Sweet Valley High Revisited - Power Play

I realise that there have been more tumbleweeds than blog posts around here lately, which is due to real life work being so ridiculously busy for the last while and my getting home in the evenings and not having the energy or inclination to go near a screen, unless it's to play Draw Something. Things seem to have calmed down somewhat for the moment, so I've decided to do the next in my continuing series of posts wherein I'm appalled and fascinated by The Glorious Wakefields. Also because the last time I met my lovely friend Brenda for a pint, she shouted "READ FASTER!" at me.

Sweet Valley High #4: Power Play 

The twins look like they're about to shift the faces off each other. Also, nice eyebrows.

Right so, this book's main plot concerns one Robin Wilson, whose introduction in the last book served only to quickly establish the fact that she's REALLY FAT and wants to be friends with Jessica. Well it turns out that she also desperately wants to join the Pi Beta Alpha sorority that the twins are members of, even though they sound like a shower of self-important bitches who don't actually do anything. Even Elizabeth keeps harping on about how snobby they are so I don't know why she won't just fucking well leave. Anyway, Robin is under the illusion that Jessica is her friend and has promised to nominate her for membership at their next pointless meeting. Elizabeth knows full well that Jessica won't do anything of the sort and is just using Robin as some kind of errand-running lackey, so she decides to throw the poor girl a bone and nominate her herself.

Unsurprisingly, Jessica and the Pi Betas don't want Robin in their clique because a fat girl would be bad for their image and they're all terrible people. However, they go ahead and agree to nominate her, as that means they get to torment her via the ridiculous and totally stupid process of hazing, before having to vote on whether she can join or not. I've always thought the Greek system was a load of wank and it totally is. Jessica, Lila and Cara call to Robin's house to tell her the "good" news and for some reason are repulsed by her nervous and kind offers of milkshakes or sodas, because, again, they're TERRIBLE PEOPLE WITH NO SOULS. Who wouldn't gladly accept a milkshake when offered one? VAPID IDIOTS, that's who.

Lila, Jessica and Cara are like an Eighties version of this in my head.

If the last book was bad for constantly pointing out that Robin is overweight, this book is utterly relentless in reminding us. In the first chapter alone it mentions her hungrily munching two giant bars of chocolate while talking to Elizabeth and describes her getting up off the couch as "struggling to get out of the deep cushions". See, it's because she's SO FAT, YOU GUYS. She can't even SIT DOWN without ending up like a chubby turtle stuck on its back, HA HA HA. When Jessica and her cronies leave the house, Robin is so overwhelmed with happiness that she celebrates the only way a fat bird knows how, which - according to Francine and her cackling, body-shaming ghostwriter army - is by eating an entire cherry cheesecake.

The next day, Elizabeth is furious to discover that Jessica and her posse of bitches are making Robin run laps of the school's running track after school for a week, while they and a bunch of other horrible people mock her in a vicious and heartless display of bullying. Her next task is to go to the beach and play volleyball in a bikini, which Robin is dreading, because in case you've forgotten, SHE'S FAT. Anyway, Robin perseveres and gets through each challenge, much to evil Jessica's annoyance, so she cooks up an impossible one to stop Robin in her big fat tracks. She now has to get Bruce Patman to take her to the Disco-marathon that weekend. DUN DUN DUUUUN. And yes, so far we've had a dance PER BOOK since book one. The students of Sweet Valley High must be fucking exhausted. Elizabeth tries to console her and this actual conversation takes place:

"I might as well ask Elvis Presley!" "Robin," Elizabeth reminded her gently, "Elvis has been dead for-" "That's just my point. I'd have a better chance with a dead superstar than a live Bruce Patman!"

Oh my GOD, Elizabeth you PATRONISING GEEBAG. Did she ACTUALLY think that Robin didn't know that Elvis is dead? SERIOUSLY.

Anyway, Elizabeth persuades Bruce to take Robin to the dance in exchange for her writing a big feature about him in the school paper about him being brilliant at tennis. Which results in what must be the most hilarious line in the whole book, because Bruce has inexplicably turned into a 1930s cartoon gangster. "All right. I'll take her. But I want my picture in, see! A big one. And tell how I whipped that guy at Palisades." I swear I nearly fell out of bed laughing at that one.

So Bruce takes Robin to the dance but immediately ditches her in the middle of the dance floor, loudly asking if anyone wants to steer the Queen Mary around for the night, before walking off, like an utter dickhead. Robin runs off crying and Elizabeth tries to give her a pep talk in the bathroom, realises that Robin is actually really pretty and for some reason seems totally amazed that a heavy girl could be good looking. Robin has had enough of the Wakefield wenches at this stage so she runs off to the car park and ends up meeting the lanky school paper photographer, Allen Walters. He gets her to come back inside, they dance together and then he takes her home. Aw. In your face, Jesssica!

Meanwhile, Lila "Daddy Issues" Fowler has been shoplifting the shit out of Lisette's, a fancy new French boutique at the mall. Elizabeth sees her yoinking a bracelet and it turns out that she's doing it for attention because her dad is hardly ever home. She gets caught by mall security and calls Elizabeth to come help her, even though they hate each other and gets six months probation and a promise from her dad that he'll be less of an absent jerk.

The Pi Betas hold their vote on new members, but Robin gets blackballed (by Jessica, of course) and is distraught. She disappears for a bit and when she returns she stops talking to anyone at school and walks around like a "space cadet" according to Jessica, whom she totally blanks now. Go Robin! She also takes up pounding the running track every day after school, losing weight (a bit too) quickly and as a concession to the fact that anorexia is bad, m'kay, Elizabeth tells her she hopes she's doing it the right way, so Robin assures her that she's not starving herself to death. She tries out for the cheerleading squad and not only does she make the cut, she becomes co-captain and now that she's skinny and hot, everyone thinks she's brilliant so she's suddenly popular. This book sends out SUCH a horrendously bad message.

At this stage, even Bruce Patman has a raging hard-on for Robin and when she declares her candidacy for Miss Sweet Valley High (I don't know how these kids actually get an education at this school, when 90% of the curriculum is dances and pageants) the school splits into Team Jessica and Team Robin. The chemistry club name their newest formula "The Robin Reaction" (because all high school students INVENT FORMULAS, right?) and the football team's offensive and defensive lines carry banners around the school declaring their support for either Jessica or Robin. The one for Robin reads Robin Has Us Throbbin'. Seriously. FILTH! On the night of some big football game, Robin is announced as the winner and then publicly disses Bruce by asking him to drive her around the stadium in his Porsche for her victory lap, but choosing Allen to be her escort, reducing Bruce to lowly chauffeur status. HA! Good enough for him.

Notable outfit:
There was a serious lack of hilarious clothing this time around, but we DO get treated to the most Eighties sentence in the world:

"Jessica was wearing leotards and exercising with Jane Fonda via video cassette."

Leotards? Plural? How many did she have on?

Things I counted:
Number of pages: 150
References to the twins' blue-green eyes: 3
References to the fact that the twins are blonde: 4
Amount of times people blush: 9
References to Robin being fat: 30 (THIRTY! For realz.)

Veronica's Closet

As you're all probably well aware by now, unless you're allergic to the internet and pop culture news in general, Anchorman is to return for a sequel eight years (EIGHT YEARS! That's an entire small person ago! How did that happen?) after its release. Some are a bit nervous about the news, as sequels as good as their predecessor are a rare thing indeed. But the fact that there's been such a gap since it first came out makes me cautiously optimistic, as hurried sequels tend to be mediocre at best.

So anyway, after hearing the news I decided to write a post about the driven and unflappable Veronica Corningstone, anchorwoman extraordinaire, possessor of the most breathtaking heinie in all of Sandiago and a kickass wardrobe to boot.


She first sashays into Ron Burgundy's life at the news team's pool party, practically glowing in a knockout white ensemble and soft Veronica Lake curls, an unattainable mystery woman who swiftly bats away Ron's declaration of wanting to be on her.


As she finds herself in a constant battle with the boys club of the newsroom, she deals with their clumsy advances and attempts to sabotage her by rising above them and the cloud of Sex Panther fumes with poise and generally being brilliant at what she does.


Of course, her professionalism falters slightly when she tricks Ron into telling San Diego to go fuck itself. But that bit is totally amazing AND he called her a smelly pirate hooker, so yay Veronica! What remains unwavering throughout though are her super sharp suits and deadly scarves.


I'm definitely looking forward to the sequel, being a big fan of the first one, but also to see if they're going to keep the news team in the seventies or bring them into the eighties, and if so, what Veronica's take on a shoulder-padded power suit will be.

NEWS TEAM...ASSEMBLE!

Sweet Valley High Revisited - Playing With Fire

While it may not look like it, this post was very nearly a disaster of the unmitigated variety. I had just gotten stuck into book three of the series in ebook format and all was going to plan. There was a dance contest at the school (of course), Lila was wearing a yellow dress that "looked like it had been ripped right from the pages of In Style" (In Style? Ok, maybe it's been around since the Eighties, thought I), however, there seemed to be a suspicious lack of hilarious outfits but then we got to the school band playing onstage and shit got real, because these guys were called Valley of Death. VALLEY OF DEATH? Stall the fucking BALL, who the hell are these jokers?

Next thing I know, it's being explained that the dance competition used to be totally lame but "since all the crazy reality TV dance competitions started popping up, it had become one of the most popular events of the year". Reality TV? In the Eighties? I BLOODY WELL THINK NOT.

It turns out I was reading a 2008 rewrite. I would have flung it across the room in disgust, only I was reading it on my iPad and that probably wouldn't be the best idea ever. Let me tell you, the town of Sweet Valley in 2008 is a frightening and unfamiliar place. For one thing, Bruce no longer drives his black Porsche, he now has a Cadillac. Are Porsches not cool enough anymore or something? Dairi Burger has mutated into Casa del Sol, a burritos and nachos Mexican restaurant. What the hell was wrong with burgers? People still eat burgers, you rewriting jerks! As I've already pointed out, The Droids are now called Valley of Death. Ugh. WORST. NAME. EVER. As if that wasn't bad enough, it describes drummer Emily Mayer's outfit thusly: "Her dark hair was combed into her face and her eyes were rimmed with black kohl liner. She was wearing a faded black t-shirt with a red peace sign on the front and baggy shorts with combat boots." You IDIOTS! The Droids dress like Jem and The Holograms, not like My Chemical Romance rejects! For shame, ghost writing lady. FOR. SHAME.

Anyway, the day was eventually saved by eBay and my slightly panicked snapping up of the first six books of the series. So here we go, the untainted, unspoiled, un-mobile-phones-being-awkwardly-shoehorned-in-at-every-opportunity version of book the third.

Sweet Valley High #3: Playing With Fire


So, big dance contest hoo-ha. It seems that the very fabric of Sweet Valley High would be under serious threat if there wasn't a dance of some sort held at least once a week. Thanks to Elizabeth's dastardly revenge plot at the end of the second book, Jessica has to attend the dance with nerdy Winston Egbert, as they're the reigning king and queen of something or other. Jessica is all huffy because she wants to dance with the minted and handsome Bruce Patman and Winston keeps stepping on her foot. We're also introduced to Robin Wilson, who has the audacity to want to be friends with Jessica and who, by the sound of it, is the only fat person in all of Sweet Valley. The way the book describes her is actually so cruel and unnecessary, practically every mention of her has some reference to her size - "the overweight girl", "running as fast as her plump legs could carry her", "the pudgy girl standing before her" - Jesus, alright Francine, we get it, you hate fat people. Way to fuck with preteen reader body issues. Anyway, Bruce eventually swoops in and rescues Jessica from Winston's left-footedness with his nifty dance moves, lifting her high in the air and spinning her over his shoulders because it seems that they're actually Johnny Castle and Baby. Naturally, they win and Jessica ditches Winston to go off to Ken's house party with Bruce, after Elizabeth does the requisite bit of nagging her to be careful.

At the party, when the group all go for a splash in the lake, Jessica and Bruce swim away from the rest to grind against each other like dogs in heat. They're having a watery shift when suddenly Jessica realises that Bruce has UNTIED HER BIKINI TOP. They're up to their shoulders in water and all but still, it's totally SAUCY you guys. The book even says the word breasts! Can you HANDLE the SCANDAL? THIS is why these books were barred from certain households in the early Nineties. Jessica begins to back off a bit, so Bruce essentially calls her a prick tease and even though Jessica wants to slow things down a notch, they sneak off to the woods together because logic is for losers.

Elizabeth comes over all Helen Lovejoy, clutches her pearls and follows them into the trees to save Jessica from having sexy fun with the handsome boy she likes. She reminds me here of the Joan Rivers-voiced lady version of C-3PO in Spaceballs and her Virgin Alarm. Jessica tells Elizabeth to fuck away off and stays out all night with Bruce like the horny teenager she is.

The next morning, Elizabeth is moping over breakfast while Ned and Alice give us a little insight into their seemingly perfect relationship. Alice reads in the paper that George Fowler is expanding his business so she decides to show him her interior design portfolio, seeing as that's her job and all. It turns out that Ned has heard that the job is going to some big firm in San Francisco and never mentioned it to her because it didn't seem important. "She was unhappy with her husband's lack of interest in her work, but she had no desire to make an issue of it on this bright, clear Sunday morning." And it seems that she never gets the desire to call Ned out on his disinterested bullshit, because that's the last we ever hear of it. Fuck you, Ned Wakefield!

In the meantime, aka Subplot-land, The Droids are all excited because a record company rep came to their gig at the dance competition (he wore red leather pants. RED LEATHER PANTS) and said he's going to be their manager and make them famous.

Jessica starts spending all her time according to what Bruce wants to do, skips classes to indulge in a spot of frottage on school grounds, collects dry cleaning for him and stops going to cheerleading practice because he thinks cheerleading is stupid. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but according to every piece of pop culture ever, high school boys are all about the cheerleaders, no? Well, not in Bruce's case anyway. He's also going around the school saying he gets whatever he wants, when he wants it from Jessica because she's a total hobag. Meanwhile, Jessica acts like a simpering doormat to keep Bruce happy, because he seems to like his women braindead. She's all excited about playing tennis with him, but he gets really annoyed that she's better at it than he is, so she throws the match to keep him sweet. By sweet I mean mentally abusive. She also changes the way she dresses, going on a shopping spree for the most boring clothes ever. A matching brown wool blazer and skirt and two oxford shirts, to be precise. I actually missed the diabolical sociopathic Jessica at this stage. I mean, yeah she was out of her devious mind most of the time, but at least she wouldn't ever let an Eighties douchebag cliché order her around.

He's even got a jumper over his shoulders, which is the universal symbol of smug twats worldwide. He also has Jessica in some manner of choke hold, but hey, who doesn't enjoy a little light choking now and again?

For some reason, Jessica makes plans with Robin (who is fat by the way) to give her a makeover (because she's so fat and all) but blows her off because Bruce whistles for her so she comes running. Elizabeth invites Robin out to a Droids gig that's been organised by their fancy red pants wearing manager. They go along with Todd and Winston, but the club is a dive and hardly anyone shows up. Everyone has a miserable time and it turns out that Mr. Red Pants actually just wanted to get into lead singer Dana Larson's sparkly and/or velvet pants and never had any intention of making The Droids a nationwide success. It seems like a lot of effort for a grown man to go to just to get the ride off a high school student, but whatever.

Boring New Jessica eventually comes to her senses on the night of Bruce's birthday party. He ignores her for the entire shindig, dancing with every girl at the party except her. The party then moves to Guido's for some pizza, but after making a call at the payphone, (in the stupid new version, his mobile goes off and his ringtone is This is Why I'm Hot. Barf.) Bruce announces to Jessica that he has to go because his grandmother has suddenly been struck down by a mystery illness. Elizabeth smells a rat and offers to take Jessica home and with Todd's help, bundles her off into his crap Datsun. They drive around for a bit and Elizabeth pretends that she's left her keys at the pizza place so they have to go back. When Jessica sees that Bruce's car is still there, she comes in too, only to find that Bruce has been joined by some random redheaded hottie. Jessica finally snaps out of her Stepford stupor, throws a pizza slice in Bruce's face and dumps a soda over his head, causing him to topple backwards into the restaurant's indoor fountain. Revenge, Wakefield style. He emotionally abused her, made her change her whole personality and fucked her around the entire time, but it's ok now because he's got cheese on his shirt and he got wet. Yeah. Although I am actually glad that the deranged psycho Jessica is back. Yay!

Notable outfit:
"Dressed in a bright blue, skin-hugging mini-dress and matching tights, Jessica was an eye-catching sight."

I'm sure that anyone who went to a school dance dressed as Smurfette would be an eye-catching sight.

Things I counted:
Number of pages: 149
References to the twins' blue-green eyes: 2 (Disappointing.)
References to the fact that the twins are blonde: 3 (Disappointing x2)
References to Robin Wilson being fat: 11
References to Jessica being "starry-eyed" over Bruce: 3

Paddy's Day In Polaroids

Alternating between cider and Lemsip for my snuffly cold in the name of powering through for our national holiday. The Bear humming Sleigh Ride and putting Christmas songs in my head. "Stop that!" "But I don't know any Patrick's Day songs!" "Sure you do! Dóchas linn Naomh Pádraig, something something Éireann..." "Paa rum-pa-pum-pum!" "No!" Hanging out of a marvellous first floor Dame Street window (same one as last year) to roar "GO WILDCATS!" and the like at the American high school marching bands. An unfortunate clarinet player from one of said bands stopping and getting sick on a Garda's shiny black shoes. Natural Confectionery Company Snakes and Shamrocks jellies. Getting overly excited by the bubbles emanating from Spraoi's steampunk ship float. The Bear and I hungrily horsing pizza into ourselves after a hard day's parade watching and rugby disappointment. Collapsing on the couch and falling apart by around half seven, because powering through when you're not altogether well takes it out of a girl.

Back To School

I can't remember what I was looking for online when I came upon these images. Whatever it was, it ended up being quickly sidelined, as all my attention had now shifted to this shiny new distraction. The distraction in question being the concept art for Gotham High, an abandoned idea for a Batman cartoon set in high school. Artists Jeff and Celeste published the images on their blog last year, explaining that they were asked to develop the idea, which was based on a drawing they had previously sent to DC Comics. The project never got off the ground, but they came up with some rather deadly images for it.


I love me some Harley Quinn (when she's done properly, that is), so I got quite excited when I saw the kick ass poster above, which was the original drawing and starting point for the idea. The rest of the Gotham High artwork shows a teenage Bruce Wayne and Barbara Gordon surrounded by the usual array of Gotham rogues very nicely rendered as high school students.

Click to enlarge. Do it!

The online reaction to the idea was mostly that of Batfans getting all cross and shouting about what a terrible idea it was and how glad they were that it'll never get made. Which seemed a bit harsh. Their biggest problem with it was that it ignores the history of so many of the characters, but seeing as comic universe back stories are always evolving and being rewritten to suit different demands, I think we should all just calm the fuck down and put our pants back on. The show isn't going to be made, so these just offer a fun new spin on established characters in the Batman canon.


Barbara Gordon (Batgirl) is the cute, bespectacled girl next door, Bruce is all handsome and mysterious, Scarecrow is an indie hipster type and Selina Kyle (Catwoman - yay!) is the femme fatale troublemaker. OBVIOUSLY. 


I quite like the look that was given to Catwoman. I'm always in favour of purple hair though - as if I needed another reason to love her - and the leopard print skirt is a nice touch to her bad girl outfit.


The Joker appears pretty much the same as he does in the poster, but Harley is toned down a notch, with no facepaint or side-torso to be seen. She still looks great though, her expression is equal parts endearing and mental. Pamela Isley (Poison Ivy) is a hot green-skinned goth chick, Bane is a wrestler jock and Mr. Freeze is a baldy cool guy.


I wouldn't have thought that being a cheerleader would quite fit with the goth girl role that Poison Ivy was cast in, but I do love this picture of her and Harley Quinn as black-clad cheer squad members. Catwoman is obviously too cool to be a cheerleader. She's probably around the back of those tiered bleachers smoking a fag. I do actually think this could have been a great cartoon, like X Men: Evolution, but more fun. There are more images over on the Jeff and Celeste site and I suggest you have a look at them, because they're brilliant.

Sweet Valley High Revisited - Secrets

Between scrambling for second hand copies on eBay and acquiring downloaded pdfs, it appears that I'm managing to get my hands on the first ten or so Sweet Valley High books. Which means that there'll actually be some manner of sequence to this series, temporarily at least. Yay! And with that, onwards to book two!

Sweet Valley High #2: Secrets


It would seem that after suffocating us at the beginning of book one with the "all-American" (what does that even mean?) genetic supremacy of the Wakefield twins, they decided to lay off ever so slightly this time around. Jessica is only referred to as "bewitching" twice, after all. The story kicks off with Jessica desperately hoping she'll be crowned Queen of the Fall Dance, even though there was already a school dance about ten minutes ago. Also, she's totally in love with Bruce Patman because he's rich and hot and drives a Porsche and those are the most important things in life after all.

Meanwhile, Elizabeth and Enid are making cookies in Casa Wakefield (it's a Spanish tiled kitchen, you know) and Enid is all on edge about her boyfriend Ronnie finding out about her TERRIBLE SECRET. Dramatic! Two years earlier, Enid lost the run of herself entirely and started hanging around with a BAD CROWD. She got involved with a ne'er-do-well called George and they did a load of drugs and drinking, culminating in them going joyriding in George's car (is it joyriding if it's your own car?) "stoned out of their minds" (so...they were driving at around six miles an hour then?) and knocking down a little boy, breaking his arm, the hooligans. George was shipped off to boarding school and Enid straightened her life out, becoming the boring sidekick we now know and tolerate.

While she's telling Elizabeth all of this, her thoughts segue into a description about how gorgeous Liz is, lest we forget that even when the story doesn't actually concern them, we should in fact be talking about the Wakefields. So Enid still keeps in touch with George and she's scared of telling Ronnie because he'll freak the fuck out, due to him being a possessive dickhead who gives her shit for talking to anyone male about anything ever. She shows one of his letters to Elizabeth and then they suddenly have a lame pillow fight where neither one of them notices one of the letters falling onto the bedroom floor. THANKS, FREDDIE FORESHADOWING.

Elizabeth's shocked expression = sex doll face. I'm sorry. Also, lavaliere necklaces! Yay!

At school, Jessica is busy being furious that her sister has the cheek to be friends with someone as boring and nerdy as Enid, and at one point even says "what if someone thought it was me hanging out with Enid?" Just to hammer the point home that Jessica is a terrible person and all. She's also got her knickers in a twist over Enid because she's somehow her competition for the Fall Dance Queen thing and Ronnie is head of the dance committee and Jessica seems to think everyone is as mental and devious as she is. I'm not quite sure what the deal is with Enid being her competition though. If pop culture has taught me anything (and it has), it's that the popular, bitchy girls are the ones that get nominated for these things. So surely Jessica's friends or the other sorority girls would have been more likely? If I was Lila Fowler I'd be all kinds of pissed off about it. So anyway, Jessica finds one of George's letters in Elizabeth's room (I DID NOT see that coming) and obviously does the most psychotic thing possible, leaving a copy of it in Ronnie's locker in an attempt to ruin Enid's life over a temporary and ultimately meaningless title.

Anyway, as expected, Ronnie breaks up with Enid, but not before getting all grabby in the car and being generally awful to her. While he's berating her about George, she covers her face with her hands while crying, so he "pried them away, forcing her to look at him. His fingers bit into her wrists, cutting off the circulation". What the HELL Ronnie!? Let go of her, you horrible fuckbag! Maybe Jessica was actually doing her a favour, in her own skewed, sociopathic way.

Over in sub-plot land, there's a rumour circulating around the school that foxy French teacher Miss Dalton is screwing Ken Matthews, one of her students. The rumour was started by Lila, because Miss Dalton is actually dating Lila's father so she's jealous due to her raging case of daddy issues. It all comes to a head when someone leaves a message on the classroom blackboard that reads: IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A FRENCH KISS IS, ASK KEN MATTHEWS. Which is so pathetic I'm amazed that the teacher herself didn't break her hole laughing at how lame it is. Instead she runs off crying and doesn't show up in school for a while.

Anyway, seeing as Elizabeth was the only person that knew about George, she gets the blame and Enid stops talking to her, which confuses Elizabeth no end. She confides in Jessica, who tells her that she's better off without Enid and then dashes off to a party at Lila Fowler's house to eyefuck Bruce Patman. How and ever, it turns out that Bruce is busy hanging out at a college party and apparently bringing a nineteen year old bird to the upcoming dance. I can't speak for anyone else, but when I was nineteen, I'd have been MORTO if I was going out with a sixteen year old boy. Anyway, when Jessica hears all this and realises that she wore her ribbed burgundy sweater dress (hot!) for nothing, she talks Ronnie into taking her to the dance, presumably so he'll swing the votes for Queen in her favour and with Bruce being a shoe-in for King, they'll totally hook up for lots of fun sexytimes. PROBLEM. SOLVED.

At school on Monday morning, Jessica tells Elizabeth that she'll talk to Enid in an effort to fix their friendship. Of course, seeing as Jessica is FUCKING INSANE, all she does is pretty much tell Enid that it WAS Elizabeth who ratted her out to Ronnie and then proceeds to twist the knife by telling her that Ronnie's being going around calling her a dirty whore since the breakup. Later that day, after hearing them on the phone, Elizabeth asks Jessica why she's going to the dance with Ronnie, so she passes it off as an attempt to get him back together with Enid. Oh, and this exchange all takes place while Elizabeth is doing her homework, which happens to be a paper on Julius Caesar. HEAVY HANDED METAPHOR ALERT, BITCHES.

The day of the big dance, the twins are instructed to clean their rooms and while doing so, Elizabeth discovers George's letter to Enid. Using her mad Jessica Fletcher skillz, she finally deducts that it was her unhinged sister that told Ronnie about George. Of course, instead of confronting her like a normal person, Elizabeth begins to plot her revenge. Seeing as the last book established her unique brand of crap vengeance, she's probably just planning to hide Jessica's hairbrush or something.

In the meantime, newly-single Enid has decided to stop feeling sorry for herself and go to the dance even though she no longer has a date. While she's getting ready, the doorbell rings and who should appear, only George all dressed up in a fancy blazer and slacks. He heard she was now single and conveniently, he's now a great big ride and is taking her to the dance so they shift the faces off each other. While her Mam is still there from what I can gather. Anyway, yay Enid!

At the dance, Enid apologises to Elizabeth and they make up. Elizabeth then spreads a rumour that Jessica is hot for nerdball Winston Egbert, the other nominee for Fall Dance King, so Jessica gets crowned Queen and to her horror, Winston is announced as King, and not Bruce like she expected. That's it. Elizabeth strikes again. Retaliation is definitely not her strong point. Oh and Miss Dalton turns up at the dance, has a bop with fellow hot teacher Mr. Collins and everyone just gets on with their lives with no need for an investigation into the salacious and potentially career-destroying rumour that was buzzing around. Yay sexy Miss Dalton!

Notable outfit:
"Tonight she was decked out in tight black velvet jeans, a pair of sparkly pink leg warmers and a purple satin blouse." 

Dana Larson, you glorious glam rock creature. NEVER CHANGE.

Special mention must go to Jessica and the trashiest swimsuit of all time, though:

"She wished she was at the beach instead, soaking up the rays in the bronze, wet-look, one piece she'd bought the week before at Foxy Mama."

A wet-look swimsuit. Jessica, you total GENIUS.

Things I counted:
Number of pages: 176
References to the twins' blue-green eyes: 4
References to the fact that the twins are blonde: 6
Eye colour mentions in general: 18
Mentions of the word "tears": 25

Sweet Valley Haul

Due to my current massive Sweet Valley High obsession and the discovery that almost every Dublin library copy of anything to do with The Glorious Wakefields was either worn out at some point in the nineties or checked out and NEVER RETURNED (shame on you, Dublin pre-teens from the nineties) I've taken to scouring charity shops for second hand Sweet Valley wonderfulness. I've actually been surprisingly lucky so far.


After two trips around various charity shops, I managed to snag the above books. Elizabeth's Secret Diary, which surely promises all manner of illicit thoughts but is most likely concerned with Elizabeth simpering over Todd. The Chateau d'Amour Collection, which is a three-books-in-one affair detailing Liz and Jessica's adventures as au pairs in the south of France for A ROYAL FAMILY. How ridiculously marvellous! There's also Big For Christmas, a rather battered Special Edition Sweet Valley Twins book which I almost didn't get, but decided to make an exception when I realised that the plot is actually that of Big or 13 Going On 30, starring the Wakefields. Seriously, it's about them wishing they were older and then waking up one Christmas morning to find that THEY'VE MAGICALLY GROWN UP. Francine, you are just the gift that keeps on giving, girlfriend. The recaps for these are going to be SO MUCH FUN.

As if I hadn't already struck it lucky with the above gems, I also happened upon a copy of Sweet Valley Confidential, the book that came out last year, set ten years after the old series.


But it wasn't just any copy. Oh no, my pretties, it was much more exciting than that. (For me anyway.) You see this was a proof copy and wasn't technically supposed to be sold at all. The cover is light blue with purple text, whereas the completed and actually for sale version has a pink cover with red text, or the totally different red cover, like these ones:


So the copy I currently own is SUPER COOL AND RARE and doesn't even have a dedication in place yet. I haven't read it yet, as I intend to do a bit more catching up on the SVH series and will save it until I run out of old books to read and review. It's going to be AMAZING.

Hey Girl

After completely forgetting to watch New Girl when it started on Channel 4 a few weeks ago, the Bear and I acquired all the episodes so far and happily ate them them all up over the course of a few evenings. It's no Community, but it's fun and cute and endearing, much like Jess, the new girl in question, played by indie hipster dreamgirl Zooey Deschanel.


Admittedly you have to get past the fact that everyone seems happy to pretend that Jess isn't actually ridiculously beautiful, but once you do, it's quite an enjoyable show. Although Schmidt gets most of the best lines and his bizarre, celebratory habit of rolling around on the floor and randomly jumping off things while shouting "Parkour!" totally cracks me up.


Another aspect that I like is the predictably gorgeous, liberally striped, polka-dotted and fun wardrobe that Jess has. I want everything she wears. And her magnificent hair too, please. I also totally dig the fact that she practically lives in flat shoes, as I own all of two pairs of (relatively low) heels and and for the most part, couldn't be fucked with the hassle of wearing them.


While I was doing a search for New Girl, a Sweet Valley Twins book called The New Girl kept popping up. Given my current Sweet Valley obsession, I immediately decided that I had to make this happen:

It's Not Easy Being Green

A recent article on Jezebel drew a comparison between Nicki Minaj's bizarre blue-skinned photoshoot for Vogue and the afterlife receptionist from Beetlejuice. I admit, I squeaked a little bit when I saw it first, for I have long harboured a love for that undead Miss Argentina and I think the picture of Nicki is brilliant, if completely bonkers.


I've posted about the beautiful turquoise Beetlejuice character here before, but I felt she merited a post all of her own, because I LOVE HER.


Hers was only a small role in the film, but for a character with a tiny amount of screen time, she makes a huge impression. She's just so MYSTERIOUS. Why is she bright turquoise? It's not a corpsey colour, it's too vibrant and lovely. There's another blue-tinged character in the afterlife waiting room - another favourite of mine - the showgirl who's been sawn in two. She's a lighter and slightly more corpsey colour (I'm determined to make corpsey a real word now) and has a great look of her own, but still doesn't come close to Miss Argentina in terms of general amazingness.


I love every bit of this character, the costume, the dark sense of humour, the bright red hair, the sparkley sixties sci-fi cape - OH MY GOD, I've just realised! SHE'S THE DESCENDANT OF AN ORION SLAVE GIRL!


I've cracked it! This explains the skin colour and the sci-fi outfit and the beehive! You guys, I'm a GENIUS! I talked about Orion slave girls in this Star Trek post and never made the connection until right this second. I am so delighted with myself right now, I just did a little dance in my chair.


ANYWAY. Now that I've solved that mystery completely by accident, the actual point of this post was to declare that THIS is going to be the year that I'm officially committing to the challenge of dressing up like her for Halloween. Now that I've said it here I have to do it. And now that I've gone and figured out her heritage, well, it'd be rude not to.

They Whip Their Hair

While I was jogging my memory for the recent She Ra post and perusing the lists of Adora's friends and foes, I came upon Entrapta. Another example of the She Ra creators' complete lack of imagination when it came to naming characters (Castaspella surely being the worst offender), her speciality was designing complex traps. However, Entrapta also has a special ability to mentally control her giant hair.


It's just as well really, there's so much of it that under normal circumstances the sheer weight of it would surely cause her to tip over.

There she is now, using her super-hair to pull levers that are RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER. Lazy cow.

As weird a superpower as prehensile hair is, the more I thought about it, the more I realised it's actually a recurring thing in loads of stuff. A trope, if you will. Reading about Entrapta's abilities reminded me of the character of Sindel from Mortal Kombat 3, who I LOVED when I was an eleven year old.

This is Sindel as I remember her. Pixellated and fearsome, with cat's eye flicks that out-Winehouse Winehouse.

She wore purple, which was already a bonus to me, but she was also a female character that looked completely different to the other lady denizens of Mortal Kombat. Kitana, Mileena and Jade were all essentially the same character, apart from the colours they wore, and Sonya Blade was boring (she wasn't even a ninja or anything - just go home, Sonya).


Sindel's special powers included levitation, a sonic banshee-type scream and BADASS KILLER HAIR. She could whip her hair around her opponent and slam them over to the other side of the screen, because you DO NOT fuck with the Queen of Edenia. Funnily enough, the day I decided to write this post and told the Bear about my idea, what was on telly that night? Only flipping Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, the film which features QUEEN BLOODY SINDEL. Which is great fun to watch. And by great fun, I obviously mean terrible.

The film version of Sindel and a recent videogame incarnation of her. She must have discovered bikini waxing in the meantime. Actually, and not to be gross, but I wonder if her ladygarden is prehensile too? How WEIRD would that be?

There's another scary-haired lady that I'm a fan of and that's Sedusa from the excellent cartoon The Powerpuff Girls. Sedusa is a mistress of disguise and generally scheming villain dedicated to making life difficult for the people of Townsville, USA. 


She also uses the best name ever while in disguise as a kindly sort in a Jackie O style suit. Ima Goodlady. Totally amazing.


It seems there's something of a pattern when it comes to prehensile hair, in that it's a decidedly villainous trait, reserved for the bad girls of the cartoon and videogame world. They're all quite sexy ladies too, even though Sindel has the look of a woman who eats souls for breakfast. None of these ladies seem like the type to rescue your cat from a tree with their tresses and would be far more likely to pick the cat up and fling it into your face for the hell of it. But they'd look SUPER COOL doing it.

(Speaking of things that aren't real, I recently wrote a guest post for the brilliant Beaut.ie, about things that I wish WERE real. I'm jealous of Hermione Granger and the secretary from Total Recall and you can read all about it HERE!)

Quelque Chose #17

Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson were the soundtrack to my childhood, thanks to my parents and their musical tastes. Dad was always a huge Whitney fan. Mam loved Jacko, she even got to see him live twice. Twice! My brother and I never quite forgave her for telling us she was at a Civil Defence meeting when she was actually going to the Dublin date of the Dangerous World Tour in 1992 without us. Such betrayal!

Anyway, the cover of Whitney's eponymous debut album is one of my strongest memories from rifling through my Dad's vinyl collection. I loved looking at the picture of her on it, all regal and gorgeous in her peach dress with her hair slicked back.

Poor Whitney. R.I.P.

Sweet Valley High Revisited - Double Love

Just to keep things confusing, the second part of my Sweet Valley High Revisited series deals with the first book. Like I said before, I'm doing this as I get the books, so the order isn't going to make any sense at all, m'kay? Let's do this!

Sweet Valley High #1: Double Love


The story begins with Jessica Wakefield whinging into the mirror about how fat and disgusting she is. But FEAR NOT fellow mortals, for we are immediately reassured that Jessica is in fact preternaturally beautiful. This being the first book of the entire series, the descriptions of the soon-to-be-legendary Wakefield hotness are particularly heavy handed. For example, we are informed that Jessica's reflection is actually that of "the most adorable, most dazzling sixteen-year-old girl imaginable". Those are the actual words used. She's just SO RELATABLE. When all her moaning causes her twin sister Elizabeth to doubt her looks, a glance in the mirror quickly sets everything to rights again. "If Jessica were such a hopeless case, she might be in trouble, too. But the image she saw reflected in the mirror was hardly cause for alarm." PHEW. Bullet. Dodged.

Anyway, the school's superhot basketball star Todd Wilkins rings the house looking for Elizabeth. But Jessica answers the phone and immediately proceeds to cockblock the fuck out of Liz by lying about her being in the shower so she can't come to the phone and gloats to Liz afterwards that Todd wanted to wish her luck with getting into some sorority that day. Now, I thought that sororities were a college thing in the States, but then again, Sweet Valley doesn't exactly adhere to reality at the best of times. So Elizabeth gets all quietly upset because she fancies Todd but now she thinks Todd likes Jessica and not her. "And why not? What girl could possibly compete with the dazzling Jessica Wakefield?" Hmm, well let's see...HER IDENTICAL TWIN, PERHAPS? Elizabeth is already being an infuriating pushover and it's only page eleven.

Look! It's the EXQUISITE LAVALIERE NECKLACES! They're just boring gold pendants. What a non-event. Also, note that Jessica is quite clearly the slutty, wayward twin with her edgy stonewashed denim jacket, while Elizabeth is being all sensible and sincere in her wooly jumper. Jumpers = Sincerity

The twins go about their day at school and Todd arranges to meet (not meet meet, just actually meet) Elizabeth that evening after class. However, Elizabeth is running late and by the time she gets there, she sees Todd getting into the car with Jessica. So instead of being furious with Jessica for abandoning her, leaving her to walk home and OBVIOUSLY hijacking her hook-up with Todd, her heart sinks and she gets all emo about it, instead of strapping on a pair, telling Jessica to cop the fuck on and asking Todd why he bailed on her. The next day at school, the place is abuzz with the news that Jessica and Todd are Sweet Valley's hottest new couple, causing Elizabeth to cry like, ALL THE TIME and mope about how she won't stand in their way and "do the decent thing. Die." Oh my GOD, Liz. Meanwhile, Jessica repeatedly hints to Todd with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer that she wants him to take her to the upcoming dance, but Todd keeps asking if Elizabeth has a date. To deter him from her sister, Jessica makes her out to be a cock hungry skank, saying she's always rushing off to meet guys and she can't keep up with her trampy schedule. When he still doesn't get the hint and ask her to the dance, Jessica storms off home and decides to walk there, swinging her hips so creepy guys will pay her attention from their cars and she'll feel validated. Insert facepalm.

Enter Rick Andover. He's cool and dangerous, he dropped out of school and has an eagle tattoo, so you KNOW he's bad news. She gets into his car after this dynamite chat up line: "Pardon me, Heaven - which way to Mars?” Be still my beating knickers! Nothing gets a girl going like astrally inclined direction requests. Am I right, ladies? He drives her home, saying that he makes a habit of "knowing where all the foxiest chicks in Sweet Valley live". Which doesn't at all sound like something a sex offender might say. The next night he takes her out to a scuzzy roadhouse bar called Kelly's, gets shitfaced after ONE shot of whiskey and starts a bar fight. The cops show up and an officer takes Jessica home, but mistakes her for Elizabeth. I sense a classic mix-up here, folks.

The school gossip overhears the cop calling her Elizabeth when she gets out of the car, so the big scandal in school the next day is that Elizabeth Wakefield was arrested for starting a riot at Kelly's. Rather than seeing that it might make her kind of a badass, the school's population act like she murdered someone and unquestioningly buy that it was the boring, sensible sister that did it, rather than her CARBON COPY who is always pulling shit like this. Elizabeth confronts Jessica who then does precisely fuck all to dispel the rumour, while Elizabeth just bends over and takes it, even hugs her all tearful later, telling her how wonderful she is. Are you KIDDING ME Elizabeth? These girls are MESSED. UP.

Meanwhile, the twins think their lawyer father is screwing his work colleague, Marianne, who they keep referring to as a "divorcée", because you just know that being a "divorcée" makes her a no-good, sex-crazed, Ned-stealing homewrecker. Also, the Patman and Fowler dynasties are scrapping over the school's football field because the school is run by incompetent halfwits who allowed the lease to run out and now both families want to buy the land and build a decorative garden or a factory on it, respectively.

Anyway, while everyone at school is giving Elizabeth a hard time and banging on about how "unforgivable" the whole thing was (Sweet Valley High students are a big self-righteous pint of no craic), Jessica eventually starts to show some signs of a guilty conscience, rather than acting like a remorseless sociopath, and breaks down in front of Todd, telling him it was her that went to Kelly's with Rick. Todd thinks she's being noble and taking the blame for Elizabeth, so he proceeds to shift the face off her and ask her to the dance. Also, he's an idiot. After hearing about Jessica and Todd scoring each other in the middle of the school, Elizabeth cries a bit more and agrees to go to the dance with resident class clown, Winston Egbert. Who, by the way, sounds terrifying in this book. When they decide on a time for him to pick her up, he "turned and raced madly across campus, screaming like a deranged chimpanzee." I'm sorry, WHAT? Does that sound like normal behaviour to anyone else? Yeah. DIDN'T THINK SO.

So on the night of the dance, Todd keeps eyeing up Elizabeth, which winds Jessica up no end. When he takes her home and pecks her on the cheek, she decides that he's humiliated her beyond reason and tells Elizabeth that he tried "just about everything" and that she had to beg him to stop groping her. Guys, Jessica is an actual psychopath. Her boyfriend-stealing attempt doesn't pay off so instead of dealing with it and getting on with her ridiculously charmed life, she cries rape. She's just the WORST kind of person.

Back in school, Todd tries to talk to Liz and tells her that he forgives her for going out with Rick. FORGIVES HER! Who the HELL does he think he is? Asshat. Anyway, Elizabeth keeps ignoring him because she thinks he assaulted Jessica, so suck on that, Toddface.

In subplot-land, the fight over the football field goes to court, with the twins' father representing the school or whatever, along with sexy divorced Marianna. The school wins the case so they get to keep their football field. Yay! Ned announces at dinner that night that Marianna is being made a partner in the law firm, which explains that all the time he's been spending with her was work-related and not sexy divorcée sex after all. Yay! Case closed.

A few days later, Elizabeth and Jessica are driving home from Dairi Burger (what kind of a name is that though? A dairy burger sounds weird. Like a burger of yoghurt. Or cheese. Cheese. Maybe they're on to something, actually) and they notice a car following them. When they stop at a light, they realise it's Rick, who somehow manages to jump into the car and start driving it, because the Wakefields have never heard of door locks. He's drunk and tries to drive them to Kelly's, careening through the Dairi Burger (someone bring me some CHEESE) car park on the way, where Todd happens to be and he sees that the twins are terrified. He drives after Rick and beats the shit out of him outside Kelly's. Elizabeth, who at this point, remember, still thinks Todd tried to rape her sister, is all "whatevs, that was totally hot, Todd" and lobs the gob. Back at the Wakefield house (it's split-level, you know) Todd and Elizabeth work out through brilliant reasoning that Jessica has been lying her ass off to the pair of them, Elizabeth is not actually a dirty whore and Todd did not actually get all grabby with Jess.

Elizabeth then concocts a tremendous revenge scheme against Jessica, where she basically tricks the school into throwing Jessica into the swimming pool fully clothed. That's it. That's her big payback for her psychotic sister who tried to take her boyfriend for herself, lied about him trying to rape her, let the entire school think Elizabeth was a hobag and generally acted like a spoiled, selfish brat the entire time. Yeah, wet hair TOTALLY evens everything out. Elizabeth would be the worst vigilante ever. Murdered someone, eh? Well how do you like it when your ICE TRAYS ARE EMPTY!

Ugh. They both suck.

Notable outfit:
“This sounds like a job for my new tuxedo shirt,” Elizabeth offered. “Could I wear the pants, too?...And the little bow tie?”

*dies laughing*

Things I counted:
Number of pages: 159
References to the twins' blue-green eyes: 8
References to the fact that the twins are blonde: 8
References to Elizabeth's tears/the fact that she's crying: 19
Amount of times people blush:15