Back before Christmas, I got an email from a somewhat irate pharmacist. You see, a survey had been sent to her place of work and appeared to have been sent to chemists all over the country. Unfortunately, this wasn't the fun kind, like the old "would you rather fight a hundred duck-sized horses or one horse-sized duck?" classic.
In fact, it was most decidedly anti-fun, as it was from Human Life International and you just KNOW what bags of craic anti-choice organisations like those dudes are. i.e. Not even a little bit. Anyway, it angered this particular pharmacist to the point that she got in touch with me in a bid to get more people to see what Human Life LOOK AT THE BABY International are up to these days. And I'm not one to turn down an opportunity to make fun of anti-choice tomfuckery.
There was a cover letter and testimonials enclosed along with the survey, which explained how they're trying to compile a list of chemists that don't sell "abortifacients/contraceptive products", because why just call them contraceptives when you can unnecessarily shoehorn in a word with a big juicy ABORT in it.
The letter opens with:
"We have all been shocked at recent reports of chemical warfare on children in the Middle East."
Okaay, do go on.
"However, no less shocking is the attack on human life by chemical contraceptives, morning-after pill, intra-uterine devices and other abortifacient products."
Er...but these things all prevent the possibility of getting knocked up, so how is preventing something from happening in the first place an attack, exactly? And I'm pretty sure that the fact that I'm on the pill is a lot less shocking than the slaughter of children in a horrible war. You dickbags.
Anyway, the letter claims that they CONSTANTLY get asked if they know "even one pharmacy in the country that does NOT dispense abortifacients/contraceptive products" (because that's exactly how people talk in real life) and states that many of their followers would travel long distances to go to such a haven of 1960s Ireland.
Right, because when you've got a headache all you really want to do is take a day trip to Donegal for some fucking ibuprofen just so you can avoid being upset by a Durex logo and the notion that sex can just be for fun and not relentless baby-making.
The executive director of Human Life International is our old pal Patrick Stranglewank McCrystal, just the person to head up an anti-gay, anti-vaccine, anti-anyone-having-fun-of-any-kind organisation.
One of the testimonials is from Caroline Hubert, who was a pharmacist in the UK that decided in 1994 that other people's birth control choices were suddenly her business and decided to stop supplying contraceptives for customers.
"My company accepted my position as a conviction of conscience and I
continued to work at this branch for the next 10 years until I left to
accommodate the needs of my own growing family of 8 children."
I have to admit, I actually snort-laughed when I read that bit. EIGHT CHILDREN? Jesus Christ woman, just because you were constantly pregnant for most of your adult life doesn't mean everyone else has to be too.
So, on one hand, I kind of hope that an overwhelming majority of chemists threw the lot in the bin on opening this particular bit of post, although on the other I'd love it if everyone just drew a massive cock on the survey page and posted that back to them. Because I'm childish like that and fuck these guys.
(Although I must admit that if they did happen to compile a list of backward-thinking chemists, I'd love to see it, just to make sure that I never ever make the mistake of inadvertently supporting a business that thinks that safe sex is a bad thing.)
Names and contact details have been removed from the letter to protect the non-crazy.