Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery (Vol. 6)

Here we go again.

Volumes 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5, if you need to catch up.
 

So, after Christian turned up unsolicited at Ana's door in a frightening display of controlling and unhinged behaviour and rode her, he fucks away off home. As soon as he leaves, Ana starts crying because she wishes she could have a regular relationship with Christian, instead of one that needs a contract and involves flogging and punishment. So she decides to move on with her life, get a job and change her identity to escape from evil Christian and his unnerving ways.

No, of course she doesn't.

She bangs on about how she's "reminded once more of Icarus soaring too close to the Sun", (a metaphor she trots out five times in total throughout this book because it's so profound and meaningful 'n shit) and sobs to Kate about Christian using sex as a weapon. Instead of telling Ana to cut her losses and run the fuck away from him, Kate reasons that he has commitment issues.

Ana then shovels some coal into "fires up" the laptop to find an email from Christian, to which she replies with a big long list of issues she has with the contract. Then he shouts at her through the medium of the caps lock key, telling her to go to bed and I tell him to fuck off like he can hear me.

The next day, Christian emails her again and three pages later all they've done is email back and forth bickering over the definition of the word submissive and whether or not she's "allowed" to drive herself to his hotel (I've got a big bag of FUCK YOU with Christian's name all over it) to meet him for their date the following evening. It's like eavesdropping on the most tedious conversation of all time.

While Ana is at work the next day, Paul, her boss's son pesters her ALL DAY for a date, which is insane because Ana is completely devoid of personality and yet every dude she knows so far has been trying their hardest to get off with her. She must be pants-burstingly hot, it's the only explanation.

Before meeting Christian, she gets ready for their date, borrowing a dress from Kate because apparently she doesn't even own ONE decent frock herself. In fact, I think she has borrowed clothes from Kate every time she has had some manner of date with Christian. Oh and then this line happens:

"I rarely wear make-up – it intimidates me. None of my literary heroines had to deal with make-up – maybe I’d know more about it if they had."

Oh just SHUT UP YOU INSUFFERABLE TWATBAG. Incessantly harping on about literary heroines and Tess of the d'Urbervilles DOES NOT make you interesting and quirky, it makes you an utter PAIN in the HOLE.

Elizabeth Bennet wants you to shut the fuck up.

She meets Christian in the hotel bar, in a shock twist he starts interrogating her about whether she's hungry or if she has eaten anything that day. She admits to not having eaten all day and as much as I hate to side with Christian on this one, you actually DO have to fucking eat at some point during the day, otherwise that's getting awfully close to an eating disorder. He asks whether she wants to have dinner where they are or upstairs in his suite, to which she replies: “I think we should stay in public, on neutral ground.” Fair enough, right? Check out what he says:

“Do you think that would stop me?” he says softly, a sensual warning.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? This man is THE CREEPIEST character I have ever come across, in anything, ever. I can't begin to fathom how women worldwide are swooning over this potential sex offender. Christian Grey, romantic hero MY ARSE.

He makes this guy look like James Bond.

It turns out he booked a private dining room anyway, regardless of what her answer was going to be so I don't know why the fuck he bothered asking. He actually SAYS "no public" and I think to myself "HE MEANS NO WITNESSES! RUN AWAY! HE'S GOING TO MURDER YOU AND WEAR YOUR SKIN LIKE THAT GUY IN SILENCE OF THE LAMBS!"

He had already ordered for her (of course) and when her main course of cod arrives, says "I hope you like fish". To which I found myself thinking: Well it's not like you bothered to find out before ordering, fuckface. They go over some of her issues with the contract for a bit, there's more food haranguing and then he tries to convince her to have sex with him in the dining room. She says no and for once I'm not completely exasperated with her. She tells him she has a lot to consider and needs time to think. To which he replies:

"I could make you stay", he threatens.

Oh REALLY? Just you fucking try it then, because I believe that's called FALSE IMPRISONMENT, YOU FUCKING FUCK. He then goes on about how he thought she was a born submissive when he first met her, as she was "all yes sir, no sir", as apparently he's unfamiliar with basic fucking manners. She eventually gets around to leaving, but not before he has a chance to berate her for owning an old car.

He's appalled, APPALLED by the sight of an old VW Beetle, decides it's a "deathtrap" and as good as tells her he's going to buy her a car. Even though she's adamant that he does no such thing, flat out telling him "You are not buying me a car", we know he's going to anyway because he couldn't give a tiny floaty fuck what Ana actually wants.

Herbie is the stuff of nightmares for Christian. Bruce Campbell is a bonus.

As Ana drives away, she starts crying AGAIN. She gets home and "wakes up the mean machine" - or laptop to normal people - to find an email from Christian saying he doesn't understand why she ran off and asking her to trust him. Here's an idea then Christian, stop completely ignoring what she wants and threatening her when she doesn't want to do what you want her to, because those are the actions of an UNTRUSTWORTHY PIECE OF SHIT. The email sets her off crying even more and she feels like he thinks of her as a business deal. So they've barely started off this relationship and she's already spending a third of her time crying and feeling lousy because of stuff he has said and done. The fact that this is the exact opposite of the honeymoon phase still isn't enough of a clue for her to ditch the sociopath.

The next morning Ana wakes up from a sex dream about Christian and is amazed as she didn't know such a thing was possible and my eyes are in danger of rolling directly out of my head. It's graduation day for Ana and Kate, so Ana's stepfather Ray comes along (her mother couldn't go because her new husband fell and couldn't get up or something) and tells her she looks nice. "This is Kate's dress" I glance down at the grey chiffon halter neck dress. Jesus Christ woman, buy some fucking clothes.

Christian is giving a speech at the ceremony, because I suppose it's not every day you come across a self-made millionaire aged 27. Ana is sitting in the crowd of students awaiting their degrees and even though everyone is dressed identically in black caps and gowns, he spots her within seconds with his bionic grey eyes which are grey, in case you didn't know. When he stops looking at her she's all "Why isn't he looking at me?! What's WRONG!?" even though SECONDS BEFOREHAND she was trying to sink into her seat to avoid his gaze and saying how uncomfortable it made her. Make your fucking mind up.

His speech is all about how brilliant he is and his TOTES PHILANTHROPIC plan to feed the world (the speech seems kind of self-indulgent and has nothing to do with students who are about to graduate), dropping in a line where he says "I have known what it’s like to be profoundly hungry." Ana's jaw "falls to the floor" because, to be fair, pretty much everything amazes her anyway. She reasons that this secret past of his as a neglected child "explains a great deal", which is pretty insulting to members of the BDSM community. I don't know very much about it, but I'm pretty sure it's just a sexual preference rather than the product of an unhappy childhood.

Anyway, after the graduation, he summons her backstage and proceeds to steer her into an empty locker room so he can glare at her and demand to know why she didn't reply to his emails or texts, because it's not like she'd be fucking busy on the day of her graduation or anything. And anyway, he's supposed to be running a giant company and eradicating third world hunger like Bono or something, you'd think he'd have better things to do than stare at his phone waiting for a reply. Then he decides he wants to meet her stepfather, even though she says she'd rather he didn't, but again, what Ana wants doesn't matter.

She goes for a drink with her stepdad and Kate's brother comes along, scooping her up and twirling her around and next thing you know, Christian the fucking Dementor Grey is standing beside her, ready to suck all the fun out of the conversation and being all frosty eyed because a man that Ana knows had the temerity to touch her and he's a fucking obsessive crazy person. And breathe.

Kate then jumps in and introduces Christian to Ray as Ana's boyfriend, which kind of lands Ana in it and is a lousy thing to do really. At first Ray is a bit suspicious of Christian, but then they start talking about fishing. "His power knows no bounds", thinks Ana. Fishing is a superpower when you're as easily amazed as Anastasia Steele. Ray goes off to the jacks, so Christian immediately badgers her for an answer as to whether she'll go along with the contract and be his submissive or not. She says she wants more from him, as in, a regular relationship. He says he's not into that and then she just agrees to it anyway which makes no sense at all.

Christian calls over to her house that evening and when she answers the door, what follows is potentially the worst written sentence in the entire book. See if you can guess which one it is:

“Hi,” he says, and his face lights up with his radiant smile. I take a moment to admire the pretty. Oh my, he’s hot in leather.

I take a moment to admire the FUCKING WHAT? The pretty? PRETTY IS NOT A NOUN. PRETTY IS A FUCKING ADJECTIVE. HOLY SHIT, EVEN TXTSPKING SCHOOLCHILDREN KNOW THIS. SOMEONE REMOVE SHARP OBJECTS FROM MY VICINITY BECAUSE IMMA GET STABBY UP IN HERE.

Ahem. I'm going to leave it here before I jam a pen in my eye from having to type out that fucking sentence.

38 comments :

  1. How did I miss that Christian was only 27? I figured he was much older...

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  2. ah this is my favourite thing. not just on the internet. in life.

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  3. Claire - I know! He's younger than me! It makes him extra ridiculous.

    Ciara - Ah thanks lady! :)

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  4. I actually snorted laughing at work reading this- I love ur blog

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  5. I enjoy the challenge of trying not to laugh out loud while reading this at work. :P
    The best thing to have come from reading that book was being able to enjoy these blog posts. Love it! :)

    x

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  6. I love these posts!!! Its insane how often my friend and check for the latest installment!!

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  7. I think if you were to put all these instalments into a book, it'd be a best seller! Well done again for making me laugh :)

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  8. Just choked on my coffee. Too, too funny! :)

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  9. I absolutely love your blog, these posts are so funny, saves me having to read the book :-)

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  10. You are the sunshine of my literary life on this poxy day. A joy, as always.

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  11. oh thank god - this is a balm on my eyes and mind, after reading that inanity. my (Canadian) friends and I were mystified, wondering why a 21 year old (although, apparently, not having EMAIL or ffs Google) college student who has NEVER BEEN OUT OF THE USA, would be using words like "fetch" and "satchel" and (shudder) "Perspex". egads.

    brilliant - I think I spit white wine up my nose while reading.

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  12. My work colleague asked was I okay as she mistook my suppressed goggles reading this for sobs. Excellent work!

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  13. Damn it I meant giggles, not goggles. I don't even know what a suppressed goggle would sound like.

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  14. Thanks for all the comments guys. I LOVE hearing that I've made people laugh at work, it's like me vs. serious things and I win!

    Princess Trudy - EL James is not one for reality getting in the way of her terrible story.

    Joanna - Haha! I had a bit of a goggle myself at your comments.

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  15. "Christian the fucking Dementor Gray"...

    You have not only managed to condense about a billion pointless pages of mind-numbing descriptions into the best sentence I have ever read, but you have also totally made my week!

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  16. Spot on as ever! But you ain't seen nothing yet. I'm 2/3 through the second book and I'm screaming Shut the Fuck Up You Bitch at my kindle. I know, I should be screaming it at myself, but that'd involve having a spec-wearing subconscious. You'll be pleased to know, though, that since she learned to crank up the google machine, Anabolix has stopped namedropping literary classics.

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  17. This is funny. I like that. The abortion thing wasnt funny. And i only come here for the funny. And i dont know what you are saying... The pretty makes perfect sense. Your obviously not as good at the english as e l james.

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    1. *You're.

      And I'll write about whatever I want.

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    2. Touched a nerve there did I? :)
      Sorry

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    3. "not as good at the english as e l james."
      Haha neither are you, imbecile anonymous ;]
      Someone has to touch up on their own English grammar before coming to hate on a blogger!!

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    4. Thanks Anon... Thought that the obvious grammatical errors would be a nice joke to stick in there. You didn't get it. Don't worry. Someday scientists will find a cure for whatever is wrong with your sense of humour. I wasn't hating. I enjoyed this blog. Thanks for writing such a fine piece of work.

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  18. I adore these posts!

    Cyndi Lauper was interview on the radio yesterday and was going on about how poorly written this is. She said if she read the words, "Inner goddess" one more time, her inner goddess was going to break that inner goddess.

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  19. Hahahahaha! Sure everyone's hot in leather, lookat what happened poor Ross Gellar! I find him unfathomably creepy too, if any of the women who lust over him met him in real life they'd run. Very fast. I also can't believe I'm older than him, where's my steel office! The volkswagen bit cracked me up, instantly thought of "Come on Ted, a volkswagen with a mind of its own, if that isn't scary I don't know what is!".

    And also, I read four pages of the second book. She's still wearing someone else's clothes.

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  20. Ha ha ha, love the comment under the Child Catcher pic, priceless. Am convulsing with laughing. I finished book one, disgusted it's only part one, who could be bothered reading any more of that c*ap. Love this blog!!

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  21. Dear sweet baby Jesus. Please, dear God, cover the second and third books. I don't know how I managed to cope with the stresses of daily life before these posts. You are a saint.

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  22. These posts are soo brilliant! I'm so glad these rubbish books were written just so I could read your blog. Please do all the books! x

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  23. I'm... I'm... just incredulous at the popularity of this shit.

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  24. "It's like eavesdropping on the most tedious conversation of all time" I love this....sums up the whole triology!!! so fekking slow, the people who actually thought these books were the dogs nads either a) never read b) have no sex life
    ....bring on the rest of the blogs, I am glad I read these books just so I can enjoy reading your blogs!!!

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  25. Brilliant, brilliant. I've been crying laughing at this blog. Reading this makes trawling through EL James' tripe worth the pain. Thank you. Will there be more?

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  26. I'm so glad I don't own a copy of this book to see what the fuss was about, or have a copy on a Kindle, as the book would've ended up ripped to shreds, and the Kindle smashed as I took out my frustration at the sheer, incomprehensible level of shit that is Fifty Shades of Grey. Fantastic review, this is the funniest thing I have read in a while, and really brought a smile to my face, and tears of laughter to my eyes. Thanks.

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  27. This is the funniest damn thing I have read in a loooooooooong time!

    This is a very selfish request... but you have to endur the next 2 books in the serious and continue with this blog... I have TEARS!!! TEARS I tell you!!!!!!

    Awesome! where is vol 7???

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  28. "and my eyes are in danger of rolling directly out of my head" - hilarious, I love this blog. Please please please read the other two books after this one!

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  29. Love the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang photo and looove the stabbiness that comes through your writing.
    Totally brilliant, as always!

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  30. Oh my god this blog is too funny, have been sharing it with all my friends. Who'da thought you could get such a laugh out of something as shit and boring, as that book. Genius :-D

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  31. i haven't read the book but of course, i've heard about it. i was just curious what the fuss was all about. so i 'fired up' google and ended up here. i literally laughed out loud. these posts are brilliant and not having read the book doesn't even matter. it might actually be better that i haven't read them :))
    these posts could very well be one of the most hilarious things i ran into on the net lately.
    thanks for the laughs! oh and yes, thanks for stopping me from reading this book ('cause i might have, out of curiosity)!
    :)

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  32. "Elizabeth Bennet wants you to shut the fuck up."
    ROTFLMAO excellent!

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