Dear Fuckface ( aka People I Work For)
Oh, I'm ever so sorry, you see when I took on this job with the assurance that I would be paid the same, if not more (Wow! How fortune has favoured me! Thought I.) as my last job, which was in an actual design studio with nice colourful mugs and work I quite enjoyed doing, I foolishly thought that this would in fact, be the case. I mean I really should have realised that what you actually meant was "we're paying you less than that, we thought you knew though, so either take it or go fuck yourself".
I can also see now that it's really an inspired money saving technique to equip the design studio with computers that were bought back when the Ketchup Song was in the charts and Nickelback just had their first big hit, which would make them SEVEN YEARS old, oh and the software hasn't been updated in three or four years you say? Fantastic! That's just the kind of challenge I so look forward to, nothing makes me happier than a computer that's so slow it makes me want to peel off my eyelids, or a printer that spits out pages with the artwork going sideways for no good reason, not to mention when my computer randomly dies or takes ten minutes to open a bigger-than-average file in Photoshop, that kind of thing just makes me feel so alive, y'know?
Just as a suggestion, you might want to give new employees this handy guide on their first day in their shiny new job, explaining what certain phrases or instructions really mean.
We want to give this product a new look, move away from the old identity.
Make it look the same as the old one, but more obnoxious and garish.
Yeah, that looks great now.
I'll be back in half an hour to get you to change everything while I stand over your shoulder and instruct you to move and resize things in a manner that will make you want to unzip your boot and beat me around the head with it.
You'll be getting a pay review in four months.
You'll be getting a pay review in six months.
Next time, make sure you get a full brief from us.
Next time, don't bother trying to make it look well designed and thought out, just make everything bright red and twice the size it should be. Like how a flyer would look if it was shouting in your face, knocking things over and banging cymbals together. Visually, like.
Thank fuck the Toy Show is on tonight.