Monday, January 05, 2015

Sweet Valley High - THE GAME!

I demand a recount. Christmas can't be over, it just CAN'T. Although considering the fact that the other day, when I bent down to pick something up, a button LITERALLY pinged right off the front of my coat, maybe it's just as well. Christmas belly has reached critical mass. So now we're all back at work, trying to remember passwords and what it is that we actually do here (I had to write something down a minute ago and suddenly realised I hadn't even held a pen in two weeks), I'm going to distract you with something frivolous and fun.

Among the very cool presents that the Bear got for me this Christmas, one in particular was RIDICULOUSLY exciting to open. For you see it was the 1988 pastel-coloured masterpiece of board game tie-ins, the Sweet Valley High game.

I took it home to Waterford for the Christmas break and roped my mother, my brother Fish and his girlfriend Princess into playing it with me. I was Enid (I'm probably secretly most like her anyway, despite my delusions of Lila Fowler awesomeness and caviar sandwiches), Mam was Jessica and seemed to revel in Jess's bad behaviour, Fish strapped on a pair of goody two shoes to play as Elizabeth and Princess played as Lila. (I was kinda jealous.)

Each player gets a scoreboard which has a list of items to collect for their respective big dates, including a teacher and a boyfriend. For some reason Enid's boyfriend is Winston Egbert, which, as we all know, is clearly crazy talk. Also, Mr. Collins is part of Elizabeth's items to collect for her "Weekend Bike Tour", because as ever, there's a man who wouldn't know how to be appropriate if his life depended on it. Step away from the sixteen-year-olds, Roger. Also, why the hell is this old Mr. Fellows dude at Lila's birthday party? Goddamn Sweet Valley High teachers. You can't take your eye off them for a second.

The person playing as Jessica gets to roll first, because obviously, and if it was any other way, you just know that she'd come up with some kind of scheme to ruin your life. She's done it for less. The object of the game is to make your way around the board, collect all your items and get back to your home square with everything intact. The item cards are all upside down too, so you need to try to remember what's where once they've been looked at. (I couldn't for the life of me remember where Enid's surfboard was, and could only seem to say it like Beyoncé, so there was quite a bit of "Where the hell is my surfboard? MY SURFBORT!")

Also, it's not so easy when there's frequent "Change Boyfriends" squares to land on, which led to quite a lot of boyfriend-stealing and Ken Matthews being passed around the table like some kind of man-whore, as he was the only boyfriend card we unearthed for a lot of the game. (We didn't even find Todd until the game was over. Fish/Elizabeth was most displeased with Todd's excellent hiding skills. "Todd, you bastard!")

In amongst the items there are also "Go to detention" cards to trip you up and make you miss your next turn, as well as a deck of cards to draw from when you land on a "play a card" square that could either make things easier for someone or mess up their scoreboard completely. They mostly seemed to focus on Jessica constantly screwing people over for, like, no reason, as is to be expected.

In the end, as in life, Jessica (and in this case, Mam) was victorious and managed to sneak back to her home square with everything she needed for her prom date (including Bruce Patman), while everyone else was ganging up on me and stealing Winston from my grasp - Elizabeth's goody two shoes came loose pretty effing fast, let me tell you - when I was almost back to my square with a full card.

It's actually really good fun to play and the boyfriend stealing side of things is hilarious. Those Sweet Valley boys get around even more than Jessica does. And that's saying something.


  1. I need to play this game! Also, my sister and I have coined the phrase 'Bolg Nollaig' to describe Christmas weight-gain! And it rhymes too!

  2. Briliant! I love how eager everyone was to play. I found an Addams Family board game in a charity shop once and NOBODY would play with me. Can I borrow Fish and Princess?

    1. I'll throw my Mam into the deal too sure, although there'll be a considerable amount of gloating when she inevitably wins! Also, an Addams Family game sounds so deadly!

  3. Bolg nollaig! Class :) although all i can see is yer man Bolg from the hobbit in a santy hat heh

  4. I just can't see Jessica wearing that pouffy pink dress to prom. Surely it should be a good deal shorter and sparklier and sleeveless-ier?

    1. Excellent point! Jessica's dresses almost always involve the words "slinky" or "thigh high slit".

  5. Hi Kitty, I have this board game too, I must bring it out for old times sake! Hilarious as usual!

  6. I lol'd at your Ken Matthews man-whore comment. I hope that's okay.


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