Monday, August 31, 2015

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery 3 (Vol. 3)

In amongst the list-making and obsessive weather forecast-checking for Electric Picnic this weekend, I've got the next volume ready to go, because I'm sound like that. However, the two weeks that I'm away on holidays for in September will be less conducive to blog posts, but I guess we'll deal with that when we come to it. For now, look! It's volume three!

(Catch up on Volumes 1 and 2 and sure come on over and like my Facebook page too while you're at it.)

Ana wakes up from her nightmare and panics because Christian isn't beside her. I swear, every time one of these assholes wakes up and the other one isn't right beside them, they freak the fuck out. I love the Bear, but if I wake up and he's not there, it's STARFISH TIME because he's probably just fallen asleep on the couch while watching a BBC4 documentary about space.

Anyway, Christian is sitting in a chair across the room, watching her sleep, like a serial killer. It's the last day of the honeymoon and Christian wants to go for a spin on the jetski with Ana driving before they leave. They climb on and put us through some of their usual fucking tedious banter. Lately they've been incessantly calling each other Mr. Grey and Mrs. Grey during said banter - "Is that so, Mr. Grey?" "It is indeed, Mrs. Grey" and so on. It's adorable and definitely doesn't make me want to fling every copy of this book into a tornado. They take off across the water, and Ana sees that the airport is nearby, so heads that way for a look, before being startled by a plane like the genius she is, and falling off the jetski, taking Christian with her. Ha ha ha these crazy kids.

Eventually they get back home (they fly home on a commercial airline, which makes no sense. Where's the private plane?) and Christian carries Ana from the car up to the penthouse like she's a fucking child. He tells her she's put on weight, which is a ridiculous thing to do, considering her weird food issues and his continued insistence that YOU MUST EAT, ANA over the last two books. There's actually been hardly any of that this time around though, so she must be packing on the pounds. Even though she just said earlier that she's leaner and fitter than ever before. HEY, LOOK OVER THERE, A DISTRACTION FROM THIS TERRIBLE WRITING! (Copyright Anastasia Grey)

The next morning, it's Ana's turn to be creepy, so she watches Christian sleep for a little while, before he wakes up. While watching him, she wants to kiss him, but decides not to disturb him.

My subconscious glares up at me over her half-moon spectacles, distracted from volume two of the Complete Works of Charles Dickens, and mentally chastises me. Leave the poor man alone, Ana.
Hey, volume two! Good for you, Subconscious, you're so lucky you don't have to read this exasperating pile of shite. Swapsies?

Ana's thoughts then turn to the fire at the office and the lurking threat that we all know is Jack Hyde after the last book's epilogue, who has been doing an exceedingly shoddy job of trying to kill Christian so far.
My blood chills. Who could want to harm Christian?
They go to lunch at Christian's parents house, and Ana is feeling out of sorts. She teases Christian about letting her drive his Audi R8 and gets all snappy when he teases her back. At lunch, he mentions that Gia the architect is calling over the following day, which riles Ana up as well, because Gia's a no-good big-boobed homewrecker. Probably. She tells herself that she has no reason to be jealous and wonders what's up with her mood.

Shit, I am up and down today. What’s wrong with me? 

You're pregnant. It's Twilight after all, so there's a demon baby to be had, and the whole weight thing earlier was a typically masterfully subtle and nuanced foreshadowing of this fact. Christian tells her that he's going to spank her unless she snaps out of her weird mood. After lunch, everyone is chatting and Christian starts singing softly to himself while playing the piano.

Suddenly, as one, all the Greys stop talking and gape at Christian.

It's some big moment because none of his family have ever heard him sing before, and Grace is all overwhelmed and cries a bit because it's apparently such a big breakthrough or whatever. Problem is:

When they leave the house to head home, Christian allows Ana to drive the Audi, but they get a call from Sawyer and Ryan who are behind them in an SUV, because UH OH they're being followed by a car with fake license plates. Although it's never actually explained how they know the plates aren't real. So instead of telling Ana to drive to the nearest police station, or whatever, Christian and his security detail tell her to drive like a fucking crazy person along the freeway. She weaves in and out of traffic at speed and this whole underwhelming car chase goes on for fucking everrrrrrr.

They eventually pull into a random car park and Sawyer informs them that the other car kept going and they managed to lose the tail. The guys in the SUV follow the mystery car and Ana and Christian fuck in the car park. Seriously. At first, Ana is shaken and starts crying, so Christian tries to console her.

He reaches over and, despite the limited space we have, pulls me over the handbrake console to cradle me in his lap.

I don't know how big the inside of an R8 is, but pulling a fully grown human off their seat and onto your lap would surely be a fiesta of elbows and knees and banging your head on the ceiling. Then again, Ana is so frail and tiny that it's probably more like picking up and moving a bundle of twigs. They bang in the seat (Ana takes care to mention "the sheer fine lace" of her "designer underwear" - but WILL SHE EVER GET USED TO BEING RICH?) and then head back to the apartment. It turns out that the driver of the car that was following them was a woman and Sawyer is waiting for them when they get home. However, they're both still horny even after having just had sex in the car, so Christian tells Sawyer he wants to be debriefed in an hour. Instead of right now, as there's badly described sex to be had!

Christian leads Ana to the playroom and she's all coy and embarrassed for some reason.

I blush, knowing that Mrs. Jones must have been in here cleaning while we were away on our honeymoon.

Poor Mrs. Jones. Nobody should have to clean up Christian Grey's spunk and sweaty ass-prints. Christian bends Ana over a table and puts a butt plug in her ass, with the usual vagueness.

His fingers are massaging me there again. Lubricating me...there!

Where? There? Oh the other there? Wuh?

Anyway, they have sex and lie there in the playroom for a bit.

“Who cleans these toys?” I ask as I follow him over to the chest. He frowns at me, as if not understanding the question. “Me. Mrs. Jones.”

DUDE. WHAT. Clean your own goddamn sex toys! JESUS. Mrs. Jones doesn't need this kind of shit. They go for a bath afterwards and Christian mentions that they should look over the plans for the house before Gia comes by the next day.

That woman is coming back again. My subconscious gazes up from volume 3 of The Complete Works of Charles Dickens and glowers.

Volume 3! She's flying through them! I am now officially more invested in her subconscious's reading list than the actual plot here.

Christian finally goes to talk to Sawyer, while Ana does Mrs Jones a favour and washes the butt plug herself. She then thinks about how she has to go back to the office the following day, how she doesn't plan on changing her name at work and that she knows Christian will be mad when she tells him. Oh god, we're going to have to endure that fucking fiasco at some point, please let's just get it over with. Instead, Ana uploads the photos from the Nikon she bought for Christian and finds PICTURE AFTER PICTURE of her asleep on it. She's sucking her thumb in some photos. Come on, Ana. Anyway, it's TERRIFYING. But as usual, me and Ana have the opposite reactions to these things, and she's overwhelmed with love and jumps up to find him.

She comes into his study while Christian is on the phone to someone and crawls onto his lap. The part of Ana in this book is being played by a tiny baby. She sees that he's looking at grainy CCTV footage of a man going into the server room at Grey House on his laptop, while the guy at the other end of the phone line enhances the picture. Suddenly Ana gasps, because ERMAHGERD it's Jack Hyde and we already knew that and it's no surprise whatsoever.


  1. Sometimes I read these just for your epically awesome GIFs ...............

    1. Haha! I choose them very carefully, but that aerobics one is definitely up there among my favourites.

    2. The aerobics one is magnificent!

  2. There's a demon baby to be had. Lmao.
    If my husband told me I'd put on weight in one breath and to eat in the next, the only demon around would be me eating his soul. Ha.

  3. Holy moses that Zac Morris gif is to die for... 50 Shades is literally the worst but this blog is the best thing ever.

  4. this phenomenon kick started by twilight is so silly... i mean there are plenty of things which is annoying especially as you mentioned, this naming the expensive brand of stuff our heroine is using! , the sheer idiocy of keep mentioning how much they don't want money but refuse to own up to the happiness money can bring you!( ergo, mentioning expensive and price tag everywhere) and so on............
    for the love of god! lace is supposed to be sheer, what is the point?? e l james is an idiot. instead of i hate you ana i would like to stay i hate you bella!


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