Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery (Vol. 6)

Here we go again.

Volumes 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5, if you need to catch up.

So, after Christian turned up unsolicited at Ana's door in a frightening display of controlling and unhinged behaviour and rode her, he fucks away off home. As soon as he leaves, Ana starts crying because she wishes she could have a regular relationship with Christian, instead of one that needs a contract and involves flogging and punishment. So she decides to move on with her life, get a job and change her identity to escape from evil Christian and his unnerving ways.

No, of course she doesn't.

She bangs on about how she's "reminded once more of Icarus soaring too close to the Sun", (a metaphor she trots out five times in total throughout this book because it's so profound and meaningful 'n shit) and sobs to Kate about Christian using sex as a weapon. Instead of telling Ana to cut her losses and run the fuck away from him, Kate reasons that he has commitment issues.

Ana then shovels some coal into "fires up" the laptop to find an email from Christian, to which she replies with a big long list of issues she has with the contract. Then he shouts at her through the medium of the caps lock key, telling her to go to bed and I tell him to fuck off like he can hear me.

The next day, Christian emails her again and three pages later all they've done is email back and forth bickering over the definition of the word submissive and whether or not she's "allowed" to drive herself to his hotel (I've got a big bag of FUCK YOU with Christian's name all over it) to meet him for their date the following evening. It's like eavesdropping on the most tedious conversation of all time.

While Ana is at work the next day, Paul, her boss's son pesters her ALL DAY for a date, which is insane because Ana is completely devoid of personality and yet every dude she knows so far has been trying their hardest to get off with her. She must be pants-burstingly hot, it's the only explanation.

Before meeting Christian, she gets ready for their date, borrowing a dress from Kate because apparently she doesn't even own ONE decent frock herself. In fact, I think she has borrowed clothes from Kate every time she has had some manner of date with Christian. Oh and then this line happens:

"I rarely wear make-up – it intimidates me. None of my literary heroines had to deal with make-up – maybe I’d know more about it if they had."

Oh just SHUT UP YOU INSUFFERABLE TWATBAG. Incessantly harping on about literary heroines and Tess of the d'Urbervilles DOES NOT make you interesting and quirky, it makes you an utter PAIN in the HOLE.

Elizabeth Bennet wants you to shut the fuck up.

She meets Christian in the hotel bar, in a shock twist he starts interrogating her about whether she's hungry or if she has eaten anything that day. She admits to not having eaten all day and as much as I hate to side with Christian on this one, you actually DO have to fucking eat at some point during the day, otherwise that's getting awfully close to an eating disorder. He asks whether she wants to have dinner where they are or upstairs in his suite, to which she replies: “I think we should stay in public, on neutral ground.” Fair enough, right? Check out what he says:

“Do you think that would stop me?” he says softly, a sensual warning.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? This man is THE CREEPIEST character I have ever come across, in anything, ever. I can't begin to fathom how women worldwide are swooning over this potential sex offender. Christian Grey, romantic hero MY ARSE.

He makes this guy look like James Bond.

It turns out he booked a private dining room anyway, regardless of what her answer was going to be so I don't know why the fuck he bothered asking. He actually SAYS "no public" and I think to myself "HE MEANS NO WITNESSES! RUN AWAY! HE'S GOING TO MURDER YOU AND WEAR YOUR SKIN LIKE THAT GUY IN SILENCE OF THE LAMBS!"

He had already ordered for her (of course) and when her main course of cod arrives, says "I hope you like fish". To which I found myself thinking: Well it's not like you bothered to find out before ordering, fuckface. They go over some of her issues with the contract for a bit, there's more food haranguing and then he tries to convince her to have sex with him in the dining room. She says no and for once I'm not completely exasperated with her. She tells him she has a lot to consider and needs time to think. To which he replies:

"I could make you stay", he threatens.

Oh REALLY? Just you fucking try it then, because I believe that's called FALSE IMPRISONMENT, YOU FUCKING FUCK. He then goes on about how he thought she was a born submissive when he first met her, as she was "all yes sir, no sir", as apparently he's unfamiliar with basic fucking manners. She eventually gets around to leaving, but not before he has a chance to berate her for owning an old car.

He's appalled, APPALLED by the sight of an old VW Beetle, decides it's a "deathtrap" and as good as tells her he's going to buy her a car. Even though she's adamant that he does no such thing, flat out telling him "You are not buying me a car", we know he's going to anyway because he couldn't give a tiny floaty fuck what Ana actually wants.

Herbie is the stuff of nightmares for Christian. Bruce Campbell is a bonus.

As Ana drives away, she starts crying AGAIN. She gets home and "wakes up the mean machine" - or laptop to normal people - to find an email from Christian saying he doesn't understand why she ran off and asking her to trust him. Here's an idea then Christian, stop completely ignoring what she wants and threatening her when she doesn't want to do what you want her to, because those are the actions of an UNTRUSTWORTHY PIECE OF SHIT. The email sets her off crying even more and she feels like he thinks of her as a business deal. So they've barely started off this relationship and she's already spending a third of her time crying and feeling lousy because of stuff he has said and done. The fact that this is the exact opposite of the honeymoon phase still isn't enough of a clue for her to ditch the sociopath.

The next morning Ana wakes up from a sex dream about Christian and is amazed as she didn't know such a thing was possible and my eyes are in danger of rolling directly out of my head. It's graduation day for Ana and Kate, so Ana's stepfather Ray comes along (her mother couldn't go because her new husband fell and couldn't get up or something) and tells her she looks nice. "This is Kate's dress" I glance down at the grey chiffon halter neck dress. Jesus Christ woman, buy some fucking clothes.

Christian is giving a speech at the ceremony, because I suppose it's not every day you come across a self-made millionaire aged 27. Ana is sitting in the crowd of students awaiting their degrees and even though everyone is dressed identically in black caps and gowns, he spots her within seconds with his bionic grey eyes which are grey, in case you didn't know. When he stops looking at her she's all "Why isn't he looking at me?! What's WRONG!?" even though SECONDS BEFOREHAND she was trying to sink into her seat to avoid his gaze and saying how uncomfortable it made her. Make your fucking mind up.

His speech is all about how brilliant he is and his TOTES PHILANTHROPIC plan to feed the world (the speech seems kind of self-indulgent and has nothing to do with students who are about to graduate), dropping in a line where he says "I have known what it’s like to be profoundly hungry." Ana's jaw "falls to the floor" because, to be fair, pretty much everything amazes her anyway. She reasons that this secret past of his as a neglected child "explains a great deal", which is pretty insulting to members of the BDSM community. I don't know very much about it, but I'm pretty sure it's just a sexual preference rather than the product of an unhappy childhood.

Anyway, after the graduation, he summons her backstage and proceeds to steer her into an empty locker room so he can glare at her and demand to know why she didn't reply to his emails or texts, because it's not like she'd be fucking busy on the day of her graduation or anything. And anyway, he's supposed to be running a giant company and eradicating third world hunger like Bono or something, you'd think he'd have better things to do than stare at his phone waiting for a reply. Then he decides he wants to meet her stepfather, even though she says she'd rather he didn't, but again, what Ana wants doesn't matter.

She goes for a drink with her stepdad and Kate's brother comes along, scooping her up and twirling her around and next thing you know, Christian the fucking Dementor Grey is standing beside her, ready to suck all the fun out of the conversation and being all frosty eyed because a man that Ana knows had the temerity to touch her and he's a fucking obsessive crazy person. And breathe.

Kate then jumps in and introduces Christian to Ray as Ana's boyfriend, which kind of lands Ana in it and is a lousy thing to do really. At first Ray is a bit suspicious of Christian, but then they start talking about fishing. "His power knows no bounds", thinks Ana. Fishing is a superpower when you're as easily amazed as Anastasia Steele. Ray goes off to the jacks, so Christian immediately badgers her for an answer as to whether she'll go along with the contract and be his submissive or not. She says she wants more from him, as in, a regular relationship. He says he's not into that and then she just agrees to it anyway which makes no sense at all.

Christian calls over to her house that evening and when she answers the door, what follows is potentially the worst written sentence in the entire book. See if you can guess which one it is:

“Hi,” he says, and his face lights up with his radiant smile. I take a moment to admire the pretty. Oh my, he’s hot in leather.


Ahem. I'm going to leave it here before I jam a pen in my eye from having to type out that fucking sentence.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Terms and Conditions Tear Your Ads Apart

In something of a detour from my recent barrage of posts in which I have fun tearing Fifty Shades of Grey a new one, I'm writing a post about Youth Defence. I previously wrote about them and their offensive, obnoxious billboard campaign on Beaut.ie, a post which inspired my friend, V For Vendetta, to do a bit of sleuthing and inform me of a discovery he had made.

The girl in their billboards whose life is supposedly being "torn apart" is from iStockphoto, which you might say is all well and good, until you have a look at their terms and conditions. Namely, their Content License Agreement and the list of prohibited uses.

One of which is as follows:

use or display any Content that features a model or person in a manner (a) that would lead a reasonable person to think that such person uses or personally endorses any business, product, service, cause, association or other endeavour; or (b) except where accompanied by a statement that indicates that the Content is being used for illustrative purposes only and any person depicted in the Content is a model, that depicts such person in a potentially sensitive subject matter, including, but not limited to mental and physical health issues, social issues, sexual or implied sexual activity or preferences, substance abuse, crime, physical or mental abuse or ailments, or any other subject matter that would be reasonably likely to be offensive or unflattering to any person reflected in the Content, unless the Content itself clearly and undisputedly reflects the model or person in such potentially sensitive subject matter in which case the Content may be used or displayed in a manner that portrays the model or person in the same context and to the same degree depicted in the Content itself

I don't know about you, but I certainly don't see a disclaimer anywhere on that billboard.

So V For Vendetta contacted the photographer to let him know that his work was being used in a way that violated iStockphoto's terms and conditions, as well as the rights of his model. The photographer replied, thanking him and agreed that his work should not be used in this manner, also saying that he would get in touch with iStockphoto to see what they could do about the situation.

This news in turn inspired the Bear and I to get all Jessica Fletcher on the other two ads being paraded around the city. So here's what we found.

Well hello you! Yet another iStock image, also violating the site's terms and conditions. There was no contact information for the photographer in this case, so I contacted iStock directly to let them know and got this reply:

Thank you for contacting us.

Please know that we take the rights of our contributors and their models very seriously. We are aware of this situation and are currently working on it. We sincerely appreciate you taking the time to send this our way.

It was signed off by a woman from a department called "Compliance Enforcement", which I LOVE the sound of. In my head she goes around kicking doors down and shouting "COMPLY OR DIE, BITCHES!" at nefarious types. Anyway, this leaves the third and final ad. And guess what? We found that photo too!

In this case, the photo in question is the work of an award-winning Swedish photographer and scientist called Lennart Nilsson. Here's an interesting fact about his work that appears on his Wikipedia page:

Although claiming to show the living fetus, Nilsson actually photographed aborted material obtained from women who terminated their pregnancies under Swedish law. Working with dead embryos allowed Nilsson to experiment with lighting, background and positions, such as placing the thumb into the fetus’ mouth. But the origin of the pictures was rarely mentioned, even by 'pro-life' activists, who in the 1970s appropriated these icons.

It doesn't necessarily mean that the photo above is from a terminated pregnancy, but in fairness, it makes it a pretty strong possibility. We got in touch with the Scandanavian photo agency that handles the rights and sale of Nilsson's work, with a link to the above ad using his photo and here's the reply we got:

Thank you very much for sharing this information with us
I look into this and will contact the company because we have not made this sales.

Shazam, motherfuckers!

Of course, we haven't heard anything since, as it's between the photo agencies and Youth Defence now. At the very least, I imagine that YD are going to get landed with a massive bill for this, and the Nilsson photo in particular, as I somehow doubt that the work of a world famous photographer comes cheap. I know that they're a ridiculously well funded group, what with their connections to big anti-choice entities in the US, but the fact that we might have managed to cost them a chunk of their money while they peddle misinformation and lies makes me very happy indeed.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery (Vol. 5)

Well the reaction to these posts continues to be ridiculously amazing and lovely so thank you AGAIN to everyone who's reading, tweeting and sharing them. You're all brilliant. Onwards to Volume 5!

(If you need to catch up, here are Volumes 1, 2, 3 and 4)

Just as Christian and Ana have finished fucking, they can hear that his mother is in the hallway and about to burst in on the two of them in bed, only Taylor – Grey’s assistant or Number One or whatever – explains that Christian is not alone in the bedroom. Ana’s all “she’s practically walked in on us in flagrante delicto”, like anyone actually talks like that. Shut up Ana. She wants to hide in the bedroom and Christian actually THREATENS her like a total dickbag, saying:  

“I will expect you in that room in five minutes, otherwise I’ll come and drag you out of here myself in whatever you’re wearing.”

Because that’s exactly how you want to introduce your new girlfriend/plaything to your mother, manhandling her out of a bedroom, while she cries and tries to cover herself up with one hand and pull her pants up with the other. FUCK YOU, Christian, you utter PRICK.

Instead of telling him to stop being such a dick, she gets her act together and is introduced to Dr. Grace Trevelyan Grey. All I can think is DO NOT STEAL HER CORN! SHE WILL SEND YOU TO AUSTRALIA PRISON! (I realise that if you're not familiar with the Fields of Athenry, that makes no sense whatsoever. Sorry.) Ana’s phone rings and she assumes it’s Kate and answers it without checking the number, as if anyone in the year 2011 who owns a mobile phone has ever done that. It turns out it’s José, demanding to know where she is, like he has any right to demand anything after getting all rapey with her. She brushes him off and hangs up, so naturally as soon as his mother leaves, Christian goes into possessive jerk mode, glaring at her for talking to someone else who has a penis. But it's ok for him to act that way guys, because he's, like, a total dreamboat.

He tells her to read over the contract and do some research into the whole dominant/submissive thing. She says “Research?” like she doesn’t know what this foreign concept is, even though she’s somehow completed four years of college. College in America is pretty expensive, as far as I know and so far it seems to me that her education was one hell of a way to waste money. She might as well have just set fire to a mound of cash. Christian clarifies that he means using the internet, and y’know, GOOGLING stuff, which she appears to be unfamiliar with. We find out why that is when she reveals that she doesn’t own a computer or laptop. Excuse me? People had laptops when I was in college six years ago, for fuck’s sake. WHY DON'T YOU JOIN US HERE IN REALITY, ANA?

A Lap Top? What witchcraft is this?

He drives her back home from Seattle, but on the way they stop for food, because, you know, "YOU MUST EAT, ANASTASIA". He orders wine for them both, even though she didn't want wine but he's a fucking jerk and what she wants doesn't matter. At one point he smiles at her, prompting her to inform us of the following: "my stomach pole vaults over my spleen." Isn't that a hernia?

Over lunch, Christian reveals that one of his mother's friends seduced him and made him her submissive when he was fifteen, so now we see that he's all damaged and the only thing to fix him is Ana's virginial love or some shit like that. Then there's some more of him telling her to eat and a lot of me sighing in an exasperated manner and saying "for FUCK'S SAKE, just SHUT UP".

They get back to her house and she's suddenly all "bereft" again because he's going to leave. She tells him that she's wearing his underwear, which she pulled on earlier in a panic when his mother turned up, and "Christian's mouth drops open, shocked." Really? It's not actually that shocking at all. This is a man who apparently engages in hardcore bondage and OWNS A SEX DUNGEON and he's shocked that a girl is wearing his jocks. Get a fucking grip, Grey.

While she's at home, José rings her again to apologise for the whole forcing himself on her thing and instead of telling him to go fuck himself, she forgives him, because self-esteem is overrated anyway.

After giggling with Kate about how sore their vaginas are from all the sex they've both been having (no, really), Ana heads off to bed, as she's tired from her "carnal exertions" (ugh, look at me, I know words) and has a read over Christian's contract. There are around seven pages of mind-numbingly boring detail spelling out the entire thing, at the end of which she's scoffing angrily and shaking her head in disbelief. So you'd think that with this quite obviously being something she's not into, she would just say no, you're grand thanks. THE END. But there's two hundred or so pages to go yet (not to mention two entire books of further drivel) so there's no way we'd be that lucky.

The next morning, a shiny new MacBook arrives at her door, complete with a ponytailed man to set it up for her. He activates her email account and her ACTUAL REACTION is the following:  

"I have an email address?"

OH COME THE FUCK ON! I MIGHT get over the fact that she didn't have a laptop of her own until now, but does EL James ACTUALLY expect us to believe that someone WHO WAS BORN IN 1990 and WENT TO COLLEGE doesn't have an email address? REALLY? I want to physically pull Anastasia out of this book with the express purpose of setting fire to her.

She manages to get her head around this technological wonder in order to email back and forth with Christian, sending pointless, one-line messages like "I had a very good day at work" and "What would you suggest I put into a search engine?". Really, Ana? Just fucking Google some words for Christ's sake, it's not rocket science.

She also says stuff like "I fire up the laptop" and "I fire up Google", like they're both things she has to shovel coal into or crank a handle on in order for them to work. I'm beginning to suspect that EL James has never used a computer and that this entire book happened because she accidentally dropped a typewriter down a flight of stairs and this is the resulting stream of nonsensical bullshit.

Hang on, I'm just opening Wikipedia.

So Ana reads up on the basics of being a submissive, goes for a run in order to think it over and decides to email him with her thoughts on the matter. Which all seems reasonable enough, only instead of doing what she JUST SAID she would, she emails this to him instead:

Okay, I’ve seen enough.
It was nice knowing you.

I press send, hugging myself, laughing at my little joke.

What? Hugging herself? Little joke? WHAT? I have no idea why she does this or thinks this would be so hilarious. Anyway, he doesn't reply so she pouts and starts packing up her room, as she's moving to Seattle to live with Kate in a place Kate's parents have bought because she's a massive fucking freeloader. Some time passes and as she's reading over the contract again, something catches her eye, causing her to look up, only to see CHRISTIAN FUCKING GREY IN THE DOORWAY OF HER BEDROOM. HOLY FUCK, RUN AWAY FROM THIS TERRIFYING MAN, ANA.

He says how serene and peaceful her room is, even though in my experience, a room that's in the process of being packed up for a move tends to be anything but. Ana composes herself by saying that her medulla oblongata recalls its purpose, which, incidentally is the third time she mentions her medulla oblongata in the book. These are the other times:

"And from a very tiny, underused part of my brain – probably located at the base of my medulla oblongata where my subconscious dwells..." 

"..my medulla oblongata has neglected to fire any synapses to make me breathe."

If your medulla oblongata did indeed neglect to fire any synapses then I'm pretty sure you'd be dead. I don't know why EL James insists on saying it so much because no amount of medical terminology can save this book from being the worst written pile of wank I have ever encountered.

Anyway, there's yet another irritating "Stop biting your lip", "I didn't realise I was biting my lip" exchange, and Christian says:

“And you decided that it was nice knowing me? Do you mean knowing me in the biblical sense?”

Hey Christian, NO ONE EVER MEANS IT IN THE BIBLICAL SENSE. Unless they're actually someone FROM THE BIBLE. NOW GO AWAY.

Here Moses, c'mere to me so I can know the face off ya.

His eyes blaze some more and at this stage I feel like throwing a glass of water at his face to put the fire out. He's also described as "waiting, coiled to strike", which quite frankly sounds fucking terrifying. They end up having sex again, this time with Christian pouring white wine into her bellybutton and doing her from behind, where she comes about eight times. Afterwards, when she has explained that her email was a joke, he says "I thought you were saying no, no discussion at all." So if she WAS serious and didn't want to have anything more to do with him, his reaction to that is to turn up at her door, unannounced and ride her. This is not romantic behaviour, this is scary, possessive stalker behaviour.

Amount of times Ana refers to Christian as a "stalker": 10
Amount of times Ana refers to Christian as a "control freak": 20

Hey Ana, there's a clue for you there in the words that YOU HAVE SAID WITH YOUR MOUTH. I have no idea why she isn't climbing out her bedroom window and screaming for someone to call the cops.

I hate this book.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery (Vol. 4)

Ok, this post doesn't quite zip along the story as quickly as I'd like, but that's because (like the last one) I get sidetracked by stupid literary devices that set my teeth on edge. Shall we?

That evening, Christian drives Ana to a heliport, in order to fly her to Seattle. "We’re in a built-up area of the city and even I know helicopters need space to take off and land." says Ana to herself. Which makes me wonder if Ana has ever seen a helicopter, or maybe even just a photo of one, seeing as the WHOLE POINT of helicopters is that they don't need a lot of space to take off and land. THEY CAN GO DIRECTLY UP AND DOWN, YOU MUPPET.

Anyway, they get to his fancy penthouse apartment in Seattle, where he plies her with white wine despite all his pearl-clutching about her drinking the night before. While she's taking in the swanky setting, this line happens:

""Do you play?" I point my chin at the piano."

What? If her hands weren't free to gesture, why wouldn't she just nod towards the piano? Does she give directions to people by pointing with her chin instead of her hands? Or does she have a hand hidden in her chin like Chuck Norris? So many questions!

Grey brings out a non-disclosure agreement for her to sign, which means that she can't tell anyone anything about what they get up to. Of course, a normal person would get the fuck out of there, quick smart. This is Anastasia though, so she signs it without even reading it. I hate her so much. He decides to show her his "playroom", which - shock! - is a fancy S&M dungeon and none of us saw this coming.

He wants her to be his submissive and shows her the rules of the contract she would have to sign if she agreed. It's a whole litany of overbearing nonsense about how often she has to eat, that she'll only wear clothes approved by him, that she'll do everything he says without question, that she'll be shaved or waxed at all times and "undergo any treatments the Dominant sees fit." Basically it's written consent for him to completely control her and everything she does and while anyone else would tell him to go and shite, Ana stays put.

She tells him she's a virgin, so after freaking out for a bit, he decides to go easy on her to begin with and sex her up all vanilla style. I'd just like to point out that it takes until the end of Chapter Eight for the first sex scene. With a book as tedious as this, that's like twenty normal-book chapters.

They get to the bedroom and there's some incredibly unsexy undressing described, detailing him pulling off her Converse and socks and "running his thumbnail up my instep". If someone did that to me they'd get an involuntary kick in the face. Jesus, like. Fuck away off from my instep. Followed by a voluntary kick in the face. Then, once he's got her in her knickers, this exchange happens:

“Show me how you pleasure yourself.”
What? I frown.
“Don’t be coy, Ana, show me,” he whispers.
I shake my head.
“I don’t know what you mean.” My voice is hoarse. I hardly recognize it, laced with desire.

Right. Anyone else would be a filthy liar for claiming that they don't know what he means, but then again, this is a 21 year old who has never kissed anyone or HELD HANDS with anyone. We can only assume that she was completely unaware of her genitals before now. To move things along, Christian tugs at her nipples for a bit, which is apparently enough to make her come for the first time.

To which I say:


He whips out a condom and "pulling off his boxer briefs, his erection springs free." Every time I read this sentence I hear a big BOI-OI-OING sound in my head. However, Ana is scared of his cock and thinks "Oh no…Will it? How?", prompting him to say “Don't worry [...] You expand too.” Because Ana has reached the age of 21 without finding out the basics of HOW SEX WORKS.

He eventually gets around to riding her, but right before he does, announces "I'm going to fuck you now, Miss Steele". Can you imagine someone saying that to you right before sex? You'd break your arse laughing. Anyway, Ana ends up orgasming all over the place, even though it was her first time, but that’s because she’s a human sex doll and Christian is a sex wizard. Also, he leaves his shirt on the whole time. Winnie the Pooh style. HOT.


The next morning, Ana wakes up with him beside her and wonders "How can anyone look this good and still be legal?" Be legal? Does she think he's an illegal immigrant? Or underage? Or does she just not understand what the word legal means? Fucking Jaysus Ana.

During breakfast, he badgers her some more about her not eating enough, on the off-chance that we'd forgotten about that fucking irritating quirk of his. Funnily enough, he doesn’t seem at all concerned about her constant wasting of teabags though, seeing as she might as well just wave the bag in front of her cup and then throw it in the bin, for the amount of use she gets out of them.

They take a bath together after breakfast and he tells her to stop biting her lip again, because it makes him want to fuck her (and it’s not like he can control his actions or anything) and he can’t fuck her now because she’s sore from the previous night’s riding when he “ripped through her virginity”. That’s the actual phrase that was used, by the way. I’m not sure I’ve ever heard anything as deeply unsexy as that before in my life.

In the bath, he washes her for a bit and gets her to turn around, and she’s “shocked” SHOCKED that he has his boner in his hand, despite the fact that she noted how she could feel it against her back SECONDS BEFOREHAND. But never mind that, check out what he says: “I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favourite and most cherished part of my body. I’m very attached to this.”

Ok, aside from the fact that it would be physically impossible not to burst out laughing in his face after him saying that, two things.
  1. First name terms? In that case what’s its name? Because I’m calling it Dr. Nathaniel McCleod from now on. Or Nate Dogg.
  2. “I’m very attached to this” is such a goddamn stupid thing to say about something that is in fact attached to your body. It’s kind of a given. I’m very attached to my arms but I don’t need to actually state it. Shut up Christian.
She decides to go down on him - and guess what! – she has no gag reflex. Well of course not, she's been genetically engineered for sex, after all. Which is SUPER handy. Mid blow-job, she thinks to herself “He’s my very own Christian Grey flavour popsicle” and just when I thought such a thing was impossible, it makes me hate her even more. Also, she’s so delighted with her new found skillz that her “inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves”. My inner goddess wants to murder the fuck out of her inner goddess.

Would you like to see a list of all the annoying things that her idiot inner goddess does? Of course you would.

  • stops dancing and is staring too, mouth open and drooling slightly
  • sits in the lotus position looking serene
  • jumps up and down, clapping her hands like a five-year-old 
  • stops jumping and smiles serenely
  • glows so bright she could light up Portland (maybe she's radioactive)
  • makes a very vulgar and unattractive gesture at him with her fingers (him being Paul - one of the dudes that inexplicably fancies stupid Ana)
  • jumps up and down with cheerleading pom-poms, shouting yes
  • does backflips in a routine worthy of a Russian Olympic gymnast
  • smacks her lips together, glowing with pride
  • bounces up and down like a small child waiting for ice cream
  • is going to explode (I really wish she would, then we could dispense with all of this fucking stupidity)
  • looks like someone snatched her ice cream
  • lies on a rug eating grapes and tapping her fingers impatiently
  • hops from foot to foot
  • has her pom poms in hand - she’s in cheerleading mode 
  • spins like a world-class ballerina, pirouette after pirouette
  • has a “Do not disturb” sign on the outside of her room
  • pops her head above the parapet (someone PLEASE SHOOT HER)
  • pouts, failing miserably to hide her disappointment
  • does the dance of the Seven Veils
  • basks in a remnant of post-coital glow 
  • leaps up cheering from her chaise longue
  • subconscious and inner goddess glance nervously at one another (KILL THEM WITH FIRE!)
  • pole vaults over a fifteen foot bar
  • stands on a podium awaiting her gold medal (for being a fucking TOOL)
  • backflips off the podium and does cartwheels around the stadium
  • hides under a blanket behind a sofa
  • sways and writhes to some primal carnal rhythm
  • endeavours to look brave
LADS. I would LOVE to say that I made some of those up and you had to guess which ones I invented and which ones were actually in a book that was PUBLISHED and that someone got PAID TO WRITE. However, all of those things actually happened in it and I died a little inside every time they did. She's half cheerleader, half gymnast, all douchebag.

Appearances of the phrase "inner goddess": 58

So anyway. They have yet another ride after that, only this time he ties her up with a grey (of course) tie. Ana describes her horniness by saying “my heated blood pools low in my belly, between my legs” which sounds like she has some manner of internal injury and could probably do with an ambulance, rather than kinky sex right now. All of the sex scenes in this are really annoying, because Anastasia seems unable to say the word vagina, even in her head. It’s all "there", “down there” and “my sex”, which is the most unsexy and cringey and stupid thing to call your vagina ever. Another thing to add to the Reasons Why I Hate Ana list. It's filling up pretty fast.

Friday, July 06, 2012

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery (Vol. 3)

Alright, let's do this.

The next morning, Ana wakes up in Grey's hotel suite and compares him to a courtly knight, despite the fact that he brought her to his place instead of hers and took her pants off. He responds with "Dark knight, maybe", which would have been the perfect time to say "I am Batman" and swoop out of the room in a cape that we didn't previously know he was wearing. But that would be too much fun, so instead he informs her that "if you were mine you wouldn't be able to sit down for a week after the stunt you pulled". I'm amazed that they can actually see anything at this point, what with all the goddamn foreshadowing going on here. He gets all cross at her for not eating before going on the lash the night before, saying "You need to eat. [...] It's drinking rule number one." ACTUALLY Christian, I think you'll find that eatin' is cheatin' is drinking rule number one. So shut your damn billionaire mouth.

Anyway, in the meantime Anastasia's subconscious has magically taken on a life of her own, as earlier on when Christian showed up at the bar after tracking her ass down, she was "figuratively tutting and glaring at me over her half moon specs." Clearly half moon spectacles aren't just for Santa and Professor Dumbledore any more. However, now the thought of boning Christian has her subconscious "doing her happy dance in a bright red hula skirt". She may or may not be playing a ukelele, it's not completely clear.

Ana's subconscious could look like either of these people at any given moment. You might not recognise her until it's too late. CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

It's a clunky and irritating literary device that just makes Ana look like she has split personalities, all of whom are just as fucking annoying as she is. Her subconscious is mostly a disapproving character in her head, wagging her finger at her and telling her to cop on, even though the whole idea of your subconscious is that you're unaware of it. Hence the SUB part. Clue is in the name there, E.L.

Here are the other things that her subconscious does throughout the book:
  • stares at Ana in awe 
  • screams at her, arms folded, leaning on one leg and tapping her foot in frustration
  • whines at her in a sneering mood
  • has emigrated or been struck dumb or simply keeled over and expired (if only)
  • swoons and passes out somewhere in the back of her head
  • purses her lips and mouths the word ‘ho’ (THREE TIMES)
  • glares at her over her wing-shaped spectacles (She must have fancied a change from the half moon ones. Either that or the author hasn't actually READ HER OWN BOOK and decided that continuity is for squares.) 
  • glares at her, wagging her long skinny finger, then morphs into the scales of justice (No, really.) 
  • screams at her like a harpy
  • runs, screaming, and hides behind the couch (WHAT FUCKING COUCH?)
  • peeks out from behind the couch, still registering shock on her harpy face
  • quails in the corner
  • nods sagely, a you’ve-finally-worked-it-out-stupid look on her face
  • quakes at the knees
  • is furious and Medusa like, with hair flying and her hands clasped around her face like Edvard Munch's The Scream (LOOK AT ME, I KNOW STUFF ABOUT ART N' CULTURE N' SHIT) 
  • whistles with her hands behind her back, looking anywhere but at Ana (even though she can't actually look ANYWHERE because your subconscious is NOT A PERSON)
  • anxiously bites her nails
  • has her Edvard Munch face on again (Jesus fucking Christ)
  • relaxes and then collapses, slumped into an old battered armchair (what happened to the couch?)
  • frantically fans herself
  • finds her Nikes and is on the starting blocks (I can't remember why)
So Ana takes a shower and her subconscious (just typing that is making me feel stabby) sneers "You’ve slept in his bed all night, and he’s not touched you Ana. You do the math." as proof that he doesn't fancy her. So, wait, she WANTS him to grope her while she's passed out drunk then? What? I'm finding it hard to hear her over ALL THE HATE I have for this TOTAL SPANNER of a woman. And her fucking subconscious.

They have breakfast together, he harasses her again about not eating enough, there's some lame sexual tension (mostly him growling some bullshit about how she should stop biting her lip because he wants to do that and her practically creaming herself at the thought) and then he announces that he's not going to touch her until he has her written consent to do so. Which doesn't seem to strike Ana as the right moment to make her excuses and get the fuck out of there. When he mentions that he doesn't normally sleep in his bed with anyone else, and that her sleeping beside him was a novelty for him, Ana says: ""Not having...sex." There - I said the word." SERIOUSLY? Congratulations Ana, you're a 21 year old woman who can say the word sex out loud. Hang on there till I find you a FUCKING MEDAL.

Despite this rule that he's just announced, as they're leaving he grabs her in the lift on the way downstairs and shifts the fuck out of her, "his erection against my belly", murmuring "You. Are. So. Sweet. [...] each word a staccato". Which. Is. Both. Hilarious. And. Really. Stupid. He stops kissing her when the doors ping open, and the fact that he can sufficiently regain his composure makes her wonder "Is he totally unaffected by my presence?" Well Ana, he LITERALLY just wore the face off you and LITERALLY just had his boner shoved against you, so yes, I guess he's totally unaffected. You clown.

Between her going for a shower and him jumping her in the lift, Ana says "oh my" seven times over those eight pages. She is CONSTANTLY saying "oh my", to the point that I started to picture George Takei every time she did while simultaeneously wanting to strangle her with my sock.

Appearances of the phrase "oh my": 71

Right after the lift, we meet her inner goddess. Her inner goddess is the free-spirited dancing gymnast gobshite to her subconscious's spectacle-wearing judgemental librarian, and "sways in a gentle victorious samba" after the surprise kissing attack. This is not the last we will hear of the inner goddess. Not by a long shot.

I realise I haven't moved that far along in the story with this post, as I got a bit sidetracked by being angry at her stupid subconscious and the outrageously idiotic idea of it. I will endeavour to get this over with a little better in future posts, although I can't promise anything as the next one features all the fucking moronic things her inner gobshite does.

Tuesday, July 03, 2012

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery (Vol. 2)

Right then. It turns out that Fifty Shades is certified blog catnip. The reaction to the first post about it was ridiculously amazing, so thanks so much and inappropriately long hugs to everyone who commented and shared it, you're a big shower of rides, the lot of you. (Also, I quite heartily recommend Karen's glorious Irish version, Fifty Shades of Shite on Ramp.ie, first part here and second part here.) So, onwards to Volume 2!

After the photoshoot, Christian asks Ana to join him for coffee. She eventually agrees and on the way thinks to herself "I am going to have coffee with Christian Grey... and I hate coffee." I hate coffee too Ana, but guess what? Coffee shops sell OTHER DRINKS! Christmas is saved! They get to the coffee shop and she orders tea, English Breakfast Tea, to be precise because she thinks she's so fucking fancy and special.

"I pop the teabag into the teapot and almost immediately fish it out again with my teaspoon."

Reason number #87 why I hate Ana: She can't even drink tea properly. THAT'S JUST HOT WATER, YOU GEEBAG. That quote is immediately followed by this:

"As I place the used teabag back on the side plate, he cocks his head gazing quizzically at me. “I like my tea black and weak,” I mutter as an explanation."

Now COME ON, that is just the perfect set-up for someone to say "Like my men". The fact that neither one of them makes that joke just proves what humourless twerps they both are. I honestly have no idea why Christian is so interested in her at this point, because so far all she has done is stare down at her hands (how bloody rude) and blush, for the entire coffee shop conversation. In fact, she has blushed six times between agreeing to go for coffee and them talking for a bit once they get there. In that small amount of time her face has been "beet red", pink, crimson and scarlet. Ana and her magic multi-coloured stupid face.

He mentions that he doesn't "do the girlfriend thing" as they're leaving. Almost immediately, dopey Ana trips over FUCKING NOTHING and falls towards the road. But Christian's ninja-like reflexes spring into action, so she narrowly misses getting hit by a cyclist and finds herself pulled to his manly bodywash-scented chest for safety. She suddenly realises that "for the first time in twenty-one years, I want to be kissed". Oh PLEASE. You're 21 and you have NEVER wanted to be kissed until now? GET TO FUCK. Throw her into the goddamn traffic, Christian.

She tries to eye-bang him into kissing her but he pulls away, leaving her "bereft" (drama queen) and says she should steer clear of him. Even though it was him that turned up at the hardware shop and him and that asked her out for coffee, but whatever Christian. Anyway, Ana gets back to the garage where her car is parked and feels so rejected that she curls up into a ball on the GROUND and sobs for a while because she's a ridiculous human being and can't sob in the car like a normal person.

He gets it.

When she gets home all red-eyed from the crying, Kate asks her what's wrong, at which point Ana thinks to herself "Oh no… not the Katherine Kavanagh Inquisition." Because a friend showing concern for you when you're quite obviously upset is EXACTLY like being chained up and tortured for heresy. By the fourth time that exact phrase appeared, with a "Christian Grey Inquistion" thrown in along the way, I wanted to beat E.L. James to death with a thesaurus. This is without doubt the most repetitive book I have ever read.

No one expects the Katherine Kavanagh Inquisistion!

Ana eventually finishes her exams and comes home after her last one to find a mysterious package waiting for her. It turns out that it contains three first edition volumes of Tess of the D'Urbervilles, which she has been referencing on every second page all this time, in an attempt make her sound intelligent and interesting. It doesn't. Unsurprisingly, the books are from Christian Grey, because the best way to get someone to steer clear of you is to send them a present worth a fuckload of money.

Ana and Kate go out and Ana proceeds to get shitfaced for the first time ever (do join me in an eye-roll) and drunk-dials Christian. He quickly deduces that she's drunk, what with it being late and her slurring her words and all and demands to know where she is, like it's any of his damn business. She hangs up without telling him where she is and goes outside to get some air, with José creeping behind her like a cartoon burglar. José charmingly chooses this moment to initiate Mission Get Into Ana'a Pants, taking advantage of her drunken state like a total fucking asshole, gets all grabby and kisses her. She's trying to pull away and he won't let her go, and now he's another character that I hate and want to throw hammers at.

Enter Christian Grey, rescuing her just in time and giving her the opportunity to jump from the frying pan of potential rape into some controlling dickhead stalker fire. Er...hooray? Next thing Ana starts vomiting everywhere, due to the five margaritas and champagne she'd been drinking. She wishes that the azaeleas in the flowerbed she's vomiting on would swallow her up and so do I, because then this book would be over and we could all get on with our lives.

It would have been so amazing if it was a flowerbed of these.

After she's done, Christian tells her "this is beyond the pale" (because people talk like that) and berates her for having the nerve to get hammered the day she's finished college. It turns out that he found her by tracking her mobile phone. HOLY FUCK, RUN AWAY ANA. Instead of being alarmed by this frankly very worrying behaviour, she agrees to let him take her home. JESUS CHRIST ANA.

When she insists on telling Kate that she's leaving, he inexplicably drags her out onto the dancefloor for an impromptu bop, despite the fact that she's just gotten violently ill. It turns out that his brother Elliot, who he brought along on his creepy-ass quest is also on the dancefloor and with Kate, who is doing her sexy moves all up on him. Ana is normally a terrible dancer, what with the TOTALLY adorable clumsiness that has already been established and that makes me want to punch her in the face. However, she suddenly CAN dance now that she's with Christian and he's made of sex magic and is part unicorn after all. Then this happens:

"In the back of my mind, my mother’s often-recited warning comes to me: Never trust a man who can dance."

What kind of stupid fucking advice is that? Boys who can dance are SUPER FUN.

Case CLOSED, motherfucker.

When they're about to leave, Ana looks over at Kate who is now in Elliot's arms and thinks: "Even in my inebriated state, I am shocked. She’s only just met him." She's IN HIS ARMS! She's probably PREGNANT now! Fuck's sake Ana. She also says that she has to talk to Kate before they leave, because "I need to do the safe sex lecture". Which is hilarious, because Kate's a grown-ass woman who, unlike Ana, has actually gotten the ride before. So no, Ana, you don't need to do the safe sex lecture, you TOTAL SAP.

And that concludes Volume 2. I'm tired now from being so mad at this book and everyone in it. I need a nap.