Thursday, October 29, 2015

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery 3 (Vol. 8)

It's Thursday already! Four days weeks really are the way forward. Although it also means I mostly have no idea what day it is, which is why this one is coming a bit late in the week. Anyway. Let's gooooo!

(Catch up: Volumes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7.)

Ana wakes up the next morning feeling fuzzy and hungover, and thinks how amazed she is that Christian let her drink so much. Super. It's literally the first line of this recap and I'm already doing a search for "exasperated gif". Christian wakes up, immediately asks Ana what's wrong (because she woke him up when she moved a bit) and then talks about how much he likes taking care of her and looks pleased about it.

It’s like he’s won the World Series or the Super Bowl.


They end up boning and start things off by wrestling a bit because Christian reveals that he likes it and that this is what he was talking about when he mentioned to Ana about taking her anger out on him in bed before. So it wasn't pegging after all.

Later that day, everyone is heading back home on the plane and Ana remembers that Christian quietly called Elliot "Lelliot" when congratulating him on getting engaged.

What did Christian call him? Lelliot. Perhaps that’s a family nickname?

Yes. It clearly is. This does not warrant any further discussion or energy. My brother Joseph has been called Joefish by me and my immediate family since forever, and I highly doubt that anyone, on hearing it, has thought about it later on and wondered "Is it a family nickname? WHAT COULD IT POSSIBLY MEAN? I NEED ANSWERS."

Anyway. We're told about them being on the plane and getting back to the apartment, during all of which, literally nothing happens. Then Christian reminds Ana that they're meeting Gia that evening and then it just skips to Ana brushing her teeth before bed. I'm pretty sure you're supposed to skip the boring bits and focus on the scenes where potentially interesting things might actually happen. EL James doesn't play by the rules and she sure as fuck doesn't get results. But hey, I'm not the billionaire author here, so what do I know.

Ana fills us in on what went down with Gia earlier, apparently she told Gia that she saw her in Aspen and her being there turned out to be a coincidence.

She’d camped out at her holiday place to work solely on our plans. For one awful moment I’d thought she’d had a hand in choosing the ring, but apparently not. But I still don’t trust Gia. I want to hear the same story from Elliot.

What fucking story?! Jesus Christ, just make out with her and be done with it.

Ana continues to think some thoughts and realises that Christian was so super relaxed over the weekend (he was scowling and snappy the entire time and literally knocked a guy out in the club. Christian was about as relaxed as a kick in the hole) because he was around his family.

Maybe that’s the answer. Maybe he needs his own family. I shake my head in denial - we’re too young, too new to all this.

Oh GOD, please just get this fucking pregnancy arc OVER WITH ALREADY. It hasn't even started and I'm already sick of it.

A few days go by and the passage of time is illustrated through the medium of FIFTEEN FUCKING EMAILS because there's just no other reasonable way of doing things I suppose. I'm starting to forget what it's like to enjoy reading a book. This series its doing its absolute utmost to ruin reading for me. In any case, time has passed and one morning, Hannah comes into Ana's office to tell her that Leila is waiting for her in reception, along with some other girl. Prescott was in the jacks so she didn't have a chance to stop Leila from getting this far, and explains to Ana that Leila is on a list of proscribed visitors that Ana apparently has. Christian has essentially created a list of people banned from Ana's life and she DOESN'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT IT.

Despite Prescott's insistence otherwise, Ana agrees to meet Leila and the mystery lady and has Prescott search both women in a meeting room beforehand. She also fires off an email to Christian, because we definitely haven't had enough of those lately, letting him know what's up. Hey, I wonder if he's going to show up, kick the door down and generally be furious?

Ana meets Leila, who introduces the girl she's with. Her name is Susi and she looks like both Leila and Ana, so she's another former submissive of Christian's. She tells Ana that she wanted to come with Leila so she could meet Ana, the woman who locked down Christian Grey.

“We call ourselves the sub club.” She grins at me, her eyes shining with mirth.

Ok, here is another alternate point of view story that I would heartily enjoy, along with The Sexy Adventures of Taylor and Jonesy. Christian's former subs all meet up and plot together to psychologically torment their careless, evil former Dom, exacting their revenge, like a sexy, violent First Wives Club. GIVE ME THREE BOOKS OF THAT INSTEAD.

This whole dance sequence could remain pretty much unchanged.
Christian has been calling Ana since she emailed him and was typically furious on the phone when she eventually stepped out to answer. Apparently he gave her "specific instructions" which she disobeyed, even though HE NEVER FUCKING TOLD HER ABOUT THE LIST. FUCK YOU IN THE EAR CHRISTIAN. Ana hangs up on him, so he's probably going to murder her now.

Leila tells Ana she wanted to see her so she could apologise and also tells her that she wants to thank Christian for paying for art school. Surely she could have just sent him an email to do that though, I mean all he seems to do in work is sit around scowling at people and sending emails. Leila then tells Ana that she's only ever loved her husband who recently died, and also Christian.

“I know. He’s very easy to love,” I whisper.


They both start giggling at this point, and it's time to check in with Ana's subconscious:

My subconscious rolls her eyes at me in despair and goes back to reading her dog-eared copy of Jane Eyre.

You and me both, lady. And hey, Jane Eyre! That's some speedy reading.

Apparently Christian has been refusing all of Leila's requests to meet, so she came to see Ana, knowing that Christian would show up. Which he does, fires Prescott on the spot, and is then horrible to Leila, telling her that if she comes near Ana again, he'll cut off all support, i.e. art school, doctors, medical insurance. He tells her to go back to the East Coast and that if she takes "one step west of the Mississippi, it’s all gone". YOU ARE NOT IN CHARGE OF HER YOU HORRIBLE FUCK.

Anyway, Leila agrees to all this and then leaves. Christian and Ana then have a bit of an argument, in which Christian keeps trying to distract her so they won't actually get to resolve or work through anything and when she asks him why he was so cold and callous to Leila, he replies:

“Anastasia,” he says as if to a child. “You don’t understand. Leila, Susannah - all of them - they were a pleasant, diverting pastime."

Eh, no, dickhead, they were women who you treated awfully, if your relationship with Ana is anything to go by and the sooner they team up and murder you in your sleep, the better.

Ana tries to get Christian to admit that he still cares about Leila, because she doesn't like how mean he was to her and it's a big, drawn-out conversation that ends up with Christian alluding to sex as usual, so they won't talk about their many many issues and they go home.

Cut to them mid-bang, with all the usual "you are mine" inanity, Ana referring to her vagina as "the center of my universe", before coming when Christian commands her to. Then there's two more emails to show that more time has passed, followed by Ana getting a call at work, because her stepdad Ray is in hospital after an accident.


Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery 3 (Vol. 7)

Alright then, let's do this thing.

(Catch up: Volumes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6.)

The gang arrive in Aspen and head to Christian’s fancy house there, while talking about skiing and what have you. Ana’s the only one who’s never been there before and has also never gone skiing.

“I’m hoping my husband will teach me how to ski.” I glance up at my man. 
“Don’t bet on it,” Christian mutters. 
“I won’t be that bad!” 
“You might break your neck.” His grin gone. 
Oh. I don’t want to argue and sour his good mood, so I change the subject.

Jesus Christ, Christian literally couldn't be less craic if he tried. CHILDREN GO SKIING but suddenly it’s far too dangerous a pursuit for his fragile, idiot wife? When learning to ski, you’re starting off on teeny tiny little slopes and the actual worst that will happen is you fall down into some soft snow, or maybe get slightly tangled in a mesh fence and kick yourself in the arse with the ends of your skis while trying to get up again. Y'know. So I hear. Shut up, Christian.

Ana notices that Kate is being quiet and wonders what the problem could be.

Then I remember. Aspen…Christian’s house here was redesigned by Gia Matteo and rebuilt by Elliot. I wonder if that’s what’s preoccupying Kate. I can’t ask her in front of Elliot, given his history with Gia. Does Kate even know about Gia’s connection to the house?

Excuse me, but what the fuck was this sequence of sentences, exactly? And why does Ana think everyone is as fixated on Gia Matteo as she is? They get to the house and Christian continues to be irritated by literally nothing.

Mia grabs Ethan’s hand and drags him farther into the house. Christian narrows his eyes at their departing figures, his mouth thinning.

Imagine having to spend an entire weekend with someone who reacts like that to his sister showing her friend/boyfriend around his fancy holiday home that he never uses. No wonder Kate is quiet, she’s probably planning her escape from this awful fucking trip. Christian shows Ana around the house, and everything is state-of-the-art and sleek and reminds her of his Escala apartment back home, so I guess that means it’s completely devoid of any personality and about as much fun as a slap in the head. Ana is once again overwhelmed at the wealth that is now hers too and will definitely, DEFINITELY never get used to it, no siree. Also, let’s take a look at how terrible EL James is at describing things:

The interior décor is stark and reminds me of the great room at Escala - all white walls, dark wood, and contemporary abstract art.

The state-of-the-art kitchen is all pale marble countertops and black cupboards.

These two descriptions happen within half a page and I’m all throbbing forehead veins and disbelief that this author is so outrageously successful.

Ana brings up Gia again and asks Christian what her involvement was with the house. Christian is like “why are we talking about Gia?” and I’m like “DUDE I KNOW, RIGHT?” at which point Ana asks him if he knows that Elliot previously had a fling with Gia.

“Elliot’s fucked most of Seattle, Ana.” 
I gasp. 
“Mainly women, I understand,” Christian jokes. 
I think he’s amused by my expression. 

Jesus Ana, just because you stayed in reading Jane Austen for your entire life before meeting Christian doesn’t mean everyone else did too. Ana then spends the rest of the chapter internally referring to Elliot as “manwhore”, because she’s a judgmental fucking bitch. Christian then mentions that before meeting Ana, his family thought he was gay.

I giggle and begin to relax in his arms. “I thought you were celibate. How wrong I was.” I wrap my arms around him, marveling at the ridiculousness of Christian being gay.

Because, hey, we’ve already had rampant misogyny and a smattering of racism in this series already, why not go the whole hog and throw in a spot of homophobia too?

The gang (a term that makes them sound like way more fun than the shower of shallow, self-obsessed idiots that they are) tries to decide on an activity for the day, but it starts raining, so the proposed hike is out. Instead the girls are going shopping, Ethan and Christian are going fishing and Elliot needs to get a watch battery, apparently. Mia brings Kate and Ana to a fancy boutique where they buy dresses and do you want to know what the shop is like on the inside? Of course you do, because it’s “all pink silk and faux-French distressed rustic furniture” and there are literally no other ways to convey what an interior looks like than “all something and something”. While Kate and Mia are in the changing rooms, Ana sees Elliot come out of a jewellery shop across the road, BUT HE’S WITH DEMON WOMAN GIA MATTEO. They cordially say goodbye and Ana is agog because WHAT COULD HE POSSIBLY BE DOING IN A JEWELLERY SHOP WITH A FEMALE ACQUAINTANCE WHEN HE’S RECENTLY BEEN ACTING A BIT DISTRACTED WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND, HMM?

Anyway, Ana says nothing to the other two when they emerge from the changing rooms and they pay for their stuff, while Ana hates on the shop assistant for absolutely no fucking reason.

The young sales assistant - who has more gloss coating her lips than I have ever seen in one place - smiles at me. 
“That’ll be eight hundred and fifty dollars.” What? For this scrap of material! 
I blink at her and meekly hand over my black Amex. 
“Mrs. Grey,” Ms. Lip Gloss purrs.


Afterwards, Ana asks Kate how things are between her and Elliot and wonders whether she should tell Kate about seeing Elliot with “Miss Well-Groomed-Sexual-Predator” and Ana's little nicknames for all these female background characters can fucking well do one. Kate says she doesn’t want to talk about it right now and indicates to Mia, who is out of earshot.

I give her my I-completely-understand-and-will-respect-your-privacy nod.

I do my someone-needs-to-pry-the-fucking-hyphen-key-out-of-EL-James’s-laptop dance. It’s very sexy. And angry. Mostly angry.

They go back to the house and drink strawberry daiquiris in front of a roaring fire, even though it’s summer and usually around 20°C and upwards in Aspen in late summer. I know this because I checked. Also, who the hell drinks frozen cocktails in front of a blazing fire? Oh wait, I forgot what I was reading. Nothing makes sense in this book.

Kate mentions that she thinks she’s in trouble with Elliot for getting Ana into trouble when they went for a few drinks after work and no one got kidnapped or raped.

“You heard about that?” 
“Yes. Christian called Elliot; Elliot called me.”

Now hold on a fucking second. Christian called Elliot, because he’s Kate’s boyfriend to tell him, what, exactly? To rein his woman in? Because Elliot is in charge of what Kate does and that’s how relationships work? I hope Christian gets eaten by a fucking bear while he’s out fishing. That bear would be a goddamn hero.

Christian gets back from fishing, Ana runs him a bath, but they end up boning instead and leave the bath running.

“Shit, the water!” I struggle to sit up, all post-orgasmic and dazed.


They’re all going out for dinner that evening so Ana gets ready and puts on her new dress. It’s silver and short and backless and she looks sexy in it.

I’m all legs, especially in the high-heeled Manolos and my indecently short dress.

I just can’t.

Also, because she looks so damn good in it, she needs Christian to approve before she can wear it out of the house. Which is honestly just too depressing to make fun of. So, Ana goes to the door of the room and calls for Christian to come take a look – no wait, what am I saying? She EMAILS HIM OF COURSE, even though he’s in the same fucking house, because it’s been AAAGES since he’s had the opportunity to change his email signature to something relating to the conversation that is both HILARIOUS and WITTY and NOT AT ALL TEDIOUS.

He comes into the room, tells her she looks “…wow” and then fingers her, telling her “this is mine”, but just like all the other times he does stuff like this, it’s not sexy because he literally believes that Ana’s vagina belongs to him, along with the rest of her. Amazingly, he’s allowing her to wear the dress out in public, with the caveat; “be a good girl and don’t bend down”.

Anyhoodle, they all go out for dinner and Ana continues to obsess over Gia and is “half expecting to see Gia calmly saunter her well-groomed ass across the restaurant to us.” It’s very strange how Ana acts like “well-groomed” is an insult. It’s also the third time in one chapter that she’s described Gia as such. And this is coming from someone who gave us a detailed rundown of precisely how well-groomed she is now, while looking at her reflection on the yacht. So, they’re having dinner, when – oh my god, never saw this coming – Elliot proposes to Kate. Ana’s reaction, which is pretty much her reaction to everything, is “Holy shit!”

Amount of times Ana says “Holy shit!”: 33
“Holy crap!”: 23
“Jeez”: 57

Kate says yes and the whole restaurant applauds, because everything came to a standstill at that moment, of course. Everyone congratulates them, and Christian’s comment to Kate is “I hope you are as happy in your marriage as I am in mine.” I kinda love how he doesn’t realize what a massive burn that is.

Mia wants to go clubbing, so they all head to the fanciest, most exclusive spot in Aspen, where Ana and Christian take turns being jealous fucking morons because the staff are friendly, i.e. doing their jobs.

Ana is wearing Mia’s trench coat to cover her arse, (at Christian’s insistence, because of course you can wear that dress darling, as long as you cover it up entirely) and hands it over to the cloakroom guy:

“Nice coat,” he says, gazing at me intently. Beside me Christian bristles and fixes Max with a back-off-now glare. He reddens and quickly hands Christian my coat check ticket.

The female staff wear a uniform of black hotpants and a shirt, with a little red bowtie. It sounds pretty cute, but is unfortunately ripe for Ana’s infuriatingly condescending nicknames for tertiary women all throughout this horror show of a series.

“Let me show you to your table.” Miss Satin Hot Pants flutters her eyelashes at my husband, flicks her long blond hair, and sashays through the entryway. I tighten my grip around Christian, and he gazes down at me questioningly for a moment, then smirks as we follow Miss Satin Hot Pants into the bar.

Kate and Elliot are all giddy and excited and at one point, Kate squeezes his thigh and they kiss, prompting Ana to shout "Get a room!" at them. Ana, who was fingered by Christian in a lift WITH STRANGERS IN IT in the last book.

Mia drags Kate and Ana onto the dancefloor, but not before Christian “growls” at Ana not to bend over and when she gets a head rush from standing up, he tells her to drink water, “a warning clear in his voice”. Not concern, not tenderness, a warning. Awesome. They go dancing and Ana thinks about how for the first twenty years of her life she “chose reading over dancing”, because apparently the two are mutually exclusive and "Jane Austen didn’t have great music to move to". Excuse me, but Jane Austen was ALL ABOUT dancing and music. "To be fond of dancing was a certain step towards falling in love", ring any fucking bells, lady?


When Ana feels a pair of hands on her hips that then squeeze her arse, she assumes it’s Christian, but - uh oh! – it’s not. She spins around and screams at the creepy dude to get his hands off her. He’s all “hey baby, it’s just a bit of fun”, which is pretty much exactly the kind of attitude that cunts like this have when they go around sexually harassing women in nightclubs. Ana slaps him and for once I’m like “YES, I can actually relate to Ana for once, having done the same thing myself and she was dead fucking right in her actions”, until she, as usual, finds a way to ruin it by shoving her rings in his face and shouting “I’m married, you asshole!” So you see, creepy guy, you’re feeling up another man’s property and if she was single then it’s definitely no big deal to put your hands on a woman, uninvited.

Of course, Christian suddenly materializes and punches the guy, knocking him to the ground. The dude legs it and Ana has to force Christian to look at her, essentially proving that this is all about Christian being mad that someone played with his toy and nothing to do with whether Ana is actually ok or not. Remember, he was MAD AT HER when Jack Hyde tried to assault her in the last book. This is his M.O. Ana gets him to dance with her and we find out that the reason why she slapped the guy wasn’t actually anything to do with righteous female anger, but because she knew how Christian would react and it was the thought of some “nobody” making Christian lose his self-control that actually made her mad. Anastasia Grey, making lemons out of lemonade since 1989.

They dance and drink a bit more and then it’s time to go home. Ana is drunk and tired, so Christian takes her shoes off and then leads her into the bathroom, where he takes her makeup off, like she’s a fucking child who can’t take care of herself. Now, imagine for a moment, that you’re coming home after an eventful night out with your boyfriend or husband and he sits you down, tells you to close your eyes and then goes to town on your face with cotton wool and some cleanser. I don’t think your reaction would be “Holy crap, he’s holding a cotton ball!”, followed by meekly sitting there, it’d be “what the fuck are you doing you weirdo, give me that, you’ll take my fecking eye out.”

While Christian undresses her for bed, Ana notes how it's "progress" that he's not mad at her for once, but mad at someone else. Progress. It's progress that he's not mad at her for getting felt up. And the worst part is that it's actually true.

Christian orders Ana into bed and has some calls to make. She pleads with him to join her, but he won't because she's tired and needs to sleep and if he gets into bed with her they'll have to have sex and it's not like he can just lie down beside her and not paw at her long enough so she can have a snooze. Don't be ridiculous.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery 3 (Vol. 6)

Aghh ok, work is wild busy and life is wild busy so no time for preamble, let's just get to it!

(Catch up: Volumes 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5.)

Ana has arrived home and Christian is being all intense and she can't tell if he's angry or horny. But one thing we DO know is what his jeans are up to:

Holy crap he looks hot - his jeans hanging that way from his hips.


Also, he has printed out her last email to him (the one where she angrily pointed out that he doesn't keep her informed about her own safety) like he's someone's grandad and holds it up in front of her for some reason. Seriously, when was the last time you printed out an email that wasn't a booking reference? This fucking guy. Ana then proceeds to throw her entire gender under the bus:

“Christian, I changed my mind,” I explain slowly, patiently as if he’s a child. “I’m a woman. We’re renowned for it. That’s what we do.”  

Fuck you, Ana.

Christian gets all sad thinking about what could have happened if Ana had been there when Jack got into the apartment and his precious feelings are all hurty again.

"I’ve died a thousand deaths today thinking about what might have happened."

Well THAT'S awfully similar to the words of that song from Twilight, isn't it?

I'm sure it's all a big coincidence.

They hug and Ana reassures him that his abusive threats to her are totally fine because she knows he'd never hurt her. Not like all the times when he, y'know, HURT HER. Christian then tries to get her to come to bed, but Ana wants to talk and won't give in when he keeps trying to distract her by shoving his crotch at her. She gets him to tell her that Jack had reports and stuff about Christian's family and his days in college, all stored on his hard drive and almost tells her something else, but then goes into YOU MUST EAT, ANA mode so he won't have to talk any more. He brings her into the kitchen, sits her down and blindfolds her.

“Can you see?” he asks.
“No,” I mutter, figuratively rolling my eyes. He chuckles softly.
“I can tell when you’re rolling your eyes...and you know how that makes me feel.”

Oh FOR THE LOVE OF ANGELA LANSBURY. If you FIGURATIVELY roll your eyes, then you haven't actually rolled your eyes at all. It is possible to roll your eyes while blindfolded though, so I don't know what possessed EL James to use the word figuratively here, other than the very strong possibility that she doesn't actually know what it means. I can only assume that her copy editor has locked themselves into a cupboard with a bottle of something tasty and flammable in an effort to avoid her at this point.

Christian feeds Ana some spicy lamb, but not before spitting wine into her mouth from his. I guess it's meant to be sexy, but, Jesus Christ, no. He puts on music for this pointless interlude and now I feel compelled to point out something else that bugs the living fuck out of me about Ana. Here's how she describes the song that's playing, throughout this scene:

A loud twang of a guitar begins a song I don’t know.

A man starts to sing, his voice deep, low, and sexy.

The troubadour on the iPod is singing about wicked games.

Now get to actual fuck if you think anyone believes that you've NEVER heard Wicked Games by Chris Isaak before. Everyone knows that song, and you're a fucking liar. Chris Isaak was a guest star on Friends for god's sake, and even if his and the song's name don't make it click for you, the "and IIiiiIIiiiiIiiiiIIII wanna fall in looove" bit would make any person go "oh yeah, THAT song! With Helena Christensen rolling around on the beach, yes, got it." Ana does this repeatedly throughout this book and in case I haven't clarified, IT'S SUPER FUCKING ANNOYING.

Here's my impression of Ana listening to Queen: "A mournful song starts playing, where a man is sorrowfully confessing to his mother that he's killed a man. I've never heard it before in my sheltered, idiotic life. Now the tempo has changed and the voices are saying something about SCARAMOUCHE SCARAMOUCHE WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO. Oh my." I don't know why EL James is so fucking squirrelly about naming songs, but it does actually happen the odd time, like when we found out earlier that Ana's ringtone for Christian is Your Love Is King by Sade.

Anyway, Christian brings Ana to the playroom, so they mutter and murmur at each other the whole way there.

“Playroom,” he murmurs.
“Bring it on,” I murmur, desire and something that I don’t want to name thrum through my body.
“I think you’ve lost weight,” he mutters disapprovingly.

Mutter mutter murmur murmur, never ever enunciating. I'm doing a "how many times does this word appear in this book?" count.

"Mutter": 125 (!)
"Murmur": 290 (!!!)
"Whisper": 377 (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Christian cuffs Ana to the big wooden cross in the playroom, leaves her blindfolded and then teases her with a vibrator. She doesn't know what his game is and he brings her to the point where she's about to come and then stops and repeats the process, telling her that this is how much she frustrates him. Now, apparently orgasm denial is a thing that people are into, which is grand if that's your bag, but surely the person you do it to should actually be into it, rather than just springing it on someone and using it to punish and torment them for meeting their friend for a few mojitos. WHICH IS ALL SHE FUCKING WELL DID, REMEMBER?

Ana starts crying and uses the safeword to make him stop, because "This is not love. It’s revenge." (which basically sums up their whole relationship). Christian's reaction to her using the safeword is as fucking selfish and inconsiderate as you'd expect:

He stills. “No!” He gasps, stunned. “Jesus Christ, no.”
He moves quickly, unclipping my hands, clasping me around my waist and leaning down to unclip my ankles, while I put my head in my hands and weep.
“No, no, no. Ana, please. No.”

And he then proceeds to make the entire situation about him, never once asking her if she's ok or if she wants anything, just pleading with her to stop crying and whining about her never doing as she's told. I think I pulled something in my neck from the faces I was making during this whole bit. They agree to be more considerate of each other and make up.

“Your lips are always so soft when you’ve been crying,” he murmurs.

This is the second time in this book that Christian has said almost those exact words to Ana after she's been upset and it's so fucking creepy. "You look so pretty after I've emotionally abused and sexually manipulated you."

Ana then goes back to their earlier conversation and Christian eventually tells her that they know Jack Hyde is the one who tried to sabotage the helicopter, that he had a van outside the apartment when he broke in, containing tranquilizers and a mattress and that Christian's investigator guy Welch and the cops are looking into the whole situation and they think Detroit is the connection. Ana's like "huh?" and the chapter ends really bizarrely. As I've mentioned before, the chapters quite often begin and end with them going to bed/waking up the next morning, but of course there's also the cliffhanger chapter endings, which this one feels like it's trying to be, but fails utterly.

Christian lifts his face and gazes at me, his expression unreadable. “Ana, I was born in Detroit.”


It turns out that Jack is from Detroit too and Christian continues to try to worm his way out of telling Ana anything about the guy WHO WANTS TO KIDNAP HER. They talk about Christian's shitty childhood before getting adopted, Ana feels sad for him and pictures him as a lonely, dirty-faced toddler for the millionth fucking time and then refers to his mother as "the crack whore" in her internal thoughts, so that's just super great how that's catching on. There's a whole excruciatingly boring conversation about how much they need and love each other and it's basically the same as most of the conversations they've already had over the course of these three horrendous books. They go to sleep and Christian has another one of his well-timed nightmares that make Ana feel like she can never ever leave or Freddy Krueger will surely come and get him. Ana wakes Christian up, they have sex, and then move from the playroom to the bedroom.

Ana wakes up but OH NO CHRISTIAN ISN'T THERE SOMETHING MUST BE TERRIBLY WRONG so she RUNS down the hallway to find him and he's there playing the fucking piano, so we've already had this whole scene before, doodly doo, it's the next morning and Christian says they're going to Aspen for the weekend.

They arrive at the airport and Christian says he has a surprise for her on the private jet. It turns out that Kate, Ethan, Mia and Elliot are all onboard, wahey, because “You said you didn’t see enough of your friends.” So hey, here are two of your friends and my two siblings, who they happen to be boning or whatever, so this whole social situation is on my terms and you can't do anything that I don't approve of yaaay. Ana doesn't even say hello to them though, just shifts the face off Christian so he throws her over his shoulder and walks straight past everyone, bringing her into the bedroom. Which is just rude. Seriously, you'd think some manners would actually kill these people. They don't have sex or anything, which is a relief, and pretty much come right back out again, so that whole embarrassing spectacle had no purpose whatsoever.

Natalia is the flight attendant again, so Ana spends some time sizing her up.

Why does she make me uncomfortable? Maybe it’s that she’s a brunette. By his own admission, Christian doesn’t usually employ brunettes because he finds them attractive.

He can only employ blonde women, otherwise he'll just uncontrollably start having sex with them. Christian is legit the worst businessman ever.

She’s dressed in a neat navy short-sleeved shirt and matching pencil skirt. Her makeup is immaculate - she really is quite pretty. My subconscious raises a plucked-to-within-an-inch-of-its-life eyebrow at me.


Kate starts asking Ana about the whole Jack situation and Ana tells her that he made a pass at her which resulted in Christian firing him. She asks more stuff and Elliot joins in with the questions too and Ana acts like they're majorly overstepping some boundary. Even though Elliot has had a load of security people around him because of it and the guy got into the place where Ana lives, so yeah, it's a pretty fair topic of conversation to bring up. It'd be weird for them not to talk about it, like. Anyway, there's a bit of suggestion that something's up between Kate and Elliot, because she scowls at him at one point, and then we get another classic chapter-ending cliffhanger.

Natalia appears abruptly from the galley.
“May I offer anyone coffee?” she asks.


Wednesday, October 07, 2015

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery 3 (Vol. 5)


I have returned. Well, I actually returned last week, but jetlag and work and going for a load of pints and a hangover and more work and finally unpacking my suitcase and thinking I wasn't jetlagged anymore before bursting into tears during an episode of The Mindy Project all conspired to keep me from bothering my hole to sit down and write. But I'm here now! And I may try to squash the whole ridiculous-amazing Caribbean cruise experience into a blog post at a later date, if I can get around to it.

But for now, let's see what's been going down in Tedious Fuckery Town! (Spoiler: infuriating shit, but what's new.)

(Catch up here: Volumes 1, 2, 3 and 4.)

The following morning (because most chapters end with them fucking/going to sleep and then start with the next morning) Christian tells Ana that he has to go to New York on business and will be away for one night that week. Ana asks if he's going there in Charlie Tango, the helicopter that was sabotaged, because going across the entire country of America in a helicopter seems plausible to her. Ana then brings up the loaded gun in the study. It turns out that it's Leila's gun and Christian gets all prissy and tells Ana that he doesn't want her "messing with guns", even though it turns out that she actually knows more about firearms than he does.

“I don’t want you messing with guns. I hope you put the safety back on.”
I blink at him, momentarily stupefied. “Christian, there’s no safety on that revolver. Don’t you know anything about guns?”
His eyes widen. “”

So why the fuck do you have a LOADED GUN IN YOUR HOUSE YOU MASSIVE BAG OF ASSHOLES? It turns out that Christian is very anti-gun and supports a bunch of gun control bills in Washington or something. Which is all well and good, but just makes even less sense for him to KEEP ONE IN HIS HOUSE.

Ana asks about Leila and it turns out that she's with her parents in Connecticut and has enrolled in art school. Apparently she's all better now and Ana's reaction to the news isn't "well that's nice for her" or "shouldn't she be somewhere secure, seeing as it was mere months since she had a breakdown and tried to kill me?" Nope, Ana's jealous of her. Again. And wonders why Christian feels responsible for her. It's definitely not because of the sustained emotional abuse he put her through, which was probably what made her snap in the first place. Ana goes to work and there's paaages of irritating emails full of terrible flirting and SUPER witty signatures such as "Priapic CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.", "Now Moist Commissioning Editor, SIP" and "CEO & Ass man, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc." SUCH. A. DELIGHT.

Christian goes to New York and Ana has plans to meet Kate for a few drinks after work. Christian calls her when he lands and asks what she's getting up to with Kate that evening. Ana's immediate thought is "Oh no", which is such a great little indicator for how horrible their relationship is. Ana tells him they're going for a drink and then heading back to the penthouse, but Christian's not having it, even though Ana would have Ryan, Sawyer and a new lady bodyguard called Prescott with her at all times.

“Ana, I don’t want to keep you from your friends. (AHAHAHA! YES YOU ABSOLUTELY DO YOU MASSIVE LIAR!) But I thought she was coming back to the apartment.”
“Okay,” I acquiesce. “We’ll stay in.”

Cool. Cool cool cool.

Also, as soon as it was pointed out that Prescott is a black woman, I was sure that Ana would be all over her, as she's usually all "I like them immediately" whenever she meets a minority, because she's definitely not racist. However, when Ana is talking about her, she says "I’ve yet to warm to her, maybe because she’s too cool and professional." Which is EXACTLY how Taylor and Sawyer and Ryan and Reynolds and Phillipe and Gaston and the rest of the clown car full of security dudes have been so far, as that's called DOING YOUR FUCKING JOB in that particular line of work. But if she's not fawning all over Ana, then I suppose she must be an icy bitch.

Kate arrives at the office at the end of the day and convinces Ana to go for a cocktail instead of going straight home. This is definitely going to go well. The security detail tell her they're supposed to go to the apartment, but Ana insists that it's just one drink and they make their way to a bar. On the way in the car, Ana finds out from Kate that security has been tripled for all the Greys and is annoyed that Kate seems to know more about the whole impending danger situation than she does, because Christian won't tell her anything. They go for strawberry mojitos and bitch about Gia (who had a fling with Elliot before, like some kind of terrible person), engage in some pregnancy foreshadowing (please just get it over with) and have no dinner and a whole bunch of drinks. On her way home, Ana checks her phone to find five missed calls, a text and an email from Christian, so you can guess how he's been reacting to his wife going for a few with her mate.

I'm not sure who I'm more annoyed at here really, because Ana KNEW that he'd freak the fuck out if she went for drinks without telling him, and didn't have the cop on to check her phone every so often. HOWEVER, Christian can go fuck himself for being mad at her for seeing her friend and not sealing herself up in their sterile, charmless museum of an apartment forever and ever. They're both terrible, is what I'm saying.

Ana gets back to the apartment with Sawyer beside her, only to find a smashed vase in the lobby. Sawyer tells her to stay put and runs in to see what's happened. Jack Hyde is unconscious, slumped on the floor and Ryan is standing over him. It turns out that Ryan saw him coming in through the service entrance on the CCTV and then let him in because he "knew we'd have him", which seems like a ludicrously stupid and risky plan, as Jack was armed and this was all about ten minutes before everyone else got back. Ana suggests that they call the police (FINALLY!) but the worst security team in the world all just look dumbly at each other because they need Taylor to tell them what to do and he wasn't answering his phone. Ana tried calling Christian but his phone is off "because he’s so mad" so she leaves him a voicemail saying there's been an incident but everyone's ok. The cops arrive and the detective tells her to come to the station the next day to make a statement, instead of just doing it right there, because reasons.

Ana wakes up later that night to find Christian sitting across from her, just watching her again like the enormous creep that he is. He'll barely talk to her though, so I don't know why he's fucking hanging around there in the first place. He tells her that he's "burning with rage" but he's also sad or something? UGHHHH I don't caaare.

“I want to punish you,” he whispers. “Really beat the shit out of you,” he adds.


Also, correct me if I'm wrong here, but is Christian mad at her for NOT being there when Jack tried to break in and kidnap her while armed with a gun? I mean, surely the normal reaction to this situation would be to be super relieved that your wife wasn't stolen or whatever. LIKE A PRICELESS ASSET.

He tells Ana to go back to sleep and when she wakes up in the morning, he's about to get into the shower and is still mad at her. So she follows him into the shower, because sex usually solves all their problems, but Christian turns her down, which sends Ana into a ridiculously overdramatic spiral.

I release him, immediately. He’s saying no? My mind goes into free fall - has this ever happened before? My subconscious shakes her head, her lips pursed. She glares at me over her half-moon glasses, wearing her you’ve-really-fucked-up-this-time look. I feel like I’ve been slapped, hard. Rejected. And a lifetime of insecurity spawns the ugly thought he doesn’t want me anymore. I gasp as the pain sears through me.

Oh my GAAAAD, the pain sears through her? It's probably cystitis from all the non-stop fucking.

Ana gets dressed for work, throwing on her "favorite plum dress and black sandals", so I guess we've just given up on the fact that it's Kate's motherfucking dress. She goes to work, accompanied by Prescott, while Christian sulks in his study. He's arranged for the detective to come to her office for her statement and emails to let her know, kicking off another tedious fucking merry-go-round of messages going back and forth. Ana begins to wonder if he came back from New York because she went for drinks, or because of the Jack attack. He doesn't answer her so she points out that he doesn't actually tell her anything about what's going on, so maybe if he kept her in the loop then she'd have been more careful or whatever.

She also keeps referring to him as "Mr. Burning Rage" throughout the day. Other things that she calls Christian throughout this book:

Mr. Mercurial
Mr. Sex-on-legs
Mr. Unbelievably Angry
Mr. Orgasmic
Mr. Sexpertise
Mr. Exacting
Mr. Sexpert

Mr. Mercurial gets no less than four mentions, so I guess that makes him the boss of this depressing little gang. Worst. Mr. Men. Ever.

Ana gets home, again accompanied by Prescott ("She’s been so quiet today. I think I prefer her this way." FUCK YOUUUU) but on the way, her heart has grown "heavier and heavier" because she knows that once she gets home, she and Christian are probably going to have a massive row and it's just really sad because her life is basically going from fights with her horrible husband to sex with her horrible husband and nothing in between. Anyway, she arrives home to find Christian waiting for her, in those jeans, his sexy sexytime jeans (we don't know if they're hanging from his hips in that way though, which is disappointing) and it looks like some shit's about to go down. But we're going to have to wait and see if they just bone their problems away, as usual. THE SUSPENSE.