Diary of a Secretary

Week One


Was SO excited about my first day as Bill Cullen's secretary. Although I did have to spend the day staring at my lovely vase of flowers, counting petals seeing as Bill only gave me a phone for my desk. Maybe next week I'll get some paper or something. I'd like that. I could practice my autograph.

Week Two


*Sigh* Still no developments on the stationery front. I did get a swanky new phone though. And at least my flowers still look pretty.

Week Three


Got me a laptop and two pens WITH a holder and everything today. Oh yes, this desk is really coming together now. I might get a Feng Shui book so I can organise it in a way that might bring more office products to me.

Week Four


SCORE! Scissors, sellotape AND a stapler! This job is getting better and better. All I need to do now is figure out how to turn on the computer and I'm laughing! Should probably hide the scissors from Joanna though. She scares me.

Week Five


Hmm. Still can't figure out how to turn on that flippin laptop. Bill was nice enough to give me an A4 refill pad and some post-its though, so I can't complain too much I suppose. I think Joanna stole my scissors. Damn.

Week Six



Yeah, that's it pick on the new girl. Can't believe someone took my refill pad and my stapler. Stupid laptop still won't stupid work. Also beginning to suspect that those flowers are fake. Jesus Bill, tight enough.

Week Seven


God I'm so sick of looking at their nervous, backstabby faces and this infuriating blank screen. Then to top it off, as soon as I get my refill pad back, some smartarse took my post-its. I bet Frances never had to deal with this kind of crap on the UK Apprentice. It's time to take matters into my own hands. Stationery cupboard, here I come!

Week Eight


YEAH! Suck on that, bitches! Muahaha look at all this lovely stuff and it's mine, all mine! Anybody even thinking about borrowing my sexy new hole-punch had better back the fuck off. And no-one needs to know that I'm typing on a switched off computer so long as I keep the screen this way. Reeesult.

Week Nine



Excellent. My murderous stare tactic from last week has worked so far. No mysterious disappearances this time round, no siree. Not till next week anyway. Should probably call the Dell helpline to get this laptop sorted out though...


K