Thursday, November 26, 2015

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery 3 (Vol. 12)

I'm off work sick today, which to be perfectly honest is the only reason I've managed to crank out this week's post. While at home and coughing like a dying girl in a Victorian BBC drama, because I'm that sound.

(Catch up: Volumes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 and 11.)

The next chapter begins with Ana in the hospital, unable to open her eyes and overhearing Christian talking to a doctor and asking about the baby, who is fine, and Christian is relieved.

He wants the baby. Oh thank God. I relax, and unconsciousness claims me once more, stealing me away from the pain.

And then Ana wakes up and is fully informed of everything that has happened in the intervening time since she passed out.

Of course not! First we have to endure SEVEN FURTHER POINTLESS VIGNETTES in which Ana wakes up and then loses consciousness again, locked in an epic battle against...

As I surface from the fog, consciousness hovers, a seductive siren just out of reach.

The fog closes in.

The fog lifts but I have no sense of time.

Dad! He’s here. I fight the fog...fight... But I spiral down once more into oblivion. No...

The fog surrounds me once more, and I’m dragged down...down. No!

Ooh that lousy fog, with its murderin' sailor ghosts! No wait, different fog. Pity.

While Ana is busy providing us with these not at all annoying snatches of dumb conversations we discover things, such as the fact that Mia is recovering from being roofied, Grace has given out to Christian for being an asshole, Elizabeth is telling the cops everything and then lots of bits with Christian sounding anguished. There's also this exchange between Ana's stepfather Ray and Christian:

“If you don’t take her across your knee, I sure as hell will. What the hell was she thinking?”
“Trust me, Ray, I just might do that.”

My face almost got stuck like this.

And then Detective Clark tries to interview an unconscious woman:

“Detective, as you can see, my wife is in no state to answer any of your questions.”
Christian is angry.
“She’s a headstrong young woman, Mr. Grey.”

Ana finally fucking wakes up properly, putting an end to this nonsense (or you know, this particular bit of nonsense seeing as there is nothing but wall-to-wall nonsense in this never ending book). Christian is there, of course, and Ana needs to pee. She tries to sit up, but she's weak, so Christian tells her to stay still and calls for a nurse while Ana still tries to sit up.

“Will you do as you’re told for once?” he snaps, exasperated.

Cool. She hasn't even been awake for a full minute and he's already exasperated. WHERE OH WHERE IS MY CHRISTIAN GREY, HE'S JUST SO GODDAMN FANICABLE.

The nurse comes in ("She must be in her fifties, though her hair is jet black. She wears overlarge pearl earrings." This bitch just doesn't miss a single opportunity, does she?) and tells Ana that she has a catheter, but Ana's like, ugh gross, I want to get up to pee, so the nurse is going to remove it for her.

"Mr. Grey I am sure Mrs. Grey would like some privacy.” She looks pointedly at Christian, dismissing him.
“I’m not going anywhere.” He glares back at her.

Ana has to literally beg him to leave the room, which he eventually agrees to.

“Fine!” he snaps and runs his hand through his hair. “You have two minutes,” he hisses at the nurse.

Isn't it SEXY how he doesn't even pretend to entertain his wife's wishes? Isn't it SO HOT how he's so aggressively rude to the people who have been looking after said wife in the hospital, who work their fucking asses off and have to do so for ludicrously long hours, while having to deal with entitled, arrogant, ungrateful pricks like Christian Grey? It's all just SO FUCKING SEXY.

Also, fun fact, Christian "hisses" at people (mostly Ana) a total of 20 times in this book, leading me to believe that he's actually a giant snake disguised in a copper coloured wig. Like Chicken Boo, but a cunt.

Christian then barges back in, presumably after counting out the two minutes on his diamond Omega watch through gritted teeth while standing outside the door, and insists on taking Ana to the bathroom, instead of allowing the trained medical professional to do so, who protests the entire time. He lifts Ana up into his arms like the tiny pregnant baby that she is and carries her to the toilet.

“Mrs. Grey, you’re too light,” he mutters disapprovingly as he sets me gently on my feet.

Yeah, you should definitely get on her case about her weight immediately after her being in a fucking coma. He then won't leave the bathroom when Ana asks him to, and tries to make her pee while he stands there, staring at her. He eventually agrees to stand at the open doorway with his back to her, and in real life I imagine the nurse would have called security by now to get this fucking asshole out of her way and away from the woman he's essentially harassing.

The nurse then checks out Ana's blood pressure and asks her how she's feeling. Ana's hungry, and Nurse Nora (surely she's Nurse Dye Job or Nurse Tacky Jewellery or something, no?) says that they'll have to get her doctor's approval before she can eat anything. So naturally, Christian calls Taylor and tells him to bring Ana some chicken soup, because he knows better than some dumb doctor. He even puts it in front of Ana while the doctor is with her, without checking if she can actually eat yet, because Christian is Master of the Universe and some woman doctor isn't going to tell him how to live. When they're alone, he tells Ana that what she did was both brave and stupid, but it must be mostly stupid because he's then really mad at her and tells her that Taylor is mad at her too, because she must not be feeling bad enough about trying to save Mia I suppose.

“I have died a thousand deaths since Thursday.”

Hmm? Oh nothing, just bits of the video for that song from the soundtrack of that other completely unrelated and not-really-that-similar series which this one certainly hasn't unashamedly ripped off.

Anyway, it turns out that Christian was able to find Ana and step in to rescue her in time (although it was probably Taylor doing all the rescuing and beating up the bad guys, let's be honest here) because she had borrowed the bank manager's phone, which was the one Elizabeth threw in the bin, while Ana's one was stashed with the bags of money, because it's really a good thing that Christian tracks Ana's whereabouts through her phone. When it's night and time for Ana to sleep, she gets Christian to climb into the hospital bed with her so they can sleep together and I can't imagine how fucking awkward and uncomfortable that would actually be, not least because Ana's hooked up to a goddamn IV, but I suppose their love heals all neck cricks and stabbing pains in your back from sleeping at a weird angle all night.

Christian is gone the next morning and Carrick comes to visit Ana to check on her and remind her that everyone is mad at her for saving Mia. Man, these guys must really hate Mia. Christian comes back, bringing Ana's breakfast with him and they talk about the fact that Ana's pregnant. Ana suggests that Blip might be a girl, so of course Christian has to have a weird fucking reaction.

 “Two women, eh?”
Alarm flashes across his face, and his dark look vanishes. Oh crap.
“Do you have a preference?”
“Boy or girl.”
He frowns. “Healthy will do,” he says quietly clearly disconcerted by the question.

Presuming he's disconcerted at the thought of a daughter because he'd need extra security if he's got another female subject to control and manipulate. And also a tower to build and a dragon-guard to hire. Christian changes the subject and reads the paper to Ana while she has breakfast. Detective Clark then comes a-knockin' for Ana's statement and Christian is so overly and unnecessarily hostile to him that any other cop would start to think this dude has something to hide.

“Mr. Grey, Mrs. Grey. Am I interrupting?” 
“Yes,” snaps Christian. 

“My wife should be resting.” Christian bristles. 

And it's certainly not the fact that he's a huge asshole, anyway.

When Ana is done recounting what happened with Jack, she's cleared to go home, but not before Christian privately chats to her doctor about whether or not he can fuck his wife for the next while, because remember, Christian's boner is the most important thing in the world. (They actually can't have sex for a while though.) They go to visit Ray on the way home, who picks up the Everyone Is Mad At Ana parade until they tearfully hug. In the car on the way to Escala, Christian tells Ana that his investigator guy Welch has found out something about Jack Hyde and is coming in from Detroit to tell him. Not that he just volunteered that information of course, first Ana had to ask what was wrong because he looked nervous. He'd actually never tell her anything if it wasn't for her constant, and as it turns out, quite necessary wheedling.

When they get home, Ana is suddenly overcome by everything that happened and breaks down in tears. Christian sits her down and she apologises between sobs "for everything. For making you worry, for risking everything - for the things I said." Christian then comes out with:

“I’m sorry. It takes two to tango, Ana.” 

Yeah and it only takes one inconsiderate wankstain to berate and storm out on his newly pregnant wife before completely avoiding her for two days. Dick. They take a shower together and Ana continues to cry and then has the worst possible epiphany.

And in that moment it occurs to me; any explanations on his part have to come from him. I can’t force him—he’s got to want to tell me. I won’t be cast as the nagging wife, constantly trying to wheedle information out of her husband. It’s just exhausting. I know he loves me. I know he loves me more than he’s ever loved anyone, and for now, that’s enough. 

Nope. Nooooope nope nope nope. This is a terrible idea and what did I literally JUST SAY about how her wheedling is actually necessary in this relationship? IS THIS THING ON?

Anyway, Christian then proceeds to wash Ana and his "anger is palpable" as his fingers skate over the big purple bruise on her hip, because he's the only one allowed to bruise his wife, you see.

 “I want to kill him. I nearly did,” he whispers cryptically. 

Yeah fucking right, Christian, we both know that Taylor was probably the one who did the actual ass kicking during that confrontation and is also someone who wouldn't put bruises all over his wife's tits so go fuck yourself. Afterwards, Ana wonders why Elizabeth went along with Jack's plan and Christian says he knows why, and swiftly tries to change the subject yet again, which Ana ignores and gives him her "tell-me-more expression" because WHEEDLING IS INTEGRAL IF SHE'S GOING KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON. Christian eventually tells her that Jack had videos of himself having sex with Elizabeth and all his PAs, which was somehow blackmail material? I don't see how that's the case, particularly if those women were coerced into it, so how does proof of their possibly being raped work as blackmail against them? Then again, we've pretty much given up on anyone's motivations making any sense at this stage of the game. Also, since coming home, Christian has gone out of his way to turn Ana on and then tell her no when she responds and it's all just so fucking unnecessary and stupid and typically controlling of him. I hope his dick falls off.

Ana take a nap and when she wakes up, Welch has just left and it turns out that Christian and Jack lived together for a few months after his mother died. They were with the same foster family for around two months before the Greys adopted Christian, but he doesn't remember any of it. Ana convinces him to call his parents as they'll be able to fill in the blanks for him, so they call over that evening with Mia in tow, who has also invited Kate, Ethan and Elliot and decided to make it a welcome home party for Ana with no fucking notice in a house that isn't hers. This is the kind of shit that makes your family wish that you hadn't been rescued from a hostage situation, Mia. Continuing in that vein, it's then Kate's turn to be mad at Ana. She then tells Ana that they've set a date for their wedding and it'll be May the following year, but Ana's like "uh oh, that's when I'm due, oops it's going to have to be all about me I guess" but doesn't tell Kate that she's knocked up.

When everyone has gone home, Christian tells Ana that some of the memories from that time are coming back to him and figures that Jack is trying to murder him and ruin his life because the Greys should have adopted him instead or something. It makes, like, no sense. When they're getting into bed, Christian then starts to tell Ana a "bedtime story", which is about sixteen year old Christan working in the back garden of the Lincoln's house and END CHAPTER BECAUSE HALF ASSED CLIFFHANGER.

Nearly there. So very nearly there.


  1. Omg!! I just saw the movie. Well. 14 minutes of it. Biggest pile of reeking dung ever!
    I need my 14 minutes back!!!!

  2. "Like Chicken Boo. But a cunt."
    I died laughing 😂

  3. Hoping you feel better soon, but also glad you were sick because these posts are the highlight of my week! Would be devastated to go a week without hearing about Ana and Christian's wacky adventures.

    Also when Christian hisses I picture him as Nagini inhabiting Bathilda Bagshot's body. Also as a cunt

  4. "You wear a disguise to look like human guys, but you're not a man, you're a Christian CUNT."



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