Tea and Twilight

There are certain truths of which I am completely convinced.

For example:

There is something inherently creepy about ice cream vans. Before anyone says it, it's got nothing to do with the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, they're just bloody creepy.

Tea in a transparent receptacle looks all kinds of wrong. I only want to see the top circle of tea that's visible when it's in a proper mug. Or bucket. Whatever. Just don't show me the sides, m'kay? Observe:

And most importantly, whoever decided to show ads from telly in the CINEMA, before and at this stage, practically instead of trailers has surely sold their soul to the devil and has a spikey uncomfortable armchair reserved for them in some inner circle of Hell.

It was this particular thought that was occupying my mind while at the cinema with the Bear waiting for Iron Man 2 to start (which is brilliant by the way, what with the giant fighting robots, Robert Downey Ridebag, and Scarleh in a leather catsuit. She'll fuel many a wank worldwide after that). Whilst quietly muttering about how we'll get to see feck all trailers now with all these infernal ads, a certain preview appeared onscreen that actually made me wish there was another ad for a plastic surgery clinic on instead.

The trailer in question was for the latest Twilight shite-fest, Eclipse or Moon or whatever the Jaysus it's called, I can't remember because I was too busy plotting to set fire to Stephenie Meyer for inflicting her ridiculous series on the world. The Stylebitches hit the nail on the head when they captioned this photo of Kristen Stewart with "Looking like she’d BATE the head offa ya."


State of it like. Back when the first Twilight film came out, the Bear and I watched the first 20 minutes of it and switched it off, declaring it utter shite. We actually showed those first 20 minutes to his then-housemate, just so she could see how laughably awful it was. She agreed. We then made the fatal error of showing it to Lili, who FOR SOME REASON liked it and we ended up having to watch the entire unholy mess. I actually can't remember a single thing about it, as I must have mentally erased the whole sorry affair from memory instantaneously. Anyway, all of this brings me to The Oatmeal. My new favourite website, as it perfectly encapsulates my feelings about this particular heap of tits in the fantastic How Twilight Works.


On a completely unrelated note, they also have brilliant bit entitled How Everything Goes To Hell During A Zombie Apocalypse. Which I came across on the very day that I joined a Facebook page called "I've seriously thought about what to do if there was a Zombie Apocalypse".

I'm off to stockpile canned food and hatchets, just in case.

Effin Eddie

For more of Eddie put effin eddie into you tube and all his video will pop up he's absolutely genuine.

Hey Roomie!

Check out the steely alien gaze of Tommy Wiseau (middle). There can be only one.

I've previously blogged about the cinematic wonder that is The Room over on Culch.ie and attended a SoundCheck screening back in March. I also happened to mention a screening that would take place in May which one of the cast members, Greg Sestero (Mark), would be at. That fortuitous and magical evening has been and gone and last Thursday night was one of the most surreal and hilarious experiences I've had in quite a long time. For the uninitiated, The Room is the demented masterpiece of Tommy Wiseau, the actor/director/producer/writer of this film, he's something like the polar opposite of Orson Welles, with The Room often referred to as "the Citizen Kane of bad movies". That should have been bad in capital letters, actually. And that wouldn't even begin to cover how terrible it is. Here's the trailer, just to give you a feel for the glorious mess that it is.



ANYWAY.

With myself and the Bear that night, among lovely others were two thirds of The Dead Flags, EleventyFour (who got recognised on the night as "that girl from the TV licence ad"), and B (to whom we are eternally grateful for introducing us to The Room). Now, Eleventy and one of the Flags had never seen the film before and honestly, it was JUST as entertaining to watch their expressions of horror and bewilderment as it was to watch the screen.

The thing with these screenings is that there's a lot of audience participation, much like Rocky Horror. One of the biggest things, along with roaring general abuse at the characters, is to shout 'SPOOONS!" and fire plastic spoons at the screen whenever the weird framed pictures of, you guessed it, spoons, dotted around the apartment set come into view. This was the scene after the movie was finished:

Spoons ahoy!

Carnage o'clock. After the screening and before the Q&A with the actually-great-craic Greg Sestero, there was a competition for a signed tshirt, where contestants has to roar the famous(ish) "YOU'RE TEARING ME APART LISA!" line, which can be seen in the trailer. At the time of calling for contestants, I found myself herded onstage by B and the Bear and had to get the biggest cheer from the crowd. And guess what? I only went and fecking well won. GO ME.

During the Q&A, Greg came off as an absolute legend, well able to take the piss out of himself and the film, which was good seeing as many questions were along the lines of :"what were you thinking?". So seeing as my obsession with The Room shows no signs of abating, I went and got my photo with him.

YEAH.

So, to summarise:

GO SEE THE ROOM AT SOUNDCHECK BECAUSE IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE. They screen it once a month so get thineself over to their Facebook page to check when it's on again. Because words cannot describe.

Charlie Who?

On the absolute offchance that Charlie Brooker Googles his name so exhaustively that he was to come across this particular mention of him on le Interweb, allow me to say:

I WANT TO RUN AWAY WITH YOU, PLEASE.

I wonder if adding Charlie Brooker, Charlie Brooker, Charlie Brooker, Charlie Brooker to this post will shunt it slightly higher up the search results. I will await an email wherein he expresses his agreement to this offer from Random Girl Blogger on the Internet. Your move, Charlton.

Come on Brooker, let's not fight this any more.

The Bear recently bought me the Charlie collection of Dead Set on DVD, Dawn of the Dumb and The Hell Of It All because he's deadly like that. (He also drunkenly stole a poster from Whelan's for a Talulah Does The Hula gig because he thought I might like it. Aw. I do, as it happens.) Needless to say, all this has only added to my enthusiasm for the grouchy telly critic. I've been enjoying his C4 show You Have Been Watching, although I tend to find myself wishing it was actually Screenwipe or Newswipe and that he could just spend the entire show being cross about idiots on TV and not be held back by the superflous quiz format.

Other things I've been liking include the new series of Doctor Who. I'm quite excited about tonight's episode with the frankly terrifying Weeping Angels, seeing as the crafty bastards left it To Be Continued last week. I've also been entertained by the Internet rantings of Very Serious Fans who were appalled at the sexy new Daleks. I quite like the Dell laptop makeover they've received.

I'll take a purple one, if you don't mind.

***

EDIT: Don't worry Bear, I won't really run away with Charlie Brooker. Probably.

Quwadelubeh

Things I've learned this weekend: only go to Rody's when there's a match on the day after and when very drunk! | Vodka and lime is nice if a bit too sweet therefore a double vodka and lime is called for | New words always come from someone saying one thing and someone else hearing another, ie Quwadelubeh! it's the happy high you get from a feed of beer from the night before, well it is now anyway! | Sunny weather does not always necessarily mean warm weather. | Michael Jackson looks good as a chiwawa, just have a look at the new card stand in A|wear on Grafton Street and I defy you not to laugh!

Also if anyone happens to watching "Republic of Telly" tonight I might be seen some where in the audience. A last minute change of plans and BOOM I'm finally in the door of RTE. It's a goodun tonight (not just because I'm there) but also for what Jennifer Maguire says to Michael O'Leary!

Bring it!

************************************

I ran eight miles this morning!

Outstanding

Sue Sylvester is the best thing in Glee. FACT. Emily Cross posted a great video that plays Sue's version of Vogue alongside Madonna's and it is frame for frame with added amazingness because it's Sue Goddamn Sylvester. Her lines in the show are undoubtedly the absolute best. You do not mess with Sue because she will run you the fuck over, bitch.

Sue: Iron tablet? Keeps your strength up while you're menstruating.
Will: I don't menstruate.
Sue: Yeah? Neither do I.

I've never wanted kids... don't have the time, don't have the uterus.

Oh, hey William. I thought I smelled cookies wafting from the ovens from the little elves who live in your hair.

You sunk my battleship, Rod. And you sunk it hard.

I empower my Cheerios to live in fear by creating an environment of irrational, random terror.

You're right, Will. I have been trying to destroy your club with a conviction I can only call "religious."

I'll often yell at homeless people: 'Hey, how is that homelessness working out for you? Try not being homeless for once.'

Will: Hold on a second, Sue.
Sue: I resent being told to hold on to anything.

Ya Wanna Be On Top?

Like a lot of girls, I seem to be programmed to love makeovers. I can't help it. The makeover episode of America's Next Top Model is universally regarded as THE BEST ONE in every series.

Look at these foolish models cry because they have short hair now! The shallow idiots!

But the best kind of makeover, I reckon, is the really fast one. This may be the reason that I secretly kind of like (I say secretly but that's actually a total lie) Snog Marry Avoid? For the fact that there's minimum feck-acting about, there's just a bit of banter between the freakishly orange, nearly naked lady and the fake robot (I wonder if that's how they pitched the idea) and then bzzz-ping! Done and done, hey look at her lovely bobbed haircut and floaty gúna! Great.

As such, my favourite movie makeover, hands down (or in this case, where I can see them) is Jamie Lee Curtis in True Lies. When Jamie is fooled into thinking she has to act like a fancy prostitute by Arnie (GET TO DA CHOPPER!) she undergoes a deadly transformation in the hotel hallway.

Rippin some bits off the dress...collar and frilly bit on the end begone...

Makeup, makeup...bit of water...splishy splashy

Fix your boobs...strike a pose...ta daaa! Fancy hooker a go go!

Of course then there's the scene that follows. Apparently it's been voted the Number 1 movie striptease ever or something. So now. Consider yourselves informed.

***

Also, we're now on Facebook! Come be friends with us! There's cake!*


*There's no cake. I'm sorry. I lied.

Mr. Takagi...won't be joining us for the rest of his life

Alan Rickman has officially got The Most Amazing Voice Of All Time. It's the sound of chocolate talking. It's knicker-droppingly sexy. As much as I love him as Colonel Brandon in Sense and Sensibilty, we all know it's the villians that he's so fantasticly good at. Allow me to draw your collective attention to the brilliantly hilarious and concise The Many Faces Of Alan Rickman.

Inspired.

Ducktails Best Theme Choon Ever

in German

Grinds My Gears

Some things that have been annoying me lately:

The new Magnum Gold ad. Mostly due to the fact that they're insisting on calling it Magnum Gold?! Which has to be the worst pairing of exclamation and question marks I've ever had the misfortune of seeing. What's the story like, are they not quite sure if it's actually a Magnum Gold, but at the same time they're excited about it? It's awful, unnecessary and makes me die a little inside whenever I see it.


Also, why in the name of all that is chocolatey is Benicio del Toro fronting this ridiculous ad campaign? The telly ad is confusing, since it looks like Angelina Jolie is in it too but it turns out to be just some bird that sort of looks like her. Just get off my telly.

Facebook groups that don't let you see what the OMG YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS LOL etc point of them is until you "Become a fan". Just tell me what it is or fuck the fuck off. (Saying this, I have increasingly been coming across many groups that describe my life in ridiculous detail, such as Trying To Sound Awake On The Phone While Still In Bed At A Ridiculous Time, Realising how drunk you are when alone in the toilet, I don't remember getting this bruise.. and The Mini Spaz Attack When You're In Bed, Half Asleep And Imagine You're Falling.)

Kick Ass. Are the Bear and I the ONLY people in the world who thought it was rubbish? It probably didn't help that we had seen Aaron Johnson interviewed on Jonathan Ross beforehand, where he came across as the most unlikeable pint of no craic the whole time he was on. So as soon as he came on screen we each just thought "here's this sulky fucker again." It's overhyped and not very good at all.

CJ off Eggheads. Because he's a smug cunt.

Ah. That's better.


***

Also, I've been less cross and altogether more excited while talking about The Dead Flags over on Culch.ie of late. Sure why not have a look?

Guess Where?

Ray Foley has these up on his blog. They are in Ireland! mad stuff

Fighting On The Planet's Side

Dear God I'm much too hungover today to blog coherently. Also I somehow managed to bruise the palm of my hand. How does that even happen? A lot of fun was had last night though in celebration of Mazatron's birthday, what with the smuggling of Jameson into the pub (because it transpires that I'm actually a total knacker), trying to show T Cup how to Time Warp and conversations about how rubbish the "heart" power was in Captain Planet. Although the Bear later reminded me that there was an episode where they combined their powers without that irritating heart kid for some reason and as a result Captain Planet came out all mean and uncaring. So I suppose they did need him really. Anyway, hangover aside I will pull myself together just enough to say how much I love this ad for MAC's Viva Glam campaign with Cyndi Lauper and Lady Gaga. Of course, that's mostly due to the fact that it looks like it was shot in a cartoon bordello.

Gaga looks gorgeous altogether and Lady Lauper seems to be just the right side of Photoshopped-ta-Jaysus in that she's more or less recognisable at least. Hot stuff.

So just because it's amazing, here's the opening and closing credits to Captain Planet. Unfortunately it turns out that it's impossible to find a version of the frankly FANTASTIC closing song that doesn't have some announcer fucknut talking over it. Nonetheless, I dare you to try NOT to sing along. It just can't be done.