."

Oh hai Liz Hurley. And as a bonus, Lila also wears white trousers later on in the book. They're clearly the uniform of any self-respecting Sweet Valley rich girl.

Things I counted:
Number of pages: 152
References to the twins' blue-green eyes: 5
References to the fact that the twins are blonde: 6
Amount of times people's eyes/faces "darkened": 4
Amount of times "beauty"/"beautiful" was used to describe Regina: 6