Thursday, November 12, 2015

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery 3 (Vol. 10)

Look at this! Two posts in one week! Ka-blammo!

And now, back to this drawn-out pile of bollocks.

(Catch up: Volumes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9.)

Ray has woken from his coma and Ana has reverted to being a toddler. "He’s back. My daddy is back." She proceeds to call him Daddy for the rest of their interactions, even though up until this point she only ever called him Ray, and while I know some women might still call their fathers Daddy even in their twenties, it's Ana so it's really fucking annoying. She goes out to the waiting room to tell Christian, who, after asking how he is, immediately comes out with:

"Now that he’s awake, I want to get him moved to Seattle. Then we can go home, and my mom can keep an eye on him."

Like...what? Pretty sure it's not actually your call there, Chrissypants. The man is literally just out of a coma and he's like "Right! Let's get the fuck out of here and move this severely injured man completely unnecessarily and away from his doctors!" Ana at least recognises that this might be a bit much.

“I’m not sure he’s well enough to be moved.”
“I’ll talk to Dr. Sluder. Get her opinion.”
“You miss home?”

Oh ok cool, let's make it all about you then. Also, I suppose Ray doesn't actually get a say in this then, no? I'd also just like everyone to bear in mind that Christian Grey is 28 years old. For a handy equivalent, he's the same age as Zac Efron. Imagine some lad the same age as Zac Efron bossing you around, telling your da what's best for him and deciding he knows better than a bunch of doctors? Get the fuck out of here, High School Musical.

They head back to the hotel in Ana's new birthday car and as she hands the keys to the valet, notes how "He’s eyeing my car with lust, and I don’t blame him." Oh, to be Anastasia Grey. Women want to fuck her husband and men want to fuck her car. They get into the room, order in some dinner, accompanied by Dido "warbling on about white flags". Then there's some of their trademark excruciating flirty banter, followed by banging. Christian ties Ana up with the belt of one of the hotel dressing gowns and changes the track on his iPod to Sweet About Me by Gabriella Cilmi. Or, if you're EL James:

A sweet, almost childlike female voice starts to sing about watching me.

The sweet voice sings that there’s nothing sweet about her.

The next morning, they go back to see Ray in the hospital and he wants coffee and donuts, so Ana heads out to get him some, stopping to tell Christian, who's alone in the waiting room talking on his phone. He tells Ana to take Taylor with her when she leaves, so Ana rolls her eyes.

“There’s no one here.” His voice is deliciously low, and I know he’s threatening to spank me. I am about to dare him, when a young couple enters the room.
She is weeping softly.
I shrug apologetically at Christian, and he nods.

GAWD, can't these gross normal non-millionaire people take their potential family bereavement somewhere else so Christian can fuck Ana over a hospital waiting room chair? So RUDE.

Later that day, the detective working on Jack Hyde's case arrives because he wants to interview Ana about Jack and for some reason has come all the way to Portland to do so. He tries to talk to Ana alone, but of course Christian isn't having it. He tells her that Jack has been saying that it was actually Ana who was sexually harassing him, rather than the other way around. Ana tells Detective Clark exactly what happened and how she took Hyde down when he cornered her. Clark mentions that all the PAs who previously worked for him won't say anything bad about him and Christian mentions that his security chief had the same issue when he interviewed all five women.

“And why’s that?”
Christian gives him a steely glare. “Because my wife worked for him, and I run security checks on anyone my wife works with.”
Detective Clark flushes. I shrug apologetically at him with a welcome-to-my-world smile. 

Your world fucking sucks.

Anyway, as far as I can tell, the whole point of this exchange and Clark coming all the way to Portland for this useless interview is so we can notice that Clark asks whether Christian has had any further thoughts about "the note" and Ana's like "Huh? Note?" because of course Christian is still keeping important information from her. And that's pretty much the only reason that the last four pages happened.

The next day, everyone is back in Seattle, including Ray. The literal day after he woke up from a coma, they shoved him onto a helicopter and horsed him into a rehabilitation centre in another city. Where he doesn't even live. Because Christian Grey. While Ana is leaving Ray's room, she bumps into Dr. Greene, who rushes over to ask Ana why she cancelled her last four appointments. Ana suddenly realises that she's missed her birth control injection each time and SURPRISE! SHE'S PREGNANT. THANK FUCK FINALLY.

Dr. Greene does an ultrasound and ascertains that Ana is four or five weeks pregnant. Her patient is visibly shaken at this news and has just told her that she's shocked and Greene says:

“Looks like the shot ran out early. Oh well, that happens sometimes.”


She points out a "tiny blip" on the screen which means that we have to endure Ana referring to the foetus as Little Blip from now on. She heads back to the car and while Taylor drives her to the office, freaks out thinking about how badly Christian is going to react and how it's too soon for this to happen.

Perhaps I...perhaps I should end this. I halt my thoughts on that dark path, alarmed at the direction they’re taking. Instinctively my hand sweeps down to rest protectively over my belly. No. My little Blip.

"Dark path." "Alarmed." "Instinctively." "Protectively."

I see what you're doing, EL James. I see you. And fuck you.

Ana falls asleep in the car on the way because she's a narcoleptic toddler and has a dream about her stupid baby which then turns into a nightmare with Christian walking away from her in disgust. She gets back to the office and is all snippy with her assistant Hannah because it's apparently her fault that Ana's a fucking idiot. She's mad at her for cancelling appointments when she asked her to and for not assuming responsibilty for her boss's contraceptive choices, I guess. Anyway, Ana continues to quietly panic about telling Christian for the rest of the day.

When will I tell him? Tonight? Maybe after sex? Maybe during sex. No, that might be dangerous for both of us.

Dangerous for both of us. Nothing says romance like the threat of bodily harm or murder.

Christian collects Ana from work and is cross at her for not having eaten that day.

He shakes his head in frustration. “Do you want me to add ‘feed my wife’ to the security detail’s list of duties?”

Do you want to go fuck yourself?

Ana tells Christian over dinner that she's pregnant and he:
  • Bangs his fist on the table and shouts at her
  • Calls her stupid
  • Accuses her of getting knocked up on purpose
  • Shouts at her some more when she starts crying
  • Shouts even louder when she says he'll be a good father
  • Storms out and slams the door

Ana falls asleep in the library and Christian isn't home yet when she wakes up, so she sleeps on the couch in order to be there when he gets in. Christian eventually falls in the door absolutely hammered and Ana has to put him to bed. On the way there he suggests that they bone, she tells him he needs to sleep and he starts sulking and going on about how "it begins", and he's heard that "babies means no sex". Because why wouldn't she want to ride you after you screamed at her, disappeared for hours and came back gee-eyed? You fucking gremlin.

He runs his hands up and down my hips then jerks me forward, pressing his mouth against my belly.
“And we have an invader in here.” I stop breathing. Holy cow. He’s talking to Little Blip. “You’re going to keep me awake, aren’t you?” he says to my belly.

I swear to god, I was half expecting him to punch Ana in the stomach at this point. He goes on to whinge about how she's going to "choose him over me" because he's literally and actually jealous of a foetus right now. He eventually goes to sleep and when Ana picks his clothes up off the floor, his phone falls out of a pocket, revealing a text from Elena, saying it was good to see him and that he'll make a wonderful father, which explains where he's been all night. Fuck me, does anyone even care at this point? BECAUSE I SURE DON'T.


  1. Oh GAWD it makes me so angry that this WAGON has earned millions from this utter bollox.

  2. You must be drinking heavily to get through this muck.

  3. I'd need both sick bags and punchbags to get through this tripe. I don't know how you do it!

  4. hey, I'll let Zac Efron boss me around anytime... He's way hotter than that guy they chose to be Christian Grey...

  5. I may have said this before but I think it's worth repaeting; FUCK THIS SHIT. It makes a total mockery of everyone everywhere and anything that might happen. This is not a relationship of any sort, it is just abuse. HOW has it ended up being something that women apparently aspire to?????

  6. "Nothing says romance like the threat of bodily harm or murder." I think someone has a new valentines card venture!! ;)


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