Sweet Valley High Revisited - Super Edition: Perfect Summer

Right, it's Super Edition time you guys, because this one appears to have been the next book published, although it seems that number 22 in the series picks up where Runaway left off, so this is a standalone story that sorta jumps out of the established timeline. Just go with it.

(Also, please throw my new Facebook page an aul like, as I've managed to go and lose all my previous likes by getting kicked out of the account and page I had been using. Sigh. So that's where you'll find me on Facebook from now on.)

Sweet Valley High Super Edition: Perfect Summer
 

It's summertime and the Wakefields are going on a month-long bike trip along the California coast with Todd, Annie, Lila, Olivia, Roger, Bruce, Bruce's friend Charlie who we've never heard of before and Barry Cooper, the principal's nephew from Ohio. Chaperoning this trip are sexy Roger Collins and also-sexy Nora Dalton, teachers who have split up recently and are apparently willing to give up a month of their summer holidays to cycle around with their ex and the students they see every day. Yup. Sounds like literally none of the teachers I know. And I know a LOT of teachers. My extended family is like 80% nurses and teachers. Why yes, I *am* a culchie, however did you guess?

So, everyone arrives at the school with their bikes and all their gear, and when Chrome Dome Cooper pulls up in his car, everyone is excited to see what his nephew looks like. It's Sweet Valley, so everyone expects him to be a Grade A Ohio ridebag and nothing less, as only beautiful people are allowed into this town, but UH OH. Looks like border patrol were caught napping, because poor ol' Barry is a bit of a chubster.

All eyes were on the pudgy, pale-faced boy who waddled out.

Pudgy. Pale. Waddled. WADDLED, like. HE JUST GOT HERE, LAY OFF.

Elizabeth felt a sinking sensation in the pit of her stomach. She suspected that Mr. Cooper's roly-poly nephew had come all the way from Ohio for a whopping big dose of trouble.

Roly-poly! Fuck you, Liz! Immediately before this, Jessica refers to him as a toad and Lila calls him a loser. All of these insults get tossed at Barry in ONE PAGE. It's basically pre-diet Robin Wilson all over again.

The gang sets off on their bike trek and go camping, taking turns to cook dinner, light the campfire, cycle with the group equipment and so on. Elizabeth writes letters to Enid that get us up to speed on what everyone's deal is, such as the fact that Annie Whitman and Ricky Capaldo broke up recently and Charlie seems to fancy Annie, Bruce being mean to his cousin Roger, because Roger's a Patman now, Mr. Collins and Ms. Dalton being frosty to one another and Barry being a hopeless misfit, slow at cycling and incapable of doing anything right.

Barry Cooper had just emerged from the tent he had shared with Mr. Collins (the fuck, Roger?) and was trying, without much luck, to stuff his sleeping bag - as bulky and inappropriate for camping as Barry himself was - into a sack made for a much sleeker kind of sleeping bag.

AS BULKY AND INAPPROPRIATE FOR CAMPING AS BARRY HIMSELF WAS.

Apparently only skinny people are good at camping. How DARE he sleep in a tent, and he a fat kid. CAMPING IS FORBIDDEN FOR FAT PEOPLE. WAKE UP BARRY.

After a few days of cycling and camping, the group arrive in Los Angeles, where a friend of Bruce Patman's dad, Steve Thomas, has offered the group the use of the grounds attached to his fancy mansion. So instead of putting them up in what is clearly a massive fucking house, the kids and teachers have to camp in his garden. Thanks for nothing, Steve. Mr. Thomas has a beautiful but obnoxious daughter named Courtney, who's rude to everyone, including her dad, and has a no-good, motorbike-riding, mowhawk-sporting boyfriend called Nolan, who wears leather wristbands and is quite clearly Bad News. Nolan turns up when Courtney is supposed to be showing the Sweet Valley group around, so she calls the SV kids a bunch of goody-goodys and takes off on the back of Nolan's bike.

Mr. Thomas later confides in Roger Collins and Nora Dalton (who he's literally just met) that Courtney is a bratty pain in the hoop and asks if they could take her with them on the rest of their expedition, as it might do her some good to be away from LA and around some wholesome team players who don't wear leather. For some reason, they agree to take his nightmare daughter with them and the next day Courtney is suddenly all sweetness and light and fresh blueberry muffins. Everyone is amazed at her transformation, but Jessica isn't fooled, as she's still annoyed, nay, OUTRAGED at being referred to as goody-goody.

"Nobody calls me a goody goody and gets away with it." You tell 'em, Jess. How VERY dare she.

Courtney charms the whole group, but Elizabeth isn't entirely convinced by her sudden personality change either and is none too happy that she seems to be sidling up to Todd quite so much. The group leave LA with their new member, and Jessica and Lila pretty much immediately begin to scheme and plan for a way to get Courtney off the trip. Neither of them are buying Courtney's act and Jessica can see that Courtney's play for Todd is making Liz miserable. Todd, however, is totally oblivious and is just being friendly as far as he's concerned.

The group arrive at a youth hostel, and Jessica spots a guy "too gorgeous for words", so naturally, she must have him. She later finds out from other kids staying at the hostel that his name is Robbie October (!!!) and he's cycling along the coast with his brother Danny. But, the other kid warns, they're "totally wild" and were kicked out of the first hostel they stayed in for throwing beer bottles out the window. Rock 'n roll, Robbie!

Meanwhile, Courtney is writing a letter to Nolan, outlining her fiendish plans to steal Todd away from Elizabeth, as having a good boy like Todd by her side will somehow lead to her being allowed to come home early from the bike trip. She's going to make up a bunch of stories about a troubled home life and is pretty much seconds away from an evil cackle the whole way through the letter, as she is a Bad Gal.

It turns out that Jessica and Lila's dastardly plan to get Courtney to leave the trip involved secretly putting lime jelly in the bottom of her sleeping bag to gross her out. However, Lila got the sleeping bags mixed up and put the jelly in Nora Dalton's one by mistake. Jessica thinks she did it on purpose, because Nora has gone back to dating Lila's dad and Lila is none too happy about it.

Jessica writes a letter to Cara Walker, bitching about Courtney and I'm really only mentioning it because of this line in it:

What's absolutely incredible is that all she has to do is toss her mane of hair and smile, and everyone buys her act. Especially boys.

Which is hilarious, because that's BASICALLY YOU, JESSICA. It's so funny how any other girls that come into these books and act exactly like Jessica does are cast as devious villains. I mean, flirting with someone's boyfriend is a quiet day for Jessica, but when Courtney does it she's pure evil.

Ooh also, while she's giving out about Courtney throwing herself at Todd and Todd being too dopey to see what's going on, she writes:

"Somebody ought to give both Todd and Courtney a sound spanking!"

DAMN GURL. I'm not sure that would play out quite the way she intends.

Look at Elizabeth on this cover! SO pretty! Well done, cover artist for not making her look like she's forty like they usually do. Her high-waisted shorts are super cute, but a frankly terrible idea for cycling, as they would 100% end up wedged up your hole. Jessica looks like an eejit.

Anyway, the gang are staying in another hostel and Jessica and Bruce are on dinner duty, when Lila bursts into the kitchen to talk to Jessica about their plan to get Courtney to leave the trip. Jessica leaves Bruce chopping onions, and he is decidedly not impressed.

"Next time I'm going to remember to bring my cook along when I go away," he mumbled.
Jessica sighed. "Honestly," she said when they were out of Bruce's earshot, "he's as bad in the kitchen as you are. What do you people do on the servants' night off, anyway?" 
Lila looked Jessica straight in the eye. "Cold lobster and caviar," she said earnestly.

COLD LOBSTER AND CAVIAR. Lila Fowler you magnificent bitch. I love you.

Lila wants to back out of the plan to sabotage Courtney's trip, because Courtney's stories about problems at home and her father being an alcoholic have made their way around the group and Lila doesn't want to pick on her anymore. They have a bit of an argument because Jessica doesn't believe a word of it, but their disagreement is cut short by the appearance of none other than Rock 'n Roller Robbie October. Jessica gets her game face on and runs up to him, throwing her arms around him while exclaiming "Bart! Bart Templeton!", because player gotta play. After acting all embarrassed at her "mix-up", it turns out that Robbie is off to a bar in the next town, like the bad boy rebel he is, and asks/dares her to come with him. He also acts like she's a total square for being on a group bike trip with all their "rules and chores and people looking over your shoulder all the time", but come on Robbie, cycling along the California coast with your brother isn't exactly the work of a hellraiser. Before Jessica can decide if she's going to ditch her kitchen duties, Bruce interrupts, telling her to knock off "the enchantress act" and come back to help him. Robbie leaves, Jessica is distraught that she's missed her chance with him and in a move completely inconsistent with his character, Bruce is really sweet and funny with her because she's so upset.

Lila gets chatting to two boys in the hostel (called Pat and Don, which makes them sound like a pair of fifty year old men), who recognise Ms. Dalton as Beth Curtis, a French teacher who used to work at their school in Arizona and mysteriously left town a year and a half ago. Lila finds out that Nora Dalton was married to some rich dude who killed himself when she left him and then uses her knowledge of Nora's secret identity to make her do stuff like carry the pots and pans when it's actually Lila's turn and other incongruously small-scale things, considering she's blackmailing her teacher.

For one of the stops on their trip, the gang end up setting up camp in an unused greenhouse owned by a random kindly lady in return for doing some chores in her flower shop. They all sleep in this old greenhouse for the night, which seems like a fucking outrageously terrible idea. I mean it's bad enough waking up in a tent at Electric Picnic on a vaguely sunny morning, sweating your actual face off, nevermind a GREENHOUSE in CALIFORNIA in SUMMER. YOU'LL BE COOKED ALIVE, YOU FOOLS. Anyway, this merry band of idiots are delighted with their sweatbox camp for the night.

Todd held Elizabeth close as he hummed along with the guitar Olivia had brought with her. On the other side of the old greenhouse, several of the kids sat around Olivia in a circle, singing as she strummed.

Fucking Olivia. There's always one. Also, this means that she's been cycling for this entire trip with a guitar strapped to her back, just so she can inflict Blowin' in the Wind on her mates. Which is what she's playing at this point. Goddammit Olivia.

Later that night, when everyone's asleep, Elizabeth wakes up to hear Courtney crying and notices that this LA bitch has also maneuvered her sleeping bag so she's lying on the other side of Todd. Before Elizabeth can say anything, Todd wakes up and comforts Courtney, stroking her hair before they both go back to sleep holding hands. Fuck. This. Girl. Also, extremely uncool Todd. Come on, dude.

The next day, Todd and Liz have a big row about Courtney, Todd insists that they're just friends and that Liz should be more sensitive towards Courtney, what with all her alleged family problems, but Liz reckons that he crossed a line. They can't manage to agree on anything and the row escalates to the point where they break up and Liz is left alone, crying into the spaghetti sauce she's making for everyone's dinner.

Weirdly, no one seems to have noticed that golden couple Liz and Todd have broken up, and the group have moved along the coast to a state park campground in Big Sur, where Jessica manages to run into that rebel on a pedal bike, Robbie October. The fact that on this occasion she's "barely covered by a copper-coloured bikini" and expertly throws a frisbee back to Charlie Markus means that she actually gets Robbie's attention this time and they arrange to meet for a night-time hike when the Sweet Valley group are asleep so Jess can sneak away.

"I'll bet you're a night person, anyway." She arched one eyebrow suggestively.
Robbie took another careful look at her, his gaze caressing every inch of her. "You're right!" he said finally. "I am a night man."

Aaaaand now I have to leave this here. (Trust me, this is hilarious if you watch It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.)


The next morning, everyone wakes up but there's no sign of Jessica. Elizabeth eventually gets it out of Lila that Jessica had planed to meet Robbie to go see some waterfall in the middle of the night. Todd knows where the waterfall is, so Mr Collins tells him to take Elizabeth along one of the paths to it, and he'll check the other route with Charlie, Roger and Barry. (Mr. Collins gently tries to talk Barry out of coming, because he's fat and slow, you see.) Courtney says she wants to help too, so she goes with Todd and Elizabeth and proves to be totally useless, screaming at the sight of a tiny water snake and moaning that she's getting a cold because it's been raining while they've been searching. Todd thinks they should go back to the camp if Courtney's getting sick, and Liz is like "eh, no, I'm going to keep looking for my sister, obviously". It looks like Todd is going to have to choose between Elizabeth and the crafty bitch that's trying to steal him away, but just in time, the other group shows up, so Liz goes with them and frostily tells Todd to take Courtney back.

Meanwhile, Jessica and Robbie are trapped in a cave with a black bear because they got lost on the way to the waterfall and ended up in the cave when it started raining, without realising it was already occupied. The group that Liz has joined then comes across the cave and see what's happened. Charlie goes to throw a rock at the bear, like an idiot, and Barry stops him, because the bear is just trying to protect her cubs and black bears aren't usually violent, unless confronted.

Elizabeth and Mr Collins exchanged a look of total astonishment. Who would have guessed that under his insecure, butter-fingered pudgy exterior, Barry was an expert on animals?

Jesus Christ, maybe people who AREN'T terrible? Just because he's heavy doesn't mean that his only interests are cake and sandwiches, you DICKS.

Also, while they're taking this moment to get some digs in at Barry, despite the fact that he's actually being helpful and stopping Charlie from making the situation worse, let's take a look at some of the other ways this book and its characters has referred to him, since Liz's "roly poly" thought, up till now.

"tub of lard", "butterball", "jelly belly", "awkward, heavy-set boy", "big fat klutz","slow as molasses"

Real nice kids, that Sweet Valley group.

Anyway, Barry then runs at the bear and gets her to follow him while he tries to lead her away. Jessica and Robbie get a chance to come out of the cave and the bear doubles back when she hears one of her cubs crying. Mr Collins then runs over, "scooped the exhausted boy up and hoisted him over his shoulder", which seems unlikely if Barry is as hefty as the book is constantly telling us. Unless Mr Collins is built like The Rock or Terry Crews. After the incident, everyone is really sound to Barry and Jessica even kisses him on the cheek and deigns to give him some of her valuable attention. Because if you're not sexy, you have to literally save someone from getting eaten by a bear to get any respect from these assholes.

That night, after everyone is gone to sleep, Courtney wakes Todd and tells him she has to talk to him about her father. While she's waiting for him to get dressed, she smokes a Marlboro (because she's evil) and we find out that she called her father a few days ago and convinced him to let her come home after saying that she missed him and that Todd was going to come back with her. Steve Thomas has agreed to let her leave early, because he thought Todd was the best guy ever when he met him, so Courtney's plan has all fallen into place. When Todd comes over to her, she finishes her cigarette, "carelessly flicked the rest of it into the bushes behind her" and tells Todd that she has to go home because she's "so worried" about her dad and his drinking and he just sounds worse and worse every time she calls home. She convinces Todd to come back to LA with her, kisses him and says that they can leave the following day.

Later that night, Elizabeth wakes up and smells something burning, because OH NO, FOREST FIRE. Everyone scrambles to try to put the fire out, Lila is freaking out and when Nora Dalton tries to calm her down, she starts screaming about how Nora just goes around ruining people's lives, like her husband's, and Roger Collins is like "Husband?! Wtf!?" but now is really not the time you guys. The group work together and eventually put the fire out. Afterwards, Roger Collins asks Nora what the this whole husband business is about and she tearfully tells him that the man she married turned out to be horrible and violent, so she left him and when she wouldn't come back to him, he killed himself. His wealthy and powerful family then turned on Nora/Beth and said they'd ruin her life if she told anyone what he was really like, so she fled and changed her name to get away from them. It also turns out that George Fowler knows this family and realised who Nora really was, so he was blackmailing her into dating him or something. It's pretty dark, but they sort of breeze past that bit. Anyway, Nora, or Beth as I'll have to call her now, unless they pull an Armin Tamzarian on us, makes up with Mr. Collins and they get back together.

In the meantime, Elizabeth is blaming herself for the forest fire, as she was the one responsible for putting out the campfire that night. She has a heart-to-heart with Mr. Collins and tells him all about Todd and Courtney and that Todd is no longer her boyfriend.

"The astonishment on his face was clear. And it was no surprise. Elizabeth and Todd had been the first to agree when people said they were a perfect couple."

Insufferable.

Mr. Collins then tells Elizabeth that Steve Thomas sent his daughter on this trip to get her away from Nolan Ruggers and they agree that neither of them believe a word of Courtney's sob story. The group reassembles and Beth Curtis has been telling everyone about her true identity, even though it's none of their goddamn business. Afterwards, Liz confronts Courtney in front of everyone, pushing her on the real reason for her being on the trip. Todd jumps to her defence and Liz tells everyone that she's leaving the trip too, because the fire was her fault. Everyone is astonished and about to cry because if the group is losing Saint Elizabeth, they might as well have all died in the fire. Todd then pipes up about Courtney and her nefarious fag-smoking ways, prompting her to lose her shit and start screaming at everyone, showing her true colours. EVIL COLOURS. She gets sent to stay with her aunt, Liz and Todd are reunited, Patmans Roger and Bruce are all good, Annie and Charlie have hooked up and everyone has a nice time for the reminder of their trip.

It was actually a pretty sucky summer overall, so the title seems like a bit of a misnomer here.

Notable outfit:
There wasn't much in the way of fun outfits in this one, seeing as the group had to carry whatever clothes they packed while cycling, so Courtney gets this one for her ensemble at the send-off dinner her father hosts in the mansion before the group departs from LA.

She was swathed in an exotic Indian silk sari, shot through with gold threads. Her hair was gathered loosely off her face, but a few stray black curls cascaded softly down around her shoulders. To complete her outfit, a pair of crescent-shaped hammered-gold earring dangled from Courtney's ears.

GAWD Courtney, cultural appropriation, much? Inapprops.

Things I counted:
Number of pages: 249
References to the twins' blue-green eyes: 10
References to the fact that the twins are blonde: 5
References to Todd's coffee-brown eyes: 6 (Get in there, Todd!) 

Sweet Valley High Revisited - Caught In The Middle

Here we are then! Back to the regular Sweet Valley storyline, no more unnecessarily long Super Editions where the twins go somewhere and someone is mean to them but then there's a dramatic and contrived near-death experience and everyone makes up and it was actually The Best Holiday Ever. So onwards to book 42 and if it isn't the return of ol' Crispy Bacon.

(Also, come say hi on Facebook, Twitter or Insta! There's going to be some news soon about a top secret Sweet Valley project I'm cooking up with the wonderful Anna Carey, so go follow her too, because she's cool.)

Sweet Valley High #42: Caught In The Middle


Jessica Wakefield and Cara Walker are heading to cheerleading practice and Jessica is grumpy because Cara knew that Sandra Bacon and Manuel Lopez are the school's newest couple and never told her. They've just spotted the two of them canoodling in a school corridor and Jessica is not happy about being behind the curve on SVH gossip. Sandy is late for practice and Jessica wonders what the Bacon family think of their daughter's boyfriend as Manuel comes from "a completely different world" and the Bacons have a reputation for being strict and also for being massive racists. Although this book does an amazing job of dancing around the word itself, i.e. "reputed to be bigoted." But back to Manuel.

His family was from Mexico and still spoke Spanish at home. Manuel had always hung around with the Mexican kids at school.

Excuse me? What Mexican kids? After over forty books we have literally met two Latina students, Penny Ayala and her sister and other than one throwaway mention of a black senior called Patty, this school is white AF. Sandy arrives all flushed from rushing over and Jessica considers a comment that Cara made earlier, where she said that Sandy looked different and that she's "so radiant" now.

Jessica was surprised at how pretty she looked. Not that she wasn't cute, but being best friends with Jeanie, one of the acclaimed beauties of the school, she was always complaining about looking "just average." And Jessica had secretly been inclined to agree.

Jessica, you bitch. I can't even act surprised.

After practice, Sandy tells Jeanie all about how wonderful Manuel is and that she's going to meet his whole family at a party in his cousin's house on Friday. She also confesses that she hasn't told her parents about Manuel and isn't likely to anytime soon because of the way the racist assholes "feel about Mexicans." At home that evening, Sandy is hanging out in the kitchen with her mother and feels uneasy about keeping a secret as she usually tells her everything. But when she reads out a piece in the paper about an upcoming Mexican festival in Sweet Valley (seriously, where has this thriving Latinx community been all this time? I call shenanigans), Mrs. Bacon gets all frowny and says it should be cancelled because of the "trouble those people can cause". Yeah. Real nice lady. Sandy gets upset and her mother continues to be awful, apparently she grew up in "a town plagued by racial tension" and for some reason her reaction to that is to cause more where she lives now. Slow clap for Mammy Bacon.

Meanwhile, Jessica is scheming for Lila Fowler's upcoming birthday. Lila has been dropping hints about as subtle as a sledgehammer that it's soon and that she wants a surprise party (classic Lila) and Jessica has been studiously acting like she doesn't care and that birthdays aren't really a big deal. She's planning a party for the day after Lila's actual birthday so it'll be a real surprise and enlists the help of Amy Sutton and Cara to act like they don't care either and to change the subject every time Lila brings it up. Cara thinks it's mean until Jessica reminds her that Lila once told her she thought her spring wardrobe was two years out of date.

Sandy is over at Manuel's house with his five younger siblings where everything is raucous and colourful and cheerful and not like Sandy's house where things are ordered and quiet and xenophobic. Mrs Lopez insists that Sandy stays for dinner, so she goes into the living room and calls home, telling her mother that she's over at Jeanie's house for dinner, but Manuel hears her and is upset that she's keeping him a secret. Sandy is ashamed of her racist parents and tries to explain, but Manuel thinks he should still meet them and Sandy promises that she'll come clean soon but needs more time. In the meantime, her oblivious parents are trying to set her up with some (white) golf-playing (white) country club (whitey white) kid called Carl who sounds like he'd be absolutely unbearable. Sandy tries to broach the subject with her mother, asking what they'd think if she already met a nice boy but one from a different background, like, oh I don't know, a Mexican-American? Her mother's reaction is predictably terrible, complete with an exclamation of "good heavens" and a "they're different from us", so Sandy feels like she definitely can't tell them about Manuel now.

There's a picnic that weekend that the Wests and the Bacons have every year, so Sandy calls Jeanie and asks if she'll help to cover for her, as Mrs Bacon is definitely going to say something to Mrs West about all the time that Sandy has allegedly been spending over at their house. Jeanie agrees but she's doubtful about the whole business and also gives Sandy a heads up that Elizabeth Wakefield is going to include an item about Sandy and Manuel being a couple in her Eyes and Ears column for The Oracle. Sandy panics because her mother sometimes reads the school paper, so she finds Liz the following morning at school before class.

"Hi Sandy," she said. She looked at the girl with admiration, thinking how much prettier and more animated Sandra seemed since she and Manuel got together.

Someone shove her into a locker.

Sandy pulls Liz aside and pleads with her not to print the mention of her and Manuel. Elizabeth looks "thoughtful" is all "I don't like to make major changes at this point. Is it really that important that it come out?" Jesus Liz, it's not exactly The New York Times so just take the fucking line out, she's clearly upset about it. Liz eventually deigns to remove it and decides not to press Sandra to explain herself.

It was obvious from the girl's expression that this was a painful subject for her, and Elizabeth didn't want to interfere.

I WONDER WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN. In yet another instance of "people who don't know Elizabeth Wakefield that well but confess everything to her anyway", Sandy blurts out the whole deal about how her parents will never accept their daughter having a Mexican-American boyfriend. Elizabeth thinks about how brilliant her parents are and that they'd never be prejudiced like the Bacons. She also tells Sandy that she has to come clean because sneaking around isn't fair on anyone and that if they get a chance to meet Manuel they might change their racist minds. Sandy knows Liz is right but she's also afraid that her parents will make her give Manuel up if they find out. Sandy manages to get through the weekend barbeque with Jeanie's family without incident, but Jeanie is getting tired of covering Sandy's tracks for her. Sandy tries talking to her mother again while she's out in the garden trimming her beloved azaleas and just tries the exact same tack as before, with the hypothetical Mexican boyfriend. Mrs Bacon says that she would just be making things hard for herself and that she and Sandy's father want her to meet nice people like the Aryan youth from the country club and that last night she was thinking about what Sandy had said before about falling in love with a Mexican boy and she got SO UPSET SHE COULDN'T SLEEP. I hope her azalea bushes die. Also, I'm no parenting expert but if your daughter has come to you twice with the same hypothetical situation about her potentially having a Mexican boyfriend, MAYBE SHE'S TRYING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

Look at these forty-year-olds, waiting to hear back about their mortgage application.

Manuel is getting impatient about the whole thing and doesn't think it's right for him and Sandy to be dating when he still hasn't met her family and having to meet her in places instead of picking her up from her house makes him feel like she's ashamed of him. Sandy tries to make it up to him by saying that they can go out sailing on her boat the following week and lets him think that means she'll finally tell her parents about him as they won't let her go out on the lake alone.

In the meantime, Jessica's plan for Lila's surprise surprise party is in full swing, she's been insisting that birthday parties are for babies and Cara and Amy have been pretending that the three of them are going to see a "British rock group" the day of Lila's birthday. Over lunch in the canteen, Lila tentatively mentions that her father wants to take her to a fancy restaurant for her birthday but she wasn't sure what to tell him in case the gang are secretly planning something. Jessica keeps the ruse going and Lila storms off, upset that her friends are apparently going to a concert on her birthday and haven't even invited her. I know Lila's an absolute wagon, but I still love her and this is so mean.

Sandy asks Jeanie if she'd like to come out on the boat with her and Manuel, but Jeanie has plans with her boyfriend that afternoon and sees right through Sandy, because she's only invited her along to provide her with a cover so Sandy can tell her parents she was out with Jeanie on the lake. Sandy then runs into Elizabeth, who's just finishing up a project for sexy Mr Collins and invites her to come with her and Manuel on her boat, insisting that Manuel would love to have her there too. Elizabeth agrees to come as Sandy's story checks out because who wouldn't love to hang out with the illustrious Elizabeth Wakefield. Manuel isn't too impressed that Liz is coming (say whaaaaat!) and Sandy tells him that their boat trip plan just slipped out while she was talking to her and Sandy felt like she had to invite her. They head out on the boat, which was a birthday present from Sandy's parents last year and Manuel previously worked at the lake during the summer so he's good at boat stuff. They head out on the water and it's all going nicely, until the engine starts acting up. Elizabeth is worried about the weird noise it's making and Sandy gets the onboard toolkit and tries to fix it but next thing you know, THERE'S A HUGE EXPLOSION.

Elizabeth and Manuel are thrown into the water and they realise that Sandy has been knocked out and is on the bow of the boat, which is now in flames. There's gasoline under the seats and Elizabeth shouts that the whole thing could explode (again) any second. Manuel heroically swims back to the boat and gets Sandy into the water, and all three of them get to the shore, with Manuel towing an unconscious Sandy while the boat dramatically re-explodes behind them. Elizabeth sees a crowd of people over at the boathouse who've seen the whole thing and tells Manuel that help is coming. Sandy comes to and realises that Manuel saved her and Elizabeth almost cries twice over how pure and amazing their love for each other is. A moment which is then ruined by Sandy telling Manuel that her parents don't know he was out on the boat with her and to scram, basically. Liz can't believe it and Sandy pleads with her to pretend that she was the one who rescued her from the burning boat. Manuel is devastated by this absolute shitehawkery and leaves, crushed. Sandy is stretchered to the boathouse while they wait for an ambulance and tells the park service guy who has to file a report that it was just her and Elizabeth out on the boat. A boy who saw the whole things interrupts and says that there was a guy with them too, but Sandy denies it and is then taken away to the hospital. A reporter from the Sweet Valley News has turned up too and badgers Elizabeth for details of her alleged heroics. There's a photographer there too and Liz feels terrible for lying and taking credit for what Manuel did. She asks the reporter if they have to write this up and that she feels uncomfortable about it.

WELL WELL WELL. How's that medicine going down, Elizabeth? Does it taste like bitterness and blonde regret and tables turning? DOES IT?

The story is on the front of the following day's paper and everyone is falling over themselves to congratulate Liz for her bravery. Only her family, Enid and Jeffrey know the real story and Jessica thinks she should milk it for all it's worth. Elizabeth calls over to see Sandy, who isn't back in school yet and Mrs Bacon gives Elizabeth a fancy bracelet for saving her daughter. It's from Stowe's, so you know it's a fancy place when it doesn't have a typically Sweet Valley name like The Jewellery Shop (see also: Lisette's, where Lila shops). Elizabeth tells Sandy that she can't go on lying to everyone about what really happened, but Sandy insists that her parents will never forgive her if they find out about Manuel and asks Liz if she'll find him and tell him that she loves him and that she's sorry.

Back in Jessica's B-plot, Lila's actual birthday has come and gone and she's furious with her friends for ditching her. Cara and Amy then bring her to the Wakefield's house under the pretense of taking her there so she can confront Jessica. Once they drag her through the doorway, the lights snap on and everyone yells surprise ("in front of them all was Jessica, whose face was absolutely radiant") and Lila is thrilled about her surprise surprise party.

After a few days, Sandy comes back to school and when she finally gets a chance to talk to Manuel, he tells her he's had enough of sneaking around and though he still loves her, he's not putting up with it anymore and he pretty much breaks up with her. Later that day though, the cops show up and take Manuel in for questioning because witnesses saw him hanging around the boat at Secca Lake before the girls got in and they think someone may have tampered with the engine. Sandy and her parents are then brought to the station and told the cops have a suspect for the potential engine tampering and Sandy denies knowing anything about a Mexican guy that was there on the day of accident. Since Manuel has explained that he's a friend of Sandy's, the cops then bring him into the room and ask Sandy if she knows him and you won't believe the nerve of this bitch.

"No," she said in a clear, strong voice. "I've never seen him before in my life."

SANDY YOU ABSOLUTE WAGON. Manuel stares at her and asks "How could you?" and I too would like to know what the fuck she's playing at, goddammit Sandy. However she then immediately bursts into tears and confesses everything to her parents. For some reason Liz appears in the room halfway through the confession scene because of course she does, and confirms to Mr and Mrs Bacon that Sandy is telling the truth. Mr Bacon thanks Manuel for rescuing Sandy, shakes his hand and tells him that he's always welcome in his home, and Mrs Bacon manages to bring herself to thank him too, while staring at the floor. The cops all laugh about what a lovely resolution this is to a case of suspected foul play and cheerfully decide to call it a day. Never mind the fact that Sandy lied through her teeth to them about an investigation and almost got her boyfriend thrown in jail for an imaginary crime. Sandy and Manuel head up to Miller's Point afterwards and make up even though she was nothing but terrible to him and seriously Manuel, D U M P  H E R. So the moral of the story is that racists will only get over their prejudice if their daughter's life is saved by a minority, but other than that, stay the fuck out of their country clubs.

Notable outfit:
Not a god damn one. For SHAME, ghostwriter.

Things I counted:
Number of pages: 138
References to the twins' blue-green eyes: 1 (ONE. Outrageous.)
References to the fact that the twins are blonde: 2 (Shoddy.)
Amount of times the word "racist" is used: 0
Amount of times Sandy's parents are racist: A fuckload. Like, so much.

Sweet Valley High Revisited - Super Edition: Spring Fever

I'm here! I'm back! That was quite a bit of a lag between posts, but you see I was busy with a constant low-level panic about my job situation and what the hell I was going to do with my life for the last few months so I wasn't really in a Sweet Valley typa place. Until now! And guys, it's finally, FINALLY the last of these lame Super Editions which always seem to culminate in a contrived life-or-death situation and then we never hear from any of the peripheral characters or boys Jessica falls in love with ever again. So after this one it'll be back to the regular Sweet Valley timeline and the next lil series of breakaway books are the Super Thrillers, where we'll get some murder-mystery-stalker-shenanigans going on and I for one cannot wait. But for now, it's the swan song of this seasonal series, so farewell Super Editions and don't let the door hit you in the blonde vagina on the way out.

Sweet Valley High Super Edition: Spring Fever


It's Spring Break! Again! And the Wakefield twins are taking their perfect size six asses to Kansas for eleven days to stay with Alice's uncle Herman and aunt Shirley for what appears to be no good reason. The gals are packing for their trip and Alice, who is described as "neat, pert and blue-eyed" (oh my) cautions them that their great-aunt and uncle are the same generation as their grandparents and not to alarm the old people basically, because they're not used to teenagers. She also reminds Jessica that they agreed that packing conservative things is the way to go for Walkersville when she sees a white jumpsuit studded with rhinestones in her daughter's case. Amazing. Elizabeth is excited because she's "always wanted to go to a little midwestern town" which is such a dumb lie Liz, knock it off.

Shirley and Herman collect the twins from the airport and Jessica admires the scenery on the way to the house. 

"I've never seen anything so flat before!" Jessica added, her eyes wide.

And if Elizabeth was any fun at all she's make a crack about Jessica's chest or something here. Come on, it's so obvious. The twins fill Herman and Shirley in on the goings-on back in Sweet Valley and what Steven is up to in college and how he has "a wonderful girlfriend, Cora Walker." Cora! Poor Cara Walker, I don't know why the ghostwriter has slighted you like this. They get to Walkersville and it's lovely and like a storybook, according to Elizabeth. Herman is the mayor and has an old fashioned five and ten cent store, which I can only assume is something closer to Main Street USA in Disneyland rather than a shop like Dealz or €uro2. It has a soda fountain inside, which is popular with the local teens, so Jessica pipes up and suggests that her and Liz could help out behind the counter while they're around. Shirley and Herman's house is all nice and Kansas-y with wicker chairs on the porch and copper pots and pans in the kitchen and patchwork quilts in the bedrooms. Once the twins get settled, Shirley barges into their room and tells them they're ready to head into town to show them around. Jessica isn't impressed, as she wanted just her and Liz to have a look around so she could scope out the local hot dudes, which will now be trickier to do with an elderly aunt and uncle in tow.

Shirley and Herman bring them around the town and Jessica feels like a movie star because everyone is openly gaping at the sight of her and Liz. Also, Jessica is thrilled that her outfit of "tight black stirrup pants, bright raspberry t-shirt, and black, man-tailored jacket" stands out so much, oh and she's wearing pointy black sunglasses that genuinely startled her aunt when she saw them. Jessica's fashion choices are not for the faint of heart so strap in, Shirley. Jessica manages to break away from the group under the pretense of checking out a craft shop across the road and once they've gone well ahead of her, she makes a beeline for a shop she saw a bunch of lads standing outside earlier. The poor simple country folk are transfixed by Jessica as she tosses her hair around and flashes flirtatious smiles, enjoying making them all turn red by asking for the time and the fact that they "couldn't believe she was really from California". However, two local gals then turn up and Jessica is totally flummoxed when they're all cold and unfriendly to this hot blonde stranger who's simultaneously chatting up everyone's boyfriend. One of the girls, Annie Sue (really), then starts pointedly talking about a party that everyone's going to that night and doesn't invite Jessica. Clearly she has no idea who she's talking to. Jessica catches up with Liz and the relatives and Shirley makes a big deal about what a sweet girl Annie Sue is, but all the girls they see in town look like they're ready to murder the twins when they see them. We're not in Sweet Valley anymore, bitches.
There's a carnival coming to Walkersville and the twins lose their fucking minds with excitement.

Jessica had grabbed Elizabeth by the hand and yanked her out of her chair. "Let's go figure out what we're going to wear!" she shrieked.

Jessica decides on her sparkly white Dolly Parton-as-fuck jumpsuit, Elizabeth tells her she looks like someone on a game show and Aunt Shirley nearly faints when she sees it. Jessica has also taken the liberty of adding an oversize pair of silver earrings and white leather boots, like the absolute champ that she is, and everyone heads out to the fair. Oh, but first Aunt Shirley warns the girls about the unspoken rule in the town about boys who work at the carnival, "known as 'carnies' in local slang" and the secret rule is not to hook up with them, basically. They take a look around and there's a Ferris Wheel and food and a bunch of tents and the twins manage to break away from their aunt and uncle for a go on the Ferris Wheel, from which Jessica spots a hot guy working at a corral for horse riding. The twins go over and Jessica pretends to be super into horses. The dude's name is Alex and his dad owns the carnival, so he's helping out during spring break. They talk about California for a bit and even Elizabeth thinks he's a ride as well.

He seemed smart, too. Not at all like a "carnie".

Real nice, Liz. Anyway, when Jessica mentions that Liz wants to be a writer, Alex tells them that his brother Brad does as well and guess what, they're identical twins too! However, Annie Sue then turns up with her boyfriend and interrupts the conversation. Her boyfriend Dennis asks Jessica if the rhinestones on her jumpsuit are real diamonds and Annie Sue tries to monopolise Alex's attention by yammering on about horses. She tries to pet a stallion called Midnight and Alex gives out to her, because he hasn't been broken yet and is really skittish around strangers. Great idea having him out at the carnival then, Alex. Annie Sue goes off in a huff, dragging Dennis with her and Jessica asks Alex if he'll give her a riding lesson. AYOOO. Alex says he could meet her after the carnival when it closes at ten and Jessica agrees, despite Elizabeth's warning that Shirley and Herman definitely won't let her go out alone at that hour.

They get back to the house and Aunt Shirley mentions that she saw the twins talking to Annie Sue and goes on about what a wonderful girl she is, until Jessica tells her that Annie Sue doesn't seem to like her and Liz all that much. Aunt Shirley won't hear of it and says she's been telling Annie Sue all about her amazing, smart, pretty nieces for months, so Liz reckons maybe she's just sick of hearing about the Wakefields and that's why she's been so frosty to them. Jessica then casually mentions that she's heading back into town to see a guy she met earlier and Shirley has a totally normal reaction.

"You met-" Aunt Shirley turned white. "Herman," she said weakly, clutching her heart. "My pills-"

Shirley's a messy bitch who lives for drama.

There's no way they're letting Jessica out, so she apologises for upsetting her aunt and feigns sleepiness, saying she's heading to bed except she's obviously sneaking out instead. Jessica has a wonderful evening with Alex who, upon learning that Jessica has never ridden a horse before decides that she's the perfect person to ride Midnight, as he's almost broken in and she won't have any bad habits. She also won't have a fucking clue what she's doing and this is a terrible idea. But apparently it's ok because it turns out that Jessica is a natural. At riding. Of course she is. She also arranges to meet Alex and his brother the following afternoon so they can introduce Brad and Liz and they can bond over books and being absolutely negative craic.

The next morning, Jessica and Elizabeth head to their uncle's shop to work at the soda fountain. Jessica had forgotten that they were supposed to be working so she tells Liz that she'll cover for her and that she should head off at three o'clock to meet Alex and Brad at the corral. Before all that though, they have to get through their shift behind the counter, scooping ice cream and flipping burgers in fetching striped aprons and paper hats. A lady called Mindy works behind the counter too and shows them the ropes, then decides they know what they're doing and just bails before the lunch rush to do some errands for the guy that runs the shop. What the fuck, Mindy. The twins get through the busy period and are eventually left with a gang of the local boys that Jessica met on the first day, including Annie Sue's boyfriend Dennis, who asks the twins if they're going to the square dance that weekend and if they have dates yet. However, then Annie Sue turns up with a gang of local girls and gets all snappy with Dennis for talking to those blonde hussies. We find out that Annie Sue (that name is so annoying to type out every time, goddamn you ghostwriter and your stereotypical hick name choices) has been telling the other girls that the twins were mocking their clothes and think they're stupid. When Jessica protests and says that Annie Sue is lying, she whirls around and accuses Jessica and Elizabeth of trying to steal their boyfriends, before storming off with her gang and the lads trailing along behind her all sheepish.

Elizabeth heads off to meet Alex and Brad at the corral while Jessica mans the counter, but is disappointed to see Alex alone when she arrives. She says hi and asks him where Brad is, but he laughs and says that he's Brad and that Alex couldn't make it as he's meeting a prospective buyer for Midnight. They go for a walk and get along wonderfully, as Brad is sensitive and writes poetry and is shyer than his brother and Elizabeth thinks she might actually fancy him, which is awkward because Jeffrey is waiting for her back in Sweet Valley, being blonde and handsome. They decide to meet up again, but Brad is only free in the afternoons as he has to look after his little sister while Alex and his father are at the carnival in the evenings.

Just look at these assholes.

A few days later, Aunt Shirley tells the twins that they've been invited out to Annie Sue's grandmother's farm for a welcome to Walkersville lunch with Annie Sue (f u ghostwriter) and her pals. She's already accepted on the twins' behalf so there's no getting out of it. Uncle Herman drives them out to the farm, where they are welcomed by Mrs. Sawyer, Annie's grandmother, who is kind and lovely and in the middle of making an apple tart for their lunch. Annie (no more Sue for you!) is due to arrive with her friends around noon, but her little sister Janie is there and instructed by her grandmother to give the girls a tour of the farm. However, Annie has prepped her little sister to torment the twins, so she tries to get Jessica to milk a temperamental cow called Brownie who kicks everyone other than Mrs. Sawyer, until Elizabeth stops her just in time. Over the course of the morning, she also tries to steer the twins into poison ivy, ditches them in the woods so they get lost and gets them to feed the pigs which results in Elizabeth nearly being trampled into the Kansas dirt by stampeding livestock. They get back to the house for noon, but there's no sign of Annie and her girl gang, so they drink lemonade with Mrs. Sawyer on the porch. After waiting for almost an hour, it becomes clear that Annie is standing them up and Mrs. Sawyer is visibly upset as they go ahead and have lunch with six empty places set at the table. Fuck Annie Sue for having her lovely nanny make a massive lunch and not turning up out of spite for the twins, the lil bitch.

Jessica continues to pretend to go to bed early so she can sneak out to see Alex and Elizabeth meets Brad again for another afternoon date. On her way to meet him, she notices that some of the local girls have started to dress like Jessica, as she sees one in a pink headband similar to one Jessica wore a few days before and another in a sweatshirt dress, again as previously seen on Jessica. One of the nights that Jessica is out with Alex at the corral and riding around on Midnight, she gets him to agree to take her to the square dance and to make it a double date with Brad and Elizabeth. However, as she's saying goodbye to Alex, she sees Annie Sue staring intently at her and realises that this means trouble as she's been caught out after eleven and with a carnie, no less. I mean, Annie Sue is also out at that hour with her boyfriend, but it doesn't stop her from threatening to tell Herman and Shirley and blackmailing Jessica into giving her her "rhinestone-studded headband" at the dime store counter the following day. Over the course of the week, she also makes Jessica give her other belongings, such as a rhinestone pin, a plastic sports watch (you just know it was that wonderful 80s shade of bright yellow that the SPORTS version of everything was) and - gasp, the indignity - Jessica's red cowboy boots.

Elizabeth meets Brad for one last date before the big square dance, and he has to go set up the corral that night as a favour for his brother. Brad ends up accidentally cutting his hand on a gate with a nail sticking out of it, so Liz patches him up with a first aid kit and is relieved to find that there's no romantic spark between them, they're just friends and she's still in love with Jeffrey back home. Over dinner, Shirley and Herman mention how much fun it will be for them and the girls to all go to the square dance together. Jessica is horrified and she and Liz explain that they have dates for the dance, but Shirley and Herman aren't having it and insist that because they've never met these boys or their families, they're not allowed to go with them. A distraught Jessica sneaks out again after dinner to find Alex so she can tell him that she'll never see him again as the twins are going home on Monday. Before she gets a chance to tell him that she can't go to the dance, he hurriedly explains that a guy called Sawyer is going to buy Midnight and he has to run off to meet him, so would Jessica mind watching the corral for a few minutes.

As soon as Alex leaves, Annie Sue turns up and starts crowing about how her father is buying Midnight for her. She makes Jessica give her the necklace of "big silver beads" she's wearing and then saunters into the corral and climbs up on Midnight, despite Jessica telling her not to, because he's not fully trained. Annie imperiously declares that she's been riding horses since she was three and yanks on the reins, making the horse all skittish and anxious. I mean, in real life, the girl who's been riding horses all her life is the one who knows how to handle a temperamental horse, even if she's mean to the twins, not some bird who's never even been near a stable since that week and is getting sporadic lessons from a guy she's dry-humping after hours at the town carnival, but real-world logic doesn't apply to Wakefield twins and I should really know that by now. Anyway, a metallic crash comes from the stables and spooks Midnight, sending him racing off around the corral with a terrified Annie Sue on board. Jessica climbs onto another horse and chases after Midnight, (how big is this corral lads, seriously) managing to get her horse in front of the stallion, slowing him down and then taking the reins from Annie Sue and patting Midnight so he calms down, because she's the fucking horse whisperer now on top of everything else. Alex has come back on the scene at this stage and races over, taking back control of Midnight and everything is grand again. Oh and a crowd had gathered in the meantime and now they're all cheering like a shower of absolute dopes because more loud noises are just what the giant nervous horse needs.

While all this was going on, Shirley came into the bedroom to speak to the twins about their decision, only to find Elizabeth there on her own, forcing her to explain that Jessica took off to see Alex one last time. Shirley and Herman freak out and head over to the carnival to find her with Liz in tow and arrive at the corral just as everything has calmed down. Annie Sue's dad Mr. Sawyer then tells them how Jessica bravely saved his daughter's life, so everyone is cool again. Annie Sue apologises to Jessica for being such a horrible bitch to her and Elizabeth and explains that she's always been the one in charge with the kids her age around Walkersville and that she's a bit spoiled and always got what she wanted, as an only child. An only child?

WTF WAS JANIE A GHOST? THE ONE THING THAT MIGHT SAVE THESE INTERMINABLE SUPER EDITIONS IS ADDING SOME DAMN GHOSTS.

However, in this case, it seems like the ghostwriter has delivered a final fuck you by not reading her own book, as Janie is then mentioned not three pages later by Annie Sue herself, so let that be a lesson to us all about getting our ghost-hopes up. Annie decides to throw a party that night at her house so everyone can get to know each other properly before the square dance and she can give Jessica all her stuff back. Everyone goes to the impromptu party at the Sawyer's massive house and has a great time and the twins are getting along great with Annie Sue and her friends now, particularly after Annie makes a big speech in front of everyone apologising to the twins for her behaviour, because only public repentance will do when you've messed with the Wakefields. Later, when Jessica drags Alex over to Elizabeth to talk about the square dance that they're now allowed to attend, Elizabeth notices that Alex has a bandage on his hand in the exact spot where Brad was cut on the nail. Well whaddaya know. Elizabeth angrily confronts him when Jessica goes upstairs to borrow a gingham dress from Annie Sue for the dance and he confesses that his name really is Alex and yes, he made up the whole twin thing. Elizabeth is furious but tells him to come up with a reason why Brad won't be at the dance and she'll go along with it for Jessica's sake, because Jessica is in love with him.

They go to the dance and Elizabeth decides to fuck with Alex a bit by letting Annie Sue in on what he pulled and getting her to interrupt him when he's dancing with Jessica, telling him that Elizabeth wants to dance with him too and then doing the same thing for Jessica when he's dancing with Liz. After an evening of being dragged in two directions, Alex gets Liz alone and apologises properly, explaining that he liked them both and couldn't decide who he liked more so this way he could spend time with the two of them, but he's fallen for Jessica. Elizabeth forgives him as she sees that he "cares for Jessica a great deal" and promises not to reveal the truth to her sister, so I suppose that's fine then and they all have a great evening at the end of their "precious" trip to Walkersville, which sounded like it sucked really, what with all the unpaid labour and getting the cold shoulder from local girls and blackmailing. Not to mention that fact that Elizabeth should have immediately sold Alex out for being an absolute creep but whatever. THE END.

Notable outfit:

In fairness, Jessica's white rhinestone jumpsuit is tough to beat, but when the twins go to the square dance, they actually wear almost exactly what's on the ridiculous cover.

"I look exactly like those girls always do in the movies!" she exclaimed, delighted. The skirt of the gingham dress stood away from her body, held out by the crinoline petticoat. The bodice fit very close, accentuating her slim waist and torso and the neckline plunged just low enough to look good - but not so low as to raise an objection from their aunt and uncle.

"You look fantastic!" Elizabeth said. She had decided to wear something simpler that night, a slim-cut denim skirt and a red and white checked cotton blouse. A bright bandana tied around her neck completed the look.

Go on Jessica, putting the ho in hoe-down.

Things I counted:
Number of pages: 233
References to the twins' blue-green eyes: 3
References to the fact that the twins are blonde: 6
 

Sweet Valley High Revisited - Outcast

Uh ohh...IT'S CONSEQUENCE TIME.

(Also, best to have read the book 40 recap before this one, as it follows on directly from that storyline. And hey, while we're clickin' links, come say hi on Facebook and Insta!)

Sweet Valley High #41: Outcast
 

We pick up immediately after the point where the last book finished up, so everyone is crying after the memorial service for Regina at school. Elizabeth finds Bruce and Amy (Amy is holding Bruce's hand "defiantly" at the funeral of the girl she schemed against because she has no class) and tells them about the letter she got from Regina from ~beyond the grave~ and how Regina had said that she didn't hold anything against the pair of them. Bleh. I hold it against them and I think they're assholes. Elizabeth and Jessica arrive home to find both of their parents and Steven home for a Serious Family Meeting About Drugs where Ned and Alice tell the twins that they can always talk to them about anything. Elizabeth laments that it was so unlike Regina to try drugs and Jessica cries out that it's all Molly Hecht's fault for having the party, but Ned insists that it was Regina's decision.

At school, everyone is jumping on the Blame Molly Bandwagon, including Justin Belson. Molly tries to talk to him at lunch but he literally turns and flees from her, because he's putting his old life behind him now. Molly is left entirely alone and feels completely terrible as she walks home. She can't help feeling like it's not fair that she's the one taking all the blame and quite rightly wonders "What about Bruce and Amy? What about Buzz and Justin and Jan? What about Regina herself?" and I'm with you Molly, Bruce and Amy should absolutely be taking some heat for this too. She's fifteen minutes late when she gets home because she spent all day at school being ostracised and waited until the hallways were clear before leaving as people had been physically moving away from her as she passed. Once she gets home though, she's berated by her furious parents for being late (her dad has come back from San Francisco to shout at her and tell her she's responsible for Regina's death) and she tearfully pleads with them to let her transfer to another school because everyone is treating her like a murderer, but they're not having it and tell her she has to take whatever the kids at school throw at her. Parenting!

Jessica calls an emergency Pi Beta Alpha meeting and announces that she wants to set up a college scholarship fund in Regina's memory, to be awarded to someone who has overcome "some kind of handicap or hardship" and that the sorority could fundraise to get it started. Everyone thinks it's an amazing idea and Elizabeth tells Jessica that she's proud of her. After school, Elizabeth is sitting on the steps outside the front entrance with Jeffrey talking about how much she misses Regina and shows him a poem about grief by the poet who Regina liked and the whole thing is printed in full, like the poem by the same author in the last book which was read at the memorial, and is the ghostwriter just filling up the word count here or trying to win a bet? Anyway, while all this is going on, Molly is on the other side of the door, psyching herself up to talk to Elizabeth.

For days now, she had a strong, compelling need to talk to Elizabeth, to try to apologize, explain what had happened.

It was well known that Elizabeth Wakefield could be counted on as sympathetic, honest and scrupulously fair.

Oh PLEASE.

When Jeffrey leaves, Molly emerges and asks Elizabeth if she can talk to her for a minute, but she backs away and says she can't. Molly begs Liz not to hate her and Liz says she's doesn't hate her but she loved Regina and then runs away from her too.

Now that Elizabeth and Justin had turned away, nothing seemed to matter anymore.

Ok, Justin at least is her ex and until recently was a close friend but as far as we know, her and Elizabeth had never even said as much as hello to each other, so REALLY? Now that Elizabeth, who you've never had anything to do with, has turned away, NOW everything is meaningless and over? How the hell is a judgemental pain in the hole like Elizabeth so central to the happiness of all these tertiary characters that she's never even interacted with? Even when it's not about the Wakefields, it's still somehow about the Wakefields. You can't buy that kind of personal brand reach. Anyway, now that Molly is completely alone without even a Wakefield shoulder to cry on, she decides that the one person who can't run away from her and who she can get everything off her chest to is Regina, so she ends up walking to the graveyard where Regina is buried. Unfortunately for Molly, Nicholas Morrow is there leaving roses on the grave and crying. He sees her and loses his shit, yelling at her that she's done enough damage already and how dare she come here.

"Get out of here!" he screamed, raising one hand as if to hit her.

NNNNNNNNOPE. For good measure, he also screams at her that she killed his sister and Molly runs away and collapses when she gets home to an empty house. The phone rings and it's Buzz, who's been on the run from the cops since the party. She tells him to leave her alone, but Buzz talks her round by being nice to her and saying he's on her side and that he understands what she's going through, and poor Molly is so starved of any kind of sympathy that she stays on the line and agrees to meet him at Kelly's that night. Now I know I used this line in the last recap, when talking about Regina, but this girl's name actually is Molly so I think the situation warrants a MOLLY YOU IN DANGER, GIRL! We also learn that Buzz is lying low in some shady empty apartment with "sagging clothes-lines" draped between the rundown brick buildings. Ah, the lesser-spotted poor part of Sweet Valley, generally populated by people that Elizabeth can benevolently take pity on.

Back at the Wakefields' split-level, Spanish-style, better-than-your house, Jessica is trying to figure out the logistics of managing the money that will be raised for the Regina scholarship and is worried she's taken on more than she can handle. Alice then arrives home with a Chinese takeaway and Jessica is thrilled out of her fucking mind.

A pungent, savory odor wafted out of the backseat as Jessica opened the door. "Mom!" she shrieked excitedly. "You ordered Chinese food!"

Everyone agrees it was a great idea and is happily stuffed after eating out on the patio and STALL THE BALL LADS, because back in Nowhere To Run, it is explicitly stated that Ned doesn't like Chinese food and yet here he is, popping chunks of water chestnut into his lying mouth with his chopsticks. I mean, it was like twenty books ago but STILL. After dinner, Jessica tells her parents about the Regina scholarship plan and Ned offers to take care of all the admin and investment-y side of things once they raise the money, as they deal with that type of stuff at the office anyway so it's grand. So that's that sorted. Jeffrey calls over to hang out with Elizabeth later that evening and while they're watching telly he can see that there's something on her mind, so she tells him that she feels bad for shunning Molly and admits that everyone is taking their anger and grief out on her which is pretty unfair. However, despite all this, Liz can't bring herself to actually talk to the girl because it's "too painful" and she hopes that Molly has someone to talk to or offer support to her, so she goes ringing Justin Belson to bother him about it. Unsurprisingly, Justin isn't too impressed at being told to go be friends with Molly by this self-righteous busybody who can't be bothered to go do the same thing herself.

Stung, Elizabeth stared at the mouthpiece of the phone. Why was he reacting this way?

Haaa, suck it Liz, not everyone is desperate for your approval. Anyway, Justin tells her he's trying to sort his own life out and won't go backwards and that's the end of it.

Oh hello SVH cover JACKPOT! Look at all this feathery hair! It's like being inside a fancy pillow full of birds! Also why do these three high school girls look like thirty year olds? Are they all wearing pyjamas? And am I crazy or does that girl on the left look like Whiny Scarlett from Nashville?

Meanwhile, Molly Hecht is sneaking out her bedroom window and making her way to the car park of Kelly's where she meets Buzz. They sit in his car and he hands her a joint and gives her a lot of "I've never felt this way about anyone" type talk because he needs her for his plan to leg it out of Sweet Valley. Molly is reeled in by his supposed sympathy for her situation and he manipulates her into agreeing to leave town with him and to bring the few thousand dollars she has in a savings account that was meant for college. Molly is so tired of everyone shutting her out and shitting on her that she ignores her instincts and goes along with the plan, thinking that'll show everyone, including "that goody-goody Elizabeth Wakefield". I have to say, I'm really enjoying the Elizabeth-slagging that's going on in this book.

The following day, Nicholas Morrow shows up at the Wakefield house super early in the morning, because he wants to talk to Elizabeth. Jessica lets him into the house and pours him a coffee, telling him about the scholarship she's organising while he waits for Liz to come downstairs. He loves the idea and takes her hand, saying that his parents will be touched and Jessica tries her best to flirt with him and you just have to admire this gal's hustle. Never let up, even when he's grieving his sister's death. Anyway, Elizabeth arrives into the kitchen, and Jessica is immediately forgotten about, as Nicholas asks if he can drive Liz to school. On the way, in his jeep, he tells Elizabeth about how he went off on Molly Hecht at the graveyard and asks if she could apologise to Molly on his behalf if she sees her at school. They come to the conclusion that Molly has just been an easy target for everyone and that it's not fair how she's been treated. Of course, Liz also came to these same conclusions with Jeffrey but didn't bother her hole doing anything about it then herself. So she ends up doing the exact same thing as before, and instead of approaching Molly herself at any of the many opportunities she had during the day, she seeks out Justin Belson again to badger him about it.

He's in the library working on a Hamlet paper and Liz tries to ease her way into her badgering by offering to help him with his assignment in return for him helping her with Molly. She pleads with him to help, and points out that wrecking Molly's life won't bring Regina back and just wears him down until he says he'll think about it. At lunch, Liz goes asking around after Molly in an effort to find her and someone tells her they heard Molly asking about which buses go past the Union Bank, so Elizabeth heads over there and runs into Molly as she's about to leave with stacks of fifties in her hand from the $2,300 she just emptied from her account. Elizabeth says she wants to talk, but Molly doesn't want to hear it, saying she's fed up with being everyone's scapegoat and, magnificently;

"You can take your talking and shove it."

GODDAMN I just love it when people tell Elizabeth to go fuck herself. It's so rare and even though it always ends up that Elizabeth was actually right and they should have listened to her, it's just so bloody satisfying.

Jessica and Elizabeth are in the Oracle office working on an article about the Regina scholarship, when Penny Ayala and Olivia Davidson come in. Elizabeth types out the story and then Jessica, Penny and Olivia read it and a hush descends over the office in reverence at Elizabeth's amazing writerly writing. No, really.

There was a silence as the four girls finished reading Elizabeth's article. For a moment none of them spoke.

Then Penny, the editor, is like, it's perfect, no changes, front page! Because you DO NOT EDIT ELIZABETH WAKEFIELD. Sexy ol' Roger Collins then comes in and also says it's great and then they all have a big conversation about how people on drugs need help and Jessica comes to the realisation that Molly shouldn't be treated like it's all her fault.

After school, Justin goes to Molly's house but her mother won't let him see Molly because she's grounded and when he's back at home, Elizabeth calls and says she has a feeling that something is wrong and tells him about seeing Molly with her wads of cash earlier. Justin immediately realises that Molly is planning on running away, so he picks Liz up from her house and they head over to the Hecht's just in time to see Molly getting into her mother's car alone with a big backpack and taking off up the road. They follow her and end up in the Kelly's car park, and see Buzz emerging from the shadows to meet her and put her bag in his car. Justin tells Liz to go to the payphone and call the cops to tell them to be out at old route seven, as that's an old deserted highway that Justin correctly reckons they'll be taking out of town. He follows the car as they leave Kelly's and once Buzz and Molly realise they're being followed, a car chase ensues on the old highway, ending with Justin overtaking Buzz's car and blocking off the road so they have to stop.

Buzz gets out of the car and starts shouting at Justin, Molly also gets out and tells him to go, that it's her decision to leave, but Justin talks her around and she runs to him. Buzz then tries to take her bag with the money in it and when Justin stops him, Buzz pulls out a knife and lunges for him. He misses and they fight, Justin manages to knock the knife out of Buzz's hand and they bate the heads off each other until the cops eventually arrive on the scene.

The following day, Molly pops into the Oracle office and thanks Elizabeth, who had arrived on the scene last night with Jeffrey once he picked her up from outside Kelly's and had comforted Molly while she was in shock from the whole ordeal. Molly says she's going to straighten her life out and that she wants to do well in school. Also, Mr Collins told her that if she really gets her act together, he'd nominate her for the Regina scholarship the following year and Elizabeth says that Regina's family would be delighted.

A moment of true friendship passed between the two girls, and Molly smiled gratefully.

True friendship my arse, I'd bet a tenner that these two never have another meaningful encounter for the rest of the hundred million books in this series.

Notable outfit:
Not a single one. Everyone was too depressed to wear anything fun.

Things I counted:
Number of pages: 152
References to the twins' blue-green eyes: 2 (TWO? That's only one eye per twin, come on guys!)
References to the fact that the twins are blonde: 5
 

Sweet Valley High Revisited - Super Edition: Malibu Summer

It's time for another Super Edition and it's a woefully out-of-season one, but here we are. There's another two that I have to get to after having skipped them all to get to the Regina Morrow drama but I might come back to the regular storyline before that. Anyway, these Wakefield bints have some summertime shenanigans to get to, so let's crack on.

Sweet Valley High Super Edition: Malibu Summer


It's summertime and the Wakefield twins are hanging out at the beach, being all sexy and tanned, with their blonde hair apparently giving them away as "California girls", because if you've got dark hair and claim to be a California girl you're clearly a goddamn liar. Looking at you, Katy Perry. Elizabeth is planning on applying for an internship with the Sweet Valley News for the holidays but Jessica wants to go to Malibu to work as a "mother's helper", which sounds positively Victorian but seems to just mean babysitter. It's what Lila is doing for the summer (apparently her dad thinks a summer job will be character-building), but Ned and Alice won't let Jessica go unless Elizabeth goes too. Needless to say, the smallest amount of pestering makes Liz roll over and decide to go to Malibu after all and do the internship next summer instead, on the condition that Jessica organises the jobs and interviews.

For some reason, the lady in charge of the nanny company is very excited to have twins working for her and tells Jessica that they have two placements left in Malibu. One is with a family called the Sargents, who have a baby and other is with a family called the Bennets who have a daughter that other nannies have complained about because she's a brat. Jessica finds out that the Sargents are cousins of rock star and teen actor sensation Tony Sargent and bagsies that position for herself, while reasoning that Elizabeth will enjoy a challenge and sticks her with the nightmare kid. However, the weekend of the interviews with the families clashes with Jessica's weekend away at cheerleading camp (and truly, this book should have been set at that very cheerleading camp, because that would have been way more fun) so she persuades Elizabeth to go on her own and pretend to be Jessica for the meeting with the Sargents after doing her own one. Elizabeth drives up to Malibu and it turns out that the Bennets are fabulously wealthy and live in a spectacular villa right on the beach with a tennis court, an indoor gym and a swimming pool, but the family setup is weird and the parents, Malcolm and Audrey, are never really around so she ends up being interviewed by a woman called Maria who works for them. Then she meets their daughter Taryn, who is sullen and withdrawn and is clearly going to be a lot of work. Elizabeth then heads over to meet Josh and Lucy Sargent, who live in a cramped little house, but are nice people. Jessica is going to have to sleep in the baby's tiny room as the guest room is full of boxes and stuff they don't have the space to unpack and Elizabeth thinks about how generous it was of Jessica to take the job in the tiny crammed house and let Elizabeth take the one that will have her staying in a private wing of a mansion, because she's clearly never actually met her sister who obviously had no idea this would be the case.

The twins get the jobs and head off to Malibu and Jessica's heart sinks when she sees where she has to stay, particularly when she meets the baby, Sam, who screams and wails the first time she holds him. Jessica and Lila hit the beach, later joined by Elizabeth with Taryn in tow. Lila's job is a walk in the park, as all she has to do is play with the little boy she's minding and his nurse does everything else, so her real concern for the summer ahead is finding herself a sexy older man, as she's decided that boys her and Jessica's age aren't sophisticated enough for her. Jessica eyes up a hot jogger on the beach and Elizabeth informs her that he's called Cliff Sherman and is a neighbour of the Bennets. He comes over to say hello and invites the three of them to a party he's throwing on Saturday for a friend of his who's in town to visit him. Jessica decides that she absolutely has to convince Elizabeth to switch jobs with her, so she can get to know Cliff better and get out of the cramped little Sargent house, particularly since finding out that Josh hasn't seen his cousin Tony in three years so he isn't likely to be dropping over anytime soon.

It turns out that Josh and Lucy are busy the night of Cliff's party and need Jessica to mind Sam, so she's devastated and tells Elizabeth about it, who volunteers to babysit instead so Jessica can go, as she doesn't mind missing it. Taryn continues to be grumpy and makes it pretty clear that she hates Elizabeth. Girl, I feel you. Liz thinks that she's just acting out because she's unhappy and lonely as her parents are cold and distant and don't seem to like each other very much. Or maybe she just doesn't like you, Liz. On one of their trips to the beach, Jessica gets annoyed with Taryn and tells her some silly stories about what happens to wicked little girls, namely getting eaten by a giant frog or turned into a dollar bill and spent. Taryn is fascinated and warms to Jessica, asking her to tell her more secrets and it's the first time Elizabeth has seen her being anything but a little brat. Meanwhile, Lila is windsurfing with a guy called Ben from San Francisco who she met at the mall and he seems all mature and cool and looks like he's about eighteen or nineteen and they're getting along wonderfully. On their next date, Lila asks him if he's in college in San Francisco and he gets all cagey and tries to change the subject, but Lila pushes the matter and he eventually tells her he's in high school and is only fifteen. Lila is upset at first, but only really because she knows that Jessica is going to give her a hard time after all her older man talk. She asks if he'll come to Cliff's party with her, but if he could pretend to be older in front of her friends. Unfortunately that's not going to fly as it turns out he's the friend that Cliff is having the party for so most of the people there will know him already.

It's the night of Cliff's shindig and Elizabeth is getting ready to head over to the Sargent's house to babysit Sam.

She slipped into her navy-blue cardigan. A quick glance in the mirror proved that she looked nice. 

Jesus, that was a close one. It's ok everyone, Elizabeth is STILL PRETTY. CRISIS AVERTED, STAND DOWN. She gets to the house and Lucy realises that she and Josh forgot to tell Liz that a friend of theirs called Jamie Galbraith will be arriving later on that evening to stay with them a day earlier than expected and just to let him in and tell him to make himself at home. Liz reads a book while Sam is asleep and then Jamie turns up. He's a cute 21 year old student at Yale who wears wire rimmed glasses and is majoring in English and the two of them get on like a house on fire. He puts on a Nina Simone album and asks Liz to dance with him in the sitting room which sounds entirely cringe, but Liz is into it and into him too but also thinks he's too old for her.

Sixteen must seem a little young to a junior in college.

It is. But try telling that to your brother.

Despite her reservations about the difference in their ages, Elizabeth agrees to meet him the following Monday on her day off at the Beach Café. At the party, Jessica is having a wonderful time, between dancing with Cliff and finding out that Lila's new mystery man is only fifteen. When she gets back to the house after the party, Elizabeth fills her in on the new houseguest, who has gone to bed at this stage, but leaves out that part about their upcoming date or that she fancies him. Monday rolls around and Liz meets Jamie at the cafe, and tells him that she's torn because she doesn't think her parents will approve and she'd feel terrible doing something they wouldn't agree with. She tells him that nothing can ever come of them seeing each other and that if they do it'd only be "for now" and also tells him not to let Jessica know about them.

Then we switch to Jamie's point of view and discover that - gasp! - he's actually seventeen year old Tony Sargent in disguise. He's in hiding after getting involved with some bird called Lisa who turned out to have a jealous ex-con boyfriend called Frankie who's now coming after Tony and managing to evade the cops while he's at it. Tony's agent, a dude called Jody, suggested a disguise and the plan to hide out in a nondescript part of Malibu.

Jody hired the best makeup men in Los Angeles to help Tony with his disguise. His hair was dyed brown and cut short. Dark-tinted contact lenses and wire-rim glasses toned down his eyes and made him look more intellectual. 

Yeah, hair dye and glasses, a feat that could only be performed by the BEST OF THE BEST. Tony is smitten with Elizabeth and thinks she's really special because she likes him for who he is and not because he's a super famous pop star and actor, so they continue to meet up in secret. Jessica thinks this Jamie guy is super annoying because he gets a kick out of winding her up, but particularly when he's pacing around the house and interrupting her makeout sessions with Cliff in the living room.

Jessica looks like she's on the prowl for a millionaire husband to murder and I have to say, I'm into it.

Taryn overhears her fancy parents having a blazing row, during which Malcolm tells Audrey that she never should have had a child (I suppose she made that happen all on her own then, eh pal?), Audrey accuses him of thinking that their marriage is a waste and then Malcolm storms out. That evening, Elizabeth and Maria think Taryn is coming down with a fever. She's also really upset and Elizabeth eventually gets it out of her that she thinks her parents hate each other and her, too. Liz tries to console her but Taryn secretly decides she's going to run away to her grandparents in Nebraska so she packs her little suitcase with some clothes and her doll and hides it under her bed for the following day.

Elizabeth is meeting Jamie/Tony at the Beach Cafe again and there's a weather warning for a storm that's about to hit Malibu, making this the second Super Edition out of four to involve a big thunderstorm as part of climactic events. Taryn sneaks out of the house while Maria is on the phone and as the storm gets worse, Jessica drops over to check on Elizabeth because her twin sense is tingling and she's worried because the house is right on the beach. When Maria answers the door and tells Jessica that Elizabeth is out with a friend, they decide that they should take Taryn and get out of the house to somewhere safer, only to discover that she's nowhere to be found. Maria realises she must have run away after hearing her parents fighting, so they call the police and take Jessica's car to go look for her. The cops have had a report of a little girl seen near some bridge so they head out to meet them there and find Taryn cowering on a broken footbridge that's about to be swept away or blown away or something equally dramatic. The cops are on the scene and trying to get her to come towards them as the remaining bit of platform is so flimsy, but she's too scared to move. The wind and rain snap some of the boards off the platform and it's about to give way, so Jessica leans out towards her, held by a cop, and tells her another wicked little girl story to coax her over. It works and Jessica manages to grab Taryn just as the bridge falls apart and they all rush to the hospital. Audrey and Malcolm turn up and the shock of what happened gets them to cop on to themselves and actually realise they should spend time with their daughter. The doctors are worried about Taryn's fever and tell the Bennets and Jessica that;

"She needs to want to make it. I don't know how else to put it, but we see it again and again in cases like this. If any of you can think of some way to help give her the will to come through..."

What is the deal with doctors in this series? That is not a diagnosis! "If you can't talk your daughter out of her illness, then her death is YOUR fault." It's Annie Whitman's suicide attempt all over again, where the only reason she came out of a coma was because Jessica deigned to let her be a cheerleader. That really happened, guys. Jessica looks out the window and sees that the sky is clearing up.

The storm outside was almost over, she thought bitterly. But the storm inside was only just beginning.

Yesss Jessica, now bite your fist and serve that soap opera realness.

Meanwhile, as the storm was raging, some dude calls to Josh and Lucy's house, claiming to be Tony's manager. Lucy assumes it's about the scary guy that's after Tony and tells the man that he's at the Beach Cafe. However, that guy was actually Frankie LaSalle, who found out about Josh and Lucy from Jody's secretary and is now on his way to murder Tony, or stab him a bit or something. Josh and Lucy only realise what's happened when the real Jody turns up to warn Tony that Frankie is in Malibu. They call the cops and rush out to the Beach Cafe, hoping to get there in time before anything terrible happens. While all this is going on, Liz and Secret Tony have been trapped in the Beach Cafe with two waiters and the manager as the storm was too bad to leave. Just when Secret Tony was about to reveal his identity to Elizabeth, Frankie bursts in with a knife and starts calling him Sargent and threatening him, and Elizabeth is like "wtf lads", but then Frankie lunges with the knife and the two guys tussle a bit until Liz wallops Frankie with a pewter vase and knocks him out. The cops turn up and take Frankie away and Tony's arm was cut by the knife so they go to hospital while Elizabeth comes to terms with Jamie's true identity. Tony apologises to her and tries to explain himself but Elizabeth is all upset because the guy she liked "didn't exist". Only Elizabeth would be upset that the dude she's dating was actually a celebrity. Negative craic.

They arrive at the hospital and run into Jessica, so she and Elizabeth each fill the other in on everything that happened. Jessica is astonished that Jamie has actually been Tony this whole time and can't believe she missed her chance with him. They go to see Taryn and Jessica tells Audrey about the wicked little girl stories she's been telling her all summer, so Audrey makes one up and tells it and Taryn comes around and is suddenly going to be just fine and also all of Malcolm and Audrey's marital problems have evaporated thanks to the ol' Wakefields-fixing-stuff magic.

Tony invites the twins and Lila and all their Malibu pals to a charity concert he's suddenly performing at and he tries to win Liz back but she doesn't see a future for them because their lives are so different. They all go to the concert and Tony sings a song about his "Summer Girl" (unfortunately the lyrics don't go like this) and Elizabeth is all sad but happy that they had their time together and that's it.

The next Super Edition better up it's game. Come on, people.

Notable outfit:
Jessica attended the interviews for the babysitting jobs in Elizabeth drag, which is always enjoyable and this time involved "a striped, button-down shirt and matching blue skirt", but it doesn't even come close to Lila Fowler's beachwear.

She slithered out of her sun dress, revealing a leather-look maillot that Elizabeth privately thought far too mature for her.

Oh WHATEVER, Elizabeth. God, she wouldn't know a good look if it slapped her in the head.

Things I counted:
Number of pages: 199
References to the twins' blue-green eyes: 6
References to the fact that the twins are blonde: 6