Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery (Vol. 9)

Apologies for the lack of posting last week folks, I'm on holidays from work at the moment and was busy having fun in Belfast, bouncing up and down to Foo Fighters. Anyway, exciting news! Volume 1 of Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery has been nominated for Best Blog Post in the Irish Blog Awards! It's a public vote and you can vote once a week. I'm pretty far behind at the moment but I'd really appreciate it if you could throw a vote my way. Aaaand seeing as I'm so far back right now, if by some mad miracle I manage to catch up and actually win, I PROMISE that I'll review Fifty Shades Darker. Until now I had figured that the risk of it making me want to jam a pen in my eye would be too high, but if I win, I'll bloody well take that risk. You can vote here or there's a link over there on the sidebar. So, onwards to Volume 9!

Catch up: Volumes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 and 8.


So after Christian and Ana are done gnawing on each other's faces in the lift, they head for bed. Christian removes Ana's dress "like a magician" i.e. pulls it over her head. Ana then decides that she doesn't want "to fuck", as Christian puts it, but wants to "make love". Urgh. Not only that, she also wants to touch him, which he never lets her do because he's all weird about her going near his chest. He gets all cross with her so she goes off to the bathroom, only to be surprised, nay SHOCKED by her reflection. "After all I've done today, it's still the same ordinary girl gaping back at me." Close your fucking mouth, Anastasia. Or don't. With any luck a fly might buzz down your throat and choke you to death.

Christian pouts for a bit because he's an overgrown fucking brat, so Ana bargains with him and says that if he tells her why she can't touch him, she'll let him spank her. He produces a set of Ben Wa balls, puts them in her mouth and then his in order to lube them up, at which point Ana thinks "Fuck, this is sexier than the toothbrush". She brushed her teeth with his toothbrush earlier. Apparently this is a sexy thing to do. I'm losing the will to live.

He gets her to walk around a bit with the Ben Wa balls inside her, Ana says "oh" about a million fucking times and makes the following observation: "There's a foil packet, ready and waiting, like me." Apart from the fact that that line is HILARIOUSLY terrible, the similarities end there, seeing as a condom wrapper probably has a higher IQ than she does. Anyway, Christian spanks her, it's "a quagmire of sensation" (SEXY, RIGHT?) then pulls the balls out and fucks her. Afterwards, she demands he keeps his end of the deal. Here's what he says:

"The woman who brought me into this world was a crack-whore, Anastasia. Go to sleep."

Oh right, grand. GOODNIGHT SO.

Also, this:



Ana wakes up alone the next morning and thinks about how she's "in this fantasy apartment, having fantasy sex with my fantasy boyfriend". Even though she keeps going on about how the apartment is more like an art gallery than a home and repeatedly calls it a "mission statement", so it's not actually her idea of a fantasy apartment at all. She never even considered sex before meeting Christian, so I'm at a loss as to how it's fantasy sex that she's having and she's almost constantly treading on eggshells around Christian, who is always either scaring her or giving out to her, so would we really call him a fantasy boyfriend? REALLY? Anyway, she wanders off to find Christian in his study being all obnoxious and business-y on the phone and within three sentences, she uses the word "beautiful" five times while looking at him. FIVE times. In THREE sentences. JESUS TAP DANCING CHRIST.

They end up having sex on his desk, before which we're notified of the foil packet being pulled out of his pocket, just like in every other sex scene up to now and hey this foil packet is just like me, being torn apart by how fucking awful this book is.

Appearances of the words "foil"/"foil packet": 16 (SO sexy.)

As she's coming, Ana tells us how he's "pushing me higher, higher to the castle in the air" after already saying "castle in the air" and "castle in the sky" since the start of the chapter. Which was two and a half pages ago.

They have breakfast together and he asks if she's bought her ticket to Georgia. He tells her he has a jet and she says she'd rather take a scheduled flight. He asks if she'll miss him, she says yes, then thinks "He's got right under my skin...literally."


Ana has interviews today for jobs in publishing houses before she catches her flight to Georgia and when we meet her again she's waiting to be seen at the second one. She's brought into the room by a woman with "long, black, pre-Raphaelite hair" even though pre-Raphaelite hair is red, but whatever. Also, Ana describes how she's wearing Kate's dress for the interview and I've actually just snarled a bit at this book. The interview goes fine, although she's unnerved by the dude doing the interviewing because he said her name softly and used the word "indulge" during their conversation. I suppose given the fact that every other man she knows is constantly trying to have sex with her, maybe it's understandable that she's wary of anyone with a penis.

She gets back home and mentions how beautiful Kate is (which she's being doing all along by the way, but dammit I can only make fun of a certain amount of things at a time) and tells her to cop on and stop antagonising Christian. Kate admits that she's doing it on purpose in order to somehow help him with his commitment issues. She's definitely trying to have her murdered for contstantly taking her clothes. Ana goes off to her room and has us endure about three pages of boring as fuck emails between her and Christian, which basically boil down to her asking if his sexy housekeeper is an ex-sub of his. She's not. There. That took three pages.

Later on, Kate drops Ana off at the airport and discovers during check-in that she's been upgraded to first class. Which would be nice, only for the fact that it's obviously Christian's doing and he's a terrifying psychopath who has managed to find out what flight she's on despite her not actually telling him what time she was leaving or which airline she was taking.

Ana has herself a massage and a manicure in the first class lounge and opens up her laptop "hoping to test the theory that it works anywhere on the planet".



Then again, this is a girl who was quite recently amazed to have her own email address so maybe she's not ready for the concept of wi-fi just yet.

She sends Christian an email making light of how his "stalking knows no bounds" (because being stalked to a disturbing degree is SO ADORABLE YOU GUYS) and mentions that she's had a back massage. He replies immediately asking who gave her a massage because all other men who touch her must be destroyed on sight. Ana hugs herself with "mischievous glee" and sends him an email specifically to wind him up, going on about how a "pleasant young man" gave her the massage and is all delighted with herself that he's "going to flip out". Even though five pages ago she was giving Kate shit for doing EXACTLY THAT. I hope her plane fucking crashes.

Christian replies with a threat to lock her in a crate the next time she goes on a plane and she's not sure if he's serious or not, which, you know should be yet another clue to RUN THE FUCK AWAY FROM HIM. Also, she continues to email him on her Blackberry after being told by cabin crew to put it away because the lives of everyone else on board clearly don't matter to her. Also, when the "disembodied voice" (INTERCOM, Anna. They've been around for like EIGHTY YEARS) of the flight attendant says "cabin crew, doors to automatic and cross check" she wonders "What does that mean? Are they closing the doors?". Can we PLEASE tie her to the runway and have the plane taxi right over her face? PLEASE?

And breathe. Also don't forget to vote! Thank you!

The Flags Are Dead, Long Live The Flags!

One of my favourite bands, The Dead Flags, are soon to be no more. After almost five years of working their collective asses off, the lads have decided to call it a day.


Around four years ago, the first time I saw them play I was just going along to a gig with my new boyfriend to see his friend's band. As soon as they burst on to the stage (possibly to the Top Gun theme, although that might have been a different time), I wished I knew the words to every one of their pop/punk/just-plain-deadly songs. In the time since then, I've been to countless gigs of theirs, helped out wherever I could, either with graphic design or cutting hundreds and hundreds of fish shapes out of coloured paper for a video shoot and every time, I was only delighted to be of some use to the Dead Flags cause, as they've become some of my very favourite real life people. (I had to qualify the real-life bit, otherwise Ron Swanson might have the edge.)

They're playing their final gig, a big farewell show in Whelans tomorrow night. That's tonight, if you're reading this tomorrow, or Friday 17th August, to avoid any confusion. It's going to be an amazing night of fantastic music, special guests and the brilliant Gentlemen's Club album from start to finish. Admission is but 8 eurobucks and The Dead Flags will be taking to the stage for the final time at 9 o'clock.


Here are some of their fantastic videos and songs for your enjoyment.

The video for You Got It Wrong, in which they recreated the Enchantment Under The Sea dance from Back To The Future, hence the previously mentioned cutting out of paper fish:



The brilliant Anymore:



And the joyous O My Love! O My God! with it's wonderful slo-mo-tastic video:



I honestly can't recommend this final gig enough, it's going to be all kinds of fun, to the point that we're going to take all the fun and there'll be none left for anyone else for the weekend. SO THERE. I'll probably be quietly crying into my pint at their demise and then remember that I'll need to make the most of this gig and as such will dance my goddamn socks off.

Godspeed, you lovely Flags.

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery (Vol. 8)

I really didn't think this through, you know. I only meant to do a Sweet Valley High-style review post of this stupid book and eight posts later I'm only around two thirds of the way through recapping the whole sorry thing. Right, Volume 8. Let's remove any pointy implements from the immediate area and do this!

Catch up: Volumes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7.


Anastasia, tired from all the sex they've been having, takes a nap and is woken up half an hour before they have to leave. They're going to meet Christian's parents for dinner at their house, along with Kate and Elliot and Christian's sister, Mia. As she's getting dressed, Ana realises that she can't find her knickers and then remembers that Christian put them into his pocket earlier before they had sex.

She decides not to ask for them back and acts like she's the first person in the world who has ever gone commando. As they're leaving, she constantly mentions the fact and then starts to panic that she's about to meet his parents while knickerless, as if his mother has x-ray vision or something. Then she thinks "I'm almost outside with No Panties!" Oh my god, shut the fuck up Ana and I have no idea why the N and P were capitalised there. Probably because E.L. James had roofied her editor at this stage. And just in case we'd forgotten that she wasn't wearing her knickers, she immediately mentions her "state of wanton undress." Yeah Ana, you're SUCH a WHORE.

E.L. James's editor was last seen helping this guy lift a sofa into his van.

When they get to the house and meet the parents, Christian's sister can be heard screeching "Is she here?", comes "barrelling down the hall" and "hugs her hard". All of which quite honestly makes her sound like a fucking nutjob. Imagine meeting your boyfriend's sister for the first time and her carrying on like that? Jesus, you'd be out that door as fast. Anyway they sit at the table for dinner, once Mia has calmed the fuck down and put her pants back on and Christian's dad mentions that Elliot is going to join Kate on holiday with her family in Barbados.

"I glance at Kate, and she grins, her eyes bright and wide. She's delighted. Katherine Kavanagh, show some dignity!"

Yeah Kate, stop looking so happy, you TRAMP. Daddy Grey asks Ana if she has any holiday plans, and she says she was thinking about visiting her mother in Georgia for a few days, which sends Christian into a silent and barely suppressed, jaw-clenching rage because how VERY DARE she want to see her mother without running it by him first.

“This conversation is not over,” he whispers threateningly as we enter the dining room.

FUCKING CHARMING. I seriously hate this character. And I hate this book for trying to romanticise what is quite clearly an emotionally abusive relationship. And I hate that there are about a million Tumblr blogs out there swooning over this all-star asshole.

At dinner, Kate inexplicably provokes Christian further by asking Ana how Jose was when she met him for a drink a few days beforehand, in some bizarre attempt to make Christian jealous. I have literally no idea what the fuck she's playing at here. Every character in this book is a certified geebag.

So Christian is super angry with Ana at this stage and she's so worried that she thinks of running away to Georgia altogether and not coming back. She also gets all annoyed that a serving girl called Gretchen keeps eye-fucking Christian, even though he's oblivious to her. This is just more of her being unable to make her fucking mind up about anything, but at this stage nothing that anyone does makes any sense in this book. It's just a bunch of idiots doing random, infuriating crap.

Mia starts going on about living in Paris and how great it is "In spite of the Parisians." Actually Mia, it's great in spite of fucking annoying loud-ass tourists like you. As she's banging on about the city, she ends up "lapsing at one point into fluent French" which everyone thinks is hilarious and I think that if I was there I'd have lobbed my wine glass at her face, the pretentious twat.

Meanwhile Christian has been groping Anastasia under the table for the last while, as she tries to keep her knees together and when dessert is finished, he asks loudly if she wants a tour of the grounds.

"I know I’m meant to say yes, but I don’t trust him."

WELL IF YOU DON'T FUCKING TRUST HIM THEN WHY THE FUCKING FUCK ARE YOU STILL HERE AND ENTERTAINING THE NOTION OF BEING HIS SUBMISSIVE YOU FUCKING GOWL? I HATE YOU SO MUCH.

He drags her off to the boathouse, even picking her up and throwing her over his shoulder like a sack of spuds because he's SO MANLY AND SUCH A BIG ROMANTIC VIKING and announces that he's going to spank and then fuck her because he's so mad at her. Lovely. When they get inside and upstairs, she pleads with him not to spank her and he has the fucking audacity to look surprised, despite the fact that she clearly told him she didn't like it the last time. He then lists off the reasons why he's so mad at her, in case we'd already forgotten. One of which is the fact that she closed her legs under the table, i.e. said no to him. So being told no makes him mad and turns him on. Well that's not worrying AT ALL.

They have sex and Christian tells her not to come or he'll spank her. Sound. It actually must have been quite difficult for Ana, seeing as all he has to do is grab her boob and jiggle it a bit to make her orgasm. Soon after they've finished, Mia comes barging into the downstairs of the boathouse looking for them because she probably wants to fuck Ana too, just like everyone else in the book does.

As Ana gets her knickers back off Christian and makes herself presentable, we're treated to some more bewilderingly bad repetition.

"I scowl back at him, hastily restore my panties to their rightful place, and stand with as much dignity as I can muster in my just-fucked state. Quickly, I attempt to smooth my just-fucked hair."

Just-fucked. Just-fucked. Just-fucked. THERE ARE OTHER WORDS, E.L. JAMES. And this is someone who goes out of their way to show off with ridiculous words like "syllabub". (Really. It's what they had for dessert. Kill me now.)

I looked "syllabub" up, to find out what the fuck it is. IT'S CREAM. FANCY CREAM. FUCK YOU, E.L. JAMES FOR WASTING MY GODDAMN TIME WITH THIS BULLSHIT.

As they're going back to the house, Christian tells Ana that he still wants to spank her. “I will do it again, Anastasia, and soon,” he threatens quietly close to my ear. KICK HIM IN THE FACE AND RUN AWAY, ANA. They come back to find Kate and Elliot are leaving, and as she's saying goodbye to Kate, Ana tells her they need to talk about her riling Christian up on purpose. Then Kate says:

“He needs antagonizing, then you can see what he’s really like. Be careful, Ana – he’s so controlling,” she whispers.

See what he's really like? So she's trying to put her in danger on purpose? Wait! I've got it! Kate is so fed up with Ana constantly sponging off her and never bothering to buy her own damn dresses to fuck Christian in that she's going to keep provoking him until he murders Ana in a fit of rage. IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW. Kate, you diabolical genius!

Anyway, Christian and Ana decide to go too and all the remaining Greys hug Ana and manage to stop short of humping her leg, because for some reason everyone in this book seems to think she's totally amazing and not actually a complete fucking moron.

As Taylor, Christian's manservant dude, is driving them home, Ana tells Christian that she wants to go to Georgia to have some time to think. He asks if she's having second thoughts, she says maybe, he asks why. It turns out it's not actually because he's a dangerous psycho who scares the shit out of her, constantly threatens her with a spanking she doesn't want and stalks the living fuck out of her.

No, it's because she thinks she loves him but that he just thinks of her as a toy. At this point we're told the car is going over a bridge and I'm mentally willing Taylor to drive off the edge and jump out of the car just in time to save himself.

They get to Christian's place and in the lift, she bites her lip without realising (again), so he gets her to stop (AGAIN). Then:

Bending down, he clamps his teeth around my lower lip and pulls gently. [...] I reciprocate, fastening my teeth over his top lip, teasing him, and he groans.

They're just biting each other's faces. SEXY. And speaking of lip biting and lips in general...

Amount of times Anastasia bites her lip: 35 (Her lower lip must be an absolute state.)

Amount of times Christian gets her to/tells her to stop: 22

Amount of times Christian brushes her lip with his thumb: 10

(He spends most of their time together either pointing out that she's biting her lip, telling her to stop, pulling at her chin so her teeth will "release" her lip, or brushing his thumb against her lip. Loves an aul lip, so he does.)

Amount of times Christian's lips either "quirk up" or "twitch": 26

And as we're counting things that twitch...

References to Christian's palm twitching: 10

He must have a desperate dose of the shakes.

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery (Vol. 7)

Right, where was I? Oh yes, E.L. James had just mangled the English language by making the word "pretty" a noun and I blacked out from the rage it subsequently induced.

Catch up here: Volumes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6.


So. Anastasia tries to return the fancy first edition Tess books that Christian bought for her way back when I was younger and not as filled with hate as I appear to be now. He gets all pissed off and says he's going to be buying her stuff whether she likes it or not so she may as well get used to it. She says it makes her feel like a hooker. He says tough shit. That's a summary of about a page or so of fucking terrible dialogue.

Anastasia then decides that they should discuss the soft limits of the contract, but instead, Christian distracts her by talking about her stepfather and the jobs she's applying for in Seattle and plying her with champagne to get her drunk. This is the guy who repeatedly goes on about how she has to trust him, by the way. Way to go, dickface. He asks her if she has eaten anything, because Christian Grey's day isn't complete until he gets an inventory of the contents of Ana's stomach. She rolls her eyes at him and he warns her that the next time she does that he's going to take her over his knee. Speaking of knees, I think mine could do with being introduced to his balls right around now.

They go through the soft limits, i.e. things that are acceptable to the submissive and Ana says she doesn't want to do any fisting or anal. He agrees to the no-fisting but says "I'd really like to claim your ass, Anastasia." Apart from the fact that she JUST SAID she didn't want to, what's he going to do, plant a flag in it? Fuck off, Christian.

I hereby claim this ass in the name of Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.

They go through bondage and sex toys and whatnot, and Christian keeps laughing at her because she has no idea what half of the stuff is and he's a fucking jerk. Then when she tells him not to laugh when she asks another question, he says "I've apologised twice", GLARES AT HER and then says "Don't make me do it again." I'm running out of swearwords to call this fucking bag of douche.

He then tells her that he's willing to try the "more" that she wants, as in, be a regular boyfriend, but only for "maybe one night a week" and it probably won't work anyway, says he. Even though he's making her do all this sex-related stuff that she doesn't really want to and that she's clearly not comfortable with, he can't even commit to something like MAYBE going to the fucking cinema with her every once in a while. Oh and he'll only maybe try as long as she accepts the graduation present he bought for her, which is a car. ERMAHGERD. DID NOT SEE THAT COMING.

She's pissed off because she specifically told him not to buy her a car and then he's mad at her for being mad at him and for not being the docile, passive sex doll he wants her to be so he fucks her in yet another hideously unsexy and annoying sex scene with about a million "oh my" occurrences thrown in.

Afterwards, when they're lying in bed, she touches his chest and even though he's wearing a t-shirt (more Winnie the Pooh style riding), he tells her not to. All along, the book has been dropping all these hints about as subtle as a sledgehammer about how he doesn't like to be touched, and when Ana asks why, he says "Because I'm fifty shades of fucked-up, Anastasia." Fifty shades of asshole, more like.

Also, that line totally reminded me of this:



She asks him if he got her tipsy on purpose earlier and he says yes and acts like getting her drunk and subsequently geting her to agree to stuff is actually him doing her a favour. SOUND. Then he makes some joke about kidnapping her, even though with his behaviour so far it'd hardly be a stretch for him. She rolls her eyes at him, but he already warned her that he'd spank her if she did and even though she points out that she hasn't signed anything yet and is quite obviously scared now, he insists on it anyway.

She thinks to herself "Should I run?", I think YES, YES YOU FUCKING SHOULD. FAR FAR AWAY. So he spanks her eighteen times, and it sounds fucking horrible and painful and then they have sex again and I want to punch him in the fucking face. He leaves, Ana falls apart crying AGAIN and rings her mam, who tells her to come and visit her in Georgia. Kate then comes along, and seeing that Ana is upset yet again, tells her to dump him.

There's some more tedious emailing between her and Christian, finishing with her telling him she's sad that he never stays with her. She shuts down her laptop and cries some more. Next thing, she hears Kate shouting outside, telling someone to get the fuck out of their house. Christian then bursts into her room and can't figure out why she's so upset, because it couldn't POSSIBLY have anything to do with the fact that he REPEATEDLY HIT HER when she obviously DID NOT WANT HIM TO. She tells him that she didn't like being spanked, he says she wasn't supposed to like it, (DIE CHRISTIAN) she gets a bit sarcastic with him, he narrows his eyes and says "Careful" in a warning tone and I want to push this fucking cunt off a very high building. So he ends up staying with her for the night, because for some reason it didn't occur to her to call the cops and have him forcibly removed from her house.

At work the next day, a courier arrives with a delivery for her. It's a Blackberry from Christian, because he needs to be able to contact her "at all times". (AHEM.) Then there's EVEN MORE horrible boring emails, even though she's at work and he's supposed to be in a meeting and don't Blackberry phones have a free messenger service thing anyway, which would make infinite more sense than constant emails? After work, she goes for a few drinks with Jose, his attempted rape all forgiven, and gets home to find a heap of missed calls from Christian. She had said earlier that she'd email him when she got home from work, but forgot to, because she was busy HAVING A LIFE. He left her a cranky voicemail too, and as she goes to ring him back, this is how she feels: "With a deep dread uncurling in my stomach, I scroll down to his number and press dial". Jesus Christ like, how many more clues do you need for it to be clear that he's a TERRIBLE PERSON?

The next day, Ana and Kate move into their Kate's new Seattle apartment and a delivery of champagne arrives from Christian, even though she didn't give him her new address. "Stalking is one of his specialities" is her explanation to Kate and apparently this isn't cause for concern. On Sunday, she drives to Christian's place (in yet another of Kate's dresses) because he has arranged for a gynecologist to meet her there to sort her out with the pill. Seriously. It's such a weird and creepy thing to do. Fucking hell. When the doctor arrives, Christian actually says to Ana:

"Ready for some contraception?"

What? What's the appropriate response to that, exactly? A high five and a "Fuck YES I'm ready, let's get this contraception ON, motherfucker!", perhaps? However, instead of that, Anastasia gasps and says "You're not going to come as well are you?" AND LOOK AT WHAT HE SAYS:

"I'd pay very good money to watch, believe me, Anastasia, but I don't think the good doctor would approve."

What the actual fuck is going on here? Does he think a gynecological exam is SEXY somehow? Like it's actually code for naked pillowfight or something? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU CHRISTIAN? "Ok, put your feet into the stirrups here and just ignore Mr. Grey over there having a wank in the corner." GAHHHH!

Christian Grey's interpretation of a smear test.

After the doctor has left, Ana winds Christian up by telling him she can't have sex for the next four weeks, his face falls, then she goes "Gotcha!" because it's a hilarious prank. In turn, he then looks all angry, which scares the shit out of her and then goes "Gotcha!" as well. Then I wonder who exactly I need to contact in order to have a giant fucking Acme anvil dropped on these two assholes.

Christian then chains her up in his playroom and whacks her a bit with a riding crop, which is enough to make her come (of course). Then she's wrecked tired from orgasming all over the place and wonders "Will he let me sleep, perchance to dream?" Hey Anastasia, c'mere to me a minute so I can STAB YOU IN YOUR IMAGINARY NECK. Anyway, he doesn't let her sleep, but binds her hands with the cable ties he bought from her ages ago and fucks her again. Afterwards, when he cuts the cable ties off with a scissors, he says "I declare this Ana open" and if I hadn't been reading this tripe on my iPad, I would have flung it out a window.

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery (Vol. 6)

Here we go again.

Volumes 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5, if you need to catch up.
 

So, after Christian turned up unsolicited at Ana's door in a frightening display of controlling and unhinged behaviour and rode her, he fucks away off home. As soon as he leaves, Ana starts crying because she wishes she could have a regular relationship with Christian, instead of one that needs a contract and involves flogging and punishment. So she decides to move on with her life, get a job and change her identity to escape from evil Christian and his unnerving ways.

No, of course she doesn't.

She bangs on about how she's "reminded once more of Icarus soaring too close to the Sun", (a metaphor she trots out five times in total throughout this book because it's so profound and meaningful 'n shit) and sobs to Kate about Christian using sex as a weapon. Instead of telling Ana to cut her losses and run the fuck away from him, Kate reasons that he has commitment issues.

Ana then shovels some coal into "fires up" the laptop to find an email from Christian, to which she replies with a big long list of issues she has with the contract. Then he shouts at her through the medium of the caps lock key, telling her to go to bed and I tell him to fuck off like he can hear me.

The next day, Christian emails her again and three pages later all they've done is email back and forth bickering over the definition of the word submissive and whether or not she's "allowed" to drive herself to his hotel (I've got a big bag of FUCK YOU with Christian's name all over it) to meet him for their date the following evening. It's like eavesdropping on the most tedious conversation of all time.

While Ana is at work the next day, Paul, her boss's son pesters her ALL DAY for a date, which is insane because Ana is completely devoid of personality and yet every dude she knows so far has been trying their hardest to get off with her. She must be pants-burstingly hot, it's the only explanation.

Before meeting Christian, she gets ready for their date, borrowing a dress from Kate because apparently she doesn't even own ONE decent frock herself. In fact, I think she has borrowed clothes from Kate every time she has had some manner of date with Christian. Oh and then this line happens:

"I rarely wear make-up – it intimidates me. None of my literary heroines had to deal with make-up – maybe I’d know more about it if they had."

Oh just SHUT UP YOU INSUFFERABLE TWATBAG. Incessantly harping on about literary heroines and Tess of the d'Urbervilles DOES NOT make you interesting and quirky, it makes you an utter PAIN in the HOLE.

Elizabeth Bennet wants you to shut the fuck up.

She meets Christian in the hotel bar, in a shock twist he starts interrogating her about whether she's hungry or if she has eaten anything that day. She admits to not having eaten all day and as much as I hate to side with Christian on this one, you actually DO have to fucking eat at some point during the day, otherwise that's getting awfully close to an eating disorder. He asks whether she wants to have dinner where they are or upstairs in his suite, to which she replies: “I think we should stay in public, on neutral ground.” Fair enough, right? Check out what he says:

“Do you think that would stop me?” he says softly, a sensual warning.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? This man is THE CREEPIEST character I have ever come across, in anything, ever. I can't begin to fathom how women worldwide are swooning over this potential sex offender. Christian Grey, romantic hero MY ARSE.

He makes this guy look like James Bond.

It turns out he booked a private dining room anyway, regardless of what her answer was going to be so I don't know why the fuck he bothered asking. He actually SAYS "no public" and I think to myself "HE MEANS NO WITNESSES! RUN AWAY! HE'S GOING TO MURDER YOU AND WEAR YOUR SKIN LIKE THAT GUY IN SILENCE OF THE LAMBS!"

He had already ordered for her (of course) and when her main course of cod arrives, says "I hope you like fish". To which I found myself thinking: Well it's not like you bothered to find out before ordering, fuckface. They go over some of her issues with the contract for a bit, there's more food haranguing and then he tries to convince her to have sex with him in the dining room. She says no and for once I'm not completely exasperated with her. She tells him she has a lot to consider and needs time to think. To which he replies:

"I could make you stay", he threatens.

Oh REALLY? Just you fucking try it then, because I believe that's called FALSE IMPRISONMENT, YOU FUCKING FUCK. He then goes on about how he thought she was a born submissive when he first met her, as she was "all yes sir, no sir", as apparently he's unfamiliar with basic fucking manners. She eventually gets around to leaving, but not before he has a chance to berate her for owning an old car.

He's appalled, APPALLED by the sight of an old VW Beetle, decides it's a "deathtrap" and as good as tells her he's going to buy her a car. Even though she's adamant that he does no such thing, flat out telling him "You are not buying me a car", we know he's going to anyway because he couldn't give a tiny floaty fuck what Ana actually wants.

Herbie is the stuff of nightmares for Christian. Bruce Campbell is a bonus.

As Ana drives away, she starts crying AGAIN. She gets home and "wakes up the mean machine" - or laptop to normal people - to find an email from Christian saying he doesn't understand why she ran off and asking her to trust him. Here's an idea then Christian, stop completely ignoring what she wants and threatening her when she doesn't want to do what you want her to, because those are the actions of an UNTRUSTWORTHY PIECE OF SHIT. The email sets her off crying even more and she feels like he thinks of her as a business deal. So they've barely started off this relationship and she's already spending a third of her time crying and feeling lousy because of stuff he has said and done. The fact that this is the exact opposite of the honeymoon phase still isn't enough of a clue for her to ditch the sociopath.

The next morning Ana wakes up from a sex dream about Christian and is amazed as she didn't know such a thing was possible and my eyes are in danger of rolling directly out of my head. It's graduation day for Ana and Kate, so Ana's stepfather Ray comes along (her mother couldn't go because her new husband fell and couldn't get up or something) and tells her she looks nice. "This is Kate's dress" I glance down at the grey chiffon halter neck dress. Jesus Christ woman, buy some fucking clothes.

Christian is giving a speech at the ceremony, because I suppose it's not every day you come across a self-made millionaire aged 27. Ana is sitting in the crowd of students awaiting their degrees and even though everyone is dressed identically in black caps and gowns, he spots her within seconds with his bionic grey eyes which are grey, in case you didn't know. When he stops looking at her she's all "Why isn't he looking at me?! What's WRONG!?" even though SECONDS BEFOREHAND she was trying to sink into her seat to avoid his gaze and saying how uncomfortable it made her. Make your fucking mind up.

His speech is all about how brilliant he is and his TOTES PHILANTHROPIC plan to feed the world (the speech seems kind of self-indulgent and has nothing to do with students who are about to graduate), dropping in a line where he says "I have known what it’s like to be profoundly hungry." Ana's jaw "falls to the floor" because, to be fair, pretty much everything amazes her anyway. She reasons that this secret past of his as a neglected child "explains a great deal", which is pretty insulting to members of the BDSM community. I don't know very much about it, but I'm pretty sure it's just a sexual preference rather than the product of an unhappy childhood.

Anyway, after the graduation, he summons her backstage and proceeds to steer her into an empty locker room so he can glare at her and demand to know why she didn't reply to his emails or texts, because it's not like she'd be fucking busy on the day of her graduation or anything. And anyway, he's supposed to be running a giant company and eradicating third world hunger like Bono or something, you'd think he'd have better things to do than stare at his phone waiting for a reply. Then he decides he wants to meet her stepfather, even though she says she'd rather he didn't, but again, what Ana wants doesn't matter.

She goes for a drink with her stepdad and Kate's brother comes along, scooping her up and twirling her around and next thing you know, Christian the fucking Dementor Grey is standing beside her, ready to suck all the fun out of the conversation and being all frosty eyed because a man that Ana knows had the temerity to touch her and he's a fucking obsessive crazy person. And breathe.

Kate then jumps in and introduces Christian to Ray as Ana's boyfriend, which kind of lands Ana in it and is a lousy thing to do really. At first Ray is a bit suspicious of Christian, but then they start talking about fishing. "His power knows no bounds", thinks Ana. Fishing is a superpower when you're as easily amazed as Anastasia Steele. Ray goes off to the jacks, so Christian immediately badgers her for an answer as to whether she'll go along with the contract and be his submissive or not. She says she wants more from him, as in, a regular relationship. He says he's not into that and then she just agrees to it anyway which makes no sense at all.

Christian calls over to her house that evening and when she answers the door, what follows is potentially the worst written sentence in the entire book. See if you can guess which one it is:

“Hi,” he says, and his face lights up with his radiant smile. I take a moment to admire the pretty. Oh my, he’s hot in leather.

I take a moment to admire the FUCKING WHAT? The pretty? PRETTY IS NOT A NOUN. PRETTY IS A FUCKING ADJECTIVE. HOLY SHIT, EVEN TXTSPKING SCHOOLCHILDREN KNOW THIS. SOMEONE REMOVE SHARP OBJECTS FROM MY VICINITY BECAUSE IMMA GET STABBY UP IN HERE.

Ahem. I'm going to leave it here before I jam a pen in my eye from having to type out that fucking sentence.

Terms and Conditions Tear Your Ads Apart

In something of a detour from my recent barrage of posts in which I have fun tearing Fifty Shades of Grey a new one, I'm writing a post about Youth Defence. I previously wrote about them and their offensive, obnoxious billboard campaign on Beaut.ie, a post which inspired my friend, V For Vendetta, to do a bit of sleuthing and inform me of a discovery he had made.


The girl in their billboards whose life is supposedly being "torn apart" is from iStockphoto, which you might say is all well and good, until you have a look at their terms and conditions. Namely, their Content License Agreement and the list of prohibited uses.

One of which is as follows:

use or display any Content that features a model or person in a manner (a) that would lead a reasonable person to think that such person uses or personally endorses any business, product, service, cause, association or other endeavour; or (b) except where accompanied by a statement that indicates that the Content is being used for illustrative purposes only and any person depicted in the Content is a model, that depicts such person in a potentially sensitive subject matter, including, but not limited to mental and physical health issues, social issues, sexual or implied sexual activity or preferences, substance abuse, crime, physical or mental abuse or ailments, or any other subject matter that would be reasonably likely to be offensive or unflattering to any person reflected in the Content, unless the Content itself clearly and undisputedly reflects the model or person in such potentially sensitive subject matter in which case the Content may be used or displayed in a manner that portrays the model or person in the same context and to the same degree depicted in the Content itself

I don't know about you, but I certainly don't see a disclaimer anywhere on that billboard.

So V For Vendetta contacted the photographer to let him know that his work was being used in a way that violated iStockphoto's terms and conditions, as well as the rights of his model. The photographer replied, thanking him and agreed that his work should not be used in this manner, also saying that he would get in touch with iStockphoto to see what they could do about the situation.

This news in turn inspired the Bear and I to get all Jessica Fletcher on the other two ads being paraded around the city. So here's what we found.


Well hello you! Yet another iStock image, also violating the site's terms and conditions. There was no contact information for the photographer in this case, so I contacted iStock directly to let them know and got this reply:

Thank you for contacting us.

Please know that we take the rights of our contributors and their models very seriously. We are aware of this situation and are currently working on it. We sincerely appreciate you taking the time to send this our way.

It was signed off by a woman from a department called "Compliance Enforcement", which I LOVE the sound of. In my head she goes around kicking doors down and shouting "COMPLY OR DIE, BITCHES!" at nefarious types. Anyway, this leaves the third and final ad. And guess what? We found that photo too!


In this case, the photo in question is the work of an award-winning Swedish photographer and scientist called Lennart Nilsson. Here's an interesting fact about his work that appears on his Wikipedia page:

Although claiming to show the living fetus, Nilsson actually photographed aborted material obtained from women who terminated their pregnancies under Swedish law. Working with dead embryos allowed Nilsson to experiment with lighting, background and positions, such as placing the thumb into the fetus’ mouth. But the origin of the pictures was rarely mentioned, even by 'pro-life' activists, who in the 1970s appropriated these icons.

It doesn't necessarily mean that the photo above is from a terminated pregnancy, but in fairness, it makes it a pretty strong possibility. We got in touch with the Scandanavian photo agency that handles the rights and sale of Nilsson's work, with a link to the above ad using his photo and here's the reply we got:

Thank you very much for sharing this information with us
I look into this and will contact the company because we have not made this sales.

Shazam, motherfuckers!

Of course, we haven't heard anything since, as it's between the photo agencies and Youth Defence now. At the very least, I imagine that YD are going to get landed with a massive bill for this, and the Nilsson photo in particular, as I somehow doubt that the work of a world famous photographer comes cheap. I know that they're a ridiculously well funded group, what with their connections to big anti-choice entities in the US, but the fact that we might have managed to cost them a chunk of their money while they peddle misinformation and lies makes me very happy indeed.

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery (Vol. 5)

Well the reaction to these posts continues to be ridiculously amazing and lovely so thank you AGAIN to everyone who's reading, tweeting and sharing them. You're all brilliant. Onwards to Volume 5!

(If you need to catch up, here are Volumes 1, 2, 3 and 4)


Just as Christian and Ana have finished fucking, they can hear that his mother is in the hallway and about to burst in on the two of them in bed, only Taylor – Grey’s assistant or Number One or whatever – explains that Christian is not alone in the bedroom. Ana’s all “she’s practically walked in on us in flagrante delicto”, like anyone actually talks like that. Shut up Ana. She wants to hide in the bedroom and Christian actually THREATENS her like a total dickbag, saying:  

“I will expect you in that room in five minutes, otherwise I’ll come and drag you out of here myself in whatever you’re wearing.”

Because that’s exactly how you want to introduce your new girlfriend/plaything to your mother, manhandling her out of a bedroom, while she cries and tries to cover herself up with one hand and pull her pants up with the other. FUCK YOU, Christian, you utter PRICK.

Instead of telling him to stop being such a dick, she gets her act together and is introduced to Dr. Grace Trevelyan Grey. All I can think is DO NOT STEAL HER CORN! SHE WILL SEND YOU TO AUSTRALIA PRISON! (I realise that if you're not familiar with the Fields of Athenry, that makes no sense whatsoever. Sorry.) Ana’s phone rings and she assumes it’s Kate and answers it without checking the number, as if anyone in the year 2011 who owns a mobile phone has ever done that. It turns out it’s José, demanding to know where she is, like he has any right to demand anything after getting all rapey with her. She brushes him off and hangs up, so naturally as soon as his mother leaves, Christian goes into possessive jerk mode, glaring at her for talking to someone else who has a penis. But it's ok for him to act that way guys, because he's, like, a total dreamboat.

He tells her to read over the contract and do some research into the whole dominant/submissive thing. She says “Research?” like she doesn’t know what this foreign concept is, even though she’s somehow completed four years of college. College in America is pretty expensive, as far as I know and so far it seems to me that her education was one hell of a way to waste money. She might as well have just set fire to a mound of cash. Christian clarifies that he means using the internet, and y’know, GOOGLING stuff, which she appears to be unfamiliar with. We find out why that is when she reveals that she doesn’t own a computer or laptop. Excuse me? People had laptops when I was in college six years ago, for fuck’s sake. WHY DON'T YOU JOIN US HERE IN REALITY, ANA?

A Lap Top? What witchcraft is this?

He drives her back home from Seattle, but on the way they stop for food, because, you know, "YOU MUST EAT, ANASTASIA". He orders wine for them both, even though she didn't want wine but he's a fucking jerk and what she wants doesn't matter. At one point he smiles at her, prompting her to inform us of the following: "my stomach pole vaults over my spleen." Isn't that a hernia?

Over lunch, Christian reveals that one of his mother's friends seduced him and made him her submissive when he was fifteen, so now we see that he's all damaged and the only thing to fix him is Ana's virginial love or some shit like that. Then there's some more of him telling her to eat and a lot of me sighing in an exasperated manner and saying "for FUCK'S SAKE, just SHUT UP".

They get back to her house and she's suddenly all "bereft" again because he's going to leave. She tells him that she's wearing his underwear, which she pulled on earlier in a panic when his mother turned up, and "Christian's mouth drops open, shocked." Really? It's not actually that shocking at all. This is a man who apparently engages in hardcore bondage and OWNS A SEX DUNGEON and he's shocked that a girl is wearing his jocks. Get a fucking grip, Grey.

While she's at home, José rings her again to apologise for the whole forcing himself on her thing and instead of telling him to go fuck himself, she forgives him, because self-esteem is overrated anyway.

After giggling with Kate about how sore their vaginas are from all the sex they've both been having (no, really), Ana heads off to bed, as she's tired from her "carnal exertions" (ugh, look at me, I know words) and has a read over Christian's contract. There are around seven pages of mind-numbingly boring detail spelling out the entire thing, at the end of which she's scoffing angrily and shaking her head in disbelief. So you'd think that with this quite obviously being something she's not into, she would just say no, you're grand thanks. THE END. But there's two hundred or so pages to go yet (not to mention two entire books of further drivel) so there's no way we'd be that lucky.

The next morning, a shiny new MacBook arrives at her door, complete with a ponytailed man to set it up for her. He activates her email account and her ACTUAL REACTION is the following:  

"I have an email address?"

OH COME THE FUCK ON! I MIGHT get over the fact that she didn't have a laptop of her own until now, but does EL James ACTUALLY expect us to believe that someone WHO WAS BORN IN 1990 and WENT TO COLLEGE doesn't have an email address? REALLY? I want to physically pull Anastasia out of this book with the express purpose of setting fire to her.

She manages to get her head around this technological wonder in order to email back and forth with Christian, sending pointless, one-line messages like "I had a very good day at work" and "What would you suggest I put into a search engine?". Really, Ana? Just fucking Google some words for Christ's sake, it's not rocket science.

She also says stuff like "I fire up the laptop" and "I fire up Google", like they're both things she has to shovel coal into or crank a handle on in order for them to work. I'm beginning to suspect that EL James has never used a computer and that this entire book happened because she accidentally dropped a typewriter down a flight of stairs and this is the resulting stream of nonsensical bullshit.

Hang on, I'm just opening Wikipedia.

So Ana reads up on the basics of being a submissive, goes for a run in order to think it over and decides to email him with her thoughts on the matter. Which all seems reasonable enough, only instead of doing what she JUST SAID she would, she emails this to him instead:

Okay, I’ve seen enough.
It was nice knowing you.
Ana

I press send, hugging myself, laughing at my little joke.

What? Hugging herself? Little joke? WHAT? I have no idea why she does this or thinks this would be so hilarious. Anyway, he doesn't reply so she pouts and starts packing up her room, as she's moving to Seattle to live with Kate in a place Kate's parents have bought because she's a massive fucking freeloader. Some time passes and as she's reading over the contract again, something catches her eye, causing her to look up, only to see CHRISTIAN FUCKING GREY IN THE DOORWAY OF HER BEDROOM. HOLY FUCK, RUN AWAY FROM THIS TERRIFYING MAN, ANA.

He says how serene and peaceful her room is, even though in my experience, a room that's in the process of being packed up for a move tends to be anything but. Ana composes herself by saying that her medulla oblongata recalls its purpose, which, incidentally is the third time she mentions her medulla oblongata in the book. These are the other times:

"And from a very tiny, underused part of my brain – probably located at the base of my medulla oblongata where my subconscious dwells..." 

"..my medulla oblongata has neglected to fire any synapses to make me breathe."

If your medulla oblongata did indeed neglect to fire any synapses then I'm pretty sure you'd be dead. I don't know why EL James insists on saying it so much because no amount of medical terminology can save this book from being the worst written pile of wank I have ever encountered.

Anyway, there's yet another irritating "Stop biting your lip", "I didn't realise I was biting my lip" exchange, and Christian says:

“And you decided that it was nice knowing me? Do you mean knowing me in the biblical sense?”

Hey Christian, NO ONE EVER MEANS IT IN THE BIBLICAL SENSE. Unless they're actually someone FROM THE BIBLE. NOW GO AWAY.

Here Moses, c'mere to me so I can know the face off ya.

His eyes blaze some more and at this stage I feel like throwing a glass of water at his face to put the fire out. He's also described as "waiting, coiled to strike", which quite frankly sounds fucking terrifying. They end up having sex again, this time with Christian pouring white wine into her bellybutton and doing her from behind, where she comes about eight times. Afterwards, when she has explained that her email was a joke, he says "I thought you were saying no, no discussion at all." So if she WAS serious and didn't want to have anything more to do with him, his reaction to that is to turn up at her door, unannounced and ride her. This is not romantic behaviour, this is scary, possessive stalker behaviour.

Amount of times Ana refers to Christian as a "stalker": 10
Amount of times Ana refers to Christian as a "control freak": 20

Hey Ana, there's a clue for you there in the words that YOU HAVE SAID WITH YOUR MOUTH. I have no idea why she isn't climbing out her bedroom window and screaming for someone to call the cops.

I hate this book.

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery (Vol. 4)

Ok, this post doesn't quite zip along the story as quickly as I'd like, but that's because (like the last one) I get sidetracked by stupid literary devices that set my teeth on edge. Shall we?


That evening, Christian drives Ana to a heliport, in order to fly her to Seattle. "We’re in a built-up area of the city and even I know helicopters need space to take off and land." says Ana to herself. Which makes me wonder if Ana has ever seen a helicopter, or maybe even just a photo of one, seeing as the WHOLE POINT of helicopters is that they don't need a lot of space to take off and land. THEY CAN GO DIRECTLY UP AND DOWN, YOU MUPPET.

Anyway, they get to his fancy penthouse apartment in Seattle, where he plies her with white wine despite all his pearl-clutching about her drinking the night before. While she's taking in the swanky setting, this line happens:

""Do you play?" I point my chin at the piano."

What? If her hands weren't free to gesture, why wouldn't she just nod towards the piano? Does she give directions to people by pointing with her chin instead of her hands? Or does she have a hand hidden in her chin like Chuck Norris? So many questions!


Grey brings out a non-disclosure agreement for her to sign, which means that she can't tell anyone anything about what they get up to. Of course, a normal person would get the fuck out of there, quick smart. This is Anastasia though, so she signs it without even reading it. I hate her so much. He decides to show her his "playroom", which - shock! - is a fancy S&M dungeon and none of us saw this coming.

He wants her to be his submissive and shows her the rules of the contract she would have to sign if she agreed. It's a whole litany of overbearing nonsense about how often she has to eat, that she'll only wear clothes approved by him, that she'll do everything he says without question, that she'll be shaved or waxed at all times and "undergo any treatments the Dominant sees fit." Basically it's written consent for him to completely control her and everything she does and while anyone else would tell him to go and shite, Ana stays put.

She tells him she's a virgin, so after freaking out for a bit, he decides to go easy on her to begin with and sex her up all vanilla style. I'd just like to point out that it takes until the end of Chapter Eight for the first sex scene. With a book as tedious as this, that's like twenty normal-book chapters.

They get to the bedroom and there's some incredibly unsexy undressing described, detailing him pulling off her Converse and socks and "running his thumbnail up my instep". If someone did that to me they'd get an involuntary kick in the face. Jesus, like. Fuck away off from my instep. Followed by a voluntary kick in the face. Then, once he's got her in her knickers, this exchange happens:

“Show me how you pleasure yourself.”
What? I frown.
“Don’t be coy, Ana, show me,” he whispers.
I shake my head.
“I don’t know what you mean.” My voice is hoarse. I hardly recognize it, laced with desire.

Right. Anyone else would be a filthy liar for claiming that they don't know what he means, but then again, this is a 21 year old who has never kissed anyone or HELD HANDS with anyone. We can only assume that she was completely unaware of her genitals before now. To move things along, Christian tugs at her nipples for a bit, which is apparently enough to make her come for the first time.

To which I say:

BULL. SHIT.

He whips out a condom and "pulling off his boxer briefs, his erection springs free." Every time I read this sentence I hear a big BOI-OI-OING sound in my head. However, Ana is scared of his cock and thinks "Oh no…Will it? How?", prompting him to say “Don't worry [...] You expand too.” Because Ana has reached the age of 21 without finding out the basics of HOW SEX WORKS.

He eventually gets around to riding her, but right before he does, announces "I'm going to fuck you now, Miss Steele". Can you imagine someone saying that to you right before sex? You'd break your arse laughing. Anyway, Ana ends up orgasming all over the place, even though it was her first time, but that’s because she’s a human sex doll and Christian is a sex wizard. Also, he leaves his shirt on the whole time. Winnie the Pooh style. HOT.

Dirty BASTARD.

The next morning, Ana wakes up with him beside her and wonders "How can anyone look this good and still be legal?" Be legal? Does she think he's an illegal immigrant? Or underage? Or does she just not understand what the word legal means? Fucking Jaysus Ana.

During breakfast, he badgers her some more about her not eating enough, on the off-chance that we'd forgotten about that fucking irritating quirk of his. Funnily enough, he doesn’t seem at all concerned about her constant wasting of teabags though, seeing as she might as well just wave the bag in front of her cup and then throw it in the bin, for the amount of use she gets out of them.

They take a bath together after breakfast and he tells her to stop biting her lip again, because it makes him want to fuck her (and it’s not like he can control his actions or anything) and he can’t fuck her now because she’s sore from the previous night’s riding when he “ripped through her virginity”. That’s the actual phrase that was used, by the way. I’m not sure I’ve ever heard anything as deeply unsexy as that before in my life.

In the bath, he washes her for a bit and gets her to turn around, and she’s “shocked” SHOCKED that he has his boner in his hand, despite the fact that she noted how she could feel it against her back SECONDS BEFOREHAND. But never mind that, check out what he says: “I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favourite and most cherished part of my body. I’m very attached to this.”

Ok, aside from the fact that it would be physically impossible not to burst out laughing in his face after him saying that, two things.

1. First name terms? In that case what’s its name? Because I’m calling it Dr. Nathaniel McCleod from now on. Or Nate Dogg.
2. “I’m very attached to this” is such a goddamn stupid thing to say about something that is in fact attached to your body. It’s kind of a given. I’m very attached to my arms but I don’t need to actually state it. Shut up Christian.

She decides to go down on him - and guess what! – she has no gag reflex. Well of course not, she's been genetically engineered for sex, after all. Which is SUPER handy. Mid blow-job, she thinks to herself “He’s my very own Christian Grey flavour popsicle” and just when I thought such a thing was impossible, it makes me hate her even more. Also, she’s so delighted with her new found skillz that her “inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves”. My inner goddess wants to murder the fuck out of her inner goddess.

Would you like to see a list of all the annoying things that her idiot inner goddess does? Of course you would.

She:

• stops dancing and is staring too, mouth open and drooling slightly
• sits in the lotus position looking serene
• jumps up and down, clapping her hands like a five-year-old 
• stops jumping and smiles serenely
• glows so bright she could light up Portland (maybe she's radioactive)
• makes a very vulgar and unattractive gesture at him with her fingers (him being Paul - one of the dudes that inexplicably fancies stupid Ana)
• jumps up and down with cheerleading pom-poms, shouting yes
• does backflips in a routine worthy of a Russian Olympic gymnast
• smacks her lips together, glowing with pride
• bounces up and down like a small child waiting for ice cream
• is going to explode (I really wish she would, then we could dispense with all of this fucking stupidity)
• looks like someone snatched her ice cream
• lies on a rug eating grapes and tapping her fingers impatiently
• hops from foot to foot
• has her pom poms in hand - she’s in cheerleading mode 
• spins like a world-class ballerina, pirouette after pirouette
• has a “Do not disturb” sign on the outside of her room
• pops her head above the parapet (someone PLEASE SHOOT HER)
• pouts, failing miserably to hide her disappointment
• does the dance of the Seven Veils
• basks in a remnant of post-coital glow 
• leaps up cheering from her chaise longue
• subconscious and inner goddess glance nervously at one another (KILL THEM WITH FIRE!)
• pole vaults over a fifteen foot bar
• stands on a podium awaiting her gold medal (for being a fucking TOOL)
• backflips off the podium and does cartwheels around the stadium
• hides under a blanket behind a sofa
• sways and writhes to some primal carnal rhythm
• endeavours to look brave

LADS. I would LOVE to say that I made some of those up and you had to guess which ones I invented and which ones were actually in a book that was PUBLISHED and that someone got PAID TO WRITE. However, all of those things actually happened in it and I died a little inside every time they did. She's half cheerleader, half gymnast, all douchebag.

Appearances of the phrase "inner goddess": 58

So anyway. They have yet another ride after that, only this time he ties her up with a grey (of course) tie. Ana describes her horniness by saying “my heated blood pools low in my belly, between my legs” which sounds like she has some manner of internal injury and could probably do with an ambulance, rather than kinky sex right now. All of the sex scenes in this are really annoying, because Anastasia seems unable to say the word vagina, even in her head. It’s all "there", “down there” and “my sex”, which is the most unsexy and cringey and stupid thing to call your vagina ever. Another thing to add to the Reasons Why I Hate Ana list. It's filling up pretty fast.

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery (Vol. 3)

Alright, let's do this.


The next morning, Ana wakes up in Grey's hotel suite and compares him to a courtly knight, despite the fact that he brought her to his place instead of hers and took her pants off. He responds with "Dark knight, maybe", which would have been the perfect time to say "I am Batman" and swoop out of the room in a cape that we didn't previously know he was wearing. But that would be too much fun, so instead he informs her that "if you were mine you wouldn't be able to sit down for a week after the stunt you pulled". I'm amazed that they can actually see anything at this point, what with all the goddamn foreshadowing going on here. He gets all cross at her for not eating before going on the lash the night before, saying "You need to eat. [...] It's drinking rule number one." ACTUALLY Christian, I think you'll find that eatin' is cheatin' is drinking rule number one. So shut your damn billionaire mouth.

Anyway, in the meantime Anastasia's subconscious has magically taken on a life of her own, as earlier on when Christian showed up at the bar after tracking her ass down, she was "figuratively tutting and glaring at me over her half moon specs." Clearly half moon spectacles aren't just for Santa and Professor Dumbledore any more. However, now the thought of boning Christian has her subconscious "doing her happy dance in a bright red hula skirt". She may or may not be playing a ukelele, it's not completely clear.

Ana's subconscious could look like either of these people at any given moment. You might not recognise her until it's too late. CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

It's a clunky and irritating literary device that just makes Ana look like she has split personalities, all of whom are just as fucking annoying as she is. Her subconscious is mostly a disapproving character in her head, wagging her finger at her and telling her to cop on, even though the whole idea of your subconscious is that you're unaware of it. Hence the SUB part. Clue is in the name there, E.L.

Here are the other things that her subconscious does throughout the book:

• stares at Ana in awe 
• screams at her, arms folded, leaning on one leg and tapping her foot in frustration
• whines at her in a sneering mood
• has emigrated or been struck dumb or simply keeled over and expired (if only)
• swoons and passes out somewhere in the back of her head
• purses her lips and mouths the word ‘ho’ (THREE TIMES)
• glares at her over her wing-shaped spectacles (She must have fancied a change from the half moon ones. Either that or the author hasn't actually READ HER OWN BOOK and decided that continuity is for squares.) 
• glares at her, wagging her long skinny finger, then morphs into the scales of justice (No, really.) 
• screams at her like a harpy
• runs, screaming, and hides behind the couch (WHAT FUCKING COUCH?)
• peeks out from behind the couch, still registering shock on her harpy face
• quails in the corner
• nods sagely, a you’ve-finally-worked-it-out-stupid look on her face
• quakes at the knees
• is furious and Medusa like, with hair flying and her hands clasped around her face like Edvard Munch's The Scream (LOOK AT ME, I KNOW STUFF ABOUT ART N' CULTURE N' SHIT) 
• whistles with her hands behind her back, looking anywhere but at Ana (even though she can't actually look ANYWHERE because your subconscious is NOT A PERSON)
• anxiously bites her nails
• has her Edvard Munch face on again (Jesus fucking Christ)
• relaxes and then collapses, slumped into an old battered armchair (what happened to the couch?)
• frantically fans herself
• finds her Nikes and is on the starting blocks (I can't remember why)

So Ana takes a shower and her subconscious (just typing that is making me feel stabby) sneers "You’ve slept in his bed all night, and he’s not touched you Ana. You do the math." as proof that he doesn't fancy her. So, wait, she WANTS him to grope her while she's passed out drunk then? What? I'm finding it hard to hear her over ALL THE HATE I have for this TOTAL SPANNER of a woman. And her fucking subconscious.

They have breakfast together, he harasses her again about not eating enough, there's some lame sexual tension (mostly him growling some bullshit about how she should stop biting her lip because he wants to do that and her practically creaming herself at the thought) and then he announces that he's not going to touch her until he has her written consent to do so. Which doesn't seem to strike Ana as the right moment to make her excuses and get the fuck out of there. When he mentions that he doesn't normally sleep in his bed with anyone else, and that her sleeping beside him was a novelty for him, Ana says: ""Not having...sex." There - I said the word." SERIOUSLY? Congratulations Ana, you're a 21 year old woman who can say the word sex out loud. Hang on there till I find you a FUCKING MEDAL.

Despite this rule that he's just announced, as they're leaving he grabs her in the lift on the way downstairs and shifts the fuck out of her, "his erection against my belly", murmuring "You. Are. So. Sweet. [...] each word a staccato". Which. Is. Both. Hilarious. And. Really. Stupid. He stops kissing her when the doors ping open, and the fact that he can sufficiently regain his composure makes her wonder "Is he totally unaffected by my presence?" Well Ana, he LITERALLY just wore the face off you and LITERALLY just had his boner shoved against you, so yes, I guess he's totally unaffected. You clown.

Between her going for a shower and him jumping her in the lift, Ana says "oh my" seven times over those eight pages. She is CONSTANTLY saying "oh my", to the point that I started to picture George Takei every time she did while simultaeneously wanting to strangle her with my sock.

Appearances of the phrase "oh my": 71


Right after the lift, we meet her inner goddess. Her inner goddess is the free-spirited dancing gymnast gobshite to her subconscious's spectacle-wearing judgemental librarian, and "sways in a gentle victorious samba" after the surprise kissing attack. This is not the last we will hear of the inner goddess. Not by a long shot.

I realise I haven't moved that far along in the story with this post, as I got a bit sidetracked by being angry at her stupid subconscious and the outrageously idiotic idea of it. I will endeavour to get this over with a little better in future posts, although I can't promise anything as the next one features all the fucking moronic things her inner gobshite does.

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery (Vol. 2)

Right then. It turns out that Fifty Shades is certified blog catnip. The reaction to the first post about it was ridiculously amazing, so thanks so much and inappropriately long hugs to everyone who commented and shared it, you're a big shower of rides, the lot of you. (Also, I quite heartily recommend Karen's glorious Irish version, Fifty Shades of Shite on Ramp.ie, first part here and second part here.) So, onwards to Volume 2!


After the photoshoot, Christian asks Ana to join him for coffee. She eventually agrees and on the way thinks to herself "I am going to have coffee with Christian Grey... and I hate coffee." I hate coffee too Ana, but guess what? Coffee shops sell OTHER DRINKS! Christmas is saved! They get to the coffee shop and she orders tea, English Breakfast Tea, to be precise because she thinks she's so fucking fancy and special.

"I pop the teabag into the teapot and almost immediately fish it out again with my teaspoon."

Reason number #87 why I hate Ana: She can't even drink tea properly. THAT'S JUST HOT WATER, YOU GEEBAG. That quote is immediately followed by this:

"As I place the used teabag back on the side plate, he cocks his head gazing quizzically at me. “I like my tea black and weak,” I mutter as an explanation."

Now COME ON, that is just the perfect set-up for someone to say "Like my men". The fact that neither one of them makes that joke just proves what humourless twerps they both are. I honestly have no idea why Christian is so interested in her at this point, because so far all she has done is stare down at her hands (how bloody rude) and blush, for the entire coffee shop conversation. In fact, she has blushed six times between agreeing to go for coffee and them talking for a bit once they get there. In that small amount of time her face has been "beet red", pink, crimson and scarlet. Ana and her magic multi-coloured stupid face.

He mentions that he doesn't "do the girlfriend thing" as they're leaving. Almost immediately, dopey Ana trips over FUCKING NOTHING and falls towards the road. But Christian's ninja-like reflexes spring into action, so she narrowly misses getting hit by a cyclist and finds herself pulled to his manly bodywash-scented chest for safety. She suddenly realises that "for the first time in twenty-one years, I want to be kissed". Oh PLEASE. You're 21 and you have NEVER wanted to be kissed until now? GET TO FUCK. Throw her into the goddamn traffic, Christian.

She tries to eye-bang him into kissing her but he pulls away, leaving her "bereft" (drama queen) and says she should steer clear of him. Even though it was him that turned up at the hardware shop and him and that asked her out for coffee, but whatever Christian. Anyway, Ana gets back to the garage where her car is parked and feels so rejected that she curls up into a ball on the GROUND and sobs for a while because she's a ridiculous human being and can't sob in the car like a normal person.

He gets it.

When she gets home all red-eyed from the crying, Kate asks her what's wrong, at which point Ana thinks to herself "Oh no… not the Katherine Kavanagh Inquisition." Because a friend showing concern for you when you're quite obviously upset is EXACTLY like being chained up and tortured for heresy. By the fourth time that exact phrase appeared, with a "Christian Grey Inquistion" thrown in along the way, I wanted to beat E.L. James to death with a thesaurus. This is without doubt the most repetitive book I have ever read.

No one expects the Katherine Kavanagh Inquisistion!

Ana eventually finishes her exams and comes home after her last one to find a mysterious package waiting for her. It turns out that it contains three first edition volumes of Tess of the D'Urbervilles, which she has been referencing on every second page all this time, in an attempt make her sound intelligent and interesting. It doesn't. Unsurprisingly, the books are from Christian Grey, because the best way to get someone to steer clear of you is to send them a present worth a fuckload of money.

Ana and Kate go out and Ana proceeds to get shitfaced for the first time ever (do join me in an eye-roll) and drunk-dials Christian. He quickly deduces that she's drunk, what with it being late and her slurring her words and all and demands to know where she is, like it's any of his damn business. She hangs up without telling him where she is and goes outside to get some air, with José creeping behind her like a cartoon burglar. José charmingly chooses this moment to initiate Mission Get Into Ana'a Pants, taking advantage of her drunken state like a total fucking asshole, gets all grabby and kisses her. She's trying to pull away and he won't let her go, and now he's another character that I hate and want to throw hammers at.

Enter Christian Grey, rescuing her just in time and giving her the opportunity to jump from the frying pan of potential rape into some controlling dickhead stalker fire. Er...hooray? Next thing Ana starts vomiting everywhere, due to the five margaritas and champagne she'd been drinking. She wishes that the azaeleas in the flowerbed she's vomiting on would swallow her up and so do I, because then this book would be over and we could all get on with our lives.

It would have been so amazing if it was a flowerbed of these.

After she's done, Christian tells her "this is beyond the pale" (because people talk like that) and berates her for having the nerve to get hammered the day she's finished college. It turns out that he found her by tracking her mobile phone. HOLY FUCK, RUN AWAY ANA. Instead of being alarmed by this frankly very worrying behaviour, she agrees to let him take her home. JESUS CHRIST ANA.

When she insists on telling Kate that she's leaving, he inexplicably drags her out onto the dancefloor for an impromptu bop, despite the fact that she's just gotten violently ill. It turns out that his brother Elliot, who he brought along on his creepy-ass quest is also on the dancefloor and with Kate, who is doing her sexy moves all up on him. Ana is normally a terrible dancer, what with the TOTALLY adorable clumsiness that has already been established and that makes me want to punch her in the face. However, she suddenly CAN dance now that she's with Christian and he's made of sex magic and is part unicorn after all. Then this happens:

"In the back of my mind, my mother’s often-recited warning comes to me: Never trust a man who can dance."

What kind of stupid fucking advice is that? Boys who can dance are SUPER FUN.

Case CLOSED, motherfucker.

When they're about to leave, Ana looks over at Kate who is now in Elliot's arms and thinks: "Even in my inebriated state, I am shocked. She’s only just met him." She's IN HIS ARMS! She's probably PREGNANT now! Fuck's sake Ana. She also says that she has to talk to Kate before they leave, because "I need to do the safe sex lecture". Which is hilarious, because Kate's a grown-ass woman who, unlike Ana, has actually gotten the ride before. So no, Ana, you don't need to do the safe sex lecture, you TOTAL SAP.

And that concludes Volume 2. I'm tired now from being so mad at this book and everyone in it. I need a nap.