Thursday, August 09, 2012

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery (Vol. 7)

Right, where was I? Oh yes, E.L. James had just mangled the English language by making the word "pretty" a noun and I blacked out from the rage it subsequently induced.

Catch up here: Volumes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6.

So. Anastasia tries to return the fancy first edition Tess books that Christian bought for her way back when I was younger and not as filled with hate as I appear to be now. He gets all pissed off and says he's going to be buying her stuff whether she likes it or not so she may as well get used to it. She says it makes her feel like a hooker. He says tough shit. That's a summary of about a page or so of fucking terrible dialogue.

Anastasia then decides that they should discuss the soft limits of the contract, but instead, Christian distracts her by talking about her stepfather and the jobs she's applying for in Seattle and plying her with champagne to get her drunk. This is the guy who repeatedly goes on about how she has to trust him, by the way. Way to go, dickface. He asks her if she has eaten anything, because Christian Grey's day isn't complete until he gets an inventory of the contents of Ana's stomach. She rolls her eyes at him and he warns her that the next time she does that he's going to take her over his knee. Speaking of knees, I think mine could do with being introduced to his balls right around now.

They go through the soft limits, i.e. things that are acceptable to the submissive and Ana says she doesn't want to do any fisting or anal. He agrees to the no-fisting but says "I'd really like to claim your ass, Anastasia." Apart from the fact that she JUST SAID she didn't want to, what's he going to do, plant a flag in it? Fuck off, Christian.

I hereby claim this ass in the name of Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.

They go through bondage and sex toys and whatnot, and Christian keeps laughing at her because she has no idea what half of the stuff is and he's a fucking jerk. Then when she tells him not to laugh when she asks another question, he says "I've apologised twice", GLARES AT HER and then says "Don't make me do it again." I'm running out of swearwords to call this fucking bag of douche.

He then tells her that he's willing to try the "more" that she wants, as in, be a regular boyfriend, but only for "maybe one night a week" and it probably won't work anyway, says he. Even though he's making her do all this sex-related stuff that she doesn't really want to and that she's clearly not comfortable with, he can't even commit to something like MAYBE going to the fucking cinema with her every once in a while. Oh and he'll only maybe try as long as she accepts the graduation present he bought for her, which is a car. ERMAHGERD. DID NOT SEE THAT COMING.

She's pissed off because she specifically told him not to buy her a car and then he's mad at her for being mad at him and for not being the docile, passive sex doll he wants her to be so he fucks her in yet another hideously unsexy and annoying sex scene with about a million "oh my" occurrences thrown in.

Afterwards, when they're lying in bed, she touches his chest and even though he's wearing a t-shirt (more Winnie the Pooh style riding), he tells her not to. All along, the book has been dropping all these hints about as subtle as a sledgehammer about how he doesn't like to be touched, and when Ana asks why, he says "Because I'm fifty shades of fucked-up, Anastasia." Fifty shades of asshole, more like.

Also, that line totally reminded me of this:

She asks him if he got her tipsy on purpose earlier and he says yes and acts like getting her drunk and subsequently geting her to agree to stuff is actually him doing her a favour. SOUND. Then he makes some joke about kidnapping her, even though with his behaviour so far it'd hardly be a stretch for him. She rolls her eyes at him, but he already warned her that he'd spank her if she did and even though she points out that she hasn't signed anything yet and is quite obviously scared now, he insists on it anyway.

She thinks to herself "Should I run?", I think YES, YES YOU FUCKING SHOULD. FAR FAR AWAY. So he spanks her eighteen times, and it sounds fucking horrible and painful and then they have sex again and I want to punch him in the fucking face. He leaves, Ana falls apart crying AGAIN and rings her mam, who tells her to come and visit her in Georgia. Kate then comes along, and seeing that Ana is upset yet again, tells her to dump him.

There's some more tedious emailing between her and Christian, finishing with her telling him she's sad that he never stays with her. She shuts down her laptop and cries some more. Next thing, she hears Kate shouting outside, telling someone to get the fuck out of their house. Christian then bursts into her room and can't figure out why she's so upset, because it couldn't POSSIBLY have anything to do with the fact that he REPEATEDLY HIT HER when she obviously DID NOT WANT HIM TO. She tells him that she didn't like being spanked, he says she wasn't supposed to like it, (DIE CHRISTIAN) she gets a bit sarcastic with him, he narrows his eyes and says "Careful" in a warning tone and I want to push this fucking cunt off a very high building. So he ends up staying with her for the night, because for some reason it didn't occur to her to call the cops and have him forcibly removed from her house.

At work the next day, a courier arrives with a delivery for her. It's a Blackberry from Christian, because he needs to be able to contact her "at all times". (AHEM.) Then there's EVEN MORE horrible boring emails, even though she's at work and he's supposed to be in a meeting and don't Blackberry phones have a free messenger service thing anyway, which would make infinite more sense than constant emails? After work, she goes for a few drinks with Jose, his attempted rape all forgiven, and gets home to find a heap of missed calls from Christian. She had said earlier that she'd email him when she got home from work, but forgot to, because she was busy HAVING A LIFE. He left her a cranky voicemail too, and as she goes to ring him back, this is how she feels: "With a deep dread uncurling in my stomach, I scroll down to his number and press dial". Jesus Christ like, how many more clues do you need for it to be clear that he's a TERRIBLE PERSON?

The next day, Ana and Kate move into their Kate's new Seattle apartment and a delivery of champagne arrives from Christian, even though she didn't give him her new address. "Stalking is one of his specialities" is her explanation to Kate and apparently this isn't cause for concern. On Sunday, she drives to Christian's place (in yet another of Kate's dresses) because he has arranged for a gynecologist to meet her there to sort her out with the pill. Seriously. It's such a weird and creepy thing to do. Fucking hell. When the doctor arrives, Christian actually says to Ana:

"Ready for some contraception?"

What? What's the appropriate response to that, exactly? A high five and a "Fuck YES I'm ready, let's get this contraception ON, motherfucker!", perhaps? However, instead of that, Anastasia gasps and says "You're not going to come as well are you?" AND LOOK AT WHAT HE SAYS:

"I'd pay very good money to watch, believe me, Anastasia, but I don't think the good doctor would approve."

What the actual fuck is going on here? Does he think a gynecological exam is SEXY somehow? Like it's actually code for naked pillowfight or something? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU CHRISTIAN? "Ok, put your feet into the stirrups here and just ignore Mr. Grey over there having a wank in the corner." GAHHHH!

Christian Grey's interpretation of a smear test.

After the doctor has left, Ana winds Christian up by telling him she can't have sex for the next four weeks, his face falls, then she goes "Gotcha!" because it's a hilarious prank. In turn, he then looks all angry, which scares the shit out of her and then goes "Gotcha!" as well. Then I wonder who exactly I need to contact in order to have a giant fucking Acme anvil dropped on these two assholes.

Christian then chains her up in his playroom and whacks her a bit with a riding crop, which is enough to make her come (of course). Then she's wrecked tired from orgasming all over the place and wonders "Will he let me sleep, perchance to dream?" Hey Anastasia, c'mere to me a minute so I can STAB YOU IN YOUR IMAGINARY NECK. Anyway, he doesn't let her sleep, but binds her hands with the cable ties he bought from her ages ago and fucks her again. Afterwards, when he cuts the cable ties off with a scissors, he says "I declare this Ana open" and if I hadn't been reading this tripe on my iPad, I would have flung it out a window.


  1. There seems to be very little sex and an awful lot of emailing in this book. How can so many people say they enjoy it?

  2. Vol. 1-6 was effed up & hilarious, Vol. 7 sounds absolutely ATROCIOUS. It disturbs me that women all around the world are buying this rubbish in hordes. I'll stick to my Agent Provocateur - thankyewverymuch.

  3. I absolutely love your posts on this bloody shite book! Read them all aloud to my mum and she was in stitches! Honestly this pair both need to be shot. If they weren't fictional characters.

  4. New reader here. I'm glad that James wrote this truly awful sounding book -just because it made you write these fantastically funny posts! Thank you for the best laugh I've had in ages (am only sorry that you had to endure that much bad dialogue first)!

  5. One of my favourite author's tweeted this link and I've just spent the last 45 minutes reading all the posts from the beginning.

    I had to stop reading the book because it was so fucking dire and I never even got to the first sex scene. I have flicked through it and spent some time reading the worst parts aloud to my husband and then enjoying our time together rolling around on the floor laughing.

    Anastasia is the biggest Mary-Sue I've ever seen outside of the fanfic community. She's the most drippy, godawful character ever created and I cannot understand that my otherwise sane and intelligent friends go gaga over these books. They're just HORRIBLE!

    Your blog, on the other hand, is the most awesomethingever and I love it! Thank you so much for...I don't know what. For seeing this book for what it really is, I guess. And for being so damn hilarious about it.

    You've got a new fan, and I eagerly await volume 8!

  6. This is so hilarious! You made my day - again! Keep on reading (I know it's hard but you already managed more than half ;-) ) and blogging! I absolutely love your comments on Filthy Shades of Crap!

  7. Holy Moly @Tamara, we're only just over half way through the shitest book ever?

    Haven't read it and now refuse to. But will of course continue to read the genius that is this blog!

    1. Yes, it's about 500 pages of the 839 pages that Kitty covered so far (e-book, I don't know about the printed issue and I refuse to find out!). Look at it that way: We're in for some more funny ravings about this piece of shit... Go for it, Kitty!

  8. This is amazing. If I ever meet you I'm going to give you a fiver.

  9. Kitty, as I've already told you, your posts are brilliant, I'm looking forward to the next one.

    I still don't understand the popularity of this crap. I picked up a copy to see what it was all about, the book opened on the description of the kitchen, I read 10 lines and I gave up. I'm really worried at the number of women apparently finding this appealing.

    Anyway, these books fail the Oscar Wilde test: they're not immoral, they're badly written as you so wittily demonstrate! Keep up the good work.

  10. LOVE! These posts are my favourite thing on the internet right now.

    Seriously. High five.

    (p.s. This crime against literature is now the best selling book of all time?? What. The Fuck.)

  11. Hilarious!!! Also can I just add that one of the millions of things which also irritated me about these books was the constant "rustle of a foil wrapper" every time there was a ride!! Now dont get me wrong Im all about safety but i dont think there was a need to mention the "foil wrapper" every time they got the ride! That is all. LaineyB (cos i dont have any of the ID's mentioned in the dropdown list & Im hungover so I didnt have the brainpower to actually try! :-D

  12. Dude you used the F word like 15 times... My mom won't let me read these posts anymore.

    1. Yeah seriously... Cos my mom is mary poppins... (thats a joke.. My mom isn't actually mary poppins... The only thing thats serious here is how many times the F word was used here!!)

    2. An appropriate amout of times to use the F word due to the amout of shit kitty had to read to put the blog up!!! Lol

  13. You manage to pick out all the bits that I screamed, swore and rolled my eyes at. Truly awful books (I read all three just so I felt I could comment on them accurately) and believe me they don't get any better. Saw a young teenage girl reading it on a train and made me want to rip it out of her hands and scream 'Don't read this! Life is not like this! You shouldn't let men treat you like this!' Kind of wish I had now. Look forward to vol. 8!

  14. "Ok, put your feet into the stirrups here and just ignore Mr. Grey over there having a wank in the corner."


    I wonder which part he finds sexier. The bit where they insert the speculum or that hot moment where the doctor scrapes some cells from the wall of your cervix. Mmmm scraping

  15. This is brilliant. Love the blog and espically the Irish dead pan, we take no shit tone!!!

  16. Christ on a bike! I worry about EL James' mental health!

  17. I found the e-mailing hilarious. Who has time to change subjects and signatures that often? Just fucking hit reply and have done with it.

  18. I haven't read the book (and I'm glad of it) but reading here that it genuinely says "Will he let me sleep perchance to dream?" made me want to stab myself in the eyeball. Absolutely loving the Fifty Shades bashing. Your rage makes me happy (which I realise having typed this that it sounds like something Mr Greynus himself would say ...)


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