Tuesday, August 17, 2010

The A-Team Movie They Should Have Made

The new A-Team movie is shite. Sorry. But the good kind of shite, in that I enjoyed its shiteness and was in good form leaving the cinema. Unlike Kick Ass, where the Bear and I were just annoyed afterwards and stomped home angrily to rewatch the new Star Trek so we would have seen at least one good film that day. We had to give up on our game of taking a drink of Coke every time they said "plan" though, or we all would have had to leg it to the bathroom halfway through and might have missed some of the many many montages, terrible lines (for example: "Damn I'd forgotten how beautiful you are" - how Jessica Biel didn't laugh in his face for every take I'll never know) or the bit where Hannibal disguised himself as Liam Neeson.

But I digress. For you see, back when the rumblings and casting choices of an A-Team movie were doing the rounds, a friend of Billy Flag's (whose name I can't remember) told him the best ever possible idea ever in the world ever for an A-Team film. Ever. Gather round.

The film starts with the team (the original cast, mind) being arrested, black-bagged and shipped off to Guantanamo. A montage shows them being tortured, waterboarded and what have you and explains that in the process of all this hardship, Hannibal dies.

The screen fades to black.

20 years later.

Obama comes into power and decides to release the prisoners, so we see the doors to each of their individual cells slide open with a loud metallic bang. They walk out one by one, squinting in the light, hug each other in relief and look sadly at the door of the cell that held Hannibal. However, a fifth door is heard opening. They stop, and look around at the doorway, trying to make out who this fellow prisoner could be. A lone figure stands in the shadows and slowly emerges, one step at a time. The camera pans up to reveal....



That's who, bitches.

Now you just try and tell me that's not a film you'd pay good money to see right now.



  1. I refuse to watch The A Team film, I'm not much for the remakes.

    Are there boobies at least?

    No boobies. No dice.

  2. Not with a 12A rating I'm afraid, Radge. Not even a hint of sideboob to be had.

  3. LOVE MACGYVER...esp that jacket x

  4. wow taking a swig of coke dude your just too mad you are!

    however i would indeed like to see that filum avec macgyver

  5. I would definitely watch your version of the A Team

  6. I'd double-see it if they actually called it FUCKING MACGUYVER.

    ... actually, maybe that's a bit of an ambiguous title. Uh. I'd probably read the reviews first, lest I be unwittingly scarred.

  7. That does sound pretty awesome!!!

    And Kick Ass was AMAZING!

  8. Well that is just ridiculous. McGyver would be out of that cell within 30 seconds and you know it!

  9. sign me up for a piece 'o that ACTION

  10. Only with the Original Ricky D! Did you see the episode of Star Gate where they're trying to fix something and Sam says 'we'll have to McGuyver it' and smirks at him, and he gives her this look that suggests it was not scripted... golden.


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