The Cat's Miaow - Catwoman On Screen #2

It's time for the second part of my Catwoman's-first-appearance-in-Batman recap! (Part One is here.) Let's see how this goes.

(Also, I'm still scrambling for likes on my new Facebook page. Stop judging me!)


When we last left the Caped Crusader, he was Robin-less and faced with two doors, behind one is a ferocious Batman-eating tiger and behind the other is the fierce as fuck Catwoman.

However, Batman has chosen the wrong door, unleashing a fearsome (but actually sort of sleepy-looking) tiger! They swat at each other for a bit, and Batman pulls out some sort of Bat-claws that he uses to scale the wall of the room. Catwoman taunts him over the intercom, with: "It's been a long time between bites for Tinkerbell." Never one to let the chance of a public service announcement slip by, Batman replies: "You should take better care of him, Catwoman. After all, pets are a responsibility." Tinkerbell is clearly a girl-tiger's name, Batman. Cop on.

Hi there, Not Adam West!

Catwoman tells him she's off to deal with Robin, or "pluck his feathers", and signs off by saying "TTFN", before explaining that that means Ta-ta For Now. Catwoman was abbreviating before it was cool. You heard it here first.

Batman pulls some Bat Ear Plugs from his utility belt and "reverses the polarity on his communicator, then increases the audio modulation to about 20,000 decibels, knowing full well it will split the tiger's skull!" Wuh?

Come on, production designers. Someone's slacking off here.

All his fancy technical trickery actually does though is make the tiger lie down in a corner, giving Batman a chance to escape. He finds himself in a maze of passageways and marks his starting point by sticking this fucking FAB glittery Bat-Sticker on the wall.

Snazzy!

While Batman is dicking around getting lost in the passages, Catwoman has sprinkled catnip all over Robin and balances him over a tiger pit, with a needlessly complicated system of sand and weights that will drop him into it when the sand runs out, or something. I suppose just tossing him directly to the tigers and being done with it simply isn't as dramatic. Catwoman then leaves while he's dangling there and Julie Newmar is just MADE of gleeful sass for the entirety of these episodes, quite clearly having tons of fun and miaowing as she exits the room.


Batman finally comes to a window overlooking the scene of Robin's impending demise and uses his Batarang to heroically swing down to Robin and help him off the tilting plank thing, so they can smack some henchmen around. They manage to overpower the bad guys and leave them tied up for Chief O'Hara to pick them up, but one gets away.


Back in the Batcave, the Caped Crusader has brought the golden cat statues from Catwoman's lair and tries to figure out what the markings on the back of each of them means. After a quick perusal of the History of Gotham City, Volume II, Batman discovers that when put together, the markings on the cats form a map to the lost treasure of legendary pirate Captain Manx. And where does he keep his Gotham history books? On the Bat-Research shelf, of course! One of the many things I enjoy about this series is that EVERYTHING IS LABELLED. EVERYTHING.


They also figure that they should be able to locate Catwoman from the radioactive spray they covered one of the statues in, as she had it with her for so long. I suppose that's one way to defeat your enemies, Batman. A slow death from radiation poisoning.

Batman switches on the Batometer and to stop it from picking up on all the radiation on the statues, Robin puts them into the lead-shielded compartment in the boot of the Batmobile. Of course it has a lead-shielded compartment, sure why wouldn't it?

They follow the Batometer to Catwoman, who has uncovered the treasure in a cave with her remaining henchman, Leo. "Now there's just two of us left to share it!" exclaims poor, foolish Leo. Catwoman gives him a look like she's about to eat him for dinner and says "Yeessssss. The two of us." and it's pretty clear where this is going for Leo.


Meanwhile, the Batmobile comes hurtling along the road to the cave, while landmines explode underneath it without managing to do any actual damage to the car or its passengers, due to its Bat-armour. Batman and Robin pull over when they see Catwoman's car and the van that Leo arrived in and find a trail of footprints. "Only one man has feet that big," deduces Robin, who must have memorised every secondary character's shoe size, and they follow the trail into the cave. They arrive just as Catwoman has sprayed Leo with some manner of knockout gas from the handle of her whip and is about to make off with the treasure.

They chase her through the cave, until she reaches a gorge. Batman tells her to stop and that she'll never make the jump while holding on to the bag of treasure, but she goes for it anyway because Catwoman don't listen to no man.


Unfortunately, she doesn't quite make it and ends up holding on to the ledge on the far side. Batman tries to get her to drop the bag and grab on to the rope he's about to throw to her, "Drop it Catwoman, otherwise you'll fall into that bottomless pit!" She does no such thing however, and ends up losing her grip, falling into the crevasse along with her bag of loot.

"Do you think she survived?" bleats Robin. "A cat is supposed to have nine lives," replies Batman, while they pick up a cat that's been left behind in the cave. So instead of conducting any kind of search for her, or indeed the treasure, which was supposed to go towards the orphans of Gotham, they just shrug and leave with the cat.


Back in Wayne Manor, and back to four tier chess (still don't know why), until Aunt Harriet comes barrelling in, carrying the aforementioned cat, calling it a thief because it stole the lobster she was making for dinner that evening. "It steals everything it can lay its paws on!" I love it. Even Catwoman's actual cat is a villain. Robin's reasoning: "You have to understand, Aunt Harriet, that cat comes from a broken home!" Robin is weird.

Anyway, that concludes Catwoman's first appearance in Batman.

TTFN.

The Cat's Miaow - Catwoman On Screen #1

Over the last while, The Bear and I have been working our way through the Adam West Batman series from the 60s. I was given the box set as a present a while ago and let me tell you, it is a DELIGHT. However, it was only over the weekend, in episode 19 of the first series, that Catwoman made her first appearance. And if there's one thing I love, it's a bit of Catwoman. As such, I've decided to take you through this most illustrious of episodes, aptly titled "The Purr-fect Crime".

***
Also, I've had to set up a new Facebook page for the blog, as I've been locked out of the account I had been using, due to my name not actually being Kitty Catastrophe in real life. Boo. So if you wouldn't mind liking this one, I'd appreciate it muchly!
www.facebook.com/redlemonadeblog 
***


Before we begin, I just want to point out how Catwoman looks in the cartoon titles of the show:


i.e. AMAZING. Look at that collar! The scowl! The mask! Love it. However, it's nothing like she looks in the show, so I do wonder if they just threw her into this title sequence well before figuring out how they were actually going to approach the character, considering it takes eighteen episodes before she turns up. Interestingly, it's actually not unlike how Catwoman currently looks in the DC comics universe. In any case, onto the episode in question!

We begin in the Gotham City museum, with a security guard patrolling in front of a golden cat statue. He hears a miaowing sound, and when he asks "What's that?", the reply is the business end of a whip, cracking the gun out of his hand, followed by a cat that's definitely just been thrown at his face by someone offscreen.

Our first glimpse of Catwoman is a gloved hand with claws so sharp they can slice open the glass cabinet containing the cat statue before reaching in and stealing it, because girlfriend is on-brand and don't you forget it.


In the next scene, Commissioner Gordon receives a kitten in the post, with a clue tied to its collar, leading him to believe that Catwoman, or The Catwoman, as they keep calling her in this episode, is after the fortune of the owner of the cat statue.

BAT-TIME.

Cut to Wayne Manor, where Bruce is schooling his young ward Dick Grayson in the ways of chess. Four-tier chess to be precise. I have no idea why. 


"It's actually quite rudimentary, Dick. You just have to think fourteen moves ahead." Helpful.

Commissioner Gordon summons Batman and Robin to his office, where he fills them in on Catwoman's plans, in which she's going to steal a matching golden cat statue from the Gotham Exposition. Before speeding away in the Batmobile to put a plan into action, Batman delivers a quick lecture on road safety to Robin, who hasn't fastened his Bat-Safety Belt. Bat-safety first, kids.

Also, the Bat-Safety Belts are pink! PINK! Stick that in your dour gritty remake FACE, Christopher Nolan!

Meanwhile, in a gauze-curtained lair, hidden in the Gato & Chat Fur factory, Catwoman plots with her tiger-stripe sporting henchmen, Leo and Felix. Julie Newmar enters the room with a crack of her whip, looking like fine-ass gold-leaf champagne. She's reading up on the lost treasure of Captain Manx and laughs maniacally to herself, with a miaow thrown in at the end, because #personalbrand


Batman and Robin arrive back to the Batcave, where they use the atomic reactor to charge up the Batmobile. Robin could use a bat-safety lecture here too though, as the big pipe he's plugged into the back of the car is leaking that shit everywhere.

Holy radiation poisoning, Batman!

Batman does a spot of chemistry with the beakers and tubes that appear to be constantly bubbling and giving off smoke in the Batcave, while wearing a pair of gloves OVER HIS GLOVES. BECAUSE OF COURSE.


He's preparing a radiation spray that they're going to coat the second cat statue with in order to track it. Who needs a regular old tracking device when you've got all this spare radiation lying around?

Batman and the Boy Wonder head to the Exposition, conscientiously insisting that they pay for their tickets "just like any other citizen" and lie in wait for Catwoman. After spraying the statue with the radiation-spray, of course. When Batman leaves Robin alone with the statue to check the exits ("I'll be back in three minutes and twenty seconds"), Catwoman strikes via the medium of another leaping cat, which again looks like someone has thrown it, knocking Robin unconscious because it was a POISONED CAT.

Let's just take a moment to appreciate Julie Newmar's face in that cat-mask.

Batman returns just in time to see Catwoman make off with the statue and set her henchmen on him. After some CRRAACK!ing and OOOF!ing, Batman sees an unconscious Robin tumbling out of a sarcophagus (and falling perfectly within the illuminated circle of a spotlight, because he gets it) and rushes to his aid, while Leo and Felix take off.


Luckily, Batman has Universal Antidote Pills in his utility belt, so he revives Robin and they set off to track the statue from the Batmobile's Batometer.

Back in her lair, Catwoman is putting a plan in place for Batman and Robin's arrival, as she's expecting them to follow her and the statue to the factory. She then dismisses her ludicrous henchmen, swiftly followed by:

"Oh and Felix? You can brush my pussy willows before you leave."

WAT. I don't think anyone but Julie Newmar could deliver that line.

Check out that sweet cat-phone!

The Caped Crusader and Boy Wonder arrive at the Gato and Chat Fur Company, opening the door with the Bat-beam, in case it's booby-trapped. It was, and a bit of it explodes when opened.

Robin: "Right again Batman, we could have been killed!
Batman: "Or worse."

Huh?

When they step inside, Catwoman informs them via intercom that she's got a wonderful evening planned for them and a trapdoor opens under their feet. Textbook villainy. The Dynamic Duo (there are so many different names for these guys) find themselves in a room with rapidly closing spiked walls, while Catwoman taunts them as she watches on a television screen.


Gasp! Bat-gasp! But wait! The spikes are made of rubber and Catwoman was just fucking with them! Oh that tricksy kitty. She then sends a big Hunger Games tube down from the ceiling around Robin and steals him away from Batman. "You feline devil!" Catwoman then reveals two doors for Batman to choose from. She's behind one, but the other will release "a ferocious Batman-eating tiger".

Batman thinks for a moment, and presses a button to open his chosen door. But UH OH! IT'S TIGER TIME. Will Batman survive a tiger? What will happen to Robin? So many questions!


 SAME CAT TIME, SAME CAT CHANNEL. YASS QUEEN.

Glamour and Glitter, Fashion and Fame! And A Bunch of Dudes In Charge

As surely everyone is aware by now - or at least everyone who'd be interested in such a thing - a live-action Jem and the Holograms film is in the works. (Also, thanks everyone who sent me links to the news, I kinda love that people associate me with Jem, Sweet Valley High and zombies. Three of the Best Things Ever.)

Anway, Jem! She of the truly outrageous pastel pink hair and blingy Eighties fashion and damn catchy songs and secret double life!

Me, on hearing the news.

I've written about the wonder that is Jem here before and have been hooring my way through episodes of it on Netflix, often while tweeting my appreciation of things like ALL OF THIS AMAZING ZEBRA PRINT.

Oh, The Misfits. Never change. And your songs ARE better.

However, the more I've heard about the film, the more cautious my excitement has become. In fact, you might say that I'm downright skeptical of the whole thing. One of the reasons for this is the bro trifecta that appear to be in charge of the endeavour.

Namely, Scooter Braun (Justin Bieber's manager), Jon M. Chu (director of two Bieber documentaries, Step Up 2: The Streets, GI Joe: Retaliation and other mediocre-at-best films with colons in their titles) and Jason Blum (producer of the Paranormal Activity franchise). HMMM.

Maybe it makes a kind of commercial, tweeny-pop sense for such Bieber-associated involvement, if that's the demographic they're hoping to snag with the film, but I can't help scrunching up my face at the very notion, seeing as Bieber is essentially the Joffrey Baratheon of this decade. Even Sansa Stark said so.

And considering that the majority of the show's existing fans are women around my age who think Bieber is an entitled little shithead who would benefit hugely from a root up the hole, I know I'm not alone in my unease about the whole thing.

Secondly, the original Jem creator and writer, Christy Marx has been left out of the whole process, which is some Grade A bullshit. So not only are a bunch of dudes taking over telling the story of Jem, Hasbro have shut out the WOMAN WHO CREATED IT.

I know, Donna. I know.

Considering how female-centric Jem and the Holograms is - an all-female band with a lead singer who's also a record executive and den mother to a home full of orphaned girls, not to mention the legit awesome all-girl rival band of punky bitches - why the hell aren't there any women involved in developing the movie?

I feel you, Kimber. Jem would have to hold me back too.

Also, they're "crowd sourcing creativity" for the film, with an open call for ideas for costumes, casting, songs and even audition tapes, as confirmed in their dumb announcement video, where one of them keeps randomly firing some kind of Nerf gun for no goddamn reason. Can you tell I'm not overly fond of them?



The "if you have a cool mom, she'll definitely know what it is" bit really rankled me for some reason. I think I told the video to fuck off at that point.

Anyway, I really want to be excited about a Jem film and maybe they'll get a whole bunch of female writers on board and it won't suck and it might turn out to be a really fun film, in which case I'll gladly stand corrected. But right now I'm apprehensive as hell.


I'll leave you with a Misfits classic. Good luck getting it out of your head for the next four days.

Hate The Freys, Not The Game

Since the emotional goddamn ROLLERCOASTER that was the latter half of series three of Game of Thrones, also known as the time George R.R. Martin trampled all over our feelings and punched us in the kidneys on his way out, I've been frantically horsing my way through A Storm of Swords, A Feast For Crows and now A Dance With Dragons in order to find out what the HELL happens next and it's all just so GODDAMN EXCITING.


As such, I've been wanting to write a post about it all, but there's no real point I want to make, so these are really just a bunch of my thoughts on the books, TV show and characters. Mostly because I just wanted the opportunity to call Joffrey a malevolent little fucker.

(Just so you know, I'm not going to give anything away past the point where the TV show finished up, so there'll be no book spoilers from me. Book spoiler people are the worst and I REFUSE TO BE THOSE PEOPLE.)

The Books

I have to say, I am absolutely loving the books so far. At first I thought I might end up being slightly bored or impatient with them when I knew what would happen next up to a point, having been so familiar with the TV series at that stage, but I found myself eating up all the extra details and back stories and characters that there just wasn't room for in the telly version.

I also learned that tourneys are sort of like the Westerosi version of a festival, as they mostly consist of lots of brightly coloured tents and people getting hammered in a field. Like Electric Picnic, but more murdery. The Oxegen of Westeros.


Before I started reading the series, I had heard a few people mention how overly descriptive the books are, how there's endless paragraphs about food and what everyone's wearing (boiled leather, mostly), and yeah, there is quite a bit of that but I'm actually really into it, especially the food stuff.

It's weird, because cookery shows bore the living fuck out of me, but for some reason I love knowing exactly what everyone's eating, whether there's grease dripping down their fingers or not and what EXACTLY the wild boar or lark or trout was roasted with. It's like one big medieval Marks & Spencer food porn ad.


And anyway, it's not nearly as bad as The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, which could spend anything up to two solid pages at a time listing furniture that Lisbeth Salander bought in Ikea. Now THAT shit was boring.

The TV Show

Here's the thing about the TV show. If you've only watched it once and haven't read the books, go back and watch it again RIGHT NOW. It gets even better the second (and third!) time you watch it, as this time around you're not wondering who the hell this person is and why these people don't seem to get along and just what the flip a maester is when he's at home. This time you can actually just enjoy it and end up noticing a heap of things that passed you by the first time.

It took a second viewing for me to realise that I didn't have a fucking clue what was going on the first time I watched it. I was so busy getting my head around the eleventy million houses of Westeros that I didn't even register Theon Greyjoy and what his deal was until the second series, when he dropped the hand on his sister. I was genuinely surprised to see that he'd been knocking around Winterfell all through the first series while re-watching.

Also, you're a dick.

The fact that there's so many Irish actors in it and so much of it is filmed in Belfast means that spotting certain characters out and about in Dublin can happen surprisingly often. You just don't get that with Mad Men or Breaking Bad or True Blood. So far I've seen Joffrey, Ser Jorah and Bronn out and about in the city.

It's a weird feeling seeing Joffrey in real life. I know that Jack Gleeson is meant to be a totally lovely guy in real life and I'm sure he is (I mean, look at him messing with this pug puppy for God's sake! A pug puppy!) but Joffrey is just such an unrelentingly malevolent little fucker (yay!) in the show, that when he's walking past you minding his own non-sociopathic business the urge to kick him in the shins or at least glower at him is disconcertingly strong. The poor guy. I'm suddenly beginning to understand those old ladies you hear about who accost soap opera villains in the street, shouting at them for being such terrible people.

I actually saw Jorah and Bronn within minutes of each other while a few of us were standing outside The Stag's Head last year, which led to excited speculation about the potential of a secret cast party happening somewhere in the city centre and a brief temptation to follow them. Gotta catch 'em all. (We didn't follow them. That would be creepy.)

The Excellent Female Characters

As well as making for addictive viewing and reading, Game of Thrones features some brilliant female characters and unlike certain other shows *cough*THEWALKINGDEAD*cough*, there's loads of room for more than one strong woman at a time. (I'm still raging with that show for making Andrea into a headwrecking gowlbag as soon as Michonne came on the scene. Dicks.)

Dammit George, get over here so I can give you a big feminist hug.

Anyway, in the Seven Kingdoms and across the Narrow Sea we've got:

Daenerys Targaryen - Stormborn, the Unburnt, Mother of Dragons and GODDAMN KHALEESI OF THE GREAT GRASS SEA.

Asha Greyjoy (or Yara Greyjoy on telly) - fearsome pirate queen and badass maritime motherfucker.

Cersei Lannister - okay she's riding her brother and an AWFUL wagon but you have to admit that she's one bad bitch who gets shit done. Nobody can wield a backhanded compliment like the Lioness of Casterly Rock.

Brienne of Tarth - kickass knight, excellent with a sword and won the fuck out of a tourney melee against a bunch of dudes. (Who, by the way, is an utter knockout in real life.)

Arya Stark - ferocious she-wolf hellbent on revenge, destined for utter greatness and takes absolutely no shit.


That's before we even get near Catelyn Stark's steely resolve, Shae's wily resourcefulness or Margaery eye-fucking and power-dressing her way to queendom. Not to mention the awesomely acid-tongued Lady Olenna aka the Dowager Countess of Highgarden and Sansa Stark, who (to drag out the Downton Abbey comparison) is sort of the Lady Edith of the show - the ginger girl you don't really like all that much to begin with, but before you know it you're 100% rooting for her and digging her quiet strength. Oh AND wildling Ygritte not giving a single fuck, being handy with with a spear and the absolutely magical way she says Jon Snow.


The Ridebags

So, yes, the characters in the series, both male and female, are great and complex and flawed and in some cases just trying to get along as best they can in the fucked up realm of Westeros. But allow me to lower the tone somewhat by saying DAMN there are some total foxes in this series. And in fairness, the show is pretty much an equal opportunites deal in terms of whose ass you get to see, which makes a nice change from the usual naked lady/fully dressed dude trope, like the skeezy Blurred Lines video or the People of the Year series of GQ covers from last year.


As well as typically gorgeous people, (i.e. Jaime Lannister and the big Disney prince head on him and Daenerys being ridiculously beautiful) it also provides an array of weird and slightly guilty crushes, like Sandor Clegane and Roose Bolton, and those are always fun. I'd also just like to point out what a difference a few years and change of hair colour makes in the case of Iain Glen. Villain in Tomb Raider? Move along, unappealing oily-haired man. Ser Jorah? BACK THAT FINE ASS UP, MORMONT. No friendzone for you. A touch of face cragginess did him the world of good.

So what I'm really wondering now is what the hell I'm going to do when I run out of books to read. Oh, who am I kiddding, it'll probably be a fourth go at series one and onwards.

Night of the Running Dead

So the trailer for World War Z has landed and is making its way around the internet at a pace almost as fast as the fucking RUNNING zombies in the forthcoming film.


I love World War Z. I was properly scared while reading it and the Bear had to put up with me whimpering and gasping "oh nooooo!" while I read, as did a train carriage full of people who probably thought I was mental. It's one of my favourite books and when you know that one of your favourite books is being made into a film, you kind of have to lower your expectations and will pretty much always end up being one of those dickheads that moans about the book being better.



I get that a book like World War Z would be impossible to film without making huge changes and that's fine, but my problem is with the fast zombies in the trailer. The book manages to pull off this growing sense of dread as the world starts to get overrun by the undead, and it's that build-up of terror that proper zombies are all about. Zombies are scary because, yes, they're rotting, moving dead people and that alone is horrible enough, but it's the slow, creeping relentlessness that really scares the pants off me.

Fast zombies like the ones in 28 Days Later and the Dawn of the Dead remake aren't really zombies at all. They're rabid people infected with a virus, which is fine (although not for them, I suppose) but it does make them a different class of monster. The whole point of zombies is that they're dead. Simon Pegg pretty much nailed what I'm trying to say in a brilliant Guardian piece from a few years ago that he recently tweeted in response to people asking what he thought of the WWZ trailer:

"The speedy zombie seems implausible to me, even within the fantastic realm it inhabits. A biological agent, I'll buy. Some sort of super-virus? Sure, why not. But death? Death is a disability, not a superpower. It's hard to run with a cold, let alone the most debilitating malady of them all."

HEY ASSHOLES, THIS IS NOT THE ZOMBIE OLYMPICS. SLOW THE FUCK DOWN.

The TV version of The Walking Dead has done a great job of screen zombies, although I did get mad at them in one episode where they seemed to have the dexterity to climb over fences, which was total bullshit. As is the fact that Danny Trejo isn't playing the Governer, but that's besides the point. Aside from the fact that the fast zombie is a pretty big deviation from what the classic zombie is all about, my chances of survival would drop dramatically if I had to outrun the fuckers.

It'll be a shame if the film leaves out the worldwide character plotlines from the book and just shows Brad Pitt running around and saving his family, as that was what made it so enjoyable in the first place. Seeing the ways in which each country dealt with the outbreak, the Battle of Yonkers, Israel's self-quarantine plan, North Korea's population disappearing underground, so we don't know if there's a functioning human city beneath the country or if there's a fuck-ton of shambling Korean zombies down there are all things that added extra layers of delicious detail to the usual people vs. zombies story. Also, seeing as I'm not sold on the film having FAST HOORING ZOMBIES (to quote the lovely Dawn) in the first place, I'm not entirely convinced on the swarming tsunami of CGI zombies climbing up a huge wall and toppling a bus like a wriggly herd of dead bastards either.

I'll still go to see it when it comes out and I'm looking forward to seeing how they tackle the story, but basically what I'm getting at is that fast zombies can go fuck themselves.

The Walking Women

***

AOOGA! SPOILER ALERT! 

If you haven't already seen series one and two of The Walking Dead and don't want it ruined for you then I suggest you skip this post. There's other ones there in the circles on the sidebar a bit further down that are about girls jumping out of cakes and Catwoman and fashion in Star Trek and all kinds of other stuff. Try some of those instead!

***

As you probably know by now, I quite enjoy a zombie tale or two, even though they scare the actual pants off me. I've been voraciously tearing my way through The Walking Dead comic series, whispering "Oh noooo!" to myself and quietly whimpering in fear as I turn the next page. If it was a pop-up book I'd probably have a heart attack. So naturally, the Bear and I watched the first two seasons of the TV show. Which I also enjoyed quite a lot, and yet there was something bothering me. Something other than Carl aka The Dumbest Child in the World aka "For Fuck's SAKE Carl!", who, incidentally is actually kind of cool and not the least bit annoying in the comic.


The something in question here is the bloody rampant sexism in the show. It's something that creeps into the comics too, which I have to say I didn't really notice while reading, but looking back on it there are quite a few instances of patriarchal bullshit. Such as Glenn remarking that there's "not that many women to go around". What the hell, Glenn? Women to go around? The women you speak of are participants in surviving the goddamn zombie apocalypse, just like you, not inanimate supplies or tins of beans to be distributed amongst the menfolk, you fuck. And I actually like Glenn. Most of the time. Although in the TV show, he did ask Dale if all the (understandably frazzled - what with the impending threat of zombies wanting to eat their faces) women were on their period at the same time, because, y'know, bitches be crazy and all.

Shut up Glenn.

Among those women survivors is Lori Grimes, wife of group leader Rick and mother to "For Fuck's SAKE Carl!". Comic book Lori undergoes something of a transformation, as at first she looks to be decidedly Native American but eventually morphs into a more Caucasian version of herself.


She's Rick's voice of reason and while she's not a particularly stand out character, she's not even half as awful as TV show Lori. TV show Lori is nagging, self righteous and generally an allstar pain in the hole. She gets up in everyone else's business and berates Andrea for having the cheek to not do all the washing up, childminding and laundry with all the other wimmin and wanting to guard the camp and shoot zombies in the face. Because it's not like EVERY DAMN PERSON in the camp should be learning to defend themselves and evenly dividing the group's duties between them. Oh no, according to Lori "the men can handle it anyway, they don’t need you". Go fuck yourself, Lori.


Andrea's a total badass in the comic books. She becomes the best shot in the group and keeps them all safe in her role as a superhero sniper. However, in the TV show, she has Dale confiscate her gun because he's decided she can't be trusted not to top herself, while For Fuck's Sake Carl!, a ten year old idiot, is allowed to carry a gun. She has angry sex with Shane, who is the kind of person who tried to rape Lori earlier on in the first series and then she shoots Darryl after mistaking him for a zombie. OH THAT SILLY WOMAN.

Further instances of the TV show females being lame include Carol clinging to her abusive husband and once he's killed off, clinging onto Darryl like a barnacle with very short grey hair and opts out of making any sort of decision when the group is trying to vote on what to do with their prisoner. Maggie entered the show swinging a baseball bat at the undead while galloping along on horseback, like a zombie-slaying superstar and now she's a hysterical mess, flinging Lori's morning after pills at her in in a rage shouting "Here's your abortion pills!" as part of a grim little pro-life slant. I mean, yes, she and Glenn got jumped by an undead bastard while on their run to the chemist, but that outburst and subsequent storyline (Rick being super angry at Lori for even considering the abortion attempt) rang pro-life to me. And if a zombie apocalypse isn't reason enough not to go through with a pregnancy then I'm fucked if I know what is.

There IS a ray of hope though. A katana-wielding, bandana-wearing, stone cold ass-kicking ray of hope. When Andrea was scrambling through the woods in the finale of the second series, she was saved from being an imminent zombie snack (zombie bag of Tayto, perhaps) by a mysterious hooded figure leading two armless, jawless walkers with chains around their necks. The hooded figure in question here is Michonne, and her entrance is super exciting, as she and Andrea are easily the strongest female characters in the comic series.


Danai Gurira has been cast in the role, so hopefully she'll be able to pull off Michonne's immesurably cool and devastating approach to zombie chopping and generally taking care of business.

Because this here on the left is how awesome Michonne is.

Somehow I don't see Lori lecturing Michonne on how she's supposed to be washing socks with her and Carol instead being amazing at decaptitating walkers. All that being said, I really do enjoy the show, the zombies are brilliantly done and spectacularly scary and I do like the fact that the storyline veers away from the comics from time to time, otherwise there'd be no surprises for the readers. I just wish the writers would cop the fuck on when it comes to the female characters and with Michonne and her giant can of whoop-ass, hopefully that's what will happen.

Back To School

I can't remember what I was looking for online when I came upon these images. Whatever it was, it ended up being quickly sidelined, as all my attention had now shifted to this shiny new distraction. The distraction in question being the concept art for Gotham High, an abandoned idea for a Batman cartoon set in high school. Artists Jeff and Celeste published the images on their blog last year, explaining that they were asked to develop the idea, which was based on a drawing they had previously sent to DC Comics. The project never got off the ground, but they came up with some rather deadly images for it.


I love me some Harley Quinn (when she's done properly, that is), so I got quite excited when I saw the kick ass poster above, which was the original drawing and starting point for the idea. The rest of the Gotham High artwork shows a teenage Bruce Wayne and Barbara Gordon surrounded by the usual array of Gotham rogues very nicely rendered as high school students.

Click to enlarge. Do it!

The online reaction to the idea was mostly that of Batfans getting all cross and shouting about what a terrible idea it was and how glad they were that it'll never get made. Which seemed a bit harsh. Their biggest problem with it was that it ignores the history of so many of the characters, but seeing as comic universe back stories are always evolving and being rewritten to suit different demands, I think we should all just calm the fuck down and put our pants back on. The show isn't going to be made, so these just offer a fun new spin on established characters in the Batman canon.


Barbara Gordon (Batgirl) is the cute, bespectacled girl next door, Bruce is all handsome and mysterious, Scarecrow is an indie hipster type and Selina Kyle (Catwoman - yay!) is the femme fatale troublemaker. OBVIOUSLY. 


I quite like the look that was given to Catwoman. I'm always in favour of purple hair though - as if I needed another reason to love her - and the leopard print skirt is a nice touch to her bad girl outfit.


The Joker appears pretty much the same as he does in the poster, but Harley is toned down a notch, with no facepaint or side-torso to be seen. She still looks great though, her expression is equal parts endearing and mental. Pamela Isley (Poison Ivy) is a hot green-skinned goth chick, Bane is a wrestler jock and Mr. Freeze is a baldy cool guy.


I wouldn't have thought that being a cheerleader would quite fit with the goth girl role that Poison Ivy was cast in, but I do love this picture of her and Harley Quinn as black-clad cheer squad members. Catwoman is obviously too cool to be a cheerleader. She's probably around the back of those tiered bleachers smoking a fag. I do actually think this could have been a great cartoon, like X Men: Evolution, but more fun. There are more images over on the Jeff and Celeste site and I suggest you have a look at them, because they're brilliant.