Monday, October 29, 2012

A Long Overdue Paris Post

A few weeks ago, myself and the Bear, along with Billy and The Incredible Mulq went off to Paris for a few days and I'm only getting around to posting about it now because, well, I'm easily distracted. Also, I recently fractured my ankle, which isn't really an excuse seeing as I've been confined to the couch since then, but still. Anyway, Paris was all kinds of fun and there were many many Taken jokes. "Where's my scarf?" *Liam Neeson voice* "It's been TAKEN."

The Friday was spent in Disneyland, where I kept breaking into a run without really meaning to, because I was so excited and just love it there so goddamn much.

There was quite a lot of running around to get a go (and a second go) on all the rollercoasters, in fact at one point the Bear and I were told to stop running by one of the Indiana Jones rollercoaster staff, like we were bold children. It's the park's 20th birthday this year, so there waas a big parade halfway through the day, which we didn't think we'd have any interest in as we were busy making our way to Space Mountain and Star Tours at the time. That was until The Incredible Mulq and I saw the floats coming down the street with Ariel and Rapunzel waving at the crowds and found ourselves drawn in and taking about a million photos.

However, the real birthday celebration spectacle was right before the park closed for the night, where a light show was projected onto the castle, alongside the big songs from Disney films over the years. It was genuinely one of the best things I've ever seen. At one point the castle had red brick chimneys and dancing chimney sweeps projected onto it for Step In Time from Mary Poppins. I involuntarily started dancing at that point, it's physically impossible to stay still during that song. My review of it at the time was something along the lines of "The parades can go fuck themselves, THAT was amazing." It's pretty hard to describe what the whole thing was like and almost impossible to get a decent photo to do it justice, but here's one anyway from when it went all steampunky and I nearly passed out from excitement. 

During the last minute flurry of not needing anything but wanting to buy everything in the shops on our way out, I noticed a pair of knickers with a face on them. Not just any face though, the face of Marie from The Aristocats. A kitten with a child's voice. Pretty weird.

Ladies and gentlemen, a Disney pussy joke.

It rained for the rest of the weekend, so Saturday was spent at a covered flea market, almost having lunch in the cafe from Amelie, until we got there and found that it was jammed with people and overpriced to boot and making our way to Sacre Coeur, where it stopped raining long enough for us to see the view and amble to the nearest pub.

A necklace I bought at the flea market.

On Sunday, the Bear and I attempted to do a photos with landmarks day, but the unrelenting rain was making it a lot less fun that it should have been. We got as far as Notre Dame and saw a ferret though, so that was cool. I think I'd quite like a ferret now.

While taking shelter from the rain in the swanky shopping mall under the Louvre, we used the free wifi to try to find something to do indoors and discovered that the Decorative Arts museum nearby was running an exhibition of Star Wars toys. I was trying to find out more on my phone when the Bear just looked at me said "What are you still reading for!? There are TOYS there and they might let me PLAY WITH THEM."

Unfortunately, we weren't allowed to play with anything, but it was still awesome. We actually did it backwards by accident, as we ended up in the room with the toys from the recent films first and zipped through that pretty quick because really, who gives a fuck about those toys. The area for the original films was properly deadly though. There was original poster art, promotional shop signs from the seventies, moulds for action figures, concept art and printers proofs for packaging.

We totally win at being in Paris.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Every Sperm Is Sacred

Earlier this year, my lovely friend Sam met some American nuns in a chipper during the Eucharistic Congress. He took their picture because I think we could all agree that a photo of nuns in proper old school habits waiting for a batter burger in a chip shop would be deadly. It was. He subsequently emailed it to them, but then ended up on a mailing list and was sent an anti contraception video by the order. In the meantime, the video has done the rounds online, appearing on Jezebel and The Huffington Post and it is genuinely the MOST INSANE thirteen and a half minutes you will ever experience IN YOUR LIFE.

Now I'd be the first person to say balls to that on seeing that a YouTube clip was running anything over three minutes and doesn't even feature a cat doing something cute, but SERIOUSLY, stick with it because you will not regret watching this entire thing. Although you might get a pain in your face from laughing and pulling faces of disbelief. I know I did.

So let's have a little look at these alleged truth bombs being dropped all up on us by the good sisters, shall we?

According to the video, women who take contraceptives don't give off sexy fertility pheromones any more, so the menfolk are all confused.

"What is a man to do when the majority of women are contracepting and he no longer finds them desirable?"

Aha! So THIS is why no-one fancies anyone anymore and everyone in the world has stopped having sex, right? Finally, the truth! However, contracepting is not a word.

"Contracepting women degrade themselves through immodest dress and action in an attempt to attract men who are confused from a lack of fertile women." (Seriously, not an actual word.)

Those WHORES. With their slutty wine and their slutty make-up, painting their GODLESS FACES. And you'd think that if they're going to degrade themselves they could at least do it in a decent pair of shoes.

Now, before you laugh off the video's claims like the feckless tramp you undoubtedly are, they're about to drop some SCIENCE on you. In the seventies, a researcher injected some lady monkeys with a contraceptive, which caused the alpha male to stop being attracted to them. Then ALL the lady monkeys were injected and as a result, the alpha male started having GAY MONKEY SEX because he lost interest in all the females. So if your boyfriend is a chimpanzee and you're taking the Pill, then congratulations you hussy, you've just turned your monkey boyfriend GAY. I hope you're proud of yourself.

Also, your pill will KILL YOU.

If you're trying to be serious, maybe fluorescent pink isn't the best choice.

"It is impossible to calculate the number of deaths due to contraception because mortality is often attributed to another cause."

Like, say, oh I don't know... the ACTUAL cause?

But nevermind all that, because just taking the pill in the morning means that you're KILLING BABIES. Don't you see that preventing an egg from becoming fertilised is THE EXACT SAME as trampling over newborns every day and stabbing them in the heart with the heels of your whore shoes? WELL IT IS. BECAUSE SCIENCE.

"It's impossible to calculate how many millions of babies have died [from women using contraceptives]."

But wait! There's more! Those fiendish contraceptabots are peeing oestrogen into the water supply and making everyone infertile! Surely a fate worse than neon pink DEATH!

I'm not sure what's more offensive, every claim made by this video, or the fact that they had the audacity to use the Jurassic Park typeface.

By the way, that scrolling Star Wars list reads: adultery, divorce, abortion, homosexuality, sexually transmitted diseases, promiscuity, adultery, divorce, abortion, homosexuality, sexually transmitted disease, promiscuity, adultery, divorce, abortion, homosexuality, sexually transmitted disease and promiscuity. So good they listed everything thrice. In case you missed any of them the first time around.

Something else this video taught me is that placing the word FACT in front of any old bullshit automatically MAKES IT TRUE.

Exhibit A:

According to the video everyone in the WORLD could live in Texas quite comfortably. WHAT A GOSH DARN RELIEF, GUYS. I'm off to get my cowboy hat and see if JR Ewing will put me up in Southfork.

There's also a great part where they bring up different birth rates for countries. Apparently Japanese people are in danger of becoming extinct. Then there's the statistics for each country and the USA one is particularly great.

Because ewww brown babies don't count, obviously.

So, there's not enough babies in the world and selfish trampy women deciding that they want to get the ride and not be knocked up are ruining everything. However, if you DO want a baby but have to use IVF, well God is STILL mad at you.You seriously cannot win with these nuns.

"This creation of life comes with a price. For every single child born, thirty are created. The other twenty nine are either killed or frozen."

IVF IS KILLING SPARE BABIES. Except they're not actually babies at all, but let's not allow logic or facts to get in the way here.

Oh and because of this "birth control mentality" (i.e. doing what you like and not being constantly pregnant), some guy in California fucks his dogs and it's our fault for some reason.

Wait a second, they weren't talking about doggy style at all! They want to have sex with tigers and bonobo monkeys! Those crafty BASTARDS!

One of the most jaw-dropping quotes from the video (and there are SO FUCKING MANY of those) is the following:

"If you had a valuable racehorse, because of its worth, you'd want it to have as many offspring as possible. But the value of a horse is nothing compared to the infinite value of each and every person."

Oh and this one is pretty good too: "We're not stray cats that need to be neutered. We should want to procreate."

Ladies! You're more important than racehorses and you're not cats and as such you must be pregnant AT ALL TIMES or God will smite you right in the vagina. And then you'll be sorry.

Also, this:

Yeah, let that sink in, sluts. Welcome to Deathtown, population: YOU.

I have to say, I sure hope the voiceover lady was seconds away from going into labour while recording for this video, or at the very least she should have been heavily pregnant while breastfeeding one of her eight small children. Otherwise, she's no better than us contraceptive-using, non-pregnant floozies, right? Right!

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Quelque Chose #18

In 1932, at the age of 22, an Irish girl called Margaret Kelly was a showgirl and choreographer at the Folies Bergère in Paris. She was nicknamed "Miss Bluebell", because of her striking blue eyes and created her own dance group, called the Bluebell Girls. She employed the tallest girls she could find, often recruiting classical dancers who has grown too tall to become professional ballerinas. In 1948, she moved the Bluebell Girls to the Lido and was notoriously protective of them, as rich men quite liked the idea of having a Bluebell Girl for a wife. She often repeated the line "My girls are my girls." To this day, the Bluebell Girls still dance at the Lido, an apparently unmatched record of longevity in show business.

Thursday, October 04, 2012

From Hell

Towards the end of next week the Bear and I, along with Billy and The Incredible Mulq, are skipping off to Paris for a few days and I am SO GODDAMN EXCITED. It's been three years since my last trip there and I'm having serious Disneyland withdrawals. Anyway, quite by coincidence, I came across this totally fucking bonkers and amazing Parisian restaurant online a few days ago. The downside? It closed somewhere around 1950. Boo.

Café de l'Enfer was a Hell-themed restaurant and opened in the late nineteenth century in Pigalle. It was possibly one of the first ever themed restaurants and doesn't it look like it was about a bajillion times more fun than Planet Hollywood or the Hard Rock Cafe?

Just look at this fucking awesome door! It might just be one of the best things I've ever seen. Raaawwr! THANK YOU INTERNET.

The interior was described by National Geographic as having "plaster lost souls writhing on its walls", the doorman wore a Satan suit and greeted customers by saying "Enter and be damned!" and the waiters were dressed as devils. Also:

An order for three black coffees spiked with cognac was shrieked back to the kitchen as: "Three seething bumpers of molten sins, with a dash of brimstone intensifier!"

Ok, to be honest, all the screaming and the lost souls eyeballing you while you eat your dinner might have made for a somewhat stressful dining experience, but Jaysus it would have been tremendous craic too.

Some smart arse went on to open a cafe next door called Heaven. It looks lovely and all, but I know which one I'd rather go to. I'll see your starry celestial entrance and raise you a FUCKING GIANT DEMON MOUTH.

Apparently a Monoprix supermarket stands on the site these days. It's a goddamn crime that a building facade as awesome as that was ever torn down. Fuck you, Paris.*

*Not really, I love you Paris, please don't rain all over us when we are in you.

Images yoinked from Retronaut.