Sooo, I had a lot of thoughts.
Ok, this is somewhat unrelated, but FIRST OF ALL, if you need to contact your annoying nephews to warn them that they may be about to be eaten by a rampaging dino-monster and the line is so bad that you can't hear each other when you call them, THEN SEND A FUCKING TEXT.
The first shot of Bryce Dallas Howard as Claire, the super efficient manager of Jurassic World, is the age-old pan upwards on the woman's body, get a good look at her there, in her fancy shoes. It's passed off as her arriving in a lift, while Chris Pratt as Owen is introduced being super cool, mid-session with his trained velociraptors, which he "imprinted" on when they were babies, because he's a werewolf from Twilight.
Claire's a cliché no-nonsense career woman with no time for stinkin' kids! She can't remember how old her nephews are and apparently this is TERRIBLE, even though most of the time I need a few minutes to remember how old *I* am.
Also, Claire somehow manages to keep her fancy high heels on while running through an actual jungle after her nephews, and perhaps most ridiculously, while being chased by a T-Rex. It was unfortunate, because the scene was such a great moment, both for her character and as a callback to Jurassic Park, using the red flare, luring the hero T-Rex out of the enclosure to take care of business, and then running ahead of it in a pair of stupid heels. It should have been a brilliant moment, but all I could think was "TAKE YOUR FUCKING SHOES OFF YOU IDIOT".
My overriding thought the whole way through, (in between the ads for Pandora, Coca Cola and Mercedes) was how much cooler and more interesting it would have been to have Chris Pratt play the uptight buzzkill, while Bryce Dallas Howard was the one fixin' bikes and implausibly training velociraptors. Basically, everything needs to be more like Mad Max: Fury Road.
Jurassic Park had Dr. Ellie Sattler, a paleobotanist and Lex Murphy, a pretty annoying kid, yes, but one who knew her way around 90s tech, two core female leads in the ensemble with some excellent scenes. (Those raptors in the kitchen were legit traumatic to watch as a child and the reflection trick that Lex pulls is still total genius.) Whereas Jurassic World just has Claire barely holding the fort for representation in her dumb shoes, being constantly condescended to. If the beginning of your franchise felt more progressive 22 years ago than this summer's blockbuster addition does, then you're doing something wrong.
There's a very definite uterus subplot too, with Claire's disinterest in kids played as a character flaw (the exchange with her sister, where she says "if I have kids" and Karen irritably corrects her with a curt "WHEN" made me fucking furious, to be quite honest) before she visibly comes around to the idea at the end of the film. Maybe it was meant to be a reference to the original where Sam Neill's Dr. Grant was conflicted over having kids at first, but it felt less like a knowing nod and more like the usual oppressive bullshit that insists women should want to bear children, otherwise they're being selfish and weird. A notion that can fuck right off.
If I were her I would have avoided those kids for seven years too, because they're awful. (Also, their parents are apparently getting divorced, a plotline which serves no purpose other than to have Judy Greer cry in pretty much ALL of her very few scenes.)
|It wouldn't have killed them to throw in a brother-sister combo again. All they had to do was change up the ages and there could have been something even approaching gender balance within the main cast. Or, GOD FORBID, TWO SISTERS. GASP. It's not as if a film about sisters is one of the highest grossing releases of all time, or anything.|
When they first encounter Owen, Claire has just saved his life, but the boys are all "Owen is amazing let's stick with him!" Their aunt just SHOT A PTERODACTYL IN THE FACE, but he's still the cool one. I hate these kids. And their "Your boyfriend is so badass!" line later on in the film made me want them to be eaten by a velociraptor. The little shitheads.
Now, despite all of this giving out, Jurassic World does have lots of great parts to it. It's extremely exciting to see the camera swoop in over the park that Hammond had envisaged all those years ago, and watching Rexes Indominus and Tyrannosaurus bate the heads off each other was hugely entertaining. Nick from New Girl and C.O. Fischer from Orange Is The New Black were great. Chris Pratt has buckets of charisma (despite all the goddamn mansplaining) but it's really no Jurassic Park. It was always going to be near impossible to live up to a film that we fucking loved as kids and have done for the last twenty-odd years, I mean that's a LOT of expectation and build-up. But there are so many ways it could have been better. And it could have used some Jeff Goldblum, but then again, that's true for most things.
|Life finds a bae.|