Among the very cool presents that the Bear got for me this Christmas, one in particular was RIDICULOUSLY exciting to open. For you see it was the 1988 pastel-coloured masterpiece of board game tie-ins, the Sweet Valley High game.
|ER. MAH. GERD.|
Each player gets a scoreboard which has a list of items to collect for their respective big dates, including a teacher and a boyfriend. For some reason Enid's boyfriend is Winston Egbert, which, as we all know, is clearly crazy talk. Also, Mr. Collins is part of Elizabeth's items to collect for her "Weekend Bike Tour", because as ever, there's a man who wouldn't know how to be appropriate if his life depended on it. Step away from the sixteen-year-olds, Roger. Also, why the hell is this old Mr. Fellows dude at Lila's birthday party? Goddamn Sweet Valley High teachers. You can't take your eye off them for a second.
The person playing as Jessica gets to roll first, because obviously, and if it was any other way, you just know that she'd come up with some kind of scheme to ruin your life. She's done it for less. The object of the game is to make your way around the board, collect all your items and get back to your home square with everything intact. The item cards are all upside down too, so you need to try to remember what's where once they've been looked at. (I couldn't for the life of me remember where Enid's surfboard was, and could only seem to say it like Beyoncé, so there was quite a bit of "Where the hell is my surfboard? MY SURFBORT!")
Also, it's not so easy when there's frequent "Change Boyfriends" squares to land on, which led to quite a lot of boyfriend-stealing and Ken Matthews being passed around the table like some kind of man-whore, as he was the only boyfriend card we unearthed for a lot of the game. (We didn't even find Todd until the game was over. Fish/Elizabeth was most displeased with Todd's excellent hiding skills. "Todd, you bastard!")
In amongst the items there are also "Go to detention" cards to trip you up and make you miss your next turn, as well as a deck of cards to draw from when you land on a "play a card" square that could either make things easier for someone or mess up their scoreboard completely. They mostly seemed to focus on Jessica constantly screwing people over for, like, no reason, as is to be expected.
In the end, as in life, Jessica (and in this case, Mam) was victorious and managed to sneak back to her home square with everything she needed for her prom date (including Bruce Patman), while everyone else was ganging up on me and stealing Winston from my grasp - Elizabeth's goody two shoes came loose pretty effing fast, let me tell you - when I was almost back to my square with a full card.
It's actually really good fun to play and the boyfriend stealing side of things is hilarious. Those Sweet Valley boys get around even more than Jessica does. And that's saying something.