Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Tea and Twilight

There are certain truths of which I am completely convinced.

For example:

There is something inherently creepy about ice cream vans. Before anyone says it, it's got nothing to do with the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, they're just bloody creepy.

Tea in a transparent receptacle looks all kinds of wrong. I only want to see the top circle of tea that's visible when it's in a proper mug. Or bucket. Whatever. Just don't show me the sides, m'kay? Observe:

And most importantly, whoever decided to show ads from telly in the CINEMA, before and at this stage, practically instead of trailers has surely sold their soul to the devil and has a spikey uncomfortable armchair reserved for them in some inner circle of Hell.

It was this particular thought that was occupying my mind while at the cinema with the Bear waiting for Iron Man 2 to start (which is brilliant by the way, what with the giant fighting robots, Robert Downey Ridebag, and Scarleh in a leather catsuit. She'll fuel many a wank worldwide after that). Whilst quietly muttering about how we'll get to see feck all trailers now with all these infernal ads, a certain preview appeared onscreen that actually made me wish there was another ad for a plastic surgery clinic on instead.

The trailer in question was for the latest Twilight shite-fest, Eclipse or Moon or whatever the Jaysus it's called, I can't remember because I was too busy plotting to set fire to Stephenie Meyer for inflicting her ridiculous series on the world. The Stylebitches hit the nail on the head when they captioned this photo of Kristen Stewart with "Looking like she’d BATE the head offa ya."

State of it like. Back when the first Twilight film came out, the Bear and I watched the first 20 minutes of it and switched it off, declaring it utter shite. We actually showed those first 20 minutes to his then-housemate, just so she could see how laughably awful it was. She agreed. We then made the fatal error of showing it to Lili, who FOR SOME REASON liked it and we ended up having to watch the entire unholy mess. I actually can't remember a single thing about it, as I must have mentally erased the whole sorry affair from memory instantaneously. Anyway, all of this brings me to The Oatmeal. My new favourite website, as it perfectly encapsulates my feelings about this particular heap of tits in the fantastic How Twilight Works.

On a completely unrelated note, they also have brilliant bit entitled How Everything Goes To Hell During A Zombie Apocalypse. Which I came across on the very day that I joined a Facebook page called "I've seriously thought about what to do if there was a Zombie Apocalypse".

I'm off to stockpile canned food and hatchets, just in case.


  1. Urgh...don't get me STARTED on K-Stew....or the general bad writing/acting associated with the Twilight series....basically a good idea....interesting....original take on the vampire story....but then Stephanie decided to 'write' it herself....and then a blind-deaf-and-mute person cast the film...see, don't get me started!

    But yeah, all tea should be in a normal cup!!!

  2. It feels good to get it out though, doesn't it? All I can barely recall from the film is them staring at each other a lot. BLEH.

  3. Tea in a glass (without milk) - now that's a scary, whatever about zombies, KS or twilight lol.!!

    Brilliant posts, the caption cracked me up.

    verification word: pickback. . .

  4. What I don't get are those people who laugh out loud at those ads in the cinema. Have they never seen an ad before. Ads aren't funny. Ads are evil

  5. Emily - Yeah, a 360 degree view of tea is just WRONG.

    John - And the ads they choose to play in the cinema are always particularly irritating ones too. WHYYYYY?

  6. Can I just say that I really enjoyed the trajectory of this post. Ice-cream vans: creepy. Tea in glass receptacles: weird. Telly ads in cinemas: bad and wrong. Ironman 2: brilliant. Twlight stars: Don't be gettin thick with dem. Twilight: awful. Twilight fans: stupid. And then you end on an unrelated note. Because everything else was related. That was some excellent stream of consciousness right there. Virginia Woolf, eat your heart out!

  7. Muchas gracias DL, stream of consciousness sounds much better than inane rambling!

  8. Yea, what exactly is up with those ads?! I'm one of those people that get ridiculously excited about trailers...they're almost as important as the film I'm going to see! So imagine my complete disappointment when I settle into my seat, popcorn in hand waiting for trailer-fueled bliss...only to see ten repetitive ads and one crap trailer.

    Film ruined.

    PS. Depiction of Twilight Fans' double chins = hilarious.

  9. Hey,
    First time I've commented but after reading that I just had to post this link, if you haven't read it already! I laughed for a solid hour after reading it.

    Great blog by the way :-)


  10. Suz143 - Whoever made the call to play ads is pure evil. EVIL I tells ya!

    Kar - BRILLIANT. And thanks!


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