Monday, April 27, 2015

The Cat's Miaow - Catwoman On Screen #2

It's time for the second part of my Catwoman's-first-appearance-in-Batman recap! (Part One is here.) Let's see how this goes.

(Also, I'm still scrambling for likes on my new Facebook page. Stop judging me!)

When we last left the Caped Crusader, he was Robin-less and faced with two doors, behind one is a ferocious Batman-eating tiger and behind the other is the fierce as fuck Catwoman.

However, Batman has chosen the wrong door, unleashing a fearsome (but actually sort of sleepy-looking) tiger! They swat at each other for a bit, and Batman pulls out some sort of Bat-claws that he uses to scale the wall of the room. Catwoman taunts him over the intercom, with: "It's been a long time between bites for Tinkerbell." Never one to let the chance of a public service announcement slip by, Batman replies: "You should take better care of him, Catwoman. After all, pets are a responsibility." Tinkerbell is clearly a girl-tiger's name, Batman. Cop on.

Hi there, Not Adam West!
Catwoman tells him she's off to deal with Robin, or "pluck his feathers", and signs off by saying "TTFN", before explaining that that means Ta-ta For Now. Catwoman was abbreviating before it was cool. You heard it here first.

Batman pulls some Bat Ear Plugs from his utility belt and "reverses the polarity on his communicator, then increases the audio modulation to about 20,000 decibels, knowing full well it will split the tiger's skull!" Wuh?

Come on, production designers. Someone's slacking off here.
All his fancy technical trickery actually does though is make the tiger lie down in a corner, giving Batman a chance to escape. He finds himself in a maze of passageways and marks his starting point by sticking this fucking FAB glittery Bat-Sticker on the wall.


While Batman is dicking around getting lost in the passages, Catwoman has sprinkled catnip all over Robin and balances him over a tiger pit, with a needlessly complicated system of sand and weights that will drop him into it when the sand runs out, or something. I suppose just tossing him directly to the tigers and being done with it simply isn't as dramatic. Catwoman then leaves while he's dangling there and Julie Newmar is just MADE of gleeful sass for the entirety of these episodes, quite clearly having tons of fun and miaowing as she exits the room.

Batman finally comes to a window overlooking the scene of Robin's impending demise and uses his Batarang to heroically swing down to Robin and help him off the tilting plank thing, so they can smack some henchmen around. They manage to overpower the bad guys and leave them tied up for Chief O'Hara to pick them up, but one gets away.

Back in the Batcave, the Caped Crusader has brought the golden cat statues from Catwoman's lair and tries to figure out what the markings on the back of each of them means. After a quick perusal of the History of Gotham City, Volume II, Batman discovers that when put together, the markings on the cats form a map to the lost treasure of legendary pirate Captain Manx. And where does he keep his Gotham history books? On the Bat-Research shelf, of course! One of the many things I enjoy about this series is that EVERYTHING IS LABELLED. EVERYTHING.

They also figure that they should be able to locate Catwoman from the radioactive spray they covered one of the statues in, as she had it with her for so long. I suppose that's one way to defeat your enemies, Batman. A slow death from radiation poisoning.

Batman switches on the Batometer and to stop it from picking up on all the radiation on the statues, Robin puts them into the lead-shielded compartment in the boot of the Batmobile. Of course it has a lead-shielded compartment, sure why wouldn't it?

They follow the Batometer to Catwoman, who has uncovered the treasure in a cave with her remaining henchman, Leo. "Now there's just two of us left to share it!" exclaims poor, foolish Leo. Catwoman gives him a look like she's about to eat him for dinner and says "Yeessssss. The two of us." and it's pretty clear where this is going for Leo.

Meanwhile, the Batmobile comes hurtling along the road to the cave, while landmines explode underneath it without managing to do any actual damage to the car or its passengers, due to its Bat-armour. Batman and Robin pull over when they see Catwoman's car and the van that Leo arrived in and find a trail of footprints. "Only one man has feet that big," deduces Robin, who must have memorised every secondary character's shoe size, and they follow the trail into the cave. They arrive just as Catwoman has sprayed Leo with some manner of knockout gas from the handle of her whip and is about to make off with the treasure.

They chase her through the cave, until she reaches a gorge. Batman tells her to stop and that she'll never make the jump while holding on to the bag of treasure, but she goes for it anyway because Catwoman don't listen to no man.

Unfortunately, she doesn't quite make it and ends up holding on to the ledge on the far side. Batman tries to get her to drop the bag and grab on to the rope he's about to throw to her, "Drop it Catwoman, otherwise you'll fall into that bottomless pit!" She does no such thing however, and ends up losing her grip, falling into the crevasse along with her bag of loot.

"Do you think she survived?" bleats Robin. "A cat is supposed to have nine lives," replies Batman, while they pick up a cat that's been left behind in the cave. So instead of conducting any kind of search for her, or indeed the treasure, which was supposed to go towards the orphans of Gotham, they just shrug and leave with the cat.

Back in Wayne Manor, and back to four tier chess (still don't know why), until Aunt Harriet comes barrelling in, carrying the aforementioned cat, calling it a thief because it stole the lobster she was making for dinner that evening. "It steals everything it can lay its paws on!" I love it. Even Catwoman's actual cat is a villain. Robin's reasoning: "You have to understand, Aunt Harriet, that cat comes from a broken home!" Robin is weird.

Anyway, that concludes Catwoman's first appearance in Batman.


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